05x04 - Super Lucky Happy

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Weeds". Aired: August 7, 2005 - September 16, 2012.*
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A widowed mother of two boys begins selling weed to support her family.
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05x04 - Super Lucky Happy

Post by bunniefuu »

Previously on "weeds"...

My partner is dead.

I'm gonna get this guy, and I'm gonna k*ll him.

He was my partner.

Andy: oh, holy sh*t.

The tijuana police?

Don't enjoy this.

We should flee. And I love you.

I need you to take shane up to my sister's.

Shane: she banged uncle andy. assh*le!

Do not make me go back there.

Everyone hates me.

Where in the f*ck am i?

Man: you're in texas, ma'am.

Mr. Sandusky.

I need some pot.

I want to open a store... Medical marijuana.

Doug is helping me.

We can't approve your application without the consent of a local law-enforcement official.

You guys want to sell dr*gs?

I'm gonna want my cut.

You will lie back and show there is a baby that is both male and mine.

You remember sucio. He will watch you now.

Where is sucio? Nancy: there was blood.

Get yourself to a safe place.

Wait for my call.

What are we doing here, nance?

Big buffalo blasting.

Says so right on the thing.

No, here, family fun bowl-o-rama.

I'm out of tokens. I bowled seven full games.

I'm being recruited for league, so that...

I want to go home.

You sh*t a bunny.

Don't think you're supposed to blast the bunny.

Or the owl.

When esteban calls, we can all go home.

Then you'll be free to sit your sister-f*cking ass down on the couch, get high, schedule your post-sister-f*cking jerk session wherein you relive all the many pleasures of f*cking my sister.

Uh-huh. Yeah.

I see what's going on here.

Don't.

What?

Just don't.

Fine. You're jealous.

You're pissed about jill. I just said I didn't want to do this.

You don't need to wait for esteban to call. I really don't want to get into your whole...

Ergo... Ergo. Ergo...

Ergo... Really?! It's not about... It's about me.

It is so not about you. That night in the car!

That was for the cops, andy. The passion... At border fence.

Passion? I was trying not to pee in my pants. You felt something.

Enough. Enough.

You... You try to hide your feelings.

This is bullshit. Bullshit.

Bullshit. Bullshit. Huh.

Okay, so kiss me.

Go away.

You like me.

You like me like me, and that's why you don't want to.

Baby, andy.

Baby, baby, baby, baby.

Another man's baby.

And another bunny.

I'm hoping she falls down a flight of stairs.

This thing is happening whether we like it or not.

sh*t!

You don't want a pink bear anyway.

f*ck the bear. I want to win.

Okay. Time to go.

Esteban's meeting us at the house.

So we do get to meet baby daddy.

Be nice or say nothing.

I've, uh, brought you this.

Oh, those are awesome shirts. I wish you'd brought three.

So, you're the mayor of mexico or something?

Or... Something, yes.

And you stuck your penis inside my mother...

At least once.

Okay, then. Goodnight, shane. Go upstairs.

Now you're sure it's safe up there?

What happened to the smelly guard dog?

Oh, cesar believes he mixed up his medications and, um, wandered off.

I mixed, uh, benadryl and tegretol one time, spent three days guessing weight at the iowa state fair, got crabs, and a tattoo...

Of a crab.

So, he just wandered off naked and bleeding?

I am told that's happened before, yes.

Oh.

Well, in that case, thank you for giving him a g*n and the keys to our house.

Uh, how about moving into my house?

Did you just ask me to live with you?

Andy: in tijuana?

Even the donkeys are scared, and that's a fun place to be a donkey.

I own a house here...

In santa playa.

There's plenty of room...

Room for the boys and, uh, even room for him.

I'm good, actually, here.

Me too.

I think... It would be best.

Yeah, well, you're not the mayor of us.

And these shirts are lame!

Shane, go to bed now.

Come on, tough guy.

Nice to meet you.

You didn't answer my question.

This is our home.

And where is our home?

Where is this coming from?

