Once upon a second time around...
...in a mythical land
between Carmine and Mulberry streets...
...two mere mortals were having
a wonderful time.
This is the gangster
I was telling you about.
Gangster? No. No gangster.
Come, this way.
Grazie.
This is Paolo.
This is my girlfriend, Carrie.
Bread?
You've never called me
your girlfriend before.
Sure, I have. Just not to your face.
Bravo!
And now you wise guy,
come on, it's your turn.
-Come on, come on.
-Me? Okay.
-Not funny, Mr. Sambuca.
-Relax, I'm a regular.
A regular?
I'd Iike to dedicate this song
to the Iovely Iady sitting right over there.
"When I was
"It was a very good year
"It was a very good year
"For small town girls
and soft summer nights
"We'd hide from the Iights
"In the village green
"When I was "
It was perfect.
I felt like I was in heaven.
Meanwhile across town,
Miranda was in hell...
Douche products....
...or its modern day equivalent:
the comedy club.
-Are we having fun yet?
-When does the comedy start?
I've never been this close to su1c1de.
Not p*ssy....
-I'II get the check.
-If you ditch me in this place...
...I will hunt you down and k*ll you.
Alan Miller was a divorced architect she
met in aisle three at the Food Emporium.
They immediately bonded
over a shared hatred of designer croutons.
If all I was interested in was freshness...
...then I would be f*cking my salad crisper!
Yo, Red.
You wanna answer your f*ckin' phone?
It's not my phone.
Go ahead. Answer it.
Answer it!
AIan Miller's phone.
No, this is his date. Who's this?
Who is it?
I'm sorry, his date can't speak right now.
Whom may I say is calling?
His wife!
Numb-nuts, your wife's on the phone.
You told me you were divorced.
I'm not really divorced.
I'm really separated.
No, we're really separated.
See, this is me, separating.
Red, not so fast.
I'II f*ck you.
Honey....
If they're not married, they're gay,
or b*rned from a divorce...
...or aliens from the planet
"Don't date me."
It's amazing how many
of them walk among us.
Only recognizable by their
slightly Iarger heads.
I asked him, point blank:
"How Iong have you been divorced?"
"Three years." Just Iike that.
Guys are such Iiars.
percent of them can't f*ck you
worth a damn!
He tells me how much he Iikes me,
and boom, I believe him.
-Am I that needy?
-Maybe he really did Iike you.
If you "Pollyanna-out" on me today...
...I'II have to hit you with this rice pudding.
This married man...
...fell madly in Iove with my friend,
Amanda's friend, Ashley...
...and he said he would
get a divorce and he did.
They got married, moved to Connecticut
and he is this amazing husband and father.
-Never happened.
-Excuse me?
Urban relationship myth.
Unbelievable fairy tales
concocted by women...
...to make their Iove Iives
seem Iess hopeless.
Except it makes you feel
even more hopeless...
...because this fabulous, magical
relationship is never happening to you.
It did happen.
Like the one about the guy
who couldn't commit...
...and the woman broke up with him
and moved to Kansas.
-One night, she comes walking home--
-In the rain!
AIways, in the rain.
He stands there in front of her door
with an engagement ring.
He says, "Marry me,"
and they Iive happily ever after.
But, it can happen.
People do Iive happily ever after.
It happened to my friend, Amanda's friend.
It's always a friend who knows a friend....
Honey.
Have you ever known anyone who's
relationship changed magically overnight?
Yes.
Look at Carrie and Big.
Their relationship is totally
different than before.
How?
How is it different?
It just is.
I can't explain it.
I can, but you're so scary right now,
I won't.
No, really, tell me.
It's just a feeling.
Something shifted....
Maybe we both know that...
...if we came together again
it must be for a reason.
Why is that so hard to believe?
How much time have you got?
That afternoon, I got to thinking
about myths and relationships.
Heroes, boyfriends, Cyclopses,
divorced guys.
Are they really that different?
The primitive Greeks
clung desperately to myths...
...to explain the random hopelessness
of their miserable lives.
Do modern day singles
need modern day myths...
...just to help us get through our random
and sometimes miserable relationships?
What about Big and me?
After what seemed like an eternity of not
quite fitting together, we suddenly fit.
Had the relationship God smiled?
Or was that something
I desperately needed to believe?
Are we willing to believe anything to date?
While Samantha had little belief
in the idea of happily ever after...
...she had a strong belief in the idea...
...of a smart cocktail at the end
of the work day.
Samantha, a Cosmopolitan
and Donald Tr*mp.
You don't get more New York than that.
I gotta go.
