Good luck, Charles.
Two months into her marriage,
Charlotte's life seemed to be a bed of roses.
That's what it looked like to an onlooker.
My boys have been playing each other
since prep school.
They're still not tired of it.
Let the girls play.
She's wearing pastels. It's whites only.
We can make an exception this one time.
Your father would roll over in his grave
if he heard you talking like that.
Charlotte hasn't been issued
a copy of the MacDougal house rules.
No, but it's time I got one.
It's next to the bible, on your bed stand.
Funny.
Tradition is a very undervalued virtue.
Marrying a MacDougal is marrying history.
Yes. I guess I better go change.
Charlotte had no interest in hearing
any more about the family history.
Her history with Trey
was depressing enough.
After a few half-baked attempts at
a fulfilling sex life, Trey seemed to give up.
The only place he even tried to score
was on the tennis court.
- Good morning.
- Morning.
Beautiful roses.
Thank you.
I don't know what it is.
I'm strangely drawn to him.
- You know the man can plough.
- He had the most intoxicating scent.
Like sweat mixed with something else,
something sweet yet pungent.
- Manure?
- And these full, sensuous lips.
- Does he water plants in Manhattan?
- I can't be looking at gardeners.
What's the point of being in the suburbs,
if you're not gonna f*ck a gardener?
He was so tanned and muscular.
The sweat ran down from his chest
onto his perfectly defined stomach.
You read Harlequin Romances in high
school, haunts you the rest of your life.
Whatever you do, don't look up.
Oh, my God, did you see
the way she looked at me?
Did you see the look her friend sh*t us?
- Contempt, like I was Pol Pot.
- He's dead.
- She wishes I was.
- Who does she think she is?
Big's wife.
That was awful. I can't believe
that there is a person in New York
who could hate me that much.
Oh, God.
I was so devastated
by Natasha's withering look
that I decided
my only recourse was to go shopping.
I took a wrong turn
looking for the right shoes,
and south of Houston Street
I literally lost my direction.
Excuse me, I know this sounds ridiculous.
Can you tell me
which way is West Broadway?
- Give me your bag.
- What?
Your bag.
- It's a baguette.
- Let me have it.
I couldn't believe it.
15 years in New York,
and when the city was getting safe,
I got mugged.
- Is this for real?
- Your watch and your ring.
Jesus.
- This won't...
- Come on.
- And your Manolo Blahniks.
- What?
- No.
- Give me your Blahniks.
They weren't just after money any more.
They were after fashion.
Please, sir, they're my favourite pair.
I got them half price at a sample sale.
Thanks.
Somebody stop him,
he took my strappy sandals.
Somebody...
Gross!
I've been robbed!
I've been robbed.
He said, "Give me your Blahniks",
which I thought was a joke.
The next thing I know, I'm barefoot
on a sidewalk in the middle of summer.
Is there anything other than the watch,
the bag, the ring, and the shoes?
My dignity.
- God, are you all right?
- I'm fine. Thanks for coming.
- I can't believe he took your shoes.
- I know.
- Probably got trichinosis.
- You only get that from pork.
I'm sure I stepped
on a piece of it somewhere.
Detective Stevens, this is my friend,
my lawyer, Miranda Hobbes.
Nice to meet you.
Any chance of catching this guy?
We hope so.
Maybe you can come with me
and read him his Miranda rights.
- Sorry, that was lame.
- No, it was funny. A little cop humour.
- Are you Irish?
- No. Why?
You have beautiful red hair.
Anybody can be Irish
with the right colourist.
Very funny. A sense of humour,
I like that in a lawyer. It's very rare.
I'll get back to you
as soon as I have something.
- Can I have your card?
- Sure.
- Just in case.
- Sure.
Thanks.
I can't wear these.
I'll call you.
I don't understand.
I get mugged, and you get him?
I guess that's my karma.
He said he'll call.
It doesn't mean he will.
What are you talking about?
The man was smitten with you.
He probably wants free legal advice.
That's generally my karma.
Samantha discovered that her number
had been passed around as well.
This is a message for Sam Jones.
If you're getting this, it's Brian.
I'll see you tomorrow around 10:00.
Can't wait. Later.
Sam, are you there?
This is Rob, Mike's friend.
You don't know me, but I'll be there
tomorrow with some fine party favourites.
- Sam?
- Yes, this is Sam.
- Sam Jones?
- Yes. Who is this?
The Sam Jones who's having
the big party tomorrow night?
Exactly who is this Sam Jones?
And where is this fabulous party?
The next evening,
Miranda had a date with my detective.
I'm having an anxiety att*ck.
The most gorgeous man I've met
is in my living room.
- I can't figure out what to wear.
- Breathe.
Shut your eyes,
and go with your first instinct.
I've been in here for 20 minutes.
By now he thinks I'm a freak.
I'll be right there.
What are you so worked up about?
He's too good-looking for me.
I don't have any outfits that go with Hunk.
