01x15 - Noshing and Moshing

[bunniefuu]

ANNOUNCER: Previously on "Freaks and Geeks"...

[SCOFFS] Dr. Schweiber?

Sam saw your dad hugging a lady at the mall last night.

This clicker isn't for our garage door.

Maybe your dad has a secret love nest.

["SPACE FUNK" PLAYING]

Bill, that is not sexy.

Yes, it is.

Bill, it looks like you're having a seizure.

Women love this.

They don't care that Rerun's fat

'cause he's got the moves.

Come on. You guys get up here.

Try it.

Sam, come on, shake it.

You won't break it.

Okay.

[MUSIC STOPS]

You cut me off mid-funk.

Look, Neal, you always want to impress the ladies.

This is how you do it.

That's never impressed the ladies.

It's 'cause I haven't done it in front of the ladies.

Look, if I had, I'd be fighting 'em off with a stick.

Guys, let's get serious.

That is not going to impress the women.

Trust me.

Okay, and you know what will, don't you?

As a matter of fact, I do.

I've discovered something that will change our lives.

It'll bring us power, respect, and money, and it's right here in the suitcase.

What is it?

You sure You want to know?

Ha, ha!

Yes, so open it up.

Think you can handle it?

Yeah. Open it.

Gentlemen...

Say hello to Morty.

Hi, dummies.

♪ [SINGING] I don't give a damn 'bout my reputation

♪ Livin' in the past, it's a new generation

♪ A girl can do what she wants to do

♪ and that's what I'm gonna do

♪ And I don't give a damn 'bout my bad reputation

♪ Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no

♪ Not me me, me, me, me

♪ Whah! No! No, no, no, no, no, no, no

♪ Not me me, me, me, me

♪ I don't give a damn 'bout my reputation

♪ I've never been afraid of any deviation

♪ And I don't really care if you think I'm strange

♪ I ain't gonna change

♪ And I'm never gonna care 'bout my bad reputation

♪ Not me!

Is that, uh, is that Jenna Zank?

-Oh, yeah. -Yeah.

Yeah, didn't she drop out?

Yeah.

Why would you drop out and stay in Chippewa?

That's crazy.

She used to be so hot.

Yeah.

She still is.

Yeah, if you like clowns.

Clowns.

By the way, I got a late RSVP from Jim Narotsky.

He and Liz are coming.

Are there any more?

'Cause you keep adding on like this, I'm gonna have to get more food.

Lillian, we've had this party every year now for ten years, and we've never run out of food, not even come close.

Honey, do you want to tell your dad about your history test?

Well, that doesn't sound good.

I got a "D."

"D"? What, did you even get your name right at least?

What happened?

I... I don't know. I guess I studied wrong.

Honey, this is a few grades like this.

Do you think that maybe...

Morty is distracting you a little bit from your studies?

It's not the ventriloquism.

Hey, we're just trying to talk here, buddy.

We just want to make sure you're all right.

I... I'm sorry. I had a couple of bad tests.

I'll do better. I promise.

All we ask is that you try your hardest.

I will.

May I be excused? Willie Tyler and Lester are on the "Hollywood Squares" this week.

I gotta watch.

Sure.

Harold, we have to go or the Schweibers will be offended.

We missed it last year.

We didn't miss anything.

It's the same party year after year.

It's smarmy.

What kind of doctor invites his patients over to listen to his dental jokes?

It's sick.

Honey, we have to go.

Mom, I don't have to go, do I?

I don't see why you should get out of it.

He's your dentist too.

Fine. I'll switch dentists.

Say, that's an idea.

Harold, you are acting like a child.

Now, we're going.

Lindsay, you don't have to go.

Yes.

Hey, Neal, can I put my history book in your locker until after next period?

I don't have a lot of extra room.

Aah!

Okay, now you're bringing the dummy to school with you?

Hey, it's called a figure, not a dummy.

A dummy is someone who calls it one.

Oh, is it?

No, don't take it out.

Relax. It's just Morty, Bill.

Yeah, you got a problem?

Tell it not to talk to me.

Oh, bet you want a piece of me, huh, Stretch?

Shut up already.

Sorry.

Just need time to rehearse.

My brother's coming home this weekend, so I won't have much time then.

