09x10 - You Only Die Once, or Twice, But Never Three Times

[bunniefuu]

ADULT ADAM: Back in the ' s,
my brother, Barry,

loved imitating his heroes.

From whip-wielding adventurers on-screen

to python-flexing champions of the ring,

he couldn't help but see himself

in their action-packed exploits.

But there was one suave
super-spy who topped them all.

Bond. James Bond.

That's how he introduces himself.

I love how even after
almost being m*rder*d,

he's wildly flirty.

[British accent]
"Welcome, sir, I'm Jenny Flex."

Her name is kinda suggestive.

Yeah, good stuff.

You guys said you'd eat some
popcorn if I got the big tub.

And now my delicate tummy
is upset with all of you.

We told you not to get it.

It's only cents more
for the rodeo barrel.

Wait. Adam hasn't praised the movie yet.

Why aren't you still clapping

and/or demanding to see it again?

Yeah, it was neat.

"Neat" is something you say

after uncomfortably watching

your little brother's
performance in "The King and I."

How dare you?

One critic said my performance
was so inappropriate

- he couldn't look away.
- Just say you loved it

so I can stop being scared of
his furrowed brow.

Look, the fight on
the Eiffel Tower was fun,

but what villain uses a blimp?

I think we can all agree

it's a bad choice for a getaway vehicle.

Blimp technology is in its infancy.

We don't know what tomorrow will bring.

Hopefully an end to this conversation.

[Normal voice]
Well, I spent the whole time

lost in dreamboat Roger Moore's
blue eyes.

He got my Aston Martin a-revvin'.

Exactly. Wait. What?

The only plot hole was
there weren't more women

jumping his British bones. [Hisses]

But he was so old.

Like over .

Maybe you didn't notice,

but he took a lot of elevators
in this one.

Whatever Grandpa Bond's doing,
it's working.

Double oh, yeah.

Brea, how about you?

You hot for the spy guy?

Mm, I prefer a softer man
who plays it safe.

Ouch, but also whoo-hoo!

Could Roger Moore do this?

Secret agent kick!

My bucket!

♪ I'm twisted up inside ♪

♪ But nonetheless,
I feel the need to say ♪

♪ I don't know the future ♪

♪ But the past keeps getting
clearer every day ♪

It was January th, -something,

and just like she did at home,

my mom was stopping by the store

to clean up after my dad.

[Both scream]

Damn it, Mike. You scared me.

Sorry. My night face has been
described as both waxy and ashy.

Two words that seem to fight each other,

- but what are you gonna do?
- Why are you here?

I'm just working late
and fighting gingivitis.

- Are you living here?
- Fine.

I am temporarily enjoying the perks

of owning mattresses

because Fran and I are separating.

Oh, my God.

But you're both so young and vital.

Vital? You kidding?

Five years ago,
my doctor started saying,

"Eh, it is what it is."

What happened? And I'm not just
curious for gossip purposes.

I don't know. I guess Fran just
got sick of my general way.

That does have a ring of truth to it.

Yeah, but it's not all bad.

I mean, I got top-of-the-line sleepers

as far as the eye can see.

The commute is easy.

And, I mean,
what more can a man ask for?

Love? Companionship? Connection?

- [Microwave dings]
- Ooh, ramen night again.

Gotta tell ya, Bev,

the Japanese have really mastered

the fine art of microwave soup.

Arigato, my Far Eastern friends.

Damn it, Mike. Ditch the cardboard mush.

You're coming home with me
for a home-cooked meal.

[Door opens, closes]

Hey, there's my work buddy.

W-What's this one doing here?

Murray, that is no way to greet a guest.

Guest? Like I don't see this guy
enough between : and : ?

Those are your hours?

How do you support us?

Did you know he's been
sleeping at the store?

He mentioned it. Something about
his life falling apart.

Do you even listen to people
when they talk?

Fine, I'll ask.
What's your deal, Pajama Jim?

Fran and I are taking
a little time apart.

- And now I know.
- Okay, can you guys take

your super strong friendship
somewhere else?

I'm trying to write my vows here.

Vows? For what?

My wedding?

Wow, you guys really don't talk.

And that's why we're
the fourth-highest-grossing

discount furniture store
in the township.

That doesn't seem great.

I'll tell you what's not great...

marriage.

Here's a little notion for your vows...

love is a sham.

Ignore him. What have you got
so far, schmoopy-poo?

"Dear Geoff.

'G' is for 'good.'

