06x09 - Security Briefs

[bunniefuu]

Damn.

Oi!

They woke you too? Yep.

You know that Big Yoni guy uses my toilet?

Yep. And he leaves floaters!

I didn't know that. What are we gonna do?

Talk to Aaron. I called him, he's on his way.

You seen my Fruit Loops? Nope.

Big Yoni's eating them outside.

This guy's pushing me. Bagel Broker.

Nice! What is with your face?

They surprised me with a new scene when I got to the set last night... battery acid sprays out of my car engine.

Four hours of makeup for one line, compliments of Dan Coakley.

Why didn't you take it off? I've got to sh**t again tonight.

I can't bear another session in the makeup chair.

Now you've got two bad sides. Don't start with me, Turtle.

I'm exhausted. Oh, you are?!

We've got the Israeli army waking us up all night and you can go home!

Baby bro was hungry and you can go to Jamie's.

I'm a friend who doesn't leave his boy in crisis.

Appreciate that, Turtle.

Since Jamie's a little too scared to sleep here, I'm having a little crisis of my own.

You've gone years without p*ssy, a couple days won't k*ll you.

Shut your mouth, acid face! You want to go?

Yeah, I do! Don't f*cking get in my face.

Whoa whoa whoa! You're disgusting.

You boys okay? Actually no, we're not.

He started it. One of your g*ons ate my Fruit Loops.

The same goon keeps pummeling my toilet.

I'm sorry. I'll talk to him. And I thought your man outside was gonna sh**t me when I pulled up this morning.

It's makeup. Aaron, I think everyone's a little tense with all the people around the house constantly.

How much longer do you think we're gonna have this much security?

I can scale it back if that's what you want.

But I think you should hear what we found on this guy before you make that decision.

Here's a report. He has a few arrests. He tried to k*ll his father?

As a child, he had an affinity for setting fires.

At the age of 12, he b*rned down his house, badly injuring his father. He was questioned and cleared.

Jesus. Creepy.

We'll keep the security. It shouldn't be for much longer.

We have this guy under 24-hour surveillance.

So what should we do? What you normally do.

Well, I have a fitting today. No worries.

Live your life as usual. My guys will be there just in case of any surprises.

I'll be there too, bro. Appreciate it, Johnny.

But lose the makeup, huh? No can do.

Okay. Turtle, you want to come also?

I got class. So much for you being a good friend.

I have a perfect attendance record. It's okay, you go to class.

But do me a favor, call E, have him to meet me there because it looks like I have a ride. You got it, boss.

Hello?

Yo, wake up. What time is it?

I don't know, 7-something.

Are you alone? No.

Ashley? Who else?

With you, who knows? She wake you up with a morning BJ, E?

What's up? Tell her she should.

What's up?

Vince wanted me to tell you to meet him at the fitting.

Sounds good. Not as good as a morning BJ.

Okay, I gotta go. I'll talk to you later.

Who was that? It was Turtle.

Oh, what did he want?

Just to tell me that I have to meet Vince at the fitting.

I gotta get up.

Eric, was that... really Turtle?

Yeah, why?

'Cause you were talking really weird on the phone.

Weird? Cryptic, short answers, like you were hiding something.

I wasn't hiding anything. You want to know the truth?

Yeah.

Well, he was saying some stupid things, that's why.

Like what?

Like Drama wanted to know if you woke me up...

Wait. Drama? I thought it was Turtle.

Drama got on the phone and he wanted to know if you woke me up with a... you know.

You know. Ahh.

He's an idiot that's why I was being cryptic.

I hate when my friends do stuff like that. I'm sorry, I don't mean to be crazy.

Don't be sorry. I gotta jump in the shower.

I know it's annoying, Vinnie. Do you?

Two guys following behind me, my every move.

You usually have three. The only difference is your idiots aren't armed.

You're always a help, Ari. I'm sorry, Vinnie. It'll be over soon.

Enjoy Darabont. I will.

Later. Later.

Morning, Mr. Gold. Morning, sl*ve.

I trust you heard that Adam Davies was promoted to the head of his talent department. I did.

And I was preparing to send him feces.

No? No, but I like the proactive thought.

Just get him on the phone and Zac too. Zac who?

Zac Who-you-don't-get-to-know-his-name- because-you-are-a-peasant.

Oh good God, abs alert.

Don't whack off to the sound of his voice. Chop chop.

What could you possibly want, Ari?

I just wanted to congratulate you on making it to the top of the Gestapo.

You really want anything?

No, but your ex-client does. What ex-client?

Connect him, Lloyd! Mr. Efron, you're on with Mr. Gold and Mr. Davies.

Hello. Zac!

Buddy, what's up?

You think you can leverage me, Adam?

What are you talking about? You promised Disney I'd do a shirtless lunchbox if they gave The Rock an extra five mil for "Witch 2." A shirtless lunchbox?

