01x02 - Beers and Weirs

[bunniefuu]

Hey, Lindsay, how'd you like to go buy some new clothes at the mall?

Those old jeans are looking pretty ragged.

No, thanks, Mom. I like my jeans.

Dad's the one who could use some pants.

Who am I trying to impress?

When it's your house, you can wear a tuxedo to breakfast.

Honey, I called Mrs. Amendella.

She's gonna stay with you kids while Daddy and I are in Chicago.

Mom, no. We don't need a baby-sitter.

I can take care of Sam.

I can take care of myself.

Oh, yeah, that's a great idea.

I can just see you guys eating candy for breakfast and drawing pictures on the walls.

How old do you think we are, Dad?

I've been baby-sitting for the Kellers for two years already.

Yeah, but that's for their kids.

Well, I don't know.

Maybe they are a little old for a baby-sitter.

Maybe they're ready, honey.

Well, fine.

Mrs. Amendella makes the house smell like an old lady anyway.

[LAUGHS]

I hear Peter Lemengello is playing the closing night gala.

Mm, Paul Anka.

Ooh, Paul Anka. Can I come?

Yeah, I guess you'd prefer if we'd listen to that punk rock music I've been reading about.

You know those Sex Pistols? They spit on their audience.

Ah, that's terrible.

Yep, that's what I want to do.

Spend my hard-earned money to be spit on.

Now that's entertainment.

Oh, come on, Dad.

Every generation is afraid of the music that comes from the next.

Well, I'm sure your parents hated Elvis.

Elvis didn't expectorate on his fans.

No, but he d*ed on the toilet.

Well, that's paradise compared to where those Sex Pistols are gonna end up.

♪ [SINGING] I don't give a damn about my reputation

♪ Living in the past, it's a new generation

♪ A girl can do what she wants to do

♪ and that's what I'm gonna do

♪ And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation

♪ Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no

♪ Not me, me, me, me, me

♪ Whah, no, no, no no, no, no, no

♪ Not me, me, me me, me, me, me, me

♪ I don't give a damn about my reputation

♪ I've never been afraid of any deviation

♪ And I don't really care if you think I'm strange

♪ I ain't gonna change

♪ And I'm never gonna care about my bad reputation

♪ Not me

Hey, Lindsay.

Hey.

Hey, Nick.

Oh, hey. What's up?

What's the matter?

Um, John Bonham d*ed, you know.

Yeah, I know. Last week.

He's dead. You know, it's like, he's dead.

And as a result there's no more Led Zeppelin.

Well, why don't they just get a new drummer?

What, are you...?

Let's just forget it.

No. what you got to do is look for something in the store that's expensive but looks really cheap.

And then you switch price tags with something that is really cheap.

Then you gotta put the original back on it and return it for store credit.

That's how I got this jacket.

Ten bucks this thing cost me.

Oh, it's beautiful. Clearly worth all the effort.

[SCOFFS]

My dad caught a shoplifter once.

And he had to lock him in the store, and then the cops came.

Well, my dad says shoplifters cost him a fortune.

Hey, if I owned your store, I caught some little kid shoplifting, I'd just take him out back, and I'd deal with it.

Oh, would you, Mr. tough man?

Yeah, I would, Mrs. tough man.

Oh, like that time when John Ergner kicked your ass?

Like... like that?

Do you mind flapping your lips somewhere else?

You smell.

Hey, what, did you guys break up or something?

No, we didn't break up.

I dumped his loser ass.

Oh, is that what happened?

Okay, if it makes you feel better.

Do you guys wanna hey, does anybody want to come see "The Wall" with me on Saturday night?

Thought I might try an experiment, see it straight once. I don't know.

Don't do it. You'll regret it, man.

Trust me.

Well, I would, but my parents are going out of town, and I have to watch my little brother.

Uh, maybe we could all hang out at your house.

Kegger.

Kegger, [FAKES COUGH] Kegger.

-[LAUGHS] -You mean like a party?

