04x23 & 04x24 - Thanks But No Thanks; Troy Story

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Phineas and Ferb". Aired: August 2007 to November 2015.*
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Stepbrothers adventures during their summer vacation.
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04x23 & 04x24 - Thanks But No Thanks; Troy Story

Post by bunniefuu »

"Thanks But No Thanks"

♪ There's a hundred and
four days of summer vacation ♪


♪ and school comes
along just to end it ♪


♪ So the annual problem
for our generation ♪


♪ is finding a good way to spend it ♪

♪ Like maybe ♪

♪ Building a rocket,
or fighting a mummy ♪


♪ or climbing up the Eiffel Tower ♪

♪ Discovering something
that doesn't exist ♪


Hey!

♪ Or giving a monkey a shower ♪

♪ Surfing tidal waves ♪

♪ Creating nano-bots or
locating Frankenstein's brain ♪


It's over here!

♪ Finding a dodo bird
Painting a continent ♪


♪ Or driving our sister insane ♪

Phineas!

♪ As you can see, there's
a whole lot of stuff to do ♪


♪ before school starts this fall ♪

Come on, Perry.

♪ So stick with us, 'cause
Phineas and Ferb are gonna do it all! ♪


♪ So stick with us, 'cause Phineas
and Ferb are gonna do it all! ♪


Mom, Phineas and Ferb
are making a title sequence!

- This was nice.
- Yeah, I'm glad we ran into each other.

Yeah. Almost literally. You
barely missed me with your scooter.

[LAUGHS SHEEPISHLY]
What can I say? You walk slow.

So, uh, what're you doing tonight?

Yeah, I'm going to see Love Sandal.

It's a Love Handle cover band that, uh,

that plays in sandals.

My cousin plays bass.
He can get us backstage.

It'll be fun. You wanna come?

Uh, no. No, I don't.

I'll catch you later.

I'll keep an eye out for that scooter.

♪ Monty and Vanessa sitting in a tree ♪

- Carl!
- Let me finish.

♪ K-I-S-S-I-N-G ♪

- Go ahead.
- You mean there's more?

Look, you don't have to tell
my Dad about this, do you?

Monty, Monty. Walk with me.

[SLYLY] You know, your
dad is my superior.

I'm obliged to tell him everything.

I can't imagine what
could possibly sway me

to consider such a dereliction of duty.

All right, Carl, I get it.
What do you want?

I want your father to
disown you and adopt me!

Okay, what do you want within reason?

You don't understand.
I do all the work at the agency,

but he doesn't even acknowledge me.

I mean, that's all I want,
a simple "thank you."

Is that too much to ask?

- You just want him to say "thank you"?
- Yes, a simple "thank you."

Carl, if that's all you want then

I'm sure I can get Dad
to say "thank you" to you.

Well, if you can do that,
maybe I can just forget to mention

the whole dating a sworn
enemy's daughter thing.

Deal.

Hey, Ferb. Check out this cool picture

of Grandma and Grandpa Flynn in
their pyramid water-skiing days.

Wow, it's all the fun
of water-skiing times .

Y'know, I bet you pyramids
would make any sports better.

- Ferb?
- What do you two think you...

I know what we're
gonna do today!


- Doing?
- Oh hey, Candace.

- What?
- I said, hey, Candace.

What? I can't hear you
over all this ringing.

Don't worry about it.

It'll go away in a sec.
See ya later, Candace.

I may not be able to hear
you, but I can see you.


If you stay in range.

[GIGGLES] Hello, Candace!
Right on schedule.


Uh, hi. Are you new here?

Heavens no, dear. I've
been here all summer.

I've so enjoyed watching your brothers

- build so many amazing things every day.
- Oh, that's perfect.

Ugh! You know what, my arms
are getting really tired.

Just hold that thought
I'll be right back.

- You were saying?
- [GIGGLES] They're so inventive.

I mean, they built that roller coaster.
Oh, and that spa.

And I love that
platypus-themed restaurant.

Even though I couldn't get a
reservation. The bouncer was so harsh.

Oh, but the best was when
they had their own sitcom.


Wait, I wasn't even here for that one.

I know, but I wouldn't miss a minute

of witnessing your
brother's backyard fun.

Lady, you've got to help me!

You've got to come down here
and tell my Mom all about it!

Oh, I don't think so, dear.

Um, I just don't feel
up to leaving the house.

No problem! You stay
right where you are,

and I'll bring my Mom over!

[CHUCKLING]

Oh, by the way.

- What?
- Where's Perry?

CHORUS: # Perry! #

♪ Perry! ♪

- Hey, Dad.
- Monty, my boy.

