02x09 - Chase and Pat Are k*lling It

[bunniefuu]

[MELLOW CHIME]

- This is so fancy.
- First class to LA, baby!

Doesn't get much better than this.

- Thanks for buying my ticket.
- Of course!

You've never flown up here before,

and you needed to experience it.

It's just so much nicer

than being back there
in coach with the trash.

It's rude to say, but the people
back there can be so tacky.

Whereas up here, they're more refined.

Pff. Totally.

I mean, these are the upper
echelons of society.

- Yeah.
- They're the elites.

Which is why it makes
sense that we're up here

because we're elites now, too.

Oh, God, can you imagine
being surrounded

by a bunch of crying babies right now?

Oh, I know, gross.

Can I offer you two a welcome drink?

- Oh! Um...
- Oh!

- Yes, please!
- Yes, please!

- Thank you.
- Thanks.

- To us.
- To us.

- Mmm...
- Mmm!

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

- _
- Lance says everything looks good

at the venue for Chase's show tomorrow.

I can't believe Lance put together
an entire fashion show.

I know. He's been so on top of it.

I think the show's
gonna be really legit.

Anna Wintour is coming!

- She is?
- Yeah, she and Chase text.

Also, I got Alessia Cara's email
and personally invited her, too.

You mean your peer in the industry?

Cary, I actually do think
we're peers now.

I mean, I'm k*lling it
with Chase and Mom.

- She'd be lucky to meet me.
- Oh, my God, Brooke.

I really think she could come!

I mean, I haven't heard back,
and she is currently in London,

and it's a -hour flight from London

for a... how long's a fashion show?

- Seven minutes?
- Oof. Still.

- She could come!
- [SMALL LAUGH] Sure, Brooke.

Okay, no more work talk, please.

Mom and Chase fly out tomorrow.

That means I have one
whole day to myself

to not think about work.

I don't even want people
knowing I'm a manager.

[PHONE BUZZING]

Yes!

This guy I messaged on Grindr
in LA just got back to me.

Ooh, what are you guys talking about?

Well, I said hi, and he just sent
me a photo of his full butthole.

Cary, you have to send him one back.

[LAUGHS] That's... I dunno.

Maybe I should.

Wait... really?

I mean, I wanna be having more sex.

And after Dean Brennon,

it's nice that this is
a real live gay guy

who wants to actually f*ck me.

I'm gonna do it?

Yeah! I'm going to take
a photo of my butthole

and send it to this man.

Cary, this is such beautiful progress.

Thank you, sister.

You taking a hole pic, too?

Yeah.

- [EXHALES]
- [SOFT MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUFFLED] I love this flight
from New York to LA.

Sorry, what?

I was just saying I love this
flight from New York to LA.

There's always so many people
in the industry on board.

Oh. Yeah.

Last week, Teri Hatcher
was where you are.

I got to pick her brain about
"Desperate Housewives"

- the whole flight.
- How fun for her.

Are you in the industry?

No, no.

I thought I heard you're a manager.

Oh, yes, I am, of a... UPS store.

So, not what you were looking for.

I'll see you when the snacks come by.

Okay, how do we do this?

[CAMERA LENS CLICKS]

Oh, my God, that's what you are?

[GRUNTING]

[CLICK]

Okay, well, that made it look enormous.

- [GRUNTS]
- [CLICK]

Skypoint Airlines flight to LAX...

Aw. That one's actually kinda pretty.

Okay, hope I did it right.

Is it a picture of your butthole?

- Yeah.
- Is there sh*t pouring out of it?

- No.
- Then I think you did it right.

Okay, I'm sending it.

Now I can just enjoy
the rest of the flight.

Let's see what movies they have.

[PHONE BUZZES]

Oh.

That guy on Grindr sent me his hole.

- It's pretty good.
- Let me see.

Holy sh*t, this is Cary Dubek!

Wait, the actor? How do you know?

'Cause it's a live photo.
When you press it,

you can see his face at the
beginning, concentrating.

Look. Just hold it down.

- Oh, Mike, this is insane!
- I know.

