05x02 - Self-Deportation

[bunniefuu]

Michael had decided
to leave town,

and needed to get out of
his obligation to make a movie

- about his family.
- Michael! You had one job.

You had to get your son
to sign the releases!

Ron Howard wants to make
a heartfelt father-son drama

that has a good clean message
for his illegitimate daughter to star in.

Don't pull this on me!
We've already reserved

the soundstages
and he's already started paying off

- the Hollywood Foreign Press.
- No, they're great.

- She's funny.
- I understand all of that.

Okay, but Rebel is part of
the reason why I can't do this.



My son is dating her,
and I don't want to get

in the way. If I could talk to Ron,

- No. No. I am in charge
- I'm sure he and I...

of this movie right now.
My ass is on the line

while Ron makes a real movie in Mexico.

- Mexico, okay.
- You don't understand

how hard it is in Hollywood right now.

You have to crank out family dramas

before they let you make
your dream superhero movie.

Do you have a dream superhero movie?

I want to remake Spider-Man 2,
the first one.

Or something that at least has a hook.

- ...little girl!
- Oh, God! Damn it.

My brother Buster has something
better than a hook.



A robot hand. Okay?
And there's a cop looking for him.

- Hmm.
- And they can't find Lucille 2.

And I found Buster in the attic
in scuba gear.

It's intriguing.
I think that's your movie.

- That's your guy.
- No.

Okay, I've got his release right here.

In fact,
it was the only family member's release...

You're out of the movie.
You're out of the movie.

- ...he hadn't destroyed.
- You're out of the movie.

You're out of the movie!
Know what?

- You're out of the movie.
- Fine.

Hey, Dad, how ya doing?

- You're out of the movie!
- With Buster,

it is not father-son,
it's more mother-son.

But if you could get Rebel
to play Lucille, you know...

If she could go that unlikable.

So that's his release right here.

These are the other releases.
You need tape,

but they're pretty clean.

You're off the picture, Michael.
I'll give you your 500 bucks.

- I get paid?
- They're Imagine dollars.

They're redeemable in the gift shop.

- That's Ron Howard.
- Brian's on the 50.

It's a severance thing they're doing
because of Ron's need to be loved

and Brian's conflict avoidance issues.

Michael had gotten into something
he wanted no part of.

I'm sure they've got
a very old relationship.

I could tell you stories.

But she wouldn't dare.
And after a quick stop downstairs...

I think I'm gonna take

one Gung Ho kimono, okay?

Oh, and maybe a Brian wig. That's fun.

Oh, we only sell these as a set.

They were getting very competitive.

- Were they?
- Brian was.

...and another call to his son...

You've reached George Maharis.

Did you want that Rebel Alley hair?

Oh. Uh, no no.

That's... that is mine.

- I came with that. Uh, okay.
- ...Michael headed home

to tell Buster his plan
for making the family come back.

I've sent away the fumigator,
and all you got to do,

so we can declare you missing,

is stay out of sight for about 72 hours.

- Milford style.
- Hmm?

- I'm a Milford man, Michael.
- Yeah?

Winner of 1982's Least Seen on Campus.

I wish I could've seen their faces

- at the ceremony.
- We just,

you know, we gotta play this right
and, uh,

you gotta make sure you don't...

- well, show your hand.
- This is one of only two things

the Army warns us about
when they issue these.

Boy, Kitty does not know
what she's sitting on.

Pal, I'm gonna call you from,
uh, wherever I end up,

and you're gonna be great.

I-I just don't understand why
I can't go with you, Michael.

It's about teaching them a lesson.

- Mm-hmm.
- So... And I just,

I got in a big fight with my son,
you know.

It was my fault. For so many years,

I was his mom and dad, so...

Maybe that's a role
I can play in your life.

Don't say...

Mom. Mmm.

I thought you were gonna say Dad.

- Mm-mm.
- But, you know,

it's a bummer
that you can't come with me, Buster,

but you need to stay and talk to the cops.

Cops? What cops?

- Why would you bring the cops into this?
- They're already looking for you.

What? The cops are looking for me?

- A cop, actually.
- I can't be talking to the cops.