Yeah, right.

Lindsay's too lame to let anyone enter her precious little house.

Sure. Why not?

[LAUGHS]

I like parties.

Great. Who's the too-lame one?

[SCOFFS] Up yours.

Bye.

Okay, guys, ten bucks each for the keg.

Come on. You too.

No, Lindsay, Lindsay, please.

House drinks free.

Why does she hang out with those guys?

I don't know.

Why don't you go over there and ask her?

They're gonna ruin her life.

If you don't care about high school, then you won't get into a good college, then you'll have no future, and you'll wind up dead or in jall.

Really?

Were you asleep during "Scared Straight"?

You're in love with Lindsay.

Ugh, I am not. What are you talking about?

Why are you getting so mad?

I'm not! Why would you say that?

Because you have your book in front of your pants.

Oh, shut up. Jerk.

I'm not in love with her. I just care about her because she's my good friend's sister.

Maybe you should ask yourself why you don't care.

I ca... come on, you know I care.

Sam.

Hey, Sam, I'm having a keg party tomorrow night.

You are?

Yeah, so you can't tell Mom and Dad.

What if your friends trash our house?

My friends aren't gonna trash the house.

I'll have plenty of time to clean up before Mom and Dad get back.

Mm, what if Dad finds out?

Well, that's my problem. Don't worry about it.

No, no, it's not, because Dad will yell at me for not telling on you.

Are you gonna tell on me?

I guess not.

Thanks, Sam. See you later.

Give me your keys, man. You're drunk.

I'm not drunk. Get out of my way. I'm fine.

No, you're not, and I'm not going to drive with you.

I don't care.

If you try to drive like that, I'm gonna call the police.

I thought you were my friend.

He is your friend, Daisy.

Who are you?

I'm the designated driver.

I made a pledge not to drink at this party so I can help people like you get home safely.

That's cool.

-Wow. -I should have done that.

That designated driver's pretty hot.

Like to get her drunk.

If you drive right now, you're not only a danger to yourself, but you're a danger to everyone else on the road.

You're like a loaded g*n.

[CRYING] I didn't want to hurt anyone.

-[LAUGHS] -We know that.

What do you say? Will you give me your keys?

And freeze!

Let's hear it for the sober students improv players.

[APPLAUSE]

That was a good example of how to prevent a tragedy.

But there's an even better way to save lives, and that's not to drink...

-Ken's got the right idea. -...or do dr*gs in the first place.

And, hey, just 'cause your parents Or other adults drink doesn't mean you have to.

Now, I know what you're thinking:

"Mr. Rosso, you don't understand.

If I don't drink, I won't be cool."

Well, you know what I say to that?

Maybe if you don't drink, you will be cool.

And right now our thespians, Millie, Cindy, and Harris, will show you how you can stay sober and still be cool.

Okay, what I need from you people is a kind of party where drinking might occur.

A kind of party.

A sex party.

[LAUGHTER]

All right, I think I heard someone say "birthday party."

Um, okay, you're at a birthday party and... go.

Hey, Mary. Happy birthday.

Oh, thank you, Bob.

How's it going?

Good. You did a really nice job decorating here.

You know if anyone here has any cocaine?

[LAUGHTER]

No. Coke does damage to your brain.

I think I can have coke whenever I want, but I can only watch you open your presents now.

Oh, thank you, Bob. That's very sweet.

I knew you'd make the right decision.

You wanna get out of here?

Sure.

Okay. I'm gonna go. Count to ten and then come.

This is the best birthday ever.

Okay, let's have cake.

Okay. Come on. Let's go get a glass of pop.

I hope they have orange.

Hey, it's a party, isn't it?

And freeze.

As you can see, nothing is more contagious than good judgment.

Thanks, g*ng. Jimmy, lights.

But if you still think drinking is cool,

Why not ask Jenny Powell if drinking is cool?

Well, you can't ask her.

She crashed into a phone pole this winter driving drunk after a New Year's party.

