06x19 - We All Deserve to Die

[bunniefuu]

MARY ALICE:
Previously on Desperate Housewives.

Gabby learned a secret.

Lee and I are trying to adopt a baby.

Mike made a commitment.

I can be a guy
who takes care of his family.

Lynette was warned.

I told Preston I want
to move up wedding to next week.

Next week?

A k*ller put everyone on edge.

I can't believe she's dead.

I gotta go home.
My mom's so freaked out

that this could've been me,
she wants me around.

- So, you're my brother?
- Half-brother, to be precise.

Suspicion was born...

ORSON: What do we
really know about Sam?

ANDREW: I should find out
everything I can.

Why shouldn't you? He's your brother.

...and a very dangerous man
arrived on Wisteria Lane.

Good neighbors.
They loan you cups of sugar.

They tell you why your car won't start.

They even help you find your lost pets.

LEE: I just want to know
who this person is! That's all...

Good neighbors also come over
at the slightest hint of trouble,

whether you want them there or not.

LEE: You're being unreasonable!
BOB: You know what?

- I'm tired of fighting about this!
- LEE: Okay, fine! Walk away!

That's what you always do!

Gabby, what are you doing?

Uh...

I came to return
this magazine Lee lent me,

but you two were arguing, so...

So you decided
it would be fun to eavesdrop?

God, it's like you see into my soul,
and yet you don't judge. Thank you.

Come on. Tell me what happened.

- Our egg donor backed out.
- Not again.

And the surrogate we hired will pull out

if the procedure isn't done
in the next month.

Well, can't you find another egg donor?

We could if Lee wasn't so picky.

Why are you discussing this with her?

For God sakes, I was eavesdropping.
Catch up.

Okay, yeah. I'm picky.

We spent two years
choosing a mattress.

I'm not just going to get our child's DNA
out of the Yellow Pages.

If we lose the surrogate, it could
take months to find another one.

Yeah, and then she'll drop out
for some ridiculous reason,

and I can't take any more of this!

Yeah, maybe we're not supposed
to be parents.

BOB: Don't talk like that.

Come on! Doesn't it seem like the
universe is trying to tell us something?

Why not take mine?

Take your what?

My eggs.

I mean, I've got plenty,
and I hate to see you guys so unhappy.

So, what the heck?

MARY ALICE: Good neighbors.
They're people who try to help others.

Oh! (CHUCKLES)

Bad neighbors are people who make
promises they can't possibly keep.

MARY ALICE: The morning paper said
a young girl was missing.

It quoted her family, who said
she had vanished on her way to work.

It quoted her friends,

who said she wasn't the type
to run away from home.

It quoted the police, who said
they had very little evidence to go on.

Sadly, people didn't pay
much attention to this bit of news.

No one thinks about evil
until it shows up on their doorstep...

...which it soon would.

Oh, my God! Thief!

Hey! You! Freeze!

Whoa, whoa! Lady, put that thing down.

Yeah, and while I'm at it,
why don't I just hand you the keys?

Now, hit the dirt!

Relax. I'm not stealing anything.
This is a repossession.

Do I look stupid to you? Fire! Fire!

What the hell are you doing?

People come quicker
when you yell "fire."

Now, I believe I told you to hit the dirt!

Where's the fire?

- Susan, you okay?
- I'm fine! Just call 911!

Hey, what's going on?

This thief is trying to steal your truck!

Hey, you the guy who's four months
behind on his payments?

Yeah.

Stop, drop, and roll!
Stop, drop, and roll!

Why didn't you tell me
you were having money problems?

I was hoping business would pick up
before anybody found out.

(FIRE ENGINE HONKING)

But I guess that's no longer an option.

Mike, we talked about this.
I told you I'm willing to help.

And I told you
I'm not taking my wife's money.

Well, enough with the macho pride.

I make a steady paycheck.

And I have all of that money
from selling Karl's strip club.

No! I'm definitely not taking
your ex-husband's money.

- Are we done here?
- Sure. As long as you can explain how

you're going to run
a plumbing business without a truck.

I don't know. I'll figure it out.

And for the cover of the book,

I see you in an evening gown,
sitting on a bale of hay,

ringing a dinner bell.

