05x05 - Acts of the Apostles

[bunniefuu]

[CHARLES WILLIAMS' "BULLETPROOF HEARTS"]

♪ ♪

♪ Oh, oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh ♪

♪ Let me open up your eyes ♪

♪ There is only me and you ♪

♪ We'll be guided by the light ♪

♪ And we'll always live,
we'll always live ♪

♪ Let me open up your eyes ♪

♪ There is only me and you ♪

♪ We'll be guided by the light ♪

♪ And we'll always live,
we'll always live ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Oh, but, dear, the sky is low, watch ♪

You sold us a defective kid.

He's creepy, and I don't like it,

and we are returning him.

We do not do returns.

Well, you're gonna have to,

'cause he scares the sh*t out of us.

When you signed our agreement,

you consented to our no-fuss policy.

Well,
we're going to be very vocal about this.

We're going to ruin your life, sir.

Be my guest.

And the second you do so,
we'll let the whole world know

that you illegally trafficked a child

from our offshore
facility to New York City.

We did no such thing!

We show you the child,

you're responsible for the travel.

That makes you liable.

You disgust me.

I am going to slander your
name at every dinner party

I attend for the next
three to five years.

Now, f*ck off. Come on, Marc.

What are we gonna do?
Can your moms take him?

I don't want him to k*ll my moms.

Mr. Goss, I have a thought.

Could I have a word in private with you,
please?

My wife's family just moved in with me,

and they're hideous people.

- Okay.
- I can't live with them,

not without a change.

I'm aware of your affiliation

with Mr. Tunnel Quinn
and his Lyte Project.

When I checked my Tunnel
Box and it was empty,

mm, I wept.

Sorry, so what are you saying?

I want my hands on
those pills, Mr. Goss,

to give to her family.

I want them to become tolerable people.

I propose we negotiate a trade

between one person who hates this family

and another person who hates his family.

But the formula isn't gonna be ready

for a long time, years, even.

No, I can't wait that long,
not with their habits.

Just bring me whatever you
got at whatever stage it's at,

and hopefully that'll shake
something up inside them.

I honestly cannot go behind
my best friend's back

like that, at least not in a way

that could ever get back to her.

Hey, babe,
the babysitter says she can't breathe.

It's a deal.

I guess so.

And you're sure you don't
want a hand with all that?

No, I'm good, I'm good, I'm good.

And you don't mind at all,

having to do all this ground work?

It is an honor and a
privilege to serve the cause.

Picking up the dry cleaning is an honor?

Yes, Drew, I'm happy to do it.

Because if I don't do it,
then someone's not gonna

do it right, and I'd rather do it right,

because if I do it, I'll do it right.

Totally, yeah.

Hey, so how are things going

with that guy you've been seeing?

Aw!

Really sweet of you to ask.

Things are, you know,
progressing in their own way.

Kind of feel like I might
actually be in love.

Oh, my gosh.

I think they could be the one.

Aw, congrats, Portia.

- That's awesome.
- Thanks. I'm so happy.

How are things going with
you and your new "relaysh"?

Oh, I'm just trying to
see where this goes

and not put any pressure on it

'cause I've actually done a
bad job of that in the past.

Mm-hmm.

And I also have a lot of trust issues,
so yeah.

I'm confused.

When do you find the
time to see this person?

'Cause I feel like I'm
with you all the time.

Right, yeah.

Well, I could say the same to you.

I guess we just find time.

- What?
- Isn't that Dory and those guys?

- Oh, my God.
- Yeah, looks like it.

This is not on the schedule.

Right, yeah, not on the schedule.

And then they get back together.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

And then they get, like,

million-dollar presents for each other.

- Hi!
- Oh, my gosh. Hi!

Oh, my gosh. This is so great.

Why don't you guys
join us? We just ordered.

Yay, good. Perfect.

I'm so hungry from running around town

trying to keep the business afloat.

Come join us for brunch, you guys.