You have to text this to me.

Okay, but don't send it to anybody else.

I won't.

- [PHONE BUZZES]
- Why did Mike just send me

a picture of a butthole?

Oh, wait, it's live.

Oh, my God, it's Cary Dubek.

What? [GASPS] You have
to send that to me.

- Ooh, me too.
- [PHONE BUZZES]

It's his full hole!

- Whose hole?
- Cary Dubek's.

Ooh, PopChips!

Oh, God, you have to send that to me.

Send it to all of us.

- [PHONE BUZZES]
- So, you were just on the subway

and this was airdropped to you?

Yeah. He must be freaking out.

You have to send this
to the "Frozen" thread.

I'm gonna send it to the
whole Broadway one,

'cause you know the "Wicked"
guys are gonna want it, too.

- [MELLOW CHIME]
- Welcome to sunny Los Angeles

where the local time is : p.m.

[PHONE BUZZES]

That's weird.

I just got a text from this gay guy

I used to dance with who
lives in Montreal now.

"Just wanted to make sure
your brother saw this."

And there's a photo...

Hold on, it's still loading.

- [GASPS] Oh!
- Ohhhhhh!

Oh, my God, my hole is everywhere!

How did this happen? It's on LeakedMeat!

- It is?
- Yes! This sucks.

I know, I love that site!

Now I can't go on without seeing
my brother's hole... again?

Hi, checking in, Brooke Dubek.

Isn't this place fancy?

I heard this is where the celebs stay.

- Oh, sh*t.
- Are you in the industry?

- Nope. I make... toilets.
- f*ck!

- Oh.
- Yeah.

So I guess that's the
end of this convo, huh?

Oh, my God, it's spreading
to every celeb p*rn site.

What's FapNation?

f*ck, Cary. I'm so sorry I
told you to send your hole.

I guess I forgot that you're,
like, famous now.

- What? I'm not famous!
- Yes, you are!

- Night Nurse, Dean Brennon?
- Neither of those are real.

Doesn't matter. You can't go on Grindr
like a regular person anymore.

Honestly, you should kinda be proud.

I truly don't know how this happened.

I didn't even tell this guy who I was!

- Wait. You didn't?
- No!

I mean, my profile says "Cary, ,
Actor," but I don't show my face.

- He must have just guessed.
- Then this is great!

You can just deny it's your hole.

I mean, it's your word against his.

Yeah! Yeah, you're right.

What do I do?

I dunno, go on Instagram
Live and say it wasn't you.

And then literally put this behind you

- and go f*ck someone else.
- Right.

Here you go, two Royal Executive Suites

and a full-day spa package
for one of the rooms.

- Everyone needs a toilet.
- Okay...

"Hey, guys. A butthole has recently
been brought to my atten... "

No. "Hello.

Some of you have seen a lewd
photograph of a bottom... "

It's too formal. "Hey, y'all... "
Okay, obviously not that.

[SCOFFS]

- [AHEM]
- [DING DING]

Hey, guys. Cary Dubek here. Um...

Apparently, there is a photo
of a butthole going around,

and some people are
saying that it's mine,

um, so I just wanted to pop on
here and clear some things up.

It is not my butthole,

I've never sent my butthole to anyone...

Okay, we're getting some comments.

Marc says, "It's definitely
your hole, dude."

Okay. Again, Marc, it is not my hole.

Uh. Okay, Marc now says,

"LOL it was a live photo, dude."

Okay, uh, Marc, I don't know
what you mean by live, but...

"When you press it, it moves
and your face is in it... "

Uh... I... [LAUGHS, MUTTERS]

Well, I don't know whose face that is.

Okay, Ron says, "You're also
wearing the same sweater now

as you are in the photo."

Well, guess that is just a coinciden...

And Kyle says,

"LOL, you just made this
so much worse, dude."

All right, guys, well, thanks
so much for the feedback.

This has been super fun.
I do have to run, uh,

so peace and love, y'all!

God... ohhh!

Mmm...

- Mind if I join you?
- Ughhh.

Sure.

- So are you in the...
- Nope! I'm not in the industry.

