06x11 - Scared Straight

[bunniefuu]

I have no idea what I'm doing out of the house right now.

You're gonna have one drink, Johnny, relax.

Better make it a fast one. I need my beauty sleep for tomorrow.

You needed to start sleeping years ago if you were gonna have any sh*t at being beautiful, Drama.

Why can't you ever just be supportive?

Sorry, I'm just being funny. Well, you're not.

Tomorrow's audition is the most important of my life.

I apologize. I don't accept.

He's sad Jamie's leaving, Johnny.

Why isn't he with her instead of here abusing me?

'Cause she's at a meet and greet with her new cast mates and I'm gonna go sleep there later. Well, la-di-da.

That's Jamie, she's done early. I'm out.

Shut up. It's her last night.

Okay okay. No tears, p*ssy.

Later. Later.

Hey, Johnny, if you want to go too, I understand. I can just roll with E.

It looks like his dance card is already filled, bro.

Wow, E making out in public.

That's something I never thought I'd see.

I think I know that broad. Really?

Yo, E, what's up? Hey, what's up?

Hey, Tara. Oh, hey, Johnny.

How are you? Good. How you doing?

I'm good. You guys know each other?

Oh yeah. How do you know each other?

Calm down, E. I can't calm down.

When were you with her? When were you?

Last week. Ha, I b*at you by four months.

I'm sick. E, I've had most of this town.

It was bound to happen that our trees would dabble in the same forest at some point.

I figured it would happen with Vince at some point, not you.

Hey, we're still young. God, I'm nauseous.

Now you're insulting me, E. Yeah, and lighten up.

Four months was a long time ago.

This girl wasn't for you anyway.

Why not? 'Cause she's real slutty.

Let's roll.

What do you mean, she's real slutty?

She might have given me something.

Shut up! I can't be sure.

I was on a real hot streak when it happened, but she was the prime suspect.

Are you joking? Relax, E, you'll be fine.

Yeah, you covered up, right? Yeah.

Did you?

I said yeah.

You twitched.

The classic no-condom tell.

You didn't wear a bag? I didn't have one.

She told me she was on the pill.

Oh, E, rookie mistake. I've got to go home and take a shower.

I'd pick up some Clorox if I was you.

Tomorrow morning I'm waking up and I'm calling my doctor first thing.

Looks like we both need a little Irish luck tomorrow.

Good morning, Mr. Gold. Who are you?

Matt Wahlberg. H.R. Sent me up.

They said you were unhappy with your assistant.

I've been unhappy with the last three they sent.

I got you a blueberry bran muffin from the Belwood Bakery.

I was told it was your favorite.

It is.

Except this is cranberry.

What? See the red berries?

Um, I asked for blue.

Did you check? No.

Bye, Matt. So back to Human Resources?

Back to the lowa farmhouse that breastfed you till 15.

Running a little late, Ari? Oh, Jesus!

Terrance, what the hell are you doing here?

Perhaps it's budgetary cuts.

There was no one minding your desk.

Perhaps I should have security escort you out the way yours did me.

I suppose you could do that. What do you want?

I have some business I'd like to discuss. At your age?

Shouldn't you have more important concerns?

Like finding an assisted-living facility?

Listen, I've got to tell you, Ari, this place...

I mean, it's amazing.

I can't believe how quickly you've gotten back on your feet.

I'm more than back on my feet, I'm towering over you.

Ah, Ari, still the same snippy little boy.

Terrance, if you have business to discuss, start discussing, 'cause I'm busy with my own business.

Obviously I need this to be discreet.

What, you want a merger?

Your star pupil walks out on you... I want you to buy me out.

Why would I want to?

Obviously that's up to you to decide.

I'm putting it out there to you first before I'm offering it to anyone else.

Why am I so fortunate?

I just want a simple deal, minimum hassles.

Now if you're interested, we could go there.

If not, then all right, so be it.

Well then, I'll go.

How much?

100. Come on.

I know your business inside and out. That's ridiculous.

I don't think it is.

Our backend on "Seinfeld" and "Friends" alone will keep you in green for decades.

You just think about it. I just did.

If you change your mind, you know where I am.

Clubbing baby seals somewhere?

You've got 24 hours.

24... f*ck it. Llo...

I'm downloading you the new Empire of the Sun album.

I thought you were picking songs for you.

