02x11 - Blue Balls Lagoon

[bunniefuu]

Can't sleep?

No, can't sleep.

You miss her, don't you?

More than words.

It says we're supposed to hug. I ain't hugging you.

Don't be a wiseass, Turtle.

Just read the lines, like Brooke would.

How am I supposed to do that? Focus.

Radiate, emote.

You know, Brooke Shields was the first girl I ever seriously jerked off to.

That's romantic, Drama. You should tell her.

Yeah, Lady Fate knew what she was doing when she delivered her to my doorstep.

You're a couple of scenes on a M.O.W.

It ain't fate and you ain't banging Brooke Shields.

The on-set romance is a time-honored Hollywood tradition.

Wake up! Ain't she married?

Yeah, to a writer.

I mean, come on. Me or a writer?

All right, guys, Let's roll!

We don't want to be late showing up at Terrance's.

Oh, check it out. E's got the shiny hair again.

Hopin' Sloan will be there? Sloan doesn't live with her father, but I am having dinner with her. Nice.

Don't mention that to Terrance. Why, is it a secret?

We're meeting with the head of your agency for your business, not my personal life. Let's go. All right.

What time did you roll in last night, Vince?

Yeah, late night, huh? What, did I break curfew?

Look, if you guys have a question, why don't you just ask it?

Okay, what the f*ck's going on with you and Mandy?

Yeah, what's up, Vince? I didn't know you guys cared.

Come on! All right.

Mandy broke up with Chris, now we're together.

And I'm happy, so don't give me any sh*t.

Tomorrow's her birthday, I gotta do something special.

It's been 24 hours. I think flowers will do.

You should have started dating her next week, bro.

You could've saved yourself some coin.

I remember I broke up with Stacy Laruzso a week before Valentine's Day.

I got back with her a week after.

No chocolates, no roses.

No class.

Pull!

Good sh*t.

I can already see E hanging in the den next to the elk.

Attention to details, Vince, that's the sure-fire way into any woman's heart.

You know, when I was courting Ann-Margret I used to fly in truffles from her favorite bistro in Avignon.

Fly in some steaks from Peter Luger's, Vince. If nothing else, I'll love you forever. Well, actually, Turtle, I was going to suggest a private little dinner party at my restaurant. My treat, of course.

That's sounds great. Is it cool if I invite the guys?

I'd love Mandy to meet the family, maybe take her to Napa for a weekend. Absolutely.

What? You don't like Napa or you don't want to get to know Mandy?

Hey, maybe I'll bring Brooke.

Get to know her so that we feel comfortable for our love scene.

The more the merrier, Johnny.

Now, are you guys just gonna stand here or are you gonna sh**t?

First up, the North Hollywood Paintball Tournament M.V. P. Three years running!

Whose whole family's of Sicilian ancestry?

Your grandmother ran numbers out of a deli, Turtle.

You're far from a made man.

Yeah, we'll see. Pull!

Yeah! I got that!

That was mine! I totally got that!

That was clearly my sh*t. You saw that?

You know, you're a natural with a g*n, Vince.

You should be working with Tarantino.

I'd love to. I've been wanting to meet him since I moved out here.

Really?

How about next week? Seriously?

Most assuredly. Quentin's an old mate of mine.

Who do you think pulled him out of that bloody video store?

Yeah, Vince, let's do a Tarantino movie.

He could revive me like he did for Travolta.

Be more like reviving Freddie 'Boom Boom' Washington.

Listen, Vincent, I've got over 30 years' experience in this business, and the Rolodex that goes with it.

All of which are now at your disposal.

There are no boundaries, just possibilities.

Excuse me.

What's up, Shauna? What are you so chipper about?

I just had a great day sh**ting with Terrance.

Don't put your g*ns away just yet. Why, what's the problem?

Page Six just outed Vince and Mandy. Bang-bang.

"What soon-to-be super actor gets along so swimmingly

"with his engaged co-star that friends say her pending nuptials are drowning?"

How can you let this happen? Me?

Yeah. He's the one doing the swimming.

It's your job to make sure what he does stays out of the papers.

I thought that was her job. It's your job to let me know what needs to be kept out, then I'll keep it out of the papers!

