04x05 - A New Start

[bunniefuu]

Keep your eyes open.

All right, guys, what do we got?

It's quiet out there.

Stand by.

Yeah, we, uh, we better be ready.

Yeah, I'm a man.

Don't make it look like makeup.

Car.

Car.

Is that guy one of ours?

Look at the license plate.

Looks like we got ourselves an anus tart.

Tobias Funke was on his way to reconnect

with a daughter he'd lost touch with.

Hey, there.

It's Big Daddy.

I thought I'd try to call you before I surprised you.

Things are... really looking up, and...

Hello? Oh, damn it.

What Sudden Valley does to these cell phones.

Oops.

Unbeknownst to Tobias, however,

the Sudden Valley home he was on his way to visit...

Anus tart is turning on Tracey Lane.

had been rented out to a television crew.

He's creeping up George Michael.

All right, guys, let's entrap

a local predator.

Come on. Lowlife.

We got to put this piece of (bleep)...

Who, what, when, where, why and how.

Who, what, where, when, why and how.

Who, what, when, where, why and how.

Anus tart is approaching the portico.

Yes, Tobias was finally about to get

a starring role on a hit TV show.

Is there a little girl here all by herself?

And now the story of the awful people

who are about to lose everything, and the one newsman

who had no choice but to entrap them all together.

It's John Beard's To Entrap a Local Predator, "Supercreeps."

Now the story of a family

whose future was abruptly cancelled,

and the one son-in-law who had no choice

but to keep himself together.

It's Tobias's Arrested Development.

Five years before Tobias was to appear on John Beard's TV show,

his acting career was as washed up...

- None taken. - ... as his family...

You are soaked to the bone.

and those men he was touching for some reason.

And his wife challenged him

to reexamine the other parts of his life as well.

There's nothing keeping us together.

It's time to give up our dreams if they're not working.

You know, your acting career,

this marriage that everyone thinks is a sham

because you're gay.

I-I'm sorry.

Everyone thinks I'm gay?

Well, I mean, it's kind of a running joke in the family.

I mean, y-you know that, right?

'Cause of the misleading way you talk sometimes.

Oh, you're saying the way I talk makes me sound gay?

When in the last year

have I said anything remotely mis...

♪ It's just a fallacy! ♪

leading? Is this because I want to be an actor,

and all the leading men in Hollywood are gay?

I don't think that all the leading men

in Hollywood are gay.

Oh, honey.

Look, we're chasing things that aren't real.

Maybe we need to go out there and find out

what we're meant to do.

His wife was giving him the cold shoulder.

And after kissing it good-bye,

he sat with her family, feeling lost...

Well, you look like I feel.

and very misunderstood.

Gay?

No, I...

No.

Tobias knew it was time to find out

what he was truly meant to do.

So when he came across a book

the universe had placed in his path,

he was open to its inspiration.

Oh, they're still reading, but...

well, I guess I can leave them some love.

So he just took "eat" and "pray."

"Eat" was easy,

although it provided no cosmic answers for him.

But it was the part about India that really got to him.

And so, like the heroine of Eat, Pray,

- Tobias decided - Wait a minute.

to get as far away from his wife as possible.

And so Tobias found himself booking passage to India.

And soon, he discovered his wife was also

preparing to go somewhere...

- I think you have my suitcase. - ... far away.

I'm so sorry, Tobias.

Look, I've already packed.

Can I just use this one?

Oh, what the heck.

I guess having matching luggage isn't so romantic anymore.

And these romantic gestures are

possibly why people think I'm a h*m*.

Well, it's time to correct old misconceptions.

And that is why I'm making a new start.

Oh, a new start.

Filled with compassion and love.

I like that.

Well, I've already got the license plate,

so go cry in your pie!

And so Tobias, hoping to

"straighten out" his image, set out on a new start,

beginning with a trip to the airport in an outfit

he pretty much put together himself.

Well, I guess this is why

you never see them driving convertibles.

I'll have to check on that one.

But it certainly wasn't embraced...

Stay in your lane, anus tart!

(bleep) anus tart!

by the local Indian community.

