They say that the women in New York
are the most beautiful women in the world.
Which explains why men in New York
spend all their time looking at them.
The city is a veritable playground
for men's roving eyes.
Unfortunately, they need both of them
looking straight ahead to survive.
This New York woman was pretty happy.
I was seeing Big again.
Unfortunately, my New York guy
was still seeing other women.
If checking out other women
is the biggest problem, you're Iucky.
-If it's so small, he should be able to stop.
-You can't change that about a man.
It's part of their genetic code, Iike farting.
-You're gonna put me off my pretzel.
-You must take Big the way he is.
Once you try to change a man,
it's doomed. They won't budge.
I know, but you can
subtly manipulate and cajole.
The things you can work on
are hair and wardrobe.
-Even then, it's a constant battle.
-I Iike the hair and wardrobe.
Then be happy. Honey, no man is perfect.
I'm not asking for perfection,
I'm just Iooking for slight alterations.
Be careful with alterations.
If you pull the wrong thread,
everything falls apart.
While Samantha and I discussed
the theory of change...
...Miranda was going through it for real.
She had a new apartment,
a new boyfriend...
...and a new dating schedule
that was k*lling her.
Hey. I'm sorry.
I thought we'd be closing the bar earlier.
-You were asleep.
-No, I'm up. Hi.
Come on in.
Come here. You okay?
Let's see.
-Is that better?
-That's better. Thank you.
How was your night?
I don't know. I was asleep.
I'm sorry I was Iate.
We were gonna close the bar at : .
Then we got this big group
of Japanese bankers came in.
And all they want
is these big flaming drinks.
Then one of them got sick and....
Never mind.
Everything was great about Steve
except for one thing.
Morning.
Morning.
Come here.
They had completely opposite schedules.
Steve had all the time in the world
in the morning.
Miranda got right up at : .
Unfortunately, Steve did, too.
-I have to go to work.
-Not yet.
The only thing she liked inside her
in the morning...
...was the cup of take-out coffee
she drank on the way to the subway.
That night, in a bed across town...
...Charlotte was seeing a lot of Mike,
a cute, but feared restaurant critic...
...famous for his patented
five-whisk rating system.
-Mike?
-Yeah?
Let's make Iove.
You are a five-whisk woman.
But just when Charlotte
had become comfortable with the penis...
...she got a very unexpected surprise.
You're....
It's....
Uncircumcised. Is that okay?
No. Sure.
Of course it is.
It was not okay.
The only uncut version of anything
Charlotte had ever seen...
...was the original Gone with the Wind.
There was so much skin,
it was Iike a Shar-Pei!
-You've never seen an uncircumcised one?
-I'm from Connecticut!
Reminder: you're dating the guy,
not the penis.
Aesthetics are important to me.
It's not what it Iooks Iike,
it's what they can do with it.
I don't need one
that can make its own carrying case!
Personally, I Iove an uncircumcised d*ck.
It's Iike a Tootsie Pop.
Hard on the outside,
with a delicious surprise inside.
I don't Iike surprises.
I Iike it all out there where I can see it.
Same here. I'm sorry, it is not normal.
Actually, it is.
Something Iike % aren't circumcised.
-Great, now they're taking over the world!
-It's a penis, not Godzilla.
If % aren't circumcised...
...that means I've only slept with
% of the population, tops.
You're practically a virgin.
You know, he's a nice, Waspy guy.
What went wrong?
Maybe his parents were hippies
and didn't believe in it.
-I am so circumcising my kids.
-I think you can pay people to do that now.
I don't ever wanna know there's a woman
out there calling my son a Shar-Pei.
AII I'm saying is, uncut men are the best.
They try harder.
I should know. I've slept with five of them.
-Out of how many?
-Infinity.
That night, Big and I went out
to celebrate absolutely nothing.
-More grappa?
-No, thank ya.
Listen, my editor called me today
and she's....
-You were saying?
-Yes, I was.
Excuse me, you can't smoke that in here.
