03x20 - Adios, Amigos

[bunniefuu]

60 million bucks just to have sex with her?

Come on, Vince, you could've done it. You've done worse.

"Worse"? What are you talking about? He was ready to do it for free.

You sound like you think I should've done it.

You should've at least considered it, bro.

I know I did when I was similarly propositioned.

Someone offered you money to f*ck, Drama?

Yeah, that's right, hater.

"Viking Quest" convention, '99.

A guy from Orlando offered me 50 bucks to photograph me banging his wife while wearing my Tarvold costume.

Jesus Christ, what did you say?

I said no. What the f*ck you think I said?

But I did let her blow me in the car when hubby hit the roulette table.

So what now?

Sell blood like Robert Rodriguez?

Nah, I'm not worried.

Really?

Maybe a little. Yeah.

We'd better go.

Feel free to grab one, Turtle.

Why couldn't we pay someone to do this?

You could've. We are trying to save money.

Looks like it's time for everyone to start thinking about their individual futures. How sad.

Aw, come on, stop your moping.

We are all good. Think about it.

This place is gonna feel like a jail cell compared to the digs at the Mondrian.

I think E's house is the one that's gonna feel like a jail cell.

Oh boy, here we go. And I think I speak for everyone... don't know why you're not going to the hotel.

Because I have a girlfriend with a big apartment.

I don't see the need to waste money, especially when I don't have any.

Never move in with a girl for financial reasons.

Never never never. 'Cause once you're in, you never get out.

I'm not moving in with her.

I'm just staying there until we leave to sh**t the movie.

And that girl from "Silence of the Lambs" was just "staying" in that well.

Hey. Guys.

The house... get over here.

Say goodbye.

Goodbye, house.

That's the last of it.

Sloan, he's all yours.

And I promise to take excellent care of him.

He needs little snacks in between meals.

Otherwise his blood sugar drops and he gets very cranky.

No naps, otherwise he can't sleep at night.

Okay. Thank you for the tips.

Do you guys want a drink?

No thanks, we're gonna hit Urth Cafe.

So what are you two lovebirds gonna do?

I think E's gonna take me for a special lunch to thank me for my hospitality.

Oh yeah?

He... he didn't mention that. Hmm.

Give me something good, Ari.

How about something great?

Nicky Rubenstein turned 35 today.

And why do I care?

You care because his trust fund kicks in and he wants to get out from the shadow of his pops.

He wants to meet on "Medellin" and he's bringing his checkbook.

Really? What?

Nicky Rubenstein's got the money for "Medellin."

Ari, is this for real? It is for real, Vinny.

The little prick is on his way to the office right now.

Why don't you boys come in for a talk? Okay.

He wants us at his office now. Let's go.

Right now? Now.

Go, baby, it's fine. You sure?

Yeah, of course I am. This is huge.

Okay. I'll make it up to you tonight at a nice dinner, okay?

Did you see the look on Sloan's face when E had to cancel their special lunch?

It was just like the look on my face when he told us he was gonna be living with her.

There was no look. She couldn't have been cooler.

Sloan is not like other girls. All girls are like other girls, E.

Just like all guys are like other guys.

The world is split in two groups: Penises and pussies.

Penises want to run free, pussies want to land the penis.

Amazing you guys have such a hard time getting laid.

Whatever. Go get your money. Let's roll.

Where to?

If you guys are really leaving for Colombia, this network-series star better find himself a place to live.

Come on. You buying lunch?

Yeah, sure, but no appies.

E's not the only one watching his budget.

We'll see you guys later.

See you.

My father will not be involved in this at all.

"Medellin" is my thing.

My sh*t, my way.

Fantastic.

What?

What? I can sense that mocking condescending tone in there.

No no, Nicky, there is no mocking.

I've known this guy since I was a kid and he still looks at me like I'm a spoiled prick.

Are you kidding? I look at you with awe of all of your accomplishments.

Right. Hey, I don't care. Truth of the matter is I got so much money now I can sit on my ass and f*ck models for the rest of my life if I wanted to.

