Just Go With It (2011)

[bunniefuu]

Cleaned, corrected and missing
dialog dashes added by Tronar

I'm so happy you picked
this dress, Veruca!

You look beautiful. Doesn't she?

You guys, I'm getting married!

I'm getting married!

Not without your
veil, you're not.

Where is that bad boy?

Oh, I think I left it upstairs.

Don't worry. I'll get it,

sis.

She is so annoying.

And so ugly.

She looks like Karl Malden.

I know, and she's gonna be

my sister-in-law in an hour!

How are you
gonna deal with that?

I'm just gonna lay
down the law for Danny.

We're seeing his goofy family
as little as possible.

You sure he's gonna
go along with that?

Danny doesn't say no to me.

Believe me, I have
him well-trained.

So, tell us, what happened
with Eric last night?

So, I told him if he wanted
to stop the wedding,

he had to speak now or
forever hold his peace.

And what'd he say?

He said he's never
gonna settle down,

and I should just go
ahead and marry Danny.

Did he give you a
wedding present, huh?

You're so horny! Yeah.

I guess you could call it that.

You're so bad!

It's the last time, I swear.

Yeah, right!

Danny is so sweet
and considerate.

And he's gonna be
a cardiologist.

So, I'm marrying him

and that zucchini in the
middle of his face.

His parents are
disgusting, too!

Close your eyes
when he's on top!

And your thighs!

Cuz, I'm so sorry.

Yikes, that hurt.

That was me, Danny
Maccabee, 20 years ago.

Pathetic, huh?

So, I'm halfway done
boozing away my sorrows,

when something pretty
interesting happened.

Oh, baby, you're
like a Pop Tart,

hot and sweet!

Hey, mami!

You must play the
trumpet or something,

'cause you're making me
feel all horny and stuff!

You dropped your purse.

Can I just sit for 10 seconds

and not get hit on? Thank you.

I was just letting you know
you dropped your purse.

- I'm sorry. I thought...
- That's fine, that's fine.

I'm sure you didn't meet the
lady who gave you that ring

in a meat market like this.

School cafeteria.

How long you been married?

I was gonna tell her,
I really was.

But I didn't want her to
know what a loser I was,

so I stretched the
truth a little.

Six years.

Where's your wife tonight?

I stopped asking that
question a long time ago.

That's terrible.

My wife says I work too much.

Trying to provide for her,
her shopping addiction,

and cr*ck.

Why don't you just leave her?

The children.

All 14 of them.

I just, I like to adopt,

and I don't wanna
stop doing that.

You poor guy.

You wanna get outta here?

And so I discovered

the power of the wedding ring.

The symbol of my humiliation

had become a tool to
get back on the horse.

Are you kidding me?
Snuffleupagus!

I switched my specialty from
cardiology to plastic surgery,

got rid of the big honker,

and the ring became my thing.

I just assumed after we got married
she'd stop hooking, but...

You need to put this wedding
band on a true heart.

This is a good moment.

Yeah. Should we go make it last,

for a while, somewhere?

Okay, let's go. To your dorm.

Sometimes I think about

throwing the ring
into the ocean.

I know how wrong it is.
But I can't.

It's my Precious.

Besides, being fake married

is the perfect way to make sure

I never get my heart
broken again.

What are these?

Boobie bags.

The women, they stick them
in their flat chesties,

make them big.

These are not the boobie
bags that I ordered.

What is that?

It's like a syrup
dispenser at an IHOP.

I don't know what that is.

Come on. These, they
don't feel like these.

No... Seriously?

I just trying to learn.

Listen, Dr. Maccabee would
never accept subpar boobs.

Would you please just
get me what I ordered

and tell Omar that I would like a
discount for the inconvenience?

- Yes, ma'am.
- Thank you, Simon.

- My 4:00 here?
- Yeah.

Room one, Kirsten Brant.
Don't laugh.

Well, I, uh... I had
bad plastic surgery.

Should've known this
doctor was a quack.

His office was in,
like, a warehouse.

I see, I see.

Questions?

No, no. Just, please
help me, Doctor.

Absolutely. It's usually easier

to do these things right
the first time, but...

What? You seem dubious.

Hmm?

Oh, no, not at all.

I mean, I hear you're the best,
Dr. Maccabee.

I don't know about that,

but I think we can figure
something out here.

Relax, relax.

That's relaxed? Hmm.

Here, let me just pull
it down for a sec.

And I let go. Okay, sh**t right
back up there.

- I'm sorry.
- Oh. Sorry about what?

Oh, my God! It's just...

That just really
went right up there.

That was high.
You gotta watch that.

It's gonna get
caught in your hair.

I don't know, maybe I should
just keep it like this.

It seems to make
other people happy.

No. But, seriously, are you available
for my kid's birthday party?

That's too much.
I'm sorry!

Let me give you a hug.

That's what you need first.
We'll fix this.

Mmm.

Oh, God! Okay, I gotta...

I'm gonna excuse myself.
I'm sorry.

Ding-dong!

Eddie's here. Hey. My cousin.

Oh.

Oh, my gosh.

Brows gone wild over here.

I'm actually digging it.

And what are you doing later?

Oh!

Oh, sorry, I'm kind of seeing anybody else.
There you go.

Oh, browch.

My gosh.

Look, I don't know
who you're seeing,

but whoever they are,

they don't have what this guy's got
down there, you know what I mean?

All right, Eddie.

Yeah, it's a very good one.
I should know, I installed it.

Oh, you had a
penile enlargement?

Yes.

People really do that?
That is hilarious!

See you on the 28th,
Dr. Maccabee!

Dude, why are you telling
everybody about my surgery?

Am I hiding the
secrets around here?

You don't think Katherine
knows about this?

Katherine was in the
room when I did that.

She held the magnifying glass.

I did. And the tweezer.

Real nice.

Did you get a chance
to try it out yet?

Uh, yeah. I've banged it up.

It's got a couple dents.
I'm not gonna lie.

- Yeah.
- You did?

Not from a human.

It's got... From
this doll I made.

Oh.

Hey, Adon. Yo, yo.

Danny! I am so happy
you could be here!

- How are you, baby?
- Did you bring any Botox?

I didn't bring the Botox.
I brought my cousin, Eddie.

Nice to meet you, Eddie.

Is this a Halloween party?

Are you kidding me right now?

You got a little
more work done, huh?

Yeah, just a little bit,
just tweaking, tweaking.

Maintenance, maintenance.

I just wanna stay
in the game, Danny.

I don't wanna hit home runs,
just some singles. That's all.

You gotta stop, though,
I'm telling you.

Do you have any
feeling in your face?

Just in this one
spot right here.

And then from the eyebrows
down, dead, dead.

Is that a car alarm?

- He's laughing, he's laughing.
- Oh, okay.

I wanted to go to your
cousin Danny here,

but he refused to do any work.

He didn't wanna put his
fingers in the pie. Ooh!

It was getting dangerous.
This amount...

You gotta slow it down.

Okay, see? That shouldn't
be happening right now.

Adon! Adon, Adon, Adon!

Ariel cut open his knee.
It looks awful.

What happened?
Settle, settle.

What do you expect
me to do about it?

It's bleeding.

You know what?
I could stitch him up.

- Why don't you go get me my bag?
- All right.

So, you fell down
the stairs, huh?

Yeah.

Mmm-hmm.

Did you trip over something?

Was there a skateboard
there, or...

No, I was distracted
by something.

What distracted you?

A girl.

A girl, okay.
Was it your mother?

No!

'Cause she just looks good.

That's your stepmom.
I can talk like that.

All right. This is lidocaine.
Don't think about it.

Ow!

Don't think about it.
Think about your face.

Good, good.

Blonde, brunette, redhead?

Blonde, tan, tall, rocking body.

Nipples.

Want me to numb
something else for you?

You're getting a little
nutty over there.

No! No, I'm good.
I'm good.

I'm alive! I'm alive, everybody!

Good job, Doctor.
That was really nice.

The distraction, I'm guessing.

The what?

The boy was distracted.
That's why he fell.

So, I'm taking the rap for this.

Yes. Your hotness basically
pushed him down the stairs.

Good luck proving that
in court, Wisengruber.

Wisengruber? Is that
what they're saying

on the Gossip Girl nowadays?

I knew you two would
eventually find each other!

But be careful, Palmer,
these plastic surgeons,

they really know how to operate.

Yeah, all right, Adon.
All right.

I just don't know
about plastic surgery.

I mean, doesn't it
always look so fake?

Depends who's doing it. I'm pretty
good at it. I'm telling you.

- Some of my patients are here tonight.
- Oh, really?

Really, really. Look around,

see if you can find
someone decent-looking.

How 'bout her?

The lady from Saw?

Fine. Who did you do?

All right. I hate
to rat the guy out,

but see that guy over there?

You mean Sexy Ass?

Before I met him, he
was No Buns Bobby.

Really?

- His back went straight to his legs.
- No kidding.

He'd go to the bathroom,

he'd slide right in the toilet.

I know, I know, that's
really romantic, isn't it?

So, North Carolina, how long
have you lived here in LA?

I've been here almost two years.

Uh-huh. That's a lot of
auditioning for you.

You think I'm an actress?

I guarantee you're an actress.

Well, guess again, Doc.
I teach sixth grade math.

They got no schools in North
Carolina to teach at?

My parents divorced.

Had a pretty nasty
one, actually,

- when I was in the eighth grade.
- Mmm-hmm.

And... I don't know. I got
tired of picking sides, so...

Okay.

I thought I'd make a change
and, yeah, move out to LA.

You came to the right place.
No one gets divorced in LA.

Mmm-hmm.

I've never hung out with a girl your age.
This is nice.

Oh, no. Your first lie to me.

You're good. All right.

I've never hung out with
a girl your age and

connected the way
we are right now.

Actually, I've never
connected with,

I don't think any
girl at any age.

See? I can tell
when you're lying

- and when you're telling the truth.
- Oh.

Yeah. The second thing
I said was the truth.

I know.

Oh, my God. That was the
greatest night of my life.

Yeah. This feels
like it could be...

I don't know, a real thing.

It's a thing all right, Palmer.

Well, I have to get to work,

but how 'bout I take your number

and then you can take me out
on a proper date next time?

I got a business card in my
pocket if you wanna get that.

You better call.

You better not just,
just leave me hanging.

I'd get it for you myself,

but I don't want you to see
me naked in the daylight.

It could be a deal breaker.

What's this?

A circle?

A wedding ring?
You're married?

