01x14 - Shock and Aww

[bunniefuu]

MAN NARRATING: Now the story of a wealthy family who lost everything... and the one son who had no choice but to keep them all together.

It's Arrested Development.

Michael was sharing his bed for the first time in years.

Unfortunately, it was with his younger brother, Buster.

Buster. Buster.

Hey-Hey. Whoa, whoa. Buster!

-Hey, Brother. -[SIGHS]

I don't think us sleeping together is working out.

You're a grown man. You should be living with your mother.

-Yeah, I miss Mom. -I can tell.

-Hey, good morning. What are you doing? -It's my ethics essay.

I'm supposed to write 200 words on the morality of w*r... whether a preemptive strike is ever justified.

Absolutely. It's preemptive, you know, happens before something else. So... if you can predict aggression and you wanna squash it...

I don't know why you're not typing? This is all good.

I'm not sure if my ethics teacher would love if I cheated on my essay.

Well, you just passed my ethics test.

NARRATOR: In fact, George Michael had developed a hopeless crush... on his ethics teacher, a woman named Beth Baerly.

Even minor crimes are punishable... by brutally chopping off the offender's hand.

Mmm. No ring.

-Can't wait to meet her at Parent-Teacher Night. -Oh yeah. Dad, hey, Dad...

-try to remember everything she says about me, all right? -Okay.

Michael.

I need you to do something about my son.

I totally agree, Mom. Buster goes home, we flip the mattress...

-this never happened. -Not Buster. Read this.

Did you and Dad adopt a child?

The S.E.C. was onto us.

Your father thought it would make us look charitable.

He must have forged my signature.

Well, maybe I'll get a son who will... finish his cottage cheese!

You've got to get me out of this.

I'll call Social Services, but you must take Buster back.

-Okay. -Great.

But I'm not taking care of him either.

I don't have the milk of mother's kindness in me anymore.

Yeah, that udder's been dry for a while now, hasn't it?

-Kind of? -[PHONE RINGS]

-Hello. -GOB: Michael.

I've got a couple of girls here.

A couple of fun girls...

-I thought I'd bring you in on. -Oh, I don't know, Gob.

Come on, Michael. So we had a little disagreement.

-NARRATOR: Recently, Gob had discovered that Michael... -[MICHAEL YELLING]

-Was interested in his now ex-girlfriend, Marta. -[YELLING CONTINUES]

I'm offering you an olive branch here.

Yeah-Yeah. No. I know, and I appreciate that. It's just...

Besides, when was the last time you slept with someone?

-Buster. -What time and where?

NARRATOR: Meanwhile, Lindsay was helping George Michael with his homework.

-Oh, come on, let's do something. It's just a stupid essay. -No, I can't.

I don't want to let down Ms. Baerly. She's nice, you know.

-And she's interesting... -And pretty?

Well, I don't know why I'm telling you this.

I guess there's just some things you can't really say to your dad.

Ah. Sounds like you'd like her to be more than just your teacher.

NARRATOR: Lindsay believed that George Michael wanted to fix up his father... so he could fill the role of his mother.

There's nothing wrong with that.

Although, I must say I'm a little hurt that you haven't considered me.

-You're my aunt. -[SCOFFS] That doesn't matter.

Aunts can fill that role. Teachers can fill that role.

And, someday, you're gonna find the right woman to fill that role.

But until then, I'll be right across the hall.

NARRATOR: Lindsay had never been more proud of anything she had said in her entire life.

-Yikes. -NARRATOR: Meanwhile, Gob was waiting for Michael to show up.

-Oh, there he is. Michael. -Yes.

This is Shannon, the girl I've been telling you all about.

Yes. Girl, indeed... young girl.

-That's a young, young, young, girl. -Yeah, well, she's 18.

So, it's like... Oh, and this is...

-your date, Nazh... -galia.

-Hello, my God! -Well, Shannon wouldn't go out without a chaperone...

-Right. -and so she's your date.