- It's always wonderful to see you.
- Hello, sir.

Carl, what took you so long?
Hand me that report there, would you?

- Yes, sir.
- My coffee. Hah! Thanks, Monty.

- Argh!
- Actually, Carl...

Carl, the trash chute is
clogged again. Do you mind?

Of course not, sir.
Pardon me.

Excuse me. Coming through.

- Uh, Dad. Agent P is here.
- Oh. So he is.


Good morning, Agent P.

Dr. Doofenshmirtz has been
spotted on his balcony


repeatedly shaking his fist and
then running back into his building.


Which is obviously evil.

Well, okay, maybe not evil
but definitely cliché.


So, go and stop him from
his cartoon conventions.


♪ Pyramid sports ♪

♪ Pyramid sports, pyramid ♪

♪ Pyramid, pyramid sports ♪

♪ If you want something new ♪
[LAUGHS]


♪ We've got the game for you ♪

♪ It's a sport
of a different sort ♪


♪ You can do what
the Pharaohs do ♪


♪ Woo ♪

♪ The new recreation ♪

♪ That is sweeping the
nation with pyramid formation ♪


♪ Pyramid sports ♪

♪ Pyramid sports, pyramid ♪

♪ Pyramid, pyramid sports ♪

Here's how you play.

♪ Form yourselves into a pyramid ♪

♪ I guess that's step number one ♪

♪ Try any sport now experiment ♪

♪ Just go and have some fun ♪

♪ You can do any sport you wish ♪

♪ Archery, bowling ♪

♪ You can even pyramid fish ♪

I don't care if it's played
in a field or on a court,


'cause everyone here
is into pyramid sports.


♪ Pyramid sports ♪

♪ Pyramid sports ♪
♪ Pyramid sports ♪


♪ Pyramid sports ♪
♪ Pyramid sports ♪


I think I pulled my sigmoid colon.

[BAGPIPE PLAYING]

Doofenshmirtz: Annoying musician?
C'mon. C'mon. Come to pappa.


Ah, bingo! Hey, what's with the waffle?

Oh, very funny, Perry
the Platypus. Very funny!

If you'll just be so kind as to
move your tail out of the way.

Thank you.
There we go. That's good.


[STAMMERS] See, now
you're just being childish.

Look, I promise you, I'm not
even being marginally evil.

I just want to stop that guy
from playing his bagpipes.

Every day, hours a day.
I mean, look at him!

On what planet is that
racket considered music?

Ugh, I cannot take it anymore

so I'm gonna hit his
bagpipe with my Inflatinator.

Yeah, I know, it's basically the
opposite of my old Deflatinator.

But I can't concentrate
with all that noise.

I was lucky to come up with that.
But when that bagpipe blows up,

I will once again be able
to hear the usual din ringing

through the city streets.
Like car alarms and babies crying.

And inators blowing up.
[GRUNTS]

C'mon! C'mon! C'mon! This
time I've got an eyewitness!

Go on, go on.
Tell my Mom everything!

Well, when the empty window feels
like talking, you let me know.

There it is. I dropped my penny.

Did you say something, dear?

Monty: How was your meal, Dad?

Absolutely delicious.
What a great new place.

- I know, right? Carl found it.
- Well, then. Let me just say, thank you,

to the chef.
Thank you, for that delicious meal.

You're most welcome.
So glad you enjoyed it.

Dad, isn't there something you
wanted to say to Carl, as well?

Of course.
What was I thinking?

Don't be rude, Carl!
Thank the chef.

- Thank you.
- I like this table.

And to show my gratitude,
dessert is on the house.

Now, if you'll excuse me. I must
go and fire a member of staff.

Luchenzo, come here!

There, you see? A little
gratitude goes a long way.

Pay attention, Carl.
You could learn something.

- Really learn something from you...
- Just chill out. I got another idea.

[YELLS]

Check you out, Perry
the Bloat-a-pus!

[LAUGHS]

Well, this is awkward.
Seriously, you're gonna...


[GRUNTS] Well, I'm so glad to
have this helipad installed.

Mmm.

[GRUNTING]

Upsy-daisy.

No really. I swear, the old
lady is there in the window

- right now. I swear!
- No need to swear. I'm coming.

There she is!

Funny, Candace, I could
swear your old lady

- looks just like a houseplant.
- What?

There you go.
A little thirsty, weren't you?

[GRUNTING]
[BAGPIPE PLAYING]

Oh, wow.
Aw, man, we're not getting anywhere.

How about we take a time out?

[HISSING]

Wait. Your hat has
a pressure release valve?