What are you rehearsing for?

Is there some sort of a talent show or something?

For life.

I'm taking control.

I know I can't depend on my crazy parents anymore.

Who knows? I can make big bucks with this.

I doubt it.

I mean, ventriloquism isn't funny.

Perhaps you've never seen a little show called "Soap."

That guy's hilarious.

I know he's rich, thanks to ventriloquism.

When Barry comes home this weekend, I think I'm gonna tell him about our dad.

-What, about that woman? -Mm hmm.

You think that's a good idea?

Well, I have to tell him. He's my brother.

Daniel! Daniel, you come back here.

I need you to run to the drug store and pick up your father's prescriptions.

I can't, Ma. I got to go to music.

You know I can't leave him alone.

He might fall.

Well, why don't you call Joey?

-He's not working. -Oh, yeah.

Trust your brother with those painkillers?

Never again.

All right, fine. I'll go after school, but I gotta go. I can't get any more tardies.

It cannot wait. Your father's in pain.

I need you to do this now.

What do you want me to do? I'm in high school.

Oh, yeah, when it's convenient for you, you are.

You're 18. You're going to be the oldest junior in Michigan.

What do you want me to do?

You want me to drop out?

I can bring us home a big whopping 2.50 an hour.

You know I wouldn't turn that down.

Hey, come on, Daniel. What am I supposed to do here?

What do you mean, what are you supposed to do?

You're supposed to go inside, take care of him.

I'm supposed to go to school.

It's called Wednesday.

Where you goin'?

I'm gonna get the stupid pills.

Hey, Desario!

What?

I've been waiting for you.

Where the hell were you this morning?

You have my notes.

Oh, I was held up.

Well, thanks a lot.

I falled a test because of you.

What are you talking about?

It was an open notes test.

I left my bag in your car last night.

Oh, so it's my fault that you left your bag in my car?

No. It's your fault that you're the most unreliable guy on the face of the planet.

Well, you're certainly reliable.

You're always a bitch.

You know what, Daniel?

Why don't you enjoy spending the rest of your life alone?

Uh, Neal, I don't see your report here.

I... I did it.

Where is it?

In my mind.

[STUDENTS LAUGH]

[LAUGHS]

I didn't want to write it down because I didn't want to k*ll a tree.

Did you know that our rainforests are disappearing?

-Neal. -Hector.

All right, that's it.

You just bought yourself a ticket to the principal's office.

You mean, to see Jerry? I love that guy.

He owes me money!

Put me down!

Put me down!

Come on. You know you love me!

You're crushing my ribs!

Put her down.

What? We're just having some fun.

No, I'm not. Put me down.

I said put her down!

Ow!

That hurt, you burnout.

Yeah, well, it's supposed to hurt, you jerk.

Hey! Miss Weir...

Leave me alone.

We don't hit people here at McKinley.

Yeah, what's your problem?

I think she's high, man.

She went crazy on me.

He wouldn't put her down.

We were just messing around.

Ay!

All right, that's it.

The two of you can work it out this afternoon in detention.

What?

Burnout!

Mr. Botwinick, I was just trying to help her.

She looks like she can take care of herself.

Sorry, friend.

Picked up a little bug the other night.

Long story.

Look, Mr. Rosso, I'm really sorry I mouthed off in class.

I'll apologize to Mr. Lacovara. I promise.

It'll never happen again.

Neal, have a seat.

Here's what I see.

A kid whose grades have taken a sudden tumble, and for the first time, starting to get into trouble.

Now, in my business, we call those warning signs.

I'm here to help you, but I can't help you if you won't talk to me.

Really, Mr. Rosso, everything's fine.

Neal, sometimes we like to say that everything's fine because, really, things aren't fine.

Everything's fine.

I've had kids lying to me since before you were born.

You're new to it, and you're not that good at it.

Come on.

Okay.

You want me to talk? You think it'll help?

Fine.

My father is a womanizer.

He's cheating on my mother, and she has no clue, and I have to decide whether or not to tell her.

Daniel, your father's trying to steep.

All right, I'll be quiet.

[WHISPERING] He's always trying to sleep.