I know what brunch is;
I've been having brunch

with Dory for a really long time.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

- I'll sit down here.
- Yeah.

So, Dory,
are you looking for a bloke these days?

'Cause I'm quite close with the son

of the Sultan of Fatima,
and he has a crush on you.

Oh, my God,
that would be so perfect, really.

Wow. I mean, I like that.

He obviously has very good taste.

- Can I show him to you?
- He's quite lush.

Full disclosure,
we did snog back in, like, .

I just want to be up front
about that, but... look.

- Oh, wow.
- Oh, he's very handsome.

- Can I see?
- Oh, my God. He's cute.

Come on, Dory. You got to do this, Dory.

- You have to.
- Yes, that's it.

- That's the one.
- Wait, does he have a mane?

Oh, my God. I saw a mane.

It's because he has a lion's aura.

That's a king energy.
The king wants love.

But he's royalty.

Why would he be interested in me?

No, this guy's a loser, this guy.

And small, 'cause, I mean,
he's, what... this guy's '.

I mean, I'm ' "; I would be so afraid

that I would step on him and squish him.

- They're just jealous.
- He's so cute, Dor.

- Yeah!
- Dor?

Thank you so much for
squeezing me in today.

- Of course.
- It's a very busy time.

A lot of witness protection happening,

a lot of masquerade
balls, for some reason.

So is this for sex?

- No, no. It's for espionage.
- Ooh, lovely.

And are we inventing,
or do we have a look in mind?

I need you to make me look like...

- this man.
- Okay. Let's see here.

Oh, no. This man?

Wouldn't you want to be someone hot?

I know, I know.

Unfortunately I had to get
it from a community shower

for scientists at Tunnel Industries,

so that is the hottest
person I could steal from.

Okay.

We're gonna need a lot of glue.

- A lot.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, so hope you
have a week to get it off.

- [LAUGHS]
- Let's see.

All right, let's see
what we can do here.

To the privilege to be able
to order beautiful food

and it be placed right in front of us,

to the hard work that went into it,

to every bite and to abundance.

- To Dory.
- To Dory.

To Dory.

Seriously, though, like, to Dory.

I didn't realize how unhappy
I was chasing the boys

and the photo and, like,
all this superficial sh*t.

And, like, I thought that was love.

And now I know love,

and it's with all y'all.

- We're family.
- That sh*t's real.

Yeah, we're like brother and sister.

And, Dory, you're like our mama.

Dory was like my mama
first for many years.

You're all like the stepkids.
Bond's not the same.

♪ We are a family ♪

ALL: ♪ We are a family,
we are a family ♪

You took everything from me!

- You ruined my life!
- Who's that lady?

You do the work of Satan,
you psychotic freak.

[YELPS]

- Dory!
- That's for him!

You know what you did.

- You know what you did!
- It's gonna be okay.

We're gonna get you stitched right up.

- Ritchie, move.
- My God. It's okay, Dory.

I'm here, I'm here. Give her space.

- Ma'am, are you okay?
- Yes, yes.

Did you want to press charges?

We could try to nab her.

No, no, no. It's all right.

She's obviously in some sort of pain.

- Oh, God.
- Oh, you're so strong.

- I'm okay. I'm okay.
- You're so strong.

- Are you okay?
- Yeah, I'm fine.

- Can we get some water?
- Yeah, do something, guys.

Wait, where's my clipboard?

Sorry, what are you
doing with my clipboard?

I thought it was a community clipboard.

No.

And who are you?

- Hello, Dr. Benny.
- I'm Dr. Carpet.

I'll be in and out of
here as the days go by.

You look familiar to me.

Did we meet at the Saratoga convention?

- We may have. We may have.
- In fact, yes.

It's hard to remember.

I get so blackout at those things.

All the chitchat makes me drink.

- Oh.
- I'm sorry.

I have to ask something
very embarrassing,

but did we...

Did we what? Did we what?

You know, uh, in the hot tub

and in the barn,

twice in the barn.

I was going to be a gentleman
and not bring that up, Benny.