Wow! So that's what the inside
of a platypus smells like.

I could have gone my whole
life without knowing that.

Hey!

Aw, man!
Another inator bites the dust.

Now I'm stuck listening to Jerky
MacIrritating across the street, now.

[WHISTLES]
Shh.

What's that?
Oh, I'm sorry. I'll stop.


I didn't realize I was disturbing you.
Cheery-bye.


Huh. I guess I might have overthought
that solution just a little bit.

[YELLS]
Curse you, Perry the Platypus!


Whoo!

Ahh!

Whoo!

Carl: This had better work.

Don't worry, Carl.
Once you save my Dad's life,

there's no way even he could
avoid thanking you for it.

I hope for your sake you're right.

Y'know, it's funny how no one's noticed

a grand piano dangling
precariously over our table.


Well, I also tied up a
couple of violins over there


so it would seem like a theme.

All right, listen. So
when my Dad returns,

I'll excuse myself and cut the rope

and you push my Dad out of the
way of the falling piano. Got it?

- Well, let's get to that dessert menu.
- Excuse me, Dad. It's my turn.

I'll be right back. You guys start.

Sure, sure. Thank you
for not making us wait.

[CHUCKLES] That bathroom
attendant was lovely.

He gave me mints and some floss.
I just couldn't thank him enough.

[GASPS]
Watch out, sir!

- Dad! Carl! Are you all right?
- Oh, I'm fine.

- I'm all right too, sir.
- Wow, Carl. You saved my Dad's life.

Yes. It's a shame he
couldn't save the table too.

- Let's go find the host.
- No, wait. What? Seriously?

- What?
- Dad. Aren't you going to thank him?

Oh, well, I didn't realize, I hadn't.

Thank you for pointing
that out to me, Monty.

Dad!

Oh, uh, yes, right.
Thank you, Carl.

Oh, well, more dessert for us.

No, it's different this time!
She promised to come down and meet us.

Right. My expectations have
been completely reversed.


No! You'll see.
She'll explain everything.

Everything!

[DOORBELL RINGS]

[GIGGLES]

[GASPS] Yes! See.

Mom, lady. Lady, Mom.
Now, tell her everything.

You have the right to remain
silent. Anything you say...

Take your hands off me, Copper!
I know my rights.

Sorry, Candace.
Water the plant for me.

- I don't understand. What's going on?
- Police matter, miss.

What could that sweet old
lady have possibly done?

That "sweet" old lady is
Peggy "The Pyramid" McGee,

the notorious ringleader of
Danville's biggest pyramid scheme.

Pyramid scheme?

That's right. She's been
selling these all over town.

See. These are just flat
triangles painted in perspective!


That's fraud.

I'll be out before the
time her mom serves pie!

Wow, Candace. I can't believe it.

- A pyramid scheme right under our noses!
- Yeah. Imagine that.

[MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING]

- Hey!
- Hey, yourself.

- I thought, uh...
- Yeah, so did I.

But then I figured I couldn't
leave you here to suffer alone.

That's what I like.

Thoughtful and
dismissive simultaneously.

Doofenshmirtz: [YELLS] No! Wait,
wait, wait! Is that the Love Sandals?


Whoa!
Watch the hands, lady! Hey!


"Troy Story"

Hey, Candace. Doing a little
light summer reading, I see.

This is for the book
club, Jeremy and I joined.

We all read the same book, and then
get together and discuss over tea.

- Sounds sophisticated.
- Yeah, the tea was my idea.

This week we're reading,
"The Iliad."

That's a great book!
It's all about the Trojan w*r!

- You read this?
- Buford: We all did.

You're not the only one
with a book club, you know.

I like your idea about the tea, though.
Ferb, make a note of that.

The w*r started because Paris
fell in love with Helen of Troy.

It's so romantic.

Yeah, and Helen could launch
a thousand ships with her face!

My favorite character was Achilles,
the greatest Greek warrior of all time.

He had this big fight with Hector.

He was all, wham! Bam!

- s*ab! s*ab! s*ab!
- Cut it out!

Isn't there something
about a wooden horse?

Yeah, the Greek army
built a huge wooden horse

and left it outside the gates of Troy.

The Trojans thought that
the Greeks had given up


and that the horse was
some sort of tribute to them.


So, they wheeled it inside the gates.

Hey. How did they get that
big horse in that tiny door?

- Buford, just try imaging a larger door.
- Oh, okay. Hang on.

- Oh, yeah. That's better.
- Then late at night,

the Greeks climbed out of
the horse, opened the gates...

Then it was all, wham,
zam, s*ab, s*ab, s*ab!