No, no, no, I'm not,
I'm not married.

That is a... That is...
That's not mine.

Whose wedding ring is
in your pants, Danny?

All right, listen, just give
me a minute to explain this.

Please.

It's gonna take
more than a minute.

I am such an idiot!

No, no, no, no, no.

Don't call me!

No, Palmer!

I told you that this whole
fake marriage thing

was just gonna come and
bite you in the ass.

Why don't you just
tell her the truth?

You think I can
tell her the truth?

Let me practice.
You be her right now.

Oh, good. Okay, hold on.

Okay. She's not like
that, but anyways.

Um, I wear this fake
wedding ring sometimes...

You're a pig.

Sorry. You're a pig.

What's wrong?
You're walking really weird.

My back. I slept on
the beach last night.

God Almighty.

When are you gonna
strengthen your spine?

Seriously, Flomax.

You gotta work out more
than once a month.

I can't, I don't have
time to work out.

You do. You can't
say that, Danny.

My mother always said Cary
Grant never went to the gym.

Only took the stairs, every
day, never an elevator.

You wanna hear my impression of
Cary Grant's butler?

Nuh-uh.

- Watch.
- What?

Hello? No, he's dead.

Okay, bye-bye.

That's good. That's funny.

Mom, give me some money.

Hi. How are you?

Nice to see you, kids.

Please be polite and say hello to
Dr. Maccabee.

'Ello, Dr. Danny.

'Ow is you today?

Is that my associate,
Dr. Doolittle?

Why is she talking like that?

She's been working
on some accents.

I am takin' an acting
class this summer, I is.

Gonna be the next
Miley Cyrus, I am.

How 'bout you, young man?
Do you like Hannah Montana?

No. I like Californication.

When do you ever watch
Californication?

Rosa lets us watch Showtime
when she calls her boyfriend.

Eat the mushroom!
Eat the mushroom! Yes!

Mmm. You run a tight
ship at home, huh?

Dr. Danny?

Yeah?

Will you take me to Hawaii so
I can swim with the dolphins?

Take you to Hawaii?
No.

I saw a show on the
Discovery Channel.

They say in Hawaii
they have dolphins

that you can swim with
if you pay money.

Okay.

But I don't have any money.
And my mom says you're rich.

- Michael!
- No, it's fine.

Maybe you should
make your own money.

Maybe a paper route or
something like that?

'Cause rich people don't
give other people trips.

That's why they remain rich.
You understand?

But my mom says you do charity
for kids all the time.

I do charity work like I fix a
cleft lip or a child's deformity.

I don't take them to Hawaii.
I could get arrested for that.

What if I was deformed?
Then would you take me to Hawaii?

If you were deformed,
I'd bring you to Hawaii,

but I'd leave you there, 'cause
I wouldn't want to look at you.

Okay. Here's the money,
and I want change.

And I wanna hear back

that you actually ate the
food that I am paying for.

Mom, before we go,
can I make a Devlin?

Sure. Down the hall.
Will you please go with him?

We open in five minutes and I am
not having him sit there forever.

Bloody hell right,
I will, Mumsy!

All right, Winston Churchill.

He said,
"I gotta make a Devlin".

- What does that mean?
- Uh...

It's just a friend of mine who
was in my sorority in college

named Devlin Adams, and...

Well, I wouldn't say friend.
I'd say more my nemesis.

- Oh, so she was a frenemy?
- Yes.

You'd probably like her.
She's really, really fake.

Ah.

Always had to have
the coolest clothes

and the hottest boys
and, you know...

- She bothers you.
- A lot.

So, one night, I was just
having a glass of wine.

- A bottle.
- A bottle.

And, uh...

And I just got so tired of
the kids saying things like,

"I gotta take a crap."

"I gotta take a dump."

So, I told them that it was
called "making a Devlin",

and they liked it.

And it stuck.

I always call it
making a black pickle.

- Making a what?
- I don't say that.

- Out loud? Good.
- To others. No.

What are we gonna do about
my love life, though?

Oh, Danny, I would feel
terrible for you if I had any,

even the slightest,
investment in you

successfully banging
23-year-olds.

Holy Devlin, you're
not listening to me.

This is like not some
bull-Devlin fling.

I mean, I'm serious.

This is the real Devlin.
I could...

I swear to God, I could see
myself ending up with this girl.

Oh.

You're right. You can't
tell her the truth.

High score!

Oh, God. Sorry.

I'm glad someone's doing good.

You know what?
You don't wanna get serious,

'cause when you get serious,
that leads to marriage,

and then marriage leads to
divorce, and divorce is just...

I mean, look at these poor kids.

You know, their dad was
supposed to pick them up today.

- He was a no-show?
- Again.

But you know what?

At least I got my head
together and I divorced him.

Yeah, yeah.

Wait a minute.

You go ahead without me.

Oh, no, no, no.

Palmer, Palmer, Palmer,
Palmer, Palmer.

I told you I didn't
want to see you.

I just want to explain
something to you.

Let me explain something to you.

I do not date married men.

My father cheated on my
mom when I was young.

I am not going to
be the other woman!

Adulterer! Fornicator!

All right, take it easy,
Damien, all right?

Okay, his name is Silas,
leave him out of this.

I'll k*ll you.

What? Anytime!

Listen! I am married.

But it is a horrible marriage.

She doesn't even
talk to me anymore.

Danny, that's what
all married men say.

If it's so bad, why
don't you get divorced?

I am.

- You are?
- Yes! It's over.

Oh, my God, I can't
believe this.

I destroyed a marriage!

I really feel like I'm gonna be sick.
I can't...

No, no, it wasn't 'cause of you!

I filed a long, long time ago.

We're gonna sign the
papers in a couple of days

and it's like, she's dead to me.

What's her name?

Mrs. Maccabee.

You mean her first name?
Her first name is Devlin.

Her name's Devlin?

Isn't that a shitty name?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But Devlin and I are
splitting up, fortunately,

'cause I caught her cheating
on me with another guy.

I didn't catch her.

The television show Cheaters
caught her and the guy.

And I told them not
to air it, though,

because it's too painful.

They actually b*rned the
tape so you can't see it.

But I would love you to.

There's another man?

There's another guy, yes. Dolph.

Dolph?

Dolph Lundgren. Yeah.

Like the guy from Rocky IV?

No, no, a different
Dolph Lundgren.

Apparently, if you
bring that one up,

this one gets really
angry, so don't.

Danny, guys always say they're
gonna leave their wives.

They never do.

I'm telling you, she's
happy with this Dolph guy,

good for her. Now
I wanna be happy.

And the only way I can be
happy is if I'm with you!

All right?

Just wanna be able
to be with you

and not be called a "fornicator"

or an "adulterer"
or whatever that.

Children of the Corn
kid was calling me.

Okay.

Okay?

I just need to hear it from her.

How about if she texts
you, would that be good?

I need to meet her.

Let's do it.

- You want me to be your wife?
- Uh-huh.

And you couldn't think of another
name, other than Devlin?

I practically took a Devlin in
my pants when she asked me.

"What's her name?"
I got panicked.

I get nervous around this girl.

You got panicked?

You who invents a fake
wife every Friday night?

Yeah. Doesn't that say something

about what I feel
about this girl?

Have you ever thought
about the time

- that she's actually gonna walk into your office...
- Uh-huh.

...and sees that I'm your
assistant\receptionist?

So easy.
I'm a plastic surgeon,

you will never look
like you again.

- Snip, snap. Chip, chap.
- What are you talking about?

I'm kidding. I'll get
you a fake mustache.

Oh, my God, you've really,
really not thought this through.

Will you please just
look at some clothes?

Look at that.
I don't wear...

I have clothes, by the way.

I do not need to do any of this.
I'm fine.

Yes. You have the best
clothes that Old Navy sells.

I'm just saying you gotta look
like a plastic surgeon's wife.

I want to create the illusion
I had a hot first wife.

- You're so...
- Not this!

Okay, come on,
let's go, you asked for it.

I'm ready.

Wow! These are...
Oh, geez.

Nice, nice.

It's just been a while since
I've been in heels, sorry.

Okay, okay. Oh, gosh. Okay.

Get there. Yeah, great.

Oh, my God! These are gorgeous!

How much are these? $1,700.

$1,700? What, do you
come with them?

My parents' house costs $1,700.
No, no.

No. What, did Mickey
Mantle sign those?

Why are they $1,700,
they made outta panda?

- Walk away.
- Yeah. You know what?

We won't really be
needing them anyway.

'Cause I'm actually
starting to...

I'm actually starting to feel not so hot.
Is it warm in here?

Whoo. I'm not sure I'll be
able to make it this evening.

Very good. Okay, you know what?
We'll take them.

- It's your Christmas bonus.
- Oh, really?

Okay, then I would like
them in blue, too.

In case a heel breaks or
I just want to cuddle.

- It's beautiful.
- You sicken me.

Yes, well, that's why
we're getting a divorce.

We're getting a divorce because
you're greedy, schemy and selfish.

Actually, I think you need to
get the matching bag, too.

Yeah, I think I should.

- Mmm.
- Thank you, Laurie. I agree.

All the girls are sticking together.
Isn't that sweet?

- Mmm-hmm.
- She's on your side, what a shock.

You asked for this.
Trust me.

Uh-huh. You asked for this.

No.

No.

Hell, no!
No, no, no!

What do you mean, no?

No?
No what?

No hope. Okay?
There's only one word for it.

- What is it?
- Neglect.

Okay? This is the one word

for the whole thing.
Are you the husband?

I'm the soon to be ex-husband.

We're getting a divorce.

Well, you know he's
not divorcing you.

He's divorcing your head.

True 'dat, Ernesto.
Right on the money.

Your hair is so messed
up, I don't even...

Let me count the ways.

It's dull, it's dead, it's flat.

Don't forget smelly.

It don't smell,
particularly...

- Okay, I think we got it.
- You bad.

You is bad. Give me a little bit.
That's bad, though.

You guys, come on, seriously.
Ernesto, can you just, please

do something, so we can be home

and I can get out of here?

Hurricane Katrina could
do something, baby.

I'm gonna do something
transcendent.

Katya! Yuri,
Mrs. Hwiggins!

We going in deep, y'all.

You seem nervous, Danny.

No, no, I just...

It's weird, she
gets me very tense.

I'm sorry to put
you through this.

No, I understand why
we're doing this.

I'm just looking forward to
getting past this part of my life

and moving on to the good part.

We will. Soon.
Tonight.

Good God, yes.

Is that her?

