06x10 - Boom Crunch

[bunniefuu]

Orson's blackmailing me
to stay with him.

To escape her marriage...

Lamar Benjamin? You know my
husband from the penitentiary.

Bree arranged her own blackmail...

- I don't want to fight anymore.
- While a friendship...

hit the rocks.

You wanted to sue us!
That proves that you are not my friend.

Calm down. I'm not an idiot. I used
a prepaid, they're not gonna find us.

- I k*lled a man.
- A desperate act...

led to a revelation.

- Would you like some juice, Danny?
- My name's Tyler.

The whole time I was with you,
all I thought about was Susan.

- And a revelation...
- If you mean it, then please k*ll me.

I don't care enough about you
to k*ll you.

- ... led to a desperate act.
- I need an ambulance right away.

I'm losing a lot of blood.

Daphne Bicks was an unhappy woman.

And no one knew this better
than her husband.

That's why he hired her
to work with him.

He thought it might cheer her up.

But sadly,
Jeff Bicks soon discovered

that it would take
a lot more than a job...

This coffee's cold.

... to keep his wife
from complaining.

She complained from the moment
they got up in the morning...

Another sleepless night
thanks to your snoring.

... till they were on their
way home at the end of the day.

You want to see if you can
hit all the red lights?

Things had gotten so bad,

Jeff Bicks began to wonder when
God would end his suffering.

Luckily for Jeff,

God had a plan.

You're unbelievable!
You're so cheap.

It's friggin' Christmas,
for God sake.

I'm not buying you a new car.

Tricia Reed's husband got her
a new car. It isn't even a holiday.

He bought it for her
because she b*at cancer.

You b*at cancer, I'll buy you a car.
Don't b*at it, I'll buy you two.

- Why are we even together?
- The hot sex.

You're cheap, rude.

You lack ambition.
I should just dump your sorry ass.

You want a gift?

- How about a divorce?
- Don't tempt me.

I'm serious. I already got
the name of a divorce attorney.

You want a divorce?
You got it!

Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus,
and he's giving me my balls back!

Correction... one of them.
I get half of everything.

- But not the business. I started that.
- With my father's money.

So I get half, and I'm selling it.

Wait a minute.
Let's talk about this.

- Now you're scared?
- You'd be that vindictive?

Destroy the one thing I love
out of spite?

Hello?! Have we met?
Of course I would.

And I am not stopping there.
Bank accounts, pension funds...

I'm gonna ruin you.

- What's the matter?
- I can't breathe.

Nice try, big faker.

My chest hurts like hell.
Take the controls.

What?

You gotta land the plane.

What?!

You piece of crap!
You can't do this to me!

And that is how the unhappy marriage

of Jeff and Daphne Bicks ended...

In a plane losing altitude

right above a cul-de-sac...

Is it just me,

or is that plane flying really low?

By the name of Wisteria Lane.

I think it's gonna crash.

The best Christmas ever...

That's what the residents of
Wisteria Lane were dreaming of

as they prepared for
their annual yuletide festival.

So they hung up a banner...

Brought out their candy canes...

And put up Santa's workshop,

as eager as children
for the holiday to begin.

Of course,

some were more childish than others.

Look at this mess.
It's like Santa's colon.

That's funny.
Did you hear that?

Hilarious. Almost as funny
as when Orson said it last year.

How about some Christmas music?

Parker, you got
that sound system fixed?

Almost.

Do we really want the kid
working with electricity?

He can't even get
the newspaper on my porch.

You're clumping.

- What is going on with you two?
- I don't want to get into it.

Whatever it is, work it out. We are
caroling at the festival on saturday,

and we can't have two of
our jingle belles fighting.

If you need a replacement,
I've been told that I have a dusky alto.

No way!

Girls only. We're the jinglebelles,
not the jingle balls.

Shouldn't you be out stealing
the last can of who hash?

You want to see me
go all Grinch on your ass?

