04x03 - Malibooty

[bunniefuu]

You find anything? Nothing.

Your brother's turned into a health nut.

All he's got are whole grains and a bottle of flaxseed oil.

You want to do a couple of colon-cleansing sh*ts?

No, let's just order in.

From where? I don't even know what zip code we're in.

Are you feeling a little displaced, Turtle?

Very. We'll get a new home soon, I promise.

Yeah, thanks, Vin. That makes me almost feel good enough to eat some of this sh*t. What is psyllium husk anyway?

Morning. Yo.

Morning, E. How'd you sleep? Oh, fine I'm sure.

Someone got all cozy on the couch while I was stuck sleeping on the air mattress.

Yeah, it was real cozy listening to you snore all night, Turtle.

And please tell me I didn't catch you whacking it at 4:00 a.m.

f*ck, I got to get some privacy, Vin.

You got to get people to see this movie.

E doesn't think so.

Oh boy, here we go.

E thought "Rocky IV" sucked when it came out.

I mean, what does he know?

E, I'm telling you, you're just too close to it.

"Medellin" is a great film. It will be.

Will be? What, did you have a change of heart?

I thought about it all night long. There's greatness in it.

It's just too long. I got some ideas on how to cut some stuff.

I think we can cut the crooked customs cop sequence in half for starters though, no?

Yeah, it was a little long.

Call Walsh. Run your ideas by him.

I think I'm gonna go down there, talk to him in person.

But be positive. You know how sensitive he is.

No, is he really?

Namaste, campers. Rise and shine.

Campers are up, Johnny.

And we're dying for some unhealthy eats, so please tell us you got something.

Fried egg sandwiches from the Bagel Broker.

Nice. Yes!

Not the kind of garbage I like to put in my body, but you know my motto...

"When you have guests, give them what they want."

Yeah, you're running the regular B&B over here, Drama.

We appreciate you putting us up, Johnny.

Right, guys?

No need to thank me, fellas.

To house my kid brother and his friends gives me nothing but pure joy.

Or as they say in Yiddish, nachas.

Besides, God has already rewarded me for my good deeds.

Oh yeah? What did he do? Un-recede your hairline?

No, dickhead. What he did was finally answer an old prayer and deliver Donna Deveny to me. Who's Donna Deveny?

Only one of the finest pieces of party-girl ass this town has ever known.

I used to kick it with her back in my whiskey-bar days, but never officially closed it.

I've been dreaming of f*cking her ever since.

When are you seeing her? Today, bro.

And Turtle, she's got a friend. What kind of friend?

A hot one with a house in Malibu. Really?

Precisely the kind of girls we want to be friends with come June and July.

What, no girl for me and E?

I got Walsh today.

I'll let you and Turtle battle it out for the friend though.

What? It's only fair, right?

You wonder why I'm whacking off late at night.

Hey, I just want you to know I appreciate you guys not leaving me home alone today.

And don't worry, I'm going to be basically invisible.

You won't even know I'm there.

That's great, Vin, but just in case you wind up not being so invisible, could you try and at least take Drama's girl and not mine?

Go f*ck yourself, Turtle.

You wouldn't even have a girl to get taken by Vince if it wasn't for me. Life sucks.

It's gonna be okay, Turtle. I promise.

Oh, sh*t. Look at this one.

Hey, Vince. What are you up to?

Not much, just being a fifth wheel on my boys' double date.

That sounds awful. Doesn't it?

Well, I'm gonna go hang out at my friend's beach house.

Do you want to come?

Yes, I think I do. Excuse me.

You mind, Turtle?

No.

I told you it would be all right.

I would give my nuts to be that guy for one day.

Well, if you had no nuts, what would be the use?

Or would you then be hoping that you had Vince's nuts?

What, no comeback?

You're too dumb to even respond to.

Buenos dias. What up, dog?

Your English is getting better, Juan. Oh, what's this?

The trailer Billy had me cut together for next year's American Film Market.

Behind the greed, behind the legend... was the man.

Wow, this looks great. Yeah.

If only the movie looked so good. What?

What? Nothing. I didn't say anything.

There he is, fresh from the dry cleaners!

My one and only favorite Suit.

How are you doing, Billy? Come here, E, give me some love.

What do you think of the trailer?

What little I saw of it looks amazing.

It looks even better on replay.

Take this home and finger yourself to it, Suit.

