07x02 - Buzzed

[bunniefuu]

Thanks.

So what's the damage? 47.

20 a guy? No no no no no.

Forget that. We're not breaking this down even.

We all ate the same thing, Drama. No, he had the home fries.

You ordered those. Yeah, but you ate 'em.

That's 'cause you didn't like them.

So what? I would have sent them back.

Are you seriously trying to sell me your potatoes?

I ain't selling you sh*t.

Possession is 9/10ths of the law and your stomach now possesses them.

Whatever. I don't have time for this. I'll just pay, all right?

Thanks, E. No, I'll pay with my company card.

Amy, here you go. Yes... oh.

Thanks, Turtle. Some company.

Don't be mad 'cause I'm employed and you probably never will be.

I gotta call Vince. He was still sleeping when I left.

Really? We'll wake him up then. Yeah.

Sorry, Turtle, they rejected your card.

What? Oh, good God.

That can't be. Thank you.

Thanks. But I never use this card.

I'll be right back. No, seriously, I never use this card.

Hello? Yo, how are you feeling?

Good. Rested.

You should be, you slept for 18 hours.

Really? Yeah, you got the "Ferrari" junket at 11:00.

Are you gonna be ready? Yeah, of course.

But I need a haircut first. I don't think you're gonna have time before, but I'm sure the hair and makeup people there can do it.

Naw, I only like how Sharon does it.

So you'll go after. I'm sure you look fine.

Where am I going? You're going to Drai's at the W Hollywood.

You need me to meet you there? I don't need anything but a haircut.

All right, I'll see you there. I knew you still cared.

Later. Late.

Thank you for coming with me.

My baby wants me to look at a chandelier, then a chandelier I will look at.

Even if it means driving 90 minutes into the deep part of the Valley.

I know you couldn't care less, but this is spectacular.

It's Murano glass and it was originally owned by Sophia Loren.

I'd rather look at nude photos of her original body.

Ari. I cannot wait to see that chandelier.

Yeah? I've got Jerry Jones calling you back?

Put him through. Owner of the Cowboys.

I know who he is. I've been waiting for this call for a while.

Ari Gold! Jerry, how the hell are you?

I'm well. You're a persistent fella.

I haven't gotten to where I am by giving up easily.

You know, either you or your staff have called me 25 times this week.

We wanted to make sure you got the message.

I got the message.

I understand you want to sell our TV rights.

Understand that you want us to sell your TV rights.

Confident. I deliver, Jerry.

Always have. Ask anyone.

Even my wife, who's in the car.

He always delivers, Mr. Jones.

Always nice to hear from the missus, but let me tell you why I'm calling.

A couple of associates and I are flying out to LA this afternoon and will only be there for the day. How does 2:00 sound to you?

We can make that work. Great.

Wow me like you wow your wife.

You got it!

Sexy accent.

Jake, clear my schedule and get as much information as you can on those guys.

Will do. Whoa whoa whoa, what are you doing?!

I'm dropping you off, baby. Are you kidding me?

You heard me say clear my schedule. I didn't know that meant me.

This is the NFL, baby. And this is a Murano chandelier.

I sell the TV rights and I will buy you Italy.

What do you mean he sounded weird?

Not weird, just out of it. He's on pain medication.

Naw, he said he didn't take them.

Yes, hello. My card got declined.

I need to speak with someone who can undecline it because I never use it.

No, please, don't put me on hold again...

I'm gonna lose it.

Jesus. What?

Jesus! I did it myself. You like?

I need a second to process. I don't.

I love it. In fact, I think we look more alike now than ever.

Right? What? I thought I needed a change.

This is a pretty big one. Did you tell Cassavetes?

Well? I'm not an idiot, E.

He said it was fine and we're wrapped.

That's good. Good? It's great.

Don't be such a nag. How's it all going with you guys?

Drama's still locked out of the business.

And his business is bouncing credit cards.

It was a mistake. I'm looking into it. Yes, hello!

Lloyd can't find a script? No.

Hey, E, maybe it's time you start reading some.

Really? Best script-finder in town.

Would you, E? Of course he would.

Yeah, of course.

Just have Lloyd send them over. Done deal.

Hey, Eric.

Jesus, Vince. I thought you were Samantha Ronson from behind.

I just needed a change. You like?

Mmm. Yeah, you pull it off.

Thanks. So shall we?

Maria from "Access" is waiting.

So "Ferrari" opens on the 27th and there are some pretty exciting driving sequences.

Frank Darabont sh*t the hell out of this movie.

