07x05 - Bottoms Up

[bunniefuu]

You read a book a week?

Some of them don't even have pictures.

I'm not... I'm not trying to be insulting.

I'm just impressed if I read a book a month.

I'm sure you have bigger priorities.

Okay, now you're insulting me. I got it.

How do I know that girl Vince is talking to?

No clue. I've never seen her.

Sure you have. That's Sasha Grey.

The p*rn star?!

Oh yeah!

And she did Soderbergh's movie, so she's legit now.

I read for that.

Yo, boys. Hey, Scotty!

Hey, I want to thank you all for the invite out with the internal crew.

It means a lot to me. Now that E can tolerate you.

You hear from Stamos? No. You believe it?

The guy probably hasn't even read the script yet.

It's 40 pages. How long could it take?

Relax, Drama. If he doesn't call you by tomorrow, I'll call him.

Thanks, E. Where's Vince?

At the bar talking to Sasha Grey.

No. The a**l specialist, oh my God.

Think Vince knows who she is? No way.

Maybe we should tell him. He'll find out later.

Way more fun coming from her.

Actions do speak louder than words.

Oh God, I bet her ass sings opera.

I've never done the ass.

Really? Oh, you should. Is it that great?

Are you kidding? vag*na's my third favorite hole, bro.

Nice. What about you, E?

None of your business. That's a no.

You an ass virgin, E? Yeah, Drama, unlike you my ass remains untouched.

Wait a minute, E. You've gotta try it at least once before you get married. You have to!

Aw, Sloan's not that kind of girl.

And I mean that in a good way. I'm not talking about Sloan.

You gotta find, like, a civilian broad. Get it out of your system.

It's not in my system, so let's move on.

I'd like to stay right here for a second, E, and I say this with all due respect...

If it's about Sloan or her ass, please don't say anything at all.

You gotta do it before you get married.

You wait 10 years to ask, she's gonna think it's because you're not happy.

Why don't you guys just worry about the ass you're not getting?

Please. I'm getting closer by the minute.

With what? A cute girl. Tell him.

Yeah, she's cute, but he ain't getting any closer.

We made out all night.

You made out all night where? At the freshmen dance?

It was a business meeting that turned into a makeout session.

Business he won't tell us anything about.

You'll hear about it soon enough.

We're holding our breath. Guys, this is Sasha.

Hey, how you doing?

I just want to say I loved you in "The Girlfriend Experience."

Thank you. How was working with Soderbergh?

Amazing. Yeah, I bet.

If it makes you feel any better I read for your old show "Five Towns" and didn't get it.

It does actually. If the roles were reversed we could have watched Drama in "The Boyfriend Experience."

And all the hard research leading up to it.

She's funny, Vin. And she reads.

Her p*rn name came from Oscar Wilde's "The Picture of Dorian Gray."

How hot is that? I guess he does know who she is.

We're gonna take off. Later.

He's got a big meeting tomorrow. Don't keep him out too late.

Don't worry about it. We're going straight to bed.

She's gonna give me lessons in her craft.

That's f*cked up. I got all her DVDs.

I will give them to you so you can see what you're missing tonight.

Give them to E so he can see what he's been missing his whole life.

Ow ow! Sorry, baby.

Why are you so angry? Do I seem angry?

Sorry, I am a little bit angry, baby.

It's Lizzie Grant. You were thinking about her while you were having sex with me?

You think I'm happy about it?!

Do you have some confession to make or something?

What? No, she's going after my clients is all.

Do you really think that she's a viable candidate to replace you?

Well, since the merger and now with the NFL, I've... I've neglected some of them.

Yeah, you've been neglecting some other people too.

Who? Are you kidding me?

Baby, we were just having sex.

You were having sex. Oh, come... that's what marriage is for, so you can bang out your anger.

Oh my God. I'm sure you've done it to me, baby.

You can't just leave me like this. Come on!

How am I gonna work?!

Work yourself, Ari.

Morning, Ari. Why are you walking angry?

Has Lizzie Grant contacted any of your clients?

No no no. But I heard she's talking to Aaron Sorkin.

I heard Jessica Simpson too.

Who is she working for? Mmmm.

Okay, people, we are at w*r here!

Former colleague Lizzie Grant is trying to take clients from this agency. She called Mike Tyson.

She's calling the sports department.

Okay, who is she working for? CAA?

ICM? Let's make it simple.

I have never allowed any agent to leave and take a client with them.

I'm not about to allow it to happen today.

Any one of your clients, I don't care how big or how small, if they're wavering, tell me. I will personally go and talk to them.

Jake!

Yes, Ari?

You're about to witness what made me who I am today.

Call Aaron Sorkin, Mike Tyson and Jessica Simpson.

Now!

Who should I start with? Figure it out.

You want to take me to the Nuart for a Godard double feature?

You could use some culture. Who the f*ck are you?

Just a cool chick who likes art and sex.

Mmm, I know that's not Drama's crappy cooking I smell.

I hope you like pancakes.

