04x05 - The Dream Team

[bunniefuu]

Am I nuts or would a hoodie make me look 10 years younger?

10 years younger than him maybe, Drama.

Blow me, E.

I don't know what you're so nervous about, Johnny.

You're just going back to work.

Guys at work think I'm old, bro.

They treat me old, and the writers write me old.

This season I'm aging down.

I'm gonna get me a storyline with someone around 19.

He'll play your boy toy. Would you look at this beast?

Looks just like the one I got at the Army/Navy in the sixth grade.

Yeah, only about two grand more.

Two grand just to hang with the cool kids, huh?

Great, Johnny, you know what? It's on me.

You come into some money, bro?

No, we got into Cannes. It's a film festival, not a job, Vince.

Jobs are coming, E. I can feel it.

Here's my Barney's card. Knock yourself out.

I'll take it off my tab, bro. Sweet.

We got Walsh upstairs in five. We'll see you guys later.

Later. Have fun, boys.

All right, you buying that or what, pretty woman?

Not now, Turtle. Check out that hat.

What about it? It's awesome.

The potheads at work will freak.

Potheads? You're aging yourself up with that phrase, Drama.

Yo, pretty dope lid you're sporting there, hombre.

Where'd you get it?

So maybe we should start thinking about a new house.

Yeah, maybe we should start thinking about a new job.

I told you, E, jobs are coming.

God, you're so negative. Hey!

Hey, Snoop, what up? Nothing like you got going on.

What's up, Snoop? What's up, E?

See you all got that "Medellin" into Cannes or is it Cannes?

It's Cannes. It's Cannes.

Really? Yeah.

Either way, man, congratulations. Thanks.

And I seen the trailer. Whoo! That m*therf*cker's off the hook.

Trailer? Where?

On YouTube this morning.

Y'all make "Blow" look like "Romper Room."

Thanks.

Success and nothing less, man.

All right, Snoop, we'll see you next time.

Peace.

Somebody leaked the trailer?

Walsh should be happy. I think he already isn't.

Hey, what's up, Billy?

Nothing good. Somebody put the trailer on the net.

Yeah, I know. We just heard. Yeah, any idea who?

Just one.

What, are you kidding me?

I only gave it to you. Yeah, and it's at my house.

Yeah, and now it's all over the f*cking internet, you rat cocksucker. Listen, E would never do that.

Vince, he hated the movie. He was wrong.

Now he's trying to sabotage it no matter what it does to you.

f*ck you. No, f*ck you.

You suck at your job. You got a Napoleonic complex, and I'm gonna f*ck your mother if I ever meet her.

Get your finger out of my face. Or what?

It's gonna end up up your ass. Why don't you admit that you're a traitorous p*ssy and you like to suck cock?

Hey hey hey!

Are you sure the kid said 7263 Melrose?

Yeah, right next to Albano's.

This don't look like a clothing store.

Look again.

You smell that?

Yeah, Albano's. We'll get a slice of pepperoni after.

I'm not talking about pizza.

That's some fine herb.

Yeah, what is this place?

Heaven maybe.

Can I help you fellas? Yes, I believe you can.

I would like to purchase one black California homegrown trucker hat, similar to the one on that fella over there.

Sure, chief, soon as I see your card.

Card, what card?

The card that says you're allowed in.

Why wouldn't I be allowed in?

I hope there are no discriminatory practices going on here, because...

Is this a medical marijuana facility?

Uh-huh, and no card, no service.

Wow. Yo, something about getting my weed legally just never seemed right, but this looks okay.

It is okay.

Look, I don't want any weed. I just want the hat.

Well, you can't get that hat, not without a card. Sorry.

Come on, Drama, it's just a hat.

It's not just a hat, Turtle.

It's the key to me landing the cover of "Tiger b*at."

Where do I get one of these cards?

You need a doctor's prescription.

Yeah, that's great, just great.

Let's go, Drama. Where to?

Get you checked out. I know a guy, come on.

Hey, E, you're not gonna take Ari down too, are you?

That's funny, Vince, but this kid's had it coming for a long time.

But in the middle of Barney's?

You're right. I should have done it a month ago on set and saved myself the ulcer.

You're lucky you didn't get arrested.

He's lucky that busboy was there to pull me off.

I would have f*ckin' k*lled him. Hey, Lloyd.

Ooh, somebody's got a sexy tear in their shirt.

Oh, man, I just bought this.