You have the true sense of the oneness of all.

And his quest hit a bump early on,

as he struggled to learn the customs and gestures of

- the culture he hoped to adopt. - Oh, g*dd*mn it!

Am I the only one who still dresses to fly?

Well, there we go.

India clean.

Now, how did I...

No. No.

Unfortunately, recreating the look

- of the traditional Indian garb - Are you finished? Oh.

turned out to be more difficult...

I look like one of those hot guys from Spartacus.

without the aid of Pradeep, the helpful Indian salesman...

I feel like there was less up top.

at Bed, Bath & Beyond, who helped him learn how to tie it.

Ah, got it, okay.

Yes, I actually like this better.

Yes?

Canadian?

No, I'm American.

Oh, yeah. I'm Canadian.

Oh. Sorry.

But because it was a long flight,

he figured he'd wait a b*at on finding his true calling

and watch something to take his mind off Lindsay...

How could they not have Failure to Launch?

who he knew was far away at the time.

g*dd*mn it.

And after taking

the wrong bag at the airport...

Do not leave any goats unattended.

All unattended goats will be confiscated.

Tobias finally arrived...

And so Tobias Funke embarked on a--

Oh, dear, Lord, it's... hot!

in India, yes, where he was very uncomfortable.

Not only because the wind whipped up

his queen-sized fitted mini-sarong,

but because he looked the wrong direction

when stepping into the street.

And so Tobias experienced India

from the inside of a hospital room,

where the staff was being trained...

This man here broke his skull in two places.

by the same doctor he'd had in America.

Once outside the airport and once in the elevator

when his sheet got caught and he was pulled off his gurney.

Literally.

Two places indeed.

This is very funny.

It's like that new show we just caught, Laugh-In.

My name is...

Oh!

Now I've broken my skull in a third place!

On this elephant guy statue!

Tobias had wanted the universe to provide him a sign.

You should be a comedy actor.

And finally it had.

This is the sign I've been...

Looking for.

And after two more weeks in the hospital,

it was time for his flight home.

And that's when he got another sign.

A call from Lindsay.

Although he wouldn't be able to reach the phone for hours...

I'm ready to make this work.

due to his already weakened spine.

Tobias and Lindsay

shared the news of their new start

at a family gathering.

I got the part.

You know, it's funny, for I, too, find that

I am on a journey.

Although, as we discovered

when our MasterCard bill came back,

it was the same one she took.

But mine has confirmed that I should

redouble my efforts to achieve

the unachievable dream of being an actor.

A journey that has left me eager

to connect with my true love.

Particularly if she finds her...

way clear to covering a 2, 000-rupee

City of Hopelessness hospital debt.

The trick is going to be getting anyone to believe

that her husband is straight enough

to have a true love that's a woman.

What are you implying?

Oh, I don't think there was any implying going on at all.

Didn't hear any implying.

I wasn't implying.

I'm sorry, Mother.

It's just, I've got a bit of a stick

up my "bunghole" about what I've now found

is a running joke about me.

But let's be honest.

For 2, 000 rupees, we'd both go down on Matthew McConaughey.

Yes, Michael?

At the time of this family meeting,

2, 000 rupees was $36.

I wouldn't.

Of course you wouldn't, Michael.

You never accept help from anyone.

And hoping to do things differently this time,

Lindsay immediately started spending money she didn't have.

Are you ready to make a move?

As you can see, I'm ready for a lot that's new.

Oh, good heavens.

While Tobias pursued

the life of a professional actor.

Listen, I'm an actor, you're an agent.

You do the math.

I want you to represent me.

In other words, you do the math--

the money, the negotiating.

You know I'm not that kind of agent, right?

I'm a real estate agent.

I'm a predator; I sell giant houses to very poor people

who can't afford them with predatory loans.

No, see, that's the money stuff I don't understand.

All you need to do is tell people

what a terrific actor I am, 'cause I can't do it believably.

What do you say?

Sounds like it shouldn't be too much work.

Huzzah!

Okay, here's the number

of my current agent Mike Matthews.

He's at Allstate. Fire him.

Tobias started seeing positive career signs everywhere...

decorating my quarters.

he chose to put them.

