In a city where cynicism
is as prevalent as pashmina,
there is nothing more hopeful than
the getting ready for the first date routine.
Will O'Connor was a cute urban planner,
Miranda had met at Starbucks.
He mistook her latte for his double-caff
and offered to make it up
by buying her a drink that Saturday.
Samantha preferred to say "good night"
to the first date routine.
His name was Sebastian Wise.
For Sam, it was a very good night.
Meanwhile, Trey and Charlotte
were practising their new routine.
All righty.
- Someone's got the sails up.
- Yes, I can feel it.
All righty, I'm bringing it into the harbour.
Bring it in.
All right. Here I come.
Come.
Honey?
The wind d*ed. I'm sorry.
After a week of the same routine,
the only thing getting up
in their bed was Charlotte's libido.
As for me, my routine
had become very routine.
I was spending almost every night working.
My date is three hours late.
I'm being stood up, right?
- Maybe he got lost.
- Carrie.
Doesn't look good.
And I'm wearing a new dress.
And I'm eating out of plastic.
I'm sorry.
The least he could do is
get to know me before he rejects me.
Yeah, that's illegal dumping.
It's crazy. This hasn't happened
to me since I'm 27.
I'm older, I should know better. I thought
I'd got smarter about picking them now.
I can't believe guys still stand girls up.
I can't believe I'm eating a frozen dinner.
I'm such a clich?.
Do you wanna grab a drink?
I can't. I have to work.
I agreed to teach
these stupid Learning Annex classes.
They're calling it "Bright Lights Date City".
- I'm so embarrassed for you.
- They're paying 300 bucks a pop.
It's a seminar on where to meet men.
Apparently, I'm an expert.
- Tell them to steer clear of Starbucks.
- Who would pay for this?
Now? Maybe me.
OK, gotta go.
This dress is making a mockery of me.
- I'm sorry, sweetie. Bye.
- Please. Bye.
Stood up at 27, Miranda had done nothing.
At 34, she decided she wasn't going
to take this stand-up lying down.
Will may have given her the cold shoulder,
but also his home number.
- Hello?
- Hi. Is Will there?
- Who's speaking, please?
- Miranda Hobbes.
Miranda, this is Will's mother.
Well, Will's mother.
I don't know how you raised your son,
but he just stood me up for a date.
Will d*ed today.
They're starting to die on us.
- At least you weren't stood up.
- 35 and they're dying.
- We should give up now.
- It could explain why they don't call back.
- How did he...
- Heart att*ck at the gym.
- This is why I don't work out.
- Do you wanna hear the worst part?
I felt so bad, I told his mother
I would go to the wake.
- You don't even know him.
- And she never will.
I'm far from being dead.
I got us reservations at Samba next week.
- Fancy.
- I could only get us a four-top.
Do you think
Trey would mind staying home?
No. He doesn't seem up for
much these days.
Charlotte, is everything OK?
We've been trying to...
f*ck?
Whatever. It's just not...
- Getting big and hard?
- Is this dirty mad libs?
I love him, and he's trying,
but this is so frustrating.
- Of course it is.
- Last night I got so turned on, I almost...
You almost masturbated, he almost
got it up, together you almost had sex.
- Next to my husband. I feel so ashamed.
- Everybody masturbates.
- I did it this morning.
- That's why I got your voicemail.
He masturbates and reads p*rn.
When it comes to dealing with me, nothing.
- Madonna whore.
- You think?
Trey sees you as his virginal wife,
not a sexual plaything.
You're not going to get anywhere
until you change how he sees you.
- I don't know if I can do that.
- Yes, you can.
You're sexy. He should see you.
You're something to see.
The next night, I realised how many
desperate New York women there were.
I'm flattered that so many of you
showed up to hear me talk.
The fact is,
I have had a lot of experience with men.
Some of it good,
some of it bad, some of it very ugly.
There are
two million single men in this city.
I have dated about a million of them.
All these men are right outside your door.
The next time you step out with your shoes
and your travelling cappuccino,
take a look around.
Our little metropolis is stacked with men.
You never know who you'll run into.
You can turn a corner,
and boom - bright lights, date city.
Could you be more specific?
Do you mean places to meet men?
Sure.
Let's see. Samba.
Any sporting...
Sports bars - Mickey Mantle's.
I've gone there. All the men were married.
Really?
Let's see. I once met this fellow
on the Hampton Jitney.
It turned out he couldn't drive,
and he was on a parole programme.
