04x11 - Head Cheese

[bunniefuu]

Previously on "weeds"...

What are these? Snacks.

Heavy snacks.

This is my cousin amparo. Hola.

What's wrong? Migraine.

You got too much stress now. This will unwind it.

Ayahuasca's like 30 years of psychotherapy in one night.

The plant teaches you what you need to learn.

You know. No more hiding. No more hiding.

She's pretty much losing her sh*t.

The clock strikes 18, and I'm done.

Hey, there. Do you party?

They really want to have sex. Then go do it.

This is the woman your depressed amigo searches for? That's the one.

We will help the sad, tall, angry, baby man find her.

You're as beautiful as I remember.

You take too many dr*gs.

Isabel: mostly xanax and coke.

You need to keep better care of yourself.

Cocaine?

Coca.

If you don't deal with this, I will call your mother.

I lie to myself all the time.

I make compromises.

I tell myself I'm not doing harm when I am.

I so am.

Do you see her?

There's no one there.

Of course not.

Simone: these pop-tarts are good.

Are these pop-tarts sugar-free?

The regular pop-tarts aren't.

I don't think they make sugar-free pop-tarts.

I'm not allowed to have these, then.

My mom doesn't let me have these.

Then this is a really big day for you.

So, neither of your parents has a problem with your sleeping at some boy's house they've never met?

They're totally cool with it.

How bohemian.

No, they're american.

I'd like to hear more about this science project.

It's sort of like an experiment.

Mm.

Biology.

You could say that.

Fascinating.

Reproduction... Disease.

I assume the presentation you three are working on will deal with those things, in addition to volcanoes and wind.

Where were you last night?

Oh.

I'm an adult, shane.

You're a child.

What happened here last night?

Got to go. Bye, shane.

What was that?

D-did you have sex?

I'm 13 years old.

Exactly. You're 13 years old.

They're 13 years old.

They're in my grade. That's too early, shane.

You're too...

Oh, f*ck you, judah!

I can handle it.

Well, I can't.

And I don't want you seeing either of those scary, little sluts again.

Quit pretending to be a mom.

Good morning.

You okay?

No! I'm not okay! Do I look okay?!

How did this happen? What did I do?

You had boys.

Morning, señorita.

Señor doug?

¿Dónde?

Is this your house?

This is my place, babe.

You passed out in the van, and I carried you up, like a bride.

I tried waking you for a little nooky, but you sleep like a corpse.

What's wrong?

Nothing. I just... I can't believe you're really here.

You are so totally beautiful.

You are very kind.

I'm kind, and you're pretty.

Together, we're kind and pretty and nice and beautiful.

Señor doug? W-what are you doing?

I want to make the sexo with you, baby.

But we do not know each other.

So, let's get down to it.

I am not some piruja. We must take time.

You must win my affection.

Okay, okay. I hear you.

Get to know each other, win your heart.

Sí.

Thank you.

Can I just see one boob?

The next two weeks of your life are going to be some of the most difficult you have ever faced.

All the pain that you've been numbing for years with your substance addiction will hit you at once, and it will be excruciating.

But know this... You're not alone.

The people next to you will become your best friends.

So get ready everyone...

Because you are all about to go through hell together.

Give it up! Let's go to hell!

Why is this locked?

We're closed.

Who told you we were closed?

The sexy, scary, beardy one.

Don't you think it's a little conspicuous if the whole mall is having a sale but we're closed?

I do what I'm told by men with semiautomatic weapons.

I'm a total bottom that way.

You look tired. Love tired?

Sex tired?

Tired tired. I'm just tired.

So, what's the haps in here?

Ah, look.

The crates again.

Yes.

The crates from america going into mexico.

You look tired.

What's in the crates, ignacio?

Maybe you should go and lay down.

I'm just gonna take a little peek.

No. 'Cause if I peek...

I'll sh**t you.

You're not gonna sh**t me. It's my job.

It's your job to thr*aten to sh**t me, not to actually sh**t me.

Whoops.

Oh, that's not pot.

Guillermo.

Sanjay: nancy?

Everything's fine, sanjay. Go back to your book.

Okay. What the f*ck?

Exactly. What the f*ck?

This is supposed to be a pot tunnel.

I know you ain't as slow you're acting.

It's a tunnel.

There's no magical "weed only" sign at the entrance.

Cut the sh*t.

When did the floodgates open?

When the water got here.

Oh, god.

Head cheese sandwich.

Six inch or foot long? Foot long all the way, bro.

Enjoy. You know it.

Head cheese sandwich, please.

Six inch or foot long? Six inch.

Um, hey, there's no meat anywhere in there, right?

'Cause if meat even touches the weed, I can't smoke it.

I'm vegan.

No worries.

Lisa: that's $240.

Whoa. Bargain.

Um, $240. I gave you a $5.

Yeah, you ordered the head cheese sandwich?