I started to, but I gave up when I came across your Boyz II Men collection.

Drama must have put that on my computer.

Oh, yeah yeah. Whatever. I do have a sensitive side.

I know. Now let's go.

Your last meal is ready. Spaghetti Bolognese from Madeo, spicy tuna rolls from Katsuya and lobster mash from Mastro's.

Interesting combo for 11:00 A.M.

I wanted it to be special. It is.

I don't want to leave.

You may not be able to if you don't finish packing.

Seriously, I don't feel ready.

We haven't even talked about us and how we're gonna handle this.

We're gonna talk on the phone 10 times a day and I'm gonna come visit. You think it's that easy?

I know it is.

Now can we please put the computer away and enjoy 3500 calories?

Yes. One sec. I just want to check if my flight's on time.

All right. What's this?

What?

It says you've got a new Facebook friend.

Oh yeah?

The girl from U.C.L. A?

"Let's get those brews on ice."

"Let's get those brews on ice."

Oh, you've got no sh*t, Drama.

Yo, Faustino. What up?

Nada, just testing on a new pilot.

Annihilated it. Nice nice.

What about you? What are you doing?

Testing for the new "Melrose."

Didn't they throw you off that thing once?

Yeah well, it's a new day.

Bad ass. Yeah.

So how you feeling about it? Confident.

I got this down cold. Nice.

Johnny. Hey, Phil.

Rock it, man. Later, bro.

Hey, guys. You ready?

Yeah, I'm ready. You guys ready?

Absolutely. We're just waiting for the director.

Cool. There he is.

He's directing? Yeah, you know him?

Uh-huh. Great. Awesome. I'll see you inside.

How many sexual partners have you had?

I'm just worried about this one in particular.

I still need to get a general idea of your history.

I don't know, the normal amount.

Multiple partners. Any group sex?

Is this really relevant? Yes.

Uh, I had a threesome once with two girls.

Ever given a**l sex? I tried once. No.

Ever received? No!

Do you use protection? Usually.

Not this time, obviously.

And this partner told you that she may have something?

Well, no, but a friend of mine who was with her thinks she may have given him something.

Oh. Yeah, tell me about it.

Well, we're still gonna need to get a swab.

What are you gonna do with that thing?

Exactly what you're hoping I won't do.

If you're leaving for four months it's silly to go out now.

I'll be back. Let's go.

How was it? I feel violated.

I'll call you.

Of course we want it, if we can get it at the right price.

But 100 sounds ridiculous.

It's beyond ridiculous. But if we can pull this off...

We're the largest agency in the world.

Music, publishing, sports. It's got a nice ring to it.

Not for 100, it doesn't.

The question is what's his real price?

The question is why is he coming to you first?

Says we can make an easy deal.

You two hate each other! That doesn't sound very easy.

No, it doesn't. I worked for Terrance for 14 years.

He doesn't like easy. He likes a fight.

So he's trying to make Ari look stupid.

I didn't say that. No, I did.

He won't. You just tell me if we want this.

Not for 100, we don't.

Hi, Mr. Gold. I'm Jake Steinberg.

H.R. Sent me up to replace your last assistant.

I don't care. Get me Eddie Kapowski on the phone.

Any relation to Kelly Kapowski? You know, "Saved by the Bell."

You're finished. Go.

You're f*cking fired.

Kapowski here.

It's Ari. I got a gig for you.

Talk to me.

I need you to find every piece of current information on Terrance McQuewick.

Sorry, Ari. No can do.

I've got a conflict. What kind of conflict?

I can't say. Does it involve me?

What do you mean?

Is that son of a bitch looking at me for some reason?

Ari.

Are you? Ari.

Would you do that? No, I wouldn't.

How would I know if you're lying to me?

You wouldn't. But I'm not.

Where are you? I'm not wherever you are, so relax.

Eddie, I have given you tons of business over the years.

I want one answer.

Has Terrance McQuewick hired you to look at me?

No, Ari. Terrance hasn't hired me to do anything.

But that's all I can tell you, all right? I'm sorry.

I think you're overreacting. Oh, you do?

It was a harmless little click of the mouse.

Do you know how many people request to be my friend?

I don't accept them all. I didn't want to be rude.

This is really convenient timing though, wouldn't you say?

No, it's terrible timing, 'cause now you're gonna leave all upset.

Sorry for your guilt.