- Listen.
- I don't do good with the cops.

I didn't do anything.
I don't know what's going on.

- Relax.
- I ain't got no truck with no blue.

Nothing to worry about.

They're looking for Lucille Austero.
They want to question you.

Why would I know anything about Lucille 2?
I hope you didn't say we were dating.

Uh, well, I mean, you...
you did live with her.

Well, I lived with Mother.
Did you think we were dating?

Question's been asked.

- Do you actually know where Lucille 2 is?
- No!

No! A thousand times, no!

Is that what they'll ask?

'Cause it's not like I'm gonna
remember details

about where I saw her
and what we fought about.

Oh, you fought?

You kept me from Mother?

You sent her to prison?

Should I not say that?

- I'm not good with the cops.
- Right.

What if Lucille 2 doesn't come back?

Don't worry about that.
She... I just spoke to her today.

- What? In person?
- Yeah. Uh, no.

On the phone. She's fine.

Well, you could've told me that
from the beginning.

This is not about Lucille 2.
This is about teaching Mom

- a lesson, you know.
- Oh.

I mean, she just splits town

and assumes
I'm gonna take care of everything?

You know, this is just a way to, uh...

- Give Mom a little scare.
- Yeah.

Yeah. Let them race back into town
and save everyone for a change.

There's nothing to worry about.

Just Mama's worst nightmare.
Buster's missing.

Oh, and his bath has gone cold.

Buster was on board.

Maybe have a full psych panel
while you're in there, too.

Oh, those things are so easy to b*at.

Now the story of a wealthy family
who lost everything,

and the one son who had no choice

but to keep them all together.

It's...

Having traveled south of the border,

George Sr.
and his son G.O.B. found themselves

at a Mexican singles bar.

- It's dead.
- Yeah. Second place in a row.

Each looking for an excuse
for their lack of heterosexual vigor.

Where are all the blondes? It's just...

But it wasn't a blonde
G.O.B. was thinking about.

His recent rivalry
with magician Tony Wonder

had blossomed into a kind of friendship...

before contracting into a rivalry again.

Same.

Which suddenly became a...

oh, let's say,
boarding school romance.

Uh, this place is full of...

Cincos and mayos.

We need to find out
whatever the word for ten is.

- Find that.
- It's ten.

- Every culture uses ten.
- Ten.

It wouldn't matter if it was an 11,

because George Sr., too,
had changed recently...

It blew off at the CVS parking lot.

...having lost all sexual feeling of late

- despite some very progressive therapy.
- Hopi Indians believe that this spot...

- Okay.
- ...when manipulated,

can create sexual feeling.

- That's my penis.
- You don't have to tell me.

Which sent him into his crisis...

I can get hard,
so let's focus on you.

...of masculinity.

Hey, these are from the ladies
across the bar.

- They're primas.
- Primos, huh?

I've gotta be honest, I've seen better.

Huh? Eh.

No, it means cousins.

One hates her father,
and the other hates her grandfather.

It seemed the cervezas

weren't the only thing being handed
to the guys on a platter.

I don't know about you,
but I'd prefer the thrill of the hunt,

- as opposed to...
- If we wait,

something a little better will come along.

Thank you.

Not trying to fall
head over heels here.

Yeah. Yeah.

Not super eager to be, uh,
missing somebody.

- Yeah.
- I mean, who you love.

- Place gives me the creeps. Let's get out.
- Yeah. It's dead.

But back in America,
Michael was working on a way

to make his runaway family return.

So, we gotta wait about 48 hours
before we declare you missing,

- and then they put out an APB.
- APB.

"Aw, poor Buster."

- That's nice.
- Well...

You gotta lay low long enough
for Mom and Dad to hear about it.

And, pal, I would take you with me,
but truth is, I just,

I don't know if I'm gonna come back.

Oh.

What's so funny?

You always come back to save the family.
We joke about that all the time.

Well, I don't know what the joke is.
I've been trying to do the right thing.

"Hi, I'm Michael,

and I save everyone so I feel special,
even though you don't deserve it.

I'm leaving. I won't be coming back."

- Buster...
- "Oh!

Look who's back.

I thought we were supposed to go
with a."

