06x07 - Episode 7

[bunniefuu]

You know, year after year they come in,

and here am I,
dressed in this same old brown smock.

But not this year, not this Christmas.

I'm dressing for magic!

And every magician
must have his glamorous assistant.

There she is.

Well, you try and get the real thing
at my age.

I've seen you do magic.

If a customer was difficult,
you used to make their change disappear.

Do you want to see some more magic?
I'll show you.

Right.

We're ready?

Voila!

You see?
Magic.

No.

What time did you get in last night?

What's the difference?

It's always just in time to get up again.

Oh, dear, oh, dear!
You call this early?

I tell you, when I was your age,
I sometimes got up so early

it was before I were even born.

Lend me p, will you?

I'll let you have it back later.

You've bought too many tins of custard.

You can never have too many tins of custard.

Well, I think you've just managed it.

Just watch this.

Look. Nothing in me hand, right?
A tin.

Nothing...
Nothing in me tin.

What's that?

Voila!
You see?

Did you know that Cleopatra,

she used to bath in custard?

Wouldn't she be sticky?

It'd be almost impossible
to get her off you.

I can think of worse problems.

Happy coincidence
bumping into you like this.

I'm frozen.

I've been loitering out there
hoping you'd pass.

How long were you prepared
to stay out there?

Well, no later than Boxing Day.

You'll be alone for Christmas?

If I can manage it.

Well, you've gone to a lot of
trouble to meet me here for coffee.

How about you come round
for Christmas lunch?

That would be delightful.

Don't be so sure.
I'll probably burn it.

My favourite!

Right.

Here they come,
looking for the magical experience.

- We don't believe in magic.
- We like to see before we believe.

All right, watch this.

Get off!

It's only a trick!

I knew that.

Now, what's so different
about French custard?

And is it guaranteed?

Well, I've got to make sure
that I don't sell this to anyone

under the age of .

French custard with an English label?

At no small expense,
I've had these translated

and relabelled
for the benefit of my customers.

So how do you know it's French?

Well, for two hours
after ingesting this liquid,

you will be talking like Maurice Chevalier.

And you will become irresistible

to the mature female.

You show me where it says on this label

that it's any different to British custard.

There you go, there's the warning.

Don't be a glutton.

Take it easy with this very powerful product.

It says there, look.

Stay "glutton free".

That's not how you spell glutton.

That's "gluten free".

That's how the French spell it.

But it wears off after two hours.

Well, you'd better hope so.

I mean, otherwise you'll be worn
to a shadow after a week.

It's a trick.

You're spending all Christmas with Gerald?

At his parents'.
It's what we always do.

That is disgusting.

No, that's respectable.
He's my fiance.

You and me that's disgusting.

He's not right for you.
Trust me, I'm psychic.

I was thinking psycho.
My mother loves him.

- Let her marry him.
- His mother loves me.

Everyone loves the idea of me and Gerald.

Wait, you've...
You've got something in your eye.

- No, I haven't.
- Yes, you have. It's me, and I'm staying there.

That's not fair.

You know I can't scream at you in here.

Mrs Rossi,

please accept this little gift.

Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?

Thou art more lovely and more temperate.

- Rough winds...
- It's only me!

Are you decent?

You always ask me that.

As if I prance about the house
in a florescent thong.

We are in a saucy mood today.

Well, you'll have to wait.

I'm not something gift-wrapped
that you can open when you feel like it.

Delphine, you're in absolutely
no danger of being unwrapped.

Thank you, dear.
I appreciate your struggle for self-control.

I have it well in hand.

Bless you, Wilburn.

And it will all be worth it one day

when we can let your wildness
run free with me.

Don't worry on my account.

I need a drink.

I'll join you.

But don't expect it to lower my defences.

Don't be rushing at me
with your electric thong.

Have no fear.

The battery's flat.

Willis knows I'm in love with your Gerald.
I've told him.

- But I thought I'd won you over.
- No.

Don't pull any punches, Ruby.
Why don't you give it to him straight?

It's just a fantasy, Willis.

Yeah, how can you be in love
with your best friend's fiance?

I've got a complex inner emotional life,
okay?

I'm not just some moron with long legs.

I like long legs.

Oh, forget it.
And keep your hands to yourself.

What?
They're on the table.

Be nice to Willis.
He's real,

he's solid,

he's here.

And fixated on my legs!

- Well, you started it.
- Oh, forget it, Willis.

We're both neglected.

Alone, while our significant others
will be away raving.

I'm with my fiance and his parents
over Christmas.

It's not exactly raving.

I'm not dancing naked in the high street.

Well, if you change your mind,
what time are we thinking?

Come here!
Merry Christmas!

You never do that to me.

Wait a minute.

You see I have nothing in my hands.

I can see it between your fingers.

Your mother had sharp eyes.

And a tongue to match.

You're rubbish at this, you.

Give us a chance, will you?

Things don't happen overnight.

Though it did with your mother.

That Madge!

She caught me with lipstick on.

Now, you don't have to answer this
if you don't want to,

but why were you wearing lipstick?