I'm not a model, I'm a singer. I'm just making a point, sweetheart.

Anyway? Anyway, the studio budgeted the film at 65 million.

You're gonna give us that?

No, it's a studio budget. That's ridiculous. I got 25.

25's not enough, Nicky. That's what I got.

And you know what, Nicky? It's plenty.

What do you know about a movie budget, Ari?

What do you know, mini-producer?

I know that three studios budgeted it and all of them were over 65 million.

Even if they inflated it 20% we're still not even close.

You make concessions.

Like what, sh**t in Malibu for Colombia?

They sh*t "King Kong" in New Zealand and that monkey climbed up the Empire State Building.

If you want this thing, you figure out a way to make it work.

They always fight this much? Uh-huh.

Look, guys, this is what I got and it's kind of non-negotiable.

So if you think you can make it work, I'm in for letting you do it how you want to.

All right? So what do you think?

E? I think this movie needs a director with a vision and a guy that knows how to stretch a dollar.

Walsh.

Yep. You know a director named Billy Walsh, Nicky?

Are you kidding? "I am Queens Boulevard."

Boom.

This is just temporary housing until I find something I really want to live in.

No problem, we have month-to-month leases.

Fantastic.

You're on that show...

"Five Towns," right?

Indeed I am. I knew it!

Are you a fan? My daughter is.

She loves that young boy who's always taking his shirt off.

Mm, cutie. Oh, yeah.

So doesn't the star of his own TV show want something bigger?

No, a loft is all I need.

You should get a little extra space, Drama.

I'll get extra space when I know if my show gets picked up.

I'm not getting sucked into the trappings of celebrity life again.

I'm not doing it.

Okay... here we are.

You gotta be kidding me.

Quiet. It's perfect.

So what is he sh**ting?

He didn't say.

Is he even available? He didn't say.

Look, there's a camera truck.

This must be the place.

Oh, beautiful, beautiful... beautiful.

Okay, now push in.

Oh yeah. You ready for your pop sh*t, Phillipe?

Oh oh, I think I blew it.

Again you blew it? You useless putz!

Sorry, Wally.

"Boogie Nights ll"?

Oh! There they are, the suit and the star.

Hey, everybody, wake up. A real actor just arrived on the set.

You could all learn a thing or two from him.

Hey. What's up, Billy?

It's Wally around here.

I'm breaking for lunch.

Amuse yourselves. Come on, Vin, we'll go talk.

Hey, Billy.

Hey, they allow pets if you wanted me to take Arnold.

I would not subject Arnold to that sh*thole.

You'd rather board him?

I'd rather put him out on the streets and let him fend for himself.

To each his own, but he's always welcome.

You too, Turtle. Thanks.

Hey, Shauna, how is my lovely publicist doing?

I'm not your publicist till you write a check, you cheap f*ck.

Until then I'm simply doing Vince a favor.

Well, whatever it is you're doing, I do appreciate it. So what's up?

I'm trying to find out if you're actually renting an $800-a-month studio?

It's a loft. How'd you know? "US Weekly" just called.

Apparently your new landlord likes to talk.

Sweet. Do they want to do a photo sh**t over there?

No one's photographing anything, Drama. I told them it wasn't true.

Why? Because Vincent Chase's brother cannot be living like a transient cr*ck whore, not while Vince doesn't have job.

You're on a network f*cking show.

Wake up, get a life and get a place with two toilets, if not for you, for Vince.

So that this town doesn't get the impression that he sold his house because he's broke, even if he is.

Will you do that for Vince, Drama? Yeah, of course I will.

Great, there's an apartment at 8812 Burton Way I just looked at with a client. It'd be perfect for you.

Great area, reasonably priced. What's reasonable?

Goodbye, Drama. Make sure she doesn't take a nap.

I don't want to be up all f*cking night.

What's up?

My budget. Take us to 90210.

So the suit is producing a movie, huh?

Actually, we're both producing it.

What do you know about producing a movie, suit?

I know a good script. Says who?