I love it. Such a sense of whimsy.

Well, if it isn't the dynamic duo.

How did your meeting
with the publisher go?

Fantastic. Bruce loved the idea
of a nouvelle Southern cookbook,

and your brother came up with
the marketing slogan in the room.

Tell him, Sam.

"Mrs. Van De Kamp introduces you
to upscale down-home cuisine."

Catchy.

I guess you know all about marketing,
having an MBA and all.

I guess so.

Except, of course,
you don't actually have an MBA.

What are you talking about?

I made a few calls,
checked a few records.

Turns out, the golden child
never got his degree.

Is this true?

Yes. I'm a few classes short.

- Is one of them Ethics?
- Andrew, please.

I don't understand.

It was the final semester.

We were about two months in

when the doctor told me
my mother was terminal.

I left school and brought her home
so she didn't have to die in the hospital.

If you like,

I can save you a phone call
and bring in her death certificate.

That's okay. (CLEARS THROAT)

The university let me graduate
with my class.

I should finish my coursework
next month.

But I'm sorry, Bree. I should not
have misrepresented myself.

Everyone steps over the line
now and then.

Let's all make an effort not to, shall we?

(SPEAKING RUSSIAN)

This woman is incompetent.
Why you bring me here?

Hey, you're the one who had to come
to a Russian bridal shop.

It was mistake.

Well, look at the fun you're having

chewing people out
in your native tongue.

Look, hey,

sorry for the way
she's been talking to you.

Don't worry. You're not losing a son,
you're gaining a pain in the ass.

Tell me about it.

My son is marrying a woman
he barely knows,

he's making the biggest mistake
of his life,

and I am powerless to stop him.

If you like, maybe I get a little sloppy
with the push pins?

Aw. You're sweet.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Irina? It's your phone.

If it's Preston, tell him I'll be home soon.

Okay, Your Highness. Bride's phone.

MAN: Irina!

(MAN SPEAKING RUSSIAN)

Okay, slow down.
I don't speak Russian.

Irina, it's some Russian guy,
and he doesn't sound happy.

Alexei?

(SPEAKING RUSSIAN)

- Who was that?
- Wrong number.

Wrong number?
He asked for you by name.

If I wanted you to know,
I would say it in English.

SALESGIRL: Missus.

I can say it in English.

Hey. Double cappuccino, extra hot.

You need anything else?

Inspiration.

Sorry. We just have muffins.

(LAUGHS)

- What are you working on?
- A novel.

I know, another guy in a coffee shop
writing a novel,

just what the world needs.

No, I think it's cool.
You mind if I ask what it's about?

You really want to know?

I do.

It started out as a love story,
but it's getting kind of dark.

This guy meets this girl,
takes her from nothing,

gives her life meaning,
basically creates her.

Okay.

Then one day, she just disappears,

vanishes with another man.

Sucks for the guy.

And she takes his baby.

Damn. She sounds like a bitch.

Sure does.

Anyhow, I'm up to the point
where the guy

who's been looking for her
for a long time

finally tracks her down.

And that's where I'm kind of stuck.

What does he do?

Well, I don't know all the details,
but you said it was dark, right?

Yeah.

Seems to me, the guy would k*ll her.

Funny, that was exactly
my first instinct, too.

- No.
- No?

You asked my permission
to be an egg donor, and I said "no."

I wasn't asking you. I was telling you.

Sorry. You can't do this
without my approval.

Those eggs are half mine.

- How so?
- I'm your husband.

I own 50% of whatever comes out
of that uterus.

Oh?

So you think you own my body?

I pay for the clothes it wears,
the massages it receives,

and the implants it will one day require.

If I don't own it,
I'm at least a major stockholder.

Which means I can stop you
from handing out your eggs

like party favors to every childless
gay couple that wanders by.

You cannot stop me.
I can do whatever I want with my eggs.

And I can do whatever I want
with the credit cards I pay for.

For example, I can cut them up.

I don't care about credit cards.
I'm trying to do something noble here.

I am helping these people
become a family.

You've hidden the cards, haven't you?

Damn straight.

Okay, I am begging you,
as your husband, please don't do this.

It'll be too weird
having your DNA living next door.

