01x20 - Whistler's Mother

[bunniefuu]

Now the story of a wealthy family who lost everything... and the one son who had no choice... but to keep them all together.

It's Arrested Development.

MAN [NARRATING]: Michael was preparing for a meeting with the Bluth Company board... to decide what to do with some recently unfrozen funds.

Wow. Exciting, huh?

-Finally getting some money. -What do you want, Lindsay?

-I'd like some of that money. -Well, this money is for land.

Okay? We're not gonna burn through it like Dad did when he was in charge.

With his bad investments, and his corrupt dealings...

-Mother's neck. -No, that was a good investment.

It is easier to look at now, isn't it?

What if I told you that the money was for something really worthwhile?

-Like what? -I want to have an affair.

Now, I'm not sure with who yet, but I'll need lingerie, waxings...

These are some real costs, Michael.

-I take it things aren't getting better with Tobias. -What's that supposed to mean?

NARRATOR: Things hadn't been getting better with Michael's sister and her husband.

-Even after she came up with a plan to get his attention. -? [DISCO]

Oh, my God. Listen to the radio.

-I haven't heard this song since we first started dating. -? [DISCO]

I just feel like using my body.

Well, Lindsay, could you use it over there? I'm trying to grow.

Yeah. It's clear that's not gonna happen.

We had sex once in the last year, and he just laid there.

All right. Look, this money is for land.

I'm not gonna give you money to have an affair.

Why don't you pick something else to boost up your self-worth?

How about, uh, charity? Why don't you get back to your roots?

Well, it has been a while. [INHALES SHARPLY] All right!

I'm gonna go do that right now.

You're gonna go get your hair done, aren't you?

Well, if I'm gonna have an affair...

[PHONE RINGING]

NARRATOR: Michael got a message he intended to ignore.

Until he read the next line.

-A matter ofland, Mom? -Oh, that's funny.

I meant "a matter of'L' and 'D'..." Life and death.

What is the matter of life and death?

Buster's jaw clicks when he eats.

I think it's what's driving his friends away.

I sent him to Canada for an operation.

So I'll need some of that new money that just came in.

You know, Mom, if you want an operation that's really gonna help him... you ought to have them finally cut that cord.

-He needs me. -He doesn't need you.

You coddle him. He's too old to go running to his mommy with all his problems.

I seem to remember a certain someone... running to Mommy when his algebra teacher made an example of him.

NARRATOR: Michael had been suspended when another boy cheated offhis test.

Tracy won't marry me. I won't get a job, and...

[SHUSHING]

What is this? What's happening?

Let Mama take care of it.

I'll have a little chat with Mr. Vandenbosch.

The next day, Mr. Vandenbosch was not in school.

He was never heard from again.

I know life is not fair to women. Your children grow up, and they don't need you anymore.

And I seem to remember a certain grown man... who completely fell apart two weeks ago... when I taped over the Nova special that had the girl on it he liked.

That was Buster. That's my point.

NARRATOR: George Michael, meanwhile, was at the frozen banana stand... when he thought he spotted a familiar face:

Pop-Pop?

Sorry, miss. [CHUCKLING] Pop-Pop!

-You think you saw Pop-Pop? -But with hair! Which is probably why...

-he asked for my hair, remember? -Give Pop-Pop your hair!

-Give me the hair! -It all adds up.

He stole somebody's hair, made a wig, knocked out the guard... tunnelled his way through a sewer line, and then stopped to get a candy apple...

-on his way to Mexico! -Of course!

-You're mocking me. -[SCOFFS] Of course.

Listen, I know what I saw, Maeby. And there's no other explanation.

So listen. My twin brother's in town. I want you to take care ofhim.

-You still see Uncle Oscar? -Tell you what.

Give him ten grand from the, uh, new cash.

-Just send him on his way. -Dad, the money is for the business, okay?

-I'm not just gonna hand it all out. -Michael!

This is my brother. Do you know what it's like to have a sibling... who has no source of income except for you?