No need to get upset. If you take it off I could sew it, good as new in a mere moment.

Save your h*m* sl*ve labor for me, Lloyd.

E, don't take your shirt off. I don't want anyone going blind from the reflection off your translucent boy chest.

Don't start with E, Ari. He's very aggressive today.

Ooh, that's scary.

So my services are not required?

Thanks anyway. Let's do this.

Did you hear about the trailer?

That's all I've been hearing about.

Lloyd, how many calls have we gotten already about Vince?

A baker's dozen, at least.

Including Jeff Katzenberg, who called and said it was like when he saw the "Ray" trailer and knew that Jamie Foxx was gonna get an Oscar nom.

So this is good news? No, this is not good news.

Good news is when the wife agrees to eat box for your birthday.

This is great news!

I told you things were gonna start turning.

They are turning fast.

Every studio in town wants to take a meeting.

Awesome but I only wanna take one meeting with one studio, if you guys are still onboard.

Still onboard with what?

Well, even though I pretty much find E useless, he did slip me this one year ago.

Wow, you remembered this, Ari.

Don't get all misty on me, E.

"Lost in the Clouds," about the hiker up Mount Annapurna.

I love that story. It is on a fast track. Good eye, E.

Guess who's in control of this one. Dana Gordon.

Dana Gordon? She hates you, doesn't she?

Only until she loves me again. You got her fired, Ari.

Yes, I did, but now she's got a new bigger job.

It would have taken her years without a good g*dd*mn kick in the ass.

Plus, I got pictures, slides actually, of her begging me. You know what I'm saying? So here's the deal.

Now I am ready to clear my calendar and focus on one mission if you choose to accept. Do you choose?

Absolutely. Get us a payday, Ari.

Choose some clothes other than the ones from the Salvation Army, E.

This is Ralph Lauren, Ari. One more thing:

My boy Elvis Mitchell, former superstar critic of the "New York Times," is in town doing a piece for "Interview" magazine about the brains behind "Medellin"... and you too, E.

Really? Nice.

Gotta keep that momentum pushing.

Can you do early drinks at the Beverly Wilshire?

Sure. And call Walsh.

No problem.

Thanks. Mm-hmm.

I gotta use my real name? You want the card?

I wanna improve my image, Turtle, not end up as an "Us Weekly" headline.

You should be so lucky, and this is not headline material.

This is perfectly legal.

All you have to do is convince them that there's something wrong with you.

But there's not. I'm the picture of health.

Hey, kid, what are you claiming?

Nerve damage from a skateboarding accident.

Huh... and you?

Same, but from a car accident.

How about you on a motorcycle accident?

And I have nerve damage? Sure, why not?

Because I'm too physically fit to have nerve damage, Turtle.

Look at these pipes. Oh, God.

Johnny Chase. Right here.

Follow me.

What are you gonna go with?

My improv skills.

You have Legionnaire's disease?

That's right.

Legionnaire's disease is a chronic lung disorder.

I know. It's terrible.

Mr. Chase, I don't think smoking marijuana is the right treatment for a chronic lung disease, do you?

Well, you're the doc.

Typically, medical marijuana is used to treat nausea as related to cancer. I don't have cancer.

Crohn's disease? What's that?

Intestinal problems, extreme bouts of diarrhea?

Thank you, no.

AIDS? Tested biweekly. No no.

I think we're at a stalemate here.

Hey, Doc, can I be honest with you?

I don't want any pot.

I just want the hat that they sell at the place.

That's all. Just a hat.

Well, could I be honest with you?

I can't give you a card unless you give me a legitimate reason to.

So will you give me one?

Can I go back to Crohn's disease? You already said no.

What else is there? Well, you can't think of anything?

No, I'm usually so good on my feet. f*ck, I need that hat.

Why? What is so important about this hat?

Doc, in my line of work, you gotta do everything you can to look young. And since I dare not stick a Botox needle in my face for fear of losing my comic expressiveness, this hat is all I got.

You seem like an anxious person. Is this a fair assessment?

Well...

Do you feel nervous for no apparent reason?

Sometimes. Hyperventilating?

I do have a history of panic att*cks.

Beautiful. I think it's hereditary.

Well, go get yourself a hat.

And do yourself a favor: While you're there, pick up some nice chill weed and smoke just a little.

I think you're gonna find your life just a tad more manageable.

Trust me.

Thank you, Doc. You're welcome.

