02x12 - Good Morning Saigon

[bunniefuu]

What's up?

It is 9:30! Do you know where your only client is?

Testing out the new emergency assh*le system, Ari?

Vince missed his physical this morning.

No physical, no insurance.

No insurance, no movie.

Yeah, I know all about it. I'm handling it.

When? As soon as he resurfaces.

Nice Aquaman lingo. At least one of you is committed to this f*cking movie.

Bye, Ari. Hey, take this seriously, E.

Got MILF?

Thank you. Superhero or no superhero, it's downright rude to be this tardy.

Maybe we should get him a driver. He's got a driver.

It's not my fault. I'm on call, but I need to be called.

Besides, he coulda took a cab.

Nobody takes cabs in L.A., Turtle.

'Cause no one can figure out what color they are.

They got blue ones, green ones, red ones, white ones.

f*ck a city where the cabs aren't monochromatic yellow.

Uh-huh. Here he is.

Oh, hey, Aquaman.

Mandy finally let you out of her web? Sorry I'm late.

You know how hard it is to break away from a good spooning.

What are we eating? We already ate.

Just for the record, I took the liberty of ordering you this beautiful egg white frittata. Where is it?

E had 'em clear it.

In all fairness, the cheese was starting to congeal.

That's what happens when you leave your breakfast sitting on the table for 45 minutes. I get it.

I shouldn't have kept you guys waiting. I'm sorry.

No, you don't get it. You f*cked up.

You missed your physical. Oh, f*ck.

I totally forgot. We overslept.

You're gonna have 4:00 A.M. Call times. Those gonna be a problem?

No, no problem. Scout's honor.

So, what else? You got weapons instruction at 2:00.

You're gonna learn how to use Aquaman's claw.

Sweet!

What? Maybe now's not a good time to ask, but I kind of told Mandy I'd go house-hunting with her.

Anyway, we can push it back, right?

Just an hour. Come on, don't be irresponsible.

Irresponsible?

You know, maybe we should pick up the Maserati before we all start saying things we regret.

Where's the Maserati? Police impound.

Got stolen right in front of Nacional last night.

Guy loses a $100,000 car, which I gave him, and he's calling me irresponsible.

Barbara Miller's on the phone for you.

She's Mandy Moore's agent. I know who the f*ck she is.

Go get me a kava berry shake with a pinch of bee pollen, all right, Lloyd? What do you got, Babs?

I got a giant f*cking migraine is what I got.

I'll give you one of my famous shoulder massages.

You remember those from the old days? I do, Ari.

I also remember you threatened to sue me for sexual harassment right before I fired you.

Didn't we settle out of court? Enough flirting, Ari.

I want you to listen the f*ck up. What's the problem?

The problem is your client Vincent Chase is about to destroy 10 years of my hard work.

I need some face-to-face before this gets ugly.

I'll wear something clingy. You do that.

I'm telling you, once your car's been stolen, it never runs the same again.

It's like a guy sleeping with your girl.

He leaves his mark all over her.

And how does a car know it's been stolen?

Ask the Buddhists, bro.

They believe everything's got a soul, even a toaster oven.

Hey, Shauna, what's up? Break out your composition notebook, and I want you to write 1,000 times, "I promise to control my client."

What now? This week's Us Weekly, three-page spread of Vince and Mandy, including pictures of them massaging produce at Bristol Farms.

I told you Vince wasn't gonna let the press control his life.

Pictures were inevitable. f*ck you, Eric.

These look like they're posing for them.

Didn't I say f*cking soy milk, Christy? Come on!

Soy milk's got more fat than regular milk...

Don't be a wise-ass.

It's the other line, Shauna. Be well. Hey.

Hey, idiot. Hey, what's up, assh*le?

Listen, I know about the Us Weekly pictures.

I'm not worried. What does worry you, Eric?

You're just so f*cking calm, so poised, it makes me want to smack you. Go for it. I gotta go.

I'm not calling about Us Weekly pictures.

Be here in 30 minutes. Why? What's up?

We're going to hell, so bring your sunblock.

Sir, how long is this gonna take?