- Why, thank you.
- You know, can I ask you,

though... I'd love to know more

about the Lyte formula, weirdly.

Mm, you know I can't do that.

- I know.
- But...

I'm happy you're here, Dr. Carpet.

Could you be a big
man and do me a favor?

My pleasure, my darling.

Could you teach these interns

how to sacrifice rats
and extract their livers?

Uh, yeah.

Okay, so the medic said

that you should take, like, two now,

and then you're gonna
take two in four hours.

But you don't even
have to worry about it

because I'm gonna bring them to you.

- How are you feeling?
- Oh, it's fine.

Something fun to talk about at parties.

That's the spirit, and in the meantime,

I am gonna give your sweet
little hands a hand massage.

Oh, Porshe.

Thank you for taking care of me.

I feel so protected.

I love taking care of you, Dory.

Well, you really are the best at it.

[LAUGHS]

Mm.

God, that woman was a lunatic, huh?

- Mm.
- And I truly cannot believe

that the disciples just fled

as soon as you were under att*ck.

And the whole time, I'm thinking, like,

if I was just sitting there,

I absolutely would've
been able to prevent it.

- True.
- I just don't think

these disciples can't handle the job,

do you know what I mean?

Like, God bless them.

But I just think they
don't know what it's like

to have to work.

[RAT SQUEAKING]

- So you, um...
- You take your rat.

And then you...

Have a lot of little tools here.

For example,
got a little box cutter we could...

You mean a scalpel?

That's one way to do it,

slit its poor little throat
and let it bleed out.

I don't want to do this.
I want it to go faster.

[LAUGHS]

So we could... what you could...

You could take its little head,

and you can put it under a...

binder, classically,
like this one, per se.

And you're going to place

its sweet little head underneath.

And you're gonna just press
it down with as much force,

as quickly as you can,

until its poor little
brains are crushed.

Jesus Christ.

[CHUCKLES]

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

♪ ♪

Why don't you do that

while I do something else entirely?

I just want all these brains
crushed before I get back,

and that's an order.

♪ ♪

Okay. One, two...

- [BINDER THUDS, RAT SQUEAKS]
- Ew!

- Oh, my God.
- Oh, God!

Sweet Christ.

Good job, everyone. Good going.

[BINDER THUDS, RAT SQUEAKS]

[INDISTINCT WHISPERING]

♪ I'm the best boy in the world ♪

♪ Because I'm the first
boy that they made ♪

♪ I'm the best boy in the world ♪

Mr. Goss, I'm not
interested in games here.

What are you talking about?

Do you know what I had to go
through to get that formula?

What else do you want me to do?

The only thing that this formula

will give people is diabetes.

What? What are you saying?

Jelly beans.

You gave me jelly beans.

[SCOFFS]

No, no, this is the formula.

If you ever want that
child out of your life,

you're gonna have to start
playing by the rules.

Don't monkey me, Mr. Goss,

I invented monkeys.

♪ ♪

- Hey, hey, girl.
- Hey.

Hey, Dory,
I need to talk to you about something.

Oh, my God. Are you okay?

- Oh, yeah.
- I was cut by this woman.

- What?
- Like, a stranger?

Elliott,
can you give Dory some space, please?

- Excuse me?
- I'm serious, okay?

She doesn't need extra stress.
You're a close talker.

[SCOFFS]

Well, I need to talk to
Dory privately right now,

so I might suggest that your encroaching

on our one-on-one
conversation is actually

creating unnecessary
tension for the group.

You have three minutes.

- Okay. So what's going on?
- Okay, so...

I know this doctor
through my son's school

as part of, like,
a daddy's circle or whatever.

His name is Dr. Carpet.

I think he's, like,
very high up at Tunnel Industries.

He's apparently very, like,
beloved, which is sweet.

Okay.

Anyway, so he told
me that this laboratory

may not actually be working

on a formula for enlightenment.

Hmm.

Well, what does he think
they're working on, then?

Jelly beans.