I did. Everybody seems to like them.

You... You may actually have gotten the wrong sandwich.

Oh, let me check.

Oh, yeah. I gave you the wrong sandwich.

My bad. And we just ran out of bread.

You got a stack of sandwiches right there.

Uh, those were preordered.

What's going on here?

Sir, you're too fat.

You fattist.

I'm gonna write you up on chowhound.

Your mom's a rude bitch.

Nice save, mom.

Celia, we're waiting for your promise partner, barry.

Any idea where he is?

Um, I saw him at breakfast.

What?

Oh, right.

"I'm responsible for him, "and he's responsible for me 'cause I can't do this... Alone.

I do this as a we."

So that means...

I'll be right back.

Barry? Hey, promise partner.

What are you... Doing?

Where did you get that?

17 Years as a commercial pilot.

I think I know how to sneak sh*t past security.

And I can't take these places sober, you know?

Therapy, bonding, all the f*cking yapping.

Hey, this ain't my first time at the fair, okay?

I've been to betty ford, cottonwood, new days, fresh start in albuquerque.

That place is like a whorehouse.

18-Hour layovers in bangkok are nothing compared to the saunas at fresh start.

You're a pilot? Do you... Fly like this?

Coked to the gills.

You don't want to fly with me when I'm sober.

I crash, we all crash.

Hey, remember the Tr*mp shuttle?

That was my first gig, right? I couldn't afford blow.

f*cking nodoz and dexatrim. That is no way to live.

I love the moment right before, you know, when you're still looking at it.

I love the moment when it goes up your nose and you feel f*cking awesome.

Here.

No. No.

Mnh-mnh.

I gonna help you.

Barry, I am your partner.

We can do this.

Clean and sober.

Come on.

f*ck off!

Hey, I was gonna share this with you.

Now you're bumming me out. Give me the straw.

Give it to me!

Hey, that's my... I-i snuck this in up my ass, okay?

Give it to me! Give it to me! No.

You can't!

She was f*cking forcing me to snort coke!

Uh, you got to help me.

It's bullshit.

I spent 25 years with a woman who didn't put out.

I deserve some.

It's been one day.

And a half. Right.

I don't know what to do.

I mean, it's been forever since I had to court a chick.

And let's face it... Getting laid in the '70s was easy.

I drove a camaro.

Oh, man, I wish I grew up then.

I got totally shafted... f*cking aids.

Ruined everyone's fun.

I thought you got laid all the time.

Yeah, but I had to use condoms.

Andy, I smuggled her here.

I think that merits some cockamole on her faceadilla.

Possibly.

But what do you really know about her?

Not much. Maybe I should buy her some scented body wash.

Look, she's probably scared.

I mean, she's totally out of her element.

Make her feel comfortable.

How do I do that? You talk to her.

Okay. All right. Talk to her. About what?

About anything.

On the way over here, we had great talks.

She grew up in an orphanage. Start there.

She's an orphan? Yeah.

Sweet. Daddy issues.

Age difference should work in my favor.

Asta luego. Thanks.

Finding god?

God finds me.

Hmm. You don't look well.

No. I'm not well.

That ayahuasca really f*cked me up.

You, however, look fantastic.

I have a charity function.

But my love says we need to talk...

So charity waits.

W...

What's coming through the tunnel?

What comes through the tunnel?

I am told by the people I work with, the people you work with, that boxes come through that tunnel.

Right.

Weed, heroin, cocaine, g*ns.

Stop me if I make a mistake.

Boxes. Girls.

No. No girls.

There was a girl. Guillermo brought her in.

He said she was his cousin.

I don't get into details. I really don't.

There are g*ns coming through the tunnel into your city.

Where are they going?

They go to the people who want them.

And you're okay with that?

It's how I build schools, hospitals.

It's how you provide for your family.

Yeah.

She wasn't guillermo's cousin.

Charity calls.

It's not enough... Your charity.

Go home, nancy.

Get some sleep.

Eat with your children, take a walk by the water.

Nothing is ever enough.

But we live... And we try.

Got a proposition for you.

Can it wait till after my bath?

Guess not.

The cheese shop is really taking off.

Well, people love cheese.

People love my weed.

The proposition?

I'm getting to it.

Okay, get to it faster.

Okay.

The problem is space. I need more space.

You and me both.

Secure space where people can't wander in.

Larger, safer, away from where I sell, right?

Right.

Okay. So, here it is.

We're partners. You stake me.

I find a place to grow.

Been there. Done that.

f*cked it up. Twice.

We don't have to make the same mistakes this time.

We've learned.

We've learned to not do it anymore.

Lisa told me you would say no.

Let me think about it.

That's all I'm asking.

Good. That's all I'm doing.

What was it like?

Confusing. Brisk. Messy.

I don't know. My mom hit me.

You told your mom? Have I taught you nothing?