[BLACK FLAG'S "RISE ABOVE" PLAYS]

♪ [SINGING] Jealous cowards try to control

♪ Rise above, we're gonna rise above

♪ They distort what we say

♪ Rise above, we're gonna rise above

♪ Try to stop what we do

♪ Rise above, we're gonna rise above

♪ When they can't do it themselves

♪ Rise above, we're gonna rise above

♪ We are tired of your abuse

Uh, what are you doing, Miss Weir?

What? I'm doing my homework.

That's not allowed in here.

What?

This is detention.

The point is to think about what you've done.

What?

Why would you want to keep these people from studying?

I mean, isn't that the point?

You can't do schoolwork at school?

It's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.

Teachers just quarantine bad kids and make them sit and stare into space until their brains get numb?

You're manufacturing idiots.

What kind of system is this?

I'm doing my homework.

Uh, no, you're not, Miss Weir.

Put the books away, and you know what?

You're not doing your homework tomorrow afternoon when you come in here too.

What? That's insane.

And you're not doing your homework Friday when you come in here.

Ha!

Botwinick's an idiot.

Seidelman's an idiot.

This school turns people into idiots.

It's this school.

I hate this school.

I broke up with Daniel.

Really?

Yeah.

Well, that's a good thing, right?

Yeah, I guess.

Ooh. Then congratulations.

Thank you.

Ha. This food is fit for a king.

Here, King. Here, King.

Hey, honey.

What do you say I ditch this chump and you and me get out of here?

Sam, do you see another table open?

Neal, people are looking at us.

And not in a good way.

What are you guys talking about?

I'm k*lling.

Can't you just put that thing in your locker?

Hey, who are you calling a thing?

Hey, Schweiber, Nice doll.

Did it come with a dress?

Hey, Seidelman, Nice head.

Did it come with a neck?

Hey, Morty.

I'm really sorry.

I can't control him sometimes.

Hey, Schweiber, how about I kick your butt?

It's not me, it's him.

Oh, okay, right.

Gotcha.

Well, how about this?

How about I kick your butt... and he can talk about it?

Does that sound good to you?

Hey, Seidelman, knock it off.

Why don't you go pick on someone your own size?

There's a bus in the parking lot.

Ha, ha, ha.

Thanks a lot, Mr. Kowchevski.

Some people just don't appreciate art.

Yeah, you're a hero.

What are you, a glutton for punishment, Schwibber?

It's Schweiber.

You tell 'em, Morty.

That stupid dummy almost got us k*lled.

It's not a dummy, it's a figure.

He shouldn't even be messing with that stuff, you know?

What do you mean?

Have you seen the movie "Magic"?

Yeah. Remember we saw it instead of seeing "Grease"?

Yeah. What if Neal has the kind of dummy that's in "Magic"?

One minute it's all fun and games, everybody's happy, and then, "hey, schmucko, why don't you go k*ll Bill?"

I know he's going through a hard time and all, but...

You get to be a jerk just because your dad's having an affair?

Hey.

How's it goin'?

Remember me?

From McKinley?

Daniel.

I don't know. Maybe.

So, uh, how's the dropping out going?

A lot better than the stayin' in was.

A lot fewer idiots hassling me all the time.

Yeah. That's cool.

Do you want something?

Aren't you the guy that had that psycho girlfriend?

Yeah, but, uh...

We don't really share the same interests anymore.

Well, that's too bad.

Yeah, you know, like...

It's like, you know, she's not into current affairs, I am.

She's not a punker, I am.

Really?

Yeah, that's right.

You know what punkers don't do?

Call themselves punkers.

Uh huh.

Who do you listen to?

Clash, Iggy, The Ramones, Sex Pistols...

All the obvious guys.

Yeah, well, you know I listen to more obscure stuff too.

What are you doin'?

This is where I'll be Saturday night.

It's called The Armpit.

It's downtown.

So...

Maybe I'll see you there.

Yeah, definitely.

Yeah, but if I did pull the fire alarm, would all the girls get dressed before they ran out of the locker room?

Or would they just run out naked?

I don't know.

Hey, where were you guys during lunch?

Morty and I had the lunch ladies cracking up.

I pretended there was some guy drowning in the beans.

Help me! [GURGLES]

Oh. Sorry I missed it.