It wasn't mine!

It came from a thank-you moment
from Mrs Avery.

- She's very hands-on.
- She's fast for her age.

I were just leaving,

this pair of lips came from nowhere.

Well, don't worry, don't get upset.

If Madge is getting jealous,

that's progress.

Mr Newbold sent me a book.

Nobody ever sends me a book.

They probably think I can't read.

I wish I'd never received this one.

Why? He's buying you presents now.
That's good.

I'm not so sure.

It's called
How To Stay Single And Enjoy Life.

Don't lend it to Madge.

- I thought he liked me.
- But he does!

No, he's backing off.

Trust me, he's dotty about you.

He's telling me he wants to stay single.

He can hardly tell you anything.

You get him so flustered,
you make his voice squeak.

Nobody's ever squeaked at me like that.

You can't wear that in the shop.

This outfit belonged
to the famous stage magician

Waldo the Wizard,

often known as...

the Great Waldo.

Some great Waldo nobody's ever heard of.

Et voila!

People used to talk in whispers
about his death-defying act, you know.

And you're trying to tell us that
that hat and coat was the Great Waldo's?

Oh, yes, this is the one
that he wore on that night

when his act of catching a b*llet
in his teeth

went wrong.

If he looked as big a pillock as you
do in that hat and coat,

it's no wonder he got sh*t!

At least he didn't have
lipstick on his collar.

And you acquired
the Great Waldo's things how?

From his great-great-great
second cousin by marriage

who put them on eBay

along with a certificate of authenticity.

And look, there...

There is the b*llet hole

that should've been in his teeth.

Pop.
There.

You've been conned.

And I also got his mysterious

disappearing cabinet.

He was big, you know, in the s.

So was me Grandma Clifford.

Yes?
Judging by the photos.

Anyway, the Great Waldo was famous

all the way from Hornsey to Bridlington.

As famous as that?

They said me Auntie Lily did tricks.

Did your uncle know?

Talking of tricks...

Now, I'm gonna make this egg
disappear before your very eyes.

On the count of three, it'll disappear.

A one.

A two.

A three!

Where's it gone?

Sorry, what are you trying to say?

He's choking!

I'm not choking.

I was trying to say...

Hold that.

For my next trick...

Nothing in my hands...

That's the last time
I'm playing pontoon with you.

So now you'll begin to see

the magic of the Arkwright experience!

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

Don't give up your day job.

Don't worry, I...

Are you in or out?

What are you doing?

I was just wondering what
we're having for our evening meal.

Wait and see.

Jasmine?

- That's not the voice of love.
- I'm in the middle of something here.

You want the voice of love,
you pick a better time.

Name it.
I'll be there.

Midnight.

Midnight?
We'll be asleep at midnight.

There you go.
Missed it.

And another thing...

whatever's for dinner,
we're having it with custard.

It looks like an old wardrobe.

It's the mysterious disappearing cabinet.

Which still looks a lot like an old wardrobe.

Really? Come along, let's just
show this disbelieving creature

a thing or two, shall we, Gastric?
Right?

In you go, please.
We're going to make you disappear.

Disappear?
Where to?

You're not going anywhere, are you?

It...
It's an illusion.

Suppose it goes wrong...
I could be in orbit!

Well, every time you pass, we'll wave.

You're going no further than...

look, the back of this cabinet.

See?

Wasn't that what they said to Yuri Gagarin?

Right, in you go.
Go on.

Get in.
Go on, go on.

Right, ready?
Shut the doors.

Right, are you ready in the cabinet?

If it goes wrong

and I finish up where few have ever been,

will you try and make it
Madge's second-best bedroom?

Why second-best?

I'm not allowed in the best
with me boots on.

Look, just get in there.
Go on, get in.

Go on, go on.
Right, shut up, please,

while I pronounce the magic word.

There's a magic word?

Come on, then, let's hear it.

Ogin,

agin,

wogin,

gangin.

He's gone.

Open up.

And...

Just give us a minute, will you?!

It's a bit of a squeeze.

Mrs Rossi?

Mrs Rossi, I owe you an apology.

You got the wrong book.

That was meant for Mrs Featherstone.

So she must've got yours...

Oh, my God.

Ye gods, she's got...

Hello?

Yes, yes, I'm still here.

I'm just having the most terrible vision.

You thought I'd hung up on you?

Mrs Rossi,
of all the people in the universe,

the one that I'm least likely
to hang up on is you.

Well, of course I mean it.

It's only me!

Why, all of a sudden, do you want
custard on your Christmas pudding?

Call it a whim.

Am I not entitled to the occasional whim?

I'm still reeling from your last one.

You wanted us to go necking
in a bus shelter.

Our bus shelter.

I mean, we used to.

Before we were married.

I just thought it might help us
recapture the wonder.

I wonder we didn't get pneumonia.
It was draughty!

To me, it were a temple of Venus.

Eric, it was a bus shelter.

Fine!
No necking, no custard.

I mean, what's wrong with custard anyway?