And at his new agent's suggestion...

Hi. I'm after pending.

he even snuck on to a studio lot to hand out head sh*ts

to extras and other show business insiders.

Taft-Hartley pending.

Things were looking up for the Funkes.

They even celebrated their first

- home-cooked Thanksgiving. - Including duck l'orange.

Oh!

Oh, no!

Lindsay! Lindsay, get the scooper!

Throw oranges at it.

Hot orange! Hot orange.

All right...

It's throwing its voice!

- Oh! - Lindsay!

And so they went

to the Fountain Valley China Garden instead.

And if the collapse of the housing market,

- his lack of auditions... - Tobias Funke.

or even the writers' strike

couldn't deter Tobias from his dream,

the su1c1de of his ruined

and despondent agent certainly could.

I believe he d*ed as a warning, in a way, his message perhaps

to live within our means

and be realistic about our lives.

And yet it didn't.

Well, then I shall redouble my efforts

so that he d*ed in vain.

Meaning he will have led a pointless life,

is what I mean.

Yes, carry on. Thank you.

And he soon found himself

bringing his wife to an acting class

in an effort to jump-start his career and marriage.

If everyone's good, you'll get your juice.

What did you say the name of this acting class was again?

Method One Clinic.

Okay, I'm gonna go get coffee.

Garden Grove Method One Clinic.

And Tobias found himself captivated

by one of the monologues.

And I made it in that movie, the Fantastic Four,

uh, but it wasn't fantastic for me.

Uh, I got carried away.

And I'm like, "This (bleep) is (bleep) up,

"and I've got to get my (bleep) together

or I'm gonna be (bleep), too."

Anyways, now I'm sober, and I'm trying.

It's... super hard.

Thank you. Thank you.

It was a devastating and personal story.

Okay, notes:

um, first of all, it seemed you were slurring a bit there,

and I just think you'd have so much more fun

punching those... those words.

Get it out there.

"This (bleep) is (bleep) up, sir."

I'm-I'm sorry. I'm not familiar with the piece, so...

No, no, that's it.

But I am familiar with your work in the Fantastic Four, however.

- You've seen that? - Of course I have.

20 years earlier, DeBrie Bardeaux

had played Sue Storm in the low-budget version

of the Fantastic Four, produced by Imagine Entertainment,

when, during Imagine's Christmas party,

a drunk lawyer reminded them they'd lose the rights

if they didn't make the film in the next six days.

After a two-hour search, they found their entire cast.

They also proved useful six days later at the wrap party.

I almost never get recognized as the Invisible Girl.

I can't believe you saw me.

Well, I-I thought it was "fantastic."

Actually, most of the performance

that had so captivated Tobias...

Hey, maybe she came into this Light Bulbs Unlimited.

She was here a minute ago.

was performed by a fishing line.

This is the gayest Starbucks ever!

Did his fishing line break, too?

Well, my acting career is over.

Oh, don't say that. You've got to say, "Keep the dream alive."

That's what helps me.

Well, this is what's helping me.

- Oh. - It's really good.

Carl Weathers used to give us grape juice.

But then he'd add five dollars to our credit card.

Well, here is to our acting addiction.

Yep.

May we never be cured.

Are you crying? Oh, I'm crying.

Oh, it's a nosebleed.

Oh, thank you so much.

Tobias had found a friend.

- You're neat! - You're neat.

You're neat.

You're neat.

And after a not-very-cute meet-cute,

Tobias continued to find DeBrie's behavior delightful,

even when the methadone made her think

she was a piece of toast.

There, now I can see

a pretty face under all that butter substitute.

And I recognize you from somewhere,

but it's not the Fantastic Four; it's from somewhere else.

I've done some things I'm not proud of.

Episodics? Been there.

It wasn't episodic.

She had been in a series

of soft-core p*rn movies about women

leading straight men into gay sex,

- called Straight Bait. - This is my brother. He's gay.

If you want to have sex with me,

then you've got to have sex with him first.

And if you don't want to have sex with her, you must be gay.

I'll show you how not gay I am.

