07x05 - Fingers-Only Meat Banquet

[bunniefuu]

Previously on "weeds"...

How's my baby boy?

Annancy!

Hi.

Come on, buddy.

You're missing the movie. It's the good part.

What did he call me? "Aunt nancy."

Nance, you're gonna be getting some papers from my lawyer.

What papers? Custody.

Custody?!

We need the judge to understand that you are trying.

I'd like you to focus on getting a job.

"Rocket man," doug wilson.

We need an accountant. Tell me you're in.

If I don't have a job, I can't get my kid back.

You start tomorrow, legit.

Someone's here in the room. I'm the husband.

Where's the f*ckin' doorknob?

We're polyamorous.

I have cancer.

Can you work with that?

You had three years to play. Now you're gonna give me four.

You're going to college.

Student loans are readily available from many banks.

Applying at castle hill bank, too?

I'm going everywhere. I bought a few things.

Where did you get the money to pay for all this?

I've applied for some loans, for college.

I need you to deal.

42 New clients.

We're gonna need more supply.

A lot more.

I want weed.

It's gonna be at least another month.

I don't have another month.

The government, the media, main street minor leaguers...

They've all taken their swings at our business over the last couple of years.

They've all tried to put us under, blaming us for their shitty 401s, their upside-down mortgages.

Well, news flash to all those sniveling dumbasses who can't make 10 cents into a dime...

We're bigger.

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

We're smarter.

And we are a fuckload richer!

Am I right? This!

We make it rain. Right?

Some more rain today, because a meat storm is brewing.

I give you... Ntlemen, vehement beefsteak!

Vehement beefsteak!

Much beef. Enjoy.

You've reached the sarge.

I'm knee-deep in the muck. Leave a message.

Demetri? It's nancy.

Checking on that old supply drop.

Lots of dry soldiers. Need rations.

Call me. Bye.

You better muscle in there, nance. 200 Pounds goes fast.

I think I'll pass.

How can you pass?

It's a tradition. It's america.

It's fatty, once-mooing ears of corn.

What's going on with you?

I need money. Could I get an advance?

I got you the beefgirl gig.

That's my lawyer.

So barbaric, so intriguing.

Fingers-only meat banquet.

And you've titled chapter 3 of my book.

Ooh. Coop's hossin' it down over there.

We got to go. Come on, nancy.

Where am I going? Custody hearing.

A hearing was granted.

Custody hearing?

Like "where's my kid gonna live" hearing?

Tomorrow in oakland. We got to take a red-eye.

I can't get on a plane.

You do remember I'm living in a halfway house.

I got you a furlough for the court appearance.

State law. Yay!

48 Hours. Let's go. Chop-chop.

Stevie's gonna be there, and I'm gonna get to see him.

Oh, my god.

Doug, i-i'll be back in two days.

Look. I made a meat volcano.

What should I bring?

A character witness would be nice...

One of your sons, whichever one you think makes you look best.

Shane, is silas here?

Working a half day, huh?

Nice life.

I once decorated my room the same way.

Keeping track of my calls.

Uh, so, these guys here, all around midtown, west village, lower east side, so on, and a checkmark means they've called twice.

Why don't you organize a g*ng bang, get them all done at once?

Shane, feel free to pretend there are multiple rooms here.

Tell me you have good news about our weed supply.

Jill has scheduled a custody hearing.

I need you to come and be a character witness.

For which side?

I'm not asking you to perjure yourself.

Unless you want to.

Think of it as, um, modeling/acting.

I quit modeling to go into business with you.

I just cashed in my next set of loans.

I can buy us plane tickets. Wow.

I'll buy the plane tickets. I only need silas.

He's a ret*rd.

No, take the m*rder*r. I don't care.

Shane, stay here. Go to college.

You're taking $15k for plane tickets?

It's last-minute fares. I'll... I'll book coach.

The rest will be our rainy-day fund. I promise.

I'm charging a vig.

And I would have been a better character witness.

I'm a great liar.

You can testify next time.

So I'm clear, you're asking me to go on record about your motherly qualities?

You want that?

All right.

Use the balls of your feet...

And arch your back.

Oh. All right.

Hey, are you sure you don't mind?

It's not like secondhand smoke is gonna k*ll me.

Oh, yeah. Death humor.

Got to be honest... Not making me laugh.

Guess that's your privilege, though.

Who am I to say what's funny?

Although people tell me that I'm funny, but I'm not dying.

Sorry.

But you are dying.

Slower than me, obviously, but trust me... That could change tomorrow.

Gather ye rosebuds.

Gather ye balls.

Don't just sit on them. Show them to the world.

Show them to the world? I can do that.

Maxeen's taken a liking to you.