Really? You're absolutely,
positively sure about that?
Because I checked the zoning
on this particular table...
...and I'm pretty sure this table
is in a cigar-friendly zone.
I don't mind, but it's for the other patrons.
You mean if those five patrons don't mind,
it's okay with you?
-Sir, I'm gonna have to--
-Just one second.
Excuse me, this is my Iast day on earth.
I'm being ex*cuted tomorrow morning.
That's my parole officer there.
Would you mind terribly
if I smoked this, Iadies?
Thank you.
Excuse me, I'm sorry.
Would it be okay if I smoked this?
PIease, Iet me preface this by saying:
I'd Iike to buy everybody a round of drinks.
Apparently, the other patrons
aren't bothered at all.
I didn't have the guts to tell Big
that he was actually kind of bothering me.
They won't tell you the truth.
No one is gonna say to your face
they hate your cigar.
Good.
You are very arrogant.
I thought that's what you Iiked about me.
Maybe Big was right.
Maybe we were at that inevitable point
in the relationship...
...when the little things you loved
about the person become huge liabilities.
And just then, a huge liability walked by.
What?
I hate that cigar.
And you told me right to my face.
New York City is all about change.
New Yorkers change their haircuts,
their politics...
...even their friends in the blink of an eye.
If change was so easy,
why was it so hard for Big?
Was I banging my head against the wall,
thinking he'd stop and notice me?
Did I have to change my expectations
or was it possible....
Can you change a man?
My husband used to be obsessed
with watching sports hours a day.
Then I started fooling around
with his best friend.
And now he's obsessed with watching me.
Every girlfriend I've had
wants me to change something.
Change your job, change your friends,
change your attitude.
The only thing I ever change is girlfriends.
Meanwhile, Charlotte was about
to discover that some men can change.
Thanks for dinner. It was great.
Can I come upstairs with you?
I have to get up really early,
and my place is just a mess.
Look, I understand.
-You do?
-Yeah, what happened the other night.
You're not the first woman to react to it
that way. I've gotten it most of my Iife.
Really?
Yeah, and I've decided
to do something about it.
I've been uncomfortable for too Iong,
so I'm getting circumcised.
Can you do that?
Yeah. I mean, it hurts.
It takes a Iong time to heal.
But I'm willing to do that.
I want to feel good about making Iove.
That is so sweet.
-Do you mind waiting?
-No, not at all.
Apparently, Samantha was wrong.
Some men could budge an inch.
In Mike's case, it may have been more like
an inch and a half.
The next morning, Miranda was getting
her usual wake-up call.
Where you going?
-I'm getting up.
-Come on, it's Saturday.
Come on, Iay down, slow down.
Come here.
How Iong are we gonna do this?
-You want a time frame for cuddling?
-Yeah.
Like minutes?
Thirty?
You're kidding me.
It helps if I have an end point in mind.
I respond well to Iimits.
That's your problem, you got
too many Iimits. You gotta Iet go a Iittle.
Look. Saturday is my free day, right?
I have spinning
and then I get my dry cleaning.
Then I get my nails done
and I do my grocery shopping for the week.
-Okay?
-You're not sounding very free to me.
Do you want to come with me
and get my dry cleaning?
No, I didn't think so.
An hour and a half, tops.
Twelve hours later, Steve went to work.
About the same time,
we went out to our favorite bar...
...which on Saturdays changes
into drag queen bingo.
Come on, N- .
I really Iike him,
but this morning thing is k*lling me.
It's bad enough
we've never done it at night.
After we do it in the morning,
he wants to Iie there with me.
Everyone wants a guy
who wants to cuddle.
O- , Iadies.
sh*t!
I'm jealous. Big won't even spend
the night at my place.
-What you have is real intimacy.
-It's bed arrest.
I've been horizontal all day,
and I had errands to do. I missed spinning.
You don't have to spin if you're having sex.
B- !
-How about N- ?
-I don't know why I play this, I never win.
Why do I have to be the one
to change my routine?
