04x05 - No Man Is Pudding

[bunniefuu]

Previously on "weeds"...

Check it out. Some assh*le's van is getting towed.

What?! My plants!

Where do the kids sit with all the pot in the back?

Please don't put me back in jail.

I want to know where nancy botwin is.

I found... Nancy.

She was with guillermo.

I got a couple of runs need to get done.

Nancy: there's a g*n in here. It's just a pickup.

You just sit in your car, and mexico comes to you.

The tijuana police?

That's a lot of product.

Where do I sit?

I'll be back in 45 minutes.

Hola.

Uh, you guys, uh, heading towards ren mar?

Davenport, iowa.

Close enough.

Meet me this afternoon by the border at the outlet mall.

Who is this bitch?

We caught her outside.

Lady was taking pictures.

Now, that's a real g*n pressed against your head.

Real b*ll*ts inside it.

Hey. Look at me.

Now, you look way outside your world right now, but you need to tell your brain to tell your mouth to tell me what you were doing outside my warehouse with this thing.

Na-na-na-na...

Na-na-na... Na! Na! Na!

Na! Na! Na-na-na-na...

What's your name?

Guillermo.

But that's my name.

How you know my name, huh?

Huh? How she know my name?

I don't want to die! I don't want to die!

How you f*cking know my name?

She's with me.

Oh, is that right? What's her name?

It's celia.

He wasn't talking to you.

She's my backup.

f*cking bitch was supposed to stay in the car!

Why am I hearing about this now?

I don't know.

Why didn't you tell me about not putting dr*gs in my car or lento the criminal or the tijuana police?

Isn't that how it works around here...

Nobody tells anybody anything?!

Why she taking pictures?

I don't know. That's a very good question.

Give me that.

Why are you taking pictures?

Uh...

Why are you taking pictures?!

I-i was scrapbooking?

Damn!

Nobody hits my f*cking crew. That's my job!

Hey, that g*n's loaded, blanca.

You hear that, fucko? g*n's loaded.

Back off, man. Back away.

Celia, get in the f*cking prius.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

She f*cked up. It's on me.

Oh, you damn right it's on you.

I'll take care of it.

Get in the g*dd*mn car now!

Give me the tooth.

Open the gate, please.

This is some sloppy sh*t. Agreed.

You make this go away, okay?

We got a date tonight.

It's done. Don't forget.

Andy: always thought the border would be flat.

Total popular misconception.

It's quite the workout.

Calves feeling the burn. Neck feeling the burn.

Esperen.

All right.

Are those pepitas?

I love pepitas.

Oh, wow. Thanks.

Um... Gracias.

Looks real, right?

Oh, well, sure.

Much, much smaller. Pigs can get huge.

They had them on a commune that I crashed at for a while.

There was this girl, and there was this charismatic leader guy who slept with the girl.

I could make one of you with the hair and everything.

How much would you pay for that?

A marzipan portrait. Huh.

Okay. Mmm. Marzipandy.

Yeah, at least $10.

Mm.

Did you just say that you missed your mother?

Come here.

Ivamos, rápido! Ivamos, piruja!

Andy: oh, yeah!

Hey. Yeah?

Pay your fare, gabacho.

Oh, right. Okay.

Let's see.

Here we go.

$6?

That's like 6,000 pesos.

Oh.

Oh, no, no.

Not my "fall guy" belt buckle.

This is a limited edition. Very nice. Irapido! Yeah, yeah.

Here you go. That's one of a hundred.

Get in. Get in. Okay.

Andy: hello, phone caller.

This is andrew. Andrew botwin.

It pains me we couldn't make this instant human connection.

Leave a message, and while you do it, imagine me listening to it, where I might be at the time, what I might be wearing.

Andy, this is me. Got a little delayed.

I'm on my way now.

I'm thinking you probably don't have cell reception where you are, so you probably won't hear this before I reach you, but it's making me feel better, and it's preventing me from k*lling celia at the moment.

Oh, yes. I forgot to open with that.

Celia hodes is sitting next to me in the car, all the way from agrestic.

How did she get here? I don't know.

But when I hear the unbelievably stupid reason that comes out of her mouth, I'm gonna f*cking k*ll her!

So there may be a dead body in the car when I get there.

That's just a heads-up.

I'll be there soon.

Oh, and your outgoing message is creepy.

Please change it.

I want my tooth back.

You don't get your tooth back.

I keep your tooth.

I drill a tiny hole in it and wear it around my neck.

I become your god.

I can explain.

All right.

Okay.

Explain.

Explain.

What are you doing with that?

Closets don't get towed.

Just need a little ventilation.

Mom doesn't want those in the house.

Mom isn't gonna find out.

Doors stay locked, lenny's gone, and no one talks.

Hey, dude. What's going on?

Teenage rebellion.

f*ck yeah. Stick it to the old people.

What are you doing here? I'm eating cereal.

I mean why are you here in our house, mr. Wilson?

Where's your family?

My family left me, buddy.

My life's a toilet.

These cornflakes, they're old.

My assh*le is on fire. I hate myself.

You happy now?

Whoa. Check this out.