You're a vast improvement over the last few guys.

Awfully kind of you.

Wait... "Last few."

"Few" like two or three?

I'm sliding. I'm sliding. Oh!

Okay. I've slid.

I'm taking a liking to you guys, too.

Maxeen mainly, but okay.

The whole... Two-for-one thing, it's...

It's not so hard.

I need sug...

If shu...

You're sliding, too. These chairs are no good, man.

Oh, f*ck.

It's happening.

It's happening now.

Okay.

Phone people.

Okay.

Here's the wire. Where's the phone?

High-top phone.

Look at that.

Charles, don't do it, man.

Um, he's down. Pancreas cancer.

We're here, and he's down.

What do I do?

Oh, god, yeah... Cpr.

That's a great idea.

I'll try that.

I had to put the shoe down!

I got this.

Uh...

Holy sh*t. It worked. He's breathing.

I saved him.

Still clammy! Tell me you've sent somebody!

Not like this, charles.

Not like this.

What are you gonna say at the hearing?

I'm not sure. Figure I'll wing it.

You know, no winging.

I'm serious, okay?

I'm trying to watch "everybody loves raymond."

It's on channel 1. It's good.

What if the judge cross-examines you?

See, debra's really pissed at ray for taking robert's side in a fight with amy.

Oh, now the dad's involved. He's awesome.

Hey.

I could lose stevie.

I have maybe one card to play, and guess what... That's you.

So you could just quit the coy bullshit for just one second, please?

You're dragging me across the country at a moment's notice to talk about you as a mother.

I...

I really, truly don't know what I'm gonna say yet.

I-i have suggestions.

There could be inspiration here.

Maybe I'll compare you to ray.

You mean well, but you get into trouble.

And then there's marie.

You know what?

Be a spectator. Forget it.

I'll defend myself.

That should go well.

He apologizes. She forgives him.

The tall guy makes a dumb joke.

Everyone's happy. The end.

Stop and enjoy the make-believe every once in a while, nance.

I can't afford that.

Hi, it's nancy. Leave your message.

Uh, I thought you were kidding about the two days, nancy.

You know, I gave you a chance when no one else would, and this is how you repay me.

I don't know where the lunch menus are.

My computer's frozen on an image of bradley cooper.

A little help, please, nancy.

Okay, if there's a gyro here in the next half-hour, I'll think about forgiving you.

Extra tzatziki.

Doug wilson.

Yes, with extra tzatziki.

Yeah, i-i promise he'll stop calling you goat bangers.

Okay. Thank you.

Did you find them?

They postponed the hearing.

Till after lunch?

Lunch, plus two months.

They know you'll have trouble getting out here again.

They're making you jump through hoops, making you mad and potentially irrational.

Their lawyer's very good.

So stevie's not even here?

I'm not even gonna get to see him?

No. This is bullshit!

Can they do this? It is, and they can.

You're the f*cking lawyer. Do something.

Project, baby, project. I can take it. Work it out.

Do you want to cry? Do you want to break something?

Let it all out. Just let it go.

Oh, man.

You do not want to give her that opening.

Jill!

Get your ass out here!

Do you think she could've maybe just gone out for some fresh air?

I'll call a cab. We got to go get her.

Son of a bitch.

That's the judge who f*cked us...

Franklin, judge franklin.

They certainly did some work on his portrait.

I'll tell you that.

Judge franklin...

No! No, no, no! Are you nuts?

You never make eye contact with a judge on his lunch break.

Smile. Apologize. You thought he was someone else.

No!

Hi, uh, your honor.

Sorry to bother you.

I had a question about the nancy botwin case...

Or h-hearing.

Botwin...

Oh, wait. I thought we postponed that.

Yes, you did.

That's the problem.

Is this an inconvenient time?!

Should I fly back another day?!

Jill!

Nancy.

I want to see my son.

Damn. Jill just took him to the playground.

Oh, bullshit! I saw her van!

Didn't we reschedule the hearing?

Yeah. I guess you did.

I never got the memo, so here I am.

I'm ready to see my son.

I wish I could help you. I really do.

You know she slept with andy?

Blah, blah, blah. He already knows.

Move on, like the rest of us, nancy.

Jill, really?

You don't have a fence high enough!

Oh, I forgot... You're an expert with iron bars now.

Well, we do have neighborhood security.

It should be here any second.

Let me in, scott.

Don't touch the gate, scott.

What'd she do to win you back?

She give you a clay mold of her vag?

It's probably warmer than the real thing.

Hey, you want to go f*ck the gardener over there?

Looks like your type.

She kidnapped my child!

Crazy woman at my door!

Oh, no, the buzzer. I'm melting!

Keep trying, jill.

