05x06 - A Modest Proposal

[bunniefuu]

Previously on "weeds"...

Ignacio will watch over you for now.

You helped shane rob his teacher?

I am so sorry that I exposed him to the world of criminal activities...

For the first time.

I want to open a store... Medical marijuana.

I'm gonna want my cut. Can we have a second?

We're a little new to this whole extortion thing.

I have nowhere to go.

Do you think that you could allow me to stay in your garage while I figure out what the f*ck I'm doing with my life?!

Two days.

I own a house here here... In santa playa.

Did you just ask me to live with you?

There's plenty of room... Even room for him.

I'm good.

Me too.

I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do.

I got the money. There's a lot.

What? How? It doesn't matter.

We could be more. I would like to try. But esteban...

Write him a note. A note?!

Leave him a note, like the olden times.

Break his heart in ink.

He will understand if he loves you.

These are terrible names.

Percy.

Clifford?

Who would name a son humphrey?

Mr. And mrs. Bogart.

Yes. Still a bad name.

True. You always hear "bogie and bacall."

You never hear "humphrey and lauren."

Oh.

I've decided that, um...

We will get married.

Huh.

That is a prized family heirloom.

"Reyes" means "kings."

I don't know what "botwin" means.

Huh. This just isn't how I pictured this going down.

Well, I am sorry to disappoint you.

Oh.

Purple.

Did you like the ring?

Oh... It's hideous.

Well, it's the, uh, championship ring of the soccer team I own.

I'm gonna want that back.

Are you really asking me?

Yes.

Where was that?

We're not children anymore, nancy.

We're not playing house.

I ask...

...that you give yourself to me...

To be mine forever...

...mrs. Esteban reyes.

Would that make you mr. Nancy botwin?

No. No.

Yes. Yes, yes.

Yes.

I'll take a bowl of the best thing you got on the menu, s'il vous plait.

C.p., I'm trying to run a legitimate business.

You don't have a prescription.

Fine. I'll take it myself, boy scout.

No, no, no, don't give me that look.

I do the same thing at pretzel time.

Come on. Let's get faded.

Uh, blitt and I need to close early, uh, for inventory... Well, what's left of it, right?

Right.

Right. So, can you get faded somewhere else?

I'm hurt that you don't want to smoke with me, silas.

But, uh, I get it.

What really hurts, though, is that you've been light these last couple months.

Happens again, we're gonna have a serious problem...

Bitch-ass bitch.

See ya.

My name is in this book...

"Shane... A feeling of guilt."

Was I an accident?

Who can remember?

Honestly, I was hammered.

You should get to pick your own name.

At what age?

If I'd given you that freedom at 3, your name would be "count chocula botwin."

You notice anything different?

About my hand?

Oh. Yeah.

He said he was gonna ask you.

He told you?

We had an hombre-to-hombre talk.

Mucho respect. I'm cool.

Ahh!

You're cool?

And you're guzzling coffee?

Ignacio says it puts hair on your chest. Right.

And spinach gives you instant muscles and an anchor tattoo.

Time for summer school.

Escuela de verano. Vamanos, muchacho.

Ah, señora reyes.

Felicidades.

Did esteban tell everybody?

Everybody except for andy.

You might want to take care of that one yourself.

Una fresca, por favor.

¿Aceptan tarjetas de credito?

You want to buy a fresca with a credit card?

Que estupidez.

Estupidez, but es on the quiz.

School doesn't teach you nothing useful.

You want to learn español util? I teach you.

Okay. Okay.

Lesson number one... Ah! Common business transaction.

Repeat after me...

Paga, hijo de puta, o te abro la cabeza con este picahielos.

What does that mean?

That means, "pay up, m*therf*cker, or I'll cr*ck your head open with an ice pick."

Nice.

All-purpose. Si.

Uh, can we ditch school?

We don't need no stinkin' school.

Yeah!

What's up?

My score... That's what.

312,000 And counting.

Look out, abdner ashman... Coming to get you.

Who's abdner ashman? Guy from queens...

Holds the record ms. Pac-man high score.

I'm only behind him like 600,000 points, give or take.

Wow. Look out!

Silas! I know I got a ways to go.

I'm in this for the long haul.

It just... It feels right, you know?

She gets me. We're in sync.

No words... Just a gentle touch of my hand.

I move left, she moves left.

I move right, she moves right.

Should I be worried here?

Yes! Power pellet.

Die, inky! Die, blinky!

Come here, sue, you filthy little ghost whore.

I'm worried here.

Don't worry about me, silas. Worry about you.

I'm worried about both of us...

You because you're cracking up...

And me because the cop extorting money from me is cracking up.

How much you got left?

Of what?

Uncle yitzhak's lost fortune, which fell miraculously into your hands.

That's right... That's how it happened.

How much do you have left?