I like the way they smell, so I'm sure I'll like the way they taste.

Hey look, I got Mickey Mouse. Aww.

What do you got for me? How about this one?

I'd prefer tits. That's f*cking rude.

I'm kidding. She really is funny.

I think a sitcom's in my future. The next Mary Tyler Moore.

What do you got there, Turtle?

My future. Tequila?

Yep. Ooh, I love tequila.

Bust it open. Now?

What better way to start the day? Totally.

Okay. So this is the business?

Well, I wanted you to taste it first so you could tell me if you think there is a business.

Oh, E called... wanted to make sure you're gonna be at your meeting on time.

Tell him I'm not. But I will be.

Well, to a good meeting that will lead to a great movie.

Movies. Sounds like a franchise. Let's hope.

You like? That's very good.

Very smooth. I'm not crazy, right? It's good sh*t.

No, so what do they want you to do? Promote.

Oh, you can definitely do that.

Maybe you want to get involved also?

Sure. What do you want me to do?

I'm gonna talk to E about that. Okay.

Here's a good luck pancake.

You are an artist.

Cheers.

Same.

One more. Yeah.

One more, one more. You're drinking all my stuff.

Stamos is obviously not calling me, so I need you to call him.

I already left word. Well, leave word again!

Because something's definitely up. Relax, Drama!

I can't relax, E. I got no job, no auditions, nothing.

I will call again and as soon as I hear something I will call you back.

Okay? Okay. Later.

Morning, Jennie. Morning.

Any word from Stamos yet? Uh, no, but... bizarrely enough, Bob Saget is in your office.

Why?

Hey, Bob. Hey, Eric.

What kind of phone do you use?

A BlackBerry.

BlackBerry? Can I see it?

Why? I'm thinking of switching but I don't want to do anything rash, so I want to see it first.

May I? Yeah sure.

Thanks.

Christ. What?

I have a BlackBerry, Eric.

I just rolled through your calls. You haven't changed your number.

I called you four times this morning and you ignored me.

I just walked in the door. You were going to be my first call.

You think if I call you four times, it could maybe be something important?

I don't call anybody four times in a row unless I'm trying to f*ck them.

Bob, I'm here now, so what's so important?

Sloan's on the phone. Tell her I'll call her back, please?

She sounds a little freaked out.

Gotta take this, Bob. You know how it is.

Oh, please, be my guest.

Hello? Everything okay?

This is awkward. What is?

I wasn't snooping. I was just on looking for our registry and happened to see your search history on the computer.

Yeah, and? Did you Google a**l sex?

Uh... I mean, I hope it was for me and not someone else, 'cause...

Well yeah, I mean, of course it was for you.

I just... I thought maybe... maybe you wanted to try it.

E, we've tried it once.

You couldn't look at me.

You just kept patting me on the head saying you were sorry.

Well yeah, I know. I thought maybe we were doing it wrong so I Googled the steps.

Yeah, I read that.

Eric! Uh, Sloan, I have Bob Saget in my office. Oh my God.

Am I on speaker? No, but could we, uh, could we talk about this tonight?

Maybe. Maybe?

Yeah, I might be hiding from you tonight.

Okay, I love you. Bye.

Love you.

Were you just talking about ass sex or something?

What can I do for you, Bob? I'll tell you what you can do for me, Eric.

I read a script this morning... a really great script.

A friend gave it to me. I want to do it.

Okay, what is it? I'll get right into it.

I've already gotten into it. Stamos sent it to me.

Jesus.

You sent it to Stamos?

Stamos and I have been trying to do something together since "Full House" ended.

And now you... my manager is trying to keep me from it?

Bob, that is not how it happened. I am perfect for this.

Phil Yagoda thinks so also. You spoke to Phil Yagoda?

Yes, I did. Which means there's no commission in this for you.

And I still may even fire you. I'm weighing my options.

What I need really is a steady respectable job.

Something 9:00 to 5:00, you know?

I need more structure in my life. I'm not following you.

Are you talking about something in sales?

Because I think the intimidation factor could work in your favor or it could be a liability. No no.

I want to do a real TV show. A real one.

Okay... uh... Scripted scripted.

Scripted? Oh, I could see you being like the next detective on like a "CSI," huh? No no.

I want to do the black "Brady Bunch."

I'm trying to rehab my image. I want to dispense some of this worldly wisdom that I picked up on my journey in life.

Then if Bobby doesn't listen to you, you bite his ear off.

It was a joke, Mike. But it wasn't funny, Ari.

Okay? Well...

It just wasn't funny. Listen, I'm going to get into it.

I also have a call into Todd Phillips to make sure he puts you in that "Hangover" sequel.

Hey, Todd Phillips knows not to f*ck me out of that sequel.

I need more money and I need more talking time.

Listen, you got it. I just need one thing from you.

I need a commitment to this agency.

Don't f*ck with me, all right?

Let's not f*ck each other. There we go.

All right, you got it, buddy. Ari, Jessica Simpson's on one.

Ooh, