I'd been dating the Russian for two months when we hit a relationship benchmark so rare...
-...I didn't even know it existed.
Ah!
He gave me... his alarm code.
And I had the keys made.
You made me a set of keys?
I had my assistant go to the locksmith but yes, keys were made.
Okay, what's the code?
Uh, it's... four... seven.
Um...
Three?
Five?
I'll write it down for you.
It was a kind of security I'd never experienced in a relationship.
His alarm code.
Like it was nothing.
Do you really wanna hear about this now?
Oh, yes, I need the distraction.
Samantha was feeling less secure as we waited for the results of her lumpectomy.
It's gonna be fine, sweetie.
They got it out. It's going to be fine.
I know. I know.
So? Petrovsky?
Oh, okay, well.
It was just so easy, I mean Big made me beg for a key in front of his doorman.
Whereas the Russian... Uh-huh.
...has just welcomed me into his life and his apartment.
Did I mention the extra robe in the bathroom?
Is it as nice as this one?
Even nicer if you can believe it.
Hi! Hello, I'm Dr. Pinkner.
Hi, how do you do? Her friend Carrie.
Hello, Doctor.
Well, Samantha, I have good news. Uh-huh.
The lumpectomy went very well.
Uh-huh. And all your scans look clean and I'd classify you as Stage One.
And One is...
The best. Right?
Yeah. Uh-huh... Okay, okay.
...one is pretty much the best.
Whoo! Ooo! Cold.
Okay. Hey, you're healing nicely.
Now because of the nature of your tumor I would still recommend a course of chemo.
I still have to have...
Chemotherapy, yes, as a precaution.
I... I... I don't understand... how this happened to me.
Well, it could be genetics.
But since there's no breast cancer in your family it could be a variety of factors.
Diet. Lifestyle choices.
Lifestyle choices?
Well, some studies have shown women who haven't had children have an increased chance of getting it.
I see.
So I brought this on myself.
No, I-I'm just givin' you the basic...
I think we're done here.
Uh, maybe I wasn't clear.
Give me my chart. I'm going to find some woman doctor...
Some hot woman doctor who understands what this is all about.
I just meant statistically...
You're lucky to have touched my breasts.
Carrie!
My purse.
It was hard to be huffy in a cloth robe but somehow Samantha pulled it off.
All right then. Good to meet you.
Like it's my fault!
I shouldn't be punished for not having kids, I should be rewarded.
Since when did kids become the get-out-of-cancer-free-card?
He's basically saying that I'm a whore who deserves chemo.
No. I... I don't think that's what he was saying.
What I don't understand is... if they got it all, why do you need chemo?
Because he's an assh*le.
Evidently there can be something microscopic.
Like his d*ck. Excuse me, do you have cancer or Tourette's?
I'm getting a new doctor. A woman.
I think you should. I have heard great things about a Doctor Mc...
Andrew. I'm on it.
Top-rated oncologist by New York Magazine four years running.
I'm trying to get in.
Ugh, I'm sorry.
I gotta get back to the office.
I'm taking a long weekend so I can't take a long lunch.
Long weekend? You never take long weekends.
Steve wanted to go on a little trip so we're driving up to some mountain lodge tomorrow.
It's supposed to be nice.
I...
Slow down there, missus.
Is this... little trip... your honeymoon?
No.
It's just a... whatever.
And yet... you just got married last week, that's interesting.
It's your honeymoon!
Here we go. Who's taking care of Brady?
We're bringing him.
Well, it's not a real honeymoon if Brady's there.
Then I guess it's a "whatever."
Well what have you got against honeymoons?
It's basically sex with room service, right?
You have to have a real honeymoon.
It's very important.
To whom?
Yeah, I'm with Star-of-David on this one.
Just leave Brady with Magda.
It's four days.
I've already given her the time off.
She's made plans! She's... goin' to "Nannypalooza" or something.
I'll take him. I'd love to take him.
He's adorable.
It's four days.
Adorable stops after a day and a half.