Were you doing the driving?

No, unfortunately they brought in the experts.

Since you bring it up, that wasn't the case with the Nick Cassavetes movie.

I was doing the driving there. From what I heard that was pretty intense.

Someone charged $10,000 at Tiffany.

It wasn't me. I know!

Shh! You know who it was?

My ex-driver. The one that wouldn't f*ck you?

Shut up, idiots. So Nick just says "You're doing the stunt" and you don't think twice? Oh no, I thought 100 times.

But how do you say no to Nick? Scary guy?

Have you ever seen him? 6'4", tats on his neck.

Pretty intimidating. I could tell you a few stories.

I'm all ears. I'll wait for the movie to come out.

Hopefully after the two of you risked your lives, it'll be a hit.

Who knows? It'll probably end up sucking.

What the f*ck? Jesus Christ!

Vincent, what do you think the studio is gonna say when they hear the star is saying that the movie sucks?

That's not what I said. That's what it sounded like.

But that's not what I meant, so what's the big deal?

Nick's gonna be pissed.

Tell him Vince is dazed and confused from the pain meds he took.

I thought he didn't take any. I'm making it up.

I took a couple. There you go.

But I wasn't dazed. And I think you guys are making a big deal out of nothing.

I was being funny. Let me get into fixing this, all right?

Great. Now who's up for lunch?

Not E. He's got scripts to read and lots of them. I'm on it.

Turtle? Ah, no can do.

Got new drivers to interview and a thief to deal with.

You really think that girl Alex did it?

Uh-huh. We'll grab lunch, bro.

Maybe hit a titty bar to cheer me up.

Whatever you need, Johnny. You're a good brother.

I'm really glad you didn't die. Thanks, Johnny.

Maria.

Maria, can I talk to you about Vincent's interview for a second?

f*ck off, Shauna. Seriously?

He said the movie sucked?! I couldn't believe my f*cking ears.

Why didn't you just pull the plug on the interview?

I tried to get her to cut it, but she hates me and won't do anything I say.

How could anyone hate you? Look, I screwed her ex, okay?

You have three kids from three different men.

You've screwed everyone's ex.

This is not something I can fix, Ari!

It's amazing. I didn't realize that when I became King of Hollywood it meant that I would have to do everyone else's job for them.

Stop breaking my balls and just call her.

Jake, I need to call...

Ari, you have to talk to the accounting department.

I don't have to do anything. I have multiple clients with checks missing.

That's not a king's job.

Jeffrey Tambor wants a conference call with us.

Nor is that. Behead him and I'll make you queen.

What? I'm not asking you because I need you, but I'm on the verge of signing an executive producer from "Glee."

I don't sing, so what do you want from me?

Ari... He wants to know from you that he will be taken care of. And since you used to do that even for Andrew before he left us without a head of our television department...

What time? 1:00.

Can't do it. He can't, he's got the NFL.

You got the meeting? Mm-hmm.

sh*t, that's impressive. Yeah, I'd blow myself if I was more flexible. Oh, lovely.

Ari, Mr. Jones called back. He wants to come in an hour earlier.

Earlier? Yes.

Jesus Christ, I have to focus up and get ready.

King Ari is actually slightly, for the first time in his life, frazzled.

So I need you to handle your meeting. Pretend you actually like men and don't just chew them up and spit them out like the former head of the TV department.

Anything else you need? The NFL's a king's ransom, Jake.

What more could I possibly need?

You screwed her ex, Shauna?

Is this one of your kids' fathers?

When did we become friends, Eric? We didn't.

You want me to call Maria? No, Ari's got it covered.

I will call you after he calls me. Thank you.

You're welcome. Rude little Irish prick.

Nasty bitch.

Look who finally has time to show up at his own office. Huh?

When you represent a movie star, Scott, we'll see how much time you have.

Oh, excuse me, are you implying that Chris O'Donnell is not a movie star?

Because I will tell him and he will kick your ass.

These came from Johnny. Jesus!

Johnny who? You didn't sign Depp, you f*ck?

No. Thank God!

And Murray called from the airport.

He ran to Paris with that 20-year-old, wanted to make sure you didn't need anything before he went.

Me? What could I possibly need? Nothing.

Absolutely nothing. That is the point, E.

We do not need the old man.

We could be making beautiful music together if you'd stop pushing me away all the time.

I will keep that in mind, Scotty, thank you. Thank you.

And, doll, the music thing, that goes for you too.

I think you've got a better chance with him.

Oh really?