Whenever, wherever, hearing, no hearing, I'm his mother!

Stevie, can you hear me?

You remember this voice... But quieter?

Ma'am.

Thanks for coming, carl.

I'm gonna need you to lower your voice, ma'am.

Stevie!

Uh, please don't do that.

Nancy, come on!

What's she doing?

Don't let her over! I'm calling the real cops.

I can handle this, mrs. Gray. Down!

Now!

No! Uh...

Push her toward me!

I can't push her face, carl!

Uh, uh, ma'am, ma'am...

I'm going to have to touch your ass, ma'am.

Push her!

No pushing, no grabbing!

I'm coming down!

What? Unnecessary!

I'm leaving!

Yes, you are.

You'll regret this.

My lawyer took down breast-implant people.

He's gonna take you down... All of you!

Great to see you, nancy. Safe flight!

So...

Nancy botwin is my mother.

Yeah, you've said that twice now.

Look, I finish this sandwich, I'm back to the 12 hearings I do have scheduled today.

You ever mediate between a transgender couple and grandparents?

Brutal.

Go.

Uh, well, nancy botwin is...

Uh, she means well.

Sometimes it's bumpy, but it's good.

Okay.

W-when I was 10, I had an asthma att*ck on halloween, so no candy for me.

Brand-new austin powers costume still in the plastic bag.

But she put it on and walked the neighborhood the whole night, just to get me candy.

She fought with some kids.

Well... I mean, it wasn't...

She looks out for us. She...

Geez, I can't believe I'm saying this.

She loves us.

And I'm pretty sure she loves her youngest, stevie, even more.

And to not even give her the chance...

Look, she's not mom of the year.

Whatever you want to do, just at least give her a fair fight.

Not the most impassioned speech I ever heard.

Yeah. It's not exactly what I had mapped out.

You're a fast eater.

Well, I'm still hungry. Let me find her file.

Yo!

Hey, rocketman!

Hey, whit, did you check the earnings report?

Sure did. Great f*cking quarter.

Great f*cking quarter... Probably.

Probably?

I don't want to be a d*ck, and I know I say that a lot, but this guy you had in here before must have been a colossal sh*t-for-brains.

Go on.

Some of these dividends, they were coming and going.

I mean, what's this guy, a meth addict?

I mean, it's sweeping the nation.

Wait, wait.

You went through the whole report?

You know, most people probably wouldn't even catch it.

Thing is, I got a diagnosed case of synesthesia.

I see words and numbers in colors, like the number 3 is orange.

The word "tuesday" is green.

Uh, "vag*na," purple.

f*ck.

Deep black, unless you're talking the verb.

Then it's more of a blood red.

Anyway, it helped me to string together a few patterns.

You got anything this afternoon?

Cancel it.

There's somewhere I want to take you.

Well, if it's delmonico's, I should pass.

I'm still a little backed up from yesterday.

Hoping greek's gonna push it on through.

Mr. Palmer?

Dr. Palmer. May I help you?

I want to take your class.

You are aware we're three weeks into the term?

I'll make it up.

If you're looking for an easy "a,"

You've come to the wrong place.

I am meticulous. I am exacting.

You completed the prereqs, I assume?

k*lled them.

You will have to buy my book.

Can I purchase it directly from you?

I think we might find a spot for you, mr...

Botwin... Shane.

Mr. Shane botwin, welcome to applied criminal justice.

That's the problem with these plug-ins.

If you'd uncuff me, I'll help you push.

Got to start checking the power on this thing, carl.

g*dd*mn night guy thinks it's more important he charges his ipad.

Brought your bag.

I didn't know whether to drop it in first or, um, leave it behind.

I was being optimistic.

Not a bad try, the whole catwoman approach.

Maybe next time, you could parachute in or dig a tunnel.

I don't like to get dirt under my nails.

Look, if you go into that house right now, all hell is gonna break loose, and stevie would see that.

Do I have a choice?

I'll make sure you get to video-chat with him.

I-i want him told I'm his mother.

What you say on that call... Look, it's your call.

Please, cancel the custody hearing, scott.

Please.

That is out of my control.

Scott, what's she saying?

She called you a c**t!

Sorry.

Fair enough.

By the way, we, uh...

We never had this conversation.

Listen, when jill and I were split up, I didn't get to see shayla and taylor all that much.

It sucks. I get it.

So you'll back me on the custody?

I said I get it.

I also said I like seeing my girls.

Sorry.

About what I expected.

Maybe better.

Shane? Silas.

d*ck move today, uncle scott.

He's atoning.

Okay. Another 40 minutes, and we're good to go.

Uncuff her, carl.

These guys will make sure she leaves, right?

I'm gonna gag her and stuff her into my trunk right now.