I found "Queens Boulevard," didn't I?

Ah, the luck of the Irish.

Hey, come on, Billy, what do you say?

You want to make a movie?

I'm making movies, Vince, my way.

Your way? They're calling you "Wally" in there.

What's that all about?

"Wally Balls"... that's my alias.

It's catchy, ain't it?

And they gave me a 25-picture deal after seeing me sh**t only one scene.

Billy Walsh is gonna bring the 1970s-type class back to p*rn. And the wide bush.

We got a real movie here, Billy. You're gonna love it.

It's right up your alley.

Suit, you got no f*cking idea what my alley is.

I never made movies for money and I never made movies to please anybody but myself, and, Vince, as great as it was to make "QB" the pain of having it ripped away from me and f*cking butchered was just too much to bear.

I really appreciate you coming down here but I'm sorry.

Yeah, me too, Billy. Me too.

Suit, best of luck to you, all right?

Yeah, you too, Billy.

I guess you don't need luck though, right?

It looks like you got everything you need right here.

Insult me, suit, and I will bite off your f*cking nose.

You know what? I've knocked out guys taller than you.

f*ck you. f*ck you.

Hey, guys guys, come on.

You're right, I don't know anything about producing movies but I do know this guy, this script and you directing... even though you are a total douchebag... is a home run.

Give me the script, suit. I need an hour.

Evette, get me a fluffer in the greenroom.

I got reading to do.

Yeah, we'll be waiting.

Really?

Yeah, what else we got to do?

f*cking Beverly Hills... even the water's pricier here.

I don't know, it looks pretty nice to me, especially compared to that dump we just left.

Don't be fooled by the exterior, Turtle.

This place will be half the size and twice the price just so you can tell people you got the same zip as Shannen Doherty.

Hello?

We're here to see the two bedroom.

Gentlemen.

My God.

Arnold could definitely stay here.

Everything's been redone and restored in the past nine months... marble bathroom floors, sunken tub, steam shower.

Whoa, look at this view.

Look at this kitchen.

All Viking. It was put in when one of the contestants from "The Iron Chef" stayed here.

So what do you think?

I think it's fantastic.

I think it's home.

Great. Ahem.

But there are some problems.

For one, if I had my druthers, I would face northeast not southwest, which this clearly does.

And $2500 a month is not what I was planning on spending.

What kind of wiggle room you got there?

$2500 a month? No.

This is a condo. It's for sale at 1.4 million.

1.4 million?

Wait, is this 8812 Burton Way?

No, it's 8814.

Oh.

I never did two guys before.

There's a first time for everything, right?

I guess.

Awesome. Yeah?

Yeah, I bought it. Sweet.

Want to run it again?

Yeah. Okay.

Pick any restaurant you want. Wow, so accommodating.

I'm feeling good. I'm just praying this maniac likes the script.

All right, I'll wear my good-luck Manolos. How about Giorgio's?

Perfect. 8:00?

Sounds good.

Love you. Love you too.

Vinny! Yo.

Vincent! Talk to me, what?

Pablo Escobar?

Pablo f*cking Escobar?

I wanted to make a movie about this guy since the first time I read a story about him blowing up that airliner. I love Pablo Escobar.

So you like the script?

What, was I not just f*cking clear?

Can you do it for 25 million?

I don't see why not.

I need to talk to the financier.

No problem.

I love it, Vince. Thank you.

We're gonna win you an Oscar.

These hallways are too narrow.

Stop complaining. And it's hot.

What, they got no freaking air conditioner in this place?

Jeez, you're a misery.

This is the unit right here.

It's so spacious and lovely.

I'm sure it is.

Huh. It's not bad.

Eat-in kitchen, two bedrooms, two baths walking distance from all the major shops.

What do you think? I hate it.

Drama, come on, this is a nice place in a nice area and it's not that expensive. What's the problem?

The problem is I want that condo.

Will you calm down, Nicky?

Don't tell me to calm down, E.

Your boy Walsh, he might be a genius, but he's also an assh*le.