What do you mean?

He said that the preclinical
trial formula -E,

which is the current formula...

- Mm-hmm.
- Is just jelly beans.

Okay, it's not common knowledge, though.

He told me in, like,
total confidence, wasted.

He gets, like,
completely trashed and tells me things.

I'm actually very concerned about it.

I should talk to someone about it.

- Real... he's real.
- El?

What?

Is this for real?

Yes.

♪ ♪

Where you going, boo-boo?

We sacrificed the rats so
we can extract their livers.

But you massacred them.

I don't understand. It's inhumane.

Benny?

Can I talk to you for a moment?

Can I ask, where are
we at with the science?

- The science?
- Mm-hmm.

It's on track.

We're trucking along in here.

Hmm.

Tell me about preclinical
trial formula -E.

How do you know about that?

Are they jelly beans?

No.

I'd like to see the formula
in its current state.

I'm sorry, but it's prohibited.

If you don't show me,

you're fired.

♪ ♪

Jesper Society?

♪ ♪

[SIGHS]

Oh, no, am I gonna really go to Maine?

- Okay, thank you.
- Thank you.

Thanks. Good, good, good.

And close the door behind you, please.
Thank you.

- So is she fired?
- No.

She's a genius. No, not fired.

No, all this miscommunication is a,
you know...

I'm glad that it's water under
the bridge at this point.

So they are actually
working on something, right?

Oh, yeah. They sure are.

Yeah. You know what I think it was?

I think it was some kind
of prank call or something.

And I'm gonna find out who that was.

They're gonna be held accountable.

Nobody gets to alarm you
unnecessarily like that.

I tasted them.

They were sweet.

- It was concerning.
- Well, I don't know why.

There's no reason for concern for that.

No, there's sugar compounds
that we use in all medicines

at the preclinical trial phase

in order to hold together the chemicals.

They're sweet. They're just sweet.

Tunnel, why are we making jelly beans?

And why are you lying to me about it?

♪ ♪

[DOOR SLAMS]

I'm gonna tell you the whole truth.

The purpose of this company
is to give people hope.

And if we make a scientific
breakthrough along the way,

that's great.

But I'm not eager to find
out this particular endeavor

is, in fact, actually...

not possible.

And I don't want our investors
getting wind of that either.

What I'd like is for the enthusiasm

and the hype to keep building

so that this company

has a value that can keep increasing

so that when I sell the company,

we all stand to make
a nice chunk of change.

So this is all about the money to you.

Dory, the pursuit of
everybody living life well

is enlightenment.

- You are a crook.
- Uh-uh, no.

I'm a savvy businessman.

And I'll tell you
something else I'm not,

and that's delusional, which you are.

It'd be real easy for me

to put you right back in that asylum.

But I would rather that you and I

stay on friendly footing.

I know that there's a
way to make this work.

I hope so.

In the meantime...

enjoy jelly beans.

♪ ♪

Whose account are we gonna film it?

Like, is it gonna be a tripod?
Are we gonna prop it up?

- We should all...
- On all of our platforms.

And I could use my ring light.

- It'd be perfect.
- Oh, my God.

- No way. Okay.
- It's pretty good, but let's...

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

- Oh, look, wait, there's Dory.
- Oh, oh, Dory, Dory, hey.

You want to see this dance
we've been working on?

We're gonna be
going live with it tonight.

- Okay, ready?
- Five, six, seven...

ALL: ♪ Enlightenment, enlightenment ♪

♪ It's coming and it's coming
and it's coming right now ♪

- Don't you love it, Dory?
- Don't you love it?

Isn't it so cheeky?

- Hi.
- Oh.

Are you okay?

Oh, my God. You look white as a ghost.

No, this isn't working.

Oh, should I go down
first instead of up?

And this has to work.

Do you understand what is
coming if this doesn't work?

We only get one sh*t at this.

So enough of the selfies,
enough of the dances,

enough of the childish sh*t.

We have to find a way!