'E' is for 'even better.'

'O' is for 'oh, dang, that's my fella.'"

- I'm gonna stop you.
- I'm gonna let you.

Got a little something for your poem.

I buy Fran a beach house in the hopes

that I might buy myself
some moments of silence.

But no.

The only thing busier than her mouth

are my credit cards.

I'm gonna go sit in a closet
where his sad, dead love can't get me.

Hey, can I use the john?

I haven't showered in days.

I think I smell of Entenmann's
and sadness.

Upstairs.
The only door that doesn't lock.

[Sighs] Damn it, Murray.

You can't just let
their marriage end like this.

Oh, I can.

But more importantly, so can you.

Too late.

I will repair their broken marriage

and prove to Erica
that true love is forever.

Is this what it feels like
when I don't listen?

Because I'm okay with that.

Hey, I got all naked.
I couldn't find the towels.

Is that our bedspread?

Eh, it's somebody's.

I have a lot of work ahead of me.

While my mom was determined
to save Mike's marriage,

Barry wanted me to help
celebrate his relationship.

Dang it. One piece is missing.

Uh, we get the gist.

It's the green guy from "Ghostbusters."

That's Slimer. He's pure ectoplasm,

and he's not just a mascot,
he's a friend.

You know, sometimes it's okay to just say,
"That's right, Brea."

- You're done with this.
- No!

- Hey, it's your brother.
- Enough small talk.

I have an emergency announcement.

Joanne and I have been dating
for a few months,

and I finally found her
the perfect gift.

The gift of me.

[British accent] Barry. Barry Bond.

[Normal voice] Nephew of James Bond

and worldly gentleman super-spy

and insatiable and acrobatic lover.

But those words don't describe you.

If anything, you're the opposite
of James Bond.

And you're the opposite of
the opposite of James Bond.

So... James Bond?

Look, I'm not here to discuss

how confusing opposites can get,
Dave Kim.

I'm here to make great art.

I'll bite. What are you gonna
force us to do?

The title is "You Only Die
Once or Twice,

but Never Three Times"?

Your parts are highlighted.

Brea, you are the femme fatale.

Why am I wearing a bikini
in the Swiss Alps?

I justify it on page seven.

You were born in a Russian genetics lab

and you're half polar bear
from your father's side.

I'm Q and Moneypenny?

So much range.

expl*sive gadgets and secretarial work.

And I die in the first scene
by being filled with lead

then pulled apart by giant magnets?

It's gruesome, but necessary so
I can avenge your idiotic death.

This is lazy writing.

I refuse to change a single word.

Why is everyone mischievous?

The mischievous manservant.

The mischievous baccarat dealer.

The mischievous baby?

It heightens the tension, Dave Kim.

Despite this not fitting in with

my usual light-hearted cinematic tastes,

I have always wanted
to dabble in the spy genre,

- so we're in.
- We are?

I'm part polar bear, Adam.

But only if I handle the rewrite.

Deal.

While my brother was determined
to be the best Bond ever,

my mom was intent on
fixing Mike's marriage.

Hello, Murray Goldberg.

Get out of the papasan.

I most certainly will not
get out of the papasan.

I love the papasan.

It is my papa-sanctuary.

Do not get involved in Mike's marriage.

I have a plan.

See, the way to drive Mike
back into Franny's arms

is to show him what he's been missing.

And how are you gonna do that?

By getting him to date a woman
far worse than Fran.

- [Door bells jingle]
- Beverly,

why did you ask to meet me in
this off-season haunted house?

This is my husband's place of business.

Remind me what he does for work again...

besides having to tell you
that he loves you.

Save that gold.

Oh, Mike, you have a customer.

Hello, miss, may I help you
find something?

Is there a door closer than that one

to leave this godforsaken place?

Mike, this is Jane. Jane, Mike.

- How do you...
- Don't touch me with that hand.

You look like a man
who scratches everywhere.

Bevy, your friend is very mean
and very attractive.

Hm, well, I don't see it,
but let's pretend yes.

Um, you know, Mike has recently
become single.

Are you trying to set us up?

Have you seen me?

I have the body of a swimmer.

He has the body of someone

they'd find face-down in a river.

I'm mesmerized.

I have an idea.
Why don't the two of you go

and discuss all of the things
you don't have in common

at China Garden.

Fine. But only because you think
you're some great matchmaker.

I'll prove you wrong.

Oh, no, don't do that.

Shall we make some mistakes?

