03x10 - I Wanna Be Sedated

[bunniefuu]

Yo, heads up.

So? So what?

So how do I look? You look okay.

Why are you so dressed up?

You guys are kidding me, right?

What is today?

What's today? What is today?

Is it your birthday? No, it's not my f*cking birthday.

I can't believe this.

I got my record deal signing with Sammy Kane.

Is that today? Oh damn, I forgot all about that.

Oh, good luck, buddy.

Biggest day of my life and you forgot.

You guys really suck.

Come here, Turtle!

Guy's finally breaking his cherry. Gonna make a buck.

Don't f*ck with the hat, it's new.

How could we forget? Look what everyone did.

I made your favorite. Raspberry frosting.

Yeah, and I cut the crust off just the way you like it.

Nice!

I had the truck detailed. Really?

And I'm gonna be driving you today.

Unbelievable. What'd you do, Vince?

I think I've done enough, Turtle. True true.

But it is still payday.

You know what? I don't think I'm gonna be needing that anymore, Vin.

What about parking? Maybe a 20?

All right, thanks, guys. I gotta roll.

I do not want Saigon b*ating me to this meeting.

I programmed the GPS. We'll have you there in no time.

All right, let's roll. Thanks again.

Have a good one, Turtle. Later, guys.

It's sad to watch the kids leave the nest.

Well, now that they have, let's talk adult business. You coming to see Ari?

No. We haven't heard from him in a week.

It'll make a stronger statement if you're there.

I think it'll make a stronger statement if I'm not.

Plus I'm headed out. I'm gonna grab a couple books.

By yourself? Can't go to a bookstore by myself?

You don't drive. Yeah, but I do read, E.

I do read.

Come on, come on, come on.

Where the f*ck is Saigon?

Maybe he got clipped in a drive-by.

That would suck. I'm calling him again.

It's right to voice mail.

Yo, Sai, it's Turtle... again.

Where are you, man? Call me back.

You know what? Just get to the meeting.

Don't even call me back.

This is so f*cked.

All right, Mr. Kane's ready for you.

You can come up with me.

What are you gonna do?

I have no idea.

Say a prayer.

Always wanted to do the new Puffy album.

Hey, yeah. I love this town.

Hey.

Hey, sorry to keep you waiting, Turtle.

It's no problem at all.

So what's going on, Mr. Kane?

Just life. So where's Saigon?

He's running a little bit late but he should be here any minute.

Any minute? It's 10:30.

Yeah. Why don't we get started without him?

Started on what? You know, the paperwork, the signatures, all that stuff.

I mean, we can get started on that.

Look, you even got this nice pen.

Don't touch the pen, Turtle. That pen is for artists only.

Gotcha. Sorry.

What the f*ck is going on? Nothing.

Are you trying to f*ck me? No.

Then why are you sweating like the guy in "Midnight Express"?

Where is your client, Turtle?

I have no idea.

You've got till 5:00 to produce him or the deal goes away.

Hi, Eric. What do you think of the new space?

Looking fancy. Ari around?

Go on in. He's just going through fabric books.

Remember me?

One never forgets their first love, E.

Where've you been? Been right here.

It's tough to leave this paradise.

Come look. I'm putting in a shower right here with a steam.

If you promise to drop your towel I might even let you use it.

Big fancy new agency, suddenly we're not a priority?

Got a lot of priorities, E.

Two weeks ago when you had nothing, it was all Vince all the time.

I sent over 20 scripts. He won't read them.

He read them. He didn't like them.

When Vince is ready to work, I will work for him.

You know, you really are a front-running douche bag, you know that?

Bob Ryan is outside. He said to tell you that he will hoist himself on his own petard if you don't come see him.

I don't know what it means but it sounds dangerous.

You're not seriously leaving in the middle of this conversation?

Conversations usually end after one person calls the other a douche bag.

You called him a douche bag?

He doesn't like that. Ari!

Check out the new Italian marble, E. I'll be right back.

Who gave Bob the new address? Not me.

Don't spend the whole day reminiscing, Ari.

Don't tell me how to do my job, Barbara.

Well well, you know I'd have an easier time getting a face-to-face with O*ama b*n L*den.

Try making an appointment, Bob.

Appointments are for salesmen, kid. Come here.

What... what can I do for you, Bob?

Finally pay me back for helping you sign Billy Friedkin when you were barely out of the mailroom.

How many Mrs. Beasley's Baskets will it take to make you smile?