Think about it.
I'II be at my office at Tr*mp Tower.
Excuse me.
I was so distracted by your beauty...
...I think I just agreed
to finance Mr. Tr*mp's new project.
You owe me million dollars.
Will you take a check?
May I buy you a drink?
I have one, thanks.
Can I buy you an island?
-I don't know, can you?
-The name's Ed.
Samantha.
So, Samantha, do you come here often?
Honey, that Iine's older than you are.
You are a p*stol.
You have no idea.
A bottle of their best champagne later...
...Samantha had learned
that Ed was single, available...
...and a millionaire many, many times over.
What's your age ceiling with men?
Fifty?
Factor in millions and millions of dollars.
Fifty?
Well, I just met the cutest older man.
How old, fifty?
Sixty?
-Is he on Medicare?
-I'm guessing .
A young .
Your silence reeks of ageism.
-Are you serious?
-He took me to dinner at Jean Georges.
We got right in, no reservation needed.
I wasn't aware that Jean Georges
had an early bird special.
He's vibrant and powerful and generous.
He's just Iooking for someone
to have a Iittle fun with.
Would that include bedroom fun?
We haven't discussed it yet.
Are you telling me that you are seriously
capable of having sex with a senior?
You know the saying:
"AII cats Iook the same in the dark."
It was pure urban legend.
Alligators in the sewer,
pets in the microwave...
...and now an old man and Samantha.
Is this a piece of veal
or is this a piece of veal?
That is a piece of veal.
In every myth, there comes a point
when the mere mortals are given a test.
The way they respond usually determines
whether they find paradise...
...or are tied to a big rock for all eternity.
I have a huge request.
I want you to know my friends better.
I know your friends fine.
Charlotte is the brunette.
Miranda is the redhead.
And Samantha is trouble.
I want them to know you better.
They've never really spent time with you...
...and you're so funny and cute.
What is it you need?
I want us all to have dinner
Saturday night at Denial.
Denial was a very popular
Manhattan hot spot.
Apparently, everyone in Manhattan
wanted to be "in Denial."
Okay.
Why are you suddenly so--
-Cute?
-Yes.
Why are you so cute?
Hello?
Where are you?
I've been waiting here forever.
Didn't you get the message
I Ieft on your machine an hour ago?
No. Is everything all right?
I thought you were dead or something.
I'm fine. I'm at Big's.
You're at Big's?
You and I are having dinner tonight.
Well, he got this veal.
You blew me off for a piece
of politically incorrect meat?
Well, he wanted to make me dinner.
You just dropped your Iife
and ran right on over to his?
I can't get into that right now.
You know what?
You're relationship is the same as always.
It's all about him.
Could you put Miranda on, please?
Enjoy your veal.
Problem?
No.
I'II have another glass of wine.
PIease.
PIease what?
I'II have another glass of wine, please.
Are you allowed to talk to me Iike that?
I think I am.
Enjoy.
Thank you.
Steve, thank you, Steve.
That's really very cute
but I'm not in the mood.
I'm not really in the mood, Steve.
I'm not a total bitch,
I just had a fight with somebody.
I heard. Boyfriend?
None of your business.
Girlfriend? Butcher.
-Butcher?
-The veal.
I took a sh*t.
What are you reading?
The Joy of Bartending, Hemingway.
So, what, you're funny?
SIow down, that's a nice Cotes du Rhone.
Enjoy.
It's on me.
Why would that be?
A bribe, so, you'II hang out and talk.
If you Ieave,
I'II have to Iisten to those NYU kids...
...with the Amstel Lights
discuss Fiona Apple.
I'm begging you.
They did a little more than talk.
After work they went back to her place
where Steve, the bartender...
...served Miranda two orgasms,
straight up.
So...
...that was really special.
Sure.
Is that your shirt over there?
Can I get your phone number?
Why?
To call you up and ask you for a date.
Look....
Steve. Look, Steve.
You don't have to do this.
You don't have to make believe
you're gonna call.
Let's just call this what this was:
a one-night stand.
You're a real pisser.
Stop by the bar, see me sometime.
Sure, okay. Whatever. Thanks.
Bye.
Great sex.
Three dinners and two extravagant
lunches later...
...Ed invited Samantha
over to his townhouse.
Up until now,
she would never have believed...
...she would consider a relationship
with an older man.
Bu there was something about Ed.
How did that get there?
I wonder if....
Ed, no.
After an impressive six-course dinner...
...Ed put the moves on Samantha.
Ed's moves were from
a different dating time.
Moves she had heard of
or seen in old movies...