For your eyes only. Consider it a little gift for your kind words last night.

I know we haven't always seen eye to eye, but your support for my vision of this film, for allowing me to make it the right way, has taught me that artists and capitalist pigs might be able to work together after all.

I'm making very little money for a capitalist pig, Billy.

I didn't say you're good at it.

Seriously, through all this sh*t, all that matters is that we went off to w*r together and came home with our limbs intact and a f*cking masterpiece in the can, right?

Right. Want a beer?

Sure.

I did have a few thoughts though, Billy.

Thoughts?

Just some ideas I wanted to talk to you about.

You mean like notes?

No, just some small changes I thought might help make the film play better.

Last night you said that you loved it. What, you were lying?

No, I think it's great. But?

But I think it needs work. Well, f*ck what you think, because I love it and Vinnie loved it, and I know he ain't lying.

And the Cannes people are going to love it too.

Cannes? Who's going to Cannes? We are.

I FedExed a print off to the selection committee last week.

I'm just waiting to hear if we're in.

I thought we agreed to wait for Sundance.

f*ck the dance. Been there done that.

I'm going to Cannes and coming home with a Palme d'Or and a Cote d'Azur tan.

Billy, yesterday you were scared to death to show us the film.

Now it's ready for the Cannes committee without changing a single frame?

That's right. You're not as smart as the frogs, Suit.

I know they'll understand. This is not your decision.

Yes it f*cking is. I have final cut. You agreed to it.

Which means that I agreed not to listen to a word you f*cking say.

So no notes, not from you, not ever.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go do some pranayama breathing exercises and try to forget this visit ever happened.

Your friend lives here?

Actually, he's a family friend.

But he lets me come use his private beach whenever I want.

Oh, nice for you. Yeah, he's a great guy.

And he's incredibly cool, so don't get all charmed by him and forget that you came here to hang with me.

How cool could he be?

Do you think Dennis Hopper's cool?

Your friend is Dennis Hopper?

Yeah, my dad's been his lawyer for, like, 20 years.

I love Dennis Hopper.

I'm also excited to hang out with you of course.

You should be.

Yo, E. I'm at Dennis Hopper's house.

Yeah, well, enjoy it now, Vince, because we got big problems.

What are you talking about?

Walsh submitted the movie to Cannes without telling us.

Cannes? What happened to Sundance?

I don't know, he wants a Palme d'Or or whatever the f*ck it's called.

France could be fun.

The movie's not gonna get into Cannes, Vince.

It's not ready. Did you tell Billy what you thought?

Yeah, I tried to give him my notes.

He basically told me to go f*ck myself.

I told you not to upset him.

Upset him? I'm the one who's upset.

We hired the guy for his vision. What do you say we just let him do his thing?

Let him do his thing. The French have the biggest mouths in the world.

If this movie gets rejected from Cannes, the whole world is gonna know the movie sucks.

It doesn't suck. Would you stop saying that?

Sammy. Hi.

Sweetheart. I got to go.

And Aquaman. Vince.

It's Dennis Hopper, E! I got to go! Hey!

Vince, don't hang up on me. Vince! f*ck.

Hi, how are you, Dennis?

Hey, great to meet you. Come on in, come on in.

Yo, how does my breath smell?

Like Arnold's ass.

Don't do that sh*t again.

Don't make me insecure right now, Turtle.

God made you that way. Don't blame me.

Ring the doorbell, assh*le.

You got gum? Gum ain't gonna help what you got.

You need a stomach specialist.

Well, hello.

Mom, there's some guys here to see you.

Mom? Just how old are these broads, Drama?

Don't be an ageist, Turtle.

Besides, rumor had it your girl gave the best rim job in L.A.

Trust me, you play your cards right, by 4:00 you'll be sitting on her face like a bidet.

Hey, Johnny.

Hey, gorgeous, how are you?

Mmm.

Turtle, say hello to the one and only love of my 20s, Miss Donna Deveney. Oh, Johnny, you're still as sweet as ever.

Hey, Turtle. How's it hanging?

You know, it's hanging.

Hey, Margery, get out here, you fat whore!

The boys are here! Calm your horses, you fat whore!

We always call each other that. Hey, boys!

You remember Johnny, right?

Sure I do, from the old days. You sold me coke at Bar One.

You must have me mistaken. I never sold blow.

Maybe I just blew you. Who can remember?

The '90s are such a blur.