- Cut it out!
- Wow, really sounds exciting.

I better get started.
Book club is in three hours. Bye!

Wow. She must be a fast reader.

What gets me is,
why did the Trojan w*r take so long?

If I were Achilles, I could
have taken the city of Troy

- like in one afternoon.
- Ferb, I know what we're gonna do today!

We're gonna finally
recreate the Trojan w*r.

I'll be Paris because my
name starts with a "P."

And I'll be Helen because...
uh, my name starts with "I"

which is right after "H."

And I'll be the great Achilles!

And I'll be all wham,
zam, s*ab, s*ab, s*ab!

[SCREAMS]
Cut it out!

And you can be Hector.
Now get over there. I'm taking Ferb.

- Hey everyone, can I play?
- Buford: No!

- I've got baklava.
- Welcome to the Greek army.

You know who loves history
and historical reenactments.

Hey, where's your Dad?

Dad: So it goes over,
under, around and through.


[INHALES] Oh, lovely.
Time to open the shop.

[RINGING]

[BRAYING]

[BIRDS SQUAWKING]

Hello, Agent P... I see you
used the rabbit-hole entrance.



[CHUCKLES]
Freaks the heck out of intruders.


[CLEARS THROAT] Anyway, no
news on what Doof is up to yet.


We're still awaiting a surveillance
report from our special CR Unit.


Hey, Carl! Any news
from Team Cockroach?


Carl: Nothing yet, sir. We think
they may have been scattered.


Quite frankly, we fear the worst.
Which isn't that bad.


They're just a bunch
of roaches after all.


So we're gonna need you
to get over to Doof and see


what mischief he's up to
today. Good luck, Agent P.


Buford: And they say Rome
wasn't built in a day.


Uh, technically, that's not
Rome, that's supposed to be Troy.

If I wanted nerd facts,
I would have kept Baljeet.

In case you are wondering,

the word you are looking
for is "impenetrable."

Actually, the word I was
looking for is "decimate."

- Fair enough.
- Yeah, we're gonna need a bigger army.

Irving, break out my
recruitin' fustanella.

- You mean the little Greek skirt?
- It's a fustanella!

CHORUS: # Doofenshmirtz
Evil Incorporated! #


[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Coming! Hold on!
Just hold your horses!

Wait... Hello?

Ha! You missed me, Perry the Platypus!

But I got you!

You see, I was just doing a
little inventory and reorganization

of all the stuff that I've
collected over the last years.

Yeah, I know it's gotten
a little out of hand.

I kinda let it go and Norm's
been in Maui for, like, a month.

So I made the De-clutterinator.

I was actually gonna
sh**t myself with it,

which would make me want to
unclutter everything, and,

uh, then I lost it,
'cause, you know, it's...

it's really cluttered in here.

So then I hired a nice
young lady named Doreen

to help me get organized, and, well,
I think she may have gotten lost, too.

I haven't seen her in days.
Doreen, are you out there?

Doreen: So thirsty.

I never approved overtime!

Doreen: Food.

So, if you'll excuse me, I have to
get back to my search for Doreen.

Maybe I'll get lucky and find
the De-clutterinator, too.

Hey, Doreen! Marco!

Doreen: Water.

Yeah, she really stinks at this.

Okay, next!

- Name?
- Balthazar Horowitz.

- But you can call me the Ball Pit Kid.
- Any medical problems?

- Well, I have a perforated...
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, you're in.

Get a shield, come
back with it or on it.

- Next! Name?
- Dimitri Papanicolas.

Any experience being Greek?

Actually, I am Greek.
I was born on the island...

I don't want your life story!

Grab a shield, come
back with it or on it.

Irving, go get some more baklava.
Come back with it or on it.

- I'm on it!
- Yeah? Well, get with it.

"Sing, goddess, the anger
of Peleus' son, Achilles..."

[SNORING]

"Achilles, and its devastation
which put pains upon the Achaeans..."

"Upon the Achaeans, hurled in
their multitude to the house of..."

Buford: Hector!

Oh, for Pete's sake!

Buford! I'm trying to read this...

What the heck is going on out here?

You've inspired us, Candace!
What do you think?

Are you by any chance re-enacting
the Trojan w*r? Like in my book?

- That's the plan.
- Okay.

I'll just watch you guys
and take notes for my book club.

Buford, continue.

Heya, Hector! Why don't
you come on down here?

I got something for ya.

Oh, sweet! I am going down there.

Okay, here I am.
What have you got for me?

Buford: Get him!

Oh, no! Not good!

[SCREAMS]

Eat hot chariot, sucker!

Well, so much for Hector.