I received the test results.

It is indeed a boy. My boy.

Oh. I see.

Your boy.

Oh, god, look at the time!

We should go to bed, nance, let this poor guy leave.

Uh, ignacio!

Another guard dog.

Ignacio will watch over you for now.

You know what? I can do the watching.

I'm an excellent watcher.

Right. You and your crabs.

This is for you, nancy.

"Now and zen baby cradle and swing"?

It's a little early, don't you think?

I'm not even showing.

I can feel him.

Look at this guy. He's a gorilla.

He's a thug!

I mean, take away the the muscles and the fiery eyes and the cold heart of a k*ller, what does he have that I don't have?

Aah!

I call him mr. Zappy.

Oh, great. Now he's wet himself.

That happens.

I'll get him a towel.

You're gonna love this swing.

Only the best for our boy.

"Our boy."

Mm-hmm.

"Nothing is exactly as it seems, nor is it otherwise."

What?

It says so right on the box.

Smoking in the eco-garden. Way to raise the bar.

I need to top off my feed bag.

How much more jolly green can you get me?

How much can you spend?

Four grand.

You have four extra grand?

Unions really are ruining this country.

I got "choosing chastity" in the science room till 5:00.

So I'll meet you after.

That "abstinence only" bullshit? Blow it off.

Can't.

If I split before the movie ends, the hamsters get r*ped with sharpies.

Ah, the nesting phase.

Hey, am I race-biased, or this a new mexican bodyguard?

Brand-new.

Hi. Hola.

The cat is milo. The dog is otis.

The cat is crazy, and the little dog just follows!

Right.

So, I'm gonna go now.

Good luck.

Oh, have you seen andy?

He's in the garage working out.

Ignacio: jump, little dog, jump!

Hey, just in time to spot me.

Is this 'cause you pissed yourself last night?

No. Yes.

Anyway, he cheated.

I could use your help with my zen baby erector kit.

Big showdown coming, nance.

High noon.

I can feel it in my bones.

Where'd you get the box o' pain?

What? This is my stuff.

It's my, uh, athlete stuff.

It's judah's. He was good at sports.

I was good at fleeing.

You know, I have a bodyguard.

I don't need you to crush my foes in your armpit.

Yeah?

Well, what do you need from me?

The doorbell is barking.

You look like, uh, jamie lee curtis in "perfect."

You do, kinda.

Oh, good. Just so you know...

That's what I was going for.

Celia.

Nancy.

What a wonderful surprise.

Really?

No.

Not wonderful, not a surprise.

You want to come in?

Thank you.

Oh. It's you.

You, you, you.

It's complicated.

Is that a suitcase?

Yes, it is.

No. You can't stay here. Listen, nancy, I've been thinking.

You can't stay here! You don't even know what I was gonna say!

You can't stay here!

I was kidnapped.

Yes, thank you so much for the ransom.

They were gonna sell my gall bladder to the japanese.

Fortunately, my body is a toxic pit.

And I escaped...

Heroically.

And now I am homeless.

Celia...

I'm pregnant.

With a baby?

Yes, with a baby.

Which means I need quiet...

And calm and...

Thank you...

And happy thoughts around me as much as possible.

And you, celia, are not quiet, not calm.

You are so terribly, miserably, thoroughly unhappy that if I pricked your finger, you'd bleed a f*cking rain cloud!

Is it andy's?

Come on.

Come on.

Nobody puts baby in the corner.

Oh, this place perfect for any business!

There's plenty of room.

Location's great.

Not so eager.

You really got to jew these slopes down.

Please don't do that.

You want the fish? Buy the fish.

Don't squeeze the fish!

I'm not squeezing the fish. I'm sniffing it.

And I have every right to sniff the fish if I'm gonna buy it... Or rent it.

We'll take it.

What kind of business you got, anyway?

It's a compassionate care club.

Ooh! That gym for fat ladies?

Medical marijuana, actually.

Oh, no. No, no, no!

You sell pot in here, feds take away my building!