A little less time on the f*ring range, a little more time as a manager, perhaps.

What did you and Terrance talk about anyway?

He offered me your job. I turned him down 'cause your office is too small.

Guys, what am I doing here? I feel like I have a coke problem.

What's the real issue, Ari?

The real issue is that Dana Gordon called and Warner Brothers is very concerned.

You're kidding, right?

You're their million-dollar baby! They don't want you pulling an Angelina Jolie! Or a Russell Crowe.

He broke up Dennis Quaid and Meg Ryan on Proof of Life.

Movie cost 80 mil, did less business than Gigli.

Guys, relax.

Mandy's not even engaged anymore. They broke up.

And you're gonna come off as the reason for that.

The last thing we need is soccer moms in the fly-over states thinking that Aquaman is a homewrecker.

I had a good time last time. I'd love to have dinner with him.

I just don't want to get stuck with the bill again.

Is that the husband?

Brooke's husband, is that him over there?

Oh, I don't know.

Not good-looking.

I'm not saying don't date her.

I'm just saying be discreet.

No hand-holding at The Grove.

No canoodling on Melrose. Canoodling?

No fingerbanging her courtside at the Lakers game.

What? f*ck you guys!

I'm making a point here. No cameras. A Page Six rumor is one thing.

Cover of Us Weekly quite another.

We get it. Jesus! Do you get it, E?

When he goes out, I want you and the retards to be with him.

If anyone tries to take a picture you, go f*cking Sean Penn on them.

Hey, when did you get this Robert Neitsch?

Good eye. I just hung her.

And it's Nitch, by the way. Really?

I paid for it with Eva Longoria's commission. That's how I roll.

Nitch is Mandy's favorite artist. I thought Beyoncé was.

Don't be mean to Mandy just because you're mad at me.

Ari, will you let me buy this painting for Mandy's birthday?

Are you nuts? Maybe.

What do you say? Are you serious?

Yeah, how much? It's $100,000...

E, talk to your boy, please. For you?

Why? Terrance would sell it to him.

sh*t, he'd probably give it to him. That's how I roll.

Lloyd, you were an Art History major at Sarah Lawrence College, right? Yes, I was.

Then you know how to pull this down off the wall.

Grab it and put it down in Vinnie's car. Chop-chop!

You feeling the love? How much? $100,000?

For you? Free. Think of it as a start gift for Aquaman.

You gave me a juice maker for Queens Boulevard. We must be moving up.

Like the g*dd*mn Jeffersons. Come here.

Tell Terrance to top that, little man.

So Brooke looked at you, huh, Drama?

You know what? To hell with you guys.

I know when I'm vibing. Me and Brooke, we're vibing.

Hello, Kathy. Hey, Vince.

Just four. No, there's gonna be five.

There is? Yeah, Mandy's joining us.

We're supposed to lay low. What if somebody takes a picture?

E, relax. This is Jerry's, not The lvy.

Do you see any paparazzi?

You never know where these scumbags are hiding.

These guys are right. Why do you think I always sit next to you in restaurants?

Just in case. All right, take it easy.

I want to enjoy my tuna melt. We're worried about you.

Yeah, Vince. We don't wanna see this girl crush you again.

All right, guys, stop it. Here she is.

Now, be nice.

Especially you, E. I'm always nice.

Hi. Hi. Hi.

No kiss, no kiss. I just got an earful from my publicist.

You, too, huh? Good.

Let's keep you guys separated. Ah, you must be E.

I've heard so much about you. It's nice to finally meet you.

You too.

You look cute.

Really? I just got out of the gym.

Still cute.

So, how are you guys?

It's been a while.

Everything good, Johnny?

I'm doing an M.O.W. With Brooke Shields.

Couldn't be better.

Great! What about you, Turtle?

Oh, just working hard, you know?

Well, how nice is this? All of us together.

Wow, he's good.

All right, she's great. What do you want me to say?

That's all I want you to say.

She thinks you're great, too.

You left her two seconds ago, you're texting her already?

Nuts, huh?

Have you ever seen me like this? No.

Oh, I'm in deep.

After one day? No, not one day!

We look at it like we've been dating for five years with a four-and-half-year break.

What? Like of all people you don't know that feeling?