I don't care. My mind is made up.

I'm going to help
Bob and Lee have a baby,

so they can experience
the same love and joy

that we occasionally have
with our children.

So the Russian salesgirl
translated for me,

and you'll never guess what Irina said
to the angry guy on the phone.

Please don't make me guess.

She said, "Go ahead and
call the police. You'll never find me."

That's it?

How much more do you need?

She is a foreigner,
she's done something criminal.

Start your deportation now!

Ma'am, without proof
of criminal activity,

there's nothing I can do.

But can't you at least interrogate her?

Yes? And if you want
to slap her around a bit,

you'll get no complaints from me.

Look, Mrs. Scavo,
we are a government agency.

We can't investigate
your future daughter-in-law

just because you don't think
she's good for your son.

Ah.

It all makes sense now.
You're single, right?

- Never had any kids?
- Yeah, so?

You just don't get it.

Hi. Nice-looking family.
That your daughter-in-law?

- Yeah.
- You two get along?

Don't get me started.

Got a minute?

MJ, what are you doing?

Clogging the sink.

- What?
- Daddy needs work.

Oh.

Honey, that's sweet.

But Daddy only gets paid when
other people have plumbing problems.

So I should do this
to somebody else's sink?

No, honey. That would be wrong.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Hi. I'm having a problem
with Mike and his male ego.

Long story short, can I clog your drain?

So, don't phone Mike until I get home.

And when you call him,
sound desperate.

That way, he'll feel useful.

But don't call till Saturday.
He gets double time on weekends.

(GARBAGE DISPOSAL GRINDING)

There's enough there for a tip,
but careful when you give it to him.

I don't want him thinking
anyone's doing him a favor.

BREE: Trust me, Bruce,
after they taste these recipes,

they will be on board.

Just give me the chance
to dazzle them.

Okay. Bye.

Problems?

Bruce got a little resistance
when he met with the sales team.

They fear Southern cookbooks
are a tad overdone.

So, I suggested we have a little dinner

to let them
sample the recipes themselves.

Excellent.

We have to really impress them.

Let's see if we can book the private
dining room at the Britannian Hotel.

I'll take care of it.

But before I do,
I have something difficult to say.

Well, I hope it's not about
that silly MBA business.

I think I know why Andrew
tried to discredit me yesterday.

Oh?

He knew you had me
auditing the books,

and he knew what I was going to find.

What did you find?

Did you charge the Donellys
for five cases of vodka?

Yeah, so?

According to our invoices,
only four were delivered to their party.

And the Rotary Club luncheon
was charged for seven cases of wine,

and only six showed up.

Why are you even looking at this stuff?

And I seem to recall you having
a party that same weekend,

with lots of wine and lots of vodka.

Okay, yeah. I took some leftover booze
to my house for a party.

- What's the big deal?
- It wasn't leftover.

You charged the client for that liquor.
That's stealing.

Is Sam the one
who told you about this?

- We're not talking about Sam right now.
- But we need to.

- Can't you see the type of person he is?
- Yes.

He is the type of person who leaves
college to care for his dying mother.

You are the type of person
who steals from clients.

Believe what you want to believe,
but I'm not going to listen to this.

Andrew!

Don't you walk away from me!

Can't you see how
he's manipulating you?

How stupid can you be?

Apparently, I'm stupid enough
to have trusted you.

Well, if I'm the problem,
why not just fire me?

I'm tempted. Don't push me.

Clear your things out
and turn in your keys.

(DOOR SLAMS SHUT)

Hey, Tom. Did Irina and Preston say
when they'd be back from the mall?

- Stop!
- Stop what?

Not you. I'm teaching Parker to drive.

Okay. I'm planning to steal
Irina's passport number.

Oh, God. What are you up to now?

I have a new best friend at Immigration,

who's got a friend
at the Russian Embassy,

who's agreed to initiate
a background search.

Lynette! This is getting out of hand.

That woman is hiding something,
and I am taking her down.

(SIGHS)

(EX CLAIMS)

(DOOR CLOSES)

(GIGGLING)

Come on.

PRESTON: We shouldn't be in here
with the door closed.

My mom gets a little freaked out.

