Iran into my friend Skipper
on the street the other day.
He was bruised and frantic.
He'd just broken up with another girl.
I thought everything was going fine.
That's when they tiptoe up
and clobber you.
What did she say she thought was wrong?
Skipper, you're a very sweet guy.
This isn't about anything you did.
It's just that we're in very
different places right now.
We want different things from Iife.
I need to spend more time alone.
So, actually, we want the same thing.
We both want to spend
more time with you.
Three months before that,
it was a dental hygienist named Tiffany.
The timing is wrong, that's all.
You're one of the nicest guys
I've ever known.
I feel Iike I've reached a time in my Iife
when I need to focus on my career.
I don't want to feel guilty about that.
I don't want you to give up your career.
I know.
You've been great.
You really deserve someone
who will appreciate you.
I don't feel Iike I have
anything to give at the moment.
And last year, it was Miranda.
I feel Iike I need to spend more time alone.
I've just reached a point in my Iife
where I need to focus on my career.
I don't think that I have
anything to give at the moment.
Skipper, what else can I say?
I have such horrible luck with women.
I should've seen this coming, but I didn't...
...because they wait for you
to get relaxed and get comfortable...
...before they bring the ice pick
down between your eyes.
Not all women...
...just the types of women
you seem to be attracted to.
Over and over and over again.
Those Iadies don't know what they're
missing and missing and missing.
Skipper's pattern was clear to both of us.
He was a sweet guy who was
perpetually attracted to women...
...who were looking for jerks.
Later that night, on a date across town...
...Miranda was repeating
a pattern of her own.
She had been dating a lawyer she met
when they fought in court.
A frequent guest on MSBNC,
Kevin was not just argumentative...
...he was an anger professional.
I think I gotta revise my opinion...
...that only an idiot would
want to go out to a movie these days.
It was worth the $ ,
plus $ in snacks and water...
...just to hear that bus driver behind us
explain filmmaking to his wife.
He had some wonderful insights.
On the bright side,
it was an interesting movie, right?
It was a real Citizen Kane.
The actor who played Carlo was charming.
He Iooked Iike he walked into work
before the anesthesia wore off...
...from his Iobotomy.
AII right, I'II just get us a cab, okay?
Taxi!
You gotta face uptown
to get a cab around here.
I've caught plenty of cabs this way.
In never-never Iand where people
confuse a Iack of talent with charm.
Come on, Gene Shalit, get in the damn cab.
Come on.
Get in, sore Ioser.
Come on, in.
In, come on.
Miranda hated how he ordered her around
and told her what do...
...every place except one.
Put your hands up over your head.
Spread your Iegs.
The weird thing is when he tells me
what to do in Iife it drives me crazy.
But when he does it during sex
it really drives me crazy.
It's totally hot!
That Iooks Iike a good spot.
Everybody, check for park poo.
Isn't that funny?
That what I hate in Iife, I Iove in sex?
So, how about if you Iimit
your contact with him to just sex?
That's a nice, healthy relationship.
I'm not ready yet to throw in the towel.
You're just ready to
wrap it around his neck.
He's going through a very stressful time
waiting to make partner at his firm.
When that finally works out,
I think he'II Iighten up.
Or maybe you should face the fact
that you're attracted to angry men.
-Deviled eggs?
-Wait a second, hold the eggs!
What about Skipper? He never got angry.
-And you dumped him. Fits a pattern.
-I don't have a pattern.
In math,
randomness is considered a pattern.
And I'm what they call a prime number.
She's got a very obvious pattern.
I do? What? Tell me!
You wait for a perfect guy
to ask you on a perfect date--
And when he does,
you project this huge fantasy on him...
...setting up these enormous expectations--
Which promptly blow up
in your pretty face.
You put all your deviled eggs
in one basket.
That's a horrible pattern.
Well, spread it around a Iittle more.
Date a few guys at once
and then you won't feel so disappointed.
-Are you asking Charlotte to juggle?
-It's all about multi-tasking.
None of us can afford to fall into this
"one man at a time" pattern.
Look at how much time
you wasted with Big.
But Big was an aberration.
Next time I meet a handsome, rich,
emotionally unavailable -year-old man...
...I'II know what to expect.
Will you?
Or will you make the same mistake
all over again?
I wondered...
...were we all just victims
of conditioned responses?
Doomed to repeat the same
unconscious relationship patterns?
Were we all, in fact, just dating...
...the same person over and over again?
I guess I have dated quite a few artists.
But I don't think they were
all the same person.
Okay, yes. They were all narcissists
with commitment phobias...
...and substance abuse issues.
But, in my opinion, the painters
were very different from the sculptors.
Handsome waspy assholes
who treat me Iike sh*t.
I only date girls with Sony PIaystations...
...or breasts.
That night, Samantha became acquainted
with the new neighbors next door.
Though she had never met them...
...she already knew them intimately.
The idea that someone else
was having great sex and flaunting it...
...was more than she could bear.
So she decided, if you can 't join 'em...
...b*at it.
It all fit Samantha's pattern to a T...
...having a wall between her
and the person she was having sex with.
After a few weeks of not seeing Big...
...I was beginning to fall into
some familiar patterns of my own.
Staying out till : and sleeping till noon.
Ordering takeout from
the same greasy Chinese...
...and calling old friends who would
always be there for me when I felt...
...restless.
McFadden.
Hey John, it's Carrie.
Carrie, hey, how are you? Long time.
I know. Listen, I thought
if you weren't doing anything...
...you might want to meet
for a drink after work.
Sure, that would be great.
How about sixish?
I could be there at : .
Perfect, I'II see you then.
That evening, at : sharp....
-Wow, it's great to see you.
-You, too.
Come on in.
I was just gonna open a bottle of red.
Red, yeah, beautiful.
I just gotta be somewhere by : .
-That's okay, I've got dinner plans at : .
-Okay.
John was as dependable a pal
as a gal could ever hope for.
Fun, comfortable and easy to be with.
The kind of guy who you could shed all
inhibitions and really be yourself around.
No muss, no fuss.
So how's the...
...going?
Great.
It's great.
-How's work with you?
-Never dull.
How's your younger sister doing?
Brother.
The one that moved to Phoenix?
-Tallahassee.
-Right.
So how's he doing down there?
-He's doing great, thanks for asking.
-Sure.
And then I realized it.
I didn't have a relationship pattern,
I had a between-relationship pattern.
I always went back to John
after every devastating...
...soul-shattering, gut-wrenching break up.
He was sweet, handsome, uncomplicated.
A real sh*t in the arm
for my sexual self esteem.
Thanks for the call, gorgeous.
Sure put a cherry on my sundae.
Why had I been keeping him
on the bench all these years?
Did I really believe a relationship
had to be difficult in order to work?
Do you want to have dinner Friday night?
Dinner?
I should check my schedule,
but I think I can make it.
Great.
You want to say...
... : ?
How about : ?
And just like that, I broke my pattern.
Carrie, you can't date your f*ck buddy.
Say it a Iittle Iouder.
The Iady in the Iast row didn't hear you.
You wanna take the only person in your Iife
that's there purely for sex...
...and make him a human being?
Why?
Excuse me, "f*ck buddy"?
What is a "f*ck buddy"?
Come on.
A f*ck buddy is a guy you dated
once or twice and it didn't go anywhere...
...but the sex is so great,
you sort of keep him on call.
He's Iike "dial-a-d*ck."
You mean you just call this guy up
when you're, you know, horny?
Yes.
And he just comes right over?
Well, he's not a sl*ve, sweetheart.
He does have a Iife.
But you don't have to know about it.
And you're guaranteed delivery
within Manhattan in six hours or Iess.
And you guys all have one?
Mine moved to Chicago
but now we have phone sex.
What's he doing in Chicago?
I have absolutely no idea.
A few moments later,
emboldened by our conversation...
...and high from too many
tantric headstands...
...Charlotte asked a man out
for the first time.
Man, that class was tough.
I never sweated so much in my entire Iife.
Would you Iike to go out
to dinner Friday night?
Sure.
I wondered...
...if Charlotte can break her pattern and
ask out every man in Manhattan...