I'm...

What's the most boring
job you can think of?

An accountant?

Yep! That's what I am. Night, night.

Uhh... ooh...

- Oh!
- Oh, f*ck!

Oh... what the hell? [GROANS]

- Oh, my God, your teeth.
- What? Oh, no, I'm fine.

- I'm just... I'm bleeding.
- It's okay.

I met a dentist at the hot tub earlier.

- Let me go get them.
- No, please.

I do not wanna talk to a dentist.

Here she is!

Here's the woman who told
me she was a dentist.

Hi.

Alessia Cara.

[DRAMATIC STRING MUSIC]

She came.

Mr. Dubek, the lawyer will see you now.

Okay.

Hi, um, this is embarrassing,

um, but I need help getting a photo
of my, uh, BH off the internet?

Sorry! Wrong office.
It's the one next door.

Oh, okay. Thank you for your time.

Hi there, um, I need help
getting a photo of my BH...

The office next door the other way.

Okay, well, why don't
you just bring me there?

How's it looking, Doctor?

- It's hard to say.
- Honestly, really, I am fine.

Relax, you're in good hands.

When I asked her where
she went to school,

she said Dentist University.

- Ah.
- Sounds like one of the main ones.

And this lady's an accountant.

- Yeah. Uh-huh.
- Cool.

Okay, I'm gonna go get some towels.

I'll be right back.

Okay, you do know I'm
not a dentist, right?

Uh, yeah, I am well aware that
you are pop singer Alessia Cara.

- Okay.
- It's insane she believed you.

You look like a full gorgeous child.

- Yeah.
- And actually,

I'm not an accountant. I'm...

Brooke Dubek.

Wait, did I say my name or did you?

I did. I know who you are.

- You do?
- Okay, here are the towels.

- Anything else, Doctor?
- Yes, yep, she needs gloves.

So you should probably
leave, get us gloves.

- Oh, and floss!
- You got it!

Wait... why floss?

Well, I'm not a dentist,

but I can tell you very
clearly you need to floss.

Oh. Cool.

Shouldn't be a problem
to get the photo down.

We can send cease and desists
to the websites that have it.

Great, great. Thank you. Thanks.

I'm assuming it's on all the
usual suspects? LeakedMeat?

- Yes.
- FapNation?

- Yes.
- CelebrityAss.cum?

- Yes.
- CelebrityCum.ass?

We don't have to keep saying
them all out loud, but yeah.

I also need to send one to Twitter,

'cause I tried to deny
it was me in the photo,

but didn't realize my face was in it,

so people are making fun of me
and posting memes and stuff...

- Oh, that's bad.
- Yeah. Bowen Yang from "SNL"

even made a lip-sync of my denial video.

- Can I see it?
- Yeah.

"Hey, guys, Cary Dubek here, um...

Apparently, there is a photo
of a butthole going around,

- and some people are saying... "
- This is great.

- Yeah, he's very talented.
- Oh, hold on, it's not done.

"So I just wanted to pop on here... "

I feel bad lying to people, obviously.

It's just sometimes I just
kind of want time to myself

to not have to like, talk about
the industry, you know.

Yeah, I totally get it.

It's actually kind of funny you
were doing the same exact thing.

I guess we're basically the same.

Some might even say we're
peers in the industry.

Yeah. [LAUGHS]

Sorry. So you would say
we're peers in the industry?

What do you mean? Yeah. It's
actually really lucky this happened.

I've been meaning to meet
you for a very long time.

This is everything I ever wanted.

Everything that you've done
for Chase and his career,

like the clothing line,

the cologne... Bambi! I would
k*ll for a career like his.

All I do is sing. It's humiliating.
Ask me what percent

- of the Nets I own.
- What percent?

No percent. I've never even been sued.

Oh, you should absolutely
have been sued by now.

- Even I've been sued.
- Thank you!

This is exactly what I have been meaning

to talk to you about actually.

I haven't really been psyched
on my managers lately,

so I was maybe wondering...

- Okay, I got the gloves and the floss.
- Get the f*ck out, Donna!