Just one? No. No idea. It sounds wonderful though.

Look, the board is watching every move I make.

EspeciallyJordan. He's just waiting for me to screw up, so he can blow the whistle on me.

Why don't you just buy him out of his stock?

No, no. He wants twice the value. But...

Listen. Stop tellin' me what to do with the money, please?

I've got a plan for the board meeting that's gonna take the g*n right out ofJordan's hand.

Listen, you've got the money now. And you know my price.

You don't need a whistle-blower around here.

Interesting choice of words, Mr. Jordan.

He's right. We don't need a whistle-blower.

We need a building full of whistle-blowers.

Okay? Whistles.

I want this place to be honest. That's exactly why I had these made up for us.

-When you see something wrong, I wa... -[WHISTLES]

There you go. I want you to report it. I want you to...

-[WHISTLES] -Exactly. Just like that.

-I want us to police ourselves as vigilant... -[WHISTLING]

Let's wait till something actually happens though. Okay, good fun. [CHUCKLES]

All right. Hey. Enough!

45, 46, 47...

Okay, there's still three whistles left out there.

-Who's got the whistles? -[WHISTLES]

-He kept one. -There's a good example of whistle-blowing.

But you've kept yours, so it's hurting your case.

-I was in the bathroom when you asked for it back. -[WHISTLING]

-MAN: No, he wasn't. -In any event... we are going to be responsible with this money.

Michael, I hope I'm not interrupting anything...

-but I'd love to get a hunk of that new company money. -[WHISTLING]

I just need to prove to my wife that I can act like a man.

And it's not about sex. I don't just lie there, if that's what you're thinking.

-That's not what I was thinking. -Sorry, I just...

-A quick question for Michael. -Is this about the money?

-No! [CHUCKLES] -What do you want?

It's not about money in the sense that I'm saying, "Here, Michael, take some money."

It's just more of a "May I have some?" kind of visit.

Don't you have a wife that you can ask now?

-She left me. -For Tobias?

-She left me. -For Tobias?

-For me? -No!

-She doesn't even like you. -I'm in love with your brother-in-law.

You're in love with your own brother? The one in the army?

-No. Your sister's husband. -Michael? Michael!

-No, that's your sister's brother. -I'm my sister's brother.

-You're in love with me. Me! -I'm in love with Tobias.

-My brother-in-law? -I know it can never be. So I'm leaving.

-I'm enlisting in the army. -To be with your brother.

-No! -Anyway, I can't be expected to live... on the $800-a-month army-wife stipend that I'm gonna get.

They just don't support the spouses.

You don't want to end up like Uncle Oscar, okay? Living off handouts your whole life.

Why don't you come up with a way to make money?

A suggestion of something to invest in, or maybe, uh, maybe a business idea?

Well, I've always wanted to remake Annie Hall.

Except I wouldn't want to get in bed with a green producer like a Sofia Coppola though.

Oh, but give me an old pro, like a Robert Redford?

Oh, I'd jump into bed with him in a second.

And I wouldn't just lie there, Michael Bluth...

-if that's what you're thinking. -Actually, that time that was what I was thinking.

[CHUCKLES] -And later that day, Maeby spotted something interesting.

Lindsay, meanwhile, arrived at the salon hoping to increase her self-esteem.

Unfortunately, her stylist had just been called up by his reserve unit.

-What's happening? Where are you going? -I'm not allowed to tell.

-It's the w*r. -Come on! These salon wars have got to stop!

The w*r, Lindsay. The real w*r.

Lindsay was stunned, not just that she was losing her stylist... but that apparently, there was a w*r going on.

Well, I'm protesting this w*r. You're my friend... and I'm not gonna let Shauna cut my hair.

I'm going to take a stand.

NARRATOR: And Lindsay found a solution to her self-esteem problem.

Gob and Tobias, meanwhile, were brainstorming at a local coffee shop.

-I need a cup of coffee to focus. -It's so crowded in here.

I can't think. Okay. What is it that people need?

People love to carbo-load.

