01x10 - The Diary

[bunniefuu]

Nice muffler!

We should definitely be getting a ride.

Right here is the best spot.

This is cool.

Hitchhiking.

It's like in Kerouac, you know?

Kerouac?

Jack Kerouac.

He wrote "On the Road."

Kim, we've been reading it in English class for the last two weeks. Where've you been?

All we ever do in that class is read.

Ooh, ooh, ooh! Stick out your thumb, would ya?

We're so sheltered, you know?

There's this whole other America out there.

And the person who picks us up could be an artist or a psychic or an escaped felon.

It's so exciting.

Okay, one thing that helps...

Point your boobs towards the road.

Redneck!

Oops, I mean, cool guy. Come on!

♪ [SINGING] Come along if you care

♪ Come along if you dare Hey. Drop us as close to the corner of Wilson and Elm as you can.

Hi, I'm Lindsay.

This is Kim.

So are you from around these parts?

1210 Lilac Terrace.

Oh.

So what do you do?

You pick up hitchhikers a lot?

Listen, I know you.

I buy gear from your dad's store.

And I don't think you girls should be doin' this, and I feel obliged to tell him what you're up to.

♪ [SINGING] I don't give a damn 'bout my reputation

♪ Livin' in the past, it's a new generation

♪ A girl can do what she wants to do

♪ and that's what I'm gonna do

♪ And I don't give a damn 'bout my bad reputation

♪ Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no

♪ Not me

♪ Whah! No!

♪ No, no, no, no, no, no, no

♪ Not me

♪ me, me, me, me

♪ I don't give a damn 'bout my reputation

♪ I've never been afraid of any deviation

♪ And I don't really care if you think I'm strange

♪ I ain't gonna change

♪ And I'm never gonna care 'bout my bad reputation

♪ Not me!

This... the thumb?

You think I don't know what that means?

I know, Lindsay.

It means, "hey, stranger", "please lock me in your car, drive me to God knows where, and m*rder me."

Dad, you're overreacting.

Lindsay, I will not have my daughter hopping into cars like some woman of the night.

You could have been picked up by Ted Bundy.

Dad, Kim does it all the time.

Don't be so over dramatic.

What, her parents let her hitchhike?

Oh, I don't know.

I bet she doesn't even have parents.

Of course she does, Dad.

Mom, you talked to her mom on the phone.

Well, maybe we should meet her.

I used to know all your friends' parents.

You know...

We should invite her over for dinner.

Get acquainted.

Yeah.

Mom, no. Please?

Yeah, well, I think she oughta know what a bad influence her daughter is, don't you?

All right, guys, Let's play a little softball.

Pick your team, gents.

Oh, man, here we go.

I've got Lewis. Yeah.

Got Humphries.

Uh, Heathcliff.

-Shawn! -Pick me.

Give me Richie.

Um, Jeremy.

-Pick me, pick me. -Give me Nathan.

Winnington.

No... he sucks.

Mike.

-I'm good. -Justin.

Henry.

Okay, White.

Yeah!

All right, divvy 'em up. Let's go.

-Come on. -Let's go.

♪ [SINGING] There is no language in our lives

♪ To tell the world

♪ Just how we feel

♪ No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no

♪ Bridge of thoughts

♪ No mental link

♪ No letting out

♪ To start to think

♪ There is no language in our lives

♪ Lives, lives, lives

♪ There is no muscle in our tongues

♪ Tongues, tongues, ♪ tongues

-Hey. -[QUIETLY] Hey.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Hey, Nick.

How's it goin'?

[BELL RINGS]

It's goin'.

Great.

Yeah.

It is great.

It's never been greater.

Hey.

Hey, Kim.

So... what happened with your parents?

You, like, grounded?

Oh, not exactly.

My parents wanna meet your mom.

What?

Yeah, they wanna get to know her.

Shut up.

No, I'm serious.

They're inviting her over for dinner.

Could you be quiet, please?

Class is starting.