So do you know LA well? Oh yeah, like the back of my hand.

I'm an actress so I've auditioned all over town.

Oh, cool. Anything I might have seen you in?

Um, well, I f*cked David Duchovny on "Californication."

Oh, really? I watch that show. I don't remember you.

Oh, it was from behind so they never really showed my face.

Oh. Oh yeah, I remember that.

That was good. Thanks.

But I'm giving up on the whole acting thing

'cause every role I get, they just want me to show my tits.

No one's going to ask you to show your tits here.

Good.

Hey, Rachel said I could come by and grab my check.

Uh, yeah. Can you give me one second? Mm-hmm.

All right. Let's go out there.

You know you could have just mailed it. Yeah, I could have.

And if you wanted to say you're sorry again, you could have just called.

I didn't want to say I'm sorry. Oh.

No? No, I was on the phone with Amex all morning.

It seems someone charged $10,000 at Tiffany's?

$10,000? You're the only one I let use that card.

So what are you saying? Did you use it at Tiffany's?

Uh, yeah, I did.

Then I'm saying if you give me back whatever you bought and I can return it, I don't see a reason to call the cops.

The cops? Yeah.

Why don't you give me my paycheck before I call the cops?

You're gonna call the cops? Yeah, Turtle.

I'm gonna call the cops because I did use the credit card at Tiffany when you asked me to do you a favor and get your mom something nice.

I did? Yeah. And I'm sure that was your way of trying to turn me on, but the fact that you didn't even look at it and don't even remember tells me everything I need to know about you.

So you bought my mother something for 10 grand, yet I didn't receive a thank you call?

No, I bought your mom something for $1,000.

It should be there today or tomorrow.

So why would they charge my card 10 grand?

Check with Tiffany's because it's got nothing to do with me, assh*le.

Oh, and by the way, he did try to see my tits!

Have you checked in with E? I have a call into him, Johnny.

But I don't think he's gonna have any more luck than I had.

Don't be jealous that I brought a big g*n in, Lloyd.

I'm not jealous of your big g*n, Johnny.

It would just be nice if you appreciated the job I'm doing.

When I have a job, I'll appreciate your job.

Goodbye, Johnny. Goodbye, Lloyd.

I feel like a leper, bro. Like nobody cares.

That's not true. E cares. No, he's just being a friend.

Hey, Johnny, do you want a lap dance?

Yeah, sure, Cind. How about at my house in my bed with no tassels on your tits?

What do you say? You're gross.

See, I'm a leper.

Come on, Johnny, cheer up. Only finding a script will cheer me up.

All right, I have an idea. Why don't I call E, make sure he's working? Good thinking.

Yeah, well, I do have other things to deal with, Vince.

Like what? Like the Maria thing for one.

Isn't Shauna dealing with that? Yeah, it's being handled.

Good, then you're free. You're not my only client.

Yeah, but I'm still your biggest and I'm saying you don't need to deal with me right now.

So just pretend that Johnny's me and treat him like you'd treat me.

Okay. Come on, bro, come on.

Strip club in the middle of the day, Vince? Research for a role.

All right, we'll see you there in a few. You guys are coming here?!

Yeah, we'll all pitch in.

Jennie, will you cancel my Saget lunch?

He won't be happy. Yeah, he never is.

I'll take your Saget lunch.

I'm doing all Murray's work, I might as well do yours too.

You want to help, read a script for Johnny Chase.

I'd rather have my assh*le waxed.

The NFL is here.

Conference room, quickly. Should I get that first?

What does quickly mean? Okay!

Ari. I thought you had a signing.

I moved it up, he's signed. Good work.

Let me sit in on the NFL. For what purpose?

A woman's perspective. This is football.

We don't need a woman's perspective.

Ari, I know more about the NFL than you do.

Please. I used to intern at NFL Films.

My cousin used to wash Phil Mickelson's balls.

Does that mean he's ready for the Masters?

Ari, I know what I'm talking about. Okay, fine.

You are now the commissioner of the NFL. What's your first order of business?

I would eliminate two preseason games. I'd go to an 18-game schedule.

Teams will sell more tickets, more concessions, more merchandise...

All right, fine. Only speak when spoken to and button up.

Button up? This is the NFL not the NBA.

Gentlemen, it is a privilege and an honor to meet with the heads of the greatest sports league on the planet.

How are you? It's good to see you, Lee.

Jerry, how was the flight? Bumpy as hell, but I hope it's smooth sailing from here.

No doubt, sir. Come on in, everybody.