That's a bad example.
Suddenly, I felt like the bad example.
Yes, you.
- Are you married?
- No.
Yes, you there.
- Have you ever been married?
- No, not that I'm aware of.
Yes, you in the back.
How old are you?
I'm really not an expert on men.
I just write about this stuff.
Then why are we paying
to hear you talk about it?
Be quiet.
She's older than us.
We can learn something.
The only thing I learned that night was
that maybe I should have stayed home.
- Can I smoke in here?
- No.
If you stay single long enough,
you're supposed to get wiser about dating.
What men to pick, where to meet them...
But what made us experts?
Wasn't our single status
a neon sign that we couldn't get it right?
What if all these years have only
made us older, more confused or dead?
Are we getting wiser or just older?
If they'd been holding tomatoes
instead of Louis Vuitton bags, I'd be dead.
- Or at least gazpacho.
- Do you know there are no available men?
We're at my date's wake, so yes.
- They were so hostile.
- f*ck 'em.
What do I know about men.
All I have is a bunch of failed relationships.
- And one affair.
- Thanks.
As if being dead person adjacent
isn't bad enough.
I'm supposed to teach another class.
What am I going to do?
Hire a bodyguard.
This is my first wake.
Don't expect a goodie bag.
Oh, my God, open casket.
I've never seen a dead body before.
- Let's get out of here.
- We can't. People are looking at us.
He's cute.
Was.
Damn.
This would have helped me.
A place to meet men: an after wake party.
- He had money set aside for this.
- It's nice.
- I'm dead, you're not. Enjoy the buffet.
- I like him even more now.
- He was organised enough to have a will.
- And attractive friends.
- This place is full of men.
- Look how freaked out they look.
They know any minute they're out of here.
Carrie?
It's me, Jim.
Oh, my God.
Jim.
- Your hair.
- I cut it for a real job. I'm an engineer now.
- On the railroad?
- Civil.
- What happened to the band?
- Turns out I wasn't talented.
Miranda, sorry, this is Jim.
- We dated a grillion years ago.
- Or eight.
Miranda. Nice to meet you.
I'd ask if you're having fun,
but that seems inappropriate.
It is, and we are. Thanks.
- You were friends with Will?
- May he rest.
Roommates in college.
We were friends, but really competitive.
We were always
fighting it out for everything.
He even d*ed first,
just to b*at me to the punch.
- Bad.
- But you laughed.
- You were the classic frenemies.
- Frenemies. Nice word.
- I'm a writer.
- I know.
- I'm a lawyer.
- And I'm not drunk enough.
- Can I get you anything?
- Martini.
- No.
- Don't go anywhere. I'll be back.
He's kind of cute.
- He's kind of an assh*le.
- Really?
- Yes, indeedy.
- He seems great.
That's what I thought when I dated him.
When it wasn't working,
and I broke up with him - Hello, assh*le.
Snide comments,
rumour spreading, the works.
He's so cute.
- Incoming.
- Outgoing.
- Here you go.
- Thanks.
I would love to chat inappropriately,
but I'm giving a toast in the other room.
So this is a working wake for you.
I'd love to get together with you sometime.
Here's my card. My e-mail address
is on the back, and my cell.
Will's death had turned Miranda
into my target audience -
a desperate woman.
Downtown, Samantha was getting wise,
Sebastian Wise, again.
While, uptown,
Charlotte was getting nothing at all.
- We almost broke the bed.
- You can't break a bed.
- What does this stallion do?
- I'm not sure.
- Does he go to Mickey Mantle's?
- You got me.
How can you not know?
You slept with him.
I f*cked him. He made me come six times.
It's good enough for me.
Stop it.
Why do you always
talk about sex like that?
Because I can.
Simmer down,
mommy hasn't had her caffeine yet.
I can't take this any more.
Frittata.
Sex is something special that happens
between two people who love each other.
- Or two people who love sex.
- You're such a...
A what? What am I?
You can't just sleep
with everything that comes along.
Hey, Mrs Softie, at least I'm getting laid.
You can forget Samba.
She needs a stick out of her ass
and a d*ck in her coochie pronto.
- Not getting involved.
- I'm with her.
You know what? I don't need this.
Maybe you should forget Samba too.
- We knew this was coming.
- It's so sad and petty.
- I'm staying way out of this one.
- Way out. New Jersey out.
Speaking of petty, how upset would you be
if I went out with Jim?