Couple thousand maybe, if that.

What? I thought you said there was like 180 grand.

Was. Look... Look around you.

Geez!

You blew all that money on this crap?

This crap...

And general lee.

f*ck's sake.

Please, step away from the car.

Ow. Ow.

Please step away from the car.

Dear god! Damn it.

Why do I have to do this?

Because you're the only one I can trust not to get turned on.

Doug. Ooh, doug, thank god you're still here.

I need a ride to the mall.

No can do. Got to dry.

If I smudge, people know it's fake.

Yeah, that... That's how they'll know.

Ask andy.

I did.

Conflicting engagement with ms. Pac-man.

Well, have a nice walk to the bus stop.

Christ, I need a car.

My f*cking feet are k*lling me.

Maybe if you actually wore your sneakers to work, instead of changing into them there.

Sneakers are the footwear of my corporate oppressor, isabel.

I just thought you might as well be comfortable.

Think it's comfortable for me to work at super sneakers?

Well, it's not.

But I will suffer for my beliefs.

You want to know who else did that?

Jesus.

I thought jesus wore birkenstocks.

Is she gone?

Make sure you get it even.

Yeah, hi, andy. It's me... Nancy.

I thought maybe you'd...

Pick up this time, but...

...you're probably really busy.

Uh, i-i got to say, I think it kind of sucks that you've been avoiding me, because I miss you, despite what you might think.

And I hoped that maybe by now you'd understand that I'm doing the best I can to deal with everything.

Maybe that's asking too much.

Oh, yeah, guess what.

Esteban asked me to marry him.

I know, right? No more nancy botwin.

Mrs. Esteban reyes. Mrs. Somebody somebody else.

Isn't that weird?

This is the part where I thought you'd laugh and make a joke about outlaws and in-laws and a fajita bar at the wedding.

Anyway, call me.

Come and see me.

Hope you're good.

And please don't have a scraggly moonshiner beard, unless you plan on starting a cult, in which case...

Go, beard.

Bye.

f*ck.

Do I look even to you?

What?

I'm working on my tan.

I found this george hamilton autobiography in the shitter.

This guy's a f*cking genius.

You know he doesn't live anywhere?

His rich friends put him up wherever he goes.

And he's constantly banging, like, britt ekland or anita ekberg.

And you know what, silas? I want to be like this.

And to be like the "g. Ham," I need the tan, man.

I need the deep, dark, savage tan.

C.p. Came by today.

He threatened us because his take's been light.

Of course it's been light.

The f*cking guy's always hanging around.

No one's gonna want to buy weed in front of the bacon.

Skeeves people out, like midgets.

He pulled a g*n on me...

Just messing around, but still...

What a douche.

Power corrupts, silas.

We need to fight the power.

Great. How do you propose we do that?

We ask ourselves...

"What would george hamilton do?"

What? Why?

The man slept with his stepmother when he was 12 years old.

Clearly, he can do anything.

Okay, next lesson... Greetings and salutations.

Repeat after me... Chinga tu culo.

Means, "go f*ck yourself in the ass."

Chinga tu culo.

Chinga tu culo!

This is fun.

Hey, f*ck you, man.

No, this is fun.

¿Me estas diciendo que me joda?

Me estas diciendo que me joda, ¿eh?

¿Me estas diciendo que me joda?

Hey!

Ime dices que mejor, capullo!

You with the f*cking names.

Yeah, new name.

Comes with a prize.

You like it?

Turns out you were wrong.

It wasn't "miss dead puta whore" after all.

It was "mrs. Esteban reyes."

Though, I might hyphenate... Botwin-reyes...

Just to keep my old self alive, being a modern woman and all.

I'm impressed, blanca.

You know, you... You remind me of my cat, rosita.

I used to throw her off the porch, and...

Damn if that little bitch didn't land on her feet every time.

Of course, then I threw her off the roof, and she went splat.

So, why you come here... Invite me to the wedding?

I wanted to share something with you.

The other day, my fiance...

He said the funniest thing.

We were eating breakfast.

He has brioche made for me every morning.

It's my favorite.

And he said, "mi amor, "do you know that I would do anything for you?

Do you know that I would even k*ll for you?"

He just kicked.

And you know what I said?

I don't know.

Maybe you asked him to k*ll some loco d.e.a. Agent?

Did you do that?

'Cause if that was you, then... Gee, thanks.

You did me a solid.

Maybe soon we won't have this glass between us no more.

You're not going anywhere.

Hey! We had some fun at the driving range yesterday!

What do you want to do today... Tennis? Ugh!

Hm.

Wait! Wait! God...

Aah! Ow! Ow!

Oh, sh*t!

f*cking shoes!

Love your shoes.

Thank you.

I may work in casual, but my heart is in couture.

Oh, honey, I've been there.