Jamie, please. This is hard enough already.

Can you please just trust me and forget about it?

I know I'm forgetting something.

You have everything. I looked under the bed. I opened every drawer.

I just want to make sure you and I are okay.

Then delete her. Delete her?

Yeah, take her off your friends list.

Done. Feel better?

Not really.

Jamie, come on. Do you want me to go?

No, I don't want you to go.

But this is gonna be a great opportunity.

It's gonna be amazing for you.

I'm really gonna miss you.

Baby, no. Don't cry.

I'll be waiting right here for you when you get back.

Johnny, you're making yourself crazy.

No, they're making me crazy. This was a setup.

No, it wasn't. Why didn't you know about this?

Why didn't you prepare me?

Why didn't you tell me I had a conflict with the director?

I can't keep track of all your conflicts, Johnny.

This guy's an animal. Charm him with your winning smile.

Mr. Chase, they're ready for you.

Great, they're ready.

Johnny Drama, this is your moment.

Now step up and shine bright for all the world to see.

I got to go.

Break a leg.

Johnny Chase, everyone. Okay.

Hey, everyone. Sorry to keep you waiting, Johnny.

Technical problems with the camera. That's okay.

Just as long as you weren't freezing me out

'cause this guy is still mad at me.

Why would he be mad at you?

Last time John auditioned for me one of my colleagues kept checking his email. John got a little upset.

Yeah, but it's okay now. You can talk in the middle of my audition.

You can scream and yell... whatever. Nothing fazes me anymore.

That's good, Johnny, 'cause we don't want to try and faze you.

Just relax. Everybody here is hoping that you're the guy.

In fact, I'm gonna turn this off right now so there's nothing to distract you, okay?

Thank you. You're welcome. Let's do this.

Okay, let's do it.

Two seconds.

Here we go.

All right, gentlemen. Let's do this. Oh!

I'm sorry. I guess I'm here early. Nobody was...

That's okay, Dean. We're just running a little behind.

We'll be about five minutes. I'll just wait outside.

Hey, Drama. Dean.

Good luck, man. Sorry.

Okay, here we go. He's testing too?

I thought it was just me. Don't worry about Dean, John.

f*cking Superman. Hey, you're gonna do great.

It's your job to lose.

Okay, let's do it.

God, I haven't auditioned in like three years.

Do you guys mind if I just step out for a second?

We're kind of on a tight schedule.

I'll be right back. Hey, John.

That's a meltdown. Uh-huh.

Come on, Johnny, you've got to get back in there.

Bro, I can't. I think I'm having a heart att*ck.

Just take a deep breath. You know you're only having a panic att*ck.

I've had 100 panic att*cks in my life, this isn't a panic att*ck.

Johnny... Vince.

Yes, Johnny? I think I peed myself.

Uh... okay, Johnny, I'm coming to get you.

Hurry, bro.

I've got to go.

Someone's running behind.

I had a doctor's appointment. Oh, I didn't know.

It was a last minute thing. Everything okay?

Yeah yeah. But if he calls, just put it right through, please.

Sure. Here are your other messages. Also, my friend Ricky called.

Hate to get involved, but I think she kind of likes you.

Oh, cool. So should I tell her you'll call her?

Yeah, I'm gonna be taking a break from the dating pool for a while.

Murphy Group, hey. What's up, Scott?

What's up, mama? So I heard you had a wild party night at Villa.

Oh yeah? How'd you hear that?

The girl that you were sucking face with, Tara, I know her... well, some friends of mine actually know her.

Well... I didn't hear anything.

Scott. Yeah?

What do your friends know about her?

Uh, she's not like your girlfriend or anything?

She's not my girlfriend. I don't even know the girl.

Well, you know her a little bit. What do I know?

I don't know. The same thing I know. What do you know?

That she keeps it moving, babe. She gets around.

She gets around? Scott, what are you saying? Have you been with her?

No, not my style.

The girl's like a Petri dish. What do you know?

I know that Cliff Cantor and Rick Salomon double teamed her at a party a couple weeks ago, which is not excellent for you.

Jesus. Oh hey, listen.

You know what? If you like her, you can change her.

A nice boy like you can reform a girl like that.

You got to get the doctor on the phone. Vince just called. He's on his way to the hospital with Drama. Why?

He thinks Drama had a heart att*ck. Oh my God.

