05x10 - Perro Insano

[bunniefuu]

Previously on "weeds"...

Do me up.

I sold you an eight ball yesterday.

I need another one.

How much you got?

My fiance said the funniest thing.

You asked him to k*ll some loco d.e.a. Agent?

Gee, thanks. You did me a solid.

We can't get our weed back without a court order.

I will help you after I slam his d*ck in this drawer.

I can do this.

I can sell a lot more makeup if I give a free gift.

Oh, no. I-i-i can't steal their weed.

No, you just tell them that you got ripped off.

I've got a crooked d*ck, and there's no pot?

It wasn't my fault.

Eighths go in the compacts.

Half-ounces in the eye-shadow kit.

Everyone, let's see that plastic.

Adios, losers. New condo.

Did this all on my own selling you're pretty! Cosmetics.

May I help you, sir?

I want to make a lot of money selling your face chemicals.

You think you can handle a full order?

Damn right, full order. Fill me up.

After the election, we will be married and be a family.

What election? I'm running for gobernador.

Tuvieras mataba la pincha gringa puta...

What the f*ck was that?

Her name is pilar zuazo.

She is just protecting my public image.

This little milk ball was a mistake.

I am the father of this child.

Not according to your dear friend pilar.

I couldn't put esteban's name on the birth certificate.

So you put my name on it.

You're a frozen margarita, andy, and I'm a doctor.

Why did you even agree to go out with me?

I'm fascinated by how all this is gonna play out with the gangster baby-daddy.

Marry me. Let's go downstairs for a minute.

What are they saying?

Get the f*ck out there and find out what's going on.

I love you, and you love me.

So I am here, and I am not leaving.

Mom?

Oh, my god! Oh, my f*cking god! Is he all right?!

Look at all my blood, mom.

Is it just his arm? There's...

There's... There's blood!

I can't even feel it.

There's two holes. One in, one out.

It's through the meat. It missed the bone.

Is that a good thing?

Put our people on the street! Bring me a name!

You don't sh**t at a man in front of his family.

It sounded like a slap.

He slapped me with a b*llet, mom. Isn't that weird?

Shane, it's weird, and it's f*cked up, and it's scary, and I want to go to the f*cking hospital right f*cking now!

Hospitals report b*llet wounds to the police.

I don't care! I don't care!

Nancy, nancy. I need a vodka.

A doctor all of a sudden?

A nurse. In the army.

Like "hot lips" houlihan?

"Caliente lips."

Aah! f*ck you!

f*ck your mom in the ass with a screwdriver!

Wh... Wh... What was that?

The sh**t.

f*cking "a."

I don't get it. I've been at this all morning.

I found a high-volume area, followed the script.

What am I doing wrong?

This is our corner. Get your own.

Oh, cram it, brownie.

I told you, I'm a nature scout.

I know what I said.

No one wants your crap. Go away.

We're trying to send goats to african people.

They already have goats.

Not these goats.

You pinch one more of my sales, and I'm gonna flick you in the god nipple.

It's called a bindi.

Everyone knows it's "bindi."

Oh.

I love you're pretty! Cosmetics.

Really? Do you know celia hodes?

Buying from her.

Yeah, celia... Love that woman.

This is the same stuff. Really?

Yep. Oh, perfect!

Yesterday, I bought two eye-shadow kits, and I am already out, so I'll take two more.

Oh!

Two eye-shadow kits in one day? Wow, that is hot.

My husband would k*ll me if he knew how much I spent...

On weed.

Yeah, right.

Wait, what... What are you talking about?

What are you talking about?

Um...

What are you talking about?

She thinks you're selling pot like your friend, you f*cking idiot.

Well, it's been a while since my trauma rotation, but I'd say you got pretty lucky here.

I mean, if you're gonna get sh*t, it's good to get sh*t the way you got sh*t.

You didn't tell your mom about me sending you out there, did you?

I like the bandages. That audra does nice work, hmm?

Percocet for the pain.

Take it easy with these, okay? They're not mentos.

Ha! That's a lot!

I'm just gonna take two for my headache.

Maybe three.

Did she ask about me?

You take this. You watch movies.

You feel better about your arm, life, everything.

All I'm saying is that every time I think sh*t can't get more f*cked up, sh*t gets way more f*cked up.

I want to go float in lake esteban.

That pool's got a tide.

And me floating in it...

Like a leaf through a filter.

Or a bug.

Please don't tell anyone I was a nurse.

No one gets inside. No one gets near you.

Do you like my watch? It's yours.

They will tease me.

Say "medic."

I'm sorry.

Why?

Because you got hurt.

I'm okay.

Shane, you got sh*t.

It was bound to happen sooner or later.

No, it's not supposed to happen at all. It's not.

"When is he gonna get sh*t?"...

It's not something that crosses your mind when you're pretending to be the tooth fairy.

It was this thing that happened today.

