05x09 - Pie

[bunniefuu]

Rise and shine, morning glories.

First day of production.

Wake up!

Wake up. Baby bro starts sh**ting today.

We all need to be up to support him.

Hell, I'm up!

Whoa! You are now, son.

Let's go, manager.

Your number-one client starts sh**ting today.

I don't think you want to miss it. Jesus.

Baby bro. Baby bro.

Yeah, Johnny.

How'd you get down here?

I've been up for hours. You blew right past me.

Really? Yup.

Ready for work today? Getting there.

You want me to make you anything special for breakfast?

No, I'm okay. I'm not really hungry.

Not hungry?

Hopefully it's just first day jitters, bro.

Leave him alone, Drama. He's fine.

He barely slept last night, now he doesn't want to eat.

He's not fine.

Here, drink a Powerade, bro. No thanks.

Get your electrolytes up. No thank you.

This is not the best way to start the most important job of your career.

You trying to freak him out? No, I'm trying to calm him.

Yeah, well, you're not. You're making us all crazy.

Nah, he's not getting crazy. Vince ain't like us, E.

He's cool as ice, right?

Actually, I am a bit nervous.

God damn it, I knew it. Will you shut up, Drama, please?

You shut up. What's the problem, Vin?

I don't know. I just feel a bit off.

I haven't been on a set in over a year.

It's like riding a bike. You just do what you do.

Verner hasn't even had a second to talk to me about my character.

Can you even understand that guy?

Sounds like a cat with a German hairball.

The guy's won two foreign Academy Awards.

He's a good director. Really good.

So this is all good? It's all good.

What's your first scene? Entering the brush with Jason Patric.

Nice. I like Jason Patric.

You know, when he was doing "Rush" he stuck real needles in his arm to prep.

That's what inspired me to do real coke when I did the Menendez Brothers movie.

Weren't you an extra on that?

So? Still kept it real like J. P. Does.

Okay, now you're freaking me out, Johnny.

Sorry, bro.

Don't worry about it, Vince. It's gonna be like all the other movies you've done. Only a little bit bigger.

11 and 15, fire.

Six, seven, fire.

22, 24. Holy sh*t.

Fire 45 to 60.

Fire.

Okay, number 60, fire. Jesus.

Camera three and two, closer, closer.

Okay, all choppers, now follow me.

This is gonna be sick.

Any word from the forest?

Vince got his start gift and he says thank you.

Great. What did I get him?

A sea salt scrub from Bliss Spa.

Are you kidding me? Yes, of course I am.

You got him a jet ski for the lake out there.

Great. I have amazing taste.

Good work, Lloyd. What's my fortune cookie tell me?

That you've got lunch with Andrew Klein and that you cannot...

Cancel it. You cannot cancel it.

I'm the boss. I can do whatever I want.

Ari, you've canceled on him six times already.

You can't cancel again. I don't want to sit at lunch with him.

It makes me sad. Why?

Because it reminds me of what I might've become.

A TV lit agent in Encino. You did not become that, Ari.

So sit at lunch with him and feel good about that.

You sit at lunch with him knowing you could be him one day if you don't listen to me. When do I not listen to you?

Right now when I'm telling you to cancel it.

Andrew Klein was once your close friend and mentor.

Now go reminisce and enjoy yourself because I'm not canceling.

Maybe put on a cheaper watch though so he doesn't feel too bad.

Run down to Geary's and get me a stainless Rolex.

I know what's in there waiting for me.

And nine other brave souls knew what was waiting for them.

There's no way I cannot go now.

Maybe try it with a little more emotion, bro.

I'm just memorizing, Johnny, thanks.

Saving it up for in front of the cameras, right, Vin?

Yup. Just checking.

We're ready for you, Mr. Chase.

Okay. Show time.

You know, you did mess up that one line, though.

I did? Yeah.

You said nine other brave souls as opposed to the eight other brave souls.

Oh, right. Obviously.

Jesus, when do I mess up lines?

Just write the number eight down on the inside of your palm.

This way you can just sneak a peek.

I do that sh*t all the time.

Or, who was number eight on the basketball team?

You were, Turtle. Think of that.