No, it's not happening. Zac, that was a joke. You're a joke.

Hold on, Adam. My girl here is a really big fan.

Right? Hi, can I please have your autograph?

Of course. Make it out to Lori.

Zac, are you there? I'm sorry, are you in a rush, Adam?

It's very nice to meet you, Lori. I'm Daryn.

I'm Lori. It's nice to meet you.

Oh God.

Are you still there, Adam? Yep.

Good. You're fired.

I'm with Ari now. Gut Yontif!

Beautiful work, Zac, beautiful.

You are now my new favorite client.

I cannot wait to get you a producer credit on "College Musical."

That's hilarious, Ari. How about a signing present?

Something with four wheels and leather seats.

Consider it done, my friend. Later.

Later. I'd buy that lunchbox, by the way.

I'm really sorry.

Ashley doesn't trust me.

I never had a girl that trusted me. It sucks.

Yeah, but E's as trustworthy as they get.

He's like a Toyota. I did lie to her about Sloan calling me.

Look, E, do you really like this girl? Yeah, I do.

Then you're gonna have to earn back her trust.

Never happen. Girls have memories like elephants.

You get caught lying once, you're done, no matter what they tell you.

What do you know about relationships? Everything.

I agree with Vince. I think if you're a good guy you can prove it.

Thank you. Please.

Vincent! Hey, Frank.

You're looking good. I like this look on you. It's excellent.

Hey, Eric. Hey, Frank.

Hey, Frank, how are you?

Yeah... yeah, it's makeup. Eew.

So are you getting ready, huh? 21 days.

I'm so excited. I really want to get back to work.

You and me both. The sets are almost completely rebuilt.

They're real... who are these guys?

Oh, we're having a bit of a security issue.

Don't worry, it won't affect the movie.

Mr. Chase? Yeah?

That was Aaron. We momentarily lost track of our target.

He would like you to come back home for the time being.

How do you lose a tail? It's okay. I'll finish up the fitting.

Nothing's going to happen. Whoa whoa whoa.

Vince, what's going on? I think I might have a stalker.

We don't know that yet. A stalker?

Not good, man, listen, after "Shawshank" came out, I got all these letters from convicts... most very complimentary, but there was this one guy, sent me like 50 letters saying that when he got out he was going to Shawshank me in the ass.

Who couldn't love that movie?

So what happened? The guy got paroled.

Sure enough, one day he shows up on my doorstep.

Jesus. What'd you do?

I sh*t him. Oh, Frank.

No no, I'm serious. I sh*t him in the ass.

Here. Hey hey hey.

It's okay, he's a director. Relax, fellas, I know what I'm doing.

Safety's on, take this one. I got a whole bunch more at home.

Oh no, we've already had a bit of a g*n issue.

Really? It was Turtle's fault.

You sure? Yes, thank you.

All right, but I'm telling you something:

sh*t like this is not to be trifled with, my friend.

My advice to you, listen to your Israelis.

Go home. We can always do this fitting some other time, yeah?

I could finish this up at the house. Vince?

At the house will be fine. Wonderful. At the house is fine.

Good, thank you, fellas. Thank you, everybody.

Vince, seriously, paranoia.

That's all I'm saying.

Yeah.

Ari Gold's office.

Lloyd, it's Adam Davies. Oh... hi.

Uh, let me see if I can get Mr. Gold.

I'm not calling for Ari, Lloyd.

I'm calling for you. Oh.

Are you happy there? Happy?

How would you like to come work for me?

How would you like to finally be an agent?

Would this be just so you could get back at Ari?

No, Lloyd. Getting back at Ari is the bonus.

That's not great motivation for me. Three-year contract.

Triple what you're making, I'm sure.

Come in, we'll discuss.

I'm sorry, but I can't do that.

If that's a personal call you're on, Lloyd, I'm going to waterboard you.

I have to go. Who was that?

My mother. Ari!

Aaron Sorkin is signed, sealed and delivered.

Beautiful! You hear that, Lloyd?

Yes, congratulations. Now take a good look at this man.

All right, now what do you see in him that you don't see in yourself?

I don't know.

A purpose.

Now call your mother and tell her that you don't have one.

All right? Lunch? Great.

sl*ve, call the Grill and tell them we're on our way.

Ari Gold's office.

Have you reconsidered yet, Lloyd? I'm happy here, really.

This offer won't last forever.

Tick tock.

How can I be calm when baby bro's safety is in the hands of inept gorillas?

Please control your man, Eric. Would you calm down, please?

No, I can't calm down when we're locked up in here like wild animals.

You're not locked up. You're free to leave whenever you want.

I don't get why you just didn't have this guy arrested in the first place.

'Cause we have no actual proof it was him who broke in.