Wait. Maybe this is karma.
- You're finally getting what you deserve.
- Right.
Maybe after years of odd men,
the universe is throwing me a bone.
If you're lucky, a boner as well.
- OK, I can do this.
- Now go and have fun.
Tell Detective Stevens,
if he sees a woman
wearing last year's pink Blahnik sandals,
bring her in for questioning immediately.
While I ascribed thoughts about karma
to the fortune cookie school of psychology,
I wondered, does a string of bad dates
equal one good one?
And will treating someone badly
in one relationship ensure
that you'll be treated badly in the next?
Does everything that goes around
come around?
If so, will it come around
to bite you in the ass?
Is there such a thing as
relationship karma?
Later, I accompanied Samantha to a party
thrown by the mysterious Sam Jones.
I can't believe we're going
to the party of a total stranger.
It's not a total stranger,
we do share the same name.
Why are you walking so slow?
I keep waiting for someone
to jump out and steal my bra.
If the guy's a loser, I'll tell him
to stop having his friends call me,
and we'll go for dinner. If not, who knows.
His friend sounded cute.
- How can you tell over the phone?
- I can.
Besides, Washington Square -
very money address.
I feel like there's
some cosmic purpose to all this.
It's too much of a coincidence.
What was the cosmic purpose
of my getting snubbed by Natasha?
If I told you I had a piece of information
about Big and Natasha,
would you consider it a cosmic connection
or a random act of gossip?
I'd have to hear it first.
Natasha left Big. Their marriage is over.
She's back to working for Ralph Lauren.
Oh, my God. Who told you that?
- A little bird I f*cked at Ralph Lauren.
- You waited 15 blocks to tell me that?
I wanted you to have fun.
I can't believe I'm responsible
for breaking up their marriage.
You're not. It probably wouldn't
have worked anyway.
- I don't think I could feel any worse.
- Here we are.
- It's a dorm.
- Look at that, I feel worse.
Do you think
these cute boys are still in college?
Yes.
I'm going to find Sam Jones,
and then we're outta here.
Excuse me. Could you tell me
where I can find Sam Jones?
- Sam Jones?
- Yeah. Who are you?
- Sam Jones.
- Excuse me?
It appears that we have a problem here.
We have the same name,
and I'm getting all your f*cking calls.
If you're getting all my "f*cking" calls,
that explains why I'm still a virgin.
While Samantha was wondering what
message the universe was sending her,
Miranda had no doubt.
This was fun, and I would invite you in,
but you've been in,
and I have a huge day tomorrow,
which isn't to say that I wouldn't like to see
you again. I would, if you'd like to see me...
I'll call you.
She felt like she had
just hit the cosmic jackpot.
Please don't tell anyone we were here.
Some of those boys were cute.
- Some of them were young enough to...
- Don't you dare say it.
- Excuse me, ladies.
- Excuse me, mom.
Cab!
Natasha fell down the stairs,
now I fall down the stairs.
This is an open and shut case
of karmic retribution.
- It was an accident.
- This was not an accident.
Yesterday, I get mugged,
and now I can't even get a taxi - and I can
always get a taxi. My karma is sh*t.
If everything happens for a reason,
why am I getting calls for Sam Jones?
- What's the karmic connection?
- I only know about my own karma.
Maybe I should f*ck that virgin
and give him the great first-time
experience that I never had.
That's not karma,
that's statutory r*pe.
Here, here.
Come on.
What's up?
Meanwhile, across town, Charlotte was
getting a message of her own.
Wake up.
You had a nightmare.
You're all wet.
Later that week, my knee still hurting
from my trip down the stairs,
I decided to take matters
into my own hands.
- Ralph Lauren, Natasha's desk.
- I'd like to speak to Natasha, please.
- It's Carrie Bradshaw calling.
- What's this regarding?
- It's personal.
- Hold.
I didn't know how to tell an assistant
it was of cosmic significance.
- She's in a meeting.
- I'll hold.
I don't mean to be rude,
but you'll be holding forever.
OK then, I'll hold forever.
This wasn't gonna be easy.
I had tough karma to overcome.
The next week,
Charlotte flirted with her own karma.
Where did you get such a green thumb?
Runs in the family.
We're gardeners for three generations.
What a wonderful tradition.
I'm Charlotte, by the way. Trey's wife.
I know. I'm Burt.
These roses are so beautiful.
What kind are they?
A special hybrid of American Beauty.
They're very fragrant.
Charlotte's karma flirted back
in a most unexpected way.
Downtown, Samantha was working out
some karmic issues of her own.
I came over to apologise for all those calls.
Thank you.
Anything else?
I've been waiting
for a woman like you my whole life.
You are the hottest thing I've ever seen.
Oh, Lord. Oh, my Lord!
Here we go.
That was awesome.
Yes, it was.
Sam?
- Yes, Sam?
- I think I love you.
Honey, that wasn't love.
That was sex.
No, ma'am. I...