All right, I'll see you later, Mr. Forrester.

Barry!

Hey, Groucho. What's up, buddy?

-How's it goin', man? -Great.

What are you doin' here?

I made good time driving in.

I figured I'd stop by, see the old prison.

What is this thing?

What, are you studying CPR or something?

-Hey, Barry. -Hey, Sam.

-You look good, man. -Really?

Yeah, you look like a stud.

Bill, you're getting huge.

Thanks.

Hey, Sam. I got detention, so if Mom asks, don't tell her where I am.

Detention?

Not my Lindsay.

Neal, what did I tell you about that?

Hey.

-Barry? -Lindsay.

-Damn. -What?

What is going on with the Weirs lately?

You all look so hot.

Neal, you gotta spend some more time over there.

Believe me, I've been trying.

So, hey, how's college?

Oh, I can't tell you. It would make you feel bad.

-Really? -It's tremendous.

There's no detention, there's no -

Okay, stragglers.

Come on, why don't you get to class?

Hey, Fatass, why don't you shove it?

[LAUGHING]

[SIGHS]

All right, come on.

Let's go to the principal's office.

I'm not, uh, I'm not going anywhere.

I'm not I'm... I'm I graduated two years ago.

Then get...

Get the hell outta here!

Okay. Calm down.

Lindsay, you're gonna come to that party tomorrow, right?

-Yeah. -Okay.

Neal, I'll see you later.

Bye, Barry.

God, I hate it when they come back!

Come on, let's go. Get to class, come on!

No. Fraternities... fraternities are lame, Dad.

-They are not! -Yes, they are.

They... you know what they make you do to get into a fraternity?

You have to, um, pick up a meatball with your rear end and walk it to the other side of the room.

And if you drop it on the way, they make you pick it up and eat it.

Oh! Oh!

I mean, is that... is that what you want?

You... you actually wanna pay to have me take part in that kind of activity?

Neal, showbiz is looking better and better.

So, Barry, are you narrowing in on a major yet?

Well, I'm leaning towards undeclared.

Right now.

Yeah, with a minor in sitting on your ass.

Hey, that's $1.00, fella.

For ass?

No, uh... It's either that or, uh, or... or pre-law.

-Yeah? -Ooh.

-Now we're talkin'! -Huh?

Not really, but look how excited they get when I say it.

Unbelievable.

[LAUGHING]

How are the women treating you, huh?

I do all right.

I do all right.

I'm just playing the field a little bit right now.

Oh, that's good!

You don't wanna get tied down too young.

Besides, you're a Schweiber man!

Irresistible to the ladies.

Isn't that right, honey?

Yes, that's right.

And I'm the lucky gal who gets three Schweiber men all to myself!

["YOUR PHONE IS OFF THE HOOK BUT YOU'RE NOT" PLAYING]

Haaaa!

Whoa!

Yeah. Yeah.

Kiss for you?

No, not for me.

Close the door. Close the door.

Okay? It's okay.

It's all right. It's okay.

It's all right. Kiss for you.

No, not for me. Okay?

Okay. It's all right?

It's all right Kiss for you?

Okay, now you're creeping me out.

What?

Well, I liked when Señor Wences did it.

But I don't know what... what you're trying to accomplish.

Um...

Barry, there's something I've been, um, meaning to talk to you about.

What's that?

It's about Dad.

What about him?

I really don't know how to say it.

You're probably gonna get upset.

I'm not gonna get upset. Just say it.

I think Dad is cheating on Mom.

[GROANING]

How did you find out?

It's a long story, but I'm pretty sure I'm right.

You're right. You're right.

What?

Dad cheats on Mom.

I know... I've... I know.

-Really? -Yeah.

I... I spotted them at a... at a movie once, and he was sitting with, like, a young redhead.

Uh, did he see you?

I don't know. I don't know.

He, uh, that year, he bought me a... a car for my birthday.

Wha...

Why didn't you tell me?

Why would I tell you?

Did you tell Mom?

No! No.

Why not? He's making a fool out of her.

So, uh, huh.

You wanna tell her?

Is that what you wanna do?

You wanna tell her so they can get divorced?

Right?

So they can sell the house, and you get to see...

Dad only on the weekends... in his... in his new apartment.