What's the problem? The guy wants more money.

More money?

Yeah, and he keeps calling me "trust-fund baby."

Jesus. Yeah, right?

Also, I can't say for sure but I get the distinct feeling the guy's trying to tell me that he f*cked my girlfriend.

That's him calling on the other line right now.

I'm gonna take care of it, don't worry.

Get him in line, E.

Billy. Hey, E.

This financier of yours is a bigger jerkoff than you are.

What are you asking for more money for?

What are you taking his side? You're my producer.

I'm not taking sides.

f*ck you, suit.

I love producing.

The place Shauna sent me is a complete sh*thole.

It's only temporary, right, Johnny?

Yeah, but it doesn't mean I should live like an animal, bro.

I thought you were getting a nicer place for Vince.

That was until I saw the kitchen.

Now it's for me.

So do it. Say "f*ck it." I always do.

What if my show doesn't get picked up?

It premiered to 16 million viewers. It's getting picked up.

And if it don't, you've been kicked out of a condo before.

It's got to be easier the second time.

Vince, you really think I should do it?

Johnny, if it makes you happy, make them a modest offer.

If they accept it, great. If not, move on.

Yeah.

I'm going to lowball the sh*t out of them.

I have dinner plans already.

No, what you have is a very nervous moneyman, E.

I told him I'd handle this, so why is he calling you?

He's calling me because he sort of sees me as a second father and he sort of sees you as a guy who has no idea how to produce.

Now, I suggest you produce yourself at dinner to calm everyone down.

Will I see you at dinner?

Yes, and thank you for the fatherly advice as always.

We got to have dinner with Walsh and Rubenstein tonight.

Disaster.

It's not a disaster, it'll be fine.

I meant a disaster that you got to cancel another meal on Sloan.

Yeah, Jesus, you're in deep sh*t. What is wrong with you guys?

I've stayed at Sloan's 100 times over the past two years.

What exactly do you think has changed?

The boxes, E. You brought over boxes.

You planted a flag.

Canceling a meal is going to be a whole lot different after a planting.

Are you sure you're not mad?

Why do you keep asking me that?

It's not that big of a deal. We'll have dinner tomorrow night, right?

Of course. Anywhere you want, I promise.

Don't promise, E.

Huh?

Oh, I just mean you don't know what might happen tomorrow.

So you are mad.

I'm not mad. I am being funny... I thought.

Can I put this in the other room?

Sure.

And I am not hanging that.

What, you don't like this?

This will look great above the TV.

What the hell are we doing?

About what?

About us.

About us? Yeah.

Wow.

"Wow" what?

The guys said you were gonna give me a hard time about staying here.

Oh, so now I'm that girl.

I don't know, are you?

All right, you know what? I'm not gonna fight with you.

You've had a stressful day with the movie stuff and the move so let's just talk tomorrow.

Oh, I'm sorry. You're upset... I want to talk now.

Okay.

What is your plan?

If you go and sh**t this movie for six months, I want to know what me and all these boxes are waiting for.

Can I be honest? Yeah.

I've been so caught up trying to put this movie together I haven't really thought about it.

Okay, I understand. Can I be honest?

Yeah.

You really need to.

So you like the place?

I like it. I don't love it.

He doesn't love it.

But you love the Viking kitchen, right?

Again, I like it. I don't love it.

He doesn't love it.

You boys are trying to haggle, yes?

Yes. No.

No.

I don't haggle. The price is $1.4 million.

Well, this being a buyer's market, my offer is 950,000 and that's final.

1.4 million.

1. 1.

1.4.

Sir, I woke up this morning with a budget mapped out in my head of $1,000 a month.

Obviously I have stepped up considerably but there are limits, and we have reached mine.

I'm sorry to hear that.

All right, let's roll.

1.2.

There is no negotiating. 1.3.

Drama!

Excuse me one moment.

Yeah?

You're the worst negotiator I've ever seen.

I'm just working him in, Turtle.

You figured out your finances.

You came up with 1. 1, which is already a huge stretch.

Now you're offering 1.3?