What is it?

It's honey.

Ooh!

That could have lead in it, or asbestos.

You're a f*cking downer.

Mmm. Honey flakes.

Don't you wish you had some?

Inquisitor, ruiner of days, child of the apocalypse.

Um...

Bees.

Wait. Bees bad.

Unh! Unh!

Swarm! It's a swarm!

Celia: and they put a f*cking fire hose through my car and shoved me on a cot and then they pulled me from the rec center, threw me into an interrogation room, and you left me there.

All right, granted, you weren't there, but your people were there, and they lied for you.

And they put me in jail, where I was abused!

And this man gave me a chance.

He is giving both of us a chance here.

All he wants is for us to help him get that guillermo person.

Get out of the car.

I need a second to take all of this in.

Oh, my god.

You put a f*cking g*n in my mouth and you need a moment alone.

Okay, be a bigger person, celia.

Ow!

Andy: ...imagine me listening to it, where I might be at the time, what I might be wearing.

Let that guide you.

Andy...

...it's me.

Uh, I'm back in the desert.

Your cooler's here.

You're not.

I'm sorry I got here late. It wasn't my fault.

Actually, it probably was my fault.

In a grand sense, everything is my fault.

It's all my fault.

Please call.

Oh, this isn't happening!

Nancy?

Nancy?

Nance?

We're gonna figure this out.

It's okay.

It's okay.

I forgive you.

I know this is overwhelming.

I know that you didn't mean to leave me in prison.

Y... You hit that...

Window-button thing by accident.

Nancy.

Aah! Nancy!

Nancy!

Do you believe in reincarnation?

I don't know! I don't know!

I do.

You've proven it to me. You want to know how?

Yes! Yes!

You've made me a believer because there is nothing I have done in this life to accumulate the massive dose of f*cked-up karma you have brought my way, celia!

So now it's all making sense!

Being tested for something I did to you in a previous life because in this life, where I've repeatedly allowed you to f*ck me over a fence!

Whatever I do, you keep coming back.

So...

I accept your forgiveness for my previous crimes, and I want to thank you for bringing me to a more enlightened state of being.

Please don't step on the gas again.

And now, if you so choose, you can get back in the car, sit silently, let me try to figure out how to save our asses on the way to the mall.

Would you like that?

Mm-hmm.

Davenport, iowa.

Mm. Never been there.

Heard it's cold in the winter. You bring a parka?

Big boats. Ocean. Mm?

Uh... Fishermen.

Um... Dorado, marlin, shark.

In davenport?

I'm fairly sure iowa's landlocked.

Tuna, uh... Mahimahi.

Big.

Yeah, well, i, uh...

Nance, hey.

Where the hell are you?

Outlet mall with celia?

Uh... Guess where I am.

In a pudding truck.

I'll tell you about it later. Mm-hmm.

Um, you're breaking up.

You're breaking up!

Ah! Sorry.

Okay, there. Got it.

Oh, good.

How much is the bus to san francisco?

From san diego? $83.

$83 Is 1,500 lempira.

Oh, lempira? You're honduran?

Sí. Yoro.

Yoro?

I love yoro. I went to the festival de la...

Lluvia de peces.

Yeah!

It actually rains fish! It actually rains fish!

It cost me 16,000 to get here from yoro.

Coyote said it was only going to be 10,000.

He ke... He keeps raising the price.

That's not fair.

I mean, a verbal contract is still a contract.

One old lady was too slow.

He left her to die.

He charged us for water.

He broke that guy's arm, stole his necklace.

We're cargo.

We're... Pudding.

No man is pudding.

Whoa! Aaah!

Uh, mr. Wilson, we could use your help out here.

Doug: yeah, I got some problems in here.

What's the matter?

Very allergic to bees.

Face very swollen.

It's not worth it.

Hey, I got customers.

I'll cut you in.

50%. 5%.

15%. And I'm the sprayer.

Fine.

On three.

One... Two...

Three.

Aah!

Aaaah!

Aah! Ahh!

So, captain roy till...

You promised you wouldn't talk.

Stay right here where I can see you.

Can you ask that guillermo when I can get pam's car back?

'Cause...

Try not to look homeless.

How's the day?

I've had worse.

Uh, I had a long talk with my... Associate.

Associate?

Damn. You already keep too many secrets from me... Tortillera.

Lesbiana.

That's your girl outside, isn't it?

Celia?

Chewie took that camera over to rite aid.

Must have thought you were f*cking around on her.

Following you everywhere.

Um... Yeah.

She has trust issues.

Man, I've seen b*tches like her.

Crazy stalker b*tches.

Got her on a leash now.

Um, this is yours.

So, this is the front room.

Window displays.

Back here, you got two dressing rooms so the ladies have some privacy.

This is the back room.

There's a bathroom, file cabinets.

We'll get you a safe in there before you open.

So this is a front... Where you launder money.

It's a maternity store.

We sell comfort and fashion to pregnant women.

What am I not getting?

This is your new job.

You work here.

We're making you manager.

How am I gonna make runs if I'm running a store?

You don't. We need your face here.