And you can't ask John Yablonski either.

He d*ed from alcohol poisoning at a fraternity party.

I love being told not to drink by a pothead hippie guidance counselor.

There's probably a bar in the teacher's lounge.

Yeah, probably.

-Hey, Stroker. -Hey.

Ten bucks for the keg.

-I know. -Don't weasel out on me.

I'll cut that hair off, and I'll sell it.

Oh, hey, um, I hope you don't mind.

I invited my cousin and a couple of his friends to the party.

Oh, that's cool. What grade are they in?

No grade. They're older.

Oh. Cool.

Right on.

[SIGHS] We got to do something about your sister's party.

What's the big deal? It's just beer.

Yeah, beer at a freak party?

My cousin's friend was at a freak party once, and someone put angel dust in her drink.

Oh, man.

We gotta go. To protect Lindsay.

Oh, I can't. Um, yeah, "Dallas" is on.

What? Bill, "Dallas" sucks.

You suck. "Dallas" rules.

Okay, so you're just gonna let Lindsay end up like one of those pictures.

Fine, I'll go. But I'm watching "Dallas" there.

[LAUGHTER]

I was just joking. I don't... I don't watch "Dallas."

If the hot water heater makes that funny noise, call the gas company.

I don't want to come home to a couple of dead kids.

There's 50 bucks on the dining room table.

That should be enough.

Lindsay, you're in charge of it.

Okay.

It's not for those "Star Wars" cards or those goofy packs.

Wacky packs.

Ah, whatever. Don't blow it.

Hey, Lindsay, come here, sweetie.

Yeah?

Okay, now, this is dinner for Friday night.

This is lunch and dinner for Saturday.

If you need anything else, Daddy left $50 on the dining room table, okay?

-Okay. -Okay, let's go.

I want to get there before the welcome mixer.

All right, and turn out the lights when you go out.

I'm not made of money.

Wait.

What is it?

Have a good trip.

-Ohh. -Thanks.

We'll be back Sunday night. Don't do anything stupid.

[CHUCKLES] Love you. Bye bye. Have fun, guys.

-BOTH: Bye. -Love you.

[CAR DEPARTS]

All right.

Um, at assembly today, they did these improvisations about drinking and driving.

It's pretty funny.

Yeah, I saw. That's why I left.

Well, at assembly today, they showed these pictures of these kids who d*ed in drunk driving accidents.

-Did you know any of them? -No.

Well, one of their moms talked.

She was pretty sad.

It kind of freaked everybody out.

Oh, and at assembly today, they said that, if you drink too much in one night, you can die of alcohol poisoning.

Sam, you sound like Dad.

I just don't know why you have to have beer at your party, that's all.

I mean, you've never had beer at any of your other parties, and they were fun.

Well, those were birthday parties, Sam.

We went bowling.

Yeah, well, remember the party where you had a magician?

That was fun. Why don't you have a magician?

We are not having a magi - Why am I talking to you?

I'm in charge. Leave me alone.

Leave me alone.

If "f" is a differentiable function of "x" and "c" is a real number, then...

-[SOFTLY] Party. -Party.

[KNOCK AT DOOR]

Can I help you, Miss?

Yeah, there's, um, an emergency phone call for Lindsay Weir.

It's her mom.

Oh, okay. Lindsay. Go ahead.

Come on, let's go.

Okay, people, back on me. Come on. The show's over.

Did they say what's wrong?

They didn't tell me anything.

Hey, Lindsay.

Not now, there's some emergency with my parents.

No, no, Lindsay. Lindsay, no, no, no.

I know. They want... They want you to come with them to buy a keg.

-What? -Hey, thanks a lot, Sara.

No problem. See you at the party tonight.

All right. That's a cute necklace.

Um, we're cutting.

Daniel is paying his brother 20 bucks, and he's gonna buy us a keg.

Everybody's waiting down at the car, so...

Are you okay?

Yeah, I... I just...