You're not working anybody. Come on, get it under control.

You're right, you're right. Here he comes.

I'm afraid that was another offer at full listing.

He's bluffing.

Am I?

Thank you, sir, I appreciate your time.

I do yours as well.

1.5!

Done.

f*ck it. 16 million viewers our first week?

We're gonna be the next "Seinfeld."

Where do I sign?

I got you set up right here.

I need 30... I can't do it for a dollar less than that.

I don't have any more money for you, big guy.

Oh, come on, you probably got the cash out in your car, trust-fund baby. Now just pony it up.

Stop calling me trust-fund baby, you f*cking orangutan!

Guys, this is getting us nowhere. We got a budget here.

Hey, senior and junior suits, let the creative people talk to the money people.

My line producer has done a budget and it's a budget that nobody else on the planet f*cking earth could do to make this movie, but it is the bare minimum.

You understand that? It cannot be done for less.

Who is your line producer? Where is this budget?

I'm my f*cking line producer, trust-fund baby.

And it's right here. Your own stationery?

Now I'm gonna go dump... you let me know.

But let me say this: Making a movie is like going to w*r.

And as we've all learned, you don't go to w*r underprepared and underfinanced.

Oh, and I want final cut and that's not negotiable.

Forget this. No no, it's my f*cking money. Forget it!

Will you calm down?

Ari! What do you want me to do?

Get rid of this guy. We're not getting rid of him.

Vince, the guy is a loose cannon. He is our guy, Nicky.

Nicky, we've worked with him, all right?

I hate him as much as you do, but this guy is magic on the set.

He is going to make a brilliant movie, I know it.

And it's gonna be your brilliant movie, not your father's.

Yeah.

Oh, f*ck it.

Fine.

What's $5 million?

Right?

That is a lot of f*cking zeroes.

All right, I got to go to Genghis Cohen... my girl's singing there.

I'm gonna need this... All right.

...you'll need this. Have fun.

Did he sign it? Yeah.

30 million.

Made out to cash?

Give me that check, Ari.

Did this just f*cking happen? It just... it f*cking happened.

Sake bombs.

Bogota, baby.

What?

I can't believe you pulled this off.

We pulled it off.

Come on. You found the script, you picked the director, you convinced the financiers.

So you think I can produce?

I think you just did. And, E, I think you don't have to go to Colombia if you don't want to. What are you talking about?

If you want to stay back with Sloan, stay and find the next project.

This is the one we've been waiting for, the one that's gonna set us up for the rest of our lives.

I want to see it through to the end. And Sloan?

She's gonna have to wait. What if she doesn't?

Hey, girls, we're home.

Your brother's a mess.

What's your problem?

It's deja vu all over again, bro.

I overextended myself.

If it doesn't work, I'm back out on the streets.

Come here. Come on, come out here.

Look out at those lights.

This is our city.

Come on, it's all gonna work out.

The universe always had a plan.

I don't believe in any of that cosmic karmic bullshit, so what if it doesn't?

If it doesn't, you can always move back in with Vince.

Please, baby brother's broker than me.

That's a tongue twister.

"Baby brother's broker than me.

Baby brother's broker than me." No, it's not.

Come here, Turtle.

Tell them. You want me to tell them?

Tell them.

We got the money... we're making "Medellin."

For real this time? For real.

Sweet!

Vinny Chase is back, baby!

Hey, this calls for toasts.

Turtle, go get some bubbly.

On the hop, let's go.

Look at this... Walsh.

Uh-oh.

What's going on, Billy? You getting amped?

The ideas are flowing, suit.

Genius plan number one: I'm sh**ting the whole thing in Spanish.

Billy...

I'm not sure that's such a good idea.

Oh well, good thing I don't give a f*ck what you or anyone else thinks.

Got to love final cut.

That's sweet.

What's up?

He said he wants to sh**t the whole thing in Spanish.

Huh.

It could work.

To "Medellin," baby.

To Medellin, to friendship

...and to tons of Colombian p*ssy!

To "Medellin"!