NARRATOR: It was clear that Gob wasn't offering an olive branch at all... and, in fact, was still harboring some resentment over Marta.

-Oh... [LAUGHS] "Nagarma," you've got a mustache. -Hey!

-I mean, you've got milk on your mustache. -Oh. [CHUCKLES]

-I mean, you've got a milk mustache. -Yeah.

-It's adorable. You look like one of those "Got Milk" models. -[MEN CHUCKLING]

NARRATOR: But Gob mistook Michael's basic human decency for romantic interest... and felt a competitive urge to step in.

Because, you know, it's beyond adorable... and e-exotic.

-I find you very attractive. -NAZHGALIA/MICHAEL/SHANNON: Really?

NARRATOR: And George Sr. Was about to get a surprise visitor.

Mr. Bluth? I'm Cindi Lightballoon.

I've studied all your teachings, and I've purchased every tape.

And I watch 'em over and over.

NARRATOR: George Sr. had recently marketed a line of self-help tapes... touting his newly discovered spirituality.

I've also lost four pounds on your low-carb Bluth Banana Jail Bars. [GIGGLES]

I've come to learn at your feet.

That's a good place to start.

NARRATOR: And Michael, free of his double date, met Lindsay at Parent-Teacher Night.

Hey, Linds, is it my imagination... or does this r*pe room have the same floor plan as our kitchen?

Did you meet Ms. Baerly yet, the ethics teacher? 'Cause I just did.

No, not yet. Look, these are our cabinets.

Yeah. Well, I think she's perfect for you.

-For me? Really? -Mm-hmm.

Thanks, but no. I've already been set up once today by a sibling... and I don't think you people know my type.

Hey, look. It's not coming from me. It's-It's George Michael.

He told me. I think he wants a mother.

Well, that's ridiculous. He's got you. He's got our mother.

You'd think that would turn him off to the entire concept.

Besides, I'm not gonna rush out and marry somebody just because you think my son would like it.

Welcome. I'm Ms. Baerly, the ethics teacher.

My goal is to teach your children about the preciousness of life... that can be lost by the mindless pulling of a trigger.

Mmm. No ring.

NARRATOR: And so Michael got to know his son's ethics teacher.

Ethics... right and wrong.

[CHUCKLES] -How can one thing can be right and another one be wrong?

-I mean, which is which, you know? -[BOTH CHUCKLING]

I guess that's the "Rrrr" of it.

You know, so frustrating.

I don't know. I mean, they just threw this class at me after Mr. Daniels had a stroke.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

I had him, Mr. Daniels. How is he?

-Oh, he, you know, had a stroke. -Oh.

-Thought you were joking. -No, I was just laughing 'cause you were laughing.

-Right. No. Yeah. Gosh. Hmm. -Yeah.

-"Rrrr!" -[LAUGHS] "Rrrr!"

-But, you know, I-I... I really am antiwar and antiviolence. -Uh-huh.

-And I think I'm an ethical person. -Right.

Here's an ethical question.

Can-Can a parent take a teacher out for a drink? Or...

I don't know. Uh, do you have a wife?

-Yeah. But she's dead. -[LAUGHS] Oh.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

[SUCKS TEETH] Have you ever been married?

Yeah, she d*ed.

Ohh. God, why are we laughing?

I don't... Well, it's the Mr. Daniels stroke thing...

-all over again. -[LAUGHS]

-Let's go get that drink. -Yeah, it could only help.

-Rrrr! -[LAUGHING] Rrr!

NARRATOR: George Sr. was dealing with his own admirer.

Oh, I've already told you so many of my sins.

Maybe you could tell me some of yours.

Uh, well, there are legal implications to that.

But, uh, back to your sins. Uh, do that one about the, uh...

[TAKES DEEP BREATH] ladies' shower... in your college dorm again.

NARRATOR: And Michael was on his way to what would be his second date...

-with Ms. Baerly. -[RINGING]

Michael, the little Korean is here, and I don't know what to do with him.