Five minutes less than when you asked last time.

I need the keys to the Hummer.

Where are you running? I got a meeting with Ari.

About what? Who the f*ck knows?

I'll meet you at Warners'. Make sure he's on time.

You're being very hard on me today, E.

Hey, Lloyd. Wrong way, Eric.

Today we're in the w*r room. Follow me.

w*r room? It's really just a conference room, but Ari likes to refer to it as "the w*r room."

Makes him feel like a gladiator.

Everybody's waiting for you. Who's everybody?

Mandy's people, and they don't look happy.

But don't worry, I got you your favorite, Mrs. Beasley's chocolate chip muffins. Thanks, Lloyd.

Little memory trick when they introduce themselves, word association.

Like, you say "Eric Murphy," and I think, "loser."

Like "Ari Gold," "douchebag"? Mmm-hmm.

Hey, everybody, this is Vinnie's manager Eric Murphy.

Say hello to Mandy's manager Phyllis, Mandy's music agent Mark, Mandy's publicist Stan, her attorney Jeff, her music manager Craig, and most importantly, her theatrical agent and one of my earliest mentors, Barbara Miller.

So, Ari, who's gonna be running this shindig, you or me?

You've got the biggest cock in the room, Babs. Why don't you kick it off?

Oh, I don't know about that, Ari.

We haven't seen Eric's yet.

Yo, Vince, this sh*t is hot. Who is it?

No clue. Sounds like Eminem to me.

What do you know about hip-hop, Drama?

Are you crazy, bro? I'm O.G.

O. G? The last hip-hop CD you bought was the Kid 'N Play box set.

So who is it then? I never heard it before.

Yeah, me neither.

Since when does E listen to rap music?

"Saigon." Four tracks.

It's a demo? No way that's E's.

He knows as much about the rap music business as Willie Nelson.

So this idiot thief forgot his demo?

How lazy could this guy be?

It's got his address and his phone number on it.

We should call the cops.

This Saigon could be a three-strike offender.

We could put him away for life.

Oh, yeah, you are truly O.G., Johnny.

Yo, Vince, think about this song for the end of QB, you on the screen, the rain pouring down.

You say, "I am Queens Boulevard." Bang, this song comes on.

That's a good idea, Turtle. I'll call Walsh, set up the meeting.

Yeah? Yeah, I'll go with you.

No, you go alone. No way I'm telling Walsh how to score his movie.

That guy's crazy.

So, Vince miss meetings a lot, Eric?

No, not really. 'Cause Mandy doesn't miss meetings.

Mandy doesn't ever miss meetings.

Cool. In fact, Mandy hasn't missed a meeting in 15 years.

She's never even been late. Once, but that was during the riots.

Wow. Sounds like you have a tremendously punctual client.

This is not f*cking funny, Eric.

No, it's not. So why don't you tell me why I'm here?

You're here because Vince isn't the only one who missed a meeting today. Mandy did, too.

What are you saying? Vince is a bad influence?

Eric, we both know Vince has f*cked half the actresses in this town.

Mandy, on the other hand, is a good girl.

You gonna sit there and let them bad-mouth Vince like this?

Thought that was a compliment. Nobody's bad-mouthing Vince.

Yeah, we love Vince. Vince is adorable.

They're just asking you, as his personal manager, to get Vince to put this relationship on hold until the movie's over.

Ari, the guy's in love. He's not going to put his relationship on hold.

But I promise you he will be where he needs to be.

You guys do the same thing with Mandy and we'll be fine.

Okay? We done? Nice meeting you.

Eric.

You don't want to wind up spinning dough at that f*cking pizza place again, do you?

Told her a little bit about you.

Listen, Babs, you don't want to talk to me like that.

'Cause I don't care who you are. Yes, I am Vince's manager, but we've also been best friends since we were six years old, and I don't appreciate sitting in a room discussing his personal life with a bunch of f*ckin' strangers.

Eric... You sandbag me like that again, we're gonna have a big f*ckin' problem.

We have a big f*ckin' problem right now!