This is my colleague Lizzie Grant.

Hi, it's such a pleasure to meet you all.

But, Lee Gordon, I hope you won't be insulted. I'm not sure I can talk to you.

You two know each other? No no.

But I know that Lee is with the Steelers and I'm a Bengals girl from Cincinnati.

I hope we can still be friends.

If you can give me some insight on how we can b*at them, we will be.

You guys swept us last year.

You won two championships in the last five years.

You have to let a long-suffering fan like me have a little fun, right?

Do you have a boyfriend? You know, I'm grooming my son to be general manager of the Cowboys.

Maybe I ought to be grooming you to be the GM.

Huh, wow. This kid spent his whole life skydiving, bungee jumping, cliff diving, then one day gets hit by a car.

It's a comedy? No, I was reading this magazine.

But listen, he decided to become an organ donor before he was k*lled.

Jesus, bro. And his organs saved six lives and enhanced 30 more.

Am I an organ donor, E? Yes.

Great. You guys want to go bungee jumping?

No, Vince, we want to read these scripts.

We do? Yeah.

Besides, we almost lost you once this week, we don't need another scare.

Johnny, this kid d*ed in a car accident.

I could walk out of here and boom!... get hit by a bus.

You can't be afraid to try new things, E.

If it'll get me a break from this, I'd go swimming with sharks.

You're not swimming with nobody. Now read.

Baby bro, I know you don't even like to read your own scripts. You can go.

Shark swimming? Read.

I'm gonna go roam the office. Check out the company.

Stay away from Jennie. Oh, is she the heavyset one?

I'm focused!

Jennie, want to go to lunch?

I don't think E's gonna let me. How about Florence?

I know he won't let me. But if you're serious, maybe I'll quit.

Vinnie Chase, hey man.

What's the matter? E not keeping you engaged?

Oh no, he's working on stuff for my brother.

Scotty Lavin. I work with your boy.

I dig the haircut. Yeah?

Yeah. Is it for the Cassavetes movie?

No, I just figured why not?

I love the spontaneity. I love to hear it.

I've been hanging out with a bunch of bores. Nobody wants to have any fun.

What do you want to do? I don't know.

Bungee jumping, heli boarding.

Really? I've never done either, but I'm intrigued. It's kinda nuts, right?

I don't think so, but I'm an idiot.

I'm jumping off a cliff for spring break.

Are you serious? I'd love to try that. So come with.

You got anything sooner? Have I got anything sooner?

You're sick. I love you. You want to jump out of a plane?

I know a guy. I could have you in the air in 20 minutes.

How about today? You are serious.

Today? If you can.

f*ck it, I'll clear my schedule.

I should tell E.

No no, you shouldn't tell E, unless you want him to talk you out of it.

Ah, you know him too well.

You're kidding, right?

I called Tiffany's. They added a zero by mistake.

They're terribly sorry. They're sending me a nice gift certificate.

Oh, lucky you. It's yours if you want it.

No, thanks.

Look, I'm really sorry. Okay.

I brought your check. Great.

Thanks. And, hey...

I'm sorry I didn't thank you for doing that for my mother.

And, yeah, I was trying to impress you.

That's so sad. If your mom only knew that's why she was getting a gift...

She'd like it. My mom's a romantic.

Turtle, give it a rest. I thought I made it clear that I'm not interested.

And you're starting to get creepy. I'm not hitting on you.

Then what are you doing?

I just wanted to make sure you forgive me.

Why do you care? I don't know.

I like to be liked and I hate to be hated.

I don't hate you, okay? Okay.

Good. Then I'm gonna go.

And just know I know when I'm wrong, and if you ever need me for anything, I know I owe you one.

This one sucks. Positivity, E, I need it.

I'm pretty positive these all suck.

You're ready to give up after an hour?

No, but I think we need to try a different approach with you, Drama.

See, you're very... unique. What leading man isn't?

I think we need to build a show around you.

How?

I'm gonna put some calls out to some showrunners.

Maybe we can get someone to write something for you.

That's a great idea. You think we could find someone?

It's worth a sh*t.

Look, E, I know we've had our ups and downs, but I really appreciate this.

Have we had downs? No, but we probably will if we work together.

We're not really working together.

I'd like to make it official.

I want you to manage me... real client, real commissions.

What do you say?

Uh, okay...

Drama.

Should we hug or something? I thought you'd never ask.

It's Lloyd.

Hey, if he found something before the hug, I won't pay a commission on it.

You understand. Yeah, Lloyd, what do you got?