I love you.
Time to move.
- Do I have to?
- Oh, yes. I've got stuff to do.
Goodbye to the sweetest lips
I've ever kissed.
Bye-bye.
Later, the MacDougals
were enjoying their cocktail hour,
which generally lasted
from 5:00 pm to last man standing.
- I b*at you three sets in a row.
- We didn't finish.
- It was getting dark as you recall.
- Stop bickering.
- Sandwiches, ma'am?
- No.
No, thank you.
I certainly had an interesting day.
I went riding. In the afternoon,
I took a walk around the property
and saw Charlotte kissing the gardener.
Charlotte, you're a MacDougal now.
Samantha discovered that the universe
had sent her many messages.
You have 35 new messages.
It's Sam Jones. Call me.
I can't stop thinking about you.
I have to see you tonight.
It's really important.
Sam, it's Sam. I don't think
I can live without you, OK?
Are you there, babe? I have to see
you tonight. It's really important.
OK, Sam. It's Sam.
Across town, Miranda met
her karmic treasure for dinner.
After ten years,
I made partner two months ago.
Or was it three? I'm losing track.
- Congratulations.
- Thank you.
- Can I get you another drink?
- Another double vodka martini, please.
- And you, sir?
- I'm fine.
- Would you care to order?
- Could we have a minute?
Take your time.
I thought about law school.
I loved Columbo so much as a kid...
Miranda realised that every woman
was staring at her date.
Your friend is the typical case
that I see on the job.
It's not as exciting as you might think.
It's not homicide...
She knew what they were thinking -
what is that attractive man doing with her?
If your friend hadn't lost her shoes,
I wouldn't be here.
There you go.
Thank you.
She drank to feel better about herself.
Six vodka martinis later,
she was feeling pretty damn good.
- You're hot.
- And you're a little drunk.
I'm fine. I'm great.
Hot, hot, hot.
You may be the most beautiful man
that I've ever been with.
You're not bad yourself.
I'm no Mena Suvari,
but I'm great in bed.
When Trey didn't come to bed that night,
Charlotte went looking for him.
- What are you doing out here?
- lmproving my serve.
Stop. You're upset,
and what I did was so wrong.
- I'm sorry.
- What can I say?
I'm unable to meet your needs,
so from time to time,
as much as I detest it,
I'm going to have to look the other way.
I don't want a husband
who looks the other way.
I want a husband who makes me
not want to kiss the gardener.
No marriage is perfect.
So much of what we have is wonderful.
We can have separate lives
and still be together.
It's totally acceptable.
As Charlotte looked at her perfect husband
at their family's perfect country house,
she realised,
the one thing that was missing
was that perfect connection
with an imperfect person.
When we get back to the city,
I think we should separate for a while.
All righty.
Seven unreturned phone calls,
and still no response from Natasha.
The Buddhists believe you pay for
what you do wrong in this life in the next.
I knew what I'd done. I just didn't think
I could wait a lifetime to be forgiven.
The next morning, Miranda woke up
with the worst hangover of her life.
Detective Stevens?
On her hall table, she discovered
that Detective Stevens had left a number...
...for her local AA chapter.
Samantha got her karmic retribution.
I love you, Sam Jones.
In screwing Sam Jones,
she wound up screwing herself.
I love you, Sam Jones.
A couple of days later,
Charlotte came home to her old apartment.
It was good fortune that she had only
sublet it, not to mention good sense.
Not wanting to come back
in my next life as a dung beetle,
I asked Samantha's assistant
to pump Natasha's assistant
to find out where she was having lunch.
I need to talk to you.
- I'm gonna scream.
- I'm only gonna stay a minute.
I tried to call you at work, but...
Anyway, it's not important.
Can I have a sip of this?
Thanks.
I heard about your marriage.
It's just so terrible.
I never meant for any of this to happen.
If there was something
I could do to take it away, I would.
But I can't.
I came here today
because I needed to say how sorry I am.
I am deeply sorry for what I did to you.
It was wrong.
I'm sorry.
Are you through?
Yes. Thank you for listening.
Wait.
I'm sorry too.
You are?
Yes. I'm sorry about it all.
I'm sorry he moved to Paris
and fell in love with me.
I'm sorry that we ever got married.
I'm sorry he cheated on me with you,
and I'm sorry that I pretended
to ignore it for as long as I did.
I'm sorry I found you in my apartment,
fell down the stairs and broke my tooth.
I'm very sorry
that after much painful dental surgery
this tooth is still
a different colour than this tooth.
Finally, I'm sorry that you felt
the need to come down here.
Not only have you ruined my marriage,
you've ruined my lunch.
That's just what I had to say.
I was just leaving.
I realised, my actions had set into motion
a karmic chain of events
that put Natasha
back on the singles market.
As if single women
didn't have it hard enough.
Somewhere out there,
Big was alone again.
The universe may not always play fair,
but at least it's got
a hell of a sense of humour.