There is no f*cking way I'm apologizing to that jerkoff, Vince.

Forget it. I'm not asking you to apologize, but you have to talk to him. Why?

Why? Because he's our director and we have a movie to finish.

I can finish the movie without saying d*ck to him.

He doesn't listen to me anyway.

And what about tonight?

You go. Elvis Mitchell doesn't care about me.

E, the guy's trying to write a story about three guys from New York who made a movie, not two. You understand?

All right, fine, I'll go. But you better tell Walsh not to f*cking antagonize me or it's gonna get ugly.

All right. I'm serious.

Okay.

She in? No, you cannot go in there, Mr. Gold.

How is the most fuckable president of production in town?

Ari, get the f*ck out.

I brought Cristal and Sprinkles cupcakes. Your favorite.

Or is it mine? What's the difference?

We used to eat everything off each other anyway.

I have to call you back.

What do you want, Ari?

Have you seen Vince's trailer?

I have. It's good. Oh, please.

It's f*cking great.

Gonna be downloaded more times than Britney's beaver sh*t.

Point? Point is I just left him.

He loves "Lost in the Clouds" enough to let you scoop him up before every studio in town begs for his services. I'm telling you, Dana, buy him today for half of what you pay for him tomorrow.

I can't.

Dana, do not hold our personal problems against Vince.

Ari, Vince would be great for this, but Curtis Hanson is directing.

Vince loves Curtis.

And we already have an offer out to someone.

I hope to close today. m*therf*cker.

Who? Heath Ledger.

Sorry, Ari.

But this is good.

Lay off the icing, Dana. Looks like your hips could use a breather.

Lloyd, I need information on Heath Ledger.

44-inch chest, Aries, and he loves rainy days and black-and-white movies.

Who represents him, Lloyd?

Josh Weinstein.

f*ck you! f*ck you!

Sorry, Ari, that was a reflex.

This is gonna be easier than I thought.

What is?

You have any queen spies at the Weinstein office?

I have spies at every office, Ari. Doctors, lawyers...

Find out where he's eating lunch today.

What are you up to, Ari?

Sabotage, Lloyd. Agency 101.

Oh, goody.

We haven't had a stealth adventure in a while.

You know I don't smoke weed during the work season.

Yeah, but you heard the doc.

He said you're nervous. You ought to try something.

Turtle, if you wanted the weed, why didn't you get the card?

I just wanted to see if something happened to you first.

Well, nothing did. Check out that bad boy right there.

Impressive. What's wrong with you?

Panic disorder. I'll buy that.

Yo, where the hats at?

Oh, yeah. Oh!

Hey, can I help you guys?

Yes, what's the largest amount that one can legally... with the card... purchase?

How much do they need? Maybe 2 lbs.

Listen, just give him the most you can of the strongest you got.

Me, I'll take one jet-black California homegrown trucker hat.

No bag necessary. I'll be wearing it out.

Oh, yeah. Now I'm ready for work.

Me too.

Vinnie, Vinnie, that little c**t sucker-punched me, man, the biggest bitch move in the world.

Billy, you did scream he likes to suck cock.

I want that little undersized douche in the ring anytime, anywhere.

Billy, this is getting ridiculous.

No, what's ridiculous is that one of the producers of our film seems intent on taking it down. Taking it down?

The whole town is freaking over the trailer.

Yo, I wasn't ready yet.

Well, either way, I'm telling you he did not leak it.

Get him on a lie detector then. I'll pay for the thing.

Oh, Billy, come on.

You don't doubt him even for a minute?

The guy tried to sell our movie behind your back.

Billy, he's like my brother.

I've known him since I'm six years old. I have zero doubt.

You understand?

I do. You're a loyal guy, and I respect that.

So please respect that I need you there tonight.

And I need you both to get along during this interview for the sake of the movie.

Okay, Vince, for you and for the movie, but you tell him, one look, one word, one smirk, and he's going down hard.

I'll see you there. It's all good.

He understands it's all about the movie.

He's gonna be on his best behavior. Yeah, well, he better be.

There he is. There he is.

Keep the moistness out of your pants, Lloyd, and just wait.

Let him see us. Let him come to us, all right?

Hey, Ari, how are you? What, we still got beef?

No beef, Josh. This is my assistant Lloyd.

Hey. Josh used to be you, Lloyd.

Oh, Josh Weinstein. Ari's always yelling at me, "Lloyd, why can't you be more like Josh Weinstein?"

