05x12 - Glue

[bunniefuu]

Previously on "weeds"... Get down!

Mom.

I'm sorry.

Why?

Shane, you got sh*t. I'm okay.

I f*cked up my kids.

Whoa. Who's that?

This is adelita.

Our stepsister.

Hey, adelita.

I hear silas tried to hit on her.

Why is that so funny?

He's not, um, exactly in her division.

Weed. I need a steady supply.

And I'm not talking nickel and dime bags here.

She squeezed me out. I was gonna be a drug kingpin.

You two idiots want to get back at mom, right?

Yeah. All right, then. Let's do this right.

What's that? I filled out all the forms to put esteban's name on the birth certificate.

Do you have, um... A plan?

Maybe call a girl who calls me on my sh*t.

You're a frozen margarita, andy, and I'm a doctor.

Why did you even agree to go out with me?

I'm fascinated by how all this is gonna play out with the gangster baby-daddy.

The people have spoken.

They support esteban reyes for governor.

Look at him. That's what he's meant to be doing.

Esteban reyes? Si.

Are you drinking?

Yes, shane, I am drinking.

I've been drinking all night.

Can't seem to get drunk.

Why?

Don't know. Not for lack of effort.

I can tell you that.

I mean, why have you been drinking all night?

Because that's what I do when my husband...

God, it feels weird to say that.

I'm drinking because they took him away in handcuffs and I'm waiting for cesar to find out who "they" are, where he is, why his phone is off, and whether or not I'm a widow... Again.

Which of his many crimes did they arrest him for?

I don't know.

Do you think pilar set him up?

I don't know, shane. They just took him away.

About f*cking time.

Don't you ever wish that you could go back to right after dad d*ed and do things differently?

I try not to think about it.

I think about it a lot.

Yeah?

Okay.

I-i'm coming now.

I'll f*cking gps it, cesar.

The policia judicial are holding him.

Should you be driving?

Probably not.

You've got to be f*cking kidding me.

Seriously, mom, you're losing it.

Au contraire... I'm on top, and I am staying on top this time, like nancy.

In fact, I'm gonna out-nancy nancy.

Is that why you're dressed like a prost*tute?

See, nancy had the right idea.

Life is not about making good choices in order to get good things.

Life is about admitting what you want and not being afraid to take it.

So... I'm off to meet my connection, swap this cheddar for some heady nuggets, and then perhaps I'll eat a salad and get my sapphic freak on.

I actually threw up into my nose that time.

Well, you know, throwing up is slimming down.

Oh, wait!

Before you go, there was a detective downstairs asking about you.

A black guy... Brown fedora, leather jacket.

Mentioned your name, flashed a badge.

Maybe he thinks you're turning tricks.

Yeah. Maybe.

Well, have fun with the whole nancy envy and the drug deal and the taking and the wanting and the not being afraid.

No consequences, no regrets.

Have you seen yourself in that dress?

One regret.

One big-haired, big-boned, big loudmouthed regret.

Some idiot is standing in front of the car.

Oh, that's no idiot. That's my...

Actually, you're right.

I... I was parking.

When you were pulling away, I was all, "hey, nance!"

But you couldn't hear me, so I started running, which is harder than it looks.

Should I keep driving? Yeah.

Yeah, sure.

On a bit of a buzz here...

Adrenaline rush or... Anticipation.

I'm a man on a mission, nance.

I'm a man with a plan.

"What could that plan be?" She asks herself, intrigued, yes, perhaps even captivated by the...

Shut... Up!

Okay, here goes. I'm gonna ask...

You never listen. I listen!

I'm trying to tell you something big...

You're like a child yanking on my...

...that's happening in my life.

Oh. Major life event for andy? Nice.

You going to candy mountain?

It doesn't always have to be about you.

Today it does. Today it's about...

There are other people in the world.

You don't even ask. You don't!

People with lives of their own, hopes...

"Hey, where are you going? Why so serious?" ...dreams.

"Something bothering you?"

Something's always bothering you.