She did six of these movies,

and after lunch, did three more.

It's nice to be recognized though.

Marky Bark-- sometimes he doesn't know

when I'm in the same room.

And sometimes it feels like

it's not the face blindness, you know?

It's the same with me and Lindsay.

I know she's trying, but she doesn't believe

in my acting career.

Maybe she's right. I've yet to make more money as an actor

than I ever did as a doctor.

And that's with Country-Wide behind me.

You're... wait, you're a doctor? You can write scripts?

Well, I like to think so.

You should never give up a dream if you can write scripts.

You seem like you'd be a good doctor/actor.

It was the first positive reinforcement

Tobias had had since India.

You remind me of Billy Crystal... Mmm, mmm!

It would have broken Tobias's heart if he knew

she was about to say "Billy Crystal Meth,"

a funny drug dealer.

Uh, I... got a bit carried away

when you compared me to Billy Crystal.

You remind me of Billy Crystal...

Once again, she was going to say "Billy Crystal Meth."

I'm sorry, but, DeBrie, I-I've never met anyone

who understands me like you do.

- Or at all. - Maybe, with someone like you,

I could have a new start.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Did you see my license plate-- "A-N-U-S-T-A-R-T"?

Whoa. Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Did you see my Straight Bait movie of the same name?

Coincidence.

We should be together.

We should run away.

Oh, my gosh.

Well, this is happening so fast.

Well, what do I do about Lindsay?

I mean, can I just improv my way out of a marriage?

Yes, and... let's do this.

Blackout.

Unaware that a similar

off-menu swap had just occurred at Swappigans,

Tobias broke the news

that he was leaving Lindsay in a phone call.

for I have met someone.

It's not important who it is.

It's Sue Storm.

I'm so sorry, but DeBrie believes in me,

and she stopped my heart, too.

If you're wondering what "too" referred to, it was this:

Let's do this.

Blackout.

And scene, as they say.

Her heart stopped! She-She's dying!

Please, someone! She had too much butter!

- She's a very famous actress! - Someone say "butter" out here?

Oh, my God, that's a butter face.

- How much butter did the patient have? - I don't know.

- A Star Trek chess set's worth. - Damn it, that Swappigans

puts more people in this hospital. Make way, people!

We got a 61-year-old male

in full cardiac arrest coming through.

You have to wait outside, sir.

Be careful of her face!

She's an actress!

It's worth noting that Tobias

had heard this hospital in Orange County

was a favorite of show business big sh*ts

seeking plastic surgery.

We're both actors!

On the day of Lucille's trial,

Tobias was in a hospital with a woman

he'd both fallen for and had rushed into an ICU.

See? Makeup makes everyone feel a little better.

You didn't leave me.

Everybody leaves me.

I've been left in Dumpsters and on a curb and...

Oh, I wouldn't dream of it.

Excuse me. Could you, uh, leave us alone for...

- Yeah, absolutely, yes. - Thank you.

Oh, no, I-I'd like him to-to stay.

- Really? - Yeah.

Okay.

I'm afraid that you have

tested positive for chlamydia, syphilis,

gonorrhea, hepatitis, pancreatitis,

trichomonitis, nongonococcal urethritis.

All the itises, really, and there's also

a host of osises.

Now, what this means in nonmedical terms

is that you have landed, uh, a real party girl.

Well, will she be okay?

Well, we can treat all of these things,

but if she's really gonna be okay,

uh, she's gonna have to tackle this drug problem.

You didn't tell me you had a drug problem.

We met at a methadone clinic.

Are you high?

We met at an acting class.

The Method One...

There it is. I'm gonna let you guys, uh, hash this out.

I guess I shouldn't have lied about being clean

when I took that methadone, but I'll do better this time.

Or are you gonna leave me

now that you know that I'm a druggie?

DeBrie, look, some people struggle with addiction,

other people are incapable of ever being nude.

Everybody has something.

And it's my professional opinion that your drug use

is a direct result of your abandoning your dream of acting.

You are a gifted actress.

When I first saw Straight Bait,

there were two men making love,

but I couldn't take my eyes off of you.

You watched Straight Bait?