Good tip.

Vincent. Hey, Verner.

I thought you were shortening your hair.

I wasn't told. It's fine.

Doesn't matter. You ready to go?

Yeah, I'd love a minute to discuss what you want me to do with this character.

There's nothing to discuss. We sh**t it.

And if I don't like it I will tell you.

But I'm sure I will like it. Okay?

Okay. Jason!

Verner, is this pack regulation or what?

Yes, it is. Feels light to me.

No, it is the correct weight, Jason.

Do you know Vincent Chase?

Not personally. I'm a big fan. Yeah, me too.

What do you weigh, Vin?

Uh, 170.

You know, they offered me that Aquaman 2.

Really?

Not really.

Sequels, water, come on, my friend. It's not for me.

Well, me either, I guess.

That's funny.

Okay, let's sh**t. Aren't we gonna rehearse first?

No, we sh**t the rehearsal.

Love that!

Break a leg, bro. Knock 'em dead, Vince.

Cue the fire!

The fire's coming from the west.

The west winds are blowing out of control.

We'll have to bring in more men, sir.

There are no more men to bring in.

You know what's waiting in there for you.

And eight other brave souls knew what was waiting for them.

There's no way you can't go now.

That's Vince's line. Cut!

Perfect, let's move on.

One take? Yes!

Love that!

Ari.

Andrew. Hey.

Andrew. There he is.

Come here.

How are you, Andrew? Pretty good. Pretty good.

God, you look great.

Thank you. Try to keep healthy.

Yeah. Yeah, sure. You know.

Should we sit? Oh, yeah, sorry.

These f*ckers. They're not honoring my reservation.

So they're saying a table is gonna take about 30 minutes.

So I thought we'd just eat at the bar, if that's okay.

Bar is great.

Barkeep, can I have another Macallan 18 neat for my buddy here?

You're still drinking Scotch, I assume?

Not usually for lunch.

But it's a special occasion.

Come on. It's been a long time.

I remember the last time I had a drink with you I ended up covering your boss' phones while you f*cked that cocktail waitress you snuck into the mailroom. Remember that?

I could not believe the sounds coming out of that room.

Well, you know what? She did a nice job.

Did she? Yeah.

I'm so happy for you, believe me.

You almost got me fired. You remember that?

You accidentally dropped that conference call with John Ritter.

No, it was John Goodman. Was it?

Yeah, and I didn't feel badly at all.

I figured maybe I was doing you a favor.

I love it. Come here, you d*ck.

Oh, man. We had some good times.

Too many.

We should not let too much time pass this time.

No, for sure we shouldn't.

What's wrong? You all right?

Yeah, it's just, this wasn't just a friendly call.

Oh no?

How was lunch? Pricey.

In Encino? He needs a loan, Lloyd.

Oy. Half a mil.

Double oy. Well, you don't have to give it to him.

Yes I do. Andy and I were once brothers.

A twist of fate turned one of us into gold and one of us into, well, a broke, desperate, begging-for-money cocksucker.

What are those?

His books. Company books.

He gave them to me to prove that he could pay me back.

What am I doing? You're Asian, you're supposed to be good with numbers.

Figure out if he has any sh*t of paying me back.

Because if he doesn't, you will!

Maybe it was a mistake. Maybe.

Seems like an odd mistake.

The guy does a movie every five years.

Maybe he's trying to make up for it by saying extra words.

You got to talk to him. What am I gonna say?

Say, "Hey, Jason, you got a literacy problem or did you just steal my lines?"

What if he says I did? We may have to get tough with him.

I hear he's like a fifth-degree black belt.

I'll get tough. I'm just saying the guy's intense.

All right, relax. No one's getting tough. I'm sure it was an accident.

Yeah, a bad accident.

I mean, it was a major moment for my character to say I'm man enough to go into this fire.

And now I basically bail on it.

Why didn't the director say anything?

Why didn't anybody say anything?

The script supervisor? Nobody.

'Cause it's Jason Patric and everyone's scared of him.

But Turtle's right. You got to nip this in the bud.

That's how a star marks his territory.

Andrew Shue did the same thing to me on "Melrose."