Uh, I don't want to work retail.

I want to traffic.

I got a family to support.

I put them through hell. I owe them.

I-i've got to make a k*lling, all right?

So write it down.

Write down how much you want to make this year.

Just write it?

Yep.

Ask for more.

Really?

I got to take it to the man above.

I only take it once.

No runs, no dealing, no more dr*gs.

You got to be clean, professional.

Hire a staff... People you can trust.

That's very important.

I need this place up and running in a week.

"Blanca."

Uh, I'm extremely, wildly confused.

You're gonna give me all that money to manage the san ysidro maternity world?

I am.

But your... Your gap-toothed girlfriend out there, she makes minimum wage.

Mira, cabrona. Aah!

Whoa, hombre! Not cool! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

¿Qué? ¿Qué? ¿Qué?

¿Qué vas a hacer, cabrón?

sh*t. That's not a clean Kn*fe.

Okay, yeah. It's a g*n, all right.

Whoa! Let's all just mellow out.

Aaah!

Oh, my god! I sh*t you!

Oh-ho-ho!

Oh, my god! I sh*t you in the knee!

I didn't know that I could sh**t someone in the knee.

That's so random.

And yet brutal and life-changing.

I'm sorry, man.

Get the $6 that he took from me.

It's just you were coming at me and you're such an assh*le!

Davenport, iowa?

Yeah, yeah. Davenport.

Yeah, we're gonna get you there.

And marzipan. You're both coming with me.

Vente, vámonos.

Who's the fall guy now, coyote ugly?

I just said that.

Did you guys hear that? I totally said that.

So...

We've had a trying couple of weeks.

We lost our homes.

A bubbie.

But we have this food...

And this lovely roof over our heads, recent bee infestation excluded, which my father-in-law has offered up at a ridiculously inflated price.

I've had a particularly challenging last 24 hours.

But...

But in the drive-through at popeyes, I found myself saying, "family combo, please,"

And it was a moment of clarity.

What I mean to say is, I was thinking of you today...

Of all of you.

Andy, I think in the past, I've dismissed you as being the kind of guy you couldn't really count on.

And I was wrong.

You've been a rock for this family.

We need you.

Andy's friends, I'd like to welcome you to our country.

I hope you get to stay.

Keep a low profile. Blend.

Shane, I've been unavailable to you, and that's rotten.

I will be more present.

Silas, you've taken on more responsibility in a time of upheaval, and it's been admirable.

We still need to talk about the g.e.d.

Doug, I'm sorry you and dana are having problems, but you need to find a place of your own to live, and you need to seek medical attention.

And, finally, maybe, um... Possibly...

Wow.

I think I owe an apology to the woman sitting to my right.

I left her holding a very big bag.

It was not my finest hour. I'm sorry, celia.

All of us are sorry!

Sorry, celia. Sorry, ms. Hodes.

Lo siento. Lo siento.

So, she's going to be staying with us.

We will treat her as family.

You can sleep in my room tonight, celia.

Not in the bed. There's a nice couch.

So now, with that, let us enjoy the wonderful dessert our new friend, reyna, has provided.

Pigs.

Pigs.

Cheers.

What about till?

Captain till.

The widow scottson.

Or is it botwin?

You need to back off... Off of celia.

Off permanently.

And why would I do that?

Because you have a kind heart.

That's a good one. I like that.

"Kind heart."

Okay, sure. Why the hell not?

You cop for the grow house, deliver me guillermo garcia gomez, the councilwoman walks.

I got a better deal for you.

You can give me three more inches on my d*ck?

You can listen and pretend to be a gentleman.

I can play pretend.

You let me buy you a round, you enjoy drinking it, you remember that the grow house b*rned down in the fire and you have no physical evidence, you forget celia, you forget me, you finish your drink, and you go home.

Gomez. Guillermo garcia gomez.

I don't know any gomez.

If I did once, I don't anymore.

Not what I hear.

In fact...

I'd say other than celia, the one person you and I have in common that I do know is peter scottson, and I knew him very well.

Old f*cking news.

Not that old.

We did a good job burying pete.

Did you?

You look angry.

Captain till, I didn't come here to make you angry.

I came here to thank you.

You backed me into a corner, and it worked.

I got out.

Should have done it a long time ago.

I never made a lot of money at it.

The few times I did, I got greedy, found a way to lose it.

Got in with the wrong people, endangered my family.

I was a bad drug dealer. I know it now.

I'm trying something new.

Let me guess.

Feeding the homeless?

Nursing aids babies?

Still too selfish for that.

No, captain till.

I got what the world would call a normal, boring job.

I wake up in the morning, get dressed, drive myself to work, put on a name tag, take my brain out of my skull, and place it in a drawer.

I spend the next nine hours smiling at people, pretending to be interested in their happiness, tolerating the company of my co-workers, staring at the clock.

At the end of the day, I take my name tag off, open the drawer, reach for my brain, plop it back inside, walk to the employee parking lot, drive myself home.

And it's really, really, really boring.

It looks like I'm gonna be doing it for a long, long time.

Jesus!

Man: iabre!

What the "f"?