Yeah, well, you eat dogs.

Ah, get the f*ck out, asswhore!

"Push the seat back to down until it snaps into place."

Snap. Snap. Snap!

Plastic demon from hell!

Mommy needs to get drunk.

He look little, but he's heavier than a sea turtle!

What was he doing out there?

Looking in the window.

Maybe waiting to come into the house for you.

What was he gonna arrest me for?

No arrest. Kcck!

Pistola.

Cuchillo.

Ha!

Puño de hierro.

Sangre de un hombre muerto.

That's very unsanitary.

No badge.

Today he's no cop.

Today he's rambo.

Wake up.

Remember me, angry little princesa?

Help me get him into the bathroom.

What are you gonna do?

Put him in the tub.

Oh, 'cause he peed his pants, right? Yes.

I'm going to burn his clothes, drain his blood, and melt his bones with acid.

Oh, right.

Ohh. Help me.

Ka ka ka ka ka ka!

Not in my tub.

What's that thing supposed to be?

Domestic bliss.

Looks like someone shat a tilt-a-whirl.

You're the moral center of this family.

Let me ask you something.

Is it okay to impersonate your dead brother and pseudo-steal some money if you're gonna use the cash for the family's greater good?

His passport's upstairs in my sock drawer.

If I were you, I'd wear a hat or something.

Resemblance is, uh, sort of thin.

And that would be a thumbs-up! Good stuff.

Whatcha doing with all the smokeable product there?

Selling it to my english teacher.

For the family's greater good, of course, right?

The family that tried to ship my ass to oakland?

Sure. Think that.

Despite the enormous hypocritical elephant in the room, I feel compelled to express alarm and potentially dismay...

And fear that silas will k*ll you...

And regret...

That your true-north moral compass has, uh, gone on the fritz.

What can I say? I'm a botwin.

We're not responsible for anything we do.

I order you to release me.

I am a federal agent, and this man is wanted by the u.s. Government.

If you untie him, he'll k*ll me.

You have no badge, roy. You're out here all on your own.

I'm undercover.

What did you do to sucio?

Who?


The dirty mexican.

Sorry.

No. It's true. He stinks like pig sh*t.

He k*lled my partner.

Were you gonna hurt me, too?

He's going to k*ll you. He's going to k*ll me.

He's a k*ller! Not me. I'm nice.

Untie me, I k*ll him, we go watch "milo and otis."

No one is k*lling anyone. Stop it.

Stop kicking each other, or I'm gonna make you pee your pants again.

Whose side are you on?!

She's on my side!

She making baby with the boss.

What's it like f*cking a monster?

You will not speak that way in front of my child!

You can't keep us here like this for long!

Who's it gonna be?

Celia: hello, nancy?

You home?

Make a sound, I k*ll you both.

Hey, hey, hey! You got a boner!

It's a perfectly normal reaction to the adrenaline of combat!

No, no, no, no, no. That's not cool, man.

No.

I don't want to fight no more with you!

Hi, nancy.

Okay, well, the door was open, so I just...

Well, not exactly open, but ajar.

Uh, mostly, it was unlocked.

I've been thinking.

I know you said I couldn't live here, per se, in the house proper.

But it is southern california, and you do have that nice screen porch, back there, with the... Couch.

So... Hey, that's fire.

Okay, you know, take it easy.

Take it easy. Ow, nancy! God!

Hang on a minute.

Okay, final net, extra hold.

This is cotton. I am highly flammable right now.

You know what? You're crazy.

You are f*cking crazy, and I hate you!

We'll just talk later.

$186,437.96?

That's right, mr. Botwin.

Judah. Call me judah.

Well, judah, I haven't seen one of these in a long time.

Oh, yeah, well, that little collector's item there...

Oh!... Was given to my brother and me.

We both got one... This one's mine, obviously...

When my great uncle yitzhak tripped and accidentally locked himself in a freezer chest.

Interesting side note...

It's still the only case of hypothermia in woodland hills.