"Mmm, you would know, Mother.
You practically invented

when you get sauced!"

"How dare you point that limp

Hook at me when I saved you from one!

I can't believe I pushed you
out of my ,

you useless freak!"

Covered a lot of ground there.

Yeah.

Although I'm glad
I won't be leaving you alone.

Oh, I'm going with you?

No, I'm going to Mexico or something,

and you gotta go to the police station.

- Oh, right. Why do they arrest me?
- They don't.

You go to the police station
'cause you say,

"Heard you were looking for me.
Here I am."

Oh, but you said a cop had questions
for me.

Mm-hmm. About Lucille 2.

And I'm not gonna answer
any questions, right?

- No. Answer the questions.
- When Barry says it's okay.

Barry's not there. No attorneys.
Just tell the truth.

Okay, like, bad example,

I saw Lucille 2's lifeless body
sprawled across the stair car?

Perfect.
If that's what happened, tell them.

Nothing to be nervous about, okay?

Lucille 2 is probably gonna be back

from whatever bender she's on.

She's gonna be as dry as, uh...

well, Lucille 1.

I can hear Mother winking now.

So, I got some groceries.
These are gonna have to last.

You already got into the candy bears, huh?

This is literally one of only

two things the Army warns about
when they issue these.

- Let me help.
- I think they spent

$27 million on the wrong guy.

Don't you say that about you. Well...

Maybe you do say that.
Maybe that's important to say.

And certain
his mother would have to return

to take responsibility
for this particular son,

Michael went to say goodbye to his own.

Ooh.

Hey, I am outside your door.

I was this close to telling you.
You inside?

Hi, it's Lucille Austero.

- No!
- I've been looking for you.

Note, I mean.

I know, I'd left you a note,

and, can you hear me?

Hello? Hello? Here we go again.

Getting disconnected.

This is why you always... leave a note.

Always leave a note.

Where's that from?

Michael discovered
a note he'd already written.

"Are you avoiding me? Ha ha.

Leaving town for a while. Love you.

- Michael Bluth."
- It worked well.

But perhaps if Michael
had taken a few seconds

to write an original note
before leaving town,

he would've run into George Michael,
who was coming to see him...

only to come across a cousin
he didn't recognize.

- Hey. Know if anyone's home?
- Uh, yeah, Buster's in there.

But if you're looking for Michael,
you just missed him.

Oh, so much for apologizing.

I'm telling you, he's moved on.

- Okay? You should, too.
- I just found out

my dad went to Mexico without telling me.

Welcome
to the shitty parents club.

- No, no, we don't have kids.
- No.

Although there was a kid

that Maeby was eager to get away from.

You know,
Mexico sounds far from Perfecto.

So that's perfect.
What do you say? Screw it!

No rules. Anything goes.

A rebounding George Michael
found the offer intriguing.

- Just the cousins.
- Mm-hmm.

Which turned out to be...

- Primos!
- ...this crew.

- Why do you keep yelling that?
- Stop it.

Ah.

Not far away,
Michael was also heading to Mexico.

And after taking care
of one last bit of business...

It's Buster Bluth, that's right.

Uh, yeah, I'm completely sure
he's been gone 72 hours.

As a matter of fact,
his bath has grown cold.

So that's, uh, an alarm bell right there.

...Michael was ready
to hit bottom

- and go off the map.
- Thanks so much.

But that's hard to do

when you're driving a car
that makes maps.

No pictures, thank you!

Put your phones down.
We take the pictures.

When the fleet
of recovery vans arrived

from the search engine
Michael had been working for,

he discovered that the car
that takes the pictures

- was no longer under his control.
- No! Window up.

- Window...
- Hi, I'm Dave from Mapping.

She's Lisa from Traditional Search.

- And that's Jeff.
- I'm Jeff from Earth.

- Hi. Hi, guys.
- We heard we had a runaway ostrich,

and, uh, we need you to return the car.

Oh, yeah. Sorry. Am I under arrest?

Oh, no. They never arrest the drivers.

They do come down pretty hard
on the cars,

but it's cheaper to just retrain
the people instead.

It sounds super futuristic and dystopian,
but it's really not.