If you don't take this seriously, the whole f*ckin' movie's gonna go down in flames.

I told you I had it under control. Really?

Yeah. I didn't tell you this.

Tell me what? This stays between the two of us.

Speak, Ari! You have to take this seriously.

You can't tell Vince, 'cause it will freak him out.

You promise me?

I promise. All right.

James Cameron called.

And? He said that Vince can be replaced.

Going down? It looks like we all are.

Look, I'm sorry about that pizza remark.

Sorry I came back at you so hard.

You were just doing what you were supposed to do.

Protecting your client, right? That's right.

So who else do you represent, Eric?

Oh, right. Just Vince.

You want to start in again, Barbara?

My point is I have 100 clients.

So if I'm this worried about one of 100, how worried should you be about one of one?

That's some apology, Barbara.

Hey, Billy. Oh!

What, did the kids run away from home?

I'll call the front desk. I'll have them send up a futon.

We're not here for a sleepover, Bill. Oh, really?

Well, what are you here for then?

I'm here to get a couple of my scenes put back in the movie.

I got a hot song for Queens Boulevard.

Thanks, but no thanks. I'm scoring the whole thing myself with a sitar.

What else? Come on, Billy.

You know the studio ain't gonna release the movie with that music you had in at Sundance.

You need a bangin' soundtrack.

I don't give a f*ck if they release it.

All I care about is if it's the best movie it could be.

You put my liquor store meltdown scene back in, you get an Independent Spirit Award guaranteed.

Guys, I got a busy day.

Just give it a listen. No.

Why not? Because I already picked the songs.

I don't want my head getting confused.

Billy, I know music. All right? Trust me.

All right, but I want Johnny's watch.

What?

No problem. Give him your watch.

I ain't givin' him my watch.

I'll put the liquor store scene back in and I'll listen to the song.

Deal.

I was gonna put that scene back in anyway.

Now play your funky music, white boy.

I love it.

End titles.

That's exactly what I was thinking.

We got $10,000 left for music, that's it. Who owns the rights?

Great job, Turtle. You just sold a song you don't own.

You know what my pops used to say?

"I wish I had a daughter"?

No. "Sell it, don't smell it."

Don't worry, we'll get the rights.

How? We'll wing it, my man.

What the f*ck is the matter with you, Vince?

That's the 17th whale you've k*lled today.

They're the biggest targets, Dale.

Yes, and they are also Aquaman's biggest friends.

You k*ll the whales, and then all you've got left is you and a pod of pissed-off sharks.

An hour late. Must have been some meeting.

Yeah. How's it going in here? Not going worth a sh*t.

The boy here has k*lled more whales than the Japanese fishing fleet.

This thing is impossible. You gotta focus.

You don't think I'm focused? You k*lled 17 whales?

And three dolphins, also Aquaman amigos.

Jesus. It's a f*cking claw, E!

They just invented this. Nobody's ever used this before.

Stop crying. I'm gonna get some more harpoons.

All right, E.

What's up?

Obviously something has upset you.

A lot of people are upset you missed your physical.

What people? Ari? No, Mandy's people too.

They were there? Why? They think you're a bad influence.

Me? It was her alarm clock that didn't go off.

Come on, Vince, really. No, you come on.

You actually sat in a meeting and discussed my personal life?

No, as soon as I figured out what they wanted, I told them all to f*ck off.

You told Barbara Miller to f*ck off?

Yeah. Nobody talks sh*t about you except me.

Good looking out, E.

Are we in this together? Of course we are.

You promise me you're not gonna f*ck up this movie?

E, I wouldn't f*ck up my career over a girl.

Any girl. Never.

You believe me, right? Yeah.

But... But what?

You still seem a little freaked out. No, I'm good.

E?

I shouldn't tell you this. No, come on, E, we don't hold sh*t back from each other, remember?

Ari made me promise. So you crossed your fingers, right?

Yeah, of course. So what is it?

Cameron called this morning. And?

He said you can be replaced.

This is crazy coming down here not strapped.

You don't even own a g*n, Drama.

I don't need a g*n, Turtle.