Just throw me a movie star I can take to the studios.

And you know I'm not leaving until you do.

I know. I know.

E! You know Vincent Chase?

Vincent Chase? I haven't seen a kid that good-looking since I was that good-looking.

Meet Eric Murphy, Vincent Chase's manager.

Hi, nice to meet you. Hi, nice to meet you.

This is Bob Ryan. He's a legend.

The guy has almost as many Oscars as John Williams.

He produced "Network," "The Sting,"

"Dog Day Afternoon," many others.

Wow. Those are great movies.

What if I was to tell you I have a movie better than any of those that would be perfect for Vincent Chase?

Now would that be something you might be interested in?

Definitely. Boom, I'm a matchmaker.

I love it. Have lunch, talk it over. How about that?

My driver's waiting outside. Great.

Come, let's go. Thanks, Ari.

Thanks, Ari.

That was mean. To which one of them?

Hey, thanks, man. Keep the change.

No, Turtle, there were no calls at the house.

I don't know what the f*ck to do, Vin.

I don't know where he is. This is bad.

I'm sorry, Turtle. Anything I can do?

No, I'll figure it out.

Call me if you need me. Thanks, Vince.

All right, later.

I'd be careful if I were you.

Why is that?

I saw paparazzi out there. I don't think you want to get busted checking out your own picture.

Good looking out.

No problem.

I thought we were going to The lvy.

Oh, forget The lvy.

What if I was to tell you that my chef Raoul Pepefirio made a steak so delicious that Cliff Robertson used to come to the house three times a week just to eat it?

Now would a steak like that be something you might be interested in?

Yeah, sure. I like steak.

Great. And wait till you see my maid Marsha.

Quite the stunner.

Marlon Brando used to come to the house three times a week just to stick it in her ass.

And that was before it was fashionable.

Where is your house, Bob? What?

My second time coming to this neighborhood without my nunchucks.

I am not happy.

Oh, you're not happy?

I got 40 grand riding on finding Saigon in the next four hours.

If I don't, I'm gonna k*ll myself by eating all your Propecia pills.

Relax, Turtle. Relax.

Hey, Turtle. How're you doing?

Not great. Oh, what's the problem?

Well, me and Saigon had our big record signing today and he didn't show. I was just wondering if he was okay.

Oh, I don't know nothing about that.

You don't know about the record signing or you don't know if he's okay?

I don't know nothing about nothing.

He's not home, is he? No, he ain't here.

You need to excuse me. I've got my church group inside and it's not polite to keep the Lord waiting.

No.

Hmm. Something here ain't right.

Yeah, no sh*t, Columbo. But how does that help me?

What are you doing? Drama!

There's a plasma the size of a Cadillac.

But I don't hear any gospel music.

Whoa!

What the hell are you boys doing?

Sorry to bother you again, ma'am, but can I use your phone, please?

It's a local call. Won't take very long.

Okay, hurry it up.

You making the call or what? No.

I'm all good. Good.

Oh, ma'am. I'd like to ask you one more thing.

You didn't ask me anything.

Do you know anyone staying at The Standard Hotel?

What...

It's on your call log, Mrs. Saigon.

What do you have to say about that?

I don't have nothing to say about nothing.

Just as I thought.

What the f*ck is going on?

I don't know.

But I think the answer lies at The Standard.

So... do you always work the bookstores looking for lunch dates?

You tend to find a classier woman than you would at the track.

Oh! I bet you find a different woman to have lunch with every day.

No. Sadly I usually spend my lunches with my three knucklehead friends. Oh.

But it's becoming clear to me I should ditch them more often.

Oh.

Oh, thank you.

Thank you, Alan.

So, Bob, tell me about this project you think Vince would be perfect for.

After we digest, Eric, after we digest.

So what do you think of this place? It's great.

You know, I paid 140 grand for it in 1967.

Steve McQueen told me I was out of my mind.

It's worth 13 million today.

What if I was to tell you you could buy a place for 140 grand and someday it will be worth $13 million?

Is that something you might be interested in?

Of course, Bob. Who wouldn't?

Ah, there she is.

Marsha, come here.

I want you to say hello to my friend.

She's still got the legs, huh?

I don't see anything under the name Saigon.

He's a black man about yo high, probably carrying a Glock. Do you guys have a metal detector here?

No, we don't. Thanks anyway.

Mmm-hmm. You really think he's at this hotel?

I know he is.

I can feel him.