♪ There was a hottie named Helen ♪

♪ And she launched a
thousand ships with her face ♪


♪ Face, face, face ♪

♪ Paris took her home to Troy ♪

♪ And to the Greeks
this was a slap in the face ♪


♪ Face, face, face ♪

The Trojans stole Helen!

♪ Agamemnon got mad
'cause that just wasn't right ♪


♪ He said, "Hold your Trojan
horses, now we're having a fight" ♪


♪ And I haven't sacked a village
since at least last Saturday night ♪


♪ And for years they were all... ♪

♪ Stabbing, and jabbing,
and clashing, and gashing, ♪


♪ And brawling, and mauling,
and trashing, and smashing ♪


♪ When they finally figured out
they couldn't take 'em by force ♪


♪ The Greeks all got
together and they hid in a horse ♪


♪ Bagpipe solo! ♪

[PLAYING]

♪ Troy! Troy! Troy! Troy! ♪

You know, bagpipes are sort of
anachronistic for this time...

Quiet, you!
Go back to being vanquished.

♪ Troy! Troy! Troy! Troy! ♪

[SCREAMING]

♪ Troy! Troy! Troy! Troy! ♪

Troy! Troy! Troy!
Troy. Oh, it's all over.

♪ Doreen! Come out, come
out, wherever you are! ♪


I should have... I should
have brought some bread crumbs

or something to leave behind
me so I could find my way...

Oh, you know what? Better yet,
I should have brought a sandwich,

'cause I am famished.

[BEEPING]

Hey, where you guys going?
We're not done yet.

- BOY : I gotta get home.
- BOY : I've got book club.

I've got a balalaika lesson.

You know, they've got a word
for what you guys are doing.

- Yeah. It's desertion.
- No, it's...

Oh, no. It is desertion.
Irving, get over here.

- It's time to execute Plan B.
- Plan B?

Yeah, you know the one where you
climb into the decoy and, uh...

- Oh, that Plan B...
- Get going.

A Trojan platypus?

Come on, Buford, what makes
you think we'd fall for that.

Irving: I told you, Buford.
[YELLS]


Why did you have me get in this thing?

Now, we're getting somewhere.

Ha! I bet you didn't see
a Trojan T. Rex

with laser-cannon mouth and
laser eyes comin', did you?


Well, he's got me there.

Seriously, if you were just
gonna crush the Trojan platypus,

- why did I...
- Leave me my simple pleasures.

Now, Ferb, destroy Troy!
This is why I got Ferb on my team!

[GASPS]

Uh-oh. Looks like
Ferb's goin' off book.

Everyone to the chariots!
Hang on!

Whoa-ho! Laser-proof.
Nice touch, Ferb.

[YELLING]

This is really cool.

Book club starts in minutes.

I have an idea! Throw that
rope to the other chariot!

Well, that can't be good.

I guess they knew a T. Rex's
weakness is also its Achilles' heel.

[SCREAMING]

- That was awesome!
- Who won?

This time I think it was a draw.

Come on, let's go tell
Candace how it ends.

Yeah, and maybe we can pick up some
Greek frozen yogurt on the way.

Doreen, come on, quit kidding around.

[GASPS] Perry the Platypus?

You've found the De-clutterinator!

Excellent, okay, sh**t me.

sh**t me and I'll clean
this whole place up.


Oh wait. [STAMMERS]
What?

Oh, it's not plugged in.
Hold on one sec.

My, word! What a mess.

Okay, here's an open socket.

That doesn't sound good.

[expl*si*n]

Oof, I say, I feel the
sudden urge to declutter.

Well, you have to admit it
did get rid of the clutter.

- There you are.
- Doreen! What's happening?

My invoice. You'll be
hearing from my lawyer.

Curse you, Perry the Platypus!

And there goes the last of it!

Lawrence, what are you doing out here?

Oh, you know, just tidying up a little.

Well, the yard looks great!
Come on in the kitchen.

I've got a plate of cake
that needs cleaning up.

I'm your man.

Now that we're all here.
Who wants to go first.


Ooh, me! In general I thought
the Greeks' decoy platypus

was a brilliant idea until
it got smashed by the T. Rex!

Its use of lasers to destroy
the city of Troy really seemed

unbeatable until Paris flew
down in his laser chariot.

The flying chariots were all,
pew, pew, pew, pew!

- Ga, ga, ga, ga! And...
- [IMITATES BOMBS FALLING] Cool!

"The Iliad" is truly an epic!

Candace, you didn't
read the book, did you?

I'm so busted.

Oh, that's okay.
I don't think anyone did.

I just come to book club for the tea.
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