06x01 - Drive

[bunniefuu]

Last night was fun. Yeah yeah.

Do it again tonight? Sure.

I'll call you later.

Call you later.

How pathetic are you guys?

Pathetic, us?!

Who tells a first date that they love her? Oh yeah, right.

I told her that I loved her. You looked like you were gonna tell her you loved her. My point exactly.

Whatever. Aw, E, these guys are just bitter

'cause you're on a hot streak. Thanks, Vince.

Guy's got more p*ssy the last month than the previous 29 years, I wouldn't call it a hot streak, I'd call it entering the Twilight Zone.

That's what being a successful manager does for you.

So you're saying it has nothing to do with him, just the business card? Yep!

Ah, now I get it.

So you've been banging all these dates, E?

E don't bang them that quickly.

E needs to be wined and dined for at least a month.

Oh no no no! I think I heard banging last night.

Was there banging, E? Well? Was there banging?

Can we talk about important stuff, please?

All right, what do you have on your mind?

Are you nervous? When you're prepared, there's no need to be nervous.

It's just a driving test. I'm talking about Leno.

I'm more nervous about the driving test.

Don't take E's Aston Martin then. Those pricks give you points off just for having a fancy car. Leno, Vince.

What are you gonna talk about? I'm open for suggestions.

I've never been invited on, so I wouldn't have any.

Just tell the world how sick the movie's gonna be.

No, the clip'll say that. He needs something that'll make a statement.

Like when Crispin Glover kicked Letterman in the head?

Not that kind of statement. Besides, I'm not that limber.

Tell him about how you let those two girls believe that they convinced you to have a threesome last week.

I don't think that's gonna fly either, Turtle. I'll save it for Conan.

Who's that?

Oh, you have to be kidding me. Who is that!?

Get back here. Yeah, get back here!

Hello? Hey, E, it's Sloan.

Get back here, you miniature stud!

Sorry about that.

Glad to see that fame and success hasn't changed much over there.

Yeah, nothing's changed. Good to hear.

So what's up? It just so happens that a friend of mine desperately needs to sublet her house to someone and I thought of you. Is that what it takes to get a call from you these days? Phone works both ways.

I left you a message. I didn't get a message.

I think you did.

E, I'm calling you now because I thought of you when she brought this up.

Why? I'm not even looking. I heard that you looked at a place on Crescent a couple months back.

Ah, keeping tabs on me, huh? For some reason my friends think I'm still interested in your whereabouts.

But you're not? E, do you want to look at this house?

It's unbelievable.

Yeah, sure.

Morning, Ari. How are you?

My girl won her debate on Friday, my boy scored a goal in soccer on Saturday and my wife agreed to visit her mother without me.

I don't know how things could get better. Ari.

Give me something good, Andrew. Greg Garcia good?

You signed him? I thought he was happy where he was?

Until I convinced him he'd be happier here.

You hear that, everybody?

"My Name is Earl" is now a member of the Miller Gold family.

Mr. Andrew Klein is responsible for that.

Which means that in this horrific economy he has secured himself a future. All of you can do that as well if you go out there and sign someone who can syndicate a goddamned show.

Vinnie's doing Leno. You want to come? Love to.

All right.

What's all the yelling about? Oh, didn't you hear?

Andrew just signed another show runner. Oh, I did.

Very impressive. So you either owe me an apology or a blowjob. Your choice. Oh, okay, Ari.

I apologize. But I think Andrew should blow you.

You said he was a deadbeat. The only one sucking is you.

All is well with the Miller Gold Agency!

Well, not all. What's your problem?

I had dinner with my parents last night and my father spent the entire meal reaming me out.

You never told him you liked d*ck?

He knew that by the time I was nine. I'm not following you.

But the phone is ringing.

I need to talk to you about my... career.

The career that you won't have if you don't answer the phone?

Ari, I will handle the phone. Please, I need to talk.

So talk. I'm so glad you're in a good mood.

Who says I'm in a good mood? You just did!

You just yelled "All is well at the Miller Gold Agency."

That was an act to boost morale.

