03x16 - Gotcha!

[bunniefuu]

Vince, this is the fifth f*cking message I left.

Will you call me back please?

Where is he? Easy, E.

He's with the jewelry store girl. Let him f*ck in peace.

We got Amanda at 1:00. He won't call me back. You're not worried?

No, I'm more worried about Turtle jerking off Pauly Shore for the past half hour.

Yeah, what's your problem with Pauly again, Drama?

Why do you hate him? It shouldn't matter why I hate him.

We're family. If I hate him, you gotta hate him.

All right, I hate him. I hate him.

You are one Benedict Arnold traitorous m*therf*cker, you know that, Turtle?

Easy, Drama. No, don't "easy" me when you're making nice with my mortal enemy over there.

I didn't make nice, okay?

In fact, if it makes you feel better, I told Pauly to go f*ck himself.

That does make me feel good.

So what did he want anyway?

He's got some stupid new hidden camera show called "Gotcha."

It's like a rip off of "Punk'd."

Yeah? Yeah, and he wanted to "get" you.

Really? Yeah, for the premiere episode.

And he wanted me to be the rat-faced accomplice. Can you believe that?

I guess he thinks your series is gonna be a hit, Drama.

Yeah, I guess so. f*cking user.

I'm in.

You're in? Yeah, I'll do the jerkoff's show.

It's a hidden camera show. You already know about it. You can't do it.

I'll act like I don't know about it. I can pull it off.

You see the billboard?

Call him, Turtle.

Okay. Call Vince again.

I called three times already.

Let him f*ck in peace.

Fine, I'll call him.

Are you going to ignore your phone all day?

Well, this is a one-time thing. I'm making the most of it.

So listen, the People's Choice people need an answer.

Do you want to be a presenter at the show?

Wow.

All business. Not all business, but might as well get it out of the way, right?

Do you wanna do it?

Honestly? No. Do you think I should?

Not really.

So it's a pass.

I guess so.

See how easy that was, if you're just honest with me?

Well, from now on I always will be.

Good.

So... this was fun, huh?

Yes this was, but until I vacate the premises, this still is the one time.

Uh-oh.

How come anytime I ask you to take a day you can't, but your little "pledge brother" comes to visit and you clear your calendar?

Because every time you ask, I have a very important meeting.

Just luck of the draw, baby.

Why is he staying with us anyway?

'Cause not everyone can afford a hotel room in Beverly Hills.

Well, not everybody likes to get sexually harassed by your fraternity brothers.

We have not seen Scott Siegal in 10 years.

Let's not live in the past. Oh, the past where he would yell

"Hey, Sweet-ass" at me and you would laugh like an idiot?

It was funny. Yeah? I never thought so.

That's because you don't have a sense of humor.

Do you know that he was ahead of Conan O'Brien at the Lampoon?

Yeah, and now he's making 'em laugh as a bartender at Hooters.

Who'da thunk it? That's when he was 27.

He could be manager of the Hooters for all we know.

And the fiancee is staying here also?

No, he's gonna actually keep her locked up in the car.

Well, he probably should if she's anything like the girl that he brought to the wedding.

Be nice. Scott could never get good-looking women, but at least he's found love.

Oh, God, I hope she's not another sh*t-putter.

He's early. Be nice.

There they are! The most powerful couple in L.A., huh?

Scotty, my man, how are you doing? Good to see you, great.

Wow, look at you.

You haven't aged a day. What do you do, Pilates three days a week? Stop it.

Come here, let me feel that tautness.

It's a joke. I'm kidding.

A little humor for old time's sake.

You look gorgeous. Get over here. Thank you.

Can I get a hug or what? Okay. Yes.

Scotty, where's this alleged fiancee of yours?

Oh, she's coming. She's coming.

Hey, baby! Come here, I wanna show you off.

Okay, babe, just give me a second, okay?

All right.

Holy sh*t.

Yeah, I scored big time, huh?

And Jewish.

Come on. Well, she's converting.

Gonna have her bat mitzvah three weeks before the wedding.