Your mother is a prude.

That is what happens to women
when they grow old.

Now kiss me.

PRESTON: Oh, my God!

- (CELL PHONE BEEPS)
- Who's that?

Your mom.

"Get home now.
Trapped behind the closet door.

"Preston and Irina are about to..."

Pull over! I got to get home fast!

I can go fast.

(CHUCKLING) Seriously, Irina,
my mom's in the house.

I know. Is what make it fun.

(BOTH GIGGLING)

Mmm! Honey-maple short ribs drizzled
with Manzanilla sherry.

These are amazing.

Bruce's sales team
will be powerless to resist.

Boy, you are really focused
on this dinner,

which is amazing,
considering what happened.

I mean, f*ring your own son.

I've done worse things to Andrew.

We have
a very complicated relationship.

You'll see that,
the longer you're at the company.

How? You fired him.

No, that's just our pattern.

He provokes me, and I push him away,
but we always come back together.

- So you're going to bring him back in?
- Eventually.

But the stealing,
and the way he spoke to you, I...

Sam, he's my son.

- Hey. Busy day, huh?
- Yeah, a busy week.

It's so funny, I've had all this work
right here on the lane.

Well, that's good, right?

Especially since
you don't have your truck.

Uh-huh.

Hey, guess what I found?

Oh. My earring.

I've been looking all over for that.
Where'd you find it?

Gabby's bathtub drain.

Oh.

Oh. Of course.

Gabby and I went jogging,
and then I hugged her,

so my earring probably
got caught in her sports bra,

and when she went to take a bath...

Hey, do you want to have sex?

So, Gabby's drain,

Angie's garbage disposal,
Lynette's toilet...

I mean, the really dirty sex?

So, now I have to return all that money.

No, you don't.

I gave it to them.

You're saying everyone on the street
knows I'm having financial trouble?

Well, I think
they already figured that out

when they saw your truck
get repossessed out of our driveway.

This is humiliating, Susan.

I'm sorry.
But it all could've been prevented

if you'd just let me make
a few stupid payments on your truck.

I told you, I don't want your help.
This is my business, my problem.

You know, I don't remember
all those "my's" in our wedding vows.

It's supposed to be a partnership.

If you can't let me help you,

maybe there's something wrong
with our marriage.

I'm not going to listen to this, all right?
I'm tired.

I had a busy day wasting my time.
I'll sleep on the couch.

(SIGHS)

(SOFT CLATTERING)

Danny? You up there?

(THUDDING)

(PHONE RINGING)

(EXHALES)

Hello? Jeez, Nick, you scared me.

I just got home
and I thought I heard a noise.

No, it's fine. Just hurry home, okay?

To Gabrielle Solis.

The best neighbor two childless,
upwardly-mobile gay guys

- could ever have.
- Aw!

Okay.

- Hey!
- No, no, no.

That was purely ceremonial.
We don't want you drinking.

Why? Does it affect my fertility?

That, and you're kind of a sloppy drunk.

Fine. Let's talk babies.

So, what are you guys hoping for,
a boy or a girl?

I want a girl. That way, we can put her
in baby beauty pageants.

Yeah, they're so cute in their makeup

- and rhinestone dresses.
- I know, right?

- Really? You guys are going to do that?
- Why not?

It's just, I kind of dabbled in that world,
and for me, it was a bit much.

Well, don't panic,
50% chance it's a boy.

Then it's makeup and rhinestone vests.

What?

He's kidding.

(CHUCKLES) He better be.
There's no way I'm allowing that.

Now that I think about it,
I do hope we have a boy.

And why is that?

I already have two girls.
I'm so sick of buying dresses.

When he's old enough,
I'm going to take him

on the biggest shopping spree ever.

All right.

I guess you can do that
when we come back to visit.

Visit? Where are you going?

My mother lives in upstate New York.

We thought we'd move closer to her
so the baby can be around family.

Really?

Is that a problem?

It just never occurred to me that you
guys would leave and take my only son.

Gabby, this child, it'll have your genes,
but it won't be yours.

You get that, right?

Of course.

I mean, that's the only way
it can work, right?

(CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY)

CARLOS: Come on, you ready?

Okay, no peeking.