Maybe because you really Iike him.
It wouldn't k*ll you to slow down a Iittle.
Miranda's right.
Why is it the woman who always
has to change and never the guy?
-Because we are more adaptable.
-I Iove morning sex.
I haven't done morning sex since college
when I didn't have class till : .
Maybe you should
come up with a schedule.
A sex schedule? Very romantic!
Surprise him at the bar wearing nothing
but a trench coat and a smile.
That would be a happy hour.
I think that if you really believe in
the relationship you should work at it.
This from a woman
who dumped a guy over foreskin.
Actually, we're still dating.
-The Shar-Pei?
-He's getting circumcised.
PIease tell me
that we're not invited to the Bris.
Can I get another board, please?
-Samantha?
-Yes.
It's me, Brad.
Brad McColskey?
Brad was a semi-professional
hockey player...
...Samantha had dated a few years back.
The only thing he was checking these days
were his pants at the door.
Look at you, Miss Thing.
You Iook fabulous.
So do you.
-When did you start doing....
-About five years ago, right after you.
Maybe Samantha was wrong.
Apparently, she could change a man.
-How are the kids?
-Good. Jake is in second grade.
Jake has two mommies.
There are other people here
who need boards, Samantha.
Take a chill pill, Miss Saigon!
Samantha?
Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Gotta go. Enjoy the game.
N- .
Bingo!
I am so much prettier than him.
Two hours later,
I was supposed to meet Big at his place.
Two and a half hours later, he showed up.
Sorry.
You're a half hour Iate.
Your doorman thinks I'm a hooker.
-Did you make any money?
-Not funny.
I hate waiting here for you.
There's a coffee shop around the corner
you could have waited in.
-You know what? I'm gonna go.
-Don't be pissed.
I'm pissed.
Come upstairs.
You know, if you gave me a key,
I could wait upstairs next time.
A key?
Or you can stay at my place sometimes.
It's easy to pick my Iocks.
Yeah, but then I Iike my bed.
Look at that service.
Come on.
That night, something else changed.
Neither of us wanted to make love.
If this was all I was ever gonna get
out of Big, was it enough for me?
Then at : a.m.,
somewhere between sleep and waking...
...I got my answer.
-Dammit!
-What?
-Are you all right?
-No!
-What the f*ck?
-My God!
-What the hell was that?
-You knocked me out of bed!
-You didn't even know I was here!
-I do now.
Why don't you break my arm
the next time?
-I'm sorry.
-Jesus!
AII right, Sugar Ray, the bed's all yours.
-Where you going?
-To sleep on the couch.
-Wait, would you just Iet me explain?
-Don't talk now. Bad to talk now.
But I couldn't sleep.
And at : a.m.,
I decided he couldn't sleep either.
It's ice for your face.
Yes, I can feel that.
Okay, I know I've Iost a Iittle of my power.
I'm pretty sure
that most women's magazines...
...would say that what I just did
was a very bad idea.
But the thing is,
the other night wasn't just about the cigar.
It never is.
I hate that you Iook at other women.
I hate that I don't have a key to your place.
You've never spent the night at my place.
You can't even make space for me
in your bed.
And it's not your fault
because I never say it.
So now I punched you.
So now I have to say it.
So now I'm gonna say it.
I feel Iike I'm back in your Iife
and nothing has really changed.
I know you can't change a man, and you
definitely can't change a man Iike you.
But...
...I still want...
...something to change a Iittle bit...
...for me.
Physical v*olence is never the answer.
I'm gonna go.
-Does it hurt?
-Yes.
Look, I'm sure there are things
you don't Iike about me.
I'm not falling for that one.
That was one thing I liked about Big.
He definitely knew when to shut up.
The next night, Charlotte took Mike out
for a post-operative scotch.
Did it hurt?
On a scale of one to five, I'd give it a .
-You poor thing.
-That's all right.
The worst is over.
Now I just accept sympathy and heal.
-For how Iong?
