In a single gal's life, there are three important firsts.
The first time you have sex, the first time you have good sex and... the first time you see a guy you just started dating's apartment.
Hey. Hi.
Come on in. Okay.
Wow.
Oh, nice.
Very nice.
Thank God.
You were expecting?
Well, one never knows.
Gentlemen left to their own devices...
Oh, you name it, I've seen it.
Pleather couches. Two-foot bongs.
Dead body in a corner. A dead body, huh?
I only went out with him for a week after that.
But, uh, so far, nothing in here says "scary bachelor."
Except me.
Hey, I really like this wall color.
Yeah, I can't take credit for that, that's Lauren.
Ralph Lauren?
No, Lauren, Lauren. My ex... girlfriend.
She was the decorator.
Oh, uh-huh.
I'm sorry. Is that weird? Please.
Please, you have a "decorator," I have a "decorator."
There's really no need for the "ex-decorator" conversation.
Got it.
Should I set the alarm? Do you need to get up early?
Nope, I'm all yours.
Goodnight. Goodnight.
Welcome to my house.
Oh.
Okay, what's going on there?
Oh, uh, that's my sound machine. I'm a troubled sleeper.
Kinda hooked on it.
Oh. Frogs?
Yeah, and cicadas.
Officially, we're in the rainforest.
Oh, that there's a bird.
Well, I feel like I'm camping.
Not a big fan of camping.
Tomorrow morning I'll make you s'mores.
Okay.
I always wondered who bought those.
Actually, it was a gift.
Oh, from...
Yeah, Lauren. Yeah.
She got it for me about two weeks after we started going out.
She hated it when I tossed and turned.
It was her therapist's idea.
Lauren always did everything her therapist...
Mm-hmm, okay, okay.
So... frogs.
What's so bad about frogs?
Goodnight.
You'll see...
After a while, you won't even hear it.
I could only hope he was referring to his ex-decorator's name.
Okay, one drink and then we leave.
And one drink means one drink.
Tell me why we're going to this again?
She's an old friend going through a breakup.
We're being supportive.
On a Friday night?
She tried to k*ll herself.
It was six Advil.
-On an empty stomach.
The good news is I'm off the Zoloft, I lost ten pounds and after that assh*le dumped me, I realized I have this amazing gift for designing bags!
It's a purse party!
Oh!
Isn't this precious?
You can take it to lunch.
Mmm!
Isn't life funny?
Because of that fucker, I've discovered I'm Fendi!
Buy away!
When did making bags become the fallback career?
Someone should tell crazy that owning a hot glue g*n does not make you a hot purse designer.
Don't call her crazy.
Look at this. I'd rather carry a colostomy bag.
Ladies, these aren't bags, they're baggage.
We are standing among the ruins of her last relationship.
And it was one ugly break-up.
I resent this.
The only one who should have to pay for a bad relationship is the person in your next relationship.
True, and here's hoping that isn't me.
Last night, Berger started opening the "ex file."
Fascinating. What do you know so far?
Well, her name is Lauren.
She bought him a Sharper Image Sound Machine.
She's a monster. I mean, we just started dating.
Do I really need to hear about the ex already?
Yes! The sooner the better.
Maybe it should be the later the better.
Or better yet, the never the better.
That's good tuna.
Carrie, you have to know where he's been so you know what you're getting.
As long as what you get doesn't itch, I say you're fine.
Look, he has a past, I have a past.
Do our pasts really have to have a present?
Yes! At least find out how they broke up.
That will tell you a lot about their relationship.
See, I was hoping to skip all that and start fresh this time.
Is that crazy?
No, here comes crazy.
Look at this one. Little shoes!
Isn't this fun?
I mean, who needs a balding 38-year-old boyfriend with erectile dysfunction when you can have a new career and cute cater waiters?
Excuse me, champagne for the girls!
Have fun!
Katie.
Hi! Shoes!
Hey, doesn't that waiter look familiar?
I f*cked him.
Oh, that guy.
It's that waiter from Raw. Also known as the best sex I've had in years.
Champagne, ladies?
This party just got a whole lot more exciting.
Okay, just one glass and then we've got dinner reservations at 66, yes?
Okay, but I can't stay out late because I have a 9:00 a.m. conversion class at the synagogue.
You had a two-hour class today.
I know!
I'm accelerating my studies.
There's just so much to take in.
The history, the tradition, the philosophy...