You going to b*at me again this time?

Hey, guys.

Mommy, why do you look so sad?

Well, I was just thinking about

what it would be like
if I couldn't see your face every day,

and it made me sad.

What's going on?

Come out of the kitchen.

I want you to spend some time
with these people.

- Mingle. Have a drink.
- I don't drink, Bruce. I'm an alcoholic.

One drink! I'm not asking you
to swing from the chandelier.

Why are you so nervous?

I really put my neck on the line
for this book, Bree.

No one likes the idea. No one.

I should have stopped at just one drink.

- Look, they are going to love the food.
- I hope so.

Because if they don't,

I don't see how you're going to
publish another book of any kind.

Hop to, people! This is a big one.

- Something wrong?
- What's this?

It's the sherry we drizzle on the ribs.

- This isn't sherry. This is vinegar.
- Vinegar?

Oh, my God. Oh, my God!

It's ruined!

They're all ruined! It's disgusting!

The floor's not looking so great either.

Stop. We can't serve this food.

We've already taken out
most of the plates.

Well, don't just stand there!
Go get them back!

How could it be vinegar?

We tested the recipe last night
and it was perfect,

and then I locked the sherry
in the liquor cabinet.

Who had access?

Did you give Andrew's keys to anyone
after you fired him?

He never returned his key.

Oh, Bree...

They won't give the plates back.

The publisher guy
is giving a little speech,

and then they're going to eat.

No, no, no. I'm not going to lose
my cookbook career over this.

(SIGHS)

Oh, God.

Hand me that torch.

Bon app?tit, everybody!

(PEOPLE EX CLAIMING)

We're serving cobbler
in the parking lot!

I just made you real hot chocolate.
Don't I get a smile?

My son tried to ruin my career tonight.

I don't think I'll ever smile again.

Honestly, I don't think Andrew had
anything to do with it.

- You don't?
- Mmm.

Look at the planning that went into it.

The vinegar had to be substituted
for the sherry

after you'd selected the bottle,
but before you'd left for the event.

And the ingredient had to be
something you wouldn't sample.

Come on. Andrew's not clever enough
to pull that off.

He can't even steal a case of wine
without getting caught.

Well, then who do you think did it?

Well, they'd have to be
somebody pretty smart,

at least smart enough to get an MBA.

Sam? That's ridiculous.
Why would he want to hurt me?

Who said he wanted to hurt you?
Andrew's the one taking this fall.

No, that's not possible.
What does he stand to gain?

Hmm.

What a good question.
Enjoy your chocolate.

Every once in a while, I catch Susan
looking at me this certain way.

You know, when I'm putting on my shirt
or mowing the lawn,

I'll turn my head and I'll catch her
with this look in her eyes.

And I know she's thinking
that she's lucky to have me.

So how can I tell her I'm dead broke?

How can I say, "I can't take your money,

"because it won't begin
to cover the debts

"I've been racking up for the last year."

She thinks it's a couple
of truck payments.

She's got no idea.
This would really hurt her.

If she found out I'd kept this from her,

I don't think I'd ever
see that look from her again,

and I can't let that happen.

Tell me how much you need.

(SIGHS)

(BELL TINKLING)

Double cap, extra hot, right?

Wow. Good memory.

Haven't seen you for a while.
I thought maybe you left town.

I'm not leaving till I finish my book.

Right, yeah. How's that going?
Did the guy k*ll her?

I tried to write it that way.

He went over there, she was alone.

He had the chance.

And what happened?

It just seemed too easy.

(CHUCKLES)

So you're stuck again?

No. I've got a better idea.

If you think about it,
the worst part of what she did

was taking the kid, right?

So, I figure

the best way for him to get revenge

is to take something from her.

But what can he take that's going
to be as bad as what she did?

The kid!

He's going to take the kid, right?

That's what I'm thinking.

Hey.

Hey.

So, I guess Carlos talked to you guys?

He did.

I feel awful.

But the more he thought about it,
he just couldn't let me do this.

And let's face it, he does have a say.

It's completely understandable, Gabby.
It was a lot to ask.

So, where's Lee?
I want to talk to him, too.

He left.

Left...