To be honest, I'm not gonna be able
to sing with Lynette after...

after she what?
Are you about to trash me?

I have way too much class to trash you,
no matter how much you deserve it.

Merry Christmas to me.

What did she do?

She's suing Carlos.

- You're suing him?
- Because he fired me.

- He fired her?
- Because she lied about being pregnant.

- You're pregnant?!
- With twins.

- You knew?
- I told her to keep it quiet.

- Congratulations.
- Sure, take her side.

She's not!

Stop fighting.

With all we've been through lately...
Julie being att*cked,

Danny Bolen's overdose...
We really need

some Christmas spirit around here.

Susan's right.

This is the time
we should come together

and celebrate peace on earth

and good will towards men and...

Crap. Who's dead now?

- What's going on?
- Something's happened to Katherine.

I was just there five minutes ago.

- Was she okay?
- She was really upset.

I hope she didn't do
something to herself.

You're not gonna believe this,
but the cops say

that someone stabbed her
right in the gut.

What? Who would do that?

You've got to be kidding me.

Hey there. How you feeling?

- A little hungry.
- 'Cause they pumped your stomach.

But if you want, Tyler,
I can have them bring you some soup.

Why did you just call me that?

- You told me to, last night.
- No, I didn't.

Yes, you did. Twice.

You were still a little groggy,
but you said your name was Tyler.

Maybe I was dreaming.

My name's Danny.

Can I see my mom?

Please.

Sorry. Not while
you're under observation.

I'll have someone
bring you that soup.

I don't get this. We gave
you a check to cover the ambulance

- and everything else.
- I know.

But we still need your insurance
information, Mr. Bolen.

- It's policy.
- Like us not being able to see our kid?

So you have two stupid policies.

There could be
some unforeseen expenses,

tests we may have to run.
If you don't have insurance,

there are government programs.

If you could just
give me your information...

- We don't need a handout.
- We have cash.

- Thank you, though.
- Gayle.

Can I speak with them?

I know what's going on.

What do you mean?

I knew something was up the
moment you moved onto the Lane.

You never talk about your past.

We're private people.
Is there a law against that?

Having no insurance, wanting to
pay cash for everything,

having a son who can't rember
if his name is Danny or Tyler...

Where you going with all this, Mona?

You're in the witness protection
program, aren't you?

You are one sharp cookie.

- How'd you figure it out?
- Honestly?

Once I noticed you were Italian,
I just kinda went from there.

No offense.

None taken.

I can't believe I'm right.

So... What went down?

You witness a hit?

Did you rat on
one of the five families?

We can't talk about it.

And neither can you,

to anybody.

- Of course not.
- Because if you do say anything...

We're gonna have to
have you whacked.

Any more news
about Mike and Katherine?

No. But I'm sure
he'll be exonerated.

Mike could never
do something that awful.

That's my Bree... always seeing
the good in people.

Forgive me for starting your day
on a sour note,

but I filed for divorce.
Here are the papers.

And if you try to stop me,

your parole officer will see these.

Consorting with a known felon
is a parole violation.

If you send me to jail for fraud,
you're going with me.

It's over, Orson.

This must have been
quite a project for you...

Finding Lamar,
setting up the camera.

Sorry to put you through
so much needless trouble.

I would hardly say needless.

Without these, you'd still
have a g*n to my head.

Do you really think
I would send you to jail?

It's what you've been threatening.

I was bluffing, Bree,
right from the start.

I could never hurt you
that badly, no matter what.

You didn't need these.

You could've called my bluff
and walked away anytime.

The fact that you did believe me,
that you thought I'd destroy you

just out of spite, that alone
should've told me it was over.

I will pack after breakfast.

For what it's worth,
I'm sorry it had to end this way.

Me, too.

These scones you made are delicious.

I'll miss them.

Here's Katherine's room.

You might hear some screams for help.
Ignore them.