Then you should have had your g*ons stick him in the trunk and give him an Israeli-type warning. You watch too much TV!

Drama, would you let the professionals do theirjobs, please?

Fine. Do your job.

Thank you. So what does this guy do anyway?

He works in a retail shop. Which one?

Maybe we've crossed paths with him before.

Do you spend a lot of time in a place called the Pleasure Chest?

Great mother of God. He does.

Do you have any idea how sick this guy must be if he works at the Pleasure Chest?

Why? You used to spend more time there than the employees.

Yeah, so what? He's a stalker, I'm not.

And he has an unlimited access to dildoes and restraints and this guy lost him!

But we have Vince which is most important.

I'm not feeling like you have anything.

You want me to make you feel something?

Guys. Fine fine.

I'll let the professionals do theirjob.

I'm gonna go take a nap.

That one is a loose cannon.

Pleasure Chest, this is Sadie.

Hey, Sadie, I don't know if you remember me?

I don't remember you, I won't have phone sex with you and I'm a lesbian.

No no no, this is Johnny Chase. We... Drama?

Yeah! Holy sh*t, man. How are you?

Good good. Haven't seen you since you made it big on the network. Yeah, well, I can't really be rolling in there now that I'm a public figure.

Jeez, Drama, turn down the p*rn, will ya?

No, that's not p*rn.

It's Vince. Oh, guess he's good.

Yeah, he's great. Sweet. So what's up?

Look, I wanted to ask you about an employee... Curtis Tucker.

What about him? What do you know about him?

Not much. Quiet, keeps to himself.

Why? I think he's got a hard-on for my baby bro.

Who doesn't?

No, not that kind of a hard-on. More of a stalkerish nature.

Yeah, it wouldn't shock me. Kid is creepy.

Have you seen him? Not since yesterday, no.

But I think he switched shifts so he should be around at, like, 4:00.

Great. Maybe I'll be there too.

You're not going to cause trouble, now are you, Drama?

Would you like it if I did? You know it.

Although I am still recovering from you dislocating my pinkie at that S&M seminar.

Maybe I'll make it up to you. Ciao.

Hey.

Hey. Everything fit okay?

Yeah. I gotta run to the set.

Okay. I thought you were taking a nap?

Later! Later.

Tom, I don't know if it's a real offer or not. I'm just telling you what was said.

Lloyd!

I gotta go. Lloyd!

Coming, Mr. Gold.

Yes, sir. I just spilled water all over my keyboard.

Why? Because you were so busy, you accidentally knocked it over. No, because the only water that is available is in these stupid little cups.

No bottles. Where are the bottles?

In the landfill. You said you wanted to be more green.

That's because Leo was in earshot.

I will switch out your keyboard right away. Good.

Wait till I'm out of the office before you get on your knees.

Ari... Mr. Gold. What?

You know it's been 50 days. 50 days.

You said 100 days of hell and then I'd be an agent. It's been 50.

So I just want to make sure we're still on track.

Still on track? That nothing's changed?

Are you seriously questioning me?

I'm just asking. Because today I was offered a job.

You were offered a job? A real job, Ari.

To be an agent, which of course is what I've always wanted... but to be an agent for you! So I just want to make sure that I'm still going to be in 50 days.

I just added 10 days. Ari, no!

10 more! You want to keep questioning me?

Ari, I just... Or keep telling me about your otherjob opportunities. Ari!

It's "Mr. Gold" for 70... now 80!

Or you can go ahead and represent dancing Chihuahuas or whatever your offer is.

Go ahead, keep questioning me. I dare you.

Please. 90 days.

This is not "The Breakfast Club," Mr. Gold, this is my life.

100 days. You want 10 more?

You just got them. For what?

For what you were thinking.

Now I've got chores for you when you're done cleaning up my keyboard.

Get my car, have it washed. Go get my dry cleaning, bring it to my house, clean up all the dogshit and my neighbor's.

Don't you ever question my word again!

Go. Yes, sir.

What do you mean they lost him? Just what I said.

Now they're following me around as if I'm the problem.

Am I supposed to go home? No no no.

I got the situation under control.

I'm sure you do. Did I look weird today?

Like I memorize you every morning.

What do you need, Drama?

I need you to call the house, tell Cohn that you need a man with you.

Why? So I can give this perv a good old-fashioned New York warning.

L... Hey.

I'm Brooke. Hi.

Turtle, are you listening to me? Yes.

I have a homework question. Are you in my class?

No. I'll ask you later.

Ask me what? Turtle, would you stop socializing and call Aaron?

Do you really want to sit around and wait for this guy to come to us?

What the hell? Is that what we are... passive pussies?

My break's over. I've got to get to class.

Come on, Turtle! Fine! Later.

I'm coming as soon as your car is washed.

You haven't done that yet? It's only been 30 minutes, Mr. Gold.