Today... we are not in a classroom.

We are in a coffeehouse.

And you are not students.

You are b*at poets.

And we're gonna be reading aloud.

Hey, batta batta batta.

Swing, batta batta batta.

Miss! Batta Could you be quiet, please?

You know, I'm really a shortstop.

Is that so?

Hey, they got a meeting on the mound.

I wonder what they're talkin' about.

Yeah...

Must be fascinating.

I hate this.

This is so unfair.

Maybe I'm good.

They don't know.

Maybe I'm unbelievably good.

But are they ever gonna find out?

Uhuh. No.

'Cause they never put me in a position where I can... where I could catch a stupid ball.

I hate them.

Maybe they're scared of you.

Come on, ladies.

Maybe.

[WHISTLING] Hey, Chuck!

Look alive out there! Come on!

Let's play some ball.

Oh! Wait.

All the teachers' numbers are there?

Yeah.

Ooh.

Phone.

Think we could be arrested for making prank calls?

Yeah.

And we'll get sent to telephone prison.

Oh. Ha, ha.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Hello?

[CLEARS THROAT] Hello? Coach Fredericks?

Yes.

This is Mr. Crisp.

Gordon Crisp's father.

Mr. Crisp?

Uh, how are you?

Not good. I want to give you a piece of my mind.

I think it's very unfair The way you've been running baseball in gym class.

You always let the jock kids run the game.

Now, some kids like Gordon, my son, never, never get a chance

'cause you guys think he's not very good.

For example, he may wanna play shortstop, but, yeah, you never give him a sh*t.

Look, I'm sorry, but, uh, you know, I always assumed Gordon, uh, didn't have any interest in sports.

You know what I'm sayin'?

Well, he does.

Don't judge a book by its cover.

Oh, I..I..I, uh, I apologize. All right?

I'll rectify the situation immediately.

Okay, then. Thank you very much.

Goodbye now.

All right, bye.

Gordon Crisp!

I did it.

What did he say?

He totally bought it.

He called me Mr. Crisp and everything.

Fellas, I just changed our lives.

Oh, great.

Now we're gonna have to actually play baseball.

Thanks a lot, Bill.

I can't wait till tomorrow.

You have such a lovely house.

Thank you.

I had a beautiful house once.

Oh, yeah. Over on Maple Drive.

Mm.

Then Kim's father left me with two kids and a huge mortgage and, well...

That's life, huh?

I can't imagine how difficult it must be to raise children by yourself.

Oh, it isn't easy.

Chip, my oldest, oh, he's a doll.

He's got water in his brain, but, oh, he's a sweet kid.

Kim, she's another story.

Yeah, tell us about Kim.

Well, she ain't the sharpest crayon in the box.

She's a big pain in the neck.

And I know she hates me for being strict...

I get worried.

Of course you do.

Because I don't know what she's doin' out there.

She lies.

These girls today, they all lie.

She says to me...

Mmhmm.

"I'm gonna go study at the library."

She goes to a party. She gets loaded.

She says she's seein' a movie...

She's foolin' around with some guy in the back of a van.

Oh, my.

Want to know how I find out?

How?

I read her diary.

I sneak into her room, and I read it.

Oh, she won't do her homework, but she got a freakin' novel in there.

I have to.

It's the only way I get the truth.

And you wanna know somethin'?

The truth is very scary.

Because times have changed.

These girls today...

Oh, they run wild.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Hey.

So how was dinner?

Lindsay, your mother and I don't want you spending any more time with Kim Kelly.

Do you understand?

No, Dad, she's my friend.

I mean, yes, she's not like Millie, but...

No, she's not like Millie all right.

She's as dumb as a crayon.

Even her own mother says so.

Dad, just because Kim's mother is insane...

No, she's not insane, honey, she's practically a saint.

Lindsay, do you know what happens when you put a rotten banana in a fruit bowl?

All the other bananas go rotten.

And that's what Kim Kelly is. A bad banana.