Well I could take care of him part of the time.
What? I'm his godmother, it's the least I can do.
I can handle him for a couple of days.
I saw... that.
You guys would really do that?
Absolutely. With pleasure.
I wouldn't.
Because Smith is coming back into town.
And I've always chosen sex over babies.
And that's apparently why I got cancer!
The next day, I tried on two labels...
- Classic Vuitton... and new mommy. Okay, well...
-Look at that...
Oh...
Ahhh.
Ooh.
Yeah! Now we're gonna go in the carriage, -and we're gonna see the... Oop!
-My phone is ringin'!
Will you stay here? Oh, hold on.
Yeah. Yeah, hello?
So how is it going?
I think that I was just mistaken for a mother by a mother.
So he's okay?
Yes, Brady and I... are having a lovely time.
In fact, we are going to spend the afternoon at the Hotel Petrovsky.
Is he a baby person?
Well I wouldn't have guessed it but when I told him I had Brady for the day he said to bring him over.
But i-is it safe?
Are there stairs? What about sharp edges?
Charlotte, it's a death trap.
We're just gonna strap a pillow around the kid and hope for the best.
And further downtown, Samantha was in hot pursuit of the hot woman doctor.
Hi, I'm Samantha Jones.
We've spoken on the phone... several times.
Uh-huh. Please stay behind the partition.
Sorry.
I know that you said Dr. McAndrew was booked... but I was referred here by Dr. Ward and Dr. Popham... who both attended the Paint for the Cure benefit I threw.
I'm sorry. The doctor can't.
She's booked through March.
My good friend Susan Schaffer... who threw the Dance for the Cure benefit... said that sometimes... Dr. McAndrew can squeeze you in if you just show up. March.
Well who do you have to f*ck to get chemo around here?
Excuse me?
I'm sorry, I'm upset. I...
I'm dealing with cancer.
All of New York is dealing with cancer.
Not to mention some very pushy people in Los Angeles and Miami.
Fine.
I'll just take a seat and hope for an opening.
The doctor has no openings... til March.
You already said that.
Dr. McAndrew's office...
You know, I've been here since 9:00 a.m. so... if anyone's going to get in without an appointment, it's me.
Loud and clear. Don't worry about me.
I'll get in.
Well, I've been waiting for two days and so far no one's gotten in yet.
I was once told I wouldn't be able to get backstage to see Mick Jagger.
Well I did get backstage.
And I blew him.
Oh.
Excuse me, I don't know if this is an appropriate question to ask...
I think we passed appropriate a few seconds ago.
What kind of cancer do you have?
Breast. Breast. Me too.
I'm curious, do you have children?
I'm a nun.
You have none.
No, no, no, I am a nun.
But that doesn't mean that I didn't enjoy your Mick Jagger story.
I thought that nuns had to wear...
Oh. I haven't worn a habit in years.
So then... you don't have sex?
No.
Never had sex...
No.
Huh.
Just one more. Oh, go right ahead.
Are you allowed to masturbate?
I never asked.
But thanks for getting my mind off cancer for the first time in a week.
Oh... Happy to help.
Samantha felt a little better knowing that saints and sinners... despite their habits... get the same treatment when it comes to cancer.
And so far... that was no treatment at all.
Okay, we're here!
Hey come on in, Brady, look at the candy!
-Oh, oh, oh, oh, the alarm.
-Oh! Oh!
Oh, oh, wh... N-n-n-n-n-no, don't touch...
Mine!
-Oh! Oh, my gosh.
Okay, uh, um...
Four, seven, wh-wh-wh-what...
Four, seven... Welcome.
Oh, hi. Hey...
-Oh, good.
Oh.
Brady knocked the vase over.
That's pathetic, blaming the baby.
Well... my other plan was just to leave and pretend you'd been burgled.
You want... you want the keys back right now?
Yeah. The noise, yes, the alarm.
Yeah. Yeah she's clumsy, isn't she?
Look at you...