- Jim, Old Boyfriend Jim?
- He called me.
Miranda, no.
He needs to be voted off the island.
I know how you feel,
but he was so sweet on the phone.
It was eight years ago.
Maybe he's learned something.
- Haven't you learned anything?
- Apparently not.
He's alive, and he asked me out.
I'm fragile right now.
Fine, go.
One woman's assh*le
is another woman's...
A-hole.
As long as you're OK with it.
Later that week,
Charlotte decided,
if she was to get Trey to see the sexual
part of her, she'd have to dress the part.
I'm going to get him to notice me. I have to.
That's a bottom.
If you're going to go the lingerie route,
why not go a little more
upscale and less flammable?
I don't wanna be me.
I wanna be someone else.
- That's the basis for a healthy relationship.
- What do these say?
Read my lips.
I want to be call girl-meets-Park-Avenue.
Then you have to pair that with a cardigan.
This is important to me.
I need him to see me sexually.
I know you do. I'm just not sure I need to.
This is much more a Samantha job.
Please. I need a break from her.
You shouldn't be so hard on her.
She doesn't mean to be hurtful.
She was.
There were two of you
ruining my breakfast.
I have enough problems right now.
I don't need any lectures.
It was my second lecture that week
that was a failure.
Across town, Samantha decided,
the wise thing to do was
to take a break from all of us
and go shopping.
- I'm sorry.
- Let it go, no one gets hurt.
- I was holding it first.
- I know Tae Kwon Do.
I know the manager.
You're spunky. I like spunky women.
- We're a dying breed.
- No kiddin'.
I'm Claire Anne.
Don't let the southern accent fool you.
I'm Samantha. Nothing fools me.
I'll let you have this scarf
if you show me where a girl can
have a drink in a dark bar around here.
Done and done.
My last date d*ed. The fact that you're
still breathing makes this a success.
Low standards. I like that.
- This was really nice.
- Yeah, it was.
Carrie wasn't sure that we would get along.
She knew me a long time ago.
I've changed.
Back then, I was in a band
called Uncle Ted's Ass.
- And I could sit on my hair.
- That's impressive.
You didn't hear us play.
- I'd like to see you again.
- I'd like that.
- Night.
- Night.
The next morning, Miranda called with
the post mortem on her last date with Jim.
- Hello?
- It's me.
I thought it was the Learning Annex
bugging me about my class.
- When's that?
- 12th of Never Gonna Happen.
People asked for refunds
after my first class.
- What do they know?
- More than I do.
I feel like a total sham.
Easy. That's my friend
you're talking about.
- I went out with Jim.
- Don't make me say, "I told you so."
It was great. He was fun and romantic.
We talked till they closed the restaurant.
You're wrong about him.
- This could be good.
- Are we talking about assh*le Jim?
- He's not an assh*le.
- Not till you break up with him.
- He says the greatest things about you.
- He does?
- I'm going out with him again on Friday.
- Go, God's speed.
I feel weird dating a guy that you don't like.
We should all go out
have a drink sometime. One drink.
What do you know about this guy?
You've been on one date.
What do you know? It's been eight years.
Think about the drink.
Charlotte decided, this would be
a good time to spend with her old friends,
the sisters of Kappa Kappa Gamma.
Oh, my Goodness.
Has it been forever or what?
- It has.
- It's great to see you. We've missed you.
And I have missed you. You have no idea.
Congratulations on your wedding.
Welcome to the married old girls club.
He is so handsome.
I would like to trade
my husband in for him, please.
They would understand her.
After all, they were married too.
I remember being a newly-wed.
We hardly ever got out of bed.
- Sydney.
- What? It's just us girls.
My husband can't get it up.
It would have been wiser to have had
a cappuccino instead of that third martini.
- I'm so frustrated.
- Charlotte?
Don't you ever
just want to be pounded hard?
Like when the bed is moving all around,
and it's all sweaty,
your head is knocking up against the
headboard, and you feel it might blow off?
Dammit, I just really want to be f*cked.
Just really f*cked.
The only heads blowing off
were those of Kappa Kappa Grandma.
- This is really inappropriate.
- Yeah, we're eating.
- What's wrong with you? You're such a...
- What? What am I?
Charlotte realised how much
they'd all changed since college.
Her friends had become frenemies.
And to them, she had become Samantha.
- Here's to new friends.
- And gorgeous New York men.
Would you like to join me
at Samba on Friday night?