At least, I think it's a him.

You've got to strip them down to next to nothing before you can even tell.

Yeah, Mom. I just spoke to Social Services... and although they don't like to do this... if you can prove that it's a bad environment for a child... and I would suggest saying what you just said to me, don't change a word...

-they will take him back. -Ha, ha, ha. Uh, don't get too comfortable.

Shoes on, mister! Shoes on!

He's out of control.

-[KNOCKING] -Hold on.

-I'm back. -[RATTLING]

Who's that?

This is "Annyong," who your father and I have adopted.

What, I'm gone for a couple days and you find a new son?

NARRATOR: Lucille could see that her son was concerned, even jealous.

And she knew how it felt to be overlooked.

Yes. Annyong is your brother now.

Yes, Annyong. Excuse me. Oh, Michael?

Call it off.

I'm keeping him.

-Look, I gotta call you back. -Sweet ride.

Are you making dinner reservations?

No, no. That was my Mom. She just had...

-a "little Korean" dropped off. -Ooh, that sounds good. Let's have that.

-Hello. -NARRATOR: And after their date...

Michael took a step he hadn't taken in years.

Okay, do you think this is a good idea?

I think it's a great idea.

Mmm.

Such a good idea.

But how are we going to sneak in without waking everyone up?

We'll take the stairs.

[STAIRS RUMBLING]

This may not have been my best idea.

I'm sorry, Michael.

I'm sorry too, Michael, but it looks like we're even.

You took something I liked. I took something you liked.

Yeah. I... [BEEPS]... "Nashbagerlajam."

Listen, I know that you've been trying to get even with me about Marta.

But got bad news for ya. I'm seeing somebody else.

Who? Who?

Just out of curiosity... I'm not gonna try to sleep with her.

-Forget it. I thought that this was behind us. -It is behind us.

-Great. -When I sleep with her. 'Cause I'm gonna sleep with her.

Yeah. I was lying when I said I wasn't gonna to sleep with her, so...

-She'd have to agree to it. -I don't anticipate a problem with that.

-No? -No. 'Cause I've seen some of the dogs you like.

-Right. -I just slept with one.

-Again, didn't like Nazhgalia. -Really.

-Really, and good luck getting rid of her. -Oh, please.

-Not a problem. She knows it was a one-time thing. Totally cool. -[PHONE RINGING]

-Oh, so romantic. -Who's "N. Bahn-Ahden?"

Hello. [SUCKS AIR]

Hey, George Michael.

I wanted to talk to you about something before, but I didn't know if it was real.

But now, uh... your ethics teacher...

-Yeah, I just made this for her. -Oh.

She loves S*ddam Hussein.

I'm sure she doesn't love S*ddam. I'm sure she is interested in him... as a subject, you know.

-Right. That's what I meant. -Great.

You know, I just wanted to make her something special to show that I care.

-About the class? -No. I mean, about her.

-Oh! -I kind of love her.

You mean, you love her like... like she loves S*ddam.

-Right? -No, no. I mean, like, love her love her.

-Oh. -[FOOTSTEPS]

-Oh. -Oh, hi!

Hi, George Michael. I was just... looking at this model home.

I'm gonna go home and think about it.

I'm gonna go home, think about it.

Dad, what was she doing here?

-I mean, sh... she wasn't... -[DOOR CLOSES]

NARRATOR: Michael knew he had an ethical responsibility to tell his son the truth.

Yes.

Your Uncle Gob slept with her.

Well, why would he do that? Why would Gob sleep with my ethics teacher?

-Probably to get even with me. -How would that be getting even with you?

-I'm the one that likes her. -Right. Right.

No, I know. You and I know that, but Gob he just...

He's not that exact of a target sh**t, and he just kind of sprays it everywhere.

You know, but listen, did-did you really think that-that... that you had a...

I mean, she's kinda old for you, don't you think?

We don't even know how old she is. No one does.

She was chaperoning the diversity dance... and I thought maybe as a joke, I'd go up to her and be, like...