Well, what's wrong? What's right?

Have you seen my stock portfolio, Lloyd? No.

And I sh*t an 82 yesterday, Lloyd.

An 82! I missed three putts from inside eight feet.

Can you imagine missing a hole from that close?

If I lose the club championship to Chervin, I will sue Butch Harmon's ass.

Ari! Yes, Lloyd, yes?

I want a promotion!

You do? I've been on your desk over three years.

I've paid my dues. Is this about your father?

Did you know my father was very strict? No.

Yeah. He berated me and he pushed me and he insulted me and it made me feel very insecure and lost.

But I became a man... my own man.

And now I berate and I push. I have noticed.

Make your own man, Lloyd. I'm trying.

Not trying hard enough! The g*dd*mn phone is ringing.

But, Ari, we haven't even really talked.

I talked! And my hope is that you listened.

Go!

No, cut it... cut it left. Left.

Why aren't we using cones? Don't talk to him, Drama!

Let him concentrate. I got it, guys. I got it.

Now ease it in there.

Sorry, E. That's okay.

I'll get you a new one.

Don't worry about it. Ahem.

All right, you're almost there.

There you go.

Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa!

Okay, I think you're ready.

All right, everyone in! Let's go!

Oh, St. Christopher, please protect us.

I'm gonna meet you guys over there. What? Really?

What's the big deal? Nothing, I guess.

What do you have to do that's more important than watching me get my license?

I'm just gonna meet Sloan for a coffee.

Was that Sloan that called this morning? Yeah.

You didn't tell us. I don't tell you everything.

Well, you tell me everything.

Something's up.

Definitely. Yeah, what's up, E?

Nothing's up. It's a coffee.

Uh-huh.

20 years in this business, I don't think I've had a sip in the office.

Well, when the King of Karma sends over a $1200 bottle of Scotch, you should drink it. This worked out better than I thought it would. Cheers. Amen.

You're drinking in the middle of the day?

They do it on "Mad Men" all the time and they're pretty successful.

That was in the '60s.

By the time they get to season four in the '70s, they'll all have liver and heart disease. Not us.

This tandem is unstoppable. This new team is thriving.

Glad to see somebody is. What, are you sulking, Lloyd?

No! I'm steaming. Steaming mad because I tried to talk with you earlier and you essentially ignored me.

Are we not in a meeting? I don't know what you're in, but you're acting like you're in a bar. I don't like your tone, Lloyd.

Do you have any plan to promote me? Hadn't even thought about it.

Well, you need to. Lloyd!

Ari, promote me or I'm leaving you!

Leaving me?

Where would you go? To another agency.

Another agency? You'd have to start all over again.

You know that. Then I'll go work for my father.

What, in a dry-cleaner's? My father has a winery in Napa.

I don't think sodomy is legal in Napa, Lloyd.

Every time I have broached this subject over the years you have responded with some wiseass comment.

The time has come.

I want to know if this is going to happen.

I want to know when and I want to know today!

I will not be strong-armed, Lloyd. You just were, Ari Gold.

Whew. Tough q*eer.

Wow, this is amazing. I told you.

And why is it so cheap?

Because my girlfriend is moving to Vancouver for a year and she just wanted someone she trusts to take care of it.

Oh yeah? She trusts me? Well, she trusts me and I told her she can trust you. This her?

Uh-huh. Ugly.

So what do you think? I don't know.

I really haven't been looking around much.

Just trying to get an idea what's out there, you know?

This isn't out there. This is a fluke opportunity.

I appreciate that. Okay. I won't push.

I know what a big deal it is for you to be out on your own without the boys.

It's not a big deal.

And you hate change. I don't hate change.

E, you moved back into your old house.

That was Vince's idea.

Does he even know you're here? He knows I'm with you.

He thinks we're having coffee.

You know, look, Vince is doing amazing.

The house is great.

He signed a two-year lease thinking we were all going to live in it, so...

Well, thanks to you he can afford it.

I sunk so much money into my business, do I really need my own place?

At your age, you kinda do.

If I was in a relationship...

Oh, E, we've talked about this.