I'm moving as fast as I can.

If you would have dropped the weight like I told you to, you'd be a little more aerodynamic.

I wanted to do it last so it was as fresh as possible.

Jesus Christ, 10 more days.

Ari, why? Because you're weak, Lloyd.

I am not. Don't cry.

I am not crying! Because I will add a whole new lifetime if you start crying.

I am not crying, Ari. It's "Mr. Gold."

I'm not f*cking crying, Mr. Gold!

Oh my God!

What happened? I've been hit.

What? You've been hit... rear-ended.

Oh God. Jesus Christ!

Are you kidding me?! Ari, it wasn't my fault.

Everything is your fault. It's your fault because you accused me of crying when I wasn't and accused me of being weak when I'm not!

You're blaming me for you crashing my car?

I'm blaming you for ruining my life!

Get your ass back here before you say something you're going to regret.

I regret ever having met you, Ari Gold.

Your car is on Wilshire and Crescent waiting for you.

You're abandoning it?! Yes, and I'm abandoning you!

Lloyd? Lloyd!

Lloyd!

Johnny Drama.

Hey, Sadie, good to see you.

You too. What's up with your face?

It's makeup. Sexy.

Is he here yet? No, not yet.

Why don't you browse? Cool.

I'll be in bondage.

I'll sneak away when I can.

You want to double tonight?

With who? You and the clothing girl?

She's cool. You've known her for 20 minutes.

How do you know? Good instincts.

I think I gotta go alone. I've got some work to do with Ashley.

Speaking of which.

Are your ears burning? We were talking about you.

Where are you? I'm at Vince's.

I thought you were gonna be at the office all day.

Yeah, I thought so too, but something came up. Where are you?

At your office. Oh.

I wanted to surprise you. Oh, I'm sorry.

I met your assistant.

Vince, we've got a problem.

There's a problem here. Can I call you back?

Um... yeah, sure!

Bye. What happened?

Your crazy brother is inside the Pleasure Chest.

We've got sight of our main suspect. He's pulling up there right now.

I'm gonna call him. No no, I'll call him.

Hey, Curtis. How you doing?

All right. What's going on?

Hello, Curtis, how are you?

I'm okay. Do I know you?

I don't know, do you?

You look kind of familiar.

Walk with me, Curtis. I'd like to ask you a few questions.

All right, thanks. I'll email you. All right, later.

Hey! Sorry.

What's up?

I don't really have a homework question.

No, you just like to laugh at me?

I haven't been laughing at you. They have.

I think you're really cute.

Really? Yeah.

So why are they laughing at me? They know things.

Like what? Like that you live in quite the house.

How do they know that? 1250 North Crossroads Drive.

What's that about?

I have a roommate. And a dog.

And you prefer boxers to briefs.

What the hell is going on!

They're all wearing your underwear.

See? Whoo!

Our rush chairman told us we had to steal Jamie-Lynn Sigler's boyfriend's underwear.

Sorry.

You broke in and stole my underwear? No, not me.

I only wear thongs.

Vincent Chase! Vincent Chase.

What about him? Admit it, you were at his house.

I wasn't. You were.

And I found your license to prove it.

I lost this license years ago. Where did you find it?

In the couch! Where did you get the couch?

What does it matter? H.D. Buttercup?

Yeah, maybe.

How did you know? I used to sell furniture there.

Maybe it fell in. Bullshit!

How long have you been stalking Vince?

Uh, Johnny, Vince is on the phone.

He says to tell you it was all a sorority prank on Turtle.

Here's my current license.

It's not lost, see?

Oh.

Who would have thought that a girl would want to get in my underwear before Vince's?

Who would have thought anyone would have wanted to get anywhere near your underwear?

Don't be bitter because I have more fans than you.

You gonna tell Jamie? No.

Drama stopped the real stalker in my story.

Good move. If he was the real one, I would have stopped him. Trust me.

All right, guys, what do you want to do tonight?

Celebrate our freedom. E, you got Ashley?

I called her, I haven't heard back yet.

I gotta work. I don't think that face would do great in clubs anyway.

I think that makeup's bringing on some adult acne.

Right? Oh ho ho!

I'm gonna k*ll you, Drama. You and what sorority sister?

So, listen, Vinnie, I'm glad it all worked out.

So are you gonna join us out tonight?

Naw, no can do. Got a mess I'm dealing with here at the office.

Everything okay? It will be.

Okay, talk later. All right, later.

Hi, Mr. Gold.

I'm Craig.

H.R. Sent me down to fill in for Lloyd.

Great.

I really look forward to helping you out.

Uh, do you know when he'll be back?

You want the truth?

Sure. Uh, he won't.

I k*lled him.

I sh*t him and I buried him underneath my desk.

Any more questions? Uh, no.

Good. Now get out of here before I k*ll you too.