How'd you stop him? I banged his girl.

What did that do? I don't know, but she was booming.

I'm gonna go talk to him.

Right behind you. Alone.

All right, Vin. Go get him.

Hey, remind him he got molested in "Sleepers."

That'll throw him off balance.

What?

Yeah, Jason, it's Vince.

Come in.

Hey, Vince. Hey.

Everything okay? Yeah.

I just wanted to talk about the scene.

Thank you. I feel good about it.

How do you feel you did?

I felt good. I just...

Good. I thought you were pretty good too.

Thank you. I did.

So I... You want a protein shake?

No, I'm... You should have a protein shake.

Juice, get him a shake. Just give him the pads.

So it's about the... Put 'em on.

I just wanted to talk to you about the lines.

Yeah, good ones, aren't they? Yeah.

A lot of 'em. Come on.

So if we... It's really hot in here.

Isn't it?

You know how hot it can get when wood combusts, don't you?

3000 degrees.

Hot.

I like to jack up the heat, acclimate my body a little bit, you know?

I'm good.

Okay, um, so...

Some life we're living, isn't it, Vince?

Some life.

I'm gonna do some crunches.

Okay.

You pussed out.

Yup.

Take longer, Lloyd. Seriously.

I'm almost finished. How big of a loser is he?

Andrew Klein is no loser, Ari.

Andrew Klein is a big winner. How so?

It looks like he just has a little cash flow problem brought on by the strike.

He quietly has a very nice business. Really?

Unless these books are cooked, I think he pays you back in full in 90 days.

Wow.

Did you know that he has over 50 writers staffed on TV shows?

That's unbelievable. He's an anonymous star, wrongly judged by the location of his office.

Jesus, he made some money last year, huh?

And paid some out. Look what his assistant made.

You want to work in the Valley, Lloyd? Mmm-hmm.

You know, Andrew Klein was me when we were younger.

We were the same. Rising stars.

Both made lots of money. Both got tons of p*ssy.

What happened? We both married too young.

I meant with work.

When Terrance and Jim Oliver split, they ended up dividing up the agency.

I went with Terrance, Andrew went with Jim.

Jim ended up ripping off all of his clients and his employees. And Andrew...

Never made it back to the big time again.

That's sad.

Get him on the phone. I want to have drinks tonight.

You're gonna give him the loan, Ari?

I'm gonna do a lot more than that, Lloyd.

I'm gonna give him a life.

Maybe someday you'll give me one too.

Ari Gold calling for Andrew Klein.

Verner.

This?

Okay, no problem.

All right, I used to have a chair with my name on it.

Oh, Jason, take mine. Take mine.

Juice, go get my chair.

Where? Just find it.

What are you smiling about?

Jesus. I love it.

I want everybody on this set to be aware that Mr. Jason Patric's seat back is missing.

I know you probably think that this will be a good souvenir to show your children someday, but to me it's a severe breach of trust.

I want you to return it immediately and everything will be forgotten.

If not and you're found out later, you will be treated as harshly as humanly possible.

Should I give it back? No way.

He just said if you give it back now he's not gonna...

He's German, Don't trust him.

E?

Hide it in Jason's trailer.

Hey, how's it going? Everything's good with us.

You good? Yeah, I'm feeling good.

Okay, people. Let's sh**t.

Vince, you drink the shake?

Uh, yeah, I... Fish oil in there.

Focus. You ready to make history?

Absolutely. Let's do it.

Come on.

Got to push the defensive line!

Sir. Sir, Malone is down I can't do it.

I keep thinking about Janine.

What kind of father would I be?

You'll be fine.

We're going in together and I will have your back.

I'm sorry, can we take it back? What?

That's Vince's line again. This guy's a klepto.

Don't cut. I'm really sorry.

It threw me a little when you said the "You'll be fine" line.

I thought it was me. Keep rolling, keep rolling.

Just go back. Okay, from "What kind of father?"

Action!

What kind of father would I be?

You'll... You'll be fine.

We're going in together and I will have your back.

This is nuts. Shue all over again.

And cut. Thank you, great.

Take five.