They're on their way to Cedars. Text me where I'm going.

Melinda. My love, how are you?

Ari Gold, long time. What are you doing here?

I have a meeting. TV stuff, boring. Funny running into you.

I just saw your husband. Really?

Yeah, still not looking quite alive enough to have gotten you.

Uh-huh. How was your little reunion?

There's still some bitterness there. I bet.

Yeah. So has he said anything about that lately?

Anything about what? Anything about our bitterness?

Uh, no, Ari. We don't talk about you very often.

Oh, come on, Melinda.

You used to talk about me very often before you met Terrance.

What is this? What?

Did you come here for a reason?

Yes I did. Then speak.

Terrance came to me this morning, as I'm sure you know, because he would like for me to buy him out.

I didn't know.

Yeah, that's great. But I know you know.

I don't know anything, Ari.

Melinda, come on. We had a moment of flirtation.

I'm sorry if you're bitter also because I chose my wife over you.

But I represented your talent pretty well for a long time.

Revisionist history, Ari.

You chose your wife over me 'cause you couldn't get me.

And you represented me over her 'cause I had more talent.

Line up our resumes, I think most would agree.

Melinda, I know how much Terrance trusts you.

Now if you guys want out, I'm in.

But I got you your first job, so don't let me be played.

Honey, you know you never get played.

And all I'll tell you is this...

I'm no longer on the inside.

Look up a 25-year-old D-cup named Kelsey.

Maybe she can help. What do you mean?

I mean my husband is a lying scumbag and I had no idea he was trying to sell... until right now.

So you hired Eddie Kapowski?

I'm late for my pole-dancing class, Ari.

I guess I'm really going.

Yeah.

You're so strong. No tears at all.

I'm a guy. We don't cry.

Not even on really sad occasions?

I'm crying on the inside.

Turtle, I've been thinking a lot about this whole separation and the Facebook thing.

You've been thinking since lunch?

I guess before that too.

It's why I got so upset.

I made this decision to leave and you shouldn't have to suffer because of me.

What are you talking about?

If you want to see other people while I'm gone, I understand.

I don't want to see other people. You say that now.

Jamie. Turtle, I swear this is not a punishment.

I just think it's the right thing.

You drop this on me while we're at the airport?

I'm sorry, but I don't want you to end up hating me.

Jamie, I could never hate you.

I've got to go. Jamie.

Is this 'cause I didn't cry?

No.

This is because I love you.

When I get out of here I'm gonna change everything about my life... what I eat, what I drink.

Who you bang. I know I'm gonna change that.

Let's hope I can still bang after this. You're gonna be fine.

Drama, what did Tara give you? You never said.

I'm dying over here and you're worried about you?

I'm sorry.

Do you itch at all? No.

Hello, John. Hey, Doc.

How am I looking? Am I ever gonna get out of here?

You are free to go. Oh, thank God.

It was just a panic att*ck? No, it was a little more serious than that.

I told you. So what is it?

Takotsubo cardiomyopathy.

Its symptoms mimic a heart att*ck but are brought on by real-life emotional stress.

You have any of that? Tons.

It's often misdiagnosed. Fortunately in Hollywood, we see it a lot.

Though nine times out of 10 it's seen in women.

In women? So what does he have to do?

Relax. I'm gonna give him some medication to help.

This type of occurrence could bring on a real heart att*ck.

Fortunately this time it didn't.

Thanks, Doc. Take care, guys.

Oh, loved "Gatsby," Vince.

Thanks. Thanks, Doc.

See, Johnny? You're all good.

I'm not all good at all, bro.

Look what I've done to myself.

You had a lot riding on this.

We'll make a couple calls. You'll be fine.

Great, it's my doctor.

Well, answer it. You'll be fine too.

Hello.

Speaking.

Okay.

Yeah.

Okay. Bye.

Well? They don't give results over the phone.

I've got to go in to the office. Want me to roll with?

I'm fine. I'll catch up with you guys later.

I've got to call Lloyd.

We have much to be thankful for today, Johnny Drama.

Oh yeah, what? I spoke to Phil Yagoda.

Yeah? And he's gonna see you again.

Really? They're gonna see me again.

That's great. How?

I'm a miracle worker.

You may need a note from your doctor that says this was in fact real.

Was it real? And two, you may need to pass a physical.

But you're still alive, Johnny Drama, both literally and figuratively.