All I needed was my nunchucks, but you wouldn't stop by the house.

Why? So you're gonna walk down Slauson Boulevard with nunchucks stickin' out of your back pocket?

No, I would have concealed them in my Frye boots.

Your pants are so taped you'd never be able to get 'em out.

Look how tight these things are. Get off 'em.

Yo, this is it. 345.

Just so you know, if anything goes down, it's every man for himself.

What are you two selling?

We're looking for Saigon?

You wouldn't happen to be "Miss Saigon" would you?

Oh, good. Like I've never heard that sh*t before.

What you looking for my son for?

We want to make him rich.

What are you, drug dealers?

Oh, no, no, we're music guys.

Actually I'm an actor, ma'am.

You might have seen me on 227 back in 1994.

It is 3:30 on a Wednesday. What would my boy be doing home?

Would you mind telling us where we could find him?

At work. 5577 Rodeo Drive.

Don't you mean Ro-day-o?

South of Jefferson it's called Roh-deo.

Stop being so white, Drama.

I just can't believe he'd fire me because I missed a physical.

Well, it's not just the physical, Vince.

He knows about you and Mandy.

I talked to him about me and Mandy. He gets it.

Well, what do you want me to tell you?

Tell me why anyone would bother James Cameron with the news that I missed a physical.

Actors reschedule physicals all the time.

What can I say, Vince? There's nothing to say.

I just... I don't believe it.

So, what? You think Ari's lying?

Hey, Lloyd. Hey, boys.

Did James Cameron call this morning?

I was at the dentist this morning.

Annual cleaning. We'll ask Ari.

He's in a staff meeting.

We'll wait. Thanks, Lloyd.

What's up, player?

What are you doing? Saying hello.

Don't be ignorant, Turtle.

You can't just waltz in here and say "hello."

You gotta show respect. Walk the walk and talk the talk.

Where the f*ck do you think we are, Drama?

Trust me, Turtle, this ain't your neighborhood body shop.

It's a whole 'nother scene.

Hello, gentlemen, I'm Robin. How can I help you?

How you doin', girl?

We're looking for a silky-smooth rhyming cat named Saigon.

Was that English?

He's out back. Thank you.

Excuse me. One of you guys Saigon?

That depends.

What you want?

Circular motions will keep the rag marks off that beast.

We want to talk to Saigon about this.

Where'd you get that?

Yo, don't sweat it, bro. We ain't the po-pos.

Who the f*ck are you calling "bro"?

Take it easy, coz. I'm Saigon. Where'd you get that from?

Found it in our Maserati.

Yeah, the one that was stolen out in front of Nacional last night?

Stolen? It was Vincent Chase's car.

Vinnie Chase, the actor? Mmm-hmm.

sh*t.

You said it was Steve Berman's from Interscope, dumbass!

That's what the m*therf*cker drives.

How should I know there's two of the same damn car at one place?

Listen, man, we might have dropped my demo in your car, but we ain't take it for a ride.

Try selling that to the judge.

What judge you talking about, m*therf*cker?

Look, I want to use one of your tracks in Vince's new movie.

Is there any brothers in this movie?

Yeah, I think I saw one in that bar scene.

Man, f*ck that. Hold out for John Singleton's next movie.

I got 10 Gs for a track, fellas.

All right. You give me that paper, and you two got yourself a client.

That is why y'all here, right?

Y'all want to manage me.

Not me, I got my own flourishing career to manage.

Yeah? What you do? Tries to act like he isn't Ret*rded.

I'm the manager. I'd be thrilled if you let me represent you.

Yeah, and I'd be thrilled if I get 10 Gs.

I hear that. What's up?

Uh-oh. You boys look angry.

If there was plastic on the floor, I'd think I was about to be whacked.

Did James Cameron call you today, Ari?

You promised me you wouldn't tell.

He crossed his fingers.

You looked me in the face and you promised.

Did he call?

You little untrustworthy cocksucker!

Yes or no? Did James Cameron call?

Yes, he did.

And I called E to motivate him to motivate you.

That was my mistake, trusting E, and for that I apologize.

I can't believe it. Believe it!