Earth was right.

Because once he had been
escorted back

to the impressive campus
of company headquarters,

Michael found himself settling into a new

and generally carefree life,

one that couldn't have been farther

from the bottom
he'd forgotten about hitting.

Ironically, Michael's son

had also experienced car troubles
in Mexico,

and he wandered across
his grandfather's deserted land

hoping to find a spare tire...

Can't believe
you didn't know who I was.

- ...and lose a third wheel.
- Well, there's nothing we can say.

I wouldn't blame you if you took off
and you don't come back.

Nah.

Primos stick together.

Oh. "Cousin." It means "cousins."

That makes sense.

But the land proved
not to be deserted, after all.

And as the menacing horsemen
descended on the travelers,

George Michael found himself tempted

to bring up his dust allergies...

- We got a lot of dust.
- ...but hinted at them instead.

And they would soon discover...

You are not welcome here.

Oh, so sorry, we j... Our car broke down.

We thought we might
find somebody we know.

My grandfather owns this land.

That is not what the sign says.

♪ Mr. Efe ♪

I am the elder here. This is our land.

And you would be wise to never
be seen here again. Strum!

Now, if you'll excuse us,
we must say buenos días.

- Vamos, vamos.
- Play the guitar, old man!

Strum! Strum!

And George Michael asked
the question anyone might.

Who were those scary, handsome Mexicans

on those magical horses?

They just looked like old white men to me.

Oh.

We should probably get out of here.

Yeah, I mean,
I've got a big job on Monday, anyway.

I was gonna have to leave early,
and I didn't know how to tell you.

But now we can just all go together.

And that's when he saw his opening.

Never.

Never. Are you...?

No. I mean, we're Bluths.

We're gonna stay. Maeby, too. We're...

The two of us are gonna stay.

And soon,
being with his cousin was no longer

- an obstacle...
- Crazy assh*le.

...to George Michael's hope
of being with his cousin.

I was wondering how you were
gonna get rid of him.

- Was I that obvious?
- I just know that you don't like

standing up to people
on horses with g*ns.

No, I never really was that guy.

- Let's find a bar.
- Okay. Yeah, I'd love that.

And so, after getting out
of their dusty clothes,

the two did just that.

And George Michael

was soon getting a real feel
for the people.

Hey. You're not gonna believe this.

I met these guys that are actually
from Orange County.

And two of them also go to UCI.

Two of them are named Noah,
but not the two that you'd think.

- Cool?
- Really cool.

They're staying here, renting a place
while they do this language course.

We could stay with them.

I'm thinking about heading back.

N... Wait, look.

If this is about me f*ring you
from Fakeblock,

there's something you should know.

Fakeblock doesn't actually exist.

Are you telling me that the software

that's supposed to keep
people's computers unhackable

and keep any kind of information private
doesn't exist?

How did you find out?

It was easy. I just looked in
your computer under "Secrets."

Oh, you looked
in my "Please Don't Read" folder?

No, that one was empty.
I found it in "Just Odds and Ends."

Great, you got past my double bluff.

It's okay, George Michael.
You worry too much.

Yeah, that keeps me up at night, actually.

I just feel like I gotta move on
with my life, you know?

Find some meaning.

Get going with my own goop.

Goop? What is goop?

If you have to ask,
you probably don't know what it is.

I don't know what it is.

I feel like maybe
you don't know what it is.

Maybe it's "go-op"?

To me, that would make less sense.

Maybe that's what "go-op" is.

Not everything always making sense.

It isn't.

Meanwhile,
George Sr. and G.O.B. continued trying

to out-goop each other.

I won't tell Mom
about all the ladies you're

If you don't tell Mom
about all the ladies I'm.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Look at that one coming up.

Where, where? Oh, my God.

Oh, she's hot. She's so hot. Dibs!

No, no, no, Daddy saw her first.

- Daddy dibs.
- She got a friend or...?

She's got a friend! That's a friend?

Bush. Trash bag and bush.

- Thought it was a woman.
- Yeah.

- Like, hunched over, right?
- Yeah.

Like, with the...
I wanted to do her so bad.

Wow. I mean, I...
And I really liked her friend.