Is that what you want?

Hey, Nick.

Maybe, uh, maybe you'll get lucky at the punk club tonight.

You think so?

Sure.

You know, all these punk girls hate themselves.

It's got to improve your chances.

That's really, really funny.

Ow!

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

[CHORTLES]

You know, stop it.

He looks good.

Shut up! Get in.

You look really good.

[LAUGHING]

Can I use you to clean out my ear later?

Hey, uh, Edgar Winter called.

He says he needs his hair back for a gig tonight.

Yeah, yeah, yeah!

We'll see who looks stupid when we get there.

Oh, honey, you talk to three people, and that's two hours right there.

Okay, Lindsay, we'll be back early!

Wait a minute!

Oh, here it comes, "dad, can I borrow some money?"

I decided to go with you guys.

Wow! You look great!

What made you change your mind?

Well, uh...

Dad is right.

I'm part of this family and...

He's my dentist too. I should go.

Hear that, Jean? I was right about something!

Maybe we should take a picture of this moment, huh?

Hey, hey, Phyllis, hi, how are you?

Zev, how are those partials working out?

Oh, my goodness! Oh, my goodness!

The Weirs are here!

So glad you decided to come this year.

Look at you, Jean, wow! You look terrific!

Thanks. Thanks for inviting us.

Lindsay, hi! You too. Aren't you a looker?

Oh, thanks.

And, Sammy, give me some skin, babe.

Okay, man. Uh, I think, uh, Neal and Bill have gotta be around here somewhere.

-Yeah. -Go find 'em.

Big Harry, need a drink?

Yeah, I do. Yeah.

Nobody calls me Harry.

-Shh. -All right.

I'm giving you these now.

There's no way I'm gonna spend all night listening to the same old dentist jokes without plenty of anesthesia.

Oh, honey, go easy.

Do you want me to take this from you?

'Cause you're not eating it. [LAUGHS]

You don't want it to go to waste.

Hey!

Ah... um...

Can... will you excuse me... a second?

[PUNK MUSIC PLAYING]

Man, isn't this great?

No one carded us. I like it.

Yeah, man, no rules!

-Yeah. -Can do what we want here.

Whoa, I'm not sure what that is.

I am.

I'll be at the bar.

Yeah!

Yeah!

If one more person asks me what my major is going to be, I'm gonna snap.

I'm gonna lose it.

[LAUGHING]

You want to ask me that, don't you?

No! Uh uh. Not if you're gonna snap!

Honestly, I have no idea.

You know, uh, do you know what you're gonna major in?

No. Not a clue.

Probably I'll just be glad I'm out of high school.

Barry?

-Hi. -Hi.

Melvin Latz, one of your father's partners.

-Oh! How are you doing? -Hi, good to see you.

-It's been a while. -Yeah.

How's school?

Oh, it's great.

Have you chosen a major yet?

[PUNK MUSIC PLAYS]

All: Hey!

Hey!

Where are the drinks, man?

Bartender's a bastard!

She keeps ignoring me.

She's only served people with stupid haircuts!

Daniel, you go.

Bite me, man.

There she is.

See you guys later.

Hey!

What?

What do you mean, what?

You asked me to come here.

Oh, it's you.

Yeah.

You look different.

Well, you know, this is the real me.

Yeah?

Yeah.

[PUNK MUSIC PLAYING]

All: Hey!

Yeah!

Hey!

How do you like the band?

Yeah, Puss rules!

It's Pus!

And they're on next.

Yeah, I know! They rule!

And so the dentist says, I know you heard it already, the dentist says, "make up your mind, honey.

I gotta adjust the chair."

[LAUGHTER]

Harold, you want another?

Don't mind if I do.

Jean?

I better not. I'm driving.

Ahh.

A dentist joke!

He's an... he's an actor!

Meanwhile, Bush is the former head of the C.I.A.

Come on, you really think John Hinckley was working for him?

Uh, not directly, but yes.

That's ridiculous.

Well, at least I find it easier to believe than that, uh, fakakte Jodie Foster story.

Faka... what?

Oh, sorry. Fakakte.

It's, uh, Yiddish for, like, lame.

Oh, yeah. Okay.

Fakakte!

That's very good.