It could have been you if you didn't reject me so many times.

Oh, I missed you. Hi.

How are you doing? I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, hi.

This is Lori, Ari. Hi, hello.

Hi, it's nice to meet you. Baby, meet the only girl that could have kept us from being together.

I don't think so.

Hi, it's nice to meet you.

So nice to meet you.

He don't suspect a thing, Pauly.

No, not a thing.

Yes, I'll bring him to the marina myself.

1:00, all right. Peace.

We're in. Yes! This is gonna be sweet.

Yeah, if you don't overact. Oh, please.

Like Sandy Meisner always said to me... through the pages of his books, of course...

Of course. "Be in the moment."

Jesus, finally. Where the f*ck are you?

I'm at the house. Where are you?

I don't have a key.

You know we got Amanda in an hour, right?

No, I didn't know that. Why would I know that?

'Cause I left you five messages.

You know I don't know how to check voice mail. Why are we meeting her?

You said you would apologize for last night.

Oh, right. Okay, I will. I'll call her.

All right, look, Vince, I don't want anything hanging over this relationship, so I already called her office and set the meeting. You okay with that?

Oh, yeah. Okay.

I got another pilot today, bro'. Really?

Yeah.

That was very chivalrous, Vince.

It's been a long time since a man has sent me flowers that wasn't business related.

Well this was business related, wasn't it?

Don't be fresh. Okay, okay.

So apparently Eric put lunch on the books for today.

I know. He wants me to apologize for last night.

For which part? The part he was there for.

Well, you can tell him we handled it.

I'd rather not.

So what do you suggest?

I don't know. I think we should go to lunch.

I'd hate for him to feel slighted.

You boys have a very strange relationship.

What, lunch would be so bad?

Do you wanna go so Eric won't feel slighted or do you wanna go because you can't wait to see me again?

I don't know. Maybe both.

Well, maybe it won't be so bad.

The real key to these things, Turtle, is to go down with some dignity, and not disgrace the good Chase name by whimpering like Justin Timberlake did when he got "Punk'd."

Like you didn't cry when the IRS seized your condo.

What a man does in the sanctity of his own home is his business, Turtle.

What he does on national TV is the nation's.

Whoa, look at all the extras.

They must have spent a fortune to pull this off.

Either that or they're only here to eat and shop.

There's a spot right there. Take it.

Hey, we were here first, assh*le!

Yo, move the car. Easy, Drama. That's Chuck Liddell.

What's a Chuck Liddell? The guy's the Ultimate Fighting champ.

They call him "The Iceman." He KO'd Randy Couture twice last year.

I'm giving him the spot out of respect.

Don't be a schmuck, Turtle. Liddell's the "got."

You think? Yeah, no doubt.

Check out the hidden camera van parked conveniently right next to the empty spot.

I don't see any cameras, Drama.

They're in there, Turtle. Trust me, they're in there.

You guys gonna move?

I ain't taking any chances. We're not going anywhere.

We leave this spot, Pauly's gonna come running out, calling me a p*ssy.

If that happens, my street cred will be toast.

Come on, Drama!

C'est la vie, Turtle my boy.

Let the games begin. Look, buddy.

I was here first. I don't think so.

That spot's ours.

So why don't you and your hooptie just move along now?

My what? Your hooptie. Your beater.

Your hunk of junk. Move along.

You should watch who you're talking to like that, my friend.

I ain't your friend, tough guy. Yeah, that's right, I know who you are, you WWF wannabe.

So are you gonna move your car? Or do I gotta get in there and move it for you?

Daddy?

You're lucky my daughter's in the car.

I'd kick every tooth in your head out.

Yeah, and I would rip your foot off when you tried.

Whoa, Mr. Liddell, please don't hit me, okay?

Sorry about my friend. He just didn't take his meds today.

I'll see you around, friend.

Yeah, I hope so, Chuckie. I hope so.

Big fan.

What do you think about that for a performance?

I think that was the sickest thing I ever seen.

Yeah, so sick Pauly didn't even wanna come out of hiding.

I'm gonna go park the car.