Anyway, it was a lot of money for a young boy.

But I was smart enough to put it aside for a rainy day!

Unlike my stupid brother, who blew his on a '72 ford econoline when he needed a place to live one summer.

So it's...

God, I bet he wishes he didn't do that!

Especially with the amazing growth on that account.

What an assh*le.

Well, actually, the growth's been average.

You grandmother has been adding to it for almost 30 years.

That bitch!

I mean, it saddens me that she would so blatantly favor one grandson over another.

Now, um, about the hold that you put on this account...

Listen, I don't know what sort of bullshit he's trying to pull, but you tell judah he's gonna have to come in here and talk to me before he's gonna see dime one of this.

I have been waiting a very, very long time to say my piece to judah botwin, and by god, I'm gonna say it!

Now get him in here.

Um...

Judah d*ed.

He's... He's dead.

Fast cars, rodent r*pe, summers off...

Wow, to be you.

You think life is your own private little joke, don't you, botwin?

You know who else used to think that?

Your parents...

Before you showed up and sh*t all over their dreams.

Nah, nothing shits on my mom's dreams, least of all me.

And my dad's dead. But nice try.

Get in, we'll settle up, and I'll give you a ride home.

Wow, to be you!

Why can't you just walk away?

Why can't you go home, forget about all this?

Nothing to go home to.

Nothing and no one.

Not anymore.

I know it's soon, but have you thought about dating?

He wouldn't be who you had, but there's someone else out there for you.

My ugly cousin paulo...

He made himself a f*ck doll from a tire.

Someone or something.

You have to choose, nancy. Who's it gonna be?

No. I let him go, he kills you.

I let you go, you k*ll him.

I can't have that!

Come on, mommy. Pick your favorite.

'Cause you're right... I'll k*ll him.

It's what I'm living for.

See, I tell you.

Or he'll k*ll me without blinking an eye and then stuff his face and watch movies like nothing happened.

That's true, too.

Choose! I can't.

I'm bringing a child into the world.

I'm not ready to sit here and play buddha and be f*cking zen about who lives or dies!

So we will ask the magic ball.

Tell me, magic ball, can these two men part in peace and live to k*ll another day?

Go on and shake your magic ball.

Tell yourself you're so noble because we're both still breathing.

You've got blood on your hands.

Just sign here and here.

Month to month. Three months down.

Well, now, I was thinking 12-month lease with 2 months down.

Fine.

I'm really glad you changed your mind.

He b*at up my cat.

I like your style.

Yeah.

Just sign the f*cking paper already.

Hmm. We're in business, partner.

Partner.

Partners.

Faggots.

He was my first... My first boyfriend, my first love, and my first...

You know.

Then he went away, and my life became a bucket of sh*t.

Well, I feel your bucket.

That was pretty smart, pretending to be judah.

State taxes, probate drain the whole account.

Well...

Maybe you could help me out.

Oh. I don't know. I could get fired.

Of course, the bank is closing anyway.

Downsizing, recession.

You sorta look like him.

You have the same kind eyes.

Tell me more about my eyes.

All right, here's the deal.

You go out with me, and I'll get you into that account.

I was gonna ask you out anyway.

Only it has to be as judah. You're judah, and I'm me.

And you have to love me and treat me nice.

Well, there's nothing weird about that.

Uh, yeah. Sure, margaret.

Whatever you say.

Mags. Judah calls me mags.

Are you all right?

As I see it, yes.

It is certain.

It is decidedly so.

Most likely.

Outlook good.

Signs point to yes.

Without a doubt.

Reply hazy, try again.

Ask again later. Better not tell you now.

Cannot predict now.

Don't count on it.

My reply is no.

My sources say no.

Outlook not so good.

Very doubtful.

So, "no."

Not all right.

What's going to happen in there...

...is not right or wrong.

It's not good or bad.

It is.

It's what happens next.

We chose.

You and i.

When we came together, we chose...

A life, this life, for you, for me, for our son.

And there is nothing I will not do to protect that life.
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