I think so.

She's stunning.

I love her shoes.

Yeah, well, she got about
five pairs of them.

Maybe she'll give you one.

Henderson!

Do you see Dr. Maccabee
anywhere in this...

Oh! There he is.

Keep the car running,
shan't be long.

Hello, boring!

Hey. You went with
a limo driver?

I'm just playing the part.

Okay.

Palmer! Hi.

Devlin Maccabee.
Soon to be, single-abee.

Waiter! Excuse me.
Anybody?

Yes, yes. Something
to drink, madam?

Well, hello.

I would like a
tall glass of you.

Is that possible?
Meow!

I'm just kidding.
Unless you're really into it.

Kidding again.
No, I'm not.

We don't know.
Grey Goose martinis,

just keep 'em coming.
Okay. Ooh!

Make that a dirty martini. Okay?

Okay, that was a good one.

Well, so, Palmer.

I heard you and Danny had sex.

Yes. I am so sorry, I had...

Please, honey, it is fine.

I'm just happy to hear that his
thing-a-ding can still ring-a-ding.

'Cause he's got a
serious small issue

with ED. Over here.

Okay.

What's ED?
I don't...

Oh, gosh. I forgot.
You're fifteen.

Erectile dysfunction,
my darling.

Think about it as if

you're trying to throw
darts and you just...

All you really got,
you're sh**ting with,

like, overcooked spaghetti.

Okay. Yeah.

I just think that my
spaghetti wasn't loving

the meatballs that
was being served.

- They were a little too lumpy.
- Oh.

I've heard from a lot
of men that I serve

the finest meatballs in
Southern California.

Of course. A lot of homeless
men have said this.

They'll eat anything, you know.

I'm just very shocked
that you remember

anybody you've ever been with.

With all the pills that
are in your system.

She likes the pills, this one.

At night I come home,
"What's for dinner?"

"Well, we have purple
pills, and the green ones"

"and some lovely yellow bombers."

"I just took out of the oven."

Remember that?

I had to do something
to amuse myself

while this one sat on
the throne for hours

dealing with his irritable
bowel syndrome.

I got another disease. Okay.

Can I tell you, I spent
the eve of our wedding

sitting on the bed,

listening to what sounded
like an underwater symphony,

of French horns and bassoons

coming out of our
hotel bathroom.

Mix that with the smell of like
a dead cat and some fajitas

and you've got what
you call yourself

a severely diminished libido.

Ow!

Did you just kick me?

No. Did you?
You kicked her?

Why'd you kick her?

Yeah, I don't... I... Yes.
I... I have leg spasms.

Ow!

It's a side effect.

Terrible side effect from
all the pill popping.

But, you know, it's
all better now.

I'm clean and sober
and I apologize.

It's okay.

Thirteenth step, right there.
Back to drinking.

Oh, Henderson,
you thoughtless oaf,

stop texting, open that door.

- Why do you keep calling me Henderson?
- Just go with it.

Palmer, so lovely to meet you.

Likewise, really.

I mean, look at you two.

I mean, it's like, Barbie and...

Yes.

...Grandpa Ken.

I mean... And even though
it did not work out

between us at all...

It's like it never happened.
You know?

It really isn't.

- I still want my Danny to be happy.
- Oh, look at that.

Happy, happy, happy.

Good night, kiddo. Okay.

Hello.

It's her drug dealer
I'm thinking.

Okay, please put her on
the phone right now.

Are you kidding me, honey?

You know how I feel about

you selling your
brother's stuff on eBay.

Hey, hey, hey. Take
that in the car.

No. It's okay.

I will deal with you when I
get home, young lady. Okay.

I mean, you would think...

You have kids?

Hmm? Hmm?

You have...
You have children?

We have sort of a little bit...

A little bit of children, right?

When were you planning
on telling me

about these children, Danny?

I don't know, but listen,

I have to go get to
those little munchkins.

Palmer, so nice, seriously.

Danny.

No, no, no, hey, hey.

Okay.

Are you freaked out right
now about all this or...

Actually, just the opposite.

The opposite of freaked out?
What do you mean? Good?

You know that I love kids.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I just never pegged
you as a kids guy.

I'm a huge kids guy.
I love kids.

Kids, kids, kids. Is...

Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's my thing.
That's my bumper sticker.

What are their names?

What are their names again?
There is

the girl who, of
course, is Kiki Dee.

And then the boy's name's Bart.

Which of course is
short for Barto.

Well, I wanna meet them!

Of course you do.

So our mom doesn't
know that you took us today?

Not yet.

You know this is kidnapping.

Stranger danger.

What?
No.

Is the guy from Dateline
NBC gonna walk in?

No! I know you two a long
time and Rosa's here.

Doing whatever that Rosa does.

- God, she's freaky.
- Yeah.

So here's the deal.

How would you like to
be my pretend children

for one afternoon?

Why don't you just tell
that poor girl the truth?

You know?

Our mother tells us everything.

Wedding ring boy.

- What?
- Oh, my goodness!

Did you see Gossip Girl last night?
It was so good!

No, she's not like that.

Your mother's presenting
her in a weird, weird way.

I'm just saying,
telling the truth

is not in the cards right now.

I thought you'd be excited
to have an acting job.

If it's an acting job,
we should get paid.

Yeah, you're gonna get
paid in experience.

I wanna actually get paid.

All right, what do you want?

$600 for the day,

plus overtime if we
go over eight hours.

I'll do my own hair and makeup.

And I want you to pay for the
six-week intensive acting camp

that my mom can't afford.

$50 for the day and a two-week acting
class at the YMCA nearest you.

$500 and a four-
week acting class.

$300 and a three-week class.

Done.

I would have done it for $500.

I would have done
it for the experience.

Michael, you're up.
Opener?

I want you to take me to Hawaii

so I can swim with the dolphins.

You're not gonna let
that one go, are you?

We're not going to Hawaii, pal.
Anything else?

Find someone else then.

Ooh, the Mafia stare down.
Very good, Michael.

We're here to negotiate.

Do you have anything
else you might like?

I want a flying pony.

I want a flying pony too,
Michael, but they don't exist.

Then I want a regular pony.
And I want to name him Nelson.

How about a Playstation 3
and we name him Nelson?

Keep talking.

We'll include four video games.

Five games.

And I want the meeting with blondie
to be at J.D. McFunnigan's.

How 'bout Charlie Choo-Choo's

'cause it's right down
the street from me.

Mention that slop-hole
again and I walk.

All right, take it easy, son.
Take it easy.

And I want unlimited tokens.

If I can spend 'em,
I wanna have 'em.

I don't wanna be like
playing Skee-Ball

and all of a sudden
run out of tokens.

All right, I can
make that happen.

So do we have a deal?

Deal.

Deal's off unless you eat that
pizza, though. Seriously.

Can I do an accent?

- Let me hear some.
- 'Ello!

No. Okay.

My kids? Have you
completely lost your mind?

Are you kidding me right now?

You're the one who picked
up your cell phone.

That is not...

Mrs. Harrington...

The doctor will see you now.

I can't believe you're doing all
of this just so you can get some.

It's just gross.
You're just pathetic.

I'm not trying to get some.
I already got some.

And yes, I'd like to
continue getting some.

I'm pro me getting some.

Have a seat right there,
Mrs. Harrington.

Remove your shirt,
if you could.

I smell something.
You smell something?

I smell perfume.

Is that coming from you?

Maybe.

What, you got a
date or something?

I don't have a date.
I have a lunch.

You got a lunch?
Who you got a lunch with?

Dr. Gervitz's office manager,
if you must know everything.

His name is Brian.

The guy with the
gray soul patch?

You know what?

Hey, man, I'm Brian.

You're mean!

Wow, you wanna go
to lunch sometime?

Is he gonna take you there
right after the big protest?

Hey, man, we gotta
stop these squirrels.

He plays bass, don't he?

You can take the
brassiere off, too.

And by the way, he
does play the bass.

And he writes songs.

What does he write songs about,

how bad his ponytail stinks?

Mrs. Harrington, could you put
your hands on your hips, please?

Okay, so, one of the funbags
is not having too much fun.

All right, what
happened anyways?

Well, I hit it with the car
door yesterday... Right.

...and I heard a pop

and then some sloshing
sound when I walk.

Yeah. I think.

What are you doing?

Could be the kids
or could be Brian.

Okay. Stop that.

Do you mind just for one second?

Let me just talk to this guy.

Stop!

Yeah.

- Hello?
- Yeah, man!

- Brian?
- You can lie down.

Yeah, hi!
We sure are.

Yeah, no, sushi would be groovy.

Okay, I'll see you
at 1:00 in the lobby.

Okay, bye.

What voice was that?

That was my voice.

Really?

I didn't sound like that.

One o'clock...

You're excited about
this guy, huh?

Mrs. Harrington, this is numbing
cream for your nipples, okay?

Oh. Oh, okay.

It's gonna be one afternoon.

Why are we making such a
big deal out of this?

Because you know what? You're
trying to get my kids involved

in your dysfunctional, sick little,
pathetic, twisted web of lies.

When I was negotiating
with your son, Michael,

he had the biggest smile I've
ever seen on anyone's face.

When I told him we could do it at
J.D. McFunnigan's,

the kid looked like he
won the Heisman Trophy,

I'm not kidding you.

I think that's enough.
Do you feel that?

No.

No, but do you feel that?

- No.
- We're good.

By the way, did you make this?

Mmm-hmm.

We'll have to give it
to the Smithsonian

when we've done the operation.
Terrific job.

Did he really smile?

Swear to God, like the
cutest little smile.

And I got Maggie to eat.

- You did?
- Yeah.

Pizza. Deep dish. Three pieces.

I can't get her to eat anything.

I know you can't.
Don't do this for me.

Do it for the children.

- Yeah!
- Oh, stop!

Come on, you're late!

What are you, in
character right away?

Come on, let's go!

She's inside.

What is that?

What?

Did Victoria Beckham have a yard sale?
Why are you wearing that?

Are you kidding me?

This is what you bought for me.

I know, I know.
I'm just saying is it...

All right, we're stuck with it,

I just think it's a little
over the top, but...

Thanks. Happy to be
here to help you.

The first rule of improv is
always accept the information.

If someone says something,
just go with it.

No negating.

Gotcha. That sounds
good, that's smart.

In my acting class, when
someone says "No" in a scene,

the whole class yells, "Die!"

No. I mean, no one
will say "no" then.

Don't yell "die".

Who's up for some
warm-up exercises?