Okay, Marc now says,

- "LOL, it was a live photo... "
- [LAUGHING] God, I love him.

And it's so nice to see someone pop
right away on "SNL," you know?

Yes, the whole new cast is
really coming into their own.

I'm sorry, can we get
back to me, please?

Of course.

I can see why you'd wanna send
a cease and desist to Twitter.

Thank you, yeah.

Unfortunately, that's
not a thing you can do.

It's Twitter.

Once you're on Twitter you're,
legally speaking, f*cked.

- Oh, my God.
- [PHONE BUZZES]

Sorry.

- Hey.
- Cary!

You are not gonna believe this!

Alessia Cara just asked
me to manage her!

Wait, what?

- She's here?
- Yeah.

She came, knew who I was,
called me her peer out loud,

and then asked me to manage her!

- That is literally so insane.
- I know.

She's going on tour on Monday,
and she wants me to come along

to discuss the next
"phase of her career."

Holy sh*t. Are you gonna do it?

Yeah! I mean... Chase is k*lling it,

Mom has two hit shows 'cause
of me. I think I can do this.

Where are you? I wanna celebrate!

Yeah. I-I want to, but I'm busy
getting f*cked like left and right.

Oh, my God, is this
just how you talk now?

- Okay, well, have fun.
- All right, bye.

Okay, so, what are my options here?

You just have to wait it out.
You'll be made fun of a little longer,

then people will move on.
The worst is over...

Holy sh*t, wait, oh, my
God, it's on TV now?

A lewd photograph of Cary Dubek,

who's recently been
linked to Dean Brennon

and stars in the upcoming
film "Night Nurse"...

- Both not real.
- ... is making the rounds on Twitter.

- And now Skypoint Airlines CEO...
- Oh, God.

... Carson Bell has been
forced to issue a statement.

- No, no, no, no, no, no.
- "Skypoint is a family airline.

"We condemn the way
Mr. Dubek used his butt

- "in our lavatory.
- What?

"Our customers should be
able to kick back, relax,

"and use their bare
toes to select a movie

"without this disgusting behavior
happening next to them."

How does he even know
I took it on a plane?

Even if it is live, you
can't tell where I am!

Did you watch it with the sound on?

Live photos also have sound.

Skypoint Airlines flight to LAX...

God damn it!

I know this isn't your fault,
but I do not like you.

[RAPID FOOTSTEPS]

Yo, what's up, dude?

Hey, so I just got some pretty big news,

and I could think of no friend

I would rather celebrate with than you.

- Cary's busy?
- Yeah, he's getting railed.

But, um, I was kind of
hoping you and Leah

would wanna drink some
champagne with me, please?

She actually doesn't
get in 'til tomorrow,

but hell yeah, I'm down.

- What're we celebrating?
- Okay, so you know Alessia Cara?

Of course.

Hey, Shuli, are you here yet?

I could really use your help...

Oh, thank God.

Shuli. You're a publicist.

Maybe you can do something.

She's not a publicist. She's a milkman.

- That's right. I'm a milkman.
- No, I don't have time for this, okay?

- My butthole was just on the news!
- [PHONE BUZZES]

- What?
- sh*t,

Busy Phillips just retweeted the clip!

"Everybody needs to see this.

"Skypoint Airlines is h*m*.

@CaryDubek, I stand with you
and your hole"? No, Busy!

Don't stand with my hole.
You're making this worse.

I'm not sure why you need
a publicist... this is great.

You just keep getting
more and more famous.

Then again, what do I know?

- I sell milk.
- Deliver it?

- Collect.
- I don't wanna be famous for this.

God, I finally got confidence
to send someone

a picture of my butthole,
and it ruins my life.

I gotta find this guy. I am literally
gonna b*at the sh*t out of him.

Says he's miles away.

. . He's this way.

[SOFT CHUCKLE]

Ladies and gentlemen,

she didn't know what she was gonna do

with her life ten months ago,

but was just asked to
manage Alessia Cara!

Give it up for Brooooke Dubeeeek!