Aleksandr holding the baby was the most disarming thing of all.
What's up...
And upstate in "honeymoon central"...
That was really great.
Now what?
What do you mean?
We relax.
Uh-huh.
Do you think we should go for a walk of something?
Nah.
Let's just lay here, hang out.
How often do we get to do that?
That's true.
So do you think we should get dressed?
I plan on being naked for the next four days.
I'm gonna unpack.
Knock yourself out.
There's no TV, or radio.
You okay there, partner?
I'm fine.
But, hey, there is a CD player and a CD!
Sounds of Mohonk Mountain.
sh*t!
What's the matter?
I forgot my cell phone charger.
You're not gonna need your cell phone.
It's just you and me.
As Miranda got a crash course in life as a twosome...
I got a glimpse of life as a threesome.
He's good.
This is your best work yet.
The guy is a genius.
Reminiscent of the early Basquiat.
You're very good with him.
Have you ever thought about having children?
I had one.
Oh.
Many years ago.
But no more children.
Actually I cannot. I've...
Oh, oh... So... Yeah.
Closed the factory.
How about you?
You never wanted children?
Oh, you know...
I mean, I've, I've... I've always thought that I might, I just...
You know, I just haven't gotten around to it yet.
And when were you planning to do this?
How old are you?
Thirty-eight?
I felt like I was just sh*t with a .38...
The Russian doesn't want to have kids.
Had one a long time ago. He's done.
Well then "dosvedanya" or however you say it.
What? No.
For you, maybe, but not for me.
Don't you wanna have the option?
Well, yes.
But it is my experience that men like him don't come along that often.
But we're thirty-eight. These are the years.
Yes, I know. I've heard.
I'm running out of time.
I don't even have time to eat this cookie.
How is it? It's so good I forgot to have children.
Maybe he'll change his mind.
Mm, no. No, I don't think so.
He had a vasectomy.
But those are reversible.
Is he willing to have it reversed?
I can't ask him that.
I don't even know his birthday yet.
Well, too bad.
At our age you have to be able to talk about having children if you think it might get serious.
Uh, that attitude, by the way, that awareness on the part of a woman that time is a tickin', it's very sexy to a man.
But you can't be scared to have those talks.
Why not?
It is a... it's a perfectly scary conversation.
I didn't even wanna have it with myself.
What does that mean?
It means that if I really wanted to have a baby wouldn't I have tried to have one by now?
I wanted to be a writer, I made myself a writer.
I want a ridiculously extravagant pair of shoes.
I find a way to buy them.
But this is totally different.
You have been waiting for the right man and the right time.
Yes, that's exactly the way it goes in my head, too.
Nah.
Maybe I'm just not a baby person Why should you give up having a baby for a man you hardly know?
Why should I give up a man for a baby I hardly know I want?
I think you're a baby person.
You're a closeted baby person.
What?
You didn't even wanna leave Brady with me for two days.
Well, look at how well you did!
Hi! Hi!
I think you should definitely have a baby.
Okay.
So what did he have, a boy or a girl?
Um...
I forgot to ask.
See?
A baby person woulda asked.
All right.
I should get home, get some work done.
Well, then why don't you just keep Brady a little while longer, til-til dinner time at least?
What, you think I'm gonna decide if I'm a baby person in the next couple hours?
No, you still have a couple years.
I'm starting to prune.
You know what would be romantic?
We have a fire. Yeah.
A bubble bath.
Champagne.
What would be romantic?
I wanna wash your hair.
I washed it already.
I know, but I wanna wash it for you, you know, like in...
Out of Africa?
Ah...
Hold the soap.
Okay.
Okay.
What could be better than that?
Ow! Ow! Ow!
Hurt! Soap in my eye. Okay.
Oh... Agh... Here.
Hello? I'm having an anxiety att*ck.
Brady is fine.
Good, but that's not why I'm calling.
I'm in the woods in my negligee and my cell phone only has two bars left. Help!
Are you lost? Completely!