Instead of rum sauce, for once?

I mean, why do we always
have to have rum sauce?

So you don't like my rum sauce.

I suppose your mother makes a better one.

Did I say that?
Please explain to me how my mother got here?

She's never not been here.

You even called her every day
on our honeymoon.

Only till I got the hang of it.

Teeny bit naughty, Wilburn,

sending a respectable widow
a book like that.

- Poetry? It's hardly p*rn.
- Yes, I know,

pages and not one picture.

Certain juicy bits underlined.

It was a mistake.
You've no idea what a mistake.

Now, don't say that.

I'm broad-minded enough to forgive
your attempt to seduce me.

Wrong.
You shouldn't forgive me.

- You should cast me aside.
- What? For being in the grip of passion?

No, it's understandable.

You see, I...
I have that effect.

Not on me.

I once had a meter reader
who daren't come in my house,

he was so in fear of his passion for me.

I can handle mine.

He swore he could read my meter
through the window.

It's too late, you know,
to deny how you feel.

I know you long for someone
to share your lonely bed.

No, it's a terrible bed.
Lumpy.

Takes years of practice.

The cat was sick on it.

You'd hate it.

Well, now, this is not a promise,

but I see no harm if you wish to go ahead

and purchase a new mattress.

If I can have complete silence,
ladies and gentlemen,

while I check to see if our traveller

is still in the cabinet.

Come in.

You don't say, "Come in," do you?

You might not be there.

So where am I?

Nobody knows.

Well, that's gonna be handy,
trying to find me way back!

I don't want to hear another sound

until after the magic word.

What's the magic word?

Wait for it.

Doesn't sound all that magical.

Right.

Traveller, be gone.

I bid thee by this magic word.

Ogin, agin,

wogin,

gangin!

That's four words.

Hey up.

Don't go away. I'll be back.

I wanna be back for tea!

The Christmas fairy.

- Hello, Granville.
- Hello, Mavis.

Why are you dressed for a funeral?

No, I'm not dressed for a funeral.

I'm dressed for magic.

I thought we'd done that.

And you weren't dressed in all that.

- You shouldn't have.
- Oh, it's all right,

cos I've got money to burn.

See?

So, what do you think of that, then?

I think your pocket's on fire!

What?
Me pocket's on fire!

I'm on fire!

Leroy!
I'm on fire!

You are...

Well, that wasn't supposed to happen.

It gets better after Christmas.

How much?

Considerably.

Is that you?

- Who's asking?
- Gastric!

Hey up, I know who's asking.

What are you doing in there?
You're supposed to be fixing my hairdryer.

I'm coming, Madge.
I'm always there for you.

Well, move it.

And while you're at it,
you might as well stay for your dinner.

Tell him I really am disappearing now!

A witness!

Right, okay.
Stand there.

Traveller!

Be gone.

Ogin, agin,

wogin,

gangin!

Open the door.

Well?
Fetch him back.

Yes, no problem.

I'll just say the magic words.

Traveller.
Return.

Ogin,

agin,

wogin,

gangin!

Thank you.

I don't know.

He's probably fallen asleep in there.

Leroy, go on, open up
the secret door at the back.

Gastric?

Don't you start!

Let me...

Where is he?

What's happened here?

Well, he... I...
Well, I...

He was in there, I said...

And then...
Ogin, agin...

Where can I hide?!

The Black Widow wants
to take me mattress shopping.

In here, Mr Newbold!

It's fine.
Come on.

Did I see Mr Newbold coming in here?

Wilburn!

Wilburn, it's...
It's such an inspiring book!

There's a passage
I would love to share with you!

I won't forget this, Leroy.

Merry Christmas, Mr Newbold.

I could've sworn I...

Mrs Featherstone,

don't worry about Mr Newbold.

Why don't you give Granville a surprise, hey?
It'll make his Christmas.

What? You mean twinkle at him
like the Christmas fairy?

- I'm sure there's nothing he'd like better.
- Me too.

Jump in here.

It's all right, you'll be fine.

- Has she gone?
- Yeah, long gone. Yeah.

Gastric!
He can't have disappeared.

He must've just slipped out.

What have you done?

Nothing!
Look, it's just an empty...

If it's magic you're after,
try some of this.

Ogin!
Agin!

It's been a funny old day.

But I'm feeling lucky tonight,

as must all of us who've ever survived
a close encounter with the Black Widow.

You try to squeeze free

and she mistakes it for encouragement.

She must work out.

There's a layer of muscle there

beyond the expectations
of your small shopkeeper.

Mavis!

Ma...
Mavis!

Mavis.

- You squeaked.
- Yes, I did.

- I did. I'm sorry.
- Don't be.

I've been waiting for that squeak
all my life.

I hear you're looking
for a glamorous assistant.

Yes, I am,

but I've given up magic.

But I have one more trick in mind.

Merry Christmas.

Open it.

If you like it,

it's your engagement ring.

I like this trick.

- Just tell me it won't disappear.
- No.

No, it won't disappear.

Come on.