Oy.
You guys...
That was my first "oy."
Hi, Victoria! Hi!
A whole bunch of folks just arrived so I'm gonna need some more tuna tartlets!
All right.
Hello?
Oh, my God! Oh, God.
I'm way too f*cking fragile to see this!
You're fired!
This is my big purse party!
Victoria, does this come in any other colors?
Do I look like a f*cking department store?
Get the f*ck out of my apartment!
All you b*tches get out of my apartment!
Give it!
Look what you did!
I cut up my bedspread for this!
Okay, dinner time.
The next day at Temple Emanuel...
Soon, you'll be ready for your mikvah.
Who can tell me what the mikvah is?
Yes, Charlotte?
It's the ceremony that marks our official conversion to Judaism.
Very good.
And what does the service entail?
Yes, Charlotte?
It's a ritual bath where we are immersed in water and reborn a Jew.
Very good.
Charlotte, always the straight A student, took to her Judaism class like a gefilte fish to water.
As you come to your rebirth as a Jew, you will find special and new traditions to embrace.
However, you must also bear in mind that you will be letting go of your Christian traditions.
Many find Christmas to be the most difficult to leave in the past.
You must grieve this loss.
It can be quite hard.
And speaking of the past...
It's half past two. You're 20 minutes late.
I know. I got held up.
I'm barely gonna make my appointment.
I'm sorry.
Debbie had car trouble so I took a cab.
Debbie? Who's Debbie?
Debbie, the girl I'm seeing.
Oh.
So Brady's changed and ready to go.
Don't forget the diaper bag.
And please try to have him back on time tomorrow.
I'm sorry, I'm never late. It's just her car...
Steve, I don't need to know!
I just need you not to be 20 minutes late again.
Thanks.
Excuse me, Rabbi Minsch? Yes, Charlotte?
Um, I was just wondering, what you said about Christmas.
How exactly black and white is that?
Charlotte, as a Jew, you have to embrace the new holidays and let go of the old.
Keeping Christmas would be like being a vegetarian and still eating meat.
Well, I wouldn't go to church or anything, but maybe I could still have a tree?
No.
Caroling? Uh-uh.
Rudolph?
But Rabbi Minsch...
Charlotte, if you are serious about becoming a Jew, you have to let go of the attachments to your past.
From that day on, Charlotte would always think of him as the Minsch who stole Christmas.
That night, miles from the Amazon, I was just drifting off to sleep when...
Hello?
Remember that red dress you had?
What?
Where are you?
In California.
In bed.
Oh.
I was sleeping.
Alone?
Yes, you woke me up.
You never used to need so much sleep, kid.
I'm old now...
Like you.
So the red dress?
Versace or Gucci?
It had tiny little straps.
Gucci.
And when I slipped one strap down, the other would fall.
Remember that dress?
Yes.
You looked good in that dress.
Yes.
Remember when I found you in your closet in just heels and a bra?
And I came up behind you and put your hands against the wall?
Remember that, hmm?
Yes!
So what'd you do last night?
Oh, nothing. Went to bed early.
Had accidental phone sex with Big.
What? Brunch is suddenly looking up.
Well, actually, he had phone sex, I was on the other end trying to figure out a polite way to get out of it.
Turns out, there is no polite way to get out of phone sex.
I wasn't aware that you and Big had phone sex.
Occasionally, since he moved away.
You have phone sex?
Well, I prefer to think of it not as phone sex so much as a trip down memory lane.
Well, the next time he calls, just tell him that you're in a serious relationship with Berger.
But I'm not in a serious relationship with Berger.
We're still just dating.
I mean, it's good dating, but we don't know where it's going yet.
Well, you're never gonna know where it's going if you keep "reminiscing" with Big.
One doesn't have anything to do with the other.
I just don't know why you want to drag all that Big baggage into the new relationship.
It's not baggage, it's "Biggage."
And Big is no more a thr*at to Berger than Lauren is to me.
Thank you.
It's all in the past.
And on your phone bill.
He called me.
I'm a lady.
Oh, come on, pudding. I'll get your pacifier.
Yeah.
Look at all the sh*t Steve has in here.
Oh, honey, isn't the baby birth control enough?
They're Steve's and Debbie's... his new girlfriend, that's her name...
Debbie.
Where are they doing it? Gymboree?
"Debbie does day care."
Oh, honey, relax.