-About another week or so.
-I can't wait.
-Me either.
God, you really turn me on.
You should go.
Much later that night, bolstered by coffee...
...Miranda decided to perform
a : a.m. seduction.
Hello.
Look at you! You Iook great.
What's the occasion?
It's : a.m. and I am still awake.
I thought we could celebrate.
I've had five cups of coffee.
That's worth a party.
Meet me in the bedroom. I'II get the wine.
-Get up.
-What?
I think you should spend the night
at your place tonight.
-Why?
-Because I'd Iike to catch up on my sleep.
I really don't want to worry about
having sex with you in the morning...
...and then just Iying there and being Iate.
-You don't Iike having sex with me.
-No, I do. I Iove it.
But once I would Iike to do it at night,
Iike other normal h*m* sapiens.
-Relax, we can have sex now.
-We can't have sex now!
I had a window,
and it happened half an hour ago!
-You had a window for sex?
-I'm sorry, I'm a Iawyer. I get tired.
I'm a bartender and I get awfully tired
of dealing with other people's neuroses.
When you get, you know...
...a picture window,
or a whole doorway of time...
...call me.
Miranda had never felt less like
a successful lawyer in her life.
Even though she'd won her case,
she'd also been left with all the damages.
A week later, Charlotte finally got her
chance to break in the new merchandise.
What do you think?
It's perfect.
It was like her birthday and Christmas
rolled into one.
You realize this makes me a virgin.
I'II be gentle.
That was really wonderful.
It was. A five.
So what do you want to do
Saturday night?
Saturday? Did we have plans?
No, but I thought maybe
we could go to this drama Ieague benefit...
...or we could, you know,
go Iow-key and stay in and rent videos.
Hang on, Iisten.
I don't think I'm ready for this to be,
you know, Iike a big thing.
A big thing?
I just feel Iike I can't be
tied down right now.
There's a whole new me happening.
I should get out there and share it.
You want to share your penis?
Well...
...yeah.
I feel Iike I owe it to myself to take the
doggie out for a walk around the block...
...you know?
Charlotte never saw Mike again.
She realized you can take
the Shar-Pei out of the penis...
...but you could never take
the dog out of the man.
A few days later,
I realized you could change a man.
You could change him into not calling you.
Hi.
Look at that.
No, you Iook at it. I've seen it already.
Sorry.
Easy, no hands near the face.
Come in.
I just came over to tell you something.
You're suing me, right?
Look, maybe you need a key to know
that I'm crazy about you.
But the thing is,
I've given out, Iike, five keys...
...and you never get 'em back.
And maybe I hog my bed.
But it's my bed and I Iike you in it.
-I should hit you more often.
-And the oranges.
-What?
-The oranges have to go.
This is something I don't Iike about you.
-I hate that you eat oranges in my bed.
-You do?
They're sticky
and they make the sheets stink.
-That's it?
-I Iike my sheets.
What are you gonna give me
for the oranges?
-A negotiation?
-Yep.
-This could take a while.
-It could.
It Iooks Iike I may have to spend the night.
That night, for the first time,
Big spent the night at my place.
I realized that neither of us
would ever fundamentally change...
...but we were talking about it.
And maybe that was
the biggest change of all.
The next day my sheets stunk of cigars.
I changed them immediately.
Across town, it was : a.m.
and Miranda was no closer to sleeping.
-Hello.
-Hey!
Hi.
Sorry to wake you.
It's okay, I was awake.
Look, I don't wanna bug you.
Do me a favor. Go to the window.
Okay.
Now look up.
My God.
It's amazing, isn 't it?
It's a blue moon. It's really rare.
I just wanted you to see it.
It was right then,
that Miranda finally slowed down...
...and gave into Steve.
Come over when you're done, okay?
Yeah.
Night.
That night, Miranda and Steve made love.
And they did it again in the morning.
Miranda was an hour late for work
and didn't even notice.
So maybe you can't change a man...
...but once in a blue moon,
you can change a woman.