This is his friend Turtle. He's cute, huh?

Hey, what do you guys say we take a couple sh*ts before lunch?

Whoo whoo whoo. Get a little loose.

Are you kidding? Loose is our middle name. Right, Turtle?

Let's go. Let's go.

That's the best rim job in L.A?

Yeah, just ask Chuck Sheen.

Yes, E, I would say being rejected by Cannes before we have a distributor would be a disaster...

One in a series of disasters orchestrated by you since you took the reins of Vince's career.

So what can we do, Ari? Well, let's see.

I could give you a hug and say it's okay that you destroyed your best friend's career.

Or B: I could have you come in here and write on the dry erase-board 500 times, "I destroyed my best friend's career, I destroyed my best friend's career." I'd go with B.

Ari, there's genius in this movie. Is there?

Yeah, well, Walsh won't change a f*cking thing.

I got to get rid of him.

Rid of him? That's your boy.

You gave him final cut even though I begged you not to.

Now you're going to have to live with it or k*ll him.

Actually, that's a good idea. Why don't you k*ll him, then k*ll yourself?

Could you imagine the outpouring of love and sympathy when Vince loses both of you?

I can have him back on top in three months. You owe him that much, E.

Ari. All right, look.

The only way to get rid of Walsh is to sell the movie to someone who won't release his cut.

But no one could sell a shitty movie. Well, maybe I could.

But no one could sell a shitty movie no one's seen a f*cking frame of.

What about a great trailer? Could you sell a great trailer, Ari?

How great?

Great house. Oh, thanks.

I'm sure you have a few just like it.

No actually, right now I'm sort of homeless.

Yeah? Yeah.

Well, there's no better way to find out who you are and what you're made out of than living in the great outdoors.

I did 16 months in a cave on "Apocalypse," and let me just tell you that God is the finest decorator I've ever had.

So what's the score, guys?

Still 0-0.

We call it nil-nil, Chucky, in soccer.

You follow soccer, Aquaman?

Not really. Oh, great sport.

Pele turned me on to it back in the day when we were chasing honeys together.

The great thing is, no American bookie knows sh*t about handicapping.

We've got a million bucks riding on Manchester United.

Wow. You want a part of the bet?

You can have 100k of mine.

It makes watching the game a lot more interesting.

And it's a lock.

Actually, I was gonna take Vince down to the beach.

Oh, if you would rather lay on the beach with the girls than gamble with the men, I guess that's okay.

You know, maybe we can hang with the guys for a little bit, if that's all right with you.

Besides, we do have all night together, don't we?

Is that your way of saying you'll make it up to me?

I'll certainly try.

All right, let's watch the game. I'm in.

Now that's the spirit that I'm talking about.

Now if somebody would get their ass up and give our super friend here a couple of seats...

There you go. Thank you.

All right.

Vincent Chase.

"Medellin."

I love Latin men in uniform.

See? Gay Joe Public. I resent that.

Who cares what the movie looks like?

Good trailer, sexy cast, boom! So what do you think?

I think I can sell it. I can sell it for a lot.

To who?

Harvey. Harvey?

He's been tracking this thing since day one.

He hates us.

He's a businessman, Eric, not your prom date who still holds a grudge because you didn't f*ck her right.

We'll be fine. We'll go in there with our hat in our hands.

Vince will show him his $50-million smile. Harvey will bite.

I don't think Vince is gonna wanna go, Ari.

Why not?

Well, he and I kind of have differing views on the movie.

Differing how? Well, he likes it.

He likes it?

Vince likes the movie? Then why the f*ck are you here?

Because he's wrong. Look, I don't know if he's brainwashed or he's scared to not back his director.

I don't know, but he's wrong.

Did you talk to him about this? No, I spoke to him.

He hung up on me. He hung up on you?

Well, I'm hanging up on you in person.

Let me explain something to you. I have two philosophies:

My client is always right, and B: His manager is always an overpaid useless pain in the ass.

Yeah, my two philosophies are one: You're a d*ck, and two: When you realize I'm right, you're gonna know you're a d*ck.

You know what, Ari? Forget it, I'll take care of this myself.

I'll see you later. Bye, Lloyd.

Jeez, there was such positive energy in this room just a few moments ago.

Turtle, you remind me of one of my son's friends.

Yeah, I got a familiar face.

Well, it's not your face I'm interested in.

Why don't you walk ahead of me so I can see what kind of junk you got in your trunk?