Thanks.

You wanna get outta here?

Wanna go take a walk?

Yeah.

[PUNK MUSIC PLAYING]

Ugh.

Uhhh.

Oh. Ow.

Are you okay?

Is there a bathroom around here?

Over there!

All right. I'll be right back.

[SIGHS]

Man, can you believe how many posers are out there?

Yeah, I ain't no poser, man, check this out.

What? I ain't callin' you a poser, man.

Relax.

I don't know, he was really into me, but he was just stoned all the time.

Hmm.

Do you smoke?

No. What, are you crazy? It gets me paranoid.

Yeah? Me too.

Yeah, I lock myself in my room.

It's bad.

[LAUGHING] Yeah, that stuff, it's fakakte.

[LAUGHS]

That... That's it, though, That's the perfect use of that word.

Thanks.

Wait, so what were we talking about?

Your... Your friends.

Oh, yeah. They're really fun, and they're... they're funny.

But they're just...

Well, they don't inspire me or challenge me.

I don't know, does that sound mean?

Relax. You think too much.

Yeah. Tell me about it.

You know...

When you get to college, it's funny, it's, like, all that high school stuff disappears.

Really, it's like...

It's a do-over.

I mean, when you get there...

It's, like, no one knows that you were an athlete or that you were a burnout.

It's like a fresh start.

You can be whoever you wanna be.

Like, take... take me for instance.

When I was in high school, I got... I got b*at up more than Neal, you know.

But when I got to college, I mean, you didn't... you didn't hear me say, "hey, look at me!

I'm the guy that got b*at up every day!

That was me!"

No, I said, "look at me, I'm the the handsome, dashing Jew."

[LAUGHING]

And, huh, people bought it!

Which is...

Yeah.

I buy it.

You see what I'm saying?

So what do I wanna be?

Give me the weekend.

And I'll come up with something good.

[LAUGHING]

Hey, look at you. Hey.

Oh, look at me, look at me, I'm such a good husband.

Blah, blah, blah.

You know, "Fantasy Island" is on.

We could watch that.

Hey, everybody!

I'd like to propose a toast.

To the woman without whom we'd all be hungry and without whom my life wouldn't be complete.

Mmm.

[KISS]

-Cheers. -Hear, hear.

This sucks. I gotta get outta here.

Oh, no.

Oh.

Hey, buddy.

Hey, Neal.

Don't... don't let me interrupt.

I was just out for...

Hey! I've been lookin' all over for you.

What?

Well, I want you to do your ventriloquism act.

What?

N... no, not now.

Why? With a friendly audience like this?

Come on, who wants to see Neal do his ventriloquism?

[LIGHT APPLAUSE] Yeah.

Ha, ha, ha, ha!

Go on!

Go on, get your dummy.

It's called a figure!

Oh, gosh.

These artistic types, very sensitive, you know.

[PUNK MUSIC PLAYING]

How's your head?

It's fine. You know, just another battle scar.

Just hold still.

All right.

Just do it.

Almost done.

There you go.

Thank you!

Thank you very much.

Who's next?

I am.

Just gonna ice it for a minute.

All right.

Hey, Daniel, what are you doin', man?

Never mind.

Hey, uh, Daniel, I don't think this is such a good idea, man.

Forget it.

Ready?

Yeah.

Okay. On three...

I'll push it through.

-Billy! -One...

Two...

-Three! -Wait! Ow!

Ohh.

Oh, jeez.

-Oh, my god. -Ow!

You've ruined it, you wimp.

-Oh, jeez, man. -Shut up.

Can we get outta here?

That's makin' me sick, man.

Let's get out, Where's Ken?

-That's... -Shut up!

-...terrible! -Where's Ken?

Well, let's check this out.

Ladies and gentlemen!

Uh, Neal and Morty!

-Hey! -Whoohoo!

Uh, hi, everybody!

M... Morty, say hello to the nice people.

Hello, nice people.

All: Hi. Hi, Morty!

Say, how come these people are so funny looking?

W... what do you mean?

Their teeth!

They're terrible!

Morty, I mean, come on.

No, no, no, no, no.

Haven't they ever heard of a toothbrush?

Morty! Wh... what do you mean by that?

Look at them. Look at these people.