- No, honey, I'm not gonna do that.
- The what?

The tip of the tongue,
the teeth, the lips.

The tip of the tongue,
the teeth, the lips.

I got one for you.
Shut up!

All right, let's go already.
Are you ready there, Mafia?

- Hell, yeah.
- Let's do it!

Stinks.

Smells like kids' feet and
like skidmark underwear.

Mmm. Happy Father's Day.

Oh! Jeez!

Mommy! That man put his
pee-pee on my face!

What?

- He put his face on my pee-pee.
- Danny!

- I'm saying he's the one.
- I don't think it matters.

No, I get you.

Oh, oh! Palmer, darling.

Hi.

Devlin. Thank you so much for
bringing the kids today.

I don't think she was the
only one who brought them.

You know what I'm saying?
They are my pride and joy.

So I'd like to introduce
you to, the one and only,

Kiki Dee, who came out at
nine pounds four ounces.

Yeouch.

And then the whopper,
we call him, Bart,

because he was a 12-pounder
and did some damage.

Okay. So...

Hi, you guys.

Hello, Palmer.

Heard so much about you.

You're British?

So you're the bird what's been given
Daddy the ol' slap and tickle?

We sent her to boarding
school last year in England.

See? So she picked
up a slight accent.

It's, you know, very Madonna.

Well, it is a pleasure
meeting you, Kiki Dee.

Wish I could say the same.

You see, before you,
I had meself a father.

I was the apple of his eye.

It was all giggling and
chasing butterflies

in the meadows, and
what have you.

And now what do I got?

An hour and a half
every other week

at J.D. McFunnigan's
with him and his whore.

Koko! Kiki! Kiki!

God, she's in such pain.

No, that's the pills that...

She took some out of
her mother's bureau.

Are you...

All right, let me go see her.

How are you doing, sweetie?

I'll be better when
I start seeing some tokens.

He's American.

Excuse me. Yo!
What was that all about?

That was raw and real
and in the moment.

You know, I feel
very good about it.

You do? Well, I don't!

So if you wanna get your money
and your acting classes,

you better start doing
things right from now on.

No more sob stories.

And we're stuck with the
English accent now, Ringo,

so commit to it.
Don't choke, got it?

Got it.

Now hug me and laugh

and let's get back
into the show.

Okay. Papa!

You're not a whore, Palmer.

Okay.

That's so nice. See what
they do, they fight,

then they make up and it's good.

Good. We're doing good.

Are you kidding me?

Got a hamburger here for
Bart, Art the Water Fart.

Here you go, kid.

Look at that, sweet!

And two quesadillas for Kiki
Sneaky With a Side of Freaky.

Here's the waters.
No soda for you.

- You're battling diabetes, remember?
- Huh?

Kiki Dee?

I got you two quesadillas 'cause it's
your favorite food so you have to eat it.

Well, yes! And that's why I'm going
to eat every single bit of it.

All right, let's see.

Yummy!

Thank you.

Hey, I think we forgot napkins.

We did? Okay. Well let
me get the napkins.

Because I know she's not
gonna get up and do it

because she doesn't like
to get up and do anything.

Oh, nice.

Everybody be cool.

So, Bart, your dad tells me you
like to go to the bathroom.

When I feel it, I do it.

What else do you like?

I don't know.

That's our Bart.

He's a man of very few words.

Ah. Okay.

Maybe I'm upset.

Upset about me and
your father dating?

No. You seem to make my dad
happy and that's cool, but...

But what?

Nothing.

Hey, I want you to
feel comfortable

telling me anything.

Well, I just hate that he
broke his promise to me.

What promise?

Yeah, what promise?

He promised me last year that
he would take me to Hawaii

to swim with the dolphins.

They have this lagoon
there with dolphins

and people get to
swim with them.

What are you doing?

But without warning, my
dad canceled the trip.

Why would he do that?

He met you.

He what?

- No!
- Die!

No, no, no, no, no, no!
I'm saying that did not...

You misread what I said.

I said we have to go
to Hawaii earlier.

Because I'm excited for all
of us to hang out there.

We're going to Hawaii!

I can't believe I let a
six-year-old blackmail me.

I saw my sh*t and I took it.

You're angry at yourself

'cause you got us into
this whole situation.

- I did?
- You really did.

I think old Mary
Poppins with the,

"You can't say no.
You can't say no, Guv'nor."

Okay, listen, my tolerance

for these continued
shenanigans is right here.

And if it gets up to here,
I'm taking my kids,

I'm selling you out
and I'm going home.

I am so happy we are
doing this, Danny.

Are you kidding me?
We're going to Hawaii,

we're gonna swim with dolphins.

It's gonna be so much fun.
I was just telling the squirt.

And Seventeen magazine.

You brought that for these
guys or is that for you?

It's mine. It's my favorite.

See that? Did you ever
read that magazine?

Thirty years ago you did.

And hopefully we're gonna have
time together, right, sweetie?

Wait! Wait!

Danny, wait!

Muffinstein, I could not
stand to be without you.

Uh-oh!

Is this him?

I see the Colonel von Generous
right here in front of me.

Okay, I'm confused right now.

I'm so sorry. I've not
introduced myself,

we have talked on the phone,
but I am the Dolph Lundgren.

Devlin's man-friendl
love monkey.

Oh, k*ll me now.

Devlin said you had to
stay back and work.

I did. She what said?

Nein, nein to the work.

I will work when I am kaput.

You know, I think
this is so great

of all of you, so mature.

I would have loved if my parents
had done something like this

when they got divorced.

That's why I was thinking we
should have the man come.

Yeah, I'm glad. I'm glad.

It's important for the children

to see us as a unit.

And also I cannot stay away
from this potato pancake.

She loves the schnitzel,
you know what I mean?

You know what? Tongue
feels a little dry.

Let's go get you some water, honey.
We'll be back.

That's a big tongue, big tongue.

- Get over here, get over here.
- Ew!

What are you doing here?

I don't know, saving the day.
Helping. Hello?

Who are you talking to?
What are you looking at?

I can't see in these things.

This is what you're gonna do.

You're gonna tell them that you ate a
bad sauerkraut omelet for breakfast

and that you are feeling like
you're sick and that you gotta go.

- Katherine, I can't go. Okay?
- Why?

Because I texted a picture of my
new equipment to my ex-girlfriend.

Oh, you're disgusting.

And I forgot she's engaged
to a UFC fighter.

He wants to punch
me in the face.

I wanna punch you in the face.

Hey, guys, how we doing?

I am just waiting for the
money for the ticket.

Mmm-hmm. So you are coming?
And I am paying?

Yes. Dolph has zero dollars.

- Whoops!
- Okay.

Let me see if I can
find my credit card.

Oh, here it is.

That's for sleeping
with my wife, pal.

There you go. Thank you.

Hey, hey!

Didn't have time to
make any reservations,

but I need two rooms, please.

Oh, of course.

Unfortunately, we only
have our suites left.

Oh, boy.

The Waldorf Astoria
at $8,000 per night

and the Presidential at $12,000.

- $12,000 a night?
- Mmm-hmm.

Do the Rolling Stones come and
play for me while I'm in there?

What the hell are you talking about?
Why is it so much?

Is it made out of panda?

I've used that somewhere
else, but is it?

No, but you've made some
terrific suggestions

and I'm gonna jot them down.

Are you a member of the Hilton
Honors Rewards program?

No, I'm not.

Oh. That's too bad.
You should join.

Yeah.

Yay!

Just got reamed.
I mean, I got the rooms.

Who wants to go to the beach?

Me!

Who wants to start drinking?

Me!

Okay, yeah,

I would create a fake family for that.
Oh, my God!

You know what?
You're disgusting.

Mumsy, please do come in.

The water's as lovely
as Westminster in May.

No, honey, I'm good.

I don't really feel like
swimming right now.

What is this from, my Liebchen?

Don't you be intimidated by
her whole thing right there,

which is perfect.

Oh, come on. Like
she's intimidated.

I hope when I'm her
age I look that good.

Yes, right?

You can look that good

if you don't take the elevators

and only take the
stairs like Cary Grant.

Take the stairs.
Take the stairs.

Hey, why are
we stopped here?

Uh, what's the matter?

I can't look at
engagement rings?

- Engagement rings?
- Yeah, you heard me.

Look all you want, but
you and I both know that

you're gonna get
sick of this hottie

and you're gonna be back
on the prowl next week.

Nope. I'm telling you,
is this girl not cute?

Yeah, she's really cute.

Is she not the sweetest?

The nicest person I've ever met.

Did you ever see her lips?

I think she has the best
lips I've ever seen.

They're like an inner tube
and I just wanna sit on it.

You know what I mean?
And just, like...

Do you want me to
knock you out, or...

No, I'm saying you
should sit on her lips.

Anyways...

You know, this whole situation
reminds me of a song.

Danny is a big plastic surgeon.

Who never had time for a wife.

And he's friends with Davy
Who's still in the Navy.

Piano Man? Why Piano Man?

No, it's "Piano Dan".

That's based on your life.
It's a little Eddie remix.

Uh-huh.

Eddie used to have an afro And
pimples all over his face.

So he popped and he poked 'em
And Clearasil soaked 'em.

But ladies still
greet him with mace.

I was maced one time.

Five times.

So, guys, we're here to get
to know each other better.

Yes. Yeah.

Dolph, let's start with you.

So, what line of
work are you in?

Well, Palmer, I am in sheep.

I'm sorry. I don't
know what you mean.

I am a sheep shipper.

- Oh.
- Yes.

You know, people, they
don't buy the sheep

from the local
sheepherder anymore.

Really? They don't?

No, they don't. They go online!

Yes! They go on the Interweb,

And leave this, please.
Thank you.

Now, people go on. They see
the pictures of the sheep,

and they pick the
ones they want.

You know, it's like,
"I want that one".

"You know, it's very stylish.
You know, it's a stylish one."

Goes, "Oh, no, I want the shy
one who doesn't want to baa."

Or they buy the sassy one,

who's like, "Hey,
I see you, baa, baa."

So, what do the people
do with these sheep?

Whatever they want!
Sky is the limit.

You know, some
have them as pets.

Some have them as
security for the house.

A lot of the people...

The new thing is training them

to fight each other in
the Sheep Fight Club.

Sheep Fight Clubs?

Yes. All the sheeps,
they get together.

They baa, all you hear
is, "Baa, baa, baa".

And then you see hoof,
kick, hoof, kick,

hoof, kick, baa,
baa, baa, baa, baa!

And then he's out.