Other things happen other days. Things will happen tomorrow.

You're not getting hurt again. I promise you.

I'm fine.

Shane. Shane, look at me.

You're never getting hurt again.

You should be worrying about stevie ray.

He's just a baby.

But you're still my baby.

Think I can have that sandwich now?

Yeah.

Oh, please.

Like I give a sh*t!

You're a hard man to find.

What are you doing?

It's a cup.

Of course.

I need a hookup.

Turn around. Let me see the culo.

Oh, kiss my culo. I'm looking for drogas.

Weed. Not mexi-d*ck.

I need a steady supply, and I'm not talking nickel and dime bags here.

I'm big.

Getting bigger. Major league.

So, you cut me a deal now, and later, I'll let you be my heavy.

You can sniff out all the assholes in my life and then bury them in the yard.

Iseñores y señoras, bienvenidos a supermatch!

What's my cut?

10% Bonus after first delivery.

Got to go.

12%? 12%.

15%?

17.5%!

20%.

Fine.

Give me a call in a couple days. I'll have it ready.

Iestuvo amarrado y encerrado por mucho tiempo!

El es perro insano!

That b*llet was meant for me, wasn't it?

You need to take your family and leave.

So, no need to keep me in suspense.

Who wants me dead?

A person who will not stop until she gets what she wants.

You cannot k*ll pilar.

You'd be sh*t before you even got close.

Why don't I start with the person who's been reporting to her?

What do you think esteban's gonna do when he finds out you set up the mother of his only son?

Think it through.

Why didn't you just let it happen?

I realized your death would be the end of him.

His happiness is my happiness.

That's pretty gay, nurse cesar.

I tell you what... I'm gonna forget your momentary lapse in loyalty.

You spared my life, I'm sparing yours.

But you owe me big-time, and you hurt my kid.

So, count to three. Are you right-handed?

Count!

One...

Two...

Three.

Oh, there you are! Jesus, andy. Heart att*ck.

You're stealing from a drug lord.

Bold. Hot.

My clinic has to fight for every cotton swab.

This stuff is just sitting here. Don't rat me out.

What's my silence worth to you?

How about patching up your 14-year-old nephew's b*llet wound and neglecting to report it to the police?

No, not enough.

You also have to go out with me to hear music... Jazz.

Jazz? Really? You like jazz?

For sure.

Name one jazz musician.

Dr. Teeth.

He's a muppet. He's a jazz muppet.

Pass.

What? Wait, wait. Whoa, whoa.

So, you... You reject me over chips and salsa, then you flirt with me at little stevie's weenie roast, and now I'm asking you on a proper, sophisticated jazz date, and you pass?

I was too harsh on the date, so I gave you a second look, and you look good.

But then I looked closer, and that's when I saw it.

What? A cancerous mole or something?

How long have I got, doc?

Give it to me straight.

You're hung up on nancy.

What? Oh, god. No, no, no, no.

It's complicated.

I'm... We're family. I'm her baby-daddy.

Ink, not sperm. Meaningless.

I'm trying to man up.

So, yeah, maybe I'm a little tangled in nancy's drama, but it's a fledgling effort.

Jesus, audra, why are you sh1tting all over my effort?

Is this an occupational hazard... Aborting everything?

It's not a life yet, andy.

Oh, you're just making excuses.

This is why you're single.

You're a hot doctor, but you're alone 'cause you're always making excuses instead of taking a risk.

This is a pretty valid f*cking excuse.

Oh. You said "f*cking." I'm telling.

Goodbye, andy.

Dr. Lehman.

Jesus, another one?

Are you stealing?

Is it really hurting?

I can set up a movie for you.

Maybe I can find a p*rn channel.

I get it.

If I got sh*t in my jerk-off arm, I would be mad, too.

I'm not mad.

How many pills did you take?

None.

Well, that's dumb.

I'll get you a glass of water.

Hey, give me your pills. I'll open them.

No.

Why have them if you won't take them?

Because... They're mine.

I like the way it feels.

Like a Kn*fe popping the same balloon over and over, only you don't have to blow up a new one.

I can make the pain go away anytime with a pill, but I don't want to.

I don't have to think about anything else.

It's great.

Yeah...

Great.

Well... That's the last of it.

Who knew you had so much stuff?

Thank you for helping me move in, dean.

I really appreciate it.

What's 12 flights of stairs between partners?

Exactly. And we could not risk using the elevator.

There's an elevator?

Where did those idiots get all this pot, anyhow?

Some guy named "the wizard."

Whoa. Check it out.

Four dead bolts.

Steel-reinforced hinges.

Coded entry system!

You've really got this place locked down.

Plus, there's a security guard downstairs, and channel 3 on the television picks up a live feed of the front gate.

I am protecting our investment.

You are scary-good at this.

Thank you. I know.

What if I need to get in?

Maybe you need a secret knock.

Really?

Cool. Like what?

