My friend Charlotte
was dating Dr. Bram Walker...
...a very hardworking orthopedic surgeon.
Bram?
What?
Were you asleep?
No, I was just resting my eyes.
My God.
I fell asleep for one second.
My God.
I was up at : , I had three carpal tunnels.
It's very exhaustive reconstructive work.
He fell asleep when
he was making Iove to me.
He fell asleep!
He was tired.
This has nothing to do with you.
Has a man ever fallen asleep
making Iove to you?
No, but I'm sure many of them wanted to.
I can't believe this happened to me!
You want some herb tea?
I must be really bad in bed.
You are not bad in bed.
I've got Constant Comment and....
Do you want some Tummy Tamer?
Of course it's her.
I have to say, I'm not surprised.
Ever seen her on a Stairmaster?
Nothing happening below the waist.
Nada. No sale.
How can you say that?
Even if she was bad in bed,
which she isn't, is it really that important?
Absolutely. Who we are in bed
is who we are in Iife.
I never met a man who was bad in bed
who was good at Iife.
Just for the record, in bed, you are....
Don't make me state the obvious.
How can you be so sure?
No one ever took a nap while f*cking me...
...and I get affirmations all the time.
Just Iast week....
Last week, Samantha had dinner
with a gay couple she'd known for years.
David and David.
Thanks for a Iovely dinner. It was fun.
I have to admit,
we have an ulterior motive.
What?
We're wondering if you're seeing
anyone special right now?
Actually, no.
Do you have a hot guy for me?
Two.
-No!
-Yes!
We want to have sex with a woman.
-Are you serious?
-Totally.
I'm curious about it.
We've never done it
and we thought it might be fun.
We were Iike:
"If we were gonna do it with a woman,
who would it be?"
-Then we were Iike, Samantha.
-Totally.
We decided of all the beautiful women
we know, you are probably the best in bed.
Totally.
Look at that!
I'm thinking about doing it.
They're cute, they're healthy.
They're gay!
For a sex columnist,
you have a Iimited view of sexuality.
Gay as pink suede.
Wake up. It's .
The new millennium won't be about sexual
Iabels, it'II be about sexual expression.
It won't matter if you're sleeping
with men or women.
It'II be about sleeping with individuals.
Or in your case, twos or threes.
Soon everyone will be pansexual.
It won't matter if you're gay or straight.
-Just if you're good or bad in bed.
-Exactly.
That night I got to thinking about bed.
Are we secretly being graded every time
we invite someone to join us in it?
A plus, B, D, incomplete.
Is making love really nothing
more than a pop quiz?
If sex is a test, how do we know
if we're passing or failing?
How do you know if you're good in bed?
Later on, I was walking home thinking
about my sexual report card when....
What the hell--
Christ, I'm sorry. I didn't see you.
I threw my cigarette.
I thought I was stung by a bee. Jesus!
I'm sorry. Did it Ieave a mark?
You can't smoke in the restaurant.
I'm a smoker.
I'm a smoker too,
but watch where you throw those things?
No, it didn't Ieave a mark.
As the pain subsided,
my mind was free to notice...
...how incredibly cute this guy was.
I am sorry. My name's Patrick Casey.
Carrie Bradshaw, burn victim.
How weird was that? That was intense.
You gotta admit,
it's a clever way to meet the Iadies.
You got a Iittle comedy routine
going there?
Little bit.
Listen, I really feel bad.
At Ieast Iet me buy you a coffee,
or some burn salve?
-Not funny yet.
-Sorry.
But it might be after a cappuccino.
There's a place right around the corner.
We can smoke there.
Three Marlboros and two
Marlboro Lights later I had learned...
...Patrick was a composer,
writing music for movies.
What type of movies do you compose for?
Really bad ones.
The I Screamed When I Knew What You
Did Last Summer On Elm Street types.
As Iong as you're challenged
by what you do.
Dammit. Patrick Casey, whoever you are.
I'm Iate. I have to go.
Thank you for the coffee.
Maybe one day
you'II give me scar tissue again.
-You're great.
-Thanks.
As I walked away, I started to think:
How many cute, smart, single smokers
are there left in the world? Seven?
I decided to do something
I almost never do...
...give a man my phone number.
This whole burn Iawsuit I plan to initiate...
...it might get a Iittle crazy,
so here is my phone number.
You will need that for your attorney...
...or if you want to have
coffee again sometime.
I left feeling great. It was such a cute
approach. How could he not call?
How could he not call?
It's been three days.
Give him more hours and then
send him off to the island of Iost men.
I don't wanna send him there, I Iike him.
Could you believe that someone actually
had the nerve to call this FIorentine Peach?
I can't believe you spent
this much on sheets.
It's an experiment.
I'm trying to change my bed karma.
I figure if I can make my bed
a place I really want to be...
...others will feel the same way.
The field of dreams.
Exactly. "If you build it, he will come."
The thing that gets me is, I'm not usually
wrong about the phone number size-up.
I don't put it out there
unless I'm sure it's coming back.
I'm either really Ioving or hating the color.
He thinks I'm ugly.
My God. Get a grip.
A guy doesn't call you for three days
and you're ugly?
-What's your point?
-Pillowcase.
It's amazing.
We can feel totally good about ourselves...
...and then it all goes out the window
if the guy doesn't mirror it back to us.
This has a Iittle weird thing here.
Dammit. Does everything I bring into
this bedroom have to have a flaw?
The next day I was in the Village looking
for the perfect $ dress...
...to go with my $ shoes, when....
I had a choice.
I could turn around and run away...
...or I could smile, be brave
and walk on over.
Hi.
So what? Saturday's the day you stand on
the street and smoke in the Village?
Hi, I'm Carrie.
-We're kind of in the middle of something.
-Right, sure.
Bye. I was on my way to Perry Street.
This is Perry Street.
BIeecker, I meant BIeecker.
Okay, bye. Goodbye to you, too.
-Let me explain.
-No, I'm embarrassed.
You're obviously in the middle
of a thing with your Iover...
...or whoever and I'm there....
I'm not gay.
I'm an alcoholic.
We were waiting for a meeting to start.
I wanted to introduce you
but it's supposed to be anonymous.
I really wasn't getting the gay vibe
from you.
It's just, he was so cute and....
-I never called.
-Right.
I was freaked. I've only been
in the program months...
...and my sponsor said I really shouldn't
get involved with someone for a year.
Okay, maybe you'II call me in a month.
It doesn't bother you that I'm an alcoholic?
God, no. I Iove alcoholics.
Hell, I hope to be one someday.
-That was a joke.
-That's not funny, yet.
But it might be after a cappuccino.
What the f*ck, it's only a couple of weeks.
Would you Iike to go on a date sometime?
I can't think why not.
You call me.
I accepted his kind invitation
because when you think about it...
...aren 't we all in recovery from something?
Drinking? Drugging?
Our last relationship?
On our first date,
Patrick and I went for coffee.
I'm really compulsive. If I open up a bag
of Chips Ahoy, I gotta eat the whole thing.
I'm Iike that with Reese's Pieces.
Reese's Pieces and shoes.
Wouldn't the shoes
be a Iittle tough on digestion?
This is me.
Thank you, Mr. Casey. I had a great time.
No, Miss Burn Victim.
I had the great time.
Then I gave him my very best
lean-in-and-kiss-me-goodnight move.
Our next date, over dinner,
he told me about working his steps.
After dinner, I stood on my third step
trying to work him.
That smell is amazing. What is that?
Me.
I'II call you.
I couldn't figure it out.
I knew he wanted me, because during my
lean-in-and-kiss-me-goodnight move...
...I'd accidentally, on purpose felt
his pop-up-and-say-hello.
What was going on?
By the third date, I wanted him even more
than a fistful of Reese's Pieces.
Well then, goodnight.
That was that. I'd hit my humiliation limit.