No? Okay.

Thank you, scott.

What'd you do?

I can't decide whether I want a good story or a good client.

Go on. Tell me.

All a big mix-up.

Let's go.

Judge wants to see you.

It's satisfying.

Doing my job, doing it well... Feels good.

That, my friend, is the oiled hand on your cock.

Could be.

Hey...

As far as what you found, it's not a problem.

You haven't even looked at it yet.

Relax, please.

There are two ways to go in our biz.

The first is you follow every bullshit subsection in the s.e.c. Rule book, nobody makes a profit, and the economy collapses.

Fascists. Yeah.

The second way, you use your common sense, you do what you got to do...

Make the investors happy, keep the free-market economy running.

So we're cooking the books?

Christ, doug.

I-i wish you had told me.

I busted my ass working on those reports.

Remember, relax.

You're acting like a small-town cpa touring wall street for the first time.

Okay, now you're too relaxed.

Whit, could you please put your f*cking business on hold for 10 minutes... Just once?

No, I can't, carrie. This is serious sh*t.

f*ck it. I got my 5:00.

Jen's gonna have to finish you both.

Hey, hey, are you working this weekend?

My girlfriend wants to come with for a couples.

Make an appointment.

And tell her I'm not putting any pantyhose in my mouth this time.

You know, whit, I'm just trying to cover my ass.

Me too.

It's all good. Asses are covered.

Dicks are out, but asses are covered.

You got that right, brother.

Oh. Hmm.

Oh, by the way, we're playing goldman on saturday.

Hey, jen, you know what we call this guy? Oh.

Rocketman.

Does rocketman ever take off?

Oh, that feels good.

Little faster.

Okay.

"I then smiled gaily to find the deed so far done.

"But, for many minutes, the heart b*at on with a muffled sound."

What the hell are you reading him?

"Tell-tale heart."

Poe?

Like "everything is dark and dreary and dead or dying" poe?

Right now? I just saved him.

It's his favorite.

This is, uh...

I'm gonna go get ice cream for when he wakes up.

Carvel? Maybe they can do fudgie the raven.

He's not contagious, andy.

You didn't see his skin. It was so waxy.

It's just a little hypoglycemia.

It happens sometimes.

Are his lips usually that salty?

I have no frame of reference, but they tasted closer to dead fish than they probably should have.

You're just mad that you made out with him when you didn't have to.

I was in the moment. I acted courageously.

Not exactly sweet kisses I jumped into.

No offense, charles.

Poor thing. Do you want to come lay down, too?

I think you're underestimating the weight of my experience this afternoon.

I was joking.

Okay.

Imagine... We're in bed one night, enjoying ourselves, what we've become.

It's probably something good.

And he...

You know? Right next to us.

Imagine we're...

Right?

That's a heavy weight on the shoulders.

When that time comes, he'll probably be in his own bed, tubes everywhere and machines going.

Bubbie.

What?

It's bubbie.

I...

I can't be polyamorous with bubbie.

I don't get the exact reference, but...

I think I understand.

And I can't blame you.

If the shoe was on the other foot...

I don't know.

It's not you. It's not me, either.

I didn't flee. I passed.

And he's alive, yes.

I'm not trying to pin this all on charles.

Not his fault.

But the downside... This is heavy sh*t.

I know it can't all be popsicles and pet shops.

But I really hate poe... And death.

Life is my thing.

Really, it's okay.

You can stop talking now.

Your honor, i-if I may say something first...

Okay, ms. Botwin, here's how I see it.

Children with their mothers is a good thing.

If at all possible, that's the way I rule.

Unfortunately, in your situation, that's not possible...

Right now.

At the same time, it'd be unfair to grant custody to mrs. Gray...

Right now.

Too much is up in the air.

So, finish out your sentence, and at that time, I'll see what is and is not possible.

Thank you.

Your halfway house has probably already told you all the things you need to do...

Get money, stable job, et cetera.

Those are true.

But here's some additional advice.

Do not concoct some grand plan to change yourself.

It never works.

Don't reinvent the wheel.

From what I see from your son, the wheel was spinning just fine once.

Go back to that model, that nancy botwin.

You got caught up with the wrong people.

Move on from that crowd.

Return to the ones who helped you succeed on both a personal and maternal level...

Your friends, your family.

You're probably never gonna grace the cover of parenting magazine.

I'm not looking for that. Keep it simple.

Be the nancy who raised silas.

You do that, we'll see what's possible.

Maybe we should've called first.

They grow weed. We have money. It'll be fine.

I hope you're right.

Come on. Go ahead.

Go ahead. Knock.

Uh, I'm pretty sure you still owe me one for yesterday.

You knock.

Go on. Knock.

Hell...

...no.