James Cameron cares about every detail of all of his movies.

You should call him. No, you should not.

You should go back to doing your job.

I'm gonna call him. Put the phone down.

I'm going to assure him that I won't ever be late again.

Please, Vinnie, put the phone down. Why?

Because, like Mandy, you have never missed a meeting before.

That's why this is troubling.

To Cameron? To me!

He didn't call?

No, he did not call. Jesus Christ.

No, you're f*cking pathological.

Listen, read Jack Welch, Tony Robbins, Phil Jackson.

Motivation! This sh*t works!

You want to be Shaq or Kobe?

Michael or Scottie? Damon or Affleck?

Do you want to be out of our lives?

'Cause this could seriously be the end of you.

I am your biggest fan. I think you are this close to being the biggest movie star on the planet, but you are slipping.

Over a girl?

I've never seen you like this before, and it worries me.

Worry about yourself. He's fine. No, E, he's right to worry about me.

You both are. f*ck, I'm worried about me.

Look at me. I've been lying to you guys like a f*cking drug addict.

I didn't oversleep.

I didn't want to go.

I never want to leave her side, not for five seconds.

I've never been like this in my life, guys.

And the truth of the matter is, I don't even give a f*ck about the movie anymore.

I could live with Mandy in a one-bedroom in Chatsworth and I'd be happy.

It's nuts, but it's the truth.

Vinnie... No, Ari, there's nothing more to say. I'm sorry I lied. Vince!

You think he bought it?

You m*therf*cker.

Let him sleep on that. Keep walking.

Well, did it ever occur to you that a 7:00 dinner in Santa f*cking Monica is too early?

I'm sorry, baby. I had a bad day. I will be there.

I would not leave you alone with my mother.

I know what could happen. Love and kisses.

Ernesto, where's my car?

It's on its way, Mr. Gold.

Mr. McQuewick, he called down also.

How are things, Ari?

Couldn't be better, Terrance, although it's 6:30.

You're usually out of here by noon, so this is a little odd, no?

Why was Barbara Miller at the offices today?

Vinnie came down with a little case of puppy love, but it's under control.

Control's a funny thing, isn't it, Ari?

You don't realize how little of it you have until you actually have none of it at all.

Keep track of your boy, Ari.

I'll be watching you.

Cheerio!

This looks phenomenal!

Nice, Drama. Hey, hey, hey...

I figured the family needed a little get-together.

With you gone the last few days, it's been a little off around here.

We had dinner together on Wednesday.

We missed you, bro. Thanks, Johnny.

Bang!

Turtle, this isn't dinner music.

Don't be a hater just 'cause you're not the only manager in the house.

The guy's the next Russell Simmons. Who would have thunk it?

To Saigon. To Aquaman.

To the family being together again. Yes.

Cheers.

It's Ari.

Oh, this ought to be good.

I better check up on that roast.

Hey, Ari, what's up?

What's up is it's intervention time, baby. This is the plan.

For $5,000 I can get a cult deprogrammer to come in and brainwash Vinnie.

My sister Eileen went to the Cornell Summer Program in '88, came back a f*ckin' Moonie.

Three sessions later and, bam, she's a Pilates instructor in Tenafly.

He wants to have an intervention.

What should I say? I don't know. Improvise.

That sounds like a great idea, Ari.

You should have him meet us in Napa.

What's up in Napa? You guys crushing grapes with Coppola?

See, after your conversation with Vince, he had a major meltdown.

Feels he let you down, so he just jumped in the car and drove up.

You f*cking kidding me? Vince driving, can you believe that?

That's how f*cked up he is.

I'm behind him on the road about 30 miles right now.

He won't stop or answer his cell phone.

Says he's gonna shack up at Auberge du Soleil and never come back.

I could use your help up there.

That's like a seven-hour drive. No sh*t.

The traffic's not that bad, but you know, whatever, Ari.

Keep your phone on. I'm heading north.

You think he bought it? Hook, line, and sinker.

Way to sell it!

Hey, hey, hey, you guys ready for some roast?

Yes, that looks good, Drama.