-The bagel place. -There you go.

-Hey, guys. What's goin' on? -Just researching our investment.

Oh, yeah. Coffee places. I've thought about these.

I'll tell you what. You guys come up with a proposal, we'll try one.

NARRATOR: Gob and Tobias accidentally had Michael on the hook... and they didn't want to blow the deal.

I guess that's a response.

-Hey, Nephew. -Oh, hey! [CHUCKLES]

Uncle Oscar. How are you doin'?

-Wow, you are like, like a rock. -[CHUCKLING, GROANING]

-Oh, the tension! Come on. -Oh, okay. That's plenty.

-Okay. That's the pancreas right there. -What's happening now?

-[CHUCKLES UNEASILY] -The two men reconnected...

-neither one anxious to bring up the issue at hand. -One on the lips.

Obviously, Dad's in prison now. I'm running the business a little bit differently.

-You do the best with what you have. -Yeah.

-I have lemons, I make lemonade. -That's a very positive attitude.

I hate the lemonade business. I hate the grind. You have to grind so many... [BEEPS]

-lemons. -You're not a very metaphorical person, are you?

-I need money. -I know.

[SIGHS] Ah, I cannot tell you how that has weighed on me.

-[PASSING GAS] -Mm.

Why don't we sit over here?

So I've got too many people watching me too closely.

So, if you're willing to work, or if you have something of value...

The only thing I have of value is my land.

I could give you the rights to "All You Need Are Smiles."

That was a song I wrote for David Cassidy; he was gonna sing it on The Mike Douglas Show.

But he was too embarrassed to do it in front ofJohn and Yoko.

-Tell me about the land. -It's a couple hundred acres... of lemon groves, right near Camp Pendleton.

If you're willing to part with that land, Uncle Oscar...

I can guarantee you a little bit more than that $10,000.

To be honest, I've often thought of giving it up to pursue my... my lost love.

The love that was taken from me.

-[PASSING GAS] -I hope that was the espresso machine.

NARRATOR: Michael made the trip to survey the land.

It was, indeed, beautiful.

And the next day, he went to his father to tell him.

-You give that gift to my brother? -Gift? No.

I did not give him a gift. I told you. The money was for investing...

-and that's exactly what I did with it, Pop. -Oh, Michael!

This guy has got nothing in his life. He wrote one song that... madeJoan Baez call him "the shallowest man in the world."

He has a worthless piece of property and, yes, a head of hair... only because he's never had to work for a living.

-Wait. What piece of property's worthless? -The grove. Where he lives.

I mean, you can't build on it. The government has an easement on it.

-Does Oscar know this? -Of course he knows it.

I mean, they run their... their tanks through there.

Occasionally, they stop for a little lemonade, but what's that?

That's a buck fifty. You can't make much from that.

-Indeed, the land was valueless. -[expl*si*n]

-[t*nk RUMBLING] -Fellas! Fellas!

So. Tell me about this investment you made.

NARRATOR: Back at the model home, Lindsay had decided... not to take her stylist's departure lying down.

I'm protesting the w*r. There's a w*r going on, you know?

Yeah, I'm the one who told you, and you said it happened ten years ago.

Hey, isn't this the same sign you used to picket the cable company...

-when they dropped the Style Network? -Actually, I used this one... for Michael when he was too cheap to pay for the premium channels.

But I added the bit about the stylists.

You know that secret you have?

The one about the hair that nobody's supposed to see?

-Hai... -I saw it.

-Oh. -I saw Pop-Pop.

Oh, right. Pop-Pop with hair.

-You know, I should tell my dad about... -No, you... [BEEPS]

He might need us to help him, so we should go check out the prison...

-and make sure he's not there. -[DOOR OPENING]

Oh. Hey, you know, I got cable. You won that one!

[BEEPING] -Michael was embarrassed about the bad investment he'd made... and was hoping to keep it a secret.

Hi, this is Oscar. I'm off, pursuing my lady love.

-Leave a message. I'll get back to you next summer. -[BEEPING]

Hey, it's Michael. I know that you think that you've disappeared...