You're not going to be in a relationship so long as you're living in a frat house.

We always do pick up right where we left off, don't we?

So how is dating life? What?

Oh, let's not get weird about this.

You're dating, I'm dating, we can talk about it.

Wow, you really are keeping tabs on me, huh?

I'm really not. But I was forced to hear about you stumbling out of Foxtail with a pretty young girl.

And I was forced to hear about you making out with a pretty old dude at Dan Tana's.

Oh, who's keeping tabs? And you know me...

I don't make out in public. I don't want to talk about this anymore.

I do. Who's the girl? Girls-ss.

Oh, multiple girls! Wow, E.

It's so unlike you. Maybe you are maturing.

Would you stop?

I gotta go. What should I tell my friend?

Tell her I'll think about it. Okay.

See you later. Ciao.

Make a right here.

And I need you to make a left here. All right.

Very nice. Thanks, I've been working on that one.

I'm excited about your new film. "Gatsby" is one of my favorites.

Oh, I hope I don't ruin it for you.

Oh no, the trailer looked great.

Love Scorsese. Let's do a three-point turn right here.

Okay.

He's awful.

Don't hit that! Oh! Look at that. How's he doing?

Bro's bombing. You were supposed to get him ready.

I did... for the written. Even I couldn't get him roadworthy.

He's gonna show up on set, he's not gonna know how to drive.

They've got stunt doubles for that.

Making him get his license is for insurance purposes.

He's playing Enzo Ferrari. He needs to know how to drive a car.

Oh! Oh my goodness.

So?

I'm finally an independent.

You passed? No way! Really?

Yes! Thanks so much, Scott.

See you at the premiere? Plus one, right?

You know it.

Shall we? He passed you for premiere tickets?

Why, Cheryl Walters let me go in the back door for "Young g*ns 3-D" tickets. Oh, you're disgusting.

So how's Sloan? What do you mean?

I mean how is she? Oh, she's good.

Was that a weird question?

No. You sure answered it kinda weird.

Did I? Yeah. Didn't he?

Yeah. Kinda weird.

You're getting back together with Sloan? No.

After once cup of coffee. Are you back in love with Sloan?

No. One cup of coffee's all it takes with this guy! Look, it was a friendly meeting.

Ahh! A meeting.

A meeting which she called for.

It's all the girls he's been getting. p*ssy can smell other p*ssy and then they have to pounce on it.

That's why when you're on a hot streak, you've got to press it like blackjack.

Are you pressing it with Sloan?

I'm done with this conversation. I'll see you guys at Leno.

I'm riding with E. I'm gonna roll with you.

No no no, forget that. Come with me.

My car is here. We'll get it later.

Can we drive with the airbags deployed?

Back in the day you waited until your boss told you you are ready for a promotion. You didn't thr*aten him.

I was on Terrence's desk 50 months before he finally promoted me.

And you ever thr*aten him? The man's a psychopath.

Of course I didn't. Lloyd thinks we're friends.

I'm too nice to him. That's why you can never be nice to an assistant. Dumb f*ck I am.

You think Lloyd would make a good agent?

I don't know. He's smart, but he's... he's soft and he's weak. But you love him as an assistant?

The best ever. I had 14 in the three years before him.

But an agent? I don't know!

Make sure you know. I got a few I didn't promote make it big off of my desk, they still won't return my calls.

You think Lloyd wouldn't return my calls? I don't know.

Ungrateful prick. Nice of you to show, Ari.

Nice of you to drop the baby weight. What, do you have like nine kids now?

Three, assh*le.

Really? Did you figure out who the fathers are?

Don't take it out on me because you don't have an excuse for those extra pounds.

I'm still at 6% body fat, okay?

Yeah, and still 94% full of sh*t.

Vinnie ready to make this comeback complete?

Says he is.

Hey, Ari.

Wait wait wait! No no no.

No, that sounds like a disaster.

I probably hit three cones. But no people?

No, no people. Just cones.

So not a complete disaster? A little disaster.

The guy still passed you? Uh, yeah, but... keep it between us... I bribed him with a couple premiere tickets.