- [Sighs]
- And so, it looked like my mom's plan

to drive Mike back into his wife's arms

was gonna be a success.

Until it wasn't.

It was great!

- There's my steady beau.
- What?

I hate to admit it, Beverly,
but you did it.

Well, don't you have some qualms?

Oh, all of them.

But despite his unappealing
nature and shape,

he made it quite clear of
his enormous wealth,

so whee!

Oh, my.

What a unique pairing.

Stick this in your vows...

Don't marry the first dummy
that comes along.

Wait for the second dummy
who's smoking hot.

And make sure the dummy's
ridiculously loaded.

All right, I'm so happy for you. Bye.

She wasn't.

Meanwhile, Barry had finished his movie

and was ready to show Joanne
how good of a Bond he could be.

You are gonna love this surprise.

Ooh, I'm so excited.

But why didn't you just
blindfold me with a necktie?

I don't own one.

But I do own two pirate's eyepatches.

Ta-da!

We're gonna watch a movie?

Oh, not just any movie.

One made especially for you.

And it was gonna be epic.

[British accent] This summer,

get ready for Bond, Barry Bond... .

'Cause that's twice as good as seven.

Time to die, Mr. Bond.

♪

The time to die is yours.

[Imitates bones cracking]

[Normal voice] It has it all... action.

Romance.

Style.

Underwater stuff.

And, of course, the man himself.

Saving the world is easy.

What's hard is
looking this good doing it.

[British accent] Coming this summer

and every summer after.

ADULT ADAM: But her response...

not what he expected.

[Laughs] Oh, my God.

Thank you for this.

It was the perfect gift.

[Laughs] Ooh, underwater stuff.

- Yeah, underwater stuff.
- Ahh!

I should go freshen up.
I peed myself a little.

[Laughs]

♪

It had been a day since

Joanne's underwhelming reaction
to Barry's Bond movie.

There's my Care Bear.

Who's excited to go mini-golf?

You can be your favorite... red ball.

Eh, I'm not really in the mood
for tiny versions of anything.

Well, I'm a tiny version,
and you like me.

For sure. I'mma go take a nap

in my childhood bedroom
where I feel safe.

Even though the samurai sword
above my bed

would suggest otherwise.

Gee, I wonder if he's upset.

I may know what's going on.

I didn't exactly respond
to his Bond movie

- the way that he'd hoped.
- And how did you respond?

I laughed and laughed.

And then laughed some more.

Why would you do that?

I thought that it was a joke.

He wrestled a rubber snake.

For nine minutes.

For some reason, he demanded final cut.

Still, it's well established
Barry's a tad sensitive.

[Scoffs] A tad?

I coughed while he was talking,

and he accused me of
trying to ruin his story

about meeting a turtle.

Insanely sensitive.

But how could he not be?

On one hand, our dad constantly
calls him a moron.

On the other, our mom endlessly

showers him with undeserved praise.

It's not a parenting success story.

But he will get over it, right?

I dunno. One time at the mall,

he lost a game of peek-a-boo to a baby,

and I had to physically separate them.

Sounds like he can't really
handle anything.

You're a quick study, Joanne.

But I can give you a few tricks

that I use to calm our
combustible little buddy.

We'll begin with the three P's.

First up... praise.

So I just say nice things to him?

- I do that already.
- No.

This is the kind of praise that
isn't applicable to any human.

If it doesn't feel like
you're worshiping a living god,

you're doing it wrong.

Stroke the bear. [Clicks tongue] Check.

There's gotta be so many
better ways to say that.

Next up, power.

Of course.

I have it all, and he wants it.

Not at all.

Power as in athletic prowess
on the sports field.

So just let him win at sports?

Well, it goes against
my dominant nature, but okay.

For the third and final "P"...

Pan-fried trout?
No, it's pan-fried chicken.

Oh, wait, is the "P" silent?
Is it Pterodactyl?

You don't have to guess.

You just have to
publicly humiliate yourself.

You lower yourself
to make him feel higher.

For the record, I don't think
any woman should ever

debase herself
to make a man feel better.

Well, that's why
you don't have a boyfriend.

[Chuckles]

Thanks.

♪

She took the chalkboard.

While Joanne hoped
to help Barry save face,

my mom's plan to fix Mike's
marriage had blown up in hers.

You will never guess
who I just saw during

my power walk/power sit
and eat Sbarro at the mall.

- Tip O'Neill?
- No.

- Mr. Belvedere?
- TV character.

- Quick Draw McGraw?
- Cartoon.