Mrs. Kelly had some pretty alarming things to tell us about Kim.

Like what?

That she experiments.

With dr*gs!

And boys!

Is that true, honey?

Enough said.

Now, no more Kim Kelly!

You know, maybe she needs her head shrunk.

Harold...

It's about trust, and frankly...

I don't think I trust her anymore.

Lindsay's always been very honest with us.

Yeah.

Well, she told us she didn't cheat.

We believed her.

We ended up with egg on our faces.

Does Lindsay have a diary?

Yeah. I think I've seen her writing in it.

Harold, no!

That is her private property.

I just wanna know what's going on.

I had a diary when I was little.

If my parents had read it, I would've been furious.

It's such a violation.

Spooning with a stranger in the backseat of a van, that's a violation!

She hasn't done that.

There's only one way to know for sure.

Good night, dear.

Good night.

Oy, I got the worst gas.

Please don't.

All right, I want Crisp.

You heard him, Crisp, come on.

Join your team.

You wanna play shortstop?

No. No, I like playing backup right.

You sure?

Yeah, I like playing backup.

I can play shortstop.

Yeah. And, uh, I'm married to Raquel Welch.

In my dreams.

Phillips, your pick.

All right, I'm gonna take, uh, not Haverchuck.

Heh, heh. Funny.

Hey!

Hey, Kim.

So my mom, like, loved your parents.

Guess it went all right.

Yeah, I guess.

What did your parents say?

Oh, they really liked your mom.

Cool. You know, I'm glad it worked out.

And they also said...

Oh, they're such dorks.

Get this.

I'm not allowed to hang out with you.

I mean, it'll blow over.

We've just got to wait it out a while, you know?

Yeah.

Well, what did they say about me?

I don't know.

No, you can tell me.

I'm interested.

He said you're a bad banana.

Aren't they q*eer?

Yeah, what does that mean, you know?

I don't know. I guess like a bad influence.

Well, what else did they say about me?

Tell me!

[BELL RINGS]

Kim, I don't know.

You're not smart, you do dr*gs, you have sex...

Stupid stuff like that.

My parents are morons, Kim.

Wait. You don't actually think that I care about what your parents think of me, do you?

No. Of course not.

No.

Lindsay!

Mueve tu cola.

Uh, just a minute.

En Español.

Lo siento, Señor O'hara, pero esta hablando con mi amiga.

Es importante.

La clase es importante tambien.

Yo se, pero puede esperar un momento por favor.

Kim!

Señorita, ahora.

What?

Well, I'll talk to you later, right?

Yeah. Sure.

Lindsay?

Lindsay?

Why do you keep calling her name?

She's in school, for God's sake.

My heart is racing, Harold.

I don't think we should be doing this.

Well, look, Jean, we wanna find out what's going on in our daughter's life, don't we?

I mean, for all we know, she could become a junkie or a hooker!

Harold, she is not gonna become a hooker.

Well, everybody's got parents, Jean.

Even hookers.

Remember that TV movie we saw?

Shh. Hurry up.

These stamps...

I heard the kids put LSD on the back of them.

"Are You There, God? It's Me, Margaret."

What?

Oh, just the name of a book.

Aha! Birth control pills.

Our little daughter with a...

Sewing kit.

-[WHISPERING] Harold... -What?

Here it is.

You got it?

Well, come on. Break it out.

Maybe we should do this later.

Now, Jean, look...

My lunch hour's almost over.

The store's not gonna run itself.

-Come on, let's go. -Shh, shh.

"Warning to all snoops! Do not read beyond this page.

"If you read on, "it's because you have no life and nothing better to do

"than to pry into mine.

"Anyone who keeps reading on is cursed and will suffer until they die a slow and painful death."

Ooh!

Real scared. Read on!

What's it say about Kim Kelly?

Oh, nothing.

Just that she thinks Kim has, uh...

-What? -Well, uh, uh...

A different word for courage.

Not... oh.