Two hot broads at a hot restaurant.
I love it.
The reservation is for four.
Done and done.
Samantha couldn't believe
how much fun she was having.
She had found a woman who was
as open about her sexuality as she was.
I call the blondes.
You are too cute.
I could just eat you up.
Yes, I could.
I'm gonna eat you up.
Claire Anne?
- Oh, my God.
- Excellent.
I'm going.
Wait I'll come with you.
- You can forget Samba.
- Where are you going?
Samantha learned
she had a little Charlotte in her.
She too had a line that could be crossed.
Hers was just more to the left.
The next night, I agreed
to meet Jim and Miranda for drinks.
Jim took me to a poetry reading last night.
The Unpublished Works
Of Robert Lowell.
- He wrote his thesis on Lowell.
- I didn't know that.
There's a lot you never knew about me.
Another Chardonnay for the beautiful lady.
Thank you.
I lost track of you,
but I always read your column.
- It's really good.
- Thank you.
Maybe I'd been wrong.
Jim seemed kind, funny, attentive.
- There's a lot of sex in there.
- It creeps in.
You didn't know too much about sex
when we were dating.
Still an assh*le.
- Good to see you.
- Don't leave.
I was joking. Stay.
I have really bad timing.
- Did you ever hear his band play?
- No.
- She was too busy shopping for shoes.
- I do like my shoes.
They come in handy
when you're walking all over people.
- Come on.
- I'm reliving happy memories.
- Carrie doesn't walk all over people.
- She did with me.
Maybe that's because you're an assh*le.
She's the assh*le. She never called me
once after we broke up.
- That's because you're an assh*le.
- She's the assh*le.
- She's not.
- Thank you.
You know what? Never call me again.
- Are you breaking up with me?
- Yeah.
The fancy lawyer lady
is breaking up with me, like I give a sh*t.
Jim hadn't gotten older or wiser.
Once dumped,
he still dumped on everyone.
You are such assholes.
- OK, say it.
- I told you so.
- What an assh*le.
- I told you so.
Is it bad that it makes you
feel good to say that?
No. I can't believe
I fell for that assh*le.
Your date d*ed. You panicked.
You know me too well.
There are plenty of other asses out there.
- You think?
- I know. And I'm an expert.
You're such an assh*le.
Meanwhile, uptown, the Samantha
in Charlotte was finally ready to come out.
What in God's name are you wearing?
It's supposed to be sexy.
Come on, you're my wife.
That's not you.
Take it off.
Fine.
Look at me.
This is me.
I'm not a madonna, and I'm not a whore.
I'm your wife.
I'm sexual, and I love you.
What are you doing?
I'm touching myself.
I can... I can see that.
Good.
Trey?
I think we have a stiff breeze.
That night,
Trey successfully screwed his wife
for a full minute and a half
before the wind d*ed.
After Charlotte's night of love,
she called the one person she knew
who would appreciate it the most.
Hello?
He f*cked me.
Honey, that's great.
I knew you could do it.
- Thanks.
- Don't forget Samba Friday night.
I'll be there.
Did you come?
Having spent time with their frenemies,
Charlotte and Samantha forgot they were
enemies and went back to being friends.
I realised I had become
my own worst frenemy.
I had let 300 desperate women
and one assh*le convince me
that I didn't know anything.
They were wrong. I was older and wiser.
I decided to keep
my second date with the Learning Annex.
Unfortunately,
my reputation had preceded me.
Is this it?
I'm Carrie Bradshaw.
You've paid good money
to find out how to meet men.
I don't know a lot about it,
but you're not going to
meet them in a Learning Annex class.
So, grab your bags.
Come on, we're not getting any younger.
That's right. Just trying
to give you your money's worth.
I took them around the corner to a bar,
took my $300 and bought them drinks.
Anne, the guy over there
is checking you out.
Twelve o'clock.
Not everybody, just Anne.
- Go and ask him for a light.
- I'm already lit.
Go.
- Hi, got a light?
- Sure.
Oh, yeah. See?
OK, one down, five to go.
- What about him?
- It's cool with me. It's fine.
Excuse me?
Hi, have you met Liz? She works in TV.
- I love TV.
- Something in common.
That night, I made three matches.
I didn't look for myself.
I try not to date while at work.
The old and wise adage is true -
those who can't do, teach.
Those who can't teach, do.
Here's a lifeline.
Go, get him, tiger. Go.
Run like the wind.