And that is how we met.
She bought a sheep from me.

Really? Why?

Children? Okay, tune out.

Okay, 'cause some secrets are coming
out, all right? Some adult ones.

She likes to shave the sheep

for the pelt for the
sex, sexuals, yes.

She has got a real fetish

for the wool and
stuff, you know.

We do this thing
called "sheepstenein".

Danny? Would you come
with me, please?

Yeah. Absolutely.

So, we're gonna leave right now.

So you guys play that game
that we always love to play,

Nobody Talk game.

And start now.

I'm sorry, we're leaving.
I can't do it. No.

- He was going sheep-crazy, I'll give you that.
- I'm gonna k*ll that guy. He's lost it.

- Where is your hand right now?
- Where is my hand?

- You wanna see where it is?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's not even here anymore!
It's gone!

How about I b*at him up?

You can b*at him up with me.
It'll be fun.

I don't want to!
I have to go.

- Don't bail on me right now!
- Don't make that face at me.

I cannot stand that face.

Katherine?

Katherine Murphy?

Oh, my God, Devlin Adams.

Devlin? Devlin as in taking a...

Taking? From what I see...

It's my favorite college Devlin!

Both of us here at this
resort at the same time.

I didn't know you came
to places like this.

Here we go.

Honey!

Honey, I want you
to meet someone.

This is one of my best
friends from my sorority.

Katherine, this is my
husband, Ian Maxtone Jones.

Pleasure.

You might've heard of him.
He invented the iPod.

Well, of course he did.
The iPod.

The idea just came
to me in the shower.

A shower that I was
taking with Devlin.

So, this is a cabana you guys
got yourselves here, huh?

Because my skin is so white.
I don't like to get it b*rned.

Even at night?

Well, in Hawaii, you
never know with the sun.

Very, very strong.

So you mean like
a moonburn or...

- You look fantastic.
- Oh...

You look great.

I'm so glad you got your teeth fixed.
Much better.

You are just the same glorious
Devlin that I remember.

Oh, my God, I ran into
Sandra Wernick last month.

The poor thing. She's already
divorced and she has a child.

She's a single mother.
It's a disaster.

I feel so bad for her.

Are you married?

Mmm-hmm. Yes.

Oh! I've neglected to
introduce you to Danny,

Daniel Leroy Maccabee III,
my husband.

Yes. If you want me to stay,

will you just go with it, honey?

Come here and please
meet Devlin and Ian.

Hey. This is Daniel.

IPod, what's up?
How are you?

I'm fine.

- Invented it.
- Pleasure. I heard.

Devlin, I think I spoke
about you with my wife

in the bathroom one
or two times, right?

We did.

Number two.

We did it twice, yes.

So, chief, tell me, what
do you do for a living?

I'm also an inventor,
just like you.

I invented the barking hand.

I got you.
But you're sunburned?

No. What?

You are a surgeon.

He's a plastic surgeon,
and he's one of the best

according to Los
Angeles Magazine.

Touchdown!

Yes. Well, that, yeah.

Touched it down.

We gotta go back. We have to run.
It was great to see you.

We have to get back to our kids.
So...

You have kids?

Mmm-hmm. Yeah, two, actually.

We couldn't wait to
start creating lives.

And by the way,
I created these children

in the shower. Right?

You did.

You know what I'm
saying, homeboy?

That is funny.

Wow, you've been
together a long time.

Am I gonna leave this girl?
Look at her.

Still gets the flag up the pole,

if you know what I mean.

Bing-bang. An iRod,
I should say.

Oh. Come on, hit that. Why'd
you leave me hanging so long?

You're so clever.
That's so silly.

The four of us
should get together

and have dinner one night.

Oh! That would be almost
like a dream of mine.

If we could ever get ourselves
out of the bedroom.

Katherine Murphy, look at you!

Oh, no, not Murphy anymore.
Leroy Maccabee.

That's right.

The third. Anyway, so it was great
to see you and meet you, Ian.

The big E. Love the
Shuffle, by the way.

- Good to meet you. Bye!
- Thanks. You, too!

What are you talking about?
She was nice.

- I'm gonna k*ll you. Come on.
- You need me, though, right?

I don't believe
that just happened.

I like that you need me.
How's that make you feel?

Please, it feels like a car door
just slowly shut on my soul.

- Come here! Listen.
- What?

Do you know how
I feel right now?

You were getting me so upset,

bringing me into
that web of lies.

My hand's right here right now.

Oh, my hand's right there.

You know what?
I hate you right now.

I've gotta write out a
bunch of index cards

just to keep up with these lies.

Yeah, and you're gonna make me copies, too.
And one more thing.

Oh, my God, why are we
leaving the hotel right now?

Oh, my God, why are we
leaving the hotel right now?

Why did you wake me up?

Because, Grandpa,

I signed us up for the
all-day adventure tour.

We're gonna go hiking in the
rainforest, and kayaking down rivers

and swimming under waterfalls.

Swimming. I hope you
mean skinny-dipping.

I'm gonna suggest swimming.

I, however, am fine with
some man nudity, Danny.

Okay, so Swiss Family
nightmare is coming with us.

That's so we can bond?

Oh, that'll be great!

It's bloody
breathtaking out here!

Is this where the blue
Avatar people live?

Yeah, the blue Avatar people
and I think that black pig.

- Where?
- The pig.

Look, how cute. Looks like Babe.

Oh, my God! Go, Go!

Come on, go, go!

The pig is eating my body!

Keep your eyes on the
river, sweetheart.

Yes. I was looking at the canyon.

Hey, what're you guys doing?

That bridge can only handle
one person at a time!

Go, go, go!

What'd he say?
What'd you say?

Holy Devlin! Ow!

Come on, let's go.

Piggyback times are magical
times, aren't they?

Yeah, aren't they? You're
warping my spine now.

I think Kiki slipped.

Oh, Father, I just love
spending time with you!

Oh, my God!

You guys, look at this!

- Oh, my God!
- It's lovely!

Wow!
That is unbelievable.

I don't know about you guys,
but I am gonna go cool off.

Really? There could be
black pigs in there.

I agree.

Look at that. That's terrific.

Does the hotel know you took
those pillows, honey?

She really wears
that bikini well.

Yeah.

You know what she'd wear well?
Dental floss and a pirate hat.

- Don't say that.
- Absolutely gross.

Oh, my God! Gorgeous!

Perfect.

That was a ten! A perfect ten!
Yay!

So, Al Jolson, you mind
jumping in the water

and also screaming on the way
down, "I love my daddy"?

Okay.

Yeah, do it, do it for me.

- Do it for Da-da.
- I love my daddy.

Daddy is my favorite adult!

You're paying her
enough for this, right?

And I love you, my
little British crumpet!

All right, homeboy, you're up next.
Let's go.

Come up with something
on your own.

You gotta squeeze
out another log?

What happened?
What'd he whisper to you?

Water's too deep.

Water's too deep for what?

He can't swim.

He can't swim?

And you wanna swim
with the dolphins?

That makes a lot of sense.

Hadn't thought it through.

No kidding you didn't
think it through.

Thought about spending all my
money, though, didn't you?

Danny! I'm saying,
I'm not the kid's...

Okay. No one taught
you how to swim, huh?

Well, my dad's supposed
to, but he's busy.

Uh-huh. Busy being an idiot.

You guys have to come in,
the water feels magical!

I got something magical, too.
Right in the downstairs area.

I don't high-five when it's...

Downstairs area!

- No, put it away. Sorry.
- No, stop.

You know what? I think Mommy's
gonna explore the magical waters.

Honey, are you okay to hang
out here with fake Daddy?

Sure.

Really? You're gonna
get undressed?

What are you doing?

What? You got a
bathing cap, too?

You're the worst.

A 1920s swimming gown on, honey?

Don't do it. Don't take it off.

Yeah. I have to be alone.

Okay.

God, I gotta start
taking the stairs more.

Don't buy that line.

She takes spinning classes
like they're M&M's.

I think he's wearing
my underwear.

What is he doing?

Yo, I guarantee you fall!

I'm all set.

Ow!

Thank you, God.

I wanna climb Palmer Mountain,

so what do you say we
get rid of these kids?

No. They had them last night.
It's our turn.

Isn't that how things work?
We alternate?

What? No.

I get the kids...
I had them today.

That counted as a "me" day

and then she gets them at night.

- That's how we do it.
- Oh.

Dolph, Devlin, do you
want us to watch the kids

so that you guys can have
a little alone time?

- I don't think...
- Yes! Absoshnutely!

We are sleeping together!

You guys have your own
beds and it's our time!

- So we're gonna watch them.
- Good.

You guys wanna come take
a look at the balcony?

I think I saw some
dolphins around here.

Dolphins? Hey, he loves those, right?
Dolphins.

Sorry. Okay, go.

All right, let go. Come on.

- Get the dolphins.
- Bye, you guys.

That's why we're
here, the dolphins.

See you out there.

Listen, if anything happens

and you need any...
And I mean anything,

you have to call me.

I'm good at this,
I swear to you.

I used to baby-sit Eddie
when we were children.

- Eddie is your fault?
- No, no, no.

But I want you to enjoy tonight.

Come on, it's like a free night.

You can do whatever you want.

You can knit yourself some socks

or shock people with
your sneaky hot body.

- I don't know what you're talking about.
- Cary Grant?

I'm just gonna sit in my room

and worry about you and
them and everything.

What about just hang
out platonically

with Eddie tonight?
Have some dinner?

Or is he not good enough?

You need Brian, the guy
from Foghat, around here.

That really bothered you

that I went to lunch
with that guy.

What do you mean, you
went to lunch with him?

I told you I was going
to lunch with him.

I thought it was he
asked you to lunch

and you were gonna
like scoff at it.

But you did?
You fell for his charms?

I don't even understand
what this is.

It's the beard, man.

It doesn't move!

Well, yeah, in the wind, man.
It's flapping around.

All right. You know what?
I'll tell you this.

The guy made it through an
entire lunch with a woman

without making up a fake life.

Ah.

You just hurt me.

That was not nice,
but it was the truth.

And I speak the truth.

Please pay attention
to my children.

Everything will be nice.

They serve room service
in the hallway.

I'm so nauseous. Okay. Bye.

Alone at last!

Let's play the game.

We were doing so
good with the game.

"If you could be one
person besides yourself,"

"who would you be?"

Rachael Ray, because I've always

wanted to know how to cook.

- Really?
- Oh, she's darling.

You know what? I don't
really wanna be anyone else.