Oh, just2, 4and9.

You were with a guy who didn't care about you.

But stick with me, and I'll make you famous.

By cashing in on your most celebrated role.

Come one, come all!

Get your photo taken with Sue Storm

from the Fantastic Four!

Hey, is that Jessica Alba?

No, this is the original Sue Storm, DeBrie Bardeaux!

- Who? - The original Sue Storm,

DeBrie Bardeaux. She-- No, no!

No free pictures, kids!

No, no, scram!

Get out of here! Go!

Go, get out of here.

I don't think this is working.

Maybe I need to get a regular job.

I do have a law degree.

I know, I know, and I'm a doctor.

But no, let's not settle.

Look, it's the Fantastic Four.

No one recognizes one alone.

I've got an idea.

Ten dollars gets you a picture with

real Hollywood characters!

What do you say? Ten dollars.

That's certainly cheap.

Oh! Hello, young man,

and his... uncle? Neighbor?

Father.

Oh! That's terrific.

Well, how would you like

to have your picture taken

with real Hollywood movie land characters?

Are you the Smurfs?

No, no, no.

They're the Ambiguously Gay Duo.

Oh, I assure you,

there's nothing ambiguous about me.

I'm Johnny Storm, the human flamer.

And this is Sue Storm, my sister and fellow fighter-in-law.

Now watch as I get-- no, I have special effects!

Look, children love fire.

Oh.

This isn't working either.

You're right.

Two people in blue doesn't say Fantastic Four.

You know what though?

I think I may have just the thing.

Oh?

Just "the thing."

Cut to...

Now that I'm the iconic rock man The Thing,

no one will misunderstand.

I'm sure the Blues Brothers here will know who we are.

Excuse me, are you Sue Storm and The Thing?

Oh, who's smart now?

Indeed we are.

In fact, they were orthodox members of the law firm

Feinberg, Feinberg, Feinberg & Feinberg.

We represent Stan Lee and Marvel Enterprises.

This is a cease and desist

ordering you to stop impersonating

any of our trademark characters.

Oh, let me take a look at that.

I have a law degree.

No, DeBrie, I've got this.

Mr. Feinberg?

Uh, would it change your mind

if I offered you a free Sue Storm armband?

It did not change his mind.

And although the hate crime charges were dismissed,

they were told they could not continue

to pose as the Fantastic Four.

Can they really make us leave Hollywood Boulevard?

Well, apparently in this instance, paper beats rock.

You have a rock?

No, I am your rock now.

Oh.

So what are we gonna do

now that we don't have the rights?

Well, we just go off-brand.

Uh, we'll just change the names and do a cheap generic knockoff.

Kids don't care.

Tobias took them down to a street

near Harbor Boulevard, where his friend Gary Goose

told him they didn't police very much.

Rock Monster and Ability to Be Invisible Person.

Hello, young man. What brings you

to at least 500 feet past the entrance of Disneyland?

Dad, can I get my picture taken

with The Thing and Invisible Girl?

They're the Fantastic Four.

Well, actually, technically, I'm Rock Monster,

and this is Ability to Be Invisible Person.

- Hey, you guys want the ten dollars or not? - Yeah.

- Uh... - Yeah, yeah.

Yes. Okay.

We're The Thing and the Invisible Girl.

- You're under arrest. - What?

Boom. Turn around.

- Let's go. - I didn't...

- Let's go. Get up there. - Oh! Oh!

Come on.

- Oh, come on, now. - No, no, no.

We're not gonna k*ll him, we're just gonna handcuff him.

You can't sh**t us 'cause it's not a felony.

Keep your eyes on her. I'll be right back.

Okay.

If it happens again,

you know, it will be a third strike.

Three-strikes law's up for review in the appellate courts,

but we really shouldn't be charging.

I know of a street in Garden Grove

- where they don't police very much. - Okay.

Things were looking down.

And over the following weeks,

their financial situation grew dire enough

for this to happen.

We're broke.

But you can't sell your Fantastic Four costume.

I mean, that would be like a fisherman

selling his fishing costume.

No, I was gonna have sex with him.

For money.