Look at that lady over there.

Her teeth are so bad, she should be a professional hockey player.

[LAUGHTER] Boo.

All right, can we, can we just get to the act now, please?

Oh, sure thing, sure thing.

All right.

What's the difference between a proctologist and a dentist?

I... I don't know, what?

Ha! One's a doctor of the ass and the other's an ass who's a doctor.

[LAUGHTER]

Morty, come on, be nice.

All right, all right, all right.

Well, uh, okay, here... here's another one.

Here's another one.

Okay. What's the difference between a dentist and a brand new pair of leather shoes?

I... I don't know, What?

A brand new pair of leather shoes will never give you an unnecessary root canal so he can build an addition on his house.

[LAUGHTER]

-Okay. -Hey, Morty, come on, that's not really funny.

All right, all right.

Dr. Schweiber is a wonderful dentist.

I ain't lettin' him touch me.

He's not gonna put me under.

Ha, next thing I know I'll wake up and my wisdom teeth'll be gone along with my virginity!

Okay. Okay, that's enough. Thank you.

All right, thank you.

Why is Dr. Schweiber a dentist?

I... I have no idea, why?

Because he's so stupid he flunked out of medical school!

[LAUGHS]

Okay, that's enough, Neal.

Thank you.

Oh, yeah, that's enough, thank you.

-Thank you! -There's more.

Neal and Morty's show is over, folks.

Thank you very much.

Hey, hey!

You're out of order! You're out of order!

This whole dental practice is out of order!

Okay, that's enough.

Hey, hey, get your hands off me.

-Neal, Neal! -Get your hands off me!

Leave me alone!

[LAUGHING]

Excuse me.

See?

Told you that thing would take him over.

Honey, what's going on?

I told him I didn't wanna do it.

Neal- I...

He asked for a comedy routine, a... and that's what he got.

Neal, what's wrong?

Nothing.

You can tell me, it's all right.

-No, I can't tell you. -Why?

Because I don't wanna ruin your life.

Dad's cheating on you.

It's okay.

I'm sorry, Mom.

Shh.

Sorry.

It's okay.

Why is it okay?

Marriage is a very complicated thing.

But there is nothing... that is more important to me than you and your brother.

Your father and I love you more than anything in the world.

Now, he and I have got the rest of our lives to work out our marriage, but we've only got a couple more years with you here.

Do you mean you know?

Neal, we're working on it.

Shh.

But that's between me and your father.

Nothing will ever change the fact that we love you very, very much.

And you and Morty are very funny.

Thanks, Mom.

Hey, where's that kid? He was hilarious.

Honey, come on.

Lindsay, sweetie, come on, we better go.

Where are we going? [LAUGHS]

Oh, my god, you guys are hammered.

We're your parents, we're not hammered.

No, a little tipsy, maybe.

Well, your father, he's hammered.

You're driving, all right?

Yeah, I'll be out in a minute, okay?

Oh, okay.

Mmm, shh. No, take your time, all right?

Yeah, I gotta go.

Can I come, please?

Oh, I know, I can't come.

I think you've got your hands full here.

Yeah.

Well...

It was great seeing you.

Well, this was the best Schweiber party ever.

Yeah, I'm sure.

Well, uh, listen, you're in Wisconsin, you're gonna come visit me, right?

Yeah.

Okay, I'm... my dorm is right next to a field of cows.

Make a right at the cow, and there I'll be.

-All right? -Got you.

Right at the cow.

And right. You got it.

All right, I'll see you.

Take it easy.

Have fun at school.

I'll try.

[MUSIC PLAYS]

♪ [SINGING] You're nobody

♪ till somebody loves you

♪ You're nobody

♪ till somebody cares

♪ You may be King

♪ You may possess the world

♪ and its gold

♪ but gold won't bring you

♪ happiness when you're growin' old

♪ the world still is the same

♪ You never change it

♪ as sure

♪ as the stars shine above

♪ You're nobody

♪ till somebody loves you

♪ So find yourself somebody to love

♪ [SINGING] The world still is the same

♪ You never change it

♪ As sure

♪ as the stars shine above

♪ Well, you're nobody

♪ till somebody loves you

♪ So find yourself somebody

♪ to love