- Hey-ohhh!
- [GIGGLING]

You see that?

- Hey-ah! Uhh!
- Yeah! Let's go!

- Yeah, yeah!
- Uhh! Uhh!

And how many nuggets are in an order?

Okay, we will do six orders of nuggets.

Oh, and are they in a shape?

Like, are they a dinosaur
or are they just round?

- [MOUTHING] Round. Okay, that's fine.
- Okay,

he was the th president
of the United States.

Alessia Cara!

- Yes! Okay, he directed "E.T."
- Uh...

- Alessia Cara!
- Yes. Just watch this.

♪ Ready ♪
♪ Ready please ♪

[GASPS] Ohh...

- Oh!
- Wah!

- Aah!
- Ha ha ha ha ha!

[SCATTING]

And do you have tater tots?

We will also do six
orders of tater tots.

[GASPS] And can we get some cheese?

"On what?" A plate.

Lance, you always call right
when I'm taking a sh*t!

- What's up, Aunt Connie?
- Hi, Connie.

Wait, is that Brooke?

Honey Pistachio, Lavender Rosemary,

Chocolate.

I think our kids just want chocolate.

Connie, Brooke just got asked
to manage Alessia Cara.

Oh, honey, that is amazing.
I'm so proud of you.

- Who is Alessia Cara?
- [BOTH LAUGHING]

Aah! Ha ha!

- Ho!
- Whoo!

_

What?

Hi, um...

can I go inside here?

Password.

Please, I need to... talk to
someone about my hole.

- Yep. That's it.
- What?

Right through the double doors.
You can check your clothes inside.

Check my clothes?

[THUMPING DANCE MUSIC]

♪ ♪

Hey, Hole! Congrats on Busy!

Thank you, sir.

Oh, hey, you again!

We've had two very different days.

- Yup.
- But congrats on Busy!

Wait, Cary Dubek?

It's me.

Cameron? How are you here
too? And where's... Nooner?

Oh, our pilot didn't get picked up,

so we got divorced. And now I'm this.

Yeah, I live here in LA,
and I'm dating this new guy.

His name's Aaron Schock.
You wanna meet him?

I think he's here somewhere. Aaron!

Sorry, No, no.

- I'm a little busy right now.
- Oh, that reminds me.

- I saw on Twitter. Congrats on...
- Busy. Yes, thank you.

No, Julianne Moore.

Wait, what?

Yeah, you know what's
pretty cool to think about?

What?

- This is one of the best days...
- Oh!

... of your entire life,
and you're still in it.

Like, you're in one of the
best days of your life ever...

- right... now.
- [LAUGHS]

That is such a parody
of something you say

- when you're high.
- I'm serious, B. It's cool.

Yeah. No, yeah, I mean, it is cool.

And you're always gonna
remember tomorrow.

I mean, you designed
a full fashion line.

I always knew you could do that.

[SOFT SNICKERING]

- What?
- No f*cking way, dude.

- What are you talking about?
- There's no way

you ever thought I'd have
my own fashion line.

- You're right.
- Thank you.

I absolutely did not believe in you.

But, I mean, in my defense,
I didn't believe in me either.

Plus, when we were together,
the best idea you had

was "edible shoes." And now look at you!

That's a full rack of real
clothes that you made.

Thanks, B.

But I'll have you know,
one of those fits is edible.

Is it the one with the flies on it?

Yeah.

Earlier today, Skypoint
Airlines condemned Cary Dubek

for a photo he took on
one of their planes.

Celebrities immediately
rallied around him

and now some of the
biggest names in Hollywood

are vowing to take action.

- Take action?
- Julianne Moore tweeted,

"I'm never giving my
money to Skypoint again.

"Instead, I'm giving it to
Cary Dubek by buying a ticket

to his film "Night Nurse"
opening weekend.

- Who's with me?"
- Oh, Julianne, no!

That was instantly
retweeted by Judd Apatow,

Chris Evans, and Ava DuVernay,

all of whom vowed to see " Night Nurse"

- opening weekend as well.
- This is not happening.