Is that what you meant by,
"I'll behave calmly and rationally"?

That was just to get
you to unlock the car door.

You gotta be Katherine Mayfair's best
friend, 'cause she could put Mike away

- for a very long time.
- I know.

- Might help if you give her these.
- Good idea.

She pisses me off, I can
cr*ck the vase over her head.

No, Dylan. The police have
everything under control.

There's no reason for you
to fly out here.

Honey, I've got a visitor.
I gotta go.

Talk to you later.

Come in.

What a sweet gift.

I didn't even think
I'd see you here.

I was concerned
about you, Katherine.

A lot of people are.

Actually, the one they should
be concerned about is you.

Why is that?

Because the man you just
married turned out to be a maniac.

About that...

We both know...

That Mike didn't do this.

Really?

I've got seven stitches and
a Kn*fe with Mike's fingerprints

that say otherwise.

It doesn't make...

anysense.

Why would Mike want to s*ab you?

If you must know...

I told him I was in love
with someone else,

and he flew into a rage.

Will you stop lying?

If you don't tell the truth soon,
you are sending an innocent man to jail.

You are taking a father
away from his son.

It's Mike's fault, not mine.

Katherine, please!

Even though I am so angry with him,

when you think about it,
it's really kind of flattering...

To go this far to keep me
from being with someone else.

How did it go?

I don't know anymore.
I can't tell if she's crazy

or just devious.

A little of both.

Tell me how I get
the crazy part committed.

Only a family member can
commit somebody to an institution.

Really?

Excuse me.

I was just with
my friend Katherine in 607,

and she was talking
to her daughter, and she

wanted me to follow up about
something. Do you have that number?

Dylan Mayfair?

- Would you mind dialing that number?
- Certainly.

There you go.

This is Dr. Brewster calling
from Fairview General.

I understand that you were
just speaking with your mother.

Right.

I do feel, given her condition,

it is important for you
to come here if you can.

Lovely.

See you soon.

That's devious.

50 cents off paper towels...
That's a great coupon.

- This is fun.
- It sure is.

And me doing my own roots
is gonna be fun,

and getting rid of cable.

We're gonna be having
so much fun around here.

- Mommy?
- Are we poor?

Only financially.

- Don't forget that one.
- Ravioli in a can?

I like poor food!

- What'd they say?
- I've attended classes for six weeks.

They won't refund any of my tuition.

Unbelievable.

Is there a sign over us
that says "crap here"?

It'll be okay. I'm looking for a job,
and in the meantime,

we got enough money live on
for the next... four months?

So we'll run out right before
the babies are born.

Yes, but remember,
kids don't miss what they never had.

Like food, clothing, sober mother?

I am so sorry.

For what?

For what I have done to this family.

You have to drop out of school.

Penny is clipping coupons.

I have really screwed this up.

We'll get some money
if we win the lawsuit.

Won't that be great?

Living off the money we made
suing our best friends.

At least Gaby tried
to apologize and stop this.

Maybe it's your turn.

Damn it!

Whatever it is, I can explain.

That was the chairman of my board. This
Lynette thing is turning into a fiasco.

That lawyer said you did everything
by the book, that we were covered.

It doesn't matter what he said.

Bottom line is, it looks bad
for global venture...

Big corporation going after
a pregnant woman.

- What's gonna happen?
- If this suit goes to trial...

I'm done.

And even if it doesn't,
I might still lose my job.

I've put everything
into this company.

I know I'm probably the
last person you want to talk to.

You got that right.

It's done, Karl.

Orson signed the papers.

I know.
I've never been happier.

I absolutely want to see you, too.

Meet me at the motel,

and we'll find a way to celebrate.

Till then, my darling.

When you move on,
you don't waste any time.

I'm sorry.

I wanted to tell you this morning,

but I felt I'd hurt you
enough for one day.

Much better to parcel out the pain.

Is it someone I know?