And I can't be the only
one who's doing this.

No one is...
no one is taking this seriously.

- Dory, we're here to help you.
- No, don't touch me.

- Don't touch me.
- Okay, okay.

Stay away from me.

- Are you okay, babe?
- Dory?

- Dory, are you okay?
- You don't look so good.

Oh, my God, Dor, Dor, Dor, Dor,

Dor, Dor, Dor, Dor, Dor, Dor, Dor!

♪ Little boy blue ♪

♪ Come blow your horn ♪

♪ The sheep's in the meadow ♪

♪ The cow's in the corn ♪

You're awake. Hi.

What happened to me?

Oh, you have a really high fever.

But don't worry.

I'm keeping you safe.

Where are the disciples?

The disciples are exhausting you.

And frankly,
I don't think that we can trust them.

They are not in this

for the same reasons that we are, Dor.

They're just not.

[GROANING]

Oh, no.

Ooh, something's really wrong with me.

- You know, you're overworked.
- Oh, my stomach.

Oh, okay, here, here, here.

- Have some of this, sweetie.
- Hmm?

This will make you feel better.

It's really good for tummy aches.

That's good.

Good girl.

♪ Little boy blue ♪

♪ Come blow on your horn ♪

I'm really scared of this ending.

What am I gonna do, just go back

to hoping companies send
me free roller skates

so that I can be loved?

It's a capitalistic lie.

- No, no, no, no, no.
- This is our life now.

We know better.

We are an anxious and depressed society

because we've been denied
spirituality for too long.

And we cannot go back to that.

That is not life.

Well, it's too bad.

She's just gonna throw us all away.

I can feel it.

It's just like everyone else in my life.

I'm disposable.

I have an idea.

But it does involve k*lling myself.

She needs to see us, really see us.

Right now, she can't see.

We need to show her that
we are here for good

and that we're strong enough

to be the leaders of this revolution.

You know what?

I want to become my color,
whatever that takes.

Then she would see my dedication.

Ritchie?

Be a scientist.

Make me be a color.

Okay. This is yellow enough.

So this is going to sear into
your skin and crystallize.

It is gonna be the most painful thing

you've ever experienced in your life.

Are you sure you want
to go through with this?

Mm-hmm.

Hold her down.

♪ ♪

[SCREAMING]

Oh, my God, that's awful!

- Oh, I can't. I can't.
- It's so horrible.

♪ ♪

I'm starting to feel like
it's not going to be possible.

What do you mean?

I mean, if you think about it,

it is pretty absurd.

An enlightenment pill?

Dory.

What happened that is
making you feel that way?

I'm just losing faith.

[SIGHS]

Dory...

everyone gets to a
point where they doubt

that they can do
amazing things, you know?

What if everyone gave up
when they had that doubt?

We would not have things like...

you know, toilet paper.

Like, think about all the things

that the world would have

if the people that
gave up didn't give up.

- Right.
- [KNOCK AT DOOR]

I'll be right back.

I'm gonna check and see who's there.

[HENRY GREEN'S "ANOTHER LIGHT"]

♪ ♪

♪ I thought I saw smoke run down ♪

- What are you doing here?
- This is my home.

We have to see her.

How do you even know where I live?

♪ And color the sea ♪

[PEOPLE CLAMORING]

Okay, okay, okay.

Jesus Christ.

♪ Fallen asleep ♪

♪ My head heavy ♪

♪ With the ocean sound ♪

♪ ♪

♪ But I can't help cool it out ♪

[GASPS]

What did you do?

We stand with you, Dory,

until this pill gets made.

♪ ♪

♪ You pull me out of the dark ♪

♪ Into another light ♪

♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh,
ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh ♪

♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh ♪

♪ This is the start,
just pull me through tonight ♪

♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh,
ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh ♪

♪ You pull me out of the
dark into another light ♪

♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh,
ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh ♪

♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh ♪

♪ This is the start,
just pull me through tonight ♪

♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh,
ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh ♪

♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh ♪

♪ ♪