- Waldenbooks?
- That is a store.

It was Formica Mike and Jane Bales.

He was sitting on her lap.

I don't follow.

And I'm not asking for a clarification.

I just refuse to follow.

He needs to dump her
and go back to his wife.

Have you ever thought for a second

that it's a good thing
that Mike and Fran split?

Have you ever thought
for a second that you don't know

what the [bleep] you're talking about?

Fran's [gulps] a lot.

Why?

Because she's a strong, confident woman

who speaks her mind?

You've seen it, too.

[Doorbell rings]

How dare you?

How could you take my Mikey

and set him up with another woman?

I don't understand.
He said you kicked him out.

Of course I did. That's our thing.

Especially now that
the kids are out of the house

and the seams have been revealed.

We're hot, then we're cold,

then we're sweaty and disgusting.

It's called marriage.

I was just trying to push him
back to you.

By dangling Bo Derek in front of him?

She's awful.

Men don't care about awful.

I'm awful.

You need to fix this.

We may have hit a rut,
but he's my forever baby.

There may be a way for me
to undo all of this.

♪

We are gonna put you on the arm
of a beautiful man.

And make Mikey jealous, nice.

Say hello to physical
educationalist Coach Nick.

A circus strong man? I don't know.

He's not really my type.

Well, it's not about your type.

It's about who is gonna be
the most threatening to Mike.

He does fill out those tiny shorts.

Those would be full-blown pants
on a regular man.

[Chuckles]

One glance at Coach Nick's beefy arms

will send Mike running
straight back into yours.

I love this plan.

As my mom was fixing up
another unlikely couple,

Joanne was trying to fix
her relationship with Barry,

starting with praise.

Hubba-hubba.
Look at my buff, beautiful boy.

Did someone replace my shirt
with a snugger version?

Pfft. I wouldn't know,

but you are the smartest person
God made.

Well, it doesn't matter
if I can't punch and kick.

But praise didn't seem to work,

so it was time for
the second "P"... power.

Hey.

Bet you can't score on me.

Effortless challenge accepted.

Great.

Oh. Oh.

Ah! Ah!

Oh, boom shakalaka.

You are clearly an NBA All-Star.

Wait. These aren't regulation nets.

There's a nine-year-old
over there windmill jamming.

And he has newer Jordans
than mine. [Scoffs]

And when that didn't work,

Joanne had to resort to the final "P"...

public humiliation.

Whoa!

[Laughter]

Well, this is embarrassing.

But also hilarious.

Now you can laugh at me

and recognize that sometimes
things in life are funny.

I don't see why it's funny to
waste all that Hawaiian Punch.

Island people worked hard

to squeeze tropical sunshine
into every drop.

Seriously, Barry? Come on.

You come on.

Why did you laugh at me as James Bond?

Because it was hysterical.

But I was equal parts
dangerous and sexy.

You weren't, okay?

I love you so much
that I bent over backwards

to make you feel better.

So maybe the problem
isn't that I laughed

but that you're too insecure
to laugh at yourself.

Ugh.

While Joanne had hit
her breaking point with Barry,

my mom was still hoping
she could get Mike and Fran

to come together.

Beverly, this puff is heavenly.

What's in it?

Oh, just butter, lard, oil, flour,

cheese, bacon, more cheese,
and beef drippin's.

Beef drippin's?

That's what Mama used
to feed me as a baby.

Aww. [Chuckles]

It's dark out,
there are people in my house,

and I don't like it.

It's called a mingle party,
Murray. So mingle.

And do I really need to be here

for your little lesson on
the sanctity of marriage?

Yes. You're gonna witness
firsthand how love always wins.

Can love win in the basement
with the TV on?

Bev, we need to talk.

Look, I know giant Coach Nick
is not your type

and shorts with a blazer
are not au courant,

but you got to trust me.

Mike is gonna come
crawling back in no time.

Forget dumb Mike.

I think it's love with this Nick fella.

He wants to take me places.

It's to run stairs at the stadium,

but he's so intense and demanding,

I think I want to please him.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Hey, tell me you're planning on
fighting Coach Nick

to get your wife back.

Why would I do that?

Look at that guy.
He's a brick wall with eyes.

And I'll tell you something...
I'm relieved.

Because for a minute there, I felt bad

about liking this horrible,
gorgeous woman.

Oh, I made him sell his dog.

In fact, I would like
to propose a toast.

FORMICA MIKE: To Beverly.