I'm not gonna end up saying a word in this movie.

You want me to go talk to Verner?

No, I'll do it.

So how is Marlo doing?

Well she's the same. Yeah?

Older, flabbier.

Didn't we swear that we wouldn't keep the women past 45?

My New Year's resolution since 1996.

But it never took.

How are the kids? The kids are great.

Yeah? No Hollywood for them.

God is on my side. You really don't love this town, huh?

I'm not really in this town, Ari.

I'm a subspecies all my own.

And you like that?

You know, yeah. It's been okay for me.

Really?

Okay, Ari, what are you doing to me?

Are you gonna make me beg? No, I'm not gonna make you beg.

Just remember when you wanted to buy your first car out here who cosigned the loan agreement.

Andrew...

I don't want to give you the loan.

All right, I understand. No hard feelings.

I want to buy your company.

Buy my company? Yeah.

Why would I want to sell?

So you can get back to the place that you were supposed to be.

I'm doing great. It's just a cash flow problem.

Andrew, you're like LeBron James if he was playing in Spain.

Sure people know he's good, but no one wants to eat paella while watching basketball.

I'm not gonna sell my company.

I understand if you don't want to give me a loan.

I want to give you a life, the life that you and I were supposed to have together.

You'll make more money, you'll have more responsibility, you'll feel better about yourself.

Ari. The loan is yours if you want it.

But there's a better offer on the table.

I need a drink.

Waiter, another Scotch.

Make it two, actually. Doubles.

Hey, how are you?

I have pages for Mr. Patric. You can leave those with me.

I'll make sure Mr. Patric gets them as soon as he comes out.

Okay.

Would you hurry up, Drama?

Easy does it, Turtle. Easy does it.

All you had to do was hide the chair back in there.

Come on.

I took the opportunity to inflict a little damage.

What kind of damage? The number two kind.

You took a sh*t in his trailer?

And sue me if I forgot to flush.

Are you serious?

Let's just say revenge is best served a la commode. Ugh, gross.

Then we have a track around there.

One crane there and one crane there.

Hi. Hey.

First day of sh**ting, we popped the cherry.

So how you feeling? I feel good.

Good. I know some actors can be thrown by my way of working.

You know, no rehearsals and such.

I totally understand. Everyone has their process.

Yes, it has worked very well for me in the past.

I think that the lack of preparation gives you a more natural performance.

Well, as long as you're happy.

I'm happy. But you seem troubled.

What's on your mind?

It's just a couple of my lines.

Your lines? You don't like them?

Oh no, actually I really love them.

It's just that Jason ended up saying them.

Oh, that. You're aware of it?

Of course I'm aware of it. It's my set.

I'm aware of everything that happens.

He's good. He's good too.

You, take him away.

You're not troubled by it? No.

When I got Jason to agree to do this I knew that I was hiring an actor that was very fiery and volatile, but also capable of a brilliant performance.

So what then?

So it means I have to pick my battles or I might lose them altogether.

What about me?

You, Vincent, you're stable.

I don't have to worry about losing you, do I?

I'm just afraid of losing my character if he doesn't go into that fire. You're not worried about that?

I actually think that when we get to that scene in the third act where you are overcome with smoke, I think your turning point will be much better, more interesting this way.

Really? Really.

So let me keep an eye on the big picture and you keep an eye on you.

Okay?

How'd it go?

I think old Verner's a bigger p*ssy than I am.

Someone's got to put a stop to this.

Juice!

f*cking flush.

Brad Pitt. No, that's not true.

Oh, which part isn't true?

You never could have signed him.

What are you talking about? It was 1989.

It was before they even wrote "Thelma and Louise" and you and I were sitting with him at Nikki Blair's and you said, and I quote here, "I don't see it."

I did not. Yes, you did.

You were with your wife. Oh sh*t.

That's right. He flirted with her.

That's why I said it.

Jesus Christ, Andrew. You're telling me.

I wish he'd f*cked her. sh*t, I wish he'd married her.

Honey, can I get a round here?

You want another sh*t at Brad Pitt?

No, Ari. That's not what I want anymore.

You're bullshitting me. What?

What? I am my own boss.