I don't know.

Maybe you should make one up.

Okay. Um, oh, I got one.

How's that?

Celia?

Security, there's a sweaty jew in my hallway.

How much? A lot of money.

It'll be your bank account.

You can access it with an atm card from any country.

Also... Mom...

Pick a place, somewhere far.

Are you serious? Europe. Go to europe.

Western europe. The food's better.

Amsterdam?

Sure, amsterdam. Start there. I'll get you a euro pass.

You can go to museums, stay in hostels, seduce traveling australians.

What's the catch?

There is no catch.

This is what you do when you're young.

You travel through europe with a backpack.

Someone in this family should be doing something normal.

Why not you?

I have been replaced as candidate for governor.

You leave tomorrow.

It was celia! She forced me to lie!

I didn't want to do it.

Uh-huh, and what did she promise you? Sex? Money.

No, she...

Come to think of it, she never promised me anything.

Betrayer. Cock-breaker. How could you do this?

I didn't have a choice.

I am belly-up, buddy.

You put a key on my kite in a shitstorm.

I dropped 5 grand on lip liner!

You took away my business!

My splooge doesn't want to come out!

It's stuck in a pocket between my balls!

Well, how do you think I feel, huh?

She squeezed me out!

I was gonna be a drug kingpin. I was gonna be tony montana.

I got nothing!

What's with all the moving boxes?

I got to give up the space. I can't afford to keep it.

This a fresh pot?

Yeah.

She looted me, buddy.

Want to call the feds?

I'd be disbarred.

I'd be fine.

Hey, we're in this together.

Not until we're even.

Even?

Yeah. Teeny deany.

Dip 'em in. What?

Whip 'em out. Dip 'em in.

Are you out of your f*cking mind? Get away from me with that.

You want to go up against celia? You're gonna need my help.

Drop the pants. Dunk the dean nuts.

My bal... No, not my balls.

Yes, balls, and I see you trying to get hard.

Unh-unh. No way. Flaccid in the acid.

But... Dunk!

You have the votes.

Why aren't you fighting? You could win.

I don't know. Pilar has an army.

You have the people.

In america, we call it "wagging the dog."

Well, in my country, dogs travel in packs.

So, that's it? She wins?

Yeah. She won.

Now we can be married and have a beautiful, lavish wedding with all our friends and family.

And I will feed you cake.

Small ceremony, no friends, limited family.

Chocolate cake. Entenmann's.

I cannot put you and your family in any more danger.

So you would run if it wasn't for me, if you didn't have a family?

I did not say that.

And you would win.

Yes. I would win.

Then do it.

So, I gave it some thought, and I respectfully...

Decline your offer.

No, you're not declining. No.

I'm not going.

This is not up for discussion.

Esteban's decided to run for governor independently.

I'll be sure and wear his campaign t-shirt.

Which means you not here, which means one son less to keep track of, to worry about.

Shane's here. Stevie's here.

They're kids. You're old enough to take care of yourself.

Your brothers will be fine.

Say "excuse me."

No.

I'm announcing in a week.

You should be gone before then.

Listen to him.

Uh, I appreciate you being preemptive, for once in our lives, but...

How is it that I have to beg an 18-year-old to travel europe with a wad of cash and my blessing?

How is it that you expect me to believe that my brothers will be fine?

No one is fine around you.

So I'm staying.

Here. In this house.

This beer's warm! Someone get me another!

Where's the f*cking staff?

I have thirst!

No more beer!

And you better protect us.

I can do that.

He can do that.

So, I'll...

Move my sh*t in.

The two of you can stop dicking around already and get married, and on we'll go...

One big, happy.

Get in the pool, fags!

You're early. I'm not even dressed yet.

What's that?

Wedding present.

I filled out all the forms to put esteban's name on the birth certificate, so sign them and we're done.

You didn't make a registry, so this will have to do.

I actually did make a registry... Weeks ago.

Williams-sonoma. We could use a new tortilla warmer.

I'll get right on that.

Are you sure about this?

Yes.

Do you have, um, a plan?

I'm gonna go back to the house and spread out my life like a map, deliberate on the topography, chart my path, maybe call a girl who calls me on my sh*t.

You love him. You're going down a road.

I-i'm going down a road.

I think I'm happy for you.

I think I'm happy for you, too.

See you downstairs?

Guess you and I are husband and wife...

For the next... 15 Minutes.

Want to f*ck?

You in my f*ck trailer.

I just had a baby, you know.

It'd be like throwing a hot dog down a hallway.

You got to work those kegels.

You know, I got a cousin...

She practiced putting pressure on a cucumber every day.

And then she stopped 'cause it got stuck in there.

And three months later, a pickle fell out.

I'll have to try that.

You know, I could f*ck you in the ass.

That's tempting. But I'm not here to socialize.

No? Then why are you here?

Pilar zuazo.

I want her dead.

Cake?