She saw our broken home
and easily found it new love.

- Mm.
- Marriage is like musical chairs.

They play the music until
you find the right chair.

And Jane is my chair.

Oh, we'll see
who's gonna be whose chair.

Well, I'm happy for all of you.

♪

Hey, what's going on?

Honestly, I don't know.

I thought marriage was
supposed to last forever.

Aw, come on.

[Sighs]

Erica knows better than that.

I'm not worried about Erica.

I'm worried about us.

Us?

Mike's lazy, Fran nags.

She speaks her mind, he's a pill.

Their kids go off to college,
and immediately they grow apart.

I mean, I know it sounds crazy,

but are we that different?

Bevy, that's ridiculous.

Is it?

They thought the same thing once, too.

♪

After his most recent
interaction with Joanne,

Barry was left with a burning question.

JTP and Adam.

- TOGETHER: JTP!
- And Adam, I guess.

Joanne has brought something
to my attention

that has shaken me to my rock-hard core.

Be honest.

Would you describe me as sensitive?

I would describe you
as handsome and powerful.

Yeah. Wanna tackle me?

Tackle me, too, Big Tasty.

Always down for a Barry tackle.

Damn it, it's true.

You're all just triple "P"-ing me.

I saw the chalkboard.

Aw, why did Joanne take it with her?

My closest friends and family

don't even feel comfortable
being honest with me?

Bar, it's just... you feel so deeply.

Plus, you're unstable,
irrational, volatile,

and oh, no, what have I done?

See, we live in constant fear

of how you'll react to
even the smallest criticism.

You're actually ripping up
my history paper as we speak.

Fine. I can be a bit brash at times,

and you've all just been okay with this?

It's been a difficult two decades.

I have something called trauma dandruff.

But we care about you
and want to protect you.

Even though sometimes
it's at our own expense.

We aren't honest with you
because it's easier.

But what Joanne did,
telling you the truth,

laughing in the face
of a wild-card lunatic...

that took guts.

- [Crowded House's "Something So Strong"]
- Okay.

But from now on, I'd rather have

a little dose of honesty
from you guys too.

- Nope.
- Our system works.

- If it ain't broke.
- I'm going to college soon.

♪ Love can make you weep ♪

Hey.

I was hoping you'd be here.

It really didn't seem that way
the past few days.

Sorry. I was jealous of your
relationship with James Bond.

A fictional character, but go on.

[Sighs] It also seems
I'm deeply insecure.

And even though it hurts,

the good thing is I know you'll
always tell me the truth.

Always.

Like if it was between you and ,

I'd pick you every time.

Really?

Really.

[British accent] Why, Mr. Goldberg,

can I fix you something?

Coffee, tea...

me?

♪ Is like a lust for gold ♪

Get over here.

♪

♪ Something so strong ♪

Well, I just finished my vows.

Want to take a look?

Did you mention that marriage is

nothing but a silly farce until you die?

- ♪ Something so strong ♪
- Just read.

♪ Could carry us away ♪

"I can't wait to be
your partner for life,

your best friend,

the person you grow old with.

Some people say marriage is hard,

but I know it won't be for me
because I'll be married to you."

♪ You fall into the same trap ♪

Erica, this is so beautiful.

♪ Is happening to us all ♪

It's because Dad helped me.

♪ Yeah ♪

You helped her with this?

Eh, the girl transcribed some grunts.

So you're never gonna leave me?

Bevy, we're not like those other people.

You are my everything.

Just don't make a big deal out of it.

♪ Something so strong ♪

♪ Could carry us away ♪

I'm your everything!

[Both laugh]

♪ Something so strong ♪

Sometimes love isn't perfect.

♪ Could carry us awa-a-a-a-a-y ♪

When you're with the right person,

you learn to love them
not despite their flaws,

but because of them.

♪ Something so strong ♪

Okay, despite my better
judgment, we're doing a sequel.

All right, where's my Bond girl?

She's sitting this one out
for obvious reasons.

But I did find you a new Bond girl

that I think you'll have
a real connection with.

What? Who?

[Spy movie music plays]

Why, Mr. Bond, you look
surprised to see me.

Introducing Mommy Galore.

I'm a moon scientist.

No. I am not gonna wrestle on
the rim of a volcano with her.

But I have a license to snuggy.

[Groans]

- Here she goes.
- [Squeaking]

- [Groans]
- He loves them.

She really is the greatest
villain of all time.

- [Smooching]
- Stop, stop. Cut.

Fine!