Well, it's that whole emergency phone call thing.

[CHUCKLES]

Let's go get some beer.

Okay, I got it.

Maybe you can call your parents and tell them you fell and hit your head and have them come home before the party.

Then what happens when they come home and see my head is fine?

Well, we'd have to hit you over the head and give you a bump.

Ooh, like in that Dirty Harry movie where the bad guy yells at this black guy so he will b*at him up, then he blames it on Clint.

"It was Callahan!"

No chance. I'm not gonna let you guys hit me.

Hey, guys. Whenever my uncle visits, my mom gives him non-alcoholic beer so he doesn't get all drunk and yell at everyone.

What's non-alcoholic beer?

It's just like beer, but it doesn't have that ingredient that makes you drunk.

Alcohol?

Yeah.

That's a great idea.

But we're gonna have to buy a whole keg of it.

That's gonna be expensive.

I don't have any money.

I don't either.

Yes, you do.

-Oh, no... no way. -Why not?

[SIGHS]

It's my bar mitzvah money.

I'm saving that to go backpacking across Europe.

Oh, come on, this is important.

Every time you guys have a problem, you want to dip into my bar mitzvah money.

It's not like I get to have another one.

-Come on. -For Lindsay?

Fine.

Mazel tov.

Oh, shut up.

What if somebody robs this place while we're in here?

People are always getting sh*t in liquor stores.

Do you think they sell Yoo-hoo here?

I'm kinda thirsty.

Yeah, Bill, why don't you ask the guy?

Maybe he can change your diaper too.

Hey, that was unnecessary.

We're out of pop rocks.

Uh, a keg of beer, please.

Don't see that happening.

Uh, no, we'd like non-alcoholic beer.

Oh, really? No.

Please? We really need it.

What for?

Oh, we're gonna switch the kegs at his sister's party.

[LAUGHS] Righteous.

Bill, put your jacket on it so, if someone drives by, they don't see it.

I hope we don't get caught.

Then hurry up!

Bill, push!

I-I am! I am!

She's in there. How are we gonna do this?

I'll distract her while you and Bill switch the kegs.

I'm tired of carrying this stupid keg.

Why don't you let me distract her?

I'm distracting her.

Come on. Hurry up.

I'm going in.

Hey, Lindsay.

What are you doing here?

Sam, Bill, and I are just hanging out.

Oh, please, allow me.

Thanks.

Come on, push.

I am pushing. It's heavy.

Careful. My foot!

Hey, it's your foot. You can watch it too, you know.

So, uh, what kind of music are you gonna play tonight?

You should play some Chicago.

They've got a really hot horn section.

Ha, I don't know.

I think I'm gonna play some Zeppelin, Foghat, hmm, maybe some Sabbath.

Friday night, always a good night for some Sabbath.

'Cause, you know, Friday is the Sabbath...

For the Jews.

Do you think Neal's okay in there?

He's having a terrific time.

Why?

-He's in love with your sister. -What?

Hey, Sam, what was that?

Uh, nothing. Bill fell.

Hey, don't you want to go play with those guys?

No. I like talking to you.

If Neal marries your sister, then he'd be your brother-in-law.

Then... then, if you had kids, uh, Neal would be their Uncle Neal.

And then I bet Lindsay's kids would look like Neal.

Bill, shut up. He doesn't love Lindsay.

That... that's not what he told me.

[BANG]

I think Bill's got an ear infection.

It's messing with his equilibrium.

[CLEARS THROAT] I think you need more M&M's.

Well, I don't have any more M&M's.

No, no, no, no, I saw some right over there.

Oh, no.

No, we don't have any more M&M's.

Now get out of my way.

What are you guys do...?

Uh, oh, hi. oh. It's...

No, Bill, it's okay.

Uh, Neal told me about your... your...

Well, help him, Sam. Give him something to wear.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

-Hi. -Hey.

-Hey. -Hey.

Come in.

Wow.

So, what do you think?