I'm gonna find Pauly.

Pauly!

Hey Mister! Wanna buy a box of cookies?

Sure, sweetheart. Anything for the Girl Scouts.

Oh, that's my favorite. What do I owe you?

$200.

$200 for a box of cookies? I don't think so.

Pay up, Grandpa... or I'm gonna scream.

So scream.

He stole my cookies!

All right, don't scream. Don't scream, don't...

Okay, all right, whoa whoa whoa. Here...

Get away from me, you rotten kids!

All right, here, take it!

Gotcha, Drama!

You got "got!"

I got what? You got got!

You got got! You got got!

This is your "got," Pauly? What about Liddell?

What about what? Chuck Liddell, where's he at?

I don't know anything about no Chuck Liddell, Drama, but what I do know is...

You got got!

How does that feel, babe? It feels good.

Huh? That feels good.

How the f*ck did he get her? Seriously.

What, are you jealous? No.

Maybe.

Well, if that's what you want, Ari, it's not too late.

Over 10 years of marriage and no pre-nup...

I think it's a little past too late. Whatever.

Don't "whatever" me. Answer the question, baby.

How the f*ck could he have possibly gotten that?

Ari, he is one of your oldest friends. I love him, baby, but in college he couldn't close a screen door.

I think you were right. It seems like he's changed.

The sexual harasser? Well, he's grown into himself.

He wanted to feel your tautness.

Well I guess Pilates has paid off. Nice that somebody noticed.

Two meals in two days.

I'm starting to feel like one of the popular kids.

Well... this is awkward.

Last night was awkward. Oh, last night.

No, it's fine, Eric.

Really, it is. No, it's not fine, Amanda.

I think when Vince called you "cute" it came off in a way that I don't think he meant for it to come off as.

How so?

You know... why am I talking? Vince, do you wanna talk?

Sure, what do you want me to say?

You should say "I'm sorry." I'm sorry, Amanda.

For what exactly?

For calling you cute.

So you don't think I'm cute?

No, I think you're cute, but Eric doesn't think... Oh, Eric doesn't think I'm cute.

No, I just...

I think it was inappropriate for Vince to say that. I mean, wasn't it?

Oh, well, it may have been, but I mean, my feeling is that Vince didn't mean it to demean me, and I didn't take it that way.

Am I right, Vince?

Yes, you are.

Completely. But Eric is right as well, because me calling you cute might actually make you think that I look at you as a sex object, when in fact, I see you as one of the smartest, most interesting women I have ever met.

Well, thank you. As well as beautiful.

Thank you again. You're welcome again.

So we're all good then?

Yeah, I guess. Great. So what else is happening?

We were gonna discuss whether or not Vince should present at the People's Choice Awards.

Oh, yeah? What do you think? I don't think he should do it.

Me either.

Jinx.

I can't believe you f*cked her. This is so f*cked.

I don't know what you're making such a big deal about.

You don't know what I'm making such a big deal about?

You're f*cking your agent. I am not f*cking my agent.

What does that mean? It means we had sex.

Once. That's it. It wasn't emotional, and now it's over. It wasn't emotional.

You guys were like a bad Meg Ryan movie in there.

Well, it was her idea, not mine.

She was right. You know, now I can focus on work instead of wondering, you know, what it would have been like.

E, seriously, it's all good.

Just don't say anything to Amanda. It could really f*ck things up.

Oh, yeah, like they're not already? No, they're not.

They're fine. I promise, okay? Say "okay."

Okay. Just let it go already, Drama?

Let what go? Let it go?

I've got a lifetime of looking over my shoulder to look forward to.

I'm like Henry Hill. So what happened?

Chuck Liddell is gonna k*ll me. Chuck Liddell is?

Yeah. The UFC guy?

Yeah. He's big.

Why would Chuck Liddell wanna k*ll you?

Because the universe hates this current wave of success I'm having.

Johnny... I can't even speak, bro.

What the f*ck is going on, Turtle?

Yeah, Turtle. What the f*ck is going on?

It's nothing, really.