"Well, hey, do you want to dance?"

And she'd be, like, "Ah, what the heck?" Right? Or some... I don't know.

-I did it differently in the mirror, but... -Right.

-But, you know, like, we'd be joke dancing or something. -I get it.

-I didn't think it through. -Don't you think you should be taking somebody your own age?

Like your cousin.

-That's a bad example, but... -I feel so stupid.

I defaced a rare book to get that picture of S*ddam Hussein in a bathing suit.

"What would S*ddam do?" -Yeah.

Yeah, you know something? You're right. Gob's gonna pay.

Okay, that is our exact outdoor fire pit.

NARRATOR: At prison, George Sr. was preparing for an evening with his most devoted fan.

While Cindi Lightballoon was making preparations ofher own.

-How we doin'? -MAN: We have video.

-Testing one, two. -Tilt back a little, will you, Harris?

Let's bust this guy. [BLOWS SMOKE]

NARRATOR: So George Michael, still angry at Gob... sought out the family expert on making trouble.

-I know he was dating that girl Shannon. -The cheerleader?

Yeah, she's probably gonna take him to that stupid diversity dance.

I wish I had someone shocking to take.

You know, I actually called Mr. Daniels and asked him... but he got all out of breath and dropped the phone.

-I never heard back. -You know, may-maybe we should go together.

Right, I mean, it's a bad example... I... But should we?

Hello.

Yes, Annyong. Your name's Annyong.

We all know you're Annyong. Annyong. Annyong. Annyong.

-Who's this? -Oh, I'm sorry. This is Annyong.

My mom bought him. She's making me register him for school.

-He's my new little brother. -So we're related.

-Hey, wanna go to a dance? -Oh, great, another uncle to compete with.

NARRATOR: And Michael went to discuss the George Michael situation with Ms. Baerly.

Being held against their will... [GIGGLES]

Purely on the basis of political or religious beliefs. [GIGGLING]

I'm sorry. I met someone. I'm sorry.

Anyway, this is serious. This is atrocities. No more smiling.

-[KNOCKING] -Michael! Uh, just a minute.

-Hi. Sorry... -Hi!

Don't worry. George Michael's not in there. Those are the dumb kids.

Okay. Um, listen.

-This is uh... -Wow! Did you make this for me?

This is so sweet. I love Hussein.

-You mean, you're interested in him. -Oh, yes. He is a monster.

-Yeah. -Wow. Where did you find this one of him in a Speedo?

This is what I want to talk to you about, though. Um, Beth...

I don't think that I can continue to see you.

-[GIGGLES] -[GIGGLES]

But I've enjoyed my time with you.

-You ever wanna talk ethics... -You really mean it? This isn't one of "my wife d*ed" jokes?

-No, I'm afraid this is serious. -Oh.

You see, George Michael made this poster for you.

You know, he-he kind of, uh, is in love with you, so...

-He knows we're going out. He saw me this morning. -No, I covered that.

I told him that you slept with my brother.

That may be the most unethical thing I've ever heard.

Well, you've only been doing this half a semester.

Look, it was a preemptive strike. My brother would've tried to sleep with you.

-Well, I want you to leave right now and not come back. -Right. I know.

-I understand. I'm sorry. And you will not see me again. -[BELL RINGS]

Starting right now.

-NARRATOR: George Sr. went on a walk with Cindi. -George.

-And she was getting to him. -You can feel safe to fully reveal yourself to me.

Hmm, all right. [SIGHS] There is...

-There is something. -Come closer.

[SIGHS] It's weighing heavy on my soul.

You, uh... You know, the Talmud teaches us to... There you go. [INHALES SHARPLY]

-What's he doing? -He's pinching the camera.

He's on to us. He's found the camera.

-Get out of there. He's got the camera. Abort! Abort! -Get the dog.

Clean the dog. We are cleaning the dog!

[MOANING]

NARRATOR: That night, Buster came home to an empty apartment.

So, it's off with Mother now.