Really? That's cool.

What are you up to, Josh?

Nothing much, man, just working with Heath.

Ledger... I'm sure you've heard. I did not hear.

No, but that's fantastic. Terrific. I love Heath.

Oh yeah. He's huge, and he's mine.

Mmm.

Ari, you would have been so proud of me.

It was just how you taught me. Yeah?

I was in a Team Ledger meeting, Uh-huh?

Threw out a couple of suggestions... oh, did his point guy get pissed!

But Heath loved my ideas.

Bam! Now he only listens to what I say.

Where are you steering him now, Josh?

We're about to close on "Lost in the Clouds."

Really?

Yeah, what? You don't like it?

No no no, you know, I shouldn't say anything.

Excuse me, miss, uh, could we be seated now? Thanks.

Right this way, Mr. Gold. All right.

Are you just being a hater, or you really got something to say?

Listen, do you really want Heath up on another mountain playing gay again? I mean, come on, "Brokeback" is still in people's minds.

Very much so.

Gay? What are you talking about, Ari?

This is supposed to be a badass mountain climber.

Maybe. Did you read the book, Josh?

I mean, there is a reason why he chose the handsome Sherpa who was educated at Oxford to show him up the mountain.

I was thinking about The Rock for the Sherpa.

Oof.

There is an image. Look, Josh, I don't mean to tell you your business, but what do you think they were doing in that cave for two weeks?

They were using each other's asses as hand warmers.

The love affair... it's the subtext of the whole script, even if it doesn't overtly make the movie.

I think Heath and The Rock will make a hot couple, Josh.

I wouldn't worry about it at all.

You've got my $10.50.

I gotta go call Heath. Excuse me, guys.

Sorry, guys.

What do you think?

When you told me your plan, I thought it was simple and stupid.

Uh-huh, and now? Brilliant and complex.

There you go. A couple of sh*ts, huh, Lloyd?

Okay, Ari Gold, okay.

Excuse me, miss, can we get a couple of woo-woos over here?

What the f*ck is a woo-woo?

Woo-woo!

Hey, Johnny. Hey, gorgeous.

What up, playas? Looking good, Johnny Drama.

Feeling good, J.J., feeling good.

Hey, Angela, how's it hanging, baby?

Hey, Johnny. How was your hiatus?

Any better... I'd be guilty.

Gary! Yo!

Drama, what up, dawg? What up, biatches?

Johnny, what's up, man? You look good.

Yeah? Yeah. You lose weight or what?

Maybe a couple pounds. I've been hitting the gym, doing two a day.

Nice. Hey, we should work out sometime.

If you think you can keep up with my regimen.

Yo, man, that's a sweet hat.

This old thing? Yeah.

It's a'ight. A'ight? Dude, it's awesome.

k*ller, man.

That's from that medical marijuana joint, huh, Drama?

Yeah.

Dude, I hear they got the illest OG Kush there.

Let's just say membership has its privileges.

Nice, Drama. Dude, you just turned this into one very sweet new season.

Yeah? f*ck yeah, dude.

Yo, what the hell we waitin' for, boys?

Let's hit Drama's trailer, spark it up.

Come on. Uh...

Don't even tell me you didn't bring any for us, Drama.

Of course I did. It's in the car.

Yeah! Yeah, all right!

I'll go get it. All right!

Dude, he's the man. We're hooking up.

Come on, Turtle, pick it up.

Yo. Yo, did you finish all my weed?

Nah, not all of it.

I need you on the set with whatever's left, now.

I'm not moving too fast, Drama. This is some powerful sh*t.

Now, Turtle, now!

Vince. Hey, Elvis.

How are you? Great.

Good to see you. Haven't seen you since Sundance.

Yeah, that's right. How have you been?

Very well. And you? Good.

This is my producer and manager, Eric Murphy.

Nice to meet you, Elvis. How are you?

I'm well. How are you? I'm good, thanks.

And here's Mr. Walsh now.

Mr. Mitchell.

Pleasure to meet you. How are you?

So, uh... how charming do we have to be to get the cover?

Who told you, Ari? Told me what, Dana?

What are you talking about? I was just calling to apologize.

You know, I thought maybe I was a little rude earlier.

Brian grazer, how are you, man? Yeah. Hey.

Good to see you.

Listen, the real "American Gangster." Everything good?

Yeah, it's good, but I'll see you in a while.