I'm happy with who I am.
I choose me.

Or Captain Kirk. Either one.

- See, that's a good one.
- All right.

What about you, Bart?

Mr. DeCesare.

Our mailman? Why?

He just seems like he's
got it all figured out.

We're getting deep.

Okay, moving on. Uh...

Okay. "Name something
that makes you sad."

That Judi Dench has never won
the Oscar for Best Actress.

It's a travesty.

That 'N Sync broke up.

Yeah. That was rough
on all of us.

Who's 'N Sync?

Sadness. Bart, you're up.

I don't wanna say mine.

Okay. Let's move on then.

Hey!

Honey, come on. You can
share anything with us.

Yeah, share.

He looks like he's about
to lose it, but okay.

When my dad doesn't
have time for me.

Come on, it's okay.

We're okay. We're okay.
It's fine.

It's all gonna be okay.
Come on.

We don't need him in our lives.

Wow.

No, no, no, he's...

We're okay. It's fine.

It's all gonna be okay.

This has nothing to...

This is, like, from
a long time ago!

It's okay.

What are you doing?

Well, that was
a major setback.

"When my dad doesn't have time
for me."

We're sorry.

I know you're sorry.

I know you got real stuff
going on with your family.

And it's painful.

But you gotta just hold it in

till you get to the
mainland again.

You're the ones who
wanted to come here

and go swimming
with the dolphins

or standing with the dolphins
because you can't swim.

- Can you act professional?
- Yes, sir.

For at least two more days,
until I k*ll you off

in a boarding school
train accident?

I thought it was a car accident.

I don't know. Either that

or a science expl*si*n,
just something.

You're gonna be dead soon.
That's the good news. Okay?

So, can you just focus
for a few more days?

- Yes.
- Good.

So, give me some fake hugs
right now and laugh real loud

like we're the happiest
family on earth.

Okay. Is that possible?

And laughing,
laughing, laughing.

Okay, that's it. Laugh
louder, louder.

I love you guys!

Hey, sweetie! What's going on?
What's up?

So, kids, I just got off
the phone with your mom

and you guys are gonna
have plenty of time

to spend with your dad tomorrow

because she and I are gonna
have a nice, long spa day.

Aw!

Awesome! Awesome, awesome.

You guys are so...

I'll see you in a minute, okay?
I love you.

- Okay, he's losing it.
- Okay, good night.

He's losing it.

All right, here we go.
Everybody out.

So, what are we doing?

Palmer forgot her
camera in the room

so I'm gonna have a
surprise for her

when she gets back from the spa.

A stolen camera?

No, some pictures of
us having a great time

reassuring her of all the
fun we have together.

I forgot to flush the toilet
before I left the hotel.

So she's gonna have
two surprises.

Okay. No one's supposed to
crap as much as you do.

You gotta look into that
Pepto Bismol or something.

Here's your putters. Bing.

- And a bam.
- Thank you.

Let's just look right in the camera.
And we're having fun.

And we're a family.
We love each other.

And boo!

All right, let's do the old
Michael-hit-a-putt sh*t. Okay?

So boom, that's in the hole.

And you're excited about that,

and we're happy for him, and...

Maggie just hit the ball, but
you followed through too much

and it made you
fall on your back.

Okay, but... Look at this.

You're laughing, but I'm a
concerned father, so I'm like,

"Oh, my God."

All right, now,

let's just laugh at something I
say, because I'm a funny dad.

You're very close with me, and
you think I'm funny, and...

Why are we always laughing?

Is there something
wrong with us?

No. You're just amused by everything I say.
So, here we go.

Can we take a break?
Do something really fun?

No, we're not doing
anything fun, man.

We're here to fake having fun.

Come on. Right to the camera.

Don't worry. We never have fun
with our real dad either.

Oh, man.

All right. How's this?

I'll teach you how
to swim, okay?

Before your mother gets back

from the "spa day"
in four hours?

- Is that even possible?
- Yeah.

But we're gonna take one more
picture, if you don't mind.

Make that two pictures. Maggie.

Throw this straight in the air.
Make it look like...

On the count of three, one, two, three.

Okay.

Now, Michael, lay down.

On your back. And...

Yeah, all the way over. See
if you can clench this.

Now look like you're in pain.

Ooh!

It took my friend a whole
summer to learn how to swim.

How're you gonna
teach me so quick?

I'm gonna do it the same way
my grandfather taught me.

Don't worry.

It took Grandpa eight
hours to teach us.

It was a nightmare.

But there's two of us here
now, and we're sober.

You're gonna be fine.

All right. You're doing great.

- Is he doing great?
- He's doing great.

Okay. We want to advance
a little, though.

I need you to swim
to Uncle Eddie.

If you get there without
touching the bottom,

we'll give you a dolphin cookie.

Is that what your
grandpa gave you?

No, Grandpa gave us something
he'd call a Heineken.

I want one of those.

No. Stick with the
dolphin cookie.

Yeah. They hurt less when
they get thrown at your head.

God, he was a sick man.

Yeah. Okay? Are we ready?

Don't think about it.
Commit. Kick, kick.

Get the cookie. Move your feet.

Kick, kick!

Right there! Reach for it!
You got it!

Doing good, buddy!

There you go!

My boy! That was
terrific, buddy.

Have your cookie. We're
gonna move on, though.

Hey, Devlin?

Devlin? Yeah?

So, Danny's birthday
is next week,

and I have no idea
what to get him.

Well, don't get him a tie.

He has 100 of them and
he never wears them.

That's good to know.

He loves books on
tape for his car.

Fishing gear.

Loves it. Doesn't use it.

Can't take the fish
off of the hook

once he catches it, so
he just collects it.

He loves candy. Jelly Bellies.
Loves them, his favorite.

But he only likes the Cotton
Candy and the Peanut Butter.

So you have to buy the bag
of the Jelly Bellies,

separate the Cotton Candy
and the Peanut Butter

and put them into a little...

It's a kind of Ziploc
baggies that I got online.

You know so much about him.

Yeah.

I've known the guy forever.

Music. Loves music.

But anything after
'95, don't bother.

You'll lose him.

That's when I finished
my Girl Scouts.

All right. How many
cookies do we got left?

Maybe about forty!

What do you think, 40
feet for 40 cookies?

Can you handle that?
You need a little rest?

Let's do this.

Really? Okay, he's ready!
He's ready to rock!

Almost.

What? No.

Oh, my! Ladies and gentlemen,
off come the floaties!

This is getting serious!

Are you sure about
this, Michael?

Hell, yeah. All right.

No matter what, you're
a good man, okay?

Keep kicking. I'm
here if you need me.

You got this.

Go! Go, Michael!

Go! Breathe! Yeah!

Kick it! Go!

Move your arms! Yeah!

He doesn't have floaties on!

Oh, my God!

Get the cookies!

Come on, sweetheart!
You've got it!

A little bit more,
little bit more.

- Swim! Swim!
- Oh, my God!

- Come on!
- Just a little bit more!

Keep going, Michael!
Don't give up!

Very nice!

That's my boy! Yeah, buddy!

I did it! I did it! Thank you!

No way, that was you, buddy.

That was awesome. Way to go!

What are we looking at?

Jeez. Oh, God. Devlin.

Devlin. Oh, God. You
snuck up on me.

- Did I? Oh...
- Yes.

Do you startle easily?
That's a sign of menopause.

Hmm...

Devlin?

Palmer Dodge, this is Devlin.

She and I went to
college together.

- This is Palmer Dodge.
- Aloha, Palmer.

Is this your daughter?

No, no, no. I'm actually
the girlfriend.

Whose girlfriend?

Yes, hi.

I am the Dolph. Willkommen.
And you're very beautiful.

Married, flattered. Thanks.
Where's Danny?

Danny is in the water teaching
our little boy how to swim.

Hi, Doctor!

He was so sweet.

You know what's so crazy is
that I have never met anybody

with the first name
Devlin before.

You know, and here you are,
and your name's Devlin and...

Shark att*ck!

We are playing Bavarian pool
rugby and now I'm in the lead.

Okay, bye!

She's trying to b*at
me, but she won't.

No one can!

This is fun!

Anyway, something's opened
up in our schedule tonight.

So, we were wondering
if you and Danny

were good to go for dinner.

- Oceano's. Seven o'clock.
- Oh, no...

Oh, no, you don't! She's like a shark.
Come on.

Is it a bad night?
Are you two fighting?

No! We're not fighting.

No, we just, we're delighting.
We're just fine.

No, that's great. Tonight's gonna happen.
Yeah, perfect.

Perfect. Anyway,
see you tonight!

Okay, Devlin.

Oh, my God! Dolph,
let her breathe!

Yes, I...

Dolph! What?

What was that?

I was... Were you under...

I don't understand.
Why would you say yes?

Because I didn't know,
I didn't say no.

I'm not leaving here.
What would I tell Palmer?

What's going on, sweetie?

So, today, you know, with
Dolph pushing me in the pool.

It was weird, right?

No, no, no. He's a sheepherder.

That's what those
guys do, you know?

They do a lot of horseplay

and that's kind of
initiation time for you.

You're in the g*ng, I think.

Okay. Yeah.

Well, I was thinking
for tonight,

maybe we could have a
little me and you time?

Oh!

I'll get my rubber duck
and see you in a sec.

Yeah, no, I'm not
doing this tonight.

It's like my first night
alone with the girl.

All I'm asking you is one favor!

Just get this one dinner
with me so I can save face

with this horrible,
heinous human being.

What am I gonna tell Palmer?

Would you just put
her on the phone?

Oh, God.

Tell me she is not
listening to 'N Sync.

No, no, no. It's coming
from the elevator.

Hey!

Danny, that is my jam.

Someone on the phone for you.

- I don't know who.
- Okay.

Hello?

What is that?

- It's Palmer.
- So?

I need you to get on the phone.
I need you to ask her out.

I need you to take her as far away
from the hotel for the entire night.

Would you please
just do this for me?

No, I'm already eating.
I just wanna hang out. Ow!

Seriously, I need you.
What are you doing? No.

Ow! My gosh.

- Take it.
- All right.

Go for Dolph.

It's Dolph.

Okay, I got an idea.

How about you and me,

we go and get the
dinner tonight?

To supper?

Tonight?

Yes, and we get to
know each other,

because I think it's
important for the kids

to have good symmetry
in the family unit.

Yeah, hang on. Let
me check with Danny.

Dolph wants to do
dinner tonight.

No. No, no, no.

All right, tell him yeah.