Oh, come on!

No no, that's a great trade for you.

Don't you understand? You don't know how to drive!

Yeah, in fact if you see me, I'd be cautious.

Now see? See, that's amazing.

Being a movie star, you get out of all this.

The rest of us, we TV people, we have to learn how to parallel park.

Here here. That's why I took up the motorcycle.

It's small, it's maneuverable.

Plus I can try my jokes out in biker bars. They're great crowds.

No, they are. They're a great crowd.

Tell me if I understand this. So you didn't get your license till... how old are you anyway?

My mom couldn't afford to get me a car growing up.

So you were poor? Milk it, honey, milk it.

We were rich in love. Rich in love!

True dat!

He's doing great. He always does.

You can afford a driver. Why even bother to learn?

I usually have my boy Turtle drive me around, but I'm doing a new movie.

And what's that? You can still drive me around.

It's the story of the race-car inventor Enzo Ferrari.

That might be a good movie to learn how to drive for.

I think so. I don't know anything about it.

I'm just throwing it out there. Let's talk about your current movie, which I saw last night... Scorsese's "Gatsby."

Boy, I just thought it was brilliant. We have our great director to thank for that... Martin Scorsese.

Sloan? She's all over you, huh?

p*ssy.

Hey, I can't really talk right now.

Okay okay, real quick. I swear I'm not putting pressure on you.

I just thought you should know my girlfriend has someone else interested.

Look, I haven't really thought about it or spoken to Vince.

Oh, come on, E. I don't want you to miss out on this.

No pressure, huh?

Just a little. She wants to meet you.

Sloan, I can't rush like this. Look, just come and meet her so she can approve of you in case you decide you want it later.

Can I call you back in a little bit? Tick-tock.

Bye, Sloan. Bye.

Vince, congratulations. Thank you.

Vincent Chase, everybody. Be right back with...

Vinnie!

Whoo!

Yeah!

Vinnie k*lled it!

He did indeed! How about we stop off to celebrate?

Naw, I gotta go see the kids.

Family man Ari Gold, huh? Come on.

Yeah?

What's going on with Lloyd?

What do you mean, baby? He called me.

He called you? Yes, and he sounded very upset.

He wanted to say how much he enjoyed knowing me. What's wrong with him?

He... Lloyd is dying, baby. What?!

What's wrong with him, Daddy? Nothing, buddy.

Baby, tell me when I'm on speakerphone.

Did you fire Lloyd, Ari? No...

Daddy, no! We love Lloyd, Daddy.

Oooh, ruthless. He's gonna make it... with or without you.

Does that make the comeback complete or what?

No, when he's got an Oscar, then it's complete.

I'd just be happy to avoid a Razzie.

There's nothing wrong with a Razzie, bro.

Drama's gonna go for the hat trick if he ever gets another movie.

I only have one Razzie, assh*le!

All right, I'll talk to you later. Who was that?

Would you leave me alone? Never.

Ever. Was it Sloan again?

Another broad? None of your business.

I'm making it my business. So you better tell whoever that was to invite a friend or I'm banging pots and pans outside your door all night.

You don't live here, Drama. Which begs the question, why are you always here?

Because isolation's overrated. Besides, baby bro likes having me here.

I like having you all around.

I'll stay up and bang pots and pans.

Don't you have dinner with Jamie tonight?

Yeah. I'm gonna tell her you asked me to find a friend. Pffft! I didn't.

Don't! Please don't.

All right, enough with the harassing E, what are the boys without relationships doing tonight?

I got a night sh**t, bro. Yeah, and that was Sloan.

Aha!

We're gonna meet for a drink. No big deal.

Oh!

Ari Gold's office.

Be at my house at 10:00 p.m.

Your house?

Sit on the stoop, don't ring the bell, don't make any noise, wait for me.

Till when?

Hello?

Hey, looking sharp! Oh, thanks.

What are you gonna do? I'm just gonna hang out for a bit.

Maybe go for a spin. You're drinking!

It's one beer.

All right, don't drive, please.