My husband... God, that sounds weird! It does sound weird.

...is being held somewhere by somebody for some reason.

Held? Okay, that's major.

I kind of don't know if I'm ever gonna see him again.

I kind of don't even know if my children are safe.

I kind of don't even know what's happening in my life, so I kind of don't give a sh*t about your shenanigans.

"Shenanigans" is a bit rough.

I'm sorry about esteban.

I'm sure he'll be okay. He's too big to fail.

I'm sorry I shenanigan'ed your major life event.

What is it?

I'm going to candy mountain. You're right.

Come on.

I'll tell you later.

You just made a huge deal about it...

Mission, running, mystery.

No, it's nothing, really. Oh, spill it.

I'm gonna ask audra to marry me.

I want to give her my mom's engagement ring, the ring that judah gave you.

So, can I have it?

What's with the lockdown?

The suited ogres won't let me leave.

Ask your mother. She gave orders.

Yeah, she does that.

Made a mess of my plans.

She does that, too.

I was gonna go jogging.

Jogging.

It helps me... Clear my mind.

Clear your mind of what?

Don't be so serious about everything.

Since I can't leave, some friends are coming over for a little party.

You should join us.

Hang out, loosen up...

Clear your mind.

Cool.

But, uh...

You might want to change your clothes.

Yeah.

Numero ciento quince. Numero ciento quince.

He is in this building.

I will find out why. You will wait here.

I'm going with you.

It's better for me to go alone.

The local color is not white.

Okay, I found "siempre mujer,"

"Tvynovelas,"

And, for the rare english-speaking customer, "woman's you-niverse," from july 1974.

"I was frigid. Now hear me roar."

"The diet that makes you grow younger."

"Is bisexuality thinkable?"

Can I please have the ring? I know it's bad timing.

I'm still processing, and, yes, this is incredibly bad timing.

It was bubbie's.

It went to my father, to my mother, to judah, and then to you.

It has history. It has meaning.

It's free.

"Are you truly in love?"

Yes, without a doubt.

I'm not asking. I'm reading aloud.

Magazine quiz.

You never even wear it.

Judah gave it to me.

Eh, and esteban gave you a new one.

We must go to the sixth floor, speak with a registration clerk.

Let's go.

We need a pass.

Where do we get a pass?

We get a number.

What number did we get?

167.

Numero ciento dieciseis. Numero ciento dieciseis.

Here. Buy a better number.

All right, let's do the "truly in love" quiz...

Winner take all, and by "all," I mean that ring.

Quizzes are bullshit. And it's 1974.

Do the criteria for amor ever really change or are you just worried that my love for audra is like a red, red rose?

Question number one.

Bring it on!

"When you're away from your love and you think of him, do you feel... 'A, ' joyful, 'b, ' sad, 'c, ' lonely, or, 'd, ' horny?"

You smell like... You won.

Perro insano always triumphs!

Actually, you were defeated by el conductor on two separate occasions.

No more autograph for you.

Get out of here!

So, how does this work?

Leave your bag of money. Take my bag of weed.

Simple enough.

Where you going?! Uh, wrong wrestler.

I know where you live, bitch!

Question 27.

"Friendship in true love is...

"An overblown concept, a fundamental concept, a waste of time, a bonus?"

I'm glad you asked that.

This would go a lot faster if you'd just answer the questions.

I do answer the questions.

No. You... You... You discuss.

It's fricking multiple choice.

I feel there are certain nuances that merit examination.

Oh, here we go.

What? This.

You and esteban aren't friends?

I... We're friends, I guess.

You don't know. You don't think it's important?

No. I don't know. It's not something that comes up.

'Cause I think it's fundamental.

Fundamental was one of the f*cking choices.

Friends and lovers can watch a movie or something, play cards, dominoes. Oh, sit in the dark and not talk?

Dominoes? Otherwise, it's just about sex.

Oh, it's always about sex with you.

That's not... That's not fair. Bet you spent a couple of days banging this chick.

One day. Now you think you got to get married.