Yes, you will. Can we put Vinnie and Russell together?

Yeah.

We will. Dana, listen, I know that deep down my behavior really turns you on, but in case it really doesn't, then yes, I am sorry.

Whatever. Heath's off "Lost in the Clouds."

Really? Yeah, it turns out he's got some passion project he wants to direct.

A very interesting turn of events out of nowhere.

And an even stranger one that I'm calling you now.

Well, you tell Curtis that Vinnie is in.

You know, I would love to, but Curtis is out.

Wanted to only work with Heath on this and no one else.

Jesus. Uh, so now what?

So now my fast-track film has hit the skids.

Smoke smoke smoke!

Smoke smoke smoke...

...smoke smoke smoke...

Oh yeah, baby.

Whoo! Yeah!

Take it easy, Drama. That sh*t's strong.

Hey, everyone, Turtle here thinks he's my dad, thinks I should slow down.

Don't worry, bro, he's cool.

See, Turtle? I'm cool.

Yeah. All right, I'm up.

You just went, Drama. Just hit me, bitch.

It's not your turn, Drama. Just f*cking hit me, man.

You don't have any cards, Drama.

Well, get me some m*therf*cking cards then, son.

All right, dawg.

Ooh.

Hit me.

Oh!

Strip or smoke.

Well, there's no way I'm taking these boxers off and humiliating all the other men in here, so...

I'll strip for you.

I'll take that... and I'll smoke. Pack that sh*t tight.

You're out of your mind, Drama.

Smoke smoke smoke...

Whoa whoa whoa.

Are you okay, Drama?

What?

Are you okay?

Why is everyone looking at me?

'Cause you're talking.

I'm not talking, you're talking. Relax, Drama.

I can't relax. My pulse is skyrocketing.

Check my pulse. Oh sh*t, dude.

Someone is bugging out.

I'm not bugging out. My mouth is just dry. I need some water.

But out! Bug out! Bug out...

No, I'm not bugging out. Give me water.

Someone get me some water. Get me some water!

Bug out! Bug out...

Turtle, why won't they help me?

Why don't you just help yourself and embrace it?

Yeah, I'm bugging out.

Yeah. I'm bugging out!

Smoke smoke smoke...!

So we're standing on the side of this mountain overlooking this place that Pablo Escobar terrorized over a decade, and we're going, "What is the flaw in humanity that makes people act so cruel?"

Elvis, it was amazing. It was very inspiring.

Mm-hmm. What did you think, Eric?

Oh, Eric wasn't there.

I was at base camp preparing for the next scene.

Eric wasn't necessarily on set a lot.

I was wherever I needed to be, wherever that was.

Eric has the toughest job and he'll probably get the least amount of credit.

But he's the smallest so he doesn't need as much credit as big people.

Yeah. Then again, my ego isn't half as big as Billy's.

sh*t, Simon Cowell's ego isn't as big.

You guys have an amazing rapport. Don't they?

The three of you. Did you all grow up together?

No, just me and E.

"Tiny E"...that's our nickname for him.

You can print that.

Thanks again, guys.

Take care, Elvis. Thank you.

Good luck at Cannes. Thank you.

You f*cking prick. Lick my balls, bitch.

What, you want me to whip your ass again, you f*cking hack?

Hack? Let's go, right here. Yeah, you're a f*cking hack.

Shut the f*ck up!

Seriously.

E, get in the f*cking car. Go.

You'd better run, p*ssy.

Run? E.

I'm sorry, man. I just hate him.

Talk to you later, Billy.

Don't be mad at me, Vinnie.

Drive away now. Drive away if you know what's good for you.

Are you f*cking serious? Oh, what, it's me?

Walsh is a mess. I mean, look at him. He's a crazy artist.

Arghh-hh-hh! You're not.

You're supposed to have your head on your shoulders, right?

Right. No, you're right, Vince, I'm sorry.

But six more weeks and that's it.

We finish posting this movie, we go to Cannes, and then I never see or speak to this f*ck again, ever.

Fine. Fine.

Hey, what's up, Ari?

Who wants to climb Mount Annapurna?

We got it?

We got it. That's sick.

No, what's sick is I also got E on as a producer.

Nice. How did you do that?

By using the hype to sell them the dream-team package.

Oh yeah? Who's the dream team?

Team "Medellin," baby. Vinnie stars, you produce, Walsh directs.

Boom!

f*ck me.