Okay, thanks, Ma. You know what? If you're so concerned, why don't you take a break from the dating pool and come hang out with me?

It's not a date. Oh no, that's right.

Have fun at your "meeting."

Actually, Vince, I didn't have coffee with Sloan today.

No? No. A friend of hers has a great house that she wants to sublet.

Why? Sloan's got a great house, doesn't she?

Yeah, well, it wouldn't be for her. She thought I might want it.

Oh-ho! That's why you've been acting like a freak all day.

I haven't been acting like a freak all day. Yeah.

Yeah, you have. If you want to get your own house, go ahead, get it.

You don't have an opinion about that at all?

What opinion would I have?

Oh, come on, Vince! You know you don't like to be alone.

I don't like to be alone? No!

How would you know? You've never seen me alone.

Because you're always with me because you can't be alone.

Have you ever lived by yourself? Have you?

And the guest house doesn't count.

Exactly!

Ahem! Besides, I got Turtle.

Rarely. I mean, he's usually at Jamie's.

Do you want to get your own place or what?

Well, yeah, I'd kinda like to have a little privacy, not have the peanut gallery commenting on everything that I do.

Maybe you want to impress Sloan a little bit with your independence?

It's not about Sloan. Maybe a little.

Come on. Get your place, E. I'll be fine.

Don't worry about me. Are you sure?

Positive. All right, I'll see you later.

See ya. You know what, actually...

Sloan's friend is really hot if you want to roll with.

Yeah?

I could do that. Yeah.

We'll want to take two cars just in case.

In case what? In case you close? No, just in case you close.

All right, a toast:

To Little E growing up and moving out on his own.

Thank you. Finally! Cheers.

So, Vince, are you going to blame me when you're feeling all sad and lonely?

Why doesn't anybody think he'll be sad?

I'm really much more fun to be around.

All right, you know what? I'm usually not this pathetic, but since you took E, I'm gonna have to take Amy.

Interesting. Oh really? I am moving away for a year, and I'm not that interested in having a one-night fling with a movie star.

Ouch! Wow.

I'm just getting rejected by everyone tonight, huh?

That's one thing I missed about not having a license...

I don't think I've ever f*cked in a car.

I'm glad I could be your first ride.

You're a cruel man, Ari Gold.

You asked me for an answer by day's end.

I don't have an answer; I have a proposition.

And if you don't like it, you can wander off into the cold harsh unforgiving world without me. What is it?

100 days.

You survive, you'll have your promotion.

What is this, a hazing? This is why I didn't join a frat.

What frat would have you?

Ari... Lloyd!

100 days, you do everything that I say, or you don't. Fine.

The first thing I'm saying: You drop 15 lbs.

You want me to drop 15 lbs? I'm asking that for Tom.

What I want will be much harder. Now go.

I'm gonna make it through this, Ari Gold.

It'll be worse than when you had your a**l cherry popped, but, hey, you just might.

It's true.

Oh, that was fun. Thank you.

You're not gonna invite me in? No.

Why? E, you're dating.

So are you! Exactly.

Look, I thought the whole reason you were pushing me into this place...

Don't flatter yourself.

Invite me in!

E, you have girls-ss.

That was a joke. It was a good one.

Good night, Eric.

Good night, Sloan.

Hope I don't get too lonely up in that house.

Never lived alone before.

I mean, I lived with my mom and then I moved in with Vince and the guys...

Oh, get a dog! Oh, so cold.

Okay. One drink.

Nothing more.

I'm serious.

You didn't want to be Vince's driver forever anyway, right?

No, of course I didn't.

It's just that Vince is blowing up so fast again, I kinda got lost in what I'm doing.

Oh, what are you doing?

I got a couple of ideas.

What are they?

No, not till they're ready, baby.

Oh, okay. Tell me. No. Nice try.

Oh!

You know what? Just for that, I'm peeing right in the tub.

Don't! Ahhh.

Hey, Johnny, we're running behind.

Gonna be here all night. Sorry.

Don't be! This is what I live for.

Oh yeah, a little higher.

Right there, right there.

Hello? Turtle!

Hello, anyone home?