What do you think we are, hippies?

Shut up, man. I think it looks great.

Looks great.

Wow. Like that unicorn.

Well, my house is so boring looking.

So I just wanted to make it look more party-like.

Well, I'll tell you how to make it look more party-like.

Point me to the keg.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, it's in the corner.

Then I am in the corner.

Hey, don't be nervous.

This party's gonna be great.

Thanks.

Yeah, so this is the main room?

Yeah. Why?

Well, it's probably big enough, uh -

Yeah, word's getting around.

So, uh, you mind if I check out the rest?

Okay.

People are here.

All right, it's going down.

You're blocking the TV.

What do you think's gonna happen?

Well, hopefully everybody's gonna drink a bunch of fake beer, have to pee a lot, and go home 'cause they're bored.

This is genius.

It's my idea. I'm the genius.

All right, here's the plan.

Bill, you guard the keg.

Neal and I will patrol the party.

I'll keep an eye on Lindsay.

I'm the genius.

[LOUD ROCK 'N' ROLL]

-Hey. -What's up?

-Come on in. -How's it going?

♪ [SINGING] Na nana na, nana na, nana na

[GROANS] This beer sucks.

It taste weird to you?

Uh, it's imported.

Nothing's too good for our friends.

Daniel probably bought the cheap beer and kept the extra cash.

Definitely.

Pump it, you dork.

So I think if you look back, even, at "Song Remains the Same," for instance, he's dressed like a gangster, a-and then his head got sh*t off, right?

And all that multi-colored paint and stuff came out of his neck.

And I think what that means is that he knew even then that he was gonna die. What?

Uh, could you not sit on that, please?

It's glass.

Nah, Neal, no, you wouldn't want to trade places with me.

Believe me.

I don't know. I mean, I'm Jewish.

That's no cakewalk either.

I was elected school treasurer last year.

I didn't even run.

♪ [SINGING] Na nana na, nana na, nana na

♪ Hush, hush, I thought I heard her callin' my name now

♪ Hush, hush

♪ She broke my heart, but I love her just the same now Millie. Hi.

I saw all the cars out in front.

Yeah, well, we're all hanging out.

You missed a pop quiz in chemistry today.

I did? Really?

Yeah. Were you skipping out with your new friends?

Or should I call them "drinking buddies"?

Millie.

Why are you doing this, Lindsay?

You're asking for trouble.

Beer here!

Uh, no, thank you.

I prefer to get high on life.

[SNICKERS] Oh, whoa, whoa.

You're that chick from that thing yesterday.

Oh, hey, would you give me a ride home?

Yes, I would.

[SNICKERS] "Yes, I would."

Why is it so funny?

Look, Millie, I gotta get back to the party.

You want to stay?

Yes.

And I'm going to have more fun than any of you.

Sober.

[SCREECHING TIRES]

[MEN TALKING]

Uh, hi.

Can I help you?

No doubt.

[LAUGHTER]

We're friends of Daniel's.

We're looking for some beer.

Hey, Jimmy. [GIGGLING]

Hey, sweet thing. Wh - where's your boy?

Hopefully under a truck.

I dumped his ass.

Right on, man.

That makes you avallable.

-[LAUGHS] -No way, old man.

-[SCREAMS] -She's mine.

All mine.

[LAUGHTER]

Come on, boys. Let's go tear this mother down!

[WHOOPING]

Hello, ladies!

Who are those guys?

They're...

My guests.

♪ [ROCK AND ROLL MUSIC]

[BELCHES]

Oh, man, I gotta pee!

I'll consider that a forfeit.

Ow!

I am the lord of quarters.

-Oh, umm. -Oh, man!

Man, I've had five beers already.

I'm not even buzzed.

You're the man, man! I don't know what to say.

You're the man!

I haven't had any, and I'm salling.

I'm having more fun than any of you.

Excuse me.

Hey, wait a second, man. Aren't you a... a sober student?

I only did that because it looks good on my transcript for college.