This whole place, this whole trip is screaming, "You should be having sex with your husband again."
The fire, the tub.
We've already done it twice today.
It's like sex is the only thing on the itinerary.
So you two are gettin' along.
Of course. It's our honeymoon.
- Where is he? In bed.
It's our honeymoon. He thinks I'm getting ice.
Well then, don't forget the ice.
Last night, Steve and I held hands for an hour and a half watching... the fire.
He was looking into my eyes.
I was looking for the remote.
It feels good to be sarcastic.
You can't be sarcastic on your honeymoon.
You should talk to Steve.
I can't talk to Steve, he's on his honeymoon.
How's Brady? I miss him.
He's great.
We're great.
So... this whole motherhood thing.
All it's cracked up to be?
Okay, there is something in the bushes.
And I hope it's a wild animal and not Steve coming to have sex with me again.
I should be able to do this, Carrie.
This should be the most romantic time of my life.
Raccoon.
After Miranda used the "s" word twice...
I wondered if "should" was another disease plaguing women.
Did we want babies and perfect honeymoons?
Or did we think we should have babies and perfect honeymoons?
How do we separate what we could do, from what we should do?
And here's an alarming thought... it's not just peer pressure.
It seems to be coming from within.
Why are we "should-ing" all over ourselves?
Then there are the "shoulds" of promoting film... which Samantha should have been in favor of but she wasn't in the mood.
You should stay at the party.
Harvey Weinstein is here.
I did enough parties in L.A.
I'd rather go home with my girl.
Hey! Smith! Smith!
Smith! Right here, right here. Give me one little smile. Over here.
I really don't feel like having my photograph taken tonight.
I'm gonna go out first and we'll talk tomorrow.
What's going on? We haven't spent a night together since I've been back.
Did I do somethin'?
No. No, it's not you.
Well, somethin's up. You're quiet all night.
You didn't even talk that much the last couple times we had phone sex.
Smith, when you were in L.A. they found a lump in my breast and it's cancer.
Hey, Smith! Smith!
The next day at the "Hotel Vasectomy,"
I had some questions for the man next to me.
So... this child you had.
Yes. How old is...
She. She.
Yes.
Her name is Chloe.
She's twenty-two.
She lives in Paris.
And her mother lives there, too.
And... you were married to her mother?
Yes.
It's the only time I was married.
It lasted seven years.
Five of them good.
This is my little thing at age of four.
In our little house in Santorini.
She's beautiful.
Still is.
That's her mother?
Mm-hm.
She's lovely... and so young.
I was young then, too.
So... why only one child?
I like my life the way I like it.
I got really lucky with Chloe.
Somehow it worked out.
Look. It's her seventh birthday.
Everything is purple.
Purple cake, purple dress, purple shoes.
It was great.
So, so funny.
There it was wrapped up in a bow.
The whole life that I am never gonna have with him because he had it already with somebody else.
And I know I shouldn't say this to someone with cancer but...
Why me?
Agh, let it rip.
Well, I guess it's not going to happen That life. If I'm with him.
Then bye-bye baby.
What else is on the menu?
What do you mean?
There are a lot of fabulous things in life that don't include a baby.
What would that be like?
Well... him.
Uh, sex and travel.
Comfort.
Love.
And, extraordinary adventures.
Not too shabby.
If that's where this is going.
At this point I've only been invited in as far as a security code and a robe.
And the question that I need to ask is just... It's...
It's impossible to ask.
And what is that?
"Will you love me enough... to make up for the fact that I didn't have a baby?"
Oh, honey, no.
Exactly. It's only been two months.
Thirty-eight years and two months.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
I know.
It's-it's too early in the relationship to have that conversation and...
But it's too late in my life not to.
It's a "catch-38."
And after safely putting Brady to bed in his very sturdy crib...
Charlotte and Harry enjoyed some romance as well.
Oh, my God...
-Oh, my God...
Oh, my God!
Stop!
What? What happened?
Brady saw us having sex! I've scarred him for life!
Him? You've scarred me for life.