No, I know it. I know it. I still think you should cancel the dinner. Why?

Because Jerry's Deli is one thing, all right? The Geisha House is completely different. There's gonna be paparazzi there.

I've never let the press control my life, I'm not gonna start now.

This whole movie could fall apart. You heard Ari.

What's the real problem here?

Come on, E, don't hold back!

I think it's a little much after one day!

This girl dumped you! She turned down your marriage proposal.

You don't really know the story.

I know she dumped her fiancé three weeks before the wedding.

Look, she just doesn't sound stable.

I don't know about you either lately.

You've known me almost 25 years.

If you can't get this then maybe you shouldn't come to the party.

Maybe I shouldn't. No, I don't think you should.

Fine.

Okay, everybody. Thanks for coming.

Sorry we haven't gotten the scripts to you earlier, but we were working into the wee hours making it sing.

Look at that hair. I'm out.

Also, unfortunately, Joe Mantegna has dropped out.

We're gonna be great. We're gonna be great.

We're gonna get started in just a second.

Hey, pal.

The A.D. S want a word with you. About what?

Hi. Hi.

Johnny. Brooke.

I know who you are.

I'm playing Little Rick. We've got a couple of nice scenes together.

Yeah, it should be fun. Yeah.

You know what time it is? Oh, sorry, no watch.

Yeah, I noticed you don't wear any jewelry.

No, I never really have.

Yeah, me neither. No watch, no bracelet, no ring.

Oh.

I just wanted to run something by you before I pitch it to the director.

Sure. What is it?

In the comforting scene... Yeah.

I thought that maybe a little kiss might add some pathos.

A kiss? Yeah, nothing crazy.

More in love than lust.

You're playing my brother.

Really? I didn't even get a full script.

Your brother. That would be weird.

Yeah.

So, what do you say we save the kiss?

Okay.

Okay. Rain check it is.

So, your dad is pretty good with a g*n.

You should see him with a crossbow. You serious?

Oh, yeah. He's great with all weapons.

And he's even better with his bare knuckles.

Really? Was he on the boxing team at Oxford or something?

Oxford? No.

You have the wrong idea about my father.

He didn't even finish high school. Really?

I can't believe that. He seems so polished.

You don't have to be afraid of him.

Oh, I know. Why would I be afraid of a bare-knuckle brawler who's proficient in all weapons?

He likes you. Really?

He barely acknowledged me at skeet sh**ting.

That's 'cause he knows that I like you.

Did he say anything about the party? Nope.

Should I say something to him?

Nope.

All right. He said you disinvited him.

I didn't disinvite him.

Well, that's what he said.

He called me unstable.

You have been acting a little unstably, Vin.

You want me to reinvite him to the party?

Yeah. No, only if he asks.

Real mature.

Yo. Blue Lagoon, Endless Love, Muppets Take Manhattan.

It's gonna be Brooke marathon. Great!

All I can tell you is that in the year I was out of town Vince slept with almost all of my friends.

And he never told any of them he was in love, so maybe he is.

Yeah, well, I don't know why he's lying to me for.

Guys lie to their friends and tell them that they're not in love.

They don't usually lie and tell them they are.

That lie they save for the girls.

He's certainly acting crazy enough.

Did I tell you he got her a Robert Nitch painting for her birthday?

A Robert Neitsch? Is it Neitsch?

Ari said Nitch. It's Neitsch.

And, wow! He bought her a Robert Neitsch?

That's really expensive.

Actually, Ari pulled it off the wall and gave it to him, but still...

Oh, my God. What's so funny?

It's a fake. What do you mean?

I mean, Ari's notorious for hanging forgeries in his office to impress his clients.

Oh, please tell me you're kidding. No.

And I don't know if it's true, but my father told me he changed the numbers on his wife's Mercedes so she thinks she's driving around in a 600, and really it's a five.

Oh, that's crazy. Yeah.

What's crazy is to fight with your best friend over a girl, especially a girl you're not even interested in.

You should go to the party.

You should go with me.

I would love to.

Looking for an exchange?

Something like that.

I smell trouble.

The unannounced drop-by, huh?

You making a habit of this, E?

You're not gonna believe this.

Vince got offered $300,000 for this painting.

He wants to sell it.