You tell her what she wants to hear, and then you do what you want.

How's your mom doing in rehab?

Fine, I guess.

I can't visit till she's detoxed.

Where did she get the coke?

Probably the maternity front.

What? You're kidding, right?

No.

My mom was in jail, and then suddenly she's free and working for your mom.

Retail?

You think my mom's dealing cocaine?

I think they're both dealing.

But your mom's a control freak, and mine's weak and addiction-prone.

Good times, huh?

How great would it be if we were both 18?

So, you gonna dump them?

Why?

'Cause the slap-happy drug dealer told me to?

Screw that.

Simone, harmony, this is izzy.

Does she party? Does she party?

Depends on the party.

Are you sure there is no border patrol here?

Well, as long as you don't walk out of the surf with 10 other wet mexicans, you'll be fine.

So, andy tells me you grew up in an orphanage.

I-i prefer not to talk about it.

Oh. Then what should we talk about?

We should, uh, talk about you.

Well, I grew up in the valley.

I married my high-school sweetheart, and it didn't really work out.

Divorced?

No. Not yet. You're married?

Just technically. Got to sign the papers.

Well, why do you not sign them?

I'm on the run. But it's... It's nothing.

It's just a little embezzlement.

You steal?!

Borrow. I was gonna pay it back.

When?

Someday.

Hey, what the heck? You wrecked our castle.

It wasn't a castle. It was a... Lump of sand.

You're a bad man.

You're a... Bad castle builder.

Little sh*t.

You do not like children?

I like my four. Well, three of them.

You have four children? Mm-hmm.

When do you see them?

When I can trust they won't tell my c**t ex-wife where I am.

What's the matter?

Oh, I am... I am not feeling so well.

Perhaps we should stop talking.

Okay. I'm cool with that.

Let the silence bring us closer.

Yeah, I can dig it.

I was weak. I was dishonest.

I-i let the plane fly me.

If it wasn't for celia hodes, I'd be back in the air in 30 days snorting lines off the dashboard and jamming blow up my urethra so I could f*ck paula, the 57-year-old flight attendant.

I want to apologize to you, celia.

Thank you, barry, for your share.

Wow.

We're all like one big, wonderful, dysfunctional family, and I love you guys.

We're all working through it together.

I mean, I never really had a family.

I mean, I have a family, but they're not like you guys.

Celia, can we borrow you for just a minute?

Yeah. Sure.

Celia, hurry back, okay? 'Cause I need you.

Everybody needs you.

Rhoda: we ran your insurance info a few times, and it's not exactly accurate.

What seems to be the problem?

You don't have any.

The policy number you gave us belongs to an individual who is deceased...

...and korean.

Listen, this is going really well.

And i-i'm only on my second step.

I am so proud of me.

We're proud, too.

We have no intention of abandoning you.

Our sister facility across town has a bed available, and they're holding it just for you.

No, I belong here. Barry needs me.

Don't you have a work program?

I could do dishes, landscaping.

I'm sorry, celia.

What we pay our help in a year won't cover a week here.

Discharge paperwork is in the folder.

I'll need your signature on all pages, and you can drop it at the front desk on your way out.

Best of luck with your recovery.

We're going to need your room vacant within the hour.

Hola, maria.

Hola. Doug around?

He go to buy some mouthwash, some toilet paper, and some tweezers.

Oh, cool. Right.

So, how's it going... Things with doug?

Oh. Eh, okay.

Just okay?

No.

He is a terrible man.

What? Doug?

Come on. He's a great guy.

He is a criminal.

He's an accountant.

A thief who has abandoned his wife and family and wants to make me his whore.

A cpa with legal problems who's going through a divorce and is wildly in love with you.

He has warts on his genitals.

Yeah, I got nothing for that.

Please, andy, help me.

These are for you, my love.

Oh, maria. Look how thoughtful he is.

This is a good man.

Yeah, over there.

Bust it open. I could use the hand lotion.

Here you go. Something to put in the piñata.

You say $20 each.

I say $20 total.

Don't pull that mexican sh*t with me.

Look, honey.

I got us a bed.

That's when I took that cr*ck pipe, broke it off, stuck it in his neck.

Said, "I'm not using this except to k*ll you, m*therf*cker.

Like half a rock is worth getting f*cked with a mannequin leg, shoe still on it?

f*ck that. Anyway, that's all I got for now.

Thanks for listening.

Chilea?

Celia.

Oh, ain't we fancy.

You're gonna have to take that f*cking attitude out the door right now, you hear me?

We don't play that sh*t in here.

I'm gonna have that f*cking combination changed.

I'm just putting money in the safe.

Yeah, well, then do it.

More cousins?

Yeah, that's right.

Are you girls okay?

I'm not seeing this.

You're catching on.

About f*cking time. Day's over.

Go home.

Thank you for coming.

I know you're busy.

Guillermo...

Garcia... Gomez.