Yes, he did get into a little altercation with Chuck, but that doesn't matter. Chuck doesn't even know who he is.

Well well well, John Chase.

It's your old friend Chuck Liddell.

What are the odds? I get back to my house, look out my window, and see your chicken neck staring back at me from some douchebag f*cking NBC billboard.

Well I found you, John Chase, and I'm sure glad I did. I'll be seeing you soon, John.

Very soon.

I'm a dead man.

It is absolutely beautiful, Lori.

Scott, it's beautiful.

It's blood-free too. It costs extra, Mmm.

But Scotty wanted to be assured that no Africans lost any limbs for this.

Well, we all have to do our part. Yeah.

Is it real? Come on, what are you, kidding?

Look at that thing. It's a four-carat "D" color, man.

That thing cost more than my car.

I wouldn't brag about that, Scotty. What are you driving?

You still got that Caprice...

That you held onto for 10 years after college?

Oh, remember that piece of crap? Yeah.

Oh my God. No no.

I got the new Bentley GT now.

He bought me one too for Hanukkah. Chhh-anukkah.

Chanukah. Bentleys, huh?

That pension plan must be really paying off at Hooters.

Ari.

You still working at Hooters, Scotty?

You didn't tell... You worked at Hooters?

Years ago. Don't hold it against me.

It was back during my

"make-my-parents-feel-like- they-f*cked-me-up" phase.

I know that phase. Two years skiing in Aspen, and then I was an actress. Culinary school, but then I finally got it together and went to med school.

What, you're a doctor? Radiologist.

Babe... I'm still only a resident.

Lori, that is very impressive. Hey, look, she's only 26.

She's just a baby.

I'm just your baby. You're my baby.

What are you doing, Scotty?

God, when was the last time that we spoke?

You were selling T-shirts in Philly, Oh.

Then you kind of disappeared when I told you I'd hook you up with a job out here.

Right, Ari wanted me to come out here and work for him, like I was still his "little brother" back at the frat.

God, could this guy haze. I've heard some stories.

It's true. What are you doing now?

Actually, Ari, I don't do anything.

I made a fortune in stamps.

What?

What does that mean? Stamps?

Stamps-dot-com.

Three little words that saved my life...

"stamps, dot, com."

Got in at the beginning, sold out at the top.

Made $65 million. $65 million.

f*ck you. He's exaggerating.

Well, taxes. As usual you're right.

It's more like 45, cash.

You know? Give or take.

f*ck me. Scott, that is an amazing story.

You know what? I always knew you would find your way.

Wow, you know that means a lot to me.

So hey, how about a toast?

To all of our success and to our most beautiful women.

Oh, Scott, that is very sweet. Thank you.

Ari, come on. A hopeless romantic.

Hey... huh? Ari, cheers. Pass the love over here.

Chuck continues to tee up. Oh, Chuck!

Combinations, uppercut...

Oh, Jesus. Sweet merciful Jesus.

Say something, Vince. What do I say, Johnny?

I don't know. You always have positive things to say.

Tell me it's gonna be okay.

Everything is gonna be okay.

He's a mess. You think so?

Vince usually knows what's gonna be okay and what's not, right?

...with a vicious combination!

Nasty. He found his range at the end of the first round.

I'm a ghost. Turtle to the rescue again.

Please tell me something good. I just got off the phone with Hack.

He's got a friend, who's got a friend who trains with a Brazilian in Liddell's crew.

He scored us a couple of tickets to this exhibition fight Liddell's doing tonight down at the Music Box.

So you want me to just deliver myself to the lion's den?

Would you relax, Drama?

It's a benefit for Chuck's foundation... "Liddell's Kids."

Is that like "Jerry's Kids"?

Not exactly.

Liddell's kids are all juvenile delinquents.

He's working hard to get them off the street.

The Brazilian said Chuck has a soft side, and when he sees you come down there, support these kids and apologize, he'll drop the whole thing.

And if he doesn't?

Who knows?

What's he really gonna do to you in front of a room full of people?

That.

Unbelievable.