Johnny, I'm afraid I don't have anything good to report. I'm really sorry.

Great. Well, my big g*n's got an idea.

Where's Vince? Uh, he left with Lavin.

To go where?

So any word? Not yet.

Any second though. How do you know?

Well, they said that they would call at 4:00 and it's 3:52. Did you listen to anything they said?

Yes, Ari, I was listening.

I think you're nervous. I don't get nervous.

Ari Gold's office.

Uh, yes, let me see if I can get him.

It's Jerry Jones.

Okay, let me know. Stay here.

How are you, Jerry?

Airy, everyone is raving about your performance.

Good job, great meeting. Well, thank you very much.

Is there a "but" coming? Well, the but is that the television-rights decisions are made by all 32 owners, and it must work pretty good that way... we've got the most lucrative television rights in sports.

I think I can do better, sir. Perhaps, Airy...

It's Ari. ...but that's just the way we do it.

We do it internally. Well, I think you're making a mistake.

How would you like to come to the next owners' meeting and have your say?

I'm not following you. Airy... Ari, we've been wanting a team in LA for a long time.

You may be the man.

How'd you like to own an NFL team, Mr. Gold?

I love you. I love it.

Hey, I'll give you a call tomorrow and we'll talk more about this.

All right.

What was that? What happened?

They're doing the sale internally.

God damn it. But they want me to bring a team to LA.

Are you serious?

What do you think about the name the LA Golds?

I like it. I love it!

Congratulations. Oh my God. Congratulations to you. Huh?

You k*lled it in there, by the way. Thank you.

Maybe I'll make you a cheerleader, who knows?

How about GM? Whatever you want.

You won't believe it, baby. Hello, I'm Ari's wife.

Yes, hi. How are you? So nice to meet you.

I'm Lizzie.

I'm gonna talk to you later.

So that's Lizzie?

The one that f*cked Andrew into rehab?

What are you doing here, baby?

I wanted to show you a picture of the chandelier.

I'd love it. Let me take a look at it. Honey...

Baby. Baby. Uh, Nick Cassavetes is on the phone and he doesn't sound happy. Jesus.

Nick, Vince has been a little off since the accident.

He doesn't think the movie sucks. I don't care about that, Ari.

The movie's great. I know it and so does the studio.

What's the problem then? The problem? Have you seen his head?

His head? His f*cking head, Ari!

I want to do a couple of reshoots. How am I supposed to do it when he looks like Tobey Maguire from "Brothers"?

Jesus Christ. Suck my d*ck, Ari.

Get E on the phone. Put him through to this.

I'm going home. You got it.

How long can we sit here, Bob?

We're gonna sit here till I comprehend why you blew me off for lunch.

Oh, come on, it wasn't personal. You know what was personal?

I got blown by two girls last night.

And in the middle of it, some guy comes home and says, "What are you doing with my wives?"

Wives... Mormon sh*t.

I'm serious. Ari's on the phone.

I gotta take this, Bob. In the middle of my blowjob story?

We'll be here all night while I try to figure out how you could interrupt that.

Give me five minutes, Bob. E!

Bob. What the f*ck?

What's up, Ari?

Where's Vince and what the hell happened to his head?

How did you know about his head? Cassavetes is freaking out.

He wants to do some reshoots.

He said he cleared it with Cassavetes. He did not!

I have some problems at home I have to take care of.

When you find Vince, have him call me.

Well... Ari, hold on a second. That's Vince on the other line.

Vince, where are you? I'm on the phone with Ari.

He's freaking out. Well, conference him in.

Ari, we got Vince on the line. Vinnie, where are you?

I'm with one of E's partners. We're not partners.

Whatever you are. What's up, Ari? Vince, we need to talk.

Where are you? Would you two relax?

Cassavetes is having a fit. I thought you were taking care of that.

The interview isn't the problem. Well, what is?

You didn't tell him you're cutting your hair.

Uh... Vince, you said you did.

Okay, I was a little dazed and confused on pain meds when I shaved my head, E. He wants to sh**t more scenes.

Jesus. About 15 seconds.

It's go time, Vince, come on. Hey, I'm sorry, guys.

We'll have to talk about this when I get back.

Get back from where? Where are you going?

I'm not going anywhere. I'm jumping out of a plane.

What? We gotta go. We're gonna miss the spot.

It's totally safe. Don't worry.

Hey, don't worry about it, E. I got him covered.

Vinnie, Vinnie!

I'll call you from the ground. Whoo! Let's go.