Well, does it say anything about dr*gs?

Pot? Acid?

I don't think so.

Well, what does it say?

Oh, here, here. "I'm... I'm sick of living in this claustrophobic suburban world..."

Oh, get used to it.

"Where everyone is trying to fit in.

"I feel like I live in a world of scared robots.

"Honestly, this is terrible, but two of the worst ones are Mom and Dad."

What? What does that mean?

"They are the most boring, repressed people on the face of the entire earth."

Repressed? I'll repress her.

"They say they love each other, but who knows?

"It's probably just part of their routine.

Anyway, can robots really be in love?"

Harold, I - I don't think we should be reading this.

Yeah, yeah, keep reading.

Let's see...

"Their whole life is this monotonous routine.

"She cooks dinner, "practically the same meal every night.

"He comes home barking at everyone like a fascist dictator who's scared his..." [CHUCKLES]

What?

"Who's scared his penis will fall off

"if he ever helped clear the table.

"And she lets him walk all over her.

"I love them, but it's not the life for me.

No, thank you."

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

I'll get it in the other room.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

The worst would be getting eaten alive by wolves from the feet up.

Uhuh. No.

It'd be worse if you were, like, a deep sea diver and you came up too quick, and your head, like, exploded.

-Oh, yeah, that's worse. -Lot of pressure.

You know, you guys are really morbid.

Kim, you asked the question.

Yeah, but I didn't think we'd be talking about it for half an hour.

Hey, guys.

Hey.

I gotta, uh...

Go to shop class.

I also told Ken I'd meet him there.

Yeah... you know, come to think of it...

I should probably get going too.

'Cause I gotta go...

You know, do dr*gs...

Oh, yeah, and have sex.

What?

Lindsay knows what I'm talking about.

Oh...

Is this about what my parents said?

[SCOFFS] You know what, I told you, Lindsay, I don't give what your parents say about me.

Well, why are you so mad?

Well, I do give what my friends say about me.

I didn't say anything.

Wow, you sure know how to clear a room.

Is this the best cereal you've got?

I don't know.

I never eat breakfast.

I just have my coffee.

Before or after you shave?

Don't you have any sugar cereals?

Not in this house. Rots the choppers.

Hey, Dad.

Oh, hey, Dr. Schweiber.

Sam, Bill.

Got your shoes off?

Good.

So you guys got big plans for the afternoon?

Not really.

We're gonna make some phone calls.

Ixnay igbay outhmay.

Hey hey hey!

I speak Pig Latin too, you know?

Who you guys gonna call?

Mean people.

Oh. Prank calls, huh?

Oh, well. Boys will be boys.

[CHUCKLING] I could tell you some great prank call stories.

Really?

All right.

Just one.

We used to pick out a number, and we'd call it over and over and over again.

We'd keep asking for Maurice, you know?

We'd call and say, "Hello, is Maurice there?

"Hello, is Maurice there?

Hey, is Maurice at home?"

You got the idea? We'd call for Maurice a lot.

We'd call back an hour later and go, "Hello.

This is Maurice. Any messages?"

Anyway...

Just keep it clean, all right?

-No heavy breathing. -Okay.

-See you later, short stuff. -Okay.

Heavy breathing. That's a good idea.

Hey, I thought your dad worked during the day.

Mm. Sometimes he comes home to change his shirt.

Root canals make him sweaty.

Listen to this. This is gonna be good.

[CLEARS THROAT]

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Hello? Fredricks?

You're a turd. A stinky, fat turd.

Go sniff a jockstrap, you poophead.

You love patting boys' butts.

You love patting boys' butts.

Butt... You butt patter.

You're a perv and a loser...

And a stinky... turd.

Who was that?

It's, uh, an old friend.

Oh ho.

Oh, you better hope he doesn't find you out.

You know, if the cops trace that...

You're so dead.

No, if the cops trace the call, you're dead.

Who does she think she is anyway?

I don't know.