What, are you auditioning for "Medium," jerkoff?

Whatever. He's here.

Well, let's go find him. How?

Come on. This time I got a plan.

I didn't expect to be doing this today.

You said you needed to go shopping.

I know. But, like, you didn't have anything better to do?

Nicole, I'm unemployed.

Besides, this has been one of the most fulfilling days I've had in weeks.

Are you coming out? I want to see you in that dress.

No, I'm embarrassed.

You come in.

It looked bigger on the hanger.

I want to show you this room, Eric.

You know, Sam Peckinpah screened "Straw Dogs" for the very first time right here in this room.

Yeah, everyone knew he had a big hit on his hands.

A lot of jealous people in the house that night, I'll tell you.

I bet. Listen, Bob... Everyone thinks it was Nicholson and Beatty back in the day, but it was Dusty Hoffman that got more p*ssy than anybody.

And a lot of it right here in this room.

So tell me about this project. Sit.

Sit. Yeah. Can I get you anything, Eric?

No, I'm good. You know, coffee, tea...

I'm good. ...liquor, milk?

Just had a big steak. Okay.

Hey, I got some great home movies.

How would you like to see Candy Bergen playing tennis in her underwear? Fantastic ass.

Maybe next time, Bob.

Of course. I'm sure you have a million things to do, a young kid like you.

I was once a young kid like you, Eric.

You don't have a project, do you, Bob?

No, I don't.

But I figure if we sit here long enough and brainstorm we'll come up with one.

You know, Bob, I got a million things to do. I gotta get back to the house.

In '68 I locked Dennis Hopper in the bathroom with nothing but a handful of mushrooms and bingo, he came up with "Easy Rider." Bob...

Unfortunately I couldn't get him out of there for almost a week.

Bob!

When a man nears the end of his life you know what he begins to think about?

He thinks about how he'll be remembered.

I've made 42 movies, 20 of them classics, six nominations, three statues.

But if I were to drop dead right now, you know what I'd be remembered for?

"Cutthroat Island."

Stay a little while longer and talk to me, please, Eric. Okay, Bob.

I just need to use the bathroom.

Oh yeah, yeah. Third door on the right right past my Picasso.

Technically it still belongs to Roman, but what are the chances of him coming back for it?

Ari. Check out the jib arm on this bad boy, Babs.

That's great. Now if you could only teach it to sign clients.

Are we not rocking and rolling?

I had a half a million dollar day for this agency.

And in the spirit of competition, I hope you plan on catching up.

Here's my million dollar call right now.

Excuse me.

Call to apologize, E? Ari, this guy's got nothing.

He won't let me leave. I don't even know where I am.

What if I was to send a cab to pick you up, is that something you might be interested in?

You knew, you m*therf*cker? I knew what?

That you called me a douche bag this morning?

I'm sensitive, did you know that? Ari, you will pay for this.

You okay in there, Eric?

I'll be right there, Bob.

Somebody's in a mood.

Yes? Saigon ain't in there, is he?

Excuse me? Never mind. Thank you.

Nice plan.

Just keep moving. Stop being lazy.

If I have to do this myself we'll be here all night.

Looking for someone named Saigon.

Hmm?

Forget it. This sucks.

Should have spent my day with Vince.

Bob, please!

I need to go home.

Just looking for the car keys, Eric.

You have a driver, Bob.

Gave up looking for the driver, Eric.

Oh, Joey Ramone.

You're probably too young to know who that is.

Actually, I know him well. These guys are from the same street as us.

You come from Queens? Yeah, born and raised.

Vince too. It's actually his favorite band.

Too bad you don't have a project about them, Bob.

What if I was to tell you that somewhere in this house I've got a script about The Ramones?

Yes, if I can read it on the way home, it's something I might be interested in.

Don't be a wise-ass.

Nobody home.

Okay, that's it. I'm done.

No, you are not done. You work for me, remember?

This is my day. That isn't official.

You think you're having a bad day, Drama?

This is the worst day of my life.

Come on, man. Stick with me, please?

All right. You're right, Turtle.

I'm sorry. Let's go check the fourth floor.

What floor y'all going to?

Whatever floor y'all're going to.

How're you guys doing?

Oh hey, looks like we're going to the same party, ladies.

Hey, what's up, ladies?

Grab that drink and drone in here.

Okay. Sure a party.

I remember ordering the b*tches, but I don't recall ordering no white boys.

We're here to see Saigon.