What? No. Put that back on.

You don't have to degrade yourself this way.

Hey, I'm not a thing.

Hey, I am a Thing.

And so, with no other options, Tobias returned

to his in-laws' penthouse,

desperate enough to ransack the place,

when it appeared someone had beaten him to it.

Michael.

No, George Michael.

Somebody, help!

And that's when he heard what sounded like two ostriches

making love to a pop hit.

But was actually this.

♪ Why don't you go away, go away ♪

♪ Get away, get away ♪

♪ Stay away ♪

♪ You're hopelessly hopeless... ♪

Good bird.

Stop it, chicken!

Somebody help!

Lucille 2!

Help! Help! Kevin, give me a hand!

Get Dr. Bowman or Alicia.

Either one.

This woman's been att*cked by an ostrich!

Ah, Tobias got a new girlfriend.

Tobias had acted like an actual superhero

- and saved Lucille 2. - There's my hero.

You know, the doctor said

if that bird had gotten through

my second layer of makeup, it could've done

permanent damage to my skin.

And I want to repay you.

You're a doctor, and you're out of work.

- Well... - How would you like to come work for me,

at Austerity?

The rehab center? That's yours?

Well, my brother Argyle runs it day to day.

But we are so understaffed.

You'd be such a gift.

It would only pay 120 grand a year to start.

Tobias, whose girlfriend had nearly

sold her body for money in front of him,

knew that everyone at some time has to face reality.

- But that this wasn't the time. - No.

- You turned it down?! - Uh-huh.

I almost a guy for a hamburger,

and you turned down $120, 000 a year?

To keep our dream alive, yes, I did.

I thought you'd be proud of me.

After all, a doctor in India

told me that I have the gift to make people laugh.

Why are you crying?

You're worse than Marky.

He couldn't see me, but you can't hear me.

The setback sent an emotionally fragile DeBrie

back to her old ways.

And before long, she was picked up by a limo

for a night of being passed around

amongst Hollywood creeps.

For three weeks, Tobias waited, hoping DeBrie would return.

Perhaps it was the morning he awoke to find

two bums using him as a pillow

that he realized she wasn't coming back.

Who are you supposed to be?

Oh, I'm The Thing from Fantastic Four.

You've been served, (bleep).

Oh, (bleep) me.

Are you undercover as well?

I'm CIA. Not here for you though.

Scoping out Imagine Entertainment.

So, with nowhere to go...

Thought I'd try you again.

and no one to help him out of his rock suit...

Honey, you read comic books, yes?

he went to see if his daughter

would give him a place to stay.

Now the fun begins, right, Officer Three?

I'll say.

and why and how. Who, what, when, where, why and how.

Is there a little girl here all by herself?

And perhaps it was this that would finally

get him to admit that he sometimes did speak

in a misleading way.

Daddy needs to get his rocks off.

On the next To Entrap a Local Predator...

I'll be down in a minute.

Have some lemonade.

Predator gets its first rock-solid case.

Pretty good lemonade, huh?

It is.

Is there alcohol in here-- John Beard!

Please, have a seat.

Okay.

Why are you here?

I'm here to see my little girl.

I wanted to show her Daddy's Thing.

What are you doing here?

I'm doing a, um, a local interest piece.

Mm.

Okay, get in there, boys.

Oh, really local.

That's right, yeah.

Is this about my daughter?

Oh, so it's your daughter

- you're here to see? - Yes.

Maeby.

If he's got a daughter, then how old is she?

Let me ask you this.

How old is she?

Oh.

Why do you put me on the spot?

Um, I want to say 19?

But I like to think of her as 15.

Well, you're free to go.

She's not here.

But this creep won't take "go"

- for an answer. - Oh, that's all right.

I'll stay, I'll wait.

And this creep makes himself right at home.

- Give me just a minute. - He's not leaving.

- He's not leaving. - He's not leaving.

Tell him there's a raccoon in the backyard.

Hey, guess what.

There's a raccoon out on the patio!

Bull (bleep).

Where is that little guy?

And this guy turns out to be a real comedian.

I just broke my skull in a fourth place:

the patio!