That would suck.

We should just tell them to go to a hotel.

I mean, they can afford it. What a difference six hours makes.

When I said that, you said, "It's only one night."

"sh*t, you could do that in a Mexican jail and come out almost as clean as you went in," I believe was the quote.

When we were 25, it was funny when he would say how hot you are.

Now it's just annoying.

No, when we were 25, he'd say stuff like "Show me your tits," or "If I hit this sh*t from half court how 'bout a blow job?"

And you'd laugh your ass off.

Now he's sort of complimentary and it's kind of sweet.

No, it's kind of sickening. You know what I think?

I think you like Scott as a loser with no money and no girls, and now he's got more money than you, and a younger girl, and you're sort of threatened.

Threatened? Yes, threatened.

And it's really immature, Ari.

Oh, it's immature that I don't like my adult friends speaking to my wife like that?

Well, obviously you do, and he does, so why don't we see how Scott likes it when I start drooling over the future Mrs. Siegal's soon-to-be-Jewish ass?

Don't look defeated already, Drama.

It's not about Liddell. It's about the delinquents.

I don't wanna make eye contact with any of them.

You scared of a bunch of teenagers?

Turtle, they can do whatever they want and not get charged as adults.

It's gonna be all right, Johnny. I promise.

I hope so.

All right, I'm gonna hit the head, guys. I'll see you in the seats.

You gonna be all right alone? Yeah, I'll be fine in the bathroom.

I'll see you guys at the seats.

All right, see ya.

With a vicious combination!

Is this the line for the bathroom?

What's the sign say?

Hello?

Hey, I just got off with the People's Choice people again, and apparently, the people have spoken, and Vince is their choice.

For what? "Favorite Male Star of Tomorrow."

Now, it's gonna be kind of hard to say no to him presenting, since he'll already be there accepting. You on board?

Sure, I'll tell him.

I know it's no Oscar, but it is from the people.

It's fine, Amanda. Really.

Then why am I sensing attitude? We're cutting you.

Hello? I'm not giving you any attitude.

Okay, now I know I'm getting attitude.

Wanna talk about it, E? Nope.

Ah... it sounds like you boys have been gossiping.

Yeah, well he didn't say anything, if that's what matters.

It was obvious.

I guess maybe it was. So what now?

You wanna get something off your chest?

Yeah. I do. You call me into your office yesterday to tell me that I'm being unprofessional, and then you go and do this? I mean, is that even legal?

I'm his agent, not his shrink.

Yeah, well I'm gonna have to be his shrink on this one, okay?

'Cause Vince has a hard time separating business and sex.

Guy almost threw away a $100 million movie last year over Mandy Moore.

I can't let that happen again.

Eric, I love that you care about Vince, but I'm a grown woman.

I'm not confused about what I want. I don't play games.

And I don't risk my career or the career of my clients on a whim.

I really like Vince.

It's as simple as that.

Scott, this steak is terrific.

Glatt kosher.

Yeah, we passed by a butcher on Fairfax, said we had to get it for you guys. We're not kosher, Scott.

Well, it was still thoughtful. It's good clean meat.

Glatt, right? Mm-hmm.

Oh, and lean. Not that you need to worry about that.

I'm surprised you eat red meat, Lori.

Why? I mean, with a body like that...

So tell us about the honeymoon.

Well, it's gonna be amazing.

Amazing like that body. 27 days, you say?

Yeah, yeah. Just the two of us. And the captain.

I thought about taking sailing lessons so we could be alone the whole time, but...

Sounds amazing. Truly amazing.

What, our honeymoon sucked? Come on.

No. And our honeymoon was amazing also, Ari.

Well, we only made it to Hawaii. Didn't have any money like most people don't when they get married.

Look, I'm sure wherever you went with this beautiful woman was absolutely heavenly. Thank you, Scott.

Just as I'm sure wherever you go with this little hottie will be more than amazing. f*ck, it'll be orgasmic.

I mean, I'm sorry, I don't mean to be rude, but ever since you got here, I have not been able to take my eyes off your ass.