All right!

Wait... wait till I'm ready. Wait till I'm ready.

-Wait till I'm... -Go!

I wasn't ready.

Hit me harder. Harder, man, come on!

Come on. Feel the steel.

Man, you're tickling me. Who's next?

All right, step right up, my big man.

Come on, right here.

[CHUCKLES]

Man, that was cool, man.

Are you sure we put out the right keg?

It's working better than we wanted.

They really think they're drunk.

You think so?

Look at them. They're wasted.

That's the placebo effect working for you, my friend.

Check out that guy.

What if they trash the place

'cause they think they're drunk?

They won't.

I don't think.

This could be bad.

♪ [ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

Hey, Daniel.

Hey.

Uh, well, what are you doing?

Oh, I'm just, uh, looking at all this stuff.

How old are you here?

It was... younger.

I-I-I was really geeky.

Yeah.

You win a lot, don't you?

-I guess. -Yeah.

But, you know, I've been meaning to put that in the basement.

"First place-algebra division"?

Oh, that's right. You're one of those, uh...

Mathletes.

Yeah, I know. It's...

Stupid. I don't do it anymore.

Why is it so stupid?

You look pretty happy there.

Hey, if I ever won a blue ribbon, I'd be so pumped.

I mean, uh, I wouldn't wear it around or nothing, but...

It's cool.

Thanks.

[PLAYING MUSIC]

[CHUCKLES] Oh. Oh, no!

That's that chick from the assembly, man.

♪ [SINGING] Jesus is just alright with me

♪ Jesus is just alright, oh, yeah

♪ Jesus is just alright with me

♪ Jesus is just alright...

Yeah.

BOTH: ♪ [SINGING] I don't care what they may say

♪ I don't care what they may do

♪ I don't care what they may say

♪ Jesus is just alright Come on! Come on, Let's do it.

Let's go.

BOTH: ♪ [SINGING] doo doo de do doo doo doo doo

♪ doo doo doo doo doo doo, oh, yeah...

-Hi, Ken. -Hey.

Do you guys like my sister?

Sure.

Well, then can you make sure that she doesn't get in too much trouble?

Okay.

Thanks.

Hey, which one's your sister?

She's not that chick who's singing, is she?

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

Careful. Careful, J.R. It's a trap.

-Hey, you want to go? -What?

I said, do you want to go?

I always want to go, grandpa.

You want to go?

You want to go?

Let's go, fat boy!

That was stupid, old man.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

All right, cool off, man. Not here.

All right, are we cool?

Whatever.

Hi, Sam.

Hi, Cindy.

I didn't know you were coming.

Yeah. Neal invited me.

Oh, this is my cousin Beth.

She's visiting from Boca Raton.

Oh, hi.

So where's the beer?

Uh, it - it's over there.

Don't worry. I'm the designated driver.

Good god.

Why did Neal invite her?

Now she's gonna see all the dumb stuff in my house.

His plan is to distract you, so he can hit on your sister.

Oh, man! He's so dead.

What am I gonna say to Cindy?

Don't say anything. Be dominant.

It's all... all about dominance.

I saw this monkey show on PBS.

If you talk to her first, it's a sign of weakness, and then she will not pick you to be her mate.

Are you drunk?

I think so. Yes, I am.

Oh, man! Go into my room, lock the door, and don't drink anymore.

That's very dominant.

Have you guys seen Daniel?

ALL: No.

Thanks for the dance.

Ow. Watch it, Romeo. You're on my hair.

Hey, we're busy here.

Uh, sorry.

Oh, hey, Lindsay.

[LAUGHS] Don't worry.

We threw your teddy bears on the floor.

Daniel and Kim are making out on my bed.

Oh.

I thought they broke up.

Yeah. I don't know. They break up, like, every week, you know, so...

Hey. hey...

You don't look like you're having very much fun.

Well, I'm not.

Hey, Lindsay, This is a party.