It was a gift. Come on, that would be rude.

Yeah, but he's gonna split the profits with you.

I'm not in the art game for the profits.

I'm in it for the love of the work.

I know it's a fake, Ari.

Cut the bullshit. It's a fake?

So, I'm giving out fake paintings?

Do you want to see the certificate of authenticity?

Yeah, I do.

Define the term fake, Eric.

Because three years ago Vincent Chase sat in this office, shook my hand and told me I was his agent. Was that a fake?

What are you talking about? I'm talking about the Quentin-m*therf*cking-Tarantino meeting that was set up outside of this office.

Terrance works inside this office. He's your boss.

If you guys have a problem, then you figure it out.

But Vince isn't gonna pass on a Quentin Tarantino meeting that you couldn't get.

It's a jerkoff general!

My six-year-old could get that meeting!

Your six-year-old could have painted this sh*t, too!

Tarantino is probably holed up in a Vegas penthouse with half a dozen Thai hookers writing his next script which no one has seen!

For all we know, he's probably writing about Wu Tzu Chi, the lesbian empress of the Ming dynasty!

You want Vince to play a dictator d*ke?

If it's a good role.

Come on, man!

I'm not gonna argue with you, Ari.

I'm on my way to an art appraiser.

Care to stop me?

Does Vince know about this?

No.

But I might tell your wife she's driving around in a 500.

You better f*cking fix this, Ari.

Before the party.

Hey, buddy, don't mind me. Just be a minute.

What are you doing?

Hanging some sheetrock. What does it look like I'm doing?

That's my anniversary present.

No, honey.

This is.

And, action!

Couldn't sleep?

You miss her, don't you?

Yeah, more than words.

She's in a better place.

It's okay.

It's okay.

It's okay.

He's hard.

What? He is hard.

Cut! Cut! Cutting!

Why does he have my painting? I don't know.

Well, what did he say? He said he'll be here.

When? I don't know, Vince.

This is a '59 Latour from my private collection.

That ought to do the trick.

Look, John, even Hilary Swank got fired from Beverly Hills, 90210.

Paul Giamatti was let go on Frasier.

I was actually fired from a TV show that will remain nameless. Roswell?

I never had a job, sorry.

The point is that everyone gets fired sometimes.

It's what you do afterwards that counts.

Yeah, but to fire me just because I wasn't attracted to her.

That's callous.

Hit me again. Bring the Kendall Jackson.

Cork the '59.

Well, Vince, enjoy the rest of the evening.

I have to get home to my 18-month-old son Beckett.

He has a happy knack of waking me at 4:30 in the morning.

Happy birthday, darling. Thank you.

Thank you, Terrance. Hey, cheer up.

Thank you, Terrance. Good night.

Guess it just wasn't meant to be, Drama.

Sorry, Johnny. Vin.

Well, look what we have here.

We were about to start hanging signs on trees.

"Miniature Irish Setter. Answers to the name of E."

I'm sorry, guys. It's totally my fault.

I was having a major fashion disaster.

Happy birthday, sweetie! Thank you.

You two know each other? Yeah, from Barry's Bootcamp.

Let's get a drink.

Yeah, let's do that.

I thought you sold it and moved to Mexico.

I just had it detailed.

So, are you gonna stay for dinner?

Yeah, I'm staying for dinner.

Open mine next. Open mine next.

I feel so bad. You guys did not have to get me gifts.

Oh, we wanted to. Maybe you'll wanna get us gifts when our birthdays roll around, say August 6th?

Viking Quest: The Complete Series.

That's from both of us.

Thank you. Cool!

I'll sign that for you if you want. Me too.

All right, my turn.

I've been wondering what that was all night.

Hopefully this will make up for the last birthday we spent together.

Unless you ran her dog over, I'm guessing it might.

Oh, my God.

That's real, too.

Vince, you are crazy.

I can't believe that you did this.

The second I saw it I knew you had to have it.

How did you remember that I love Neitsch?

I remember everything about you. And it's Nitch.

No, it's not.

It's Neitsch.

You guys, I...

I really want to thank you so much for being a part of tonight.

I really forgot what a family you guys are.

I'm just very happy.

To family! To Mandy!

To Mandy and Vince!

Cheers! Cheers!