Actually, my mother always taught me it's impolite to walk in front of a woman.

Oh! We got a shy one here, Donna!

Well, he's a turtle. He'll come out of his shell.

Good one, Donna. I'll tell you what, Turtle, you can check out my heinie for now and show me yours later.

You are in for one wild afternoon, pal.

So when you say I have no money, Marvin, what do you really mean?

I mean you are busted, Vince.

Your balance is zero.

You're living off of your American Express card, got it?

Hmm. "Hmm"?

What the f*ck does "hmm" mean?

Well, I... Hey, want to take a walk?

Just one moment please.

Thank you.

All right, don't tell Eric, because I don't want him nagging me, but I may need you to stake me 100 grand.

100 grand? For what?

Well, I kind of went in on a bet with Dennis Hopper on Manchester United and we're down.

Are you out of your mind, Vince? What do you know about soccer?

Get the f*ck out of there!

I already placed the bet, Marvin, I can't just walk out.

Bullshit! You put one foot in front of the other and move them.

Hold on, Marvin. I'm getting a call that may make me some money.

Vince! Hey, Ari, what's up?

Do you know that your man broke out of the Oompa Loompa factory and is up to no good? What do you mean?

Hi, Eric Murphy for Harvey.

Oh, you can have a seat. I'll let him know you're here.

Thank you.

Hey. Did you tell Ari the movie sucked?

Yeah, I did.

E, I'm having a hard enough day as it is.

I thought we agreed you weren't gonna be negative.

Look, I didn't agree to anything, all right? You hung up on me.

I'm not being negative. I'm being realistic.

The movie needs work.

Since when did you become a filmmaker?

What's that supposed to mean? It means you're new to this.

You don't know what to look for in a first cut, much less how to fix one.

Oh, what, so my opinion doesn't count?

E, when you were managing your restaurant, what did you think when a customer told you how to do your job?

Oh, please. You did not just seriously just f*cking say that.

Vince, I'm the producer of this movie. I deserve to be heard.

Is that what this is about? Your ego? You're not feeling heard?

f*ck you. I put my own money into this.

Yeah, and now what?

You're panicking. I'll buy you out right now if you don't believe in it.

You're broke, big sh*t. Yeah!

I got something in the works.

Eric, Harvey will see you now.

Yeah, me too.

E, don't hang up on me.

Are you ready? Yes, how are you today?

I'm okay. How are you? Nice to meet you.

Check out how long my tongue is.

We might have a record holder here.

Well, it's good for those hard-to-reach places.

Yeah, well if anyone's got hard-to-reach places, it's Turtle.

Whoo-whoo. He's kidding.

Oh, too bad.

What do you guys say we get out of here and go f*ck?

I say "Check please!"

What... I'm gonna go freshen up.

Okay. I'll go with you.

I'm out of here, Drama. There's no way I'm f*cking that old lady.

Jesus, Turtle, how would you like it if someone talked about your mother like that?

If my mother was out chasing guys half her age or two-thirds her age, she'd deserve it.

Look, you can't bail on me. I need you here.

The only way I'm gonna get Donna alone is if you keep Margery busy.

Well, get her a deck of cards and some friends to play mah jongg with because I'm gone.

Come on, Turtle! 16 years I've been dying to bang this broad.

Take one for the team, like I did for you that time you set me up with a girl with the clubfoot.

At least that girl was a nine from the ankles up.

Come on, Turtle, don't leave. I'm begging you, please.

Fine, all right, but you owe me for life.

Yes, I owe you for life. Mm-hmm.

Are we still gonna split this down the middle?

Our last meeting at Sundance was unpleasant.

Yeah, a little bit.

Well, I tend to get overexcited sometimes.

You did f*ck me though.

And I have to apologize for that.

Yeah, no, you really f*cked me. I thought we had a deal.

Again, I'm sorry. I f*ck people.

I don't like getting f*cked. No one does.

You're not trying to f*ck me again here?

No no. No no no.

Because I've been following "Medellin" for a long time and I've heard some not such great things from inside sources.

Well, I don't know what inside sources you have, Harvey, but...

You'll never know. That's why they call them inside sources.

Look, Harvey, I know there's a great movie in here.

I was there. I know what we sh*t.

But this guy Walsh needs to be recut.

I know you're the guy that can bring the brilliance out of this movie.

I want you to look at this.