Okay? So will you please just, like, try to relax and have a good time, okay?

And when it's over, I'll stay and I'll help you clean up.

Thanks.

Oh, I'm so glad you're here.

Yeah, me too.

[LAUGHS] What are you doing?

Nothing.

Ew! Stop!

What are you doing?

I'm sorry. Oh, my god, I'm really sorry.

I'm really sorry.

What are you doing?

I'm really sorry.

I'm - I'm really wasted right now, you know.

John Bonham d*ed.

[SINGING] ♪ You like the credit cards

♪ and private planes

[DOOR OPENS]

Lindsay? Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.

I'll be out in a minute.

Sometimes it helps to talk to someone.

Well, I'm too drunk to talk.

No, that's okay. I speak drunk.

I'm so wasted, and I hate my life.

You shouldn't hate your life.

Why not? It sucks.

No, it doesn't.

You're a beautiful young girl.

The world is your oyster.

Please leave me alone.

No.

Why?

Because you're Sam's sister.

I'm so wasted.

I wish I never had this party.

Uh, that's all right. It's okay.

Everything will be okay.

Sam, right?

Have you, uh, seen your sister around anywhere?

No. Not recently.

Um, if you see her, could you just tell her that I'm really sorry?

Did you break something?

No.

Just forget it, okay?

ALL: Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go!

[GLASS BREAKS]

Oh, god. What is going on out there?

I didn't even want to have this party.

I only had it 'cause Daniel wanted it.

And next thing I know, he's making out on my bed with Kim.

It's typical.

All my new friends think I'm some goody two-shoes, and all my old friends think I'm throwing my life away.

What the hell am I supposed to do?

May I speak freely?

[SIGHS]

That Daniel guy, you can do better.

And, hey, at least people showed up to your party.

When I was in the sixth grade, my mom threw me a surprise party, You know what the surprise was?

Nobody showed up.

Except Bill and Sam.

[KNOCK AT DOOR]

Yeah?

Whosever in there, we need five bucks from everyone.

We're gonna get another keg.

Oh, my god.

Forget it, man. We just found 50 bucks.

Um, you've gotta do something.

I can't. If I go out there and kick everybody out, I am gonna look so lame.

Um, no, no, no. Why don't you call the police?

I mean, that's what my dad always does.

Oh, so they can come in and find the keg?

Not without a warrant.

No. No. I can't.

Oh, god. I can't handle any of this.

Of course you can. You're Lindsay Weir.

You can do anything.

You're smart and pretty.

You don't take any crap.

And you're the perfect girl, and I've been in love with you since I was five years old.

[SOBS]

Maybe I should call the cops.

Yes.

Okay.

Hi. Police, please.

Thank you.

Yes, hello, police?

Yes. Hi.

There's a very loud and annoying party going on next door.

It's just been going on forever.

I'm very tired, and I'm old, and I need my rest.

I've gotta work tomorrow.

Yes. It's 13 Nome Drive.

Thank you. Please hurry up. I'm so tired.

Done.

I'd say this party has a life expectancy of five minutes.

Thanks, Neal.

Hey, Sam.

Oh, hey, Cindy. I didn't see you there.

So, how's it going?

Pretty good.

So, uh, where are all the cute guys?

What, the bus hasn't arrived yet?

Oh, my god. The police are here.

[PEOPLE GROANING]

Come on, everybody out.

Look, do you want Lindsay to get in trouble?

I'm on parole.

Let's get out of here before they search the van.

You don't have to run, Ken. It's fake beer.

I know.

I won 87 bucks playing quarters.

This party ruled.

Oh, hey, Lindsay.

Great party.

We had a great time.

Glad you had a good time.

I knew you had it in you.

Let's get out of here.

You were a wonderful hostess.

Have us back again soon.

Should've hired a magician.

[MOANS]

Hey, Bill, get up.

[MOANS]

That's how the drummer from Led Zeppelin d*ed.

Did he?

Good night, Lindsay.

[MOANS]