I have those in my mouth all the time.
Later that day, I got to thinking about tense relationships.
And by that I mean a relationship and its connection to the past, present, and future tense.
At a certain age, we've all had relationships that are far from "past perfect."
But how much does that past relationship affect our dream of a future perfect?
And as I became more and more tense, I couldn't help but wonder, can you get to a future if your past is present?
And over at Samantha's... a day of great sex was about to fade into the past.
Are you absolutely sure you can't stay?
Yeah, I gotta pull an extra shift over at the restaurant.
I got fired from my other gig, remember?
Listen, I do feel bad about what happened.
And I wanted you to have this...
$300.00?
I made some calls.
That is what the A-list caterers pay.
Lady, you are f*cking out of your mind.
The next morning, after another fitful night of frogs...
So are you gonna be okay here?
Absolutely, go.
You know, it's just a stupid standing breakfast thing with a bunch of writer buddies.
I'd ask you along, but we're a pretty pathetic bunch.
Please, go.
And for the record, you, my friend, are not pathetic.
Ah.
Hey, you gonna get that?
Do you know what? 9:30 in the morning?
"Telemarketer."
I think that's a two-word hyphenate.
Hey, Jack. It's Lauren...
It was official.
Lauren controlled every machine in the apartment.
And, uh... call me. I want to talk to you.
f*ck you!
And f*ck you!
B'bye.
B'bye.
You don't want your new boyfriend to still be in love with the ex, but you don't want...
That is not the way you talk to your ex-decorator.
Damn it, just when you thought you didn't have to open the ex file.
So he's doing a "f*ck you" to the ex.
As long as he keeps f*cking you, what's the problem?
The problem is, what's going on there?
What big thing happened between them that would cause a double finger situation?
And if it wasn't big, why is he still so angry?
Does he have a problem with anger?
And here come the questions.
You're right, men are crazy.
I f*cked that waiter at the party and he got fired for it, so I gave him $300 the next time we f*cked, and now I think he's upset.
Okay, not the same situation.
I don't see what the problem is.
It's like a big tip.
No, $300 in a restaurant is a big tip.
$300 in the bedroom is a big prost*tute.
Well, at least it wasn't phone sex.
He called me.
Yeah, keep telling yourself that.
Right on time.
And I appreciate that.
I do! Come in.
I'm just getting Brady ready to go out for a night with his dad.
Packing up the old diaper bag.
Making sure he has everything he needs.
Uh, bottle. Binky.
Trojans.
Look, Miranda...
I'm not exactly thrilled that our baby is having sex already, but I sure am glad he's using protection.
Ha ha, ho ho. Got your point. Very funny.
No, Steve, not funny.
f*cked up.
Come on, it's just condoms.
In the diaper bag, Steve?
How much sex are you having that you need rubbers in the diaper bag?
What's it to you?
Apparently, some of Miranda's baggage had shifted during fight.
I just don't think you're taking this parenting thing seriously.
What? You show up late to pick him up.
One time.
More than one time.
There was that time...
That other time when you were late.
Okay, what's your problem?
This is not about me. This is about your need to start taking responsibility for your child.
And clearly there are times when you can't because your mind is somewhere else.
What are you talking about?
Like when your penis is in some girl's vag*na and you're having an orgasm while our baby is quietly suffocating in the other room.
Debbie and I never do it when he's awake.
Okay, Steve, you're not getting this!
I am saying your focus needs to be totally and completely on Brady.
My focus is always 100% on Brady.
Brady!
See?
That night, the only thing Miranda and Steve could agree on was separate diaper bags.
♪ And may all your Christmas' Be white ♪
♪ I'm dreaming Of a white Christmas... ♪ Hey, beautiful. I'm here!
What's all this?
It's my last Christmas tree.
It's July.
That's right. So it doesn't count.
Charlotte, honey, you can have a tree.
Lots of Jews do.
Hmm-hmm, it wouldn't be appropriate.
Oh, look! Oh, it's my favorite ornament.
"Silent night, holy night."
See, that's the holy family in the nativity.
This was my grandma York's.
It's so old.
See how there's hardly any glitter left on the baby Jesus?
It's very rare to have a blue Christmas ornament.
Is that a fact?
Yeah.
They're usually red or green.
Silver, and gold.
Keep Christmas. Who cares?
I do.
I'm gonna do this right.