Raylene reynolds...

Regional sales director, you're pretty! Cosmetics.

Nice to meet you.

Hop in, darlin'.

You look like you could use a ride.

How much weight can that thing hold?

If that f*cking fat-ass costs us our security deposit...

Growing up, young george lived by one rule...

Do the dumbest thing possible.

What?

Time and again, he'd get himself into trouble just for the thrill of weaseling his way out of it.

I want to be that weasel.

Doug...

Wait, no... Wait.

Get out.

Get out of my store right now! Get out of my store!

I've had enough of you driving my customers away, skimming my profit, and f*cking me in the ass.

I don't care if you are the heat.

I don't take it in the back... Not from you.

No more. I'm not gonna take it anymore.

You're making a big mistake, wilson... Big!

You know what else is big? My johnson. And you can suck it!

Oh! Oh, sh*t!

What would george hamilton do now, you assh*le?

You gonna put on a zorro mask and f*ck him?

Oh, there you are.

Oh.

I was gonna take a walk.

I made it from the bedroom to the patio.

God! I'm huge!

Not for much longer.

No, soon I'll be a new mommy... Again.

And married... Again.

Again again, actually.

And you are ecstatic.

Ecstatic.

And huge.

And beautiful...

And radiant.

What does this...

Mrs. Esteban reyes...

Do?

Whatever she wants.

I know I'm pregnant and hormonal.

I just keep thinking this mrs. Esteban reyes person is going to k*ll nancy botwin.

Why must you always think someone's trying to k*ll you?

Look, it's just a name.

I'm not marrying the name.

I'm marrying you.

If you want to be nancy botwin...

Keep your name.

Really?

I'm still going to brand you, of course, but...

...sure.

Time to go fence.

Have fun, d'artagnan.

See you next time.

Wow.

This is...

You got a pool and everything, huh?

No peacocks, but I suppose they could be roosting.

You don't look so good, my friend.

Right on.

Well, ignacio said he thought nancy might be down here, but, uh, she's not.

You fence, huh? Tool.

I fence a bit. You?

I have no formal training...

Per se...

But, uh...

I was ren mar jcc lightsaber battle champ...

...'79 To '82.

That brings back some memories.

So, congratulations.

Thank you.

You're a lucky man, esteban.

Just thought I'd come down, give you and nancy my blessing, say there's no hard feelings.

Hard feelings?

About what?

Nothing. Forget it.

Tell me, what is that strange sound you're making?

What... That's not how it's done in mexico?

You guys don't have sound effects there?

Well... If you care for a friendly bout, I will show you how it's done in mexico.

Oh, well...

Yeah, all right, yeah.

En garde.

Okay.

God damn it!

Aah! Whoa, whoa, whoa!

What's going on?

Uh... Andy is giving us his blessings.

So...

You and esteban tying the knot, taking the plunge, buying the cow.

Yeah.

Seems kind of sudden.

Well, it's not, which you would know if you ever called me back.

Did you get my messages?

I got your note.

Said everything I needed to hear.

A note, nance, seriously?

A note?

So, is this what you want?

Should've known.

You always seem to get what you want.

Oh, I wanted judah to outlive me.

Yeah.

So, my blessing... You want that, too?

You don't have to. I mean...

No. Great and careful work, nance.

Barukh atah adonai eloheinu melekh ha'olam, she'hechiyanu v'kiy'manu v'higi'anu la'z'man ha'ze.

I know the "god" part.

What's the rest?

"Blessed are you who has kept us alive, sustained us, and enabled us to reach this season."

I'm sorry, andy.

I'm sorry that...

Everything...

Don't, okay?

Don't.

And, hey...

God bless.

But when esteban dies...

Which in his line of work will probably be sooner rather than later...

When he dies and you're once, twice, three times a widow...

...don't expect uncle andy to stop by and make pizza eggs, 'cause I won't do it.

You know what I'll do?

Send a note.

What the hell are you doing?!

Trying to get this damn tan off.

f*ck george hamilton.

He can "love at first bite" me.

You are a sad, sad man.

Esteban...

¿Que crees que estas haciendo, eh?

¿Ya fuiste de mas el lo lejos no crees?

¿Una cosa que tengas un aventura con una pincha gringa?

Yo te cosas... Bueno, hasta que tengas un hijo con ella.

¿Pero casarte? ¿Estas loco?

Todos los ojos de mexico estan puestos en ti.

Todas mis esperanzas, mi esfuerzo, mi dinero, mi tiempo estan puestos en ti.

Tuvieras mataba la pincha gringa puta cuando...

¿Tratando decir que tengo escoger entre ustedes y nancy?

No, esteban.

Dice tratando decir que tienes que escoger entre tu y la gringa.

What the f*ck was that?

We cannot get married.

Excuse me?

Things have changed.

I'm sorry.