...but moves she never thought
she'd experience firsthand.
I used to groove with these cats in Cuba.
What's the matter?
Can't afford the Iight bill?
You're fun. A toast to fun.
What the hell!
I'm gonna Iay my cards on the table.
-I've only got a handful of good years Ieft.
-No--
to , tops.
I'm Iooking for someone
to have some fun with.
I'm aware that a gorgeous woman Iike
you can get any young man you want.
I'm willing to make it worth your wild.
And speaking of wild...
...don't worry.
I got a big, old pocketful of Viagra.
Why, Ed.
That's not Viagra.
Samantha was suddenly living
her own urban relationship myth.
The woman who stopped for a cocktail
after work and lived happily ever after.
For to years, tops.
I think in the dark is sexier.
Could you get that Iight behind you?
In the dark, she learned that all cats
not only look the same but felt the same.
Ed's lips were not the lips of an older man.
Ed's touch was not the touch
of an older man.
Excuse me, baby. Little boy's room.
Unfortunately Ed's ass
was the ass of an older man.
She told him it was a bad reaction
to the shellfish from dinner.
Saturday afternoon,
Miranda was at home...
...enjoying a cup of coffee
and her New York Times...
...when fate came knocking.
Yes?
It's Steve.
Steve who?
Steve Brady, the bartender.
What do you want?
You want your neighbors to hear?
Hi.
-Thanks for Ietting me in.
-Did you forget something?
No, I didn't have your number
and I wanted to tell you something.
I Iike you.
Translation: "I think you're an easy Iay
and I'd Iike to have sex again."
It's not Iike that.
Have dinner with me.
Why?
I don't know, because we're hungry.
I can't have dinner with you.
I don't even know you.
-You slept with me.
-It's a different thing.
-How 'bout tonight?
-I have plans.
-You don't have plans.
-I do.
What plans?
Quick, before you make one up.
I'm meeting my friends downtown
at Denial for dinner.
My buddy works there.
I'II meet you for a drink. What time?
: .
Okay.
What time are you really meeting them?
: .
At : , I arrived at Big's.
One quick drink and we'd be out the door.
I told myself all day it was just
another dinner with friends.
But, as I stood waiting,
in my new, very favorite dress...
...I realized it meant a lot more.
Hi, baby, c'mon in.
You're not properly attired
to meet my friends, mister. Hop to it.
About that....
Do you mind if I don't go?
I've been out all day, it's gonna rain.
But my friends are expecting you.
I know, but they're your friends and...
...they'II be fine with just you.
Is it okay?
Sure.
I was afraid if I looked up into his eyes...
...I'd turn to stone.
How could I have let myself believe things
would be different the second time around?
I'd never heard of a myth in which
a self-centered, -year-old baby...
...magically transformed into a grown
man that you could bring out in public.
They won't seat us 'til
all of our party is here.
How Iong do you think Big will be?
I'm not sure, he's coming from work.
I didn't have the strength to tell them
about my fallen hero.
Not without a cocktail.
I figured as long as I was "in Denial,"
I might as well stay there.
Look at you.
If you want good service, send a bartender.
If you want a good f*ck, go home with one.
Hello! It was funny!
Can I talk to you over there, for a second?
The gods are punishing me
for having casual sex.
Thank you.
One quick question and I'm out of here.
Why do you hate guys so much?
Excuse me?
We just met,
so I know that it ain't all about me.
Wait.
What do you want?
I just wanna get to know you better.
Do me a favor.
Can you, for a second, believe that
maybe I'm not some "full-of-sh*t" guy?
That maybe I do Iike you?
That maybe the other night was special?
-Do you think maybe you can believe that?
-No.
Maybe I've just slept
with too many bartenders.
Are you okay?
I don't wanna talk about it.
Nice meeting you all, excuse me.
-Maybe we should get a table for four.
-I knew it.
Big's not coming. Men are sh*t.
What are you talking about?
He's coming, isn't he?
I didn't know if I had the heart
to tell Charlotte that "happily ever after..."
...really was just a myth.
See, there he is!
It's really coming down out there.
-You remember my friends?
-Of course, I do.
Hello, Iadies.
Seeing Big show up for me...
...shook Miranda's lack of belief system
to the very core.
Excuse me.
More drinks?
Just like that, Miranda left Denial.
Steve!
Maybe I can believe it.
From that night on,
promiscuous women everywhere...
...would tell the tale
of the one-night stand...
...that turned into a relationship.
As for Big and me....
So, tell me.
Did you ever get it on with that old coot?
That was the night we stopped being
a myth and started becoming real.