...why couldn 't I have
a deeper relationship...
...with a man I have shallow sex with?
Wow.
You're all dressy.
I guess.
Thanks.
I wanted to tell him
that he'd never actually seen me in clothes.
Do you want a glass of wine first, or....
No, I'm fine, thanks.
Hey, wait, wait, wait.
-I made reservations.
-Huh?
At a sushi restaurant.
Cool. I see.
No! I mean, God!
I mean sushi...
...Japanese food!
When you said dinner, you meant dinner.
Yeah.
It's just that, whenever we've had dinner,
we've always, you know.
Yeah, I know.
I'm just gonna get my purse.
Like most first dates,
we were off to an awkward start.
The yellow tail sashimi,
two pieces of salmon sushi...
...and a spicy tuna hand roll.
Do you Iike eel?
No way.
I'II have the chicken teriyaki, well done.
No, the sushi's so amazing here.
I can't deal with the raw stuff.
Why didn't you say?
We could've gone someplace else.
Don't worry about it.
If I'm hungry, I'II grab a burger after.
Okay.
Hey, Iisten, before I forget...
...this is for you.
Thanks. What is it?
Forty minutes free Iong distance,
continental U.S., no strings attached.
It's to promote our new - - service:
Seven days, seven hours, $ a day.
Thank you.
So you--
Think these gimmicks up?
Sort of. Officially, I sell time.
I get incentive minutes which
I can distribute at my own discretion.
So, if I'm Iucky,
I might get a whole hour next time?
I don't think so.
But if you're currently with MCI
and switch...
...then you get two free hours.
I was kidding.
Right, gotcha.
Maybe we should just order some sake?
Yeah, sure.
Hey, sake to me!
We went back to my place for a quickie.
I needed to erase the stagnant
memory of the past two hours.
Was it really possible that
someone so stimulating in bed...
...could be so tedious in life?
Meanwhile, Samantha was actually
beginning to look forward...
...to the company of her new neighbors.
Every night, like clockwork,
right after the end of the : news...
...Samantha relished her role as
the invisible guest vocalist...
...to an unseen band.
Until one night, she wasn 't so invisible.
That Saturday, Miranda planned for us
all to meet her latest fling for brunch.
Apparently,
he had flung himself elsewhere.
He should be here any minute.
Don't worry about it. If it's just us, fine.
It's not Iike we've got anywhere else to go.
I have a date tonight.
-With whom?
-That yoga guy.
I asked him out.
Wow, I'm impressed.
Once I broke the ice with him,
it was just Iike riding a bike.
I have so many dates this week,
that I just scheduled two tonight.
-You double-booked?
-I had to.
One guy is Ieaving town
and I couldn't cancel the other.
How do you conceive pulling this one off?
Early dinner with bachelor one,
Iate supper with bachelor two.
My God, you're turning into a man.
Charlotte had done more
than break a pattern.
She had actually changed genders.
I just don't know how I'm ever
gonna eat two dinners in a row.
And then, just like that,
she was a woman again.
Sorry, babe.
The idiot who drove me here apparently
passed his driving test in Bangladesh.
I'm just happy to get off
that f*ckin' rickshaw alive.
Kevin, this is Carrie,
and Samantha, and Charlotte.
-This is Kevin.
-Nice to meet you.
I have to go make a call, I'II be back.
Waitress! A draft beer here.
He's cute.
In a tightly wound sort of way.
He's finding out on Tuesday
whether he made partner.
I'm keeping my fingers crossed
that he'II unwind some after that.
What are you doing?
I just don't want him
going off on the waitress.
That evening,
Charlotte set out to break her pattern.
A casual meal with Eric from yoga...
...discovering a mutual love
for long drives up Maine coasts...
...and reruns of Nanny and the Professor.
She was psychic, wasn't she?
Absolutely.
But it was very subtle, very sophisticated.
I don't think that kids today
would understand it.
When I have kids,
I'm gonna be a total n*zi with the remote.
I want them to read.
How many kids do you want to have?
Two: one of each.
Sounds perfect.
As Charlotte began to swim in visions
of family summers in Kennebunkport...