-Brady. Brady.
Look away.
Hello?
I have bad news.
Okay, you need to spit it out.
Do I need to come home?
Brady saw us having sex.
And?
He was looking at me... during.
Charlotte, he doesn't know what he's looking at.
He doesn't know where his nose is.
Are you sure?
Harry! Brady can't be anywhere near this conversation.
I think it may be too late.
He just said, "Sex is dirty."
That's not funny.
Charlotte, he's fine.
But...
You sound tense, maybe I should still come home.
No. I'm sorry to bother you. Go back to your honeymoon.
I still have half a bar left...
No! What?
sh*t... Are you on the phone?
Charlotte panicked but everything's fine.
Then come back to bed.
I don't need to come to bed, I'm rested.
So am I. Come on...
Steve.
I can't have sex anymore.
I have a brain.
I know you have a brain.
I love you, but I can't love you this often.
I can't love you twice a day every day, I'm goin' crazy here.
I miss ESPN, and NPR, and Dateline.
I am not the honeymoon type!
Do ya hate me?
No. I don't hate you.
But it was my honeymoon, too.
I like being quiet sometimes. I like reading a book.
Four days is a long time.
It isn't, actually, but it's all I had off from work.
Suddenly, Miranda understood the new "should" in her life.
The things you should do for someone you love.
I'm sorry, Steve, I'm an assh*le.
Yeah, you are. But you're my assh*le.
That's sweet and gross at the same time.
Well, relax.
We're leaving in the morning.
The honeymoon's over.
Say that again.
The honeymoon's over.
Ooh...
For Miranda, once the honeymoon was over, it could finally begin.
Hey, I got a brain, you know.
The next day, at Dr. McAndrew's office... impatient patients were getting desperate.
God bless.
Pulling out all the stops, huh?
Well, what else was I gonna wear, a big tumor?
Hmm.
This is my second day at this fu... kakta office... and my good friend, the features editor at Vanity Fair...
Miss Jones, I've told you a thousand times... there's nothing I can do.
Oh, my God!
Is this... Are y...
You're Smith Jerrod's girlfriend?
Well, yes.
I suppose I am.
It was the one name Samantha hadn't dropped.
Oh, my gosh. I love him.
He's my screen saver.
Oh...
What's he like?
Well... he's a... he's a very loyal boyfriend.
Always by my side.
He would probably come here with me... if I had an appointment.
Here? Smith Jerrod in this office?
Uh-huh.
Oh, my gosh, um...
Let's see, um...
Well...
Sometimes I make an appointment at eight o'clock.
She doesn't like it, but she'll do it.
I could come at 8:00.
Um, and Smith, does he get up that early?
For this, I think he would.
Oh, and, um... if you could get her an appointment... he might kiss you... on the lips.
You're tomorrow at 8:00 a.m.
She's 7:45.
Thank you so much.
Smith turned out to be more than a screen saver.
He was a life saver.
We're in.
Oh, my God.
No. Oh, my boyfriend.
And that is how Smith got Samantha in... plus nun.
Are you cold?
No, I'm okay.
You're very quiet today.
What is it?
This vasectomy.
It's not reversible, is it?
I guess not for me.
Okay.
Yeah.
And we are quiet again, huh?
I know you may think... it's way too early to say what I'm about to say, but...
it's not.
Say what?
I think... that...
I could really be with you.
And...
I just wanna say that... if this is... something... you are thinking...
I need to know because...
I'm thirty-eight, as you said... and... so...
I'm thirty-eight.
Thirty-eight is young.
Yeah, well... that depends who you're talking to.
So, here we are, so soon.
As you said...
I...
I could really be with you as well.
But believe me, I know who I am.
And I won't change my mind.
I'm simply too old for that.
Being a parent is an extraordinary thing.
I wouldn't want you to miss that.
If it's something you want.
And you should have... everything you want.
I am kinda cold.
Come on.
I didn't know exactly what I wanted... but I felt like I was getting warmer.