Yeah, that's fine.

Awesome. Thank you so much.

What am I supposed to
say to her all night?

You spout crazy nonsense for
hours in Eurotrashenese.

Just do it, but just do it
far away from the hotel.

Okay, fine, I'll do it,

but if I do good, can I
sleep in the bed with you?

No. Why? You've got a
great private room.

Hmm, really? Because when
we were in the Napa Valley,

they said that wasn't a good
time of year for Merlot.

Oh. How about the
Verite Cabernet?

Isn't Cabernet really grapey?

I mean, I like grapey,
but not overly grapey.

Did you go over the index cards?

I glanced at them, yes.

You glanced at them?

I graduated med school

without reading a book.
Just relax.

Just give us the most
expensive bottle you have

and it'll probably
be good enough.

Perfect!

Look at us, Katherine. Both
so happily married. I mean...

Can you believe it?

Everything I always
hoped for, right, Yogi?

Mmm. Boo-Boo.

- My Yogi Bear.
- My Boo-Boo.

Never enough.

Hold on a second.

I love the way you smell.

Nothing smells as
good as Devlin.

Smelling Devlin,
always a good thing.

This is really where
we're eating?

Oh, yes. No, the hotel says

it's amazing und very far away.
Yeah, it's good.

Hey. I want that car.

I'll give you two
chickens for it.

Two chickens, that's
very nice of you, but...

Don't be scared.

We're just here for dinner.

Also, this car's worth
about 10,000 chickens.

Don't pour over me.

Don't pour over me.

I'll bring my glass to you.

So, Danny, you're a
plastic surgeon.

Yes.

Very convenient for
you, Katherine.

No, this girl's
had nothing done.

She's just a natural beauty.

- She really is.
- Sweetie.

What about me?
What would you do to fix me?

Professionally speaking?

Nothing. I wouldn't
do a thing to you.

Nothing?

You're too sweet.

They already took too much
fat out of your arms,

but that's what sleeves are for.

So, where did you two meet?

We just, we met at a concert.

- Sting.
- Yeah.

Live at the Index Card.

It was a benefit for
the rainforest.

Someone's on the phone for you.

I think it's the
guy from The Omen.

Go for the iMan.

Hold on a second.

Can I say something before you
say what you're gonna say?

Seeing the man who invented
the iPod, on the iPhone,

- saying, "Go for the iMan..."
- Yeah.

...that was like
watching Ronald McDonald

eat a cheeseburger
off the Grimace.

- I'm serious. That was serious stuff.
- It's so true.

That, to me, was like watching
Dr. Kevorkian k*ll himself.

Oh, no.

I'm sorry. This is one
of my foundations.

I've gotta take this.

Your virtue, your
intelligence, your passion.

Your beauty, your drive,
and your womanhood.

It's something we do
whenever the other leaves.

We say what we love
most about the other.

- That's really nice. That's big.
- I like that.

You guys should try it.

- Yes, we should.
- We should. We'll try that later.

- We have to.
- Not everyone can do it.

We'll do it now.

- Right now.
- Okay.

So, broke and penniless,

I took to the streets
to sell my wares.

And by wares, I mean my body.

And by body,
I mean my schnitzel.

Mmm.

Help! Is there a
veterinarian in the house?

My pet sheep, he passed out.
He's not breathing!

I don't know what's
wrong with him!

Him! Him! He's not a vet,
but he sells sheep for a living.

Oh, me, yes.

I do, yes. I am that.

Please come this way!

- Now?
- Yes!

This way, this way!

What is this?

Is that a real sheep?

Okay.

Yes, um...

Hello...

Yes?

Yes, in my expert opinion,
that sheep is dead.

I'm very sorry.

Let's go eat. Okay, show's over.
Let's go.

Oh! He's still alive!

Please, you have
to do something!

Oh, sh*t on me.

You look each other in the eyes

and you say what you love
about the other. Mmm-hmm.

We can't just say it? We gotta
look at each other for this thing?

Okay. Yes. We're so ready.

Are you ready?

Go ahead.

- You're on.
- Okay.

Come on.

Um...

I love your sense of humor.

- You do?
- Mmm-hmm.

All of it?

Every dirty bit of it.

I love your, uh, stories.

- Yes. They can go long, but...
- It's okay.

- ...I try to finish strong.
- Always entertaining.

And I love that you...

Love that you read
the index cards.

Of course.

And I love that you secretly

have a huge heart,

and it's just filled
with kindness

and humility.

And blood?

I'm sure there's blood.

I don't know, I...

I just think you're a really
nice person and I really like...

I really love spending
time with you.

That's good enough
for me right there.

Yeah, game over.

Danny?

Game back on? We gotta...

Um...

Well, I'd like to
start off by saying

that I love the most that
you fixed your teeth.

Why did I know that...

They were horrible, I agree.

No, no. Um...

- You know what I love?
- Mmm-hmm?

How you just do everything
for everybody else

and you never expect
anything back.

In fact, when I say thank you,
I don't know, do you hear that or not?

It's cute.

And I love...

I just love...

You're the only person I've
never lied to in my life.

I swear to God.

I just trust you more than
anybody in the world.

You know every secret about me.

I love your smile.

That smile is the magic.

When I'm in the operating
room all I think about is,

"All right, 20 more minutes,
I get to see the smile."

It's just like...

It starts my day, that smile.

I won best smile at our sorority

three years straight,
right, Katherine?

Not little Bucky here.

Okay, here we go! Hi, yes! Wee!

We do the sheep dance, right?

We want to live and
dance more, yes.

Okay, all right. Here we go.
Eat some food.

Eat the food. Come
on, here we go.

Couple more zings.

Make the milk. Yes,
he makes the milk.

You love it. You give
milk to the baby.

All right. One, two,
three, here we go!

Come on!

We got a couple things
that I know how to do!

Yes, this is a good
test, so why not?

All right. Here we go.

You're k*lling him!

The sheep lives!
The sheep lives!

Yes! Here we go, one more time.

Here we go. Yes!

This is what I did. You saw this.
Yes!

Welcome. I am
Tanner Patrick, Jr.

We're ready for the legendary
Oceano's Hula Competition.

Legendary?
Never heard of it!

Legendary like the day you
were once sober. So...

She talks the talk, who
will walk the walk

and walk with me to the Ladies' Lounge?
Feeling it...

I think you should do it, Devlin.

Because she would win.

- I'll do it!
- Oh! Good show!

Katherine? How about you?

Come on, this isn't Katherine's thing.
Right, Katherine?

No, no, not my... Her speed.
Not mine.

Some people are just
more comfortable

on the sidelines, so
don't judge her, honey.

Your honesty, your fearlessness,
and your tickle spot.

Your creativity, your bravery,
and your taffy nipples.

Let's go! How do I
win this thing?

I'm gonna do this hula thing.

Oh, don't feel any
pressure, Katherine.

I'm not the one who
should feel the pressure.

Ladies and gentlemen, a warm
welcome for tonight's hula girls.

These are my stars.
And here's the key,

you decide how brightly
they shine tonight.

You the audience,
judge and jury.

I like what I see.

This is my hula palooza.

You're the judges.

You're voting for your
favorite hula girl.

How about we do one over here?

Can I get a little something-something
up here in the corner?

Has anybody got a
conscience here tonight?

Come on, you did well.
You did well.

Aw!

It's tough.

What do I got over here?
Anybody?

How tall do you
think that guy is?

Who? The Tanner guy?
I don't know.

Yeah, that Tanner.

Looks pretty tall, I'd
say he's like 6'3".

Yeah, I don't know.

Can I get a positive reaction?

Thank you.

How about this little girl?
Let's make her night. How about it?

I like it. Keep the mojo going.

How about Big Country
in the corner?

Do I got...

Sorry.

This is fixed!

Tall fellow is
lucky to get away.

Let's pick
up the tempo, boys.

What? What is that?

Okay. This is a lot faster.

Fabulous!

Yeah, baby!

What?

Come on.

Nobody got cheated here tonight.

These are two of
the hottest chicks

we have ever had up here.

But our job is not done.

I need your help, because
I need a winner.

Let me hear you.

Beautiful!

Wow, that is gonna
be tough to b*at.

Let's not kid anybody.
How about over here?

There you have it.
We have ourselves...

That's my Boo-Boo!

A tie! We have ourselves a tie.

That's great. We both win.
Good...

What's the tiebreaker?

What's the tiebreaker?

This is how we settle
ties in my house.

It's something I like to
call Coconut Smoochie.

The object of the game is,

the coconut is in
their midsections.

It must move all the
way up to their mouths

without the use of their hands.

Focus, focus.

If you touch the coconut,
you are disqualified.

Okay. Ready? One, two,
three, get coconutty!

Okay. Slow.

Okay, all right. Calm
down, calm down.

Let me just bring it up to you.

Okay, do it.

Get it up there. Come on.

Bring your coconuts down to me.

Okay. Oh, my coconuts.

Pull up. All right. I'm so low.

Squeeze your coconuts.
Squeeze them.

Use every crevice you can.
Don't be afraid.

I can't get it up here.

I'm trying.

Would you be quiet?

Stay there. Wait.

Okay, that's good. Is that good?

Sorry about this, by the way.

Really? You're really
sorry about this?

No, I'm not. I like it.

Oh, yeah!

Pick it up, pick it up!

Not with your
hands, you buffoon!

Come on!

Look what he's doing! What happened?
I can't see.

Focus. Take it slow,
take it slow.

He's got it!

That's not fair.
He can't do that.

No, that's a clean
pick-up right there.

Okay. Bring it over here.

Go! Go! Go!

I got it.

There's still time. Let's go.

You can touch each other,

you cannot touch the coconut.

Hang on, hang on.

- What's going on? What is that?
- What do you use?

- What's the hold-up?
- You still got that perfume on, huh?

Would you stop it?

Smells good. Come on, let's go.

Have you got it to your
mouth yet, Boo-Boo?

Stop putting your
ass in my face.

I like it. That's my girl.
Okay.

We've got a winner! We have a winner!
We have a winner.

Coconut Smoochie
champions right here.

Awesome.

You suck at everything!

Boo-Boo.

Great teamwork, guys.

How long have you
two been married?

Eight years. Ten years.

Ten years. Eight.

Very long time.
A very long time.

- Did you see the look on her face?
- Yes.

Do you understand what
joy that brought me?

How about the look on her face

when you were doing
the juggling, though?

The juggling was the
highlight for me.

That was pretty good.
You liked that?

It was so cute.