Is he expecting you? Bingo.

Of course. We got more class than to show up unannounced.

Bedroom.

Thank you.

What's up with you bad cats?

Yo, Sai, what the f*ck?

sh*t. Turtle, what are you doing here?

What am I doing here? What are you doing here?

You missed the signing. I've been calling you all day.

I should have called you back. It's my bad.

Yeah, you think? Shut the f*ck up, Drama.

Come outside, man. Let me talk to you away from all these nosy m*therf*ckers.

I swear to God I've never done this before.

Are you a virgin? Ha ha.

No, middle of the day, a stranger.

We should do it again.

Uh, yeah, maybe.

Maybe? Come on, I think we get along great.

And I'm not working.

Do you really like me?

Uh, are you kidding?

I don't know. I mean, come on, you must have like a million girls.

Yeah, sure, I have a couple of options.

I'm not gonna lie.

I had a great time. I think we should do it again tomorrow.

Vince, I can't. Why not?

I'm getting married.

Ha ha.

No, really.

You're getting married? Yeah.

Oh Jesus. No, it's not what you think.

See, you were on my list.

Your list?

My celebrity list.

Me and my fiance, we both have them and we agreed that if either one of us ever had the chance to... and, well...

Now I just have to hope he doesn't run into Cameron Diaz.

You know you're my n*gga, right?

And I appreciate everything you've done for me, for real.

But? There's always a but.

Shut the f*ck up, Drama!

But I got another manager. What?

It's not what you think. I signed with this guy like 10 years ago.

He skipped town on me. You signed papers?

No, this guy don't work with papers, man.

He's back. He's holding me to my contract.

What about the deal I got you?

I appreciated that deal even though it was with the whitest hip-hop label around.

But he got me a better deal, man.

And that's why we're here now.

Saigon, I'd like to have a word with this alleged manager.

Oh yeah, Drama? Yeah.

Here he comes right now. Yo, Bunky, what up?

What up, Sai-diddy? Who are these crackers?

Crackers?

This is Turtle. This is my boy I was telling you about.

Oh, you tell him it was good?

Yeah, he did. But did Saigon tell you he's got papers with Turtle?

That was drafted by the law firm of Zyman, Weintraub and three other Jewish names I have since forgotten.

Yeah, well he was supposed to tell you I deaded those.

Since he didn't, I'm telling you: Those contracts are dead.

Hey, Bunk, what do you say we don't try and strong-arm each other, huh?

My man Turtle has got signed legal documents.

What is threatening us gonna do?

Show this scarecrow the view.

Scarecrow? Whoa, hey hey!

I got a pilot this week! What the f*ck?!

Chill, man, chill.

Turtle! He getting heavy yet?

You gonna throw him over the balcony with 50 witnesses by the pool?

Yeah, 'cause I got 10 witnesses that's gonna swear he jumped.

Yo, coz, man, no need for all this sh*t, man.

We agreed you'd take care of Turtle.

Yeah, but I didn't know I was gonna get insulted by the dude from "Viking Quest."

You watch "Viking Quest"?

Turtle, tell him how much you was supposed to get off the deal you got me.

60 grand.

All right, break the kid off his 60.

But if I find out it was a penny less, I'm gonna make a house call, for real.

It might have been 40. Yeah, that's what I thought.

Malik, break him off 35. Let him get his 40, man.

Give him his 40.

You okay, Drama?

Yeah. You should have held out.

I think I could've made the pool.

This is great, Bob. I love the angle.

You know the Ramones started the punk rock movement, Eric.

And they never got the credit they deserved.

How come they never made this movie?

We came close so many times.

Oliver Stone was gonna do it and then "The Doors" came up.

Morrison was dead, it seemed a better sale, so...

Yeah, well now that Joey Ramone is gone, we can sell this.

Ha ha, I love your passion, Eric.

I love it.

Here's our guy right here. Excuse me, driver, would you pull over?

Hey, Vince, hop in.

Ah!

What's happening, man? Not much.

How was your day? Uneventful.

You? We had a lovely day.

Who's this? Vincent Chase, Bob Ryan.

A pleasure.

Bob Ryan? "Butch Cassidy" Bob Ryan?

Someone with a sense of history.

Great to meet you. We found your next movie, Vince.

Oh yeah, what's that?

See if this is something you might be interested in.

Vince, what's up?

It's time to go to work, Ari. I've got my next project.

And his next producer.

You might be interested in reading this.