...she realized she was late
for the second shift.
Oh my God.
What's wrong?
My throat is so sore.
I've just been fighting this cold all week.
Let me get the check.
I'm so sorry.
I had a really great time.
Me, too.
While Charlotte was off
to her next engagement...
...Samantha was imagining
an engagement of her own.
Excuse me, Jesus!
Hi, I was just wondering...
...do you know
who Iives in that apartment?
Yes, very nice.
Musician. His wife, a dancer.
Really? And are they nice Iooking?
Yes, very nice.
Very good.
Okay, then. Carry on.
Later that night, Charlotte was returning
from a second dinner of steamed mussels...
...and fries with bachelor number two,
an art loving commodities broker.
-I had a really great time.
-Me, too.
Excuse me.
So, can I call you?
Definitely.
Okay.
Charlotte?
Eric, what are you doing here?
I was just Ieaving you some chicken soup...
...for your throat.
But I see you've healed.
Who is this guy?
I'm the guy she had dinner with before you.
You double-booked us?
Hey, don't feel bad.
You got the Iate shift.
You get to take her upstairs.
I don't think so.
You know what? Enjoy the soup.
Hey, you going uptown?
-Yeah, West Side.
-Wanna share a cab?
Sure.
From that moment on,
Charlotte developed a new pattern.
She made it a rule never to take advice
from her friends again.
Very late that night...
...Samantha decided to roll out
the welcome mat for her new neighbors.
The musician and the dancer
turned out to be a middle-aged...
...Eastern European couple.
He played in a polka band.
She was a dancer...
...once upon a time.
Samantha?
Would you mind keeping it down?
I'm trying to get some sleep.
Samantha broke a pattern after all.
She decided to move her bed
to the opposite wall.
Later that week,
Kevin experienced a dream come true.
He was made a full partner
of the law firm where he worked.
He took Miranda out to celebrate.
A toast.
-To a very happy occasion.
-Yeah.
I'm falling all over myself with glee.
I get to work hours a week
for the same salary.
I'm walking on air.
Can't we enjoy your success
for one second?
You don't get how stressful my Iife is.
You really do Iive in never-never Iand,
don't you?
By the way...
...if there's a difference between this
$ champagne and the crap for $ ...
...it takes a more delicate palate
than mine to detect it.
Well, I Iike the champagne,
and the bread is fabulous.
Oh my God, Iook at those flowers.
Don't piss me off.
Where are you going?
Back to never-never Iand.
And by the way, never-never call me again.
Have a nice day.
What?
Miranda broke her pattern
in a way that she had never expected.
The angry guy had turned her
into a cock-eyed optimist.
There couldn't have been
a more perfect moment...
...to see Skipper
for the first time since she dumped him.
Hey, Skipper!
SIow down a minute.
Don't tell me what to do, okay?
I just wanted to say hello.
How've you been?
How've I been?
You got a Iot of nerve
talking to me Iike nothing happened...
...ever since you tossed me out
Iike bad milk.
I've been friggin' great.
Now that I've got you out of my system.
Can't I just talk to you for a minute?
Could I buy you a beer or something?
Miranda had never seen him
as angry as this before.
Much to her horror, she was attracted.
That's the thing about patterns.
They don 't break because you tell them to.
Have you been working out?
And a few nights later,
John and I went out for a movie.
I refused to believe that
a passionate sexual connection...
...could not be translated into
a meaningful friendship, at the very least.
Did you Iike the movie?
-Was it a comedy?
-No.
I didn't think so.
Isn't this the most amazing block?
AII these brownstones
are over years old.
It's Iike being in the New York
of Edith Wharton and Henry James.
Sometimes, I can't believe
how Iucky I am to Iive right here.
What?
Your tits Iook great in that thing.
At that moment,
I knew we only had two things in common.
Listen, I'd invite you in, but--
No, that's okay.
I got to be up really early tomorrow.
Okay.
I'II call you.
Goodnight.
I knew it was the last time
we'd ever see each other.
Just like that...
...I was thrown right back
into my old pattern:
Greasy Chinese, sleeping till noon...
...and feeling restless.