Let's talk about it for four more hours and try to find out.

Oh! And you should've heard her speaking Spanish.

"Un moment, un moment. Kim, Kim!"

Oh, that sounds terrible.

Yeah.

She thinks she's the queen of England or something.

Hmm.

Oh, man!

Daniel, will you get me a stick?

I'm gonna k*ll that dog!

Gross.

I mean, who are they, you know?

The great Weirs to call me a whore and a drug addict?

Well, they didn't actually call you a whore and a drug addict.

Well, basically, they did.

And... I'm not just some whore, you know?

They just can't take it that I have sex, you know?

They're afraid some bad man's gonna come along and soil their perfect little daughter.

Well, you do have sex.

Well, yeah. With you.

Yeah, and I'm a bad man.

What the hell is that supposed to mean?

I don't know.

If I had some daughter in high school, I wouldn't want some guy crawlin' all over her.

What the hell are you talking about?

I'm just saying it's not like they don't have a point.

I mean, who wants their kid to have sex and do dr*gs?

Nobody.

You're a jerk.

Hey, don't get mad at me.

I'm just tryin' to be rational.

Are you calling me irrational?

Because I'll tear your head off, Daniel.

I'll tear it off, and I'll throw it over that fence.

Hey.

I'm not saying I don't love you.

I like the way you are.

You probably just scare the hell out of them.

Oh. And how am I?

You... are a sex crazed drug addict.

Screw you!

Hey, come on.

I didn't mean nothin'.

I'm just tryin' to spice up the conversation.

Sam, you getting a kickback from the fire department?

No, Mom was the one who put the candles on the table.

Okay. I've got something special for us tonight.

Tada!

What the hell?

Uh, Harold, they're Cornish game hen with a plum wine sauce.

They're fantastic.

What'd you do, put poison in a bird feeder?

They're exotic.

Is it a pigeon?

It is not a pigeon.

It's a kind of a chicken.

Jean, you know we can afford to buy fully grown chickens.

That a girl, Lindsay.

It's good to try new things.

Lindsay, watch out!

That little miniature bird of yours is trying to escape!

But don't worry!

My little chicken will help him

'cause I'm a brave little chicken!

I'm the hero, am I not?

Yes! Is that right?

That's right.

Follow me! We will go! Let's take off! Whoa!

Whoo! Whoo!

Hey, Mom, Dad's playing with his food.

Well, it's better than eating it.

Just try it.

They're delicious.

Help yourself to mine.

I'm gonna go make a sandwich.

Yeah, me too.

Sit down.

Harold, if you're not gonna eat, help clear the table.

What?

That's not my job.

Oh, but it's mine?

Yes. You don't run a store for 12 hours a day.

All right, settle down.

Don't bother changing yet.

Oh, great. Scoliosis testing again.

Shut it.

I've got something serious to say.

I've been getting prank phone calls at my house.

Now, I know I got a lot of jokers here, a lot of funny guys. Let me tell you something.

What you're doing is not funny.

It's annoying.

More importantly, it's illegal.

So I want every one of you comedians in my office one at a time.

Let's go.

Smooth move, Alexander Graham Bell.

Read it.

Ahem.

"You... are a turd.

A stinky turd."

"Go sniff a jockstrap, you poophead."

"Hey, Fredricks, you love patting boys' butts.

You love patting boys' butts."

You are a dimwit and an imbecile.

I blow my nose in your general direction.

That's not in there.

It isn't?

"Hey, Fredricks, "you love patting boys' butts.

"You love patting boys' butts.

Butt, butt... patter."

Start it again. Make it lower.

"Hey, Fredricks, you love patting boys' butts."

Ha, ha, ha, ha!

"You're a perv...

"and a loser...

And a turd."

"Go snik a... go sniff..."

-Sniff? -Sniff.

"A jockstrap, you poophead."

"You are a turd, "A stinky turd.

Go sniff a jockstrap, you poophead."

Jeez, coach, this is harsh.