After Carlos came over,
Lee and I got into yet another fight,

and we broke up.

Are you kidding me?

Lee says he can't go through it again.

I'm determined to have a child. So...

(SIGHS)

Is there anything I can do?

Oh. Right. Sorry.

It's okay, Gabby.
Like I said, it was a lot to ask.

- My left shoe is missing!
- We'll find it.

I can't get married in one shoe!

Just get dressed.
The wedding starts in half an hour.

Hey, maybe he should wear sneakers.
It'll be wild, like he's too cool to care.

Or I could just help him keep looking.

- There you go.
- Okay.

Lynette, help me look
for Preston's shoe...

Lynette?

What are you doing?

I need your help.
Preston can't find his shoe.

- I put it in the oven.
- Why?

Because that woman at Immigration
never called me back,

and I am screwed.

(SIGHING) Honey, come on.

Hiding a shoe isn't going to
stop them from getting married.

I know.
I just wanted a few more minutes

before I had to tell my son
I'm not going to his wedding.

- Lynette...
- I will not be a hypocrite, Tom.

I know how you feel.

But if you think Irina's got power now,

just you wait until you don't show up
to your son's wedding.

Oh, I wish...

I wish I went to church more often.

I could really use a favor from
the man upstairs right about now.

Mrs. Scavo, you're not going to believe
what I found.

I'll see you Sunday morning.

You look beautiful.

Thank you.

I'm guessing this one's much nicer
than your first wedding dress.

You know, when you got married
in Russia to Alexei Kosokov.

Here in America, we actually get
divorced before we get married again.

Otherwise, you spend
your honeymoon in jail.

Alexei told me if I marry him,
he will give me good life.

But he didn't.

He never worked and he treat me badly.

Now he won't sign the divorce papers
unless I give him money.

Uh-huh.

Okay, that explains Alexei.

What about the guy in Italy

who pressed charges after
you cleaned out his bank account?

That guy was a pig.
Believe me, I earned every penny.

We have a term in America for women
who get paid for sex,

and it's not "daughter-in-law."

You know why it doesn't bother me
that you don't like me?

Can't wait.

Because it really doesn't matter.

All that matters
is that one hour from now,

I will have a ring on this finger

and I will be the most important person
in his life.

So give Preston your little file.

I will explain it all away,
and he will believe every word.

He always does.

Preston.

Mom, do you mind?

I need to talk to Irina.

Hey.

Your father told me
you called off the wedding.

Obviously, I think
you are doing the right thing.

I know you hate me right now,

and I just want you to know
that I am okay with that.

I love you so much,

I would rather have you resent me,
or even cut me off completely,

than to allow you to make a mistake
that could ruin your life.

So go ahead,

hate me for as long as you want,
and when you are done,

I will be here waiting.

Try not to take too long
because I miss you already.

Hey!

Hey, where you going?

Motel, till I get flight
out of this horrible place.

What? The Scavos couldn't even
give you a lift? That's harsh.

I want nothing from the Scavos.
They're dead to me.

Lucky for you, I am not a Scavo.

Come on.

(SIGHS)

Sorry about the wedding.

It's Preston's loss, man.

I mean, he'll never get
someone as hot as you again.

I don't want to talk about it.

Sure. You know, I get that.

You know, if you want to save money,

you could always skip the motel
and stay at my place.

I don't think so.

I promise, no funny business.
I mean, unless you want some.

Yeah, I mean, think of it
as a transition relationship.

It'll help you get over Preston.
I have no problem letting you use me.

Okay. Enough.

I'm a little out of your league,
don't you think?

I mean, I didn't come to America to end
up with some greasy-haired little boy.

(LAUGHING)

(TIRES SCREECHING)

What are you doing?

Eddie?

(IRINA SCREAMING)

MARY ALICE:
We all know that evil exists.

The newspapers are filled with stories

about young girls
who suddenly vanish.

But we don't pay attention, because
we're worried about our marriages...

...concerned about our friendships,

anxious about our employees.

Yes, we don't pay attention to evil

because we think
it will never come to our house.

But it does.

Hey, Mrs. Scavo.
I'm here to pick up Porter for school.

And sometimes...

- How you doing?
- Good.

...we let it in.