Then I thought, how many cute,
smart, sexy, single, smoking alcoholics...
...are there left in the world? Five?
Do you want to come up?
But you see, the thing is,
I've never had sex sober.
I've always been drunk or high.
I don't know if I'II be any good.
What the hell?
Let's take it one step at a time.
Sex is amazing.
It feels so f*cking amazing.
Do other people know about this?
AII right! I did it! Sex without beer!
Easy, cowboy.
You!
What about you! You are the best.
You weren't half bad yourself.
You are the best.
-You're the best.
-I aim to please.
After we have a cigarette...
...can we do it again?
I'II have a Spanish omelet, hash browns,
more coffee and orange juice.
Can I have some rice pudding
for Iater? Thanks.
Storing up for winter?
No, I'm starving. Patrick and I....
AII Iast night and I'm just....
No, don't stop, it's okay.
Just because I'm bad in bed
doesn't mean everybody is.
One more time.
You are not bad in bed.
Really? Has a man ever fallen asleep
making Iove to you?
No, but I once fell asleep when a guy was
doing me. It was the Iudes.
It's okay.
I'm mature enough to realize that while
I may be good at some things Iike...
...accessories, that I might need help
in others Iike....
-f*cking?
-Making Iove.
So, I'm taking a class.
A f*cking class?
No, a tantric sex workshop.
Just don't drink any suspicious Kool-Aid
or put on new Nikes.
It's not Iike that. It's taught by a
well-respected woman psychologist.
It's called "How To PIease A Man."
I know how to please a man.
Just give away most of your power.
I have a trainer for the gym.
I can have a trainer for--
-f*cking?
-PIease stop saying that.
Are you actually going to do this?
Seating was Iimited,
so I signed you guys up.
PIease? I can't go alone.
If Bram ever falls asleep on me again,
I will die.
Pretty please, with sugar on it?
Christ, I'm in.
What the hell, I don't exactly
have them hanging from the rafters.
"How To PIease A Man."
I could teach the damn class.
AII right.
That night,
while David and David got undressed...
...and waited for her in the bedroom.
Samantha began to wonder
if maybe she was about to go too far.
Was she actually capable
of being this sexually free?
Or was she getting in over her head?
She decided before there were regrets,
they should all talk about it a little more.
Listen, David and David, maybe....
You Iook amazing.
Just Iike Jean Harlow in Red Dust.
Samantha loved the Samantha mirrored
through the eyes of the Davids.
What the hell?
-They're so soft.
-I know.
-I can't do this.
-Neither can I.
But I....
-We're just getting start--
-No, can't.
-I'm sorry.
-Sorry.
It's very pretty, but no.
It's not you, it's us.
I have an idea. Let's all put on our clothes
and go out for gelati!
-Cheesecake.
-Whatever.
Suddenly, Samantha wasn't feeling
so good about herself in bed.
I gotta go or I'm going to be Iate
for the tantric workshop thing.
Baby, you don't need a workshop.
You are amazing.
Come on, one more time.
We did it Iast night and all this morning.
I could have sex with you
morning, noon and night.
That's when I realized it.
Mr. Compulsive wasn 't in bed with me...
More, c'mon.
...he was in bed with a big bag
of Chips Ahoy.
More.
The intent of tantric...
...we say "sacred sexuality..."
...is to experience
and merge with the Divine.
I think Patrick's addicted to me.
It's Iike he's replaced drinking with me.
Program guys are tough.
I dated a guy who was
in Over-Eaters Anonymous.
Every time we had a fight,
he'd binge-eat hot fudge sundaes.
In other words, Iadies,
to drive your man crazy.
He wants to have sex all the time.
It's getting a Iittle out of hand.
At Ieast he wants to f*ck you.
-They were gay.
-So?
One minute they were interested and then,
suddenly they weren't.
What did I do to turn them off?
Not having a d*ck would be the thing
that you did to turn them off.
You guys, I'm serious. This is rude.
Use it to bring any man to his knees.
With Iove, of course.