Ha, ha, ha, ha!

[IMITATING WILLIAM SHATNER] "You're a perv and a loser and a turd."

You know what? Why don't you do a Spock?

All right? Go ahead. Do Leonard Nimoy.

Ahem.

Low.

Speak low.

"You're a, you're a perv...

"and a loser...

And a... turd."

Okay, I've heard enough.

So... you think you're a comedian, hmm?

Why don't you tell me a joke?

A... A joke?

Mmhmm.

Come on. Gimme something to make me laugh.

I don't know.

Okay. A guy goes into a bar with a pig with a wooden leg.

Stifle.

See, I don't think we share a similar sense of humor.

I didn't do it to be funny.

Yeah?

So you did it to, uh, to what?

To be educational?

It's not fair.

Okay, you don't understand.

It's not like anyone forgets who gets picked last.

I've always been picked last.

Everyone knows. Girls know.

And the thing is, I might not be bad.

I never get better because I'm never given the chance.

But I could be good.

You know, I mean, I know I could be good.

But it's not my fault you get picked last.

Yes, it is.

I mean, you've got all the power.

You could change everything.

And how would I do that?

Simple.

Let me pick the teams.

Hey, Lindsay...

I can't take it anymore.

You gotta talk to Kim.

Why? Does she wanna talk to me?

I don't know, but you gotta do something.

She's driving me nuts.

She's bitching nonstop about her mom, you, your parents.

I'm dying.

Why is she going so crazy?

She says you didn't stick up for her.

I tried.

She's still mad.

I know, but mostly just her feelings are hurt.

Oh, really?

Hmm.

Thought Kim was too tough to have her feelings hurt.

Yeah, right.

Kim?

She's like the rawest nerve there is.

Yeah. she's like a body without skin.

She's like a bloody...

Okay! I get it.

Can you do it soon?

'Cause she's really being a pain in my ass.

Yeah, okay.

Great. I owe you my life.

Thanks.

All right!

Haverchuck here is one of our captains today.

Hey, shouldn't the team captain actually know how to play baseball?

Don't question me, people, okay?

Who's the other captain?

Gordon Crisp.

Gordon Crisp it is.

Come on.

Okay. Who should I pick first?

I need a power hitter who can hustle in the field, with a strong arm.

Gimme Weir.

Come on, Weir.

Yes! Ha, ha, ha!

Ha, ha, ha!

-Gimme Lewis. -Okay.

Um...

Now, we need a little speed around the base pads.

Uh, Schweiber. Come on, Schweiber.

Yes!

Yeah!

Yeah, yeah! All right!

Oh, man, the geeks have inherited the earth.

Today we are going to continue our discussion of "On the Road."

Ms. Proetzel's comments last time about pioneer symbolism were particularly interesting.

Ms. Kelly, I am sure that you have some original insights.

Tell me, what, in your opinion, is the theme of "On the Road"?

The theme... of "On the Road" is...

The theme's about...

The theme is...

America...

And...

Being...

On the road.

"On the Road" is about being on the road.

[LAUGHTER]

That's good. That's good.

You... go on.

I hated the book, all right?

I have no idea what it's about, and the writer was clearly on dr*gs when he wrote it.

I mean, it just, it went on and on and on, like it was written in a total hurry.

If I handed in something like this, there's no way I'd get a good grade on it.

I mean, it's boring, and it's unorganized, and I only read 30 pages of it anyway.

Well, that was passionate, albeit entirely misinformed.

Who dares follow Ms. Kelly's lucid analysis, hmm?

Yes.

Well, I think Kim's right.

Kerouac was high on Benzedrine during the three weeks he took to write "On the Road."

The structure of the story isn't strong, and his experiments with prose style are tedious.

In fact, Truman Capote said about "On the Road,"

"That isn't writing. It's typing."

Pearls before swine.

What the hell does that mean?

[LAUGHTER]

Hey, man, sure had a lot of fun with your wife last night.