Never mind.
I can't handle that right now.

Just tell me this...

Have you told your friends
you're seeing anyone?

Of course not.

Good.

Please don't until I'm gone.

I'm saying good-bye to everyone
at the party tomorrow.

I don't want it to turn into
a pity fest for poor Orson.

I won't go public with my new
relationship until we're divorced.

And I'll say we started
seeing each other...

After you and I separate.

What a tasteful solution.

You must write an etiquette book
for adulterers.

I don't blame you for being angry.

And I give you my word, I will not let
my affair be an embarrassment to you.

So when the plane flies over
the christmas party,

I want it pulling
a big-ass banner that reads,

"Will you marry me, Bree?

Love, Karl."

- Isn't that romantic?
- Glorious. That'll be 600 bucks.

I don't care.
You can't put a price on love.

He can. Our anniversary?

$20 gift certificate to a rib joint.

You didn't have to cook that night.
So the gift was for both of us.

Good luck, Mr. Mayer.
I hope this Bree says yes...

Almost as much as I wish
I had said no.

For what it's worth,
i'm a divorce lawyer.

For God sake!
Jeff, look at the mess in here!

Do you have a card?

I have nothing to say to you.

I know what your mother
must have told you.

It's what she told everyone.
But it's not true.

Do you really think I'm gonna
take your word over hers?

I am so worried about your mom.

I am not just thinking about Mike.

The hell you're not. Get over him.
He's married to my mother.

- What?
- You know, it's bad enough that

you make a scene at their wedding
and you hound them night and day.

And you s*ab her
because you can't have him?

Is that what she told you?

I don't know why you're not
locked up right now. You're crazy.

We need to talk.

I don't understand.

For months, my mom has been
telling me about her life with Mike...

The gifts that he's given her
and trips that they've planned.

Your mom needs help.

And so does Mike.

What do you want me to do?

Good news.

Dr. Cheng says I can give your
parents an early christmas present.

You're released. Grab your stuff.
I'm taking you home.

- Thanks for the ride.
- Happy to help.

I can't imagine how tough it is
for you guys to live this way.

What way?

Running all these years,
always looking over your shoulder.

Relax, Danny. Your parents
told me about your situation.

Well, actually, I figured it out.

Your mom just filled in the details.

Why would she do that?

Frankly, I think she was glad

to finally find someone
she could be honest with.

And that goes for you, too.
If you ever need to talk,

you can trust me.

I hope so.

Cause if you say anything,
they're gonna throw my mom in jail.

It doesn't work that way.

Are you kidding?

Ever since 9/11, the feds
are hard-core on any t*rror1st stuff,

even the old cases.

If they find her, she's dead.

What do you mean?

I thought we were
picking you up tomorrow.

- Ma, I screwed up.
- What are you talking about?

I told Mona everything.

Thanks for giving Danny a ride.

I am so sorry he dragged you
into our family drama.

I mean, you know better than anyone
what a bad head space he's in right now.

He's so angry at me and his dad,
he just wants to hurt us,

which would explain
the wild story he just told you.

So...

We good?

I hate my job.

All I do is deal with
disturbed people,

wipe their drool, strap them down.

I hate it.

Well...

- Maybe you should get a different job.
- I wanted to,

but they say you should have
a year's worth of living expenses.

And I didn't know
where I'd get the money.

$67,000.

That's what I've needed
to cover my mortgage,

my car, everything for a year.

67 grand.

If you could do that for me,

then we'd all be free.

What are you doing here?
I asked you not to come.

I had to.

You were hurt.

Have you been to the house?

I'm so sorry Mike
wasn't there to welcome you.

He's away on business.

No, he's in jail.

You told the police he stabbed you.

I... never said that.

I told you...
Susan att*cked me.

Then why did the police arrest Mike?

I don't know.

Maybe he confessed to protect her.

Susan's his wife.

That's ridiculous.

Who told you that? Susan?