I don't think that. I'm gonna do it.

When? Tomorrow!

That's... That's why I want the ring.

Tomorrow.

Jesus, andy, you just...

I mean, you're not in love with this person.

What if I am?

What if this is my sh*t for a nice, normal life with a doctor and a family of my own?

Hello?

Nancy, it's me. I-i-i-i need help.

I'm hanging up now.

No! Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!

The cops are after me, okay?

It's not safe to use my cellphone.

I've had way too much caffeine, and now I have to piss like a racehorse.

I don't know how you drank all those lattes and didn't wet yourself.

Goodbye, celia.

No, just... Just tell me...

Where do I hide out when the heat is on?

Do I go home? Do I motel? Mexico?

Can't really recommend mexico at the moment.

Okay, well, i-i-i'm... I'm not going back to the slammer.

Would you say friendship is a fundamental part of true love?

What?

If you want my help, answer the f*cking question.

Uh, um, uh, i, uh...

Wrong answer. Have fun in jail.

What's going on?

Esteban is not on this floor.

You said six. This is six.

We must go up to 11, criminal division.

Is he under arrest?

Held for questioning.

Questioning... Might be a ray of sunshine there.

If we squint.

So, uh, silas, are you from l.a.?

North of there, actually.

Like malibu?

Like agrestic.

Where did you prep?

Agrestic... High.

Hmm.

Public institution of learning, cabron.

Hey, there's nothing wrong with public schools.

Then why did your dad send you to dana hall?

So she wouldn't get boned by public d*ck, cabron.

Huh? I'm just playing, adelita.

¿Hey, tienes papel de aluminio?

¿Cuanto necesitas?

So, eh, silas...

Uh, you want to smoke?

I'll smoke some weed. All out.

But I do have some delightful heroin.

Number 43.

"What is the glue that holds your relationship together for life?"

I don't even need to hear the choices.

I'm gonna go with elmer's.

Mm-hmm. Glib, and not a choice.

Love is a choice, a choice that I'm making.

And now you'll tell me why.

Well, uh, 'cause I believe that true love can overcome any problem.

That's fairy-tale stuff, not real life.

All I know is...

Audra makes me feel like every other woman in my life was wrong, a mistake.

How about judah? Was he a mistake?

There are different loves, different marriages, and they're not ranked.

I have been married for 27 years.

We have three beautiful children and a deep, abiding love, but our glue's made from sharing, connecting, communicating, and I never bring my work home.

The jungle fuzz! sh*t! f*ck!

I should be...

Hiding.

Good idea.

Ow. That's a f*cking hard door, man.

Ow.

We're talking about my husband.

I am trying to find...

Look, we're told that you have him back there.

Can you just...

My husband, okay?! The father of my child!

We have a baby!

I-i need you to help me.

I want to talk to somebody who speaks english. ¿Que?

I want to talk to somebody who speaks f*cking english!

Let me deal with this. Go sit down.

Getting angry is not going to help.

You ever want to go back and do things differently?

Yeah, I want to teleport to 1974.

"What to wear to an orgy."

Apparently, the presence of underwear signals your desired level of participation.

You've moved on from your lame quiz? Oh, no!

No, no. I'm not giving up on that.

I'm totally kicking your ass.

Read.

Number 65.

"At our core, the search for true love is driven by...

"Passion, need for sex, "need for financial and emotional support, "or, 'd'...

"The basic human need to feel connected and leave the prison of aloneness?"

These f*cking dicks are still here?

My thoughts exactly.

They smoked heroin.

You smoked heroin?

No.

Nope to dope and ugh to dr*gs...

Deputy dog.

I took it to heart.

Except for weed.

A ver.

Her friends suck.

She kind of sucks.

Great, and there are two more just like her in france who could drop by at anytime.

The potential for douche-bag party buds is exponential.

Want some?

Why not?

Here's to this thing we're doing now here in this ridiculous place.

Thanks... For not leaving.

I know you could have.

I'm actually leaving tomorrow.

Shut up.

Will you look at this sh*t?