My what?

Ball four. Take your base.

I mean, a lot of fun!

What's the matter with you?

Are you hurt?

Um... time!

All right, time out!

What? I told you I couldn't pitch.

It's not about your pitching, Sam.

Then what are you doing out here?

I just always wanted to call a meeting on the mound.

This is so cool.

Hey.

Meeting on the mound?

Very cool.

Listen, Bill, I've got nothing left.

Why don't you just let one of those jocks pitch?

What are you talking about?

This is our game.

We can do this.

I don't want them to think they were right for putting me in deep right field for 11 years.

Come on!

Come on.

He's the butt patter.

Ugh!

[THEME FROM "ROCKY" PLAYING]

[LAUGHTER]

Yeah! Ha, ha, ha!

Tag up!

We did it! We did it, yeah!

Tag up!

That's the first out, you morons!

-Huh? -Oh.

Well...

Only 8 ⅔ more innings to go.

Yeah!

Ha, ha!

You see that? I looked like Willie Mays!

Hey, Kim, Kim.

Kim!

Yeah?

Can I talk to you for a minute?

What do you want?

What are you doing right now?

Nothing.

Do you wanna come over to my house?

I thought we could hang out.

Well, what about your parents?

What about them?

Daniel, I'll see you later.

I'm gonna go over to Lindsay's.

Okay. Later.

God, this is good.

I swear to God, another day of hanging out with him, and I'd puke my guts out.

Swear to God.

Jean, is the grocery store out of normal food?

Is that the problem?

This is normal food.

No. Normal food is pot roast.

Normal food is meat loaf.

It is dead animal, and it is not on fire.

No! No! No, no!

Maybe some of us are up for something a little different around here.

Don't you wanna live life, Harold?

Or maybe you've just turned into a mean, old man.

[SOBBING]

Don't you run away from me!

What's wrong with us, Harold?

What's happened to us?

We need change, don't we?

Things need to change.

I don't want us to just be robots.

We are not robots, and things do not need to change.

I like how things are.

I like eating the same things.

And you know why?

Because those are the things I like.

I like chicken, and I like pot roast.

And that's how I feel about you, Jean.

Oh, please.

You like me like you like a pot roast?

I love pot roast!

God, you just don't get it, do you?

I give up! I quit!

Is that right?

Yes! You don't appreciate me.

Maybe I'll go back to school.

What about that?

You think I don't appreciate you?

Well, I do.

Everything I do, I do to serve you.

I think of you when I'm...

Stocking fishing poles, and...

I think of you when I'm answering questions about cross-country ski wax.

My whole life is about serving you.

And I love you, Jean.

Thank you.

You mean it?

Mom, Dad, we're home.

Ooh.

Is this what's for dinner?

Ugh.

Mom?

Mom?

Mom? Dad?

[JEAN GIGGLING, HAROLD GROWLING]

Eww!

Oh, god. Let's get outta here.

Neal!

Those are my parents!

Okay, okay.

God, you're gross.

What?

Hey, Linds I know what you're trying to do, but, you know, we don't have to do this.

No.

I want to.

All right, but if they call the cops on me, I'm outta here.

Hey, Lindsay.

I was catcher in gym class today.

That's great, Neal.

Where's Mom and Dad?

In their room.

Yeah, they've been in there for over an hour.

Are they fighting?

No.

Oh! Hi, sweetie!

Hi, Mom.

Uh, I think we're gonna order food in tonight, So maybe you could call a pizza place and have them deliver.

Jean!

Hey, Dad...

Kim's here.

She gave me a ride home from school.

Hi, Mr. Weir.

Nice to see you, Kim.

Thanks for giving Lindsay a ride home.

Jean, could I have a word with you, please?

Yeah. Your father and I are gonna be in our room, so let us know when the food gets here.

And you kids play nice now, you hear?

[SQUEALS]

Oh, my god.

Lindsay...

Your parents are swingers.

Ugh.