I think you'll get a better idea of what we're talking about.

You wanna get rid of your director? I do.

My kind of producer.

Carol, put that up on the big screen.

We'll look at it together now.

We're looking good, Aquaman. We're looking good.

I don't know. We're down by one with less than a minute to go.

Yeah, but we got a penalty kick coming up.

Man U's got the best penalty kickers in the game.

Best in the game. We're going into overtime.

Trust me, I am never wrong. Am I ever wrong, guys?

Never wrong. Not about soccer.

Not about movies. Not about financial services.

Okay, now shut the f*ck up.

Everybody quiet. Here it comes.

f*ck! Oh man, he guessed right.

Man, see that? Jeez.

Well, it's only money, right, Aquaman?

Yeah, Dennis, about that.

When are you gonna need the money?

Because I didn't bring any cash...

What's with all the noise? You guys woke me up.

Manchester just f*cking lost.

They did? Yeah.

Oh, sh*t. Yeah, sh*t's right.

No, Dennis. I forgot to call in the bets.

Really?

Then I guess we all just caught a lucky break!

Yes, all right!

All right! Whoo!

So you want to take a walk down to the beach now, Vince?

I would love to take a walk down to the beach.

Hey, Aquaman, Brazil is playing next.

They are a lock. Now are you in?

Definitely.

All right, that's my man.

Lordy lordy, she hasn't aged an inch.

Hey, boys.

You know there's no way I can do this, right, Drama?

Yeah, I get it, Turtle. You don't have to.

Just sit there and hold your d*ck and don't f*ck it up for me.

All right.

Oh yeah, you sexy thing.

Actually, Johnny, Margery and I were talking, and we thought we'd mix things up a bit.

Mix things up a bit how?

I thought I reminded you of your son's friend.

Yeah, the one I always wanted to f*ck.

You got to be sh1tting me.

Oh, I'm sorry, Johnny. You know I like my boys young.

And you just aren't so anymore.

Oh, let them go, honey.

You're in for the best afternoon of your life!

We have almost the same blood.

How did my life go so wrong?

Genetic mutations can be so cruel.

Hey. Hey, E.

This is Sam.

Hey Sam. Hi.

When you get a second, can we talk? Sure.

Thanks.

Uh-oh, I think I'm in trouble.

I'll be right back. All right.

So how was the day, boys?

Well, Drama's got the cleanest assh*le in America and I learned that passion begins after 40.

I'd say it was a pretty good day. It sounds like it.

Yo, what's up?

Can you guys give us a minute?

It's my house, E. Johnny.

Yeah, sure, bro. Yeah, who knows?

Maybe I'll even take a girl from you this time, Vince.

Because after all, I am on a hot streak.

Shut up, Turtle.

Yeah, this ain't a house. It's a condo and it ain't a big one.

So you're mad at me?

You called me pizza boy. No, I didn't.

Yeah, you did. You called me pizza boy just like Ari.

I was pissed. I was down 100 grand on a soccer game.

What? Yeah, don't worry. I got it all back.

And I won $100,000 on Brazil. Are you f*cking kidding me?

No, come on. You wanna hit the Palm for lobbies?

Come on, it's a good day.

No it's not. I'm pissed. I'm sorry.

You know what? Don't give me that sh*t.

You know, you tell me I'm not a filmmaker, and that's fine.

But you know what? I found the script.

You didn't and Ari didn't. I picked the director.

And I got somebody to buy this movie and bail us out of our financial problems.

What do you mean? I brought it to Harvey.

He wants it, Vince. I got him to make us an offer.

$25 million. It takes final cut away from Billy.

It's what's best for us and it's what's best for the movie.

You got an offer? Yeah.

And if we get rejected from Cannes and that goes public we may never get an offer like that again.

You got an offer off a trailer?

That is amazing.

Yeah, I can spin some dough, huh?

Look, E, I know you're doing what you think is best, and I was wrong about what I said today.

And I do appreciate how much you really have done. I really do.

But is it possible you're wrong too? How?

About the movie. Maybe you really are too close.

Is that possible? Well yeah, maybe, but I'd like to be protected in case we don't get into Cannes.

We did get into Cannes. What?

The movie got into Cannes. I just talked to Walsh an hour ago.

I don't believe it.

Well, believe it, because you made... We made a great film.

A film I don't think we should sell until we get to the festival.

We got into Cannes? Maybe you should watch it again.

Maybe.