And Patton Oswalt just tweeted,

"I'm buying tickets to
the opening weekend

of 'Night Nurse' for the next
people who RT this."

- God!
- "Or eff it... the next thousand."

[THUMPING DANCE MUSIC]

♪ ♪

- ♪ Earthquake ♪
- Oh, sh*t.

♪ Make the ground shake ♪

Look at this crown molding.

I gotta get me some
of this crown molding.

[CHUCKLING]

Can you believe we get to stay

- in places like this now?
- Hmm.

Oh, my God, do you remember
that sh*thole we stayed in

- for Victor's wedding?
- Oh, my God, f*ck that place.

I hated that place.

You got so mad at those people.

They kept coming up and yelling at us,

saying we were being loud,

but it's just 'cause the beds were old.

I just remember that they said

that if we got one more noise complaint,

that they were gonna kick us out,

and then it took you
a full hour to come.

Well, I can't come if I can't move.

[LAUGHING]

[BOTH CHUCKLING]

[BREATHING DEEPLY]

[SOFT EXHALE]

[MOANS]

- [MOANING]
- Ohh...

[MOANING]

- Ah... ah...
- Ahh...

[BOTH MOANING]

[SCREAMING] No!

Hey. Hey, wait.

- f*cking wait. Stop.
- O-okay, all right.

Look, I'm sorry,

I sent it to one friend, I didn't
know it'd become a thing.

Well, it did, didn't it?

And now everyone in
Hollywood's seen my hole.

But they'll also see your
movie. That's cool.

Oh, my f*cking God,
that movie isn't even...

- [PHONE BUZZES]
- Great.

A call from my agent at midnight.
That's always good.

- Cary, how's it going?
- Um... I've been better?

Well, I have some insane news.

"Night Nurse" is back on!

- What?
- Yeah.

So many people have said they'll
gonna see it opening weekend,

the financiers are confident
it's gonna turn a profit,

so they're back on board.

What? Who...

- who's playing Patricia Arquette's part?
- They don't know.

But they're scrambling
to cast someone right now

because they wanna have
a table read on Monday.

Whoa! Really? That's... that's fast.

Yeah, they wanna keep momentum going

while people are still talking about it.

So can you stay in LA another week?

Sure. Yes. So this is really happening?

For real? Like, I'm really
gonna be in a movie?

[CHUCKLES] Yes, Cary. You're
really gonna be in a movie.

Congrats.

Guess that hole pic is the best
thing that ever happened to you.

Yes!

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes! Yes!

[THUMPING DANCE MUSIC]

♪ ♪

I still can't believe all of these
people tweeted about your hole.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

- I know.
- But I'm so happy for you.

What about you?

All you've talked about
for the last six months

is meeting Alessia Cara and
needing to go to the dentist,

and somehow today you did both?

- Hmm.
- Ha.

I'm sorry I couldn't celebrate with you.

It's okay. I hung with Lance.

I'm glad you guys are friends again.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, my God, Mark Ruffalo tweeted?

- [HUFFS]
- Cary!

Your two high school dreams...

becoming an actor and having
Mark Ruffalo see your hole.

What a day!

I can't wait to tell Mom and
Chase about the movie.

When do they get in tomorrow?

Mom has a bunch of stuff during the day,

so they land right before the show.

Oh, God, I'm excited to see them.

Yeah, I think tomorrow's gonna be great.

And it's so nice that now all
four of us are doing well.

Oh, we should go celebrate
after the show.

- Get dinner.
- Or drinks.

Or we can just play it by ear,

see where the night takes us.

- Brain dead?
- What?

- What?
- The Mitchy...

- I can't wait.
- Yeah.

Me neither.

♪ Do more, I won't call you ♪

♪ Do more, I won't be here ♪

♪ The more you laugh
at me I should vow ♪

♪ I want you back with me ♪

♪ Na, na, do more ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Do more ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Do more, I won't call you ♪

♪ Do more, I won't be here ♪

♪ Do more ♪

♪ ♪

♪ The more you laugh
at me I should vow ♪

♪ I want you, want you, please ♪

♪ Na, na, do more ♪