-but I will find you. -[BEEPS]

-Who's disappeared? -No one.

-Why do you ask? Have you seen someone? -I've seen no one.

-Then you haven't seen anyone that looks like Pop-Pop. -No. Why?

Has someone... who looks like Pop-Pop disappeared?

No. Course not.

Have you seen the agricultural report?

Nothing's hotter than coffee, so... the trend is up.

So, if we could get that check from you...

I'm not just gonna hand out a check, okay?

You gotta come up with an investment plan.

-You gotta call... -Oh, we've got an investment plan.

"Gobias Industries." -Go bias.

-Hmm? -As in, "Go buy us some coffee."

It's great. Looks good.

So, when do I start makin' my moneys?

Well, um, there, uh... there may not be as much investment capital as we thought.

Uh, money's kind of tied up in this land deal.

This is the first any of us at Gobias Industries have heard of a land deal.

-We could borrow on that land. -There's not much to borrow against.

The deal seems to be bad.

It's Uncle Oscar's land, and it may be worthless.

-And the board okayed it? -They weren't notified.

Damn it! Every time, Dad does this to us.

-Gob, Dad really wasn't... -He went around you, around the board...

-He steamrolled Gobias. -Yeah, what are you gonna do?

Go down to that prison and give him a piece of my mind.

-You don't need to do that. -No, I'm doing it!

No, because you're in charge now. And I'm telling him that.

No, no, no, no. Listen, Gob, he's human.

He's a human being, and... let-let me try to get us out of this, you know?

Let me just see if I can get Dad out of this mess that he has created for himself, okay?

I'm afraid... this offer comes off the table... at midnight tonight.

Maybe the worst bluff I've ever seen.

NARRATOR: Even the members of Gobias agreed on that one.

The next day, Lindsay, having heard about a m*llitary exercise... joined a protest group and went off to exercise her own First Amendment rights.

This way! Thank you!

Right here. This way.

I ask you to make sure you're fully inside the free speech zone...

-before beginning your protest. -Free speech zone?

This is where we're protesting? This isn't right. Where are the cameras?

They're in the free press zone, and if you could save your comments until... you're completely loaded into the cage...

Well, at least the procession will come through here. They'll see us protest.

Actually, they're using their right to cut through the lemon grove.

Okay, have fun, enjoy your right to free speech.

The armed forces welcomes your dissent.

Well, hopefully somebody will come by we can protest.

My grand kids. What a surprise.

-Oh, he's here. -Of course I'm here. Where else would I be?

Well, we thought you broke out of prison and were on the I am with stolen hair.

Don't you think that if I got out of here, I might want to go home?

That's what we thought. But then my dad told us about that lemon grove you bought...

-and we thought you were going there. -Yeah, but don't worry.

We would never blow the whistle on family.

What lemon grove?

NARRATOR: And so, Michael went back to the board... to take responsibility for his mistake.

My dad screwed up. He bought something that he shouldn't have.

But I guess... guess that's why he's behind bars.

Yeah. And he's not allowed to conduct any business from there.

[INHALES] Right, yeah. I was involved. It wasn't all his decision.

You see, it was his idea, and then I carried out the transaction.

That's even worse. Conspiracy to commit fraud.

'Course, you can always buy me off the board.

We don't have the money anymore.

And I assure you that nothing illegal has happened here.

I've misspoke.

-My dad in no way is talking about business from prison. -[KNOCKING]

[SOFTLY] Excuse me. Your father's calling from prison.

He wants to talk about the land deal you made with his brother.

-I found this on your desk. Can I keep this? -[WHISTLES]

Back at the free speech zone, Lindsay's protest had started to gain some attention.

But not from any key decision makers.

-Thought we were seein' a gay marriage. -We can still hose 'em down.

-What do we want? -[INDISTINCT CHANTING]

-What do we want? -[CHANTING CONTINUES]

[YELLING, INDISTINCT]

Where's everyone going?