Look, tell him I said thanks but no thanks.

What what what?

I thought I was gonna die today and for what?

"Melrose Place the Next Generation"?

Johnny, you got out of your "Five Towns" contract for this.

Yeah well, maybe it was meant to be.

I'm gonna take some time and reassess.

Reassess what? My life.

I strongly advise against this, Johnny.

You take another break from the spotlight, you could very well be gone for good.

I had a real wake-up call today, Lloyd.

Johnny... I'll be in touch.

You sure about this?

No.

But for now it feels right.

Sick, twisted, demented actors.

Why did I ever get into this business?

Lloyd, Lloyd. What? What?

Ari Gold is heading up the elevator.

Oh good God!

You haven't seen me.

Ari? Where's Terrance?

Conference room.

Where we've clearly fallen behind the eight ball is in reality...

I'm sorry, are you guys busy?

What is this, Ari?

Well, you made an unannounced pop over today and I wanted to return the favor.

This is not very discreet. I hate discretion.

I want to put my cards on the table. Anyone want to see them?

Everyone, get out. Quickly.

So you've reconsidered? I have.

But not for 100. Do you have an offer?

I do.

What's this? It's a vag*na. What does it look like?

What's the meaning of this?

It means that I'm amazed that it's taken you this long, but once again you have let a vag*na get you into trouble.

What are you talking about, Ari?

I think you know. You and I have always understood each other without saying too much. That's why we were so good together.

But you f*cked me and now you've f*cked someone else.

And now I'm gonna f*ck you.

I don't know what you think you know. I know you got busted again.

And I know you don't want to sell this company in the middle of an ugly divorce.

Especially with Melinda. She's tough.

Melinda and I are great, thank you.

How are you and Kelsey?

That stupid bitch told you?

Have you ever heard of a f*cking prenup?

Oh, you have one? I'd k*ll my wife before I got a divorce.

And I'll tell you something: This is my first marriage, not my fourth.

What do you want? I want to know if you want to make a deal.

Not if you think you're gonna lowball me, no.

Everyone in this town is gonna lowball you once they find out you're desperate.

I'm not desperate. I just don't want a battle.

65. 85.

That's my drop dead number. Not a dollar less.

I don't care what you think you know.

Otherwise I'll open it up to bidding.

And you'll open yourself up to humiliation.

Don't you want to be on a beach somewhere when Nikki Finke starts flashing pictures of you trying to get your d*ck hard?

I'll f*ck Nikki Finke before I let her affect my business decisions.

85, Ari. I'll give you 75.

Provided that after I do my due diligence, I don't find out that you screwed up everything I did here.

Yes or no?

Have the papers drawn up.

Ciao.

What's going on? Wouldn't you like to know?

Hey, Lloyd. If you're hiding somewhere, go deeper because I will find you soon enough.

Mr. Murphy. Yeah.

It just doesn't add up.

The world's a crazy place. You got to search for what it's telling you.

Would you get off me? Sorry.

She's just freaked is all. Give her some time to settle in.

She'll call. Yo.

Yo, itchy. What's up?

Unlike you, Drama, I still have a disease-free track record.

Hey, congratulations, E.

Still not what I would call a good day.

Want to hear about the worst day?

Jamie broke it off. What?

She didn't break it off. She told me to see other people.

I say you embrace it. Don't do it, Turtle.

Los Angeles is a cesspool.

I screwed up. I wasn't strong enough.

She was testing me and I failed. Don't b*at yourself up.

No, really. I should have stopped her.

All day long she was saying she didn't want to go.

If she didn't want to she wouldn't have.

You got to start thinking about yourself.

I have no self. I don't even know who I am without Jamie.

I'm gonna puke.

Okay, we need to go out and have some fun.

Find some nice clean girls.

Not me, I'm done. E's gone celibate.

No, I'm gonna get Sloan back. E, you had a little scare.

No, it's not about that. I hate dating.

I want to be in a relationship. I want to be in a relationship with Sloan.

E, she said she didn't want you.

Tough sh*t. She's gonna have to take me.

U.C.L.A. Girl wants to know why we're not friends anymore.

You gonna call her? Nope.

I'm calling Jamie. She just left!

I'll leave her a message.

Guys, I'm leaving in a week too, you know?

For four months. I'd like to have a little fun.

I'm free to chase puss with you, bro.

Come on.