NARRATOR: In fact, Lucille was just giving Annyong and Maeby a ride.

You're trying to steal from the wrong man.

Watch your back, my little immigrant friend!

NARRATOR: And the spring diversity dance was in full swing.

-Whoa, sorry. Students only. -Oh.

So you're not letting him in because he doesn't share your perfectly shaped nose... your round eye-shaped eyes, your strong square jaw.

Thanks. You wanna dance?

-Yeah! -All right!

-♪ [POP] -Steve Holt!

-NARRATOR: And Gob sought out Shannon... -GOB: Shannon!

Who had found out he had cheated on her with Nazhgalia.

Shannon, where are you? Shannon!

Oh, hey, Lisa. Shannon!

Excuse me. Look, I blew it, okay?

But I bought a yearbook ad from you. Doesn't that mean anything anymore?

Beth! Hey, hi. Listen...

Um, I blew it okay? I had to see you.

I've been giving this a lot of thought, and-and...

-I have to do the right thing. -You're gonna tell George Michael the truth?

Oh, that's... that's your definition of the right thing.

I thought I was gonna make a dramatic entrance and tell you that I wanted to see you. Okay.

Uh, I'll get right on that.

George Michael! Where are you? George Michael!

-Uncle Gob? -George Michael.

-What are you doing at a high school dance? -I'm looking for you.

-How could you do this to me? -Do what?

-I'm just here with my girl. -Yeah, my ethics teacher.

-Hey, George Michael. -No, Dad. I'm taking care of something, okay?

-All right. -You slept with my ethics teacher.

-[OVERLAPPING CHATTER] -Just hang on a second.

-It wasn't him. It's me, okay? -Wha...

-It wasn't him. It's me, okay? -Wha...

-I've been dating your ethics teacher. -Wow, Michael.

I'm really touched that you'd stick up for me after I've been so horrible to you.

-Huh? -You know what? Now it's time for me to do the right thing.

I slept with the ethics teacher. I'm sorry.

-What are you talking about? -Lindsay told me that you liked her and I'm not proud of this... but... I... [BEEPS] Mrs. Whitehead.

NARRATOR: In fact, Gob mistook the civics teacher... for the ethics teacher Michael was dating.

Man, he... has a type.

Gob, Mrs. Whitehead was the civics teacher.

-We both had her. -Yes, we have. And now we're even.

-What a pig. -Tell me about it.

No, you! You're the pig!

-Two strikes. You are out. -Listen. Shannon, please.

-It was a onetime thing. I'm not gonna hear from her again! -[RINGING]

-Ach! -[RINGING CONTINUES]

Who is Edna W? Hello? [GROANS]

-What's going on here, Dad? -Well, it-it-it was me, okay?

I've been seeing Ms. Baerly, and I should never have brought Gob into it.

But that day you told me you liked her, I didn't know what else to do.

-I never wanted to hurt you. -Didn't Aunt Lindsay tell you I liked her?

Yeah. But she said that you wanted her as a mother, and I said that was ridiculous... but then I met her and kind of fell for her... and thought that she would kind of make a great mother.

Is that true? I didn't know you were that serious.

Well, you know, I'm open to it. We're open to it.

Wow!

-No, no, no, no. -I'm just saying someday, you know.

-I'm not really into kids. -I'm just... I'm not trying to rush anything.

Hey! The lady said no, man.

Look, Michael, I hope you find what you're looking for.

I mean we had some laughs about some very sad things, but...

I don't think we have a future.

-And, Jeremy, I will take that cupcake. -Ohh. Okay, um...

-Hey, uh, you wanna dance? -Sure, why not?

I can't believe that would have worked.

On the next Arrested Development.

Buster's competition heats up.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! We are not allowed to have candles in here.

-Mom would freak. -Oh, no, it's fine.

-This is America, baby. You pray how you want. -[BUSTER SCOFFS]

I'll light a candle of my own.

That's exactly what I'll do.

[ALARM BEEPING]