They let me speak with him.

Mom, Mike is in jail, and that's
not right if he didn't do anything.

Did you s*ab yourself?

Mom, did you?

I asked you not to come.

You don't understand.

Susan trapped him,

filled his head with lies.

This is gonna save him.

He knows why I did it.
He wants this.

What is she doing here?

I wanna help you, Katherine.

I have to get to Mike.

He's expecting me.

I can fix it. You'll see!
I have to go!

We need a little help here.

Everything's gonna be wonderful!

I have to get to Mike!

We need some help here!

- Get your hands off of me!
- Mrs. Mayfair, please!

Please, Mrs. Mayfair,
we're trying to help you.

It's okay. Honey,
everything's gonna be okay.

I asked you not to come.

Wait up. I wanna go with you.
Can't I have one moment of peace?

Our therapist said we need
to do more stuff together.

I know. That's why I don't go
to the therapist with you.

Would it k*ll you to spend
some time with the woman you love?

I don't know.
Would you be upset if I brought her?

As long as she doesn't
deflate in the plane.

Gaby, please talk to me.
I feel just awful.

You know why? Because you are
awful. You're an awful person.

- You have every right to be mad at me.
- Thanks, Lynette,

and you have every right
to go to hell. Stop talking to me!

Thank you, all, for coming out
to our annual holiday festival.

And, as it's been our tradition
these last 12 years,

please welcome back
the Jingle Belles.

All right, ladies. Sparkle!

I can't believe they wouldn't
let you sing with them.

It's their group. They can do
whatever they want. Whores.

Do you mind? You're blocking me
with yourbig fat head.

I thought we weren't talking.

You know, I was trying to apologize.

It's too late. Carlos is probably
gonna lose his job over this stuff

- you're putting him through.
- Gee, I wonder what that feels like.

By the way, because your husband
canned me, Tom had to quit school.

The 45-year-old freshman
has to drop out?

Maybe he'll get a paper route. Move!

Fine. You want to be a jerk?

Gaby give me my hat back.

Gaby, give me my hat back!

Give that back to me!
Give me my hat back!

- Gaby, give it back!
- All is calm! All is calm!

- She's the one who started it!
- She's being a bitch.

I don't remember the word "bitch"
being in the song.

It's always been there.

We are going to take
a little... break mid-song,

and we will be right back.
Have a little punch.

I realize you two are having
a problem... a giant problem.

And now half of Fairview does, too.

So, A, you're fired,
and B, work it out.

Gaby, I'm sorry about everything,

but you have no idea what losing
my job has done to my family.

Why don't you slip your cankles
into my shoes and walk a mile?

You just don't care
about anyone but yourself.

No, I do.
I care about my friends.

Sorry you are no longer
a part of that group.

I'm in. It's a christmas miracle!

We can't just let some stupid housewife
shake us down for 67 grand.

What do you want from me?
We gotta try to make this go away.

We got the emergency 10 grand,
but that is a long way from $67,000.

Maybe this'll get us closer.

You little... Now do be careful,
you little munchkins.

Excuse me.

- What are you doing here?
- I just thought I'd come by and

- give you an early christmas present.
- Stop it! We can't be seen together.

What's the big deal? Susan knows.
The cat's out of the bag.

Orson doesn't know.

- You didn't tell him?
- About the affair, yes.

But he has no idea it's you.
Now, Karl, please go.

I promised him
there'd be no scenes today.

Just came by to check
on the decorations.

- Great job, Mrs. Hodge.
- Save it, Karl. I'm not an idiot.

You obviously heard
Bree and I are divorcing, and

vulture that you are, you've swooped in
to make a buck by representing Bree.

- A man's gotta eat.
- Perhaps.

But soliciting business
at a christmas party?

That's tacky, even for you, Karl.

If this is who you want
representing you, that's your choice.

But frankly, I thought
you hahigher standards.

Remind me not to let him
make a toast at our wedding.