I come and go as I please. I answer to no one.

You answer to TV hacks.

And a glamorous night out is an invite to the Writer's Guild Awards.

You don't know what you're talking about.

I know that you repped Marc Cherry for a decade.

And it was the decade that he lived at home with his mom.

And I know that as soon as "Desperate Housewives" hit number one, he left you for that schmuck over at William Morris.

You stick with me and I swear to you no one will leave you again.

I can't even imagine trying to talk to these people anymore. I can.

I can imagine you selling them the way you sold me.

I mean, do you remember when I was gonna walk and go back to Chicago and become a lawyer?

The speech you gave me? It wasn't much of a speech.

I just said, "Do you really want to die a loser f*cking lawyer in Chicago?"

Do you really want to die a loser lit agent in the Valley?

Why are you really doing this, Ari?

Hmm? Guilt?

You feel bad 'cause I didn't end up where you are?

I mean, maybe it would have turned out this way anyway.

You know? Maybe this was my destiny.

Bullshit. Destiny brought us here.

The f*cking cocksucking writer's strike brought us here.

Andrew, come on. Why do you believe in me?

Why after all this time?

Instincts. I follow my instincts. That's all I got.

If you follow me I swear to you it's a game changer.

We were a great team then, we'll be a great team now.

That head of hair is too good for the Valley.

I'm telling you.

Come on.

Okay, okay.

Yeah, let's do it.

Thank you. Let's do it.

I won't let you down.

I need a minute. I'm sorry.

All right.

Another round. We're celebrating.

What, are you drunk, Ari?

Drunk on life, Babs.

What do you want? Expansion. It's time.

I've been begging you for months. What have you got?

Small literary shop servicing over 65 working TV writers with less than five agents.

I like it. Grossed over five million last year.

I really like it. Which company?

Klein-Kuddler. You heard of them?

Is that Andrew Klein? Yup.

No go, the guy's a loser. No he's not.

I'm not talking about what he makes, Ari.

I'm talking about his general essence.

We need to project a certain image.

And that washout doesn't exactly fit the bill.

And what do you project, menopausal chic?

He's not big agency material, Ari. No go.

I wasn't calling you for your permission.

Well, read your partnership agreements then, Ari.

Because my permission is exactly what you need.

Barbara.

I thought you k*lled it today.

k*lled it? I was basically moving scenery.

But at least you looked good, bro.

You got two big scenes coming up that he's not in so you can make up for it.

He'll probably jump out of a tree and steal those lines too.

We got a few more tricks up our sleeves.

Just say the word and we'll have him in tears.

I appreciate it, Johnny. Thanks.

I hate to see you like this, Vin.

I'm sorry, Turtle. I know what might cheer you up.

I saw your favorite, banana cream pie, over on the buffet table.

I can grab you a slice. That would be nice, thanks.

Slimy thief approaching at 3 o'clock.

Control yourself, Drama.

Good work, Vince.

I try. See you tomorrow, man.

Jason, I loved your work in "Narc."

Really, really inspirational stuff, man.

Really? Thanks. Take it easy.

What the hell was that?

Hey.

Get a paper towel, will you?

Thought you were getting me pie.

Got you a cookie.

What about the pie?

Jason took it. What do you mean?

I mean, I waited in line and when I got to the pie he swooped in and took the last piece.

And you let him? He's imposing.

That's it. Hey, Jason.

What's up, Vince?

Did you take that pie from Turtle?

Turtle?

Yeah, this guy. My friend.

He's waiting in line for this pie and you took it.

I did? You kinda did.

Oh, I'm sorry about that, man.

And while we're on the subject, you kinda took a few of my lines today too.

Tell him, bro. What lines?

All of them.

I don't seem to be following where we're going, but there seems to be a bit of a problem here.

Yeah, the big monologue in the first scene, advice to Malone in the third scene.

Verner gave me those lines. Verner?

Verner, our director.

I assumed you knew that.

Well, I didn't. Now you do.

So why don't you go take that up with him?

Because any confusion that there seems to be has nothing to do with me.

Hello.

I want to thank you, everybody, for a fantastic first day.

Auf uns!