-What, are you giving up? -Face it, Lindsay. They've won.

Well, I'm not going anywhere!

All your water's doing is whetting my appetite for protest.

No hair for oil! No hair for oil!

Fine! We'll drown you out with music.

-Crank it up! I'm in the mood to dance! -? [DISCO]

[VOLUME INCREASES]

And Lindsay discovered that the activism that came out... ofher desire for prettier hair really did boost her self-esteem.

While Michael, with nowhere else to turn... made a rare, unsolicited visit to his mother's.

-Michael? -Yeah.

I hope you're here to bring me a check for Buster's surgery.

They made him stop eating after midnight, and he's hungry, and he's in a foreign land... and his jaw is clicking, and he's scared.

-I don't have the money. All right, Mom? -Then why are you here?

I don't know. I don't know.

So, how's work?

It's-It's not great, Mom, since you asked.

It's-It's just... It's not that great, you know?

I got a board member who's trying to extort me... and a seller I can't find... this whole real estate thing is a total mess...

-I got Dad completely... -What did your father do?

-Did he try to screw something up for you again? -No, no.

He didn't screw anything up. I screwed something up, Mom.

I did it, and Dad is just, you know, furious at me.

And he should be, you know? He told me to pay off his brother, and I didn't.

Instead, I bought his worthless land.

-With the lemons and the tanks? -I know it!

First investment I made with the company money, and it's a total disaster.

Then I went ahead and lied about it, which is gonna let this board member... bring the company down... I'm gonna ruin this family...

-Mom... -[SHUSHING]

-[CONTINUES] -What's this? What's happening?

-It's going to be all right. -Why are you squeezing me with your body?

It's a hug, Michael. I'm hugging you.

-Why? -Because you need your mother right now.

But I don't get along with my... Sorry. That was a knee jerk.

Michael. You made a mistake. You're a human being.

But you're so forgiving to everyone else in this family.

Try being forgiving to yourself.

Now, if you'll excuse me.

-Let Mama take care of it. -No, no.

Mom, come on. I don't want you to do anything. Hey! This isn't algebra.

I'm a big boy. Mother! Do not make somebody dis...

-[DOOR CLOSES] -disappear.

[PHONE RINGING]

[CARTOONISH SOUNDS]

[SHOUTING, JEERING]

Now there's someone who could have used a good mother. Whore!

NARRATOR: And so, before Oscar could leave to find his lady love...

-Oscar! -She found him.

Lucille! You look fantastic!

You still have the neck of a 20-year-old.

And you still have the hair of a lion.

-[LAUGHING] -Take back the land.

That's it? But I thought we could have... this brief moment to... reconnect.

Oscar. Your brother is in jail right now.

-My husband is in jail. -[SIGHING] You're right.

So what's the rush?

-And, the next day... -Michael!

Hey, Mom! Hi. Listen.

I'm sorry about yesterday. It was a moment of weakness.

Now I gotta go into this board meeting. I'm just gonna tell them the truth.

If this guyJordan wants to try to get me fired, then maybe I deserve it.

He's gone. We bought out his shares.

-With what? -With the money you tried to spend on that lemon grove.

You got it back. How?

[SHUSHING]

You know about what I was saying about how people outlive their usefulness?

-That was out of line. -I know.

But you made a good point.

Maybe I do need something to occupy my time, other than my children.

Well, if you do want to spend it together, it's fine with me.

I'm so glad to hear that.

[KISSING SOUNDS]

-[SIGHS] -All right.

Let's get this meeting started.

Why have we been spending so much money on whistles?

On the next Arrested Development...

Michael finds having his mother on the board problematic.

-We have to be courageous. -I remember a young man who used to say...

"But I don't have bad dreams in your bed!"

-[LAUGHING WILDLY] -That was Buster.

Lindsay finds her true calling: I want to be... a cage dancer. [LAUGHING]

-And Oscar comes a-courtin. -? [OSCAR SINGING HIS POP TUNE]

What's that racket?

♪ [ENDS]

Smile.