Where was this bitch Iast night
when I needed her?
Be quiet and you might Iearn something.
This Iady is supposed to be a genius.
If she's so good, why is she having
this workshop in her apartment?
I don't know.
Tantric sex is not about talk,
it's about action.
Delayed action.
So, without further delay...
...Iet me introduce my husband.
Dr. Ronny Shapiro.
I will demonstrate the very effective...
...Lingham Massage.
I think I know why we're in an apartment.
The receiver Iies on his back...
...before the giver, naked.
Genitals clearly exposed for the massage.
You're not writing.
Take your time doing this.
An hour and a half later, crippled by our
inability to look away from a car crash...
...we watched as the Dr. Shapiro
illustrated tantric sex.
Massage the head of the Lingham...
...as if you are using an orange juicer.
There go my good feelings about breakfast.
Stop it! You're embarrassing me.
We're the embarrassing part?
PIace your right hand...
...on the receiver's Root chakra.
Root!
The Root chakra is Iocated between
the anus and the genitals.
I think that I just got my bucks worth.
Gently rock your hand
to awaken this chakra.
CIinically referred to as perineum.
Perineum: Latin for
"not without an engagement ring."
Will the women who are Iaughing
compose themselves?
Thank you.
Orgasm is not the goal
of Lingham Massage...
...but can be a pleasant
and very welcome side effect.
Watch what I'm doing here.
If you can master this...
...your man will always be faithful.
Because once they go tantric...
...they don't go back.
You go, girl.
See that? Can you all see this?
My God!
He's gonna....
And just like that,
Miranda got hit by Old Faithful.
What's funny?
After we talked Miranda in from
the ledge, I met Patrick for a movie.
I was telling my sponsor today
how I felt about you...
...and suddenly I realized
maybe I should just tell you.
I Iove you.
There it was, the little phrase
every girl is dying to hear...
...a week and a half into a relationship.
Thanks and that's so....
What? Too soon?
Is that what you're thinking?
We have been going out for, Iike, a minute.
f*ck that sh*t. I don't want to play games.
I'm just trying to own my feelings.
I Iove you. I said it.
Mr. Casey, you do not Iove me...
...you Iove you, not drinking, with me.
No, I Iove you.
I'm so flattered...
...but I think maybe we should
slow down a Iittle here.
What does that mean?
It means that things
are going very fast and....
You have these new feelings
because you're not drinking--
No, don't give me that program bullshit.
This has nothing to do with drinking.
I Iove you.
Maybe we should spend a Iittle time apart.
I'II call you tomorrow.
-I'm not coming up?
-Just a couple of nights.
Are you breaking up with me? 'Cause if--
I'm not breaking up with you.
I'm just going inside.
Call me tomorrow.
We'II do something next week, okay?
What am I going to do now?
You should go to a meeting.
And then go home, and call me tomorrow.
Goodnight.
I'II see you next week.
Go.
Get yourself some cookies.
Meanwhile, across town at Charlotte's....
My God, what are you doing?
My God.
You are good. Sweet Christ!
You are good!
Charlotte considered it the best bucks
she'd ever spent.
It cost Miranda a little more, but across
town in her bed, things were good as well.
Carrie!
What are you doing?
f*ck you, you bitch!
sh*t!
I Ioved you and you didn't Iove me.
You f*cking made me date you...
...before the month and now I'm drunk.
And I don't care!
I Iove you!
I Iove you!
Make Iove to me!
What are you doing?
Don't take your clothes off.
My first impulse was to go down
and rescue him...
...but as I learned on our second date,
that would be codependent.
Still, I felt I had to do something.
Here, put this on, you'II get a cold.
I hope I f*cking die!
Quiet, assh*le, I'II call the cops!
Shut the f*ck up, dickweed!
Carrie!
You were the best f*ck I ever had!
Three weeks later,
I got a letter from Patrick...
...saying he was back in the program
and wanted to make amends.
I never saw him again
but I always wondered two things:
Was he able to stay sober?
Am I really that good in bed?