I'm not gonna be a meat-eating vegetarian.
No, these all have to go.
Except this one. We're keeping this.
What the hell? They were Jews too.
♪ Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel I made it out of clay ♪
♪ And when it's... Something something... ♪ Dry and ready.
Impressive. Dry and ready.
Oh dreidel, I will play.
That night, Charlotte realized the memories she was giving up might be nothing compared to the memories she was getting.
And Samantha realized, to make things right, she would need to service someone else for a change.
Hello.
My name is Samantha.
I'll be your waitress this evening.
Tonight, I will be serving you.
You are f*cking crazy.
Oh, Mister Waiter, you have no idea.
You don't know my name, do you?
Of course I do... Paul.
It's Jerry.
I took a sh*t.
When you're a waiter, you must always be aware that the customer comes first.
It's a hard, hard job.
You know, uh, Samantha, I'm not just a waiter.
Mm. Is that right, Jamie?
Jerry.
Jerry.
Yeah, I'm an actor.
Oh, God, there goes my hard-on.
It's a good thing I still have mine.
Samantha had had many waiters in her past, but to the present day, this was her very first Jerry.
As for me...
I spent another night not sleeping in Berger's bed.
You okay?
No, I can't sleep.
Is it the frogs?
No, the frogs are fine.
What's up?
Nothing.
Nothing. Go back to sleep.
Jesus.
It's the frogs. I'll turn it off.
No, no. It's not the frogs.
It's Lauren. What about her?
Okay, for the record, I was hoping to skip this and start fresh, but what's going on with you and the double finger?
The double what?
The other day, to the answering machine.
Right.
Do we need to talk about this?
She just drives me crazy.
You know, she keeps calling here.
She wants to go out to lunch for "closure," that's her word.
I would never say closure, certainly not at 2:00 in the morning.
She keeps bugging me.
She thinks it's important in order to move on.
What do you think?
I think that it's gonna take a lot more than a lunch.
What?
No, it's embarrassing.
She cheated on me. That's how it ended.
Uh, she broke my heart.
And it pretty much k*lled me.
And, uh, I was dead... till you.
And then, there is another important first...
The first time you realize this really might be something.
You ever been that hurt?
Yeah.
Do you want to tell me about it?
Sure.
And just like that, we moved out of the present and into our future.
How much time have you got?
I got all night.
So now, it was time to clear up the past.
Hey, it's me.
Well, hello there.
Have you got a minute?
Yeah, sure.
I'm just relaxing in my hot tub.
Hot tub?
Oh, shame on you. That is such a cliché.
No, a jacuzzi is cliché.
A hot tub is retro.
Hey, remember the time we were in the jacuzzi in the Four Seasons, and you...
Okay, okay.
Hold on there, partner.
This is not gonna be one of those types of calls.
What type of call?
I was talking about when you lost your necklace in the jets.
Oh.
But if you'd like to make it one of those phone calls, I'm $1.50 for the first minute and 50 cents for each additional.
Please stop.
What's on your mind, baby?
I was just calling to tell you that we won't be having any more of those calls.
Aw, really? Why is that?
Because we're just friends now.
Those are friendly calls.
I don't talk to my friends like that.
I do.
Well, maybe that's why you have so few.
You got me there.
I started seeing someone.
Were you seeing someone the other night?
Yes.
But it just got serious.
I see.
So I think we have to leave all that in the past.
Consider it in the past.
But we'll stay friends.
Ah, friends.
Good friends.
Hmm.
His name is Jack Berger.
He's a writer as well.
Okay, kid.
Hey, give me a call sometime.
Any kind of call you want.
That night, in the basement of a synagogue, after 75 accelerated classes, Charlotte, the Episcopalian princess, was reborn a Jew...
leaving the old Charlotte behind.
Was this tub drained before me?
Well, not all of her.
Hey.
I finally figured out what you needed.
Oh, yeah? Mm-hmm.
I thought about it, and I thought about it and I narrowed it down to two choices.
A Pulitzer Prize... or this.
Well, I already have a Pulitzer.
You do? Yeah, I don't like to brag.
Well, then, I chose right.
Hey. It's for a fresh start.
It's the newest sound machine they make, with many other sounds besides frogs.
I don't care for frogs.
New start, new sound.
Deal. Deal.
Deal.
Oh.
That same night, next to Berger, and surf sounds number four, I slept more soundly than I had in as long as I can remember.