And when you talked about
her arms getting done?

The good news is she's
b*ating the hell

out of the iPod guy right now.

Right now, I know.

That was good.
That was really fun.

You know what, I think
that was the first time

that you and I have ever

gone out, you know, just us.

I know. I do.

I feel bad for the
Soul Patch now.

I do.

Now that you've been
out with a real man.

And by a real man,
I mean a man who showers.

I think it's so adorable

how obsessed you
are with this guy.

I just can't picture you guys on
a date, you know what I mean?

Who said it was a date ever?

- You.
- You.

You get very excited when
you talk to this man.

Listen, Dr. Gervitz is moving
his practice to New York City.

Yeah.

Brian is not gonna go
with him, and he...

He's just been asking me if

I would want to, you
know, replace him.

You're going?

No.

You can't do that to me.

I just wanted to see
how you'd react.

Look at you.
You can't live without me.

"What do I do?
How do I sign it?"

"How do I pay for it?"

No. You kind of played with
me a little bit, though.

You could've told
me that earlier.

You're just messing with me?

Trying to get me a little
jealous, weren't you?

No. I just was having
fun teasing you.

That was fun. Why?
Were you jealous?

No. Get outta here. Was I jealous?
No.

Look at you. You're grinning, you
can't stop, what is that smile?

I didn't know you had
that many teeth.

I know.
I got like 55 teeth.

No. So there's nothing?

You and...
There's nothing?

No love connection?

No. Mmm-mmm. Nothing.

Well, then, that's a shame.

What?

That coconut getting
in the way tonight.

- That's a shame, don't you think?
- Oh.

No. No, that was bad.

The coconut.

You're lucky that
coconut was there.

You couldn't... You wouldn't
have been able to handle it.

Maybe you're right.

You got more tricks that
I don't know about?

I don't know.

Okay.

I don't know anything.

Mommy? Mommy?

Hi, guys!

Hey! What're you doing?

The babysitter fell asleep.

Oh, great.

I mean, come on,

it's like a Hawaiian Rosa, huh?

Is it? Oh, my God.

Yeah, that's asleep.

Look at that.

- Wow.
- She's out deep.

All right. Good to see you guys.

Good night.

Good job. One more
day of lying, guys.

We're almost done.
Home stretch.

All right. So, you
gotta go to sleep.

Yeah.

- Tired?
- Yes. Good night.

- Okay. That was fun.
- Good job.

- Good night.
- Good night.

- Good night.
- All right.

Okay, Danny.

Okay, good luck.
I'll see you in the morning.

She ain't going to sleep.

Oh! Hello!
There he is, Danny!

It's nice to meet you.

Where were you going?

What?

I was going...
I was going to...

Where were you guys?

I was looking for you guys at...

What happened?
How was the dinner?

Dolph gave mouth-
to-mouth to a sheep.

Yeah. And then we
had a few drinks.

Yes. It was choking and
so I gave him sheep-P-R.

But he was the black
sheep of the family,

but he was also white,
if that makes any sense.

And we've been talking about
how amazing this trip has been

and how amazing you are.

Yeah, all joking aside,

it really has been first-class.

And that, if the kids and I
hadn't kept you so busy,

that you might've had the
time to do something

you've been thinking
about doing?

The one ringy-dingy?

Uh... Yeah, you told
her about that?

I don't need you to
get me a ring, Danny.

Let's just get married.
Right here.

What now?

Why not? We're in Hawaii.
Let's do it tomorrow.

I mean, this has felt special
from the moment that we met.

And I've seen the way that
you are with the kids,

and it's exactly the way I always
imagined my husband would be.

Oh, man...

I don't wanna wait.

I just wanna start
my life with you.

Hi!

Hi, everybody! Dolph.

There you are.

I have been looking
everywhere for you.

For me?

Yes. Come here.
Come on, let's go.

- No way, we can't go.
- What?

My little Oompa Loompa.

Danny and Palmer, they're
getting married tomorrow!

What?

No, no, I mean, why?

Yeah, we are.
But what do you think?

What do you mean,
what do I think?

I mean, what does it
matter what I think?

I think that's great.

Thank you, Devlin.

I really hope that you
can be there tomorrow.

I can't.

It's really...

It's bad luck for the ex
to be at the wedding.

Come on, Dolph. Let's go.

Where are we going?
They are here.

We gotta have the sweet sex.

- What?
- Okay? Come on.

Okay. Congratulations, though.

I'm trying
them on as we speak.

I know, but I just bought them.

I had some with me and the one
I have on is pretty amazing.

Michael!

Nincompoop!

Nincompoopenschtic!

Michael, the crap
is the stinking...

Hello?

Hey, you up?

Hi. Yeah. Glad you called.

Are you?

Um...

Yeah, I was, uh, just
checking flights

for your parents
tomorrow and I found...

No, no, no. You don't
have to do that.

Her parents aren't coming in

and she wants it to
be kind of elope-y.

Elope-y.

Got it.

Okay, uh, so, are you all set

for what you need
to wear tomorrow?

Do you think this
is a good idea?

What?
The wedding?

Yeah, the wedding...
Just the whole Palmer thing.

Well, that's why we
came out here, right?

I guess.

You don't think it's crazy?

Um, Danny, you don't
need my permission.

Okay? You're a big boy.

I know, I just...

I know if I do this that...

Just, things could get weird

between you and me
at the office, so...

Well, you're not gonna
have to worry about that.

You going to New York?

Yeah. I just, you
know, I mean...

As much as I was looking
forward to you, um,

reconstructing my face,

I really just need to
start fresh, you know?

Hello, are you there?

You understand?

I guess.

It's an awful lot of guessing
coming through this phone.

I've been divorced,
I have two kids,

I don't have time for guessing.

Got a big day tomorrow,
Doc, all right?

So why don't you just get
yourself some sleep?

So that's it. You have
nothing else to worry about.

We have the flowers, the
music and the location,

which is ha-wowie, by the
way, you're gonna love it.

I promise you it is going to be

the most wonderful day of
your life, guaranteed.

- Devlin.
- Yeah.

Oh! Palmer! I didn't...

Well, you just look
absolutely beautiful.

- Really? Thank you.
- Yes.

Devlin, can I ask you something?

'Course.

Do you still want
to be with Danny?

Wait. What?

Because I think that

he still may be
in love with you.

Really?

Why would you think that?

He's always glowing
when you're around.

And he laughs at your jokes.
He doesn't laugh at mine.

Palmer, trust me, there is
nothing between me and Danny.

We're just, you know,

we're familiar.

And you are the girl for him.

He even told me that last night.

My God, Devlin, this
is such a relief

because I could never stand a
chance going up against you.

Turn around. Tell
me if this fits.

Put the hanger up your nose.

Stop!

Excuse me.

- Here you go.
- Thank you.

Katherine!

- Katherine!
- Oh, Devlin.

That was so much fun last night.

I know.

I am still trying to work
out how you cheated.

I didn't. That's what happened.

So, where's Danny?

Devlin...

Danny's at his wedding.

Come again?

I was never married to him.

All a big lie that I made up.

Why?

'Cause I couldn't stand the
thought of you knowing the truth.

Really?

So, yeah, I'm a single mother.

I have two kids that I love

more than anything in the world.

I drive a Honda.
Still have dial-up internet.

I got a 2.7 GPA in
college, not a 3.4.

And while I'm at it
telling the truth,

I named my kids' poop after you.

And I work for Danny.
I'm his assistant.

That's it.

Really, I would never
have guessed this.

I mean, you two had
a real connection.

He's great.
He's the greatest guy.

And I might even be
in love with him,

but that doesn't really
matter at this moment

because he is getting married
to another person right now.

Ian and I are breaking up.

What?
What happened?

Well, for starters, he's gay.

He's gay?

I mean, look at him.

That's a strong
muscle right there.

I'm squeezing.

Devlin, I gotta tell you,

last night, with the ass
grab of the coconut,

little bit of a red flag.

I've seen him do
that with the soap.

What about the iPod?

Oh, he didn't invent sh*t.

He didn't?

No! He made his money
suing the Dodgers

after he got hit by a foul ball.

Oh, God! That's so... What?

Well, this is different.

Yeah, why didn't we try this
truth-telling thing before?

I don't know.

- Hey.
- Hey.

What?

That's nice.

It's nice to tell the truth.
That's good.

The truth is fun, isn't it?

Like, were you telling the truth

when you said you might
be in love with me?

- I'm gonna leave you two.
- Okay.

- I'm gonna go get a divorce.
- Good luck.

Wait, where are my kids?

Palmer took them
out for ice cream.

So, how was the wedding?

Okay. All right.

So, we're standing on top
of this beautiful cliff.

Uh-huh.

I start looking out
into the Pacific,

and I think to myself,

"Wow. I am about
to start my life"

"with the one I love."

And the only problem was,

the one I love was not with me.

She wasn't?

She was not.

So you didn't?

I couldn't.

You couldn't.

I mean, don't we
have something extra

happening with us?

Danny, I...

What happens when we're
not on fake-cation

and you wake up and
realize this is real?

You are the only real thing
I've ever had in my life.

Danny, come on, man. I don't...

She's beautiful and she's...
I'm not twenty-three.

I'm not that.

She's good, she's very nice,

there's only one problem.
She's not you.

She's not you.

I have two kids.

I can't just drive them off a cliff.
You know?

I love those kids

more than anything in
the world, Guv'nor.

No, I wanna be with those
guys like 23 hours a day.

What about the other hour?

Good job!

That's what I'm talking about.

Whatever!

Well,
everything turned out

pretty good for everybody.

Squirt got to swim
with the dolphins.

Palmer met some tennis player her
own age on the plane ride home,

who's an even bigger
fan of 'N Sync.

And Maggie's about to start
a three-week acting class

with the actual Dolph Lundgren.

And what happened for me?

Well, I'm finally wearing
my wedding ring for real.

And now when women
ask me about it,

I'm gonna tell them I'm
married to a woman

who doesn't b*at me,
doesn't cheat on me,

doesn't drink... Well,
doesn't drink that much.

And who I'm gonna spend
the rest of my life with.

A woman named Katherine.

Would you like to dance with
your wife, Doctor Maccabee?

Yes, I would, Mrs. Maccabee.

Yeah, it's okay.

One more.

You were right, Soul Patch
is going hard on that bass.

- What did I tell you?
- Uh-huh.

- Hey. Encore, man. I'm just kidding.
- Stop.

- I get it.
- It is long and it's gross.

You don't need wind for
that thing to swing around.