It's not funny, Karl. Now just go
before he figures it out.

Yeah, about that... You know that
christmas present I mentioned?

Don't you dare give me a present
in front of all these people!

I'm not sure I can stop it.
It's being delivered... by air.

What did you do?

Just let me make one quick call.

How do you turn this thing on?

Somebody help!

I don't know how to fly!

I released the banner. Now what?

Look for a place to land...
A field, a large parking lot.

All I see are neighborhoods.

Negative. Street landing
is too dangerous.

That's all there is!
What do you want from me?!

Okay, calm down.
Keep her steady.

Jeff, it's Karl.
Are you there?

Come on, pick up.

If you get this message,
and please, please get this message...

you need to abort.

Do not, repeat, do not fly over
Wisteria park with that banner.

- What banner?
- Call me.

What banner?

You know how you're always saying
to me I should be more romantic?

Well, I thought, what if I hire
a plane to fly over Bree's street

carrying a banner with
a heartfelt personal message?

When you put a message on a banner,
it ceases to be personal.

What does it say?

Something like...

"Bree, will you marry me?
Love Karl."

I was trying to be romantic.

When we began this affair,
we agreed to be discreet.

Do you know what discreet means?
No skywriting!

Poor Orson!

Do you know how humiliated he'll be?

- I have to warn him.
- Bree, wait.

I made this mess.

I'll deal with it.

Orson deserves the truth,

and he should hear it from me,
not a banner.

You got a minute?
I need to talk to you.

What, here? Can't it wait?

Not really.

If this is about the settlement,
I told Bree there's very little I want.

That's not the problem.

It's what I want...

You're too late.
She has a boyfriend.

You?

If I were a betting man,
I've lost a bundle on this, too.

So... wait...

You're having sex with my wife?

The point is, we don't wanna make this
any harder for you than it has to be.

I just wanted to warn you
that in a few minutes...

Okay, you're the husband.
I'll give you that one.

I'm trying to spare
your feelings, which is why...

That's it.

The hell with your feelings.

I am proposing to Bree today
with an airplane banner.

And trust me, that will be
the highlight of your day!

One moment, please.

Have you been to see Santa yet?

You want me to take you?

Come on. I will take you
to see Santa.

We're gonna do this
right here? Just like that?

This seems like a pretty small
envelope for such a big secret.

It's 10 grand. And my wedding ring.
It was my grandmother's.

- It's all we have right now.
- But...

I gave notice at the hospital.
I can't go back there.

That's the best we can do.

I have a job at Bree's.
I could pay the rest as I make it.

Sure, until you disappear
into thin air.

Just because I have lawn gnomes
doesn't mean I'm stupid.

You don't know the whole story.

I know you k*lled someone
and walked away scot-free.

Scot-free?

Does this look scot-free?

I don't think Danny
told you the whole story,

but maybe you should hear it.

4 miles I ran today,
and now I'm drinking eggnog.

It's like mayonnaise with rum in it.

Excuse me.

What are you doing?! Stop it!

This is ridiculous! Please!

For God sakes, stop it!

And that was 18 years ago and we've been
looking over our shoulders ever since.

That sounds like
a very reasonable story...

So reasonable that I don't understand
why you couldn't just

call the police right now
and explain it to them.

Someone's dead.

You know I can't do that.

What I know is you've got till tomorrow
to come up with the rest of the money,

or I go to the police.
Capisce?

Is it just me,

or is that plane flying reallylow?

Can we talk about this?
Don't do this.

You are screwing with people's lives
here. This could blow up in your face.

$67,000 by tomorrow

or I call the police.

House. House. House!

We're not done here.

You can run, but you can't hide!

Run!

The best christmas ever...

That's what everyone had wanted.

But something went wrong...

Horribly wrong.

For those who survived,

it would be a day
they would try to forget.

For those who didn't,

this christmas would simply be...

Their last.