Should we do something? She's totally out of it.

Apparently, these are the guys her dad wants her to f*ck, so...

Oh, sh*t.

Don't tell anyone I was noble.

Hey! Come on! Let's go!

Party's over. Out.

Get up!

Out!

Hey, hey. Hey.

Don't worry, agrestic?

Back of the line, public.

Hey!

sh*t.

Why are you still here?

No.

Run, dummy.

Okay, okay!

Badass m*therf*cker!

Summer school.

Okay. The results are in.

Oh, goodie.

Okay.

Andy...

Me... 89!

"You understand what love is and are truly in love!"

That's nice.

Guess they didn't count your orgy fixation against you.

I guess not.

Nancy bot...

Yikes... 62.

Bullshit!

"Don't feel bad.

"You still have the chance

"To reexamine your priorities and understanding of love in order to make a positive change in your life."

Or I could k*ll myself.

Oh, look, it's a silly quiz, you know?

It doesn't necessarily mean anything.

Obviously.

For you, I mean. For me, it's pretty accurate.

Because... Because you're truly in love.

Truly in love. That's right.

For now.

Why do you have to do that?

I know you. This is what you do.

You... You love to be loved.

You pull all this love in.

You... You build it all up in your head.

And when it gets too close, you run.

I just want the ring, nance.

You can spare me all the brilliant insight.

Andy...

You're not gonna give it to me.

Wow.

You cannot get it together to treat me like somebody you actually care about.

That's not it.

You're a f*cking coward.

Do you know that?

You think that all this crazy sh*t you get into makes you brave, but you're f*cking terrified of being ordinary.

I would love... To be ordinary.

I would love to be back in agrestic waiting for judah to come home.

You b*rned that town to the ground and your house.

Yeah. Yeah, I did that. You did that.

I made some sacrifices for my family. Fine.

No, no, no. What you sacrificed was your family.

That's what you did.

Look where you are.

Are you watching shane play soccer?

No, 'cause you f*cked that up.

Don't sit here and tell me you want to be someone else when you do f*ck all to change what's going on.

It's your turn.

I'm sorry.

There's nothing more I can do to help you.

You can tell me where he is.

We're closing. The whole building is.

It's 4:00. It's 4-f*cking-o'clock!

That clock is broken.

Tell me where he is. I don't know!

Tell me where he is. Tell me where he...

Tell me where he is!

Okay!

Thank you.

He's not here.

What?

He was released four hours ago.

Stop!

Ohh! Ay-yi-yi!

Look, i-i... You know that I don't like you, and I know that you don't like me, but I need your help.

I have this bag full of plants.

I need it gone.

Exactly.

No, I will not suck your d*ck.

Bingo!

I'd appreciate it if you didn't ask my mom to blow you in front of me.

Had to, or she would have known something was up, right dark and lovely?

Word.

Why are you still dressed like that?

Yeah, why... Why are you, tito?

Thought I might go out for a bit.

White women been sweating me all day.

I'm gonna hit a hot spot, turn it loose.

Turn what loose... Your small white penis?

You're gonna get your ass kicked. No, it's cool.

Robert downey jr. Opened the door.

Now, I'm gonna walk through that door, get me some bathroom sex at applebee's.

Mm. That might actually work. Yeah!

Hey, where's the rest of my yo' pretty at?

You know what, I could use a little more snake bite, I think, for my lips.

What do you think?

I'll let the hospital know you're coming.

You're drinking?

Are you kidding me?

Yes, I am...

Drinking, not kidding.

Oh, count me in.

Where's silas?

Holding adelita's hair while she pukes.

I get five feet in the door and sh*t's already falling apart.

Relax.

We're celebrating the big announcement.

What big announcement?

I'm getting married.

What?

Don't listen to him. He's high on infatuation.

No, look. There's el governor to be with pilar.

He's back on the ticket.

She pulled him back in.

Are you really getting married, andy?

Yes, he is, and he's using my ring...

With my blessing.

Congratulations.

Congratulations.