I mean, it's the perfect shape.

It's like God came down, hand-crafted it, put it on a little silver tray, and hand-delivered it to my man, Scotty.

Bravo, Scotty boy!

Bravo! I'm gonna get some scotch.

I am so sorry.

Ari!

What the f*ck is wrong with you?

What, too much? Just a little.

Payback's a bitch.

I cannot believe how jealous you are of him.

It is ridiculous. He won the lottery... stamps. Com, are you kidding me?

What don't you have, Ari?

I'm sorry, is this not enough for you? It's enough for me, but I'm starting to feel that maybe it's not enough for you.

You're right, Ari. It's not enough for me.

That's why I stuck it out with you this long, in the hopes that your college friend who nauseated me would make $65 million and come back and rescue me from you.

I'm detecting sarcasm.

You're detecting a lot of sarcasm.

This is more than enough for me.

You, Ari, are more than enough for me.

Come here.

Oh, oh.

Ahem... listen, Ari, I know you were kidding out there, but Lori doesn't get frat humor, so she's outside getting a cab.

I'm gonna grab the bags, and we're gonna go to a hotel.

But listen, I'll be back in a couple of months, and we'll grab a steak and a couple of dancers over at the Rhino, all right?

Sorry. Take care.

Should we try to stop them?

No, the kids are at your mom's.

Let's burn the house to the ground. Okay.

Come on, Chuck! Choke him out! Easy, Drama.

It's an exhibition fight. There ain't no way he's losing.

Which is good, because he'll definitely be happier than if he lost.

Yeah, exactly. And if my cheering has anything to do with it, I will not be silenced.

Come on, Chuck! Finish the punk off!

Yeah! Oh!

Yeah! Yeah, Champ!

Yeah, Champ! Yeah!

Yeah, Champ!

You? What are you doing here?

Chuck, Chuck.

Masterful fight, my friend.

Congratulations. Get in the ring, Chase.

That won't be necessary, Chuck.

I merely came to apologize.

And to contribute to this most important charity.

As a troubled youth myself, I could only have dreamed of having a role model like you to keep me off the streets.

Quit your ass-kissing, and get in the ring.

Or do I need to come out there and get you?

Where's the nearest exit? Not near enough, Drama.

We're waiting, John.

Vince? What can I do, Johnny?

Nothing, bro'.

You've done enough. I love you.

Friends, this guy took my parking spot today.

Then he told me to "F" myself in front of my baby girl.

So kids, kids, this is the kind of guy you don't wanna be.

This guy's a punk.

And what do we do with punks?

Take him down!

Put him down!

That's right. We take them down.

But not in the streets.

Here in the Octagon.

Kick his ass!

It was a mistake, Chuck. I swear.

It was just a giant misunderstanding.

I thought it was this stupid-ass hidden camera show called "Gotcha."

I should have known better.

Chuck, I would never disrespect you.

So please...

...accept this sincere apology.

Johnny, get down on your knees and beg for forgiveness, and I might show you mercy. Do it!

Yeah, get down on your knees.

Please, Chuck... Look, John, you got two choices... either you get down or we throw down.

p*ssy!

"Gotcha," John.

Huh?

Got you, you son of a bitch!

You got got!

Yeah, you got got!

You got got!

You got got! You got got! You got got!

You got got! You got got!

Sorry, I hope you're a good sport, bro'.

f*ck it. Two pilots in one season.

Yeah! Yeah!

You got got!

You got got, baby!

You asked for it.

You got got!

You missed it. It's all good, E.

Pauly's gonna hook us up with the footage so we can relive the agony of defeat over and over again. Nice.

Where were you? I was on the phone with Amanda.

Tell me you didn't say something stupid.

Come on, E, you promised.

Yeah, and you told me you were with "jewelry store girl."

Looks like we're both liars.

All right, whatever. It's no big deal.

I told you it was a one-time thing.

I'm not sure she sees it that way, Vince.

She said she really likes you.

Really? She said that?

Yeah, she said that. What are you smiling about?

I don't know, because I think I like her too.