Me, I liked her, too.

- That was a ten-gallon Hefty sack?
- Oh, yeah.

- Yeah, a ten. Definitely a ten.
- Yeah. Yeah. Nice.

I like.

I like... a ten.

And Lucille, at the behest of
her court-mandated therapist,

- was struggling to make sense of things.
- Am I horrible for saying these things?

No. But I was doing the math,
and I still think

you're gonna have a problem
with this final "r*ped m*rder*r."

But who cares about him?

Oh, this is pointless.

How many more sessions
do I have to endure

until I'm done with...

no offense... you?

Legally, two. But I am in the family.

I mean... this is my family.

My daughter is divorcing you.
This is it.

I'm confused by the word "it."

Are you implying that you
don't want to see me anymore?

I'm confused by the word "anymore."

There are many things
I can do for this family.

You've lost touch with your daughter.
Put me in, for God sakes.

- I thought this was my time.
- It is your time. Yes, yes.

But as your therapist,
I'm pointing out that I know

that you build these walls
to keep out, for instance,

your surviving children-in-law.

Oh, don't talk to me about walls.

That's why we're in this mess.

My husband buys land
so we can get a contract

to build a little something on the border.

A-a wall.

And we did everything right.

Well, not everything.

They did buy land on the border...

- You live here?
- ...to sell back to the government.

- The check.
- And they paid off

- a politician...
- I am gonna put this on my wall.

...to stir up xenophobia.

We have got to build a wall
between us and Mexico.

- Yeah, yeah.
- Of course, they made

- a few rookie mistakes.
- I bribed Love to get the wall,

and I don't have the land to build it on!

Well, they had it.

It was just on the wrong side
of the border.

Which they might have known
had George's brother Oscar

- not b*rned the signs.
- It's okay to burn these?

Well, this is America.
They don't want us to burn signs,

they shouldn't write 'em in Spanish.

And so, Lucille did
what her own government might do.

Who better than the Chinese
to help us build a wall, right?

- She borrowed from the Chinese.
- That's good enough.

Of course, none of this

- was okay with the woman...
- How dare you?!

- ...who owned a majority stake...
- Lucille...

- ...in the company.
- ...Two

I can't be running a company
that's building a wall

I campaigned against!

And with their politician
out of the race,

their future looked bleak.

So, unless some angel descends
on a golden chariot,

we're completely over-leveraged.

And maybe you don't want
to get hurt because,

as I say, hurt people... hurt people.

Oh, that's nice.

I always say,
"Make people cry, make people cry."

But yours includes the people

who don't want to give you
the satisfaction.

Tobias decided to err on the side

of Lucille keeping him on as a therapist.

You know what, let's lock that in there.

And I'd say we've made
some real good progress today.

Yes.
I really think this is working.

Swimming!

Hurt people, hurt people.

Lindsay had also made it to Mexico,

and was enjoying the fact that
men were more respectful.

Puta Night is Thursday.

- That's so nice. No, I'm not.
- That was based on her belief

- that "puta" meant "young."
- No. Puta.

I try to stay out of the sun.

And that's when she saw
what appeared to be

- a Mexican version of her father.
- Oh, my God.

Lindsay. What are you doing here?

Guess I just had to get away.

I was just ordering lunch.
Can I buy you lunch?

Oh, yeah. I'm so hungry, I could eat.

Lindsay's daughter, meanwhile,

discovered that her trip back home...

- This is as far as we go.
- ...took a detour.

Oh.

- You live here?
- No.

These people have nothing.

We are lucky. We have next to nothing.

We are helping these people
because nobody else will.

They've been kicked out
of the only country they've ever known

because of the cruelty
of your president...

Barack Obama.

Their old country is their mother,

new country is their father.

Imagine if your mother
and your father did not want you.

So, you're trying to, like,
teach them a lesson or...?

We're volunteers.

Who did you think the water was for?

Oh.
I thought you were just trying to get me

to give you a higher Uber rating.

And Maeby decided to stay
and help.

George Michael, meanwhile,
settled into a different kind

of "south of the border" lifestyle.

Mexico.

It's like being in the Spanish dorms

of the UCI sister campus
in Spain all over again.

He was noticing subtle differences
in the cuisine.

God, the salt is different here.

It's fatter or something, right?

- We're from Orange County.
- He reached out to locals.

Dude, I'm from San Diego.
They want everyone to think we're Mexican.

- My name's Noah.
- He met another Noah.

- Noah, get over here.
- Noah met another Noah.

- What up, dawg?
- And soon five,

I want to say,
indistinguishable Americans

- had Mexico on its heels.
- You didn't know this was Noah?

- They saw foreign films.
- I'm glad someone had the guts

to give the Minions their own movie.

It's great
because it's subtitled in Spanish,

but we don't have to read.
It's in English.

If you don't want to see 'em,
you can block 'em.

Started trends.

They discovered
charming native communities...

where local artisans
peddled their wares.

- Mexico.
- Adopted customs

like the midday break, or siesta.

Yes! Who left the air conditioning on?

- Oh, me. I never left.
- And while George Michael

- was enjoying his status quo...
- Why'd we go out?

...Lucille was on the verge
of an emotional breakthrough

that could possibly change her life.

...and our whole life
is turned upside down.

This is my time. Your session ended.

That's when she heard something...

...that would definitely change her life.

...candidate descended
the escalator into the lobby.

I will build a great, great wall
on our southern border.

Which was my idea!

And I will have Mexico pay
for that wall.

Okay.

That is a clever twist.

Michael had been
at Search for a month.

In that time,
he'd developed himself physically...

And then lunge.
Duck, sweep the leg, lunge.

...been given a new company car.

Ted, I think you see your daughter coming.

You're not expecting this,
but she's coming in hot

- with a right...
- He'd gotten to teach a class

he'd successfully persuaded management
to try out.

Mona, I know your husband's down,
he probably needs medical attention,

but you got another son on your flank.

And, everybody, we're going to duck,
sweep the leg, and lunge.

And he comes back again.
And we sweep the leg and lunge.

That's great.
Everybody put down your cactus.

Let's all huddle up.
Okay, now that you're loose,

we're gonna do some Mom att*cks Son,

we're gonna do Dad att*cks Daughter,

and then we're gonna do
Dad att*cks Mom...

But he still felt something
was missing from his life

- when he found a way to satisfy a dream.
- Wow, satisfy an old dream.

Boy, do you really have to spend
1,000 bucks on the gear, though?

- Not if you have your own.
- Mm.

Yeah. Yeah, well, not here,

but I could drive home and get it.

Course, I could see my family.

A family Michael hadn't seen
in some time.

So he decided...

Ah, what the heck.
For 1,000 bucks, it's worth the risk, huh?

Michael returned
to a model home he left in some disgrace.

And he wasn't particularly
proud of what he did next.

Hola. Window cleaner!

I shall be neither seen
nor heard.

- I blue myself.
- It's vodka.

It goes bad once it's opened.

I heard the jury's still out
on science.

- It was an emotional moment.
- Window cleaner!

Until right at the end there.

And that's when he found
a letter from Lucille 2.

She forgave the debt.

And feeling bad
that he'd been forgiven by someone

he wanted to forget,
he decided to thank her in person.

But, tired of hiding, he decided

- to say hello to his own family.
- Hello?

Speech! Speech!

You're my third
least favorite child.

...like a Motherboy Ball.

And when they weren't home,
he found himself missing them.

I should ask if she wants
to get pre-pre-engaged.

- Lucille 2?
- I want that pie covered.

- And not with your face.
- Hello?

- Told you he'd come!
- Hey!

It's on, it's on, it's on.

- Look at him fighting me!
- G.O.B.!

- I haven't seen you in a year!
- It's been two months. Get your hands off.

Oh, yeah? What's the last thing
you remember us doing?

- What do you remember?
- What? No.

- Enough!
- Michael Bluth

- gets up.
- A lot of hands down there.

- They weren't my hands.
- Oh. Okay.

Harmless bathhousing
amongst brothers, yes?

And George Michael dips his toe

- into the Mexican nightlife.
- Guys, it's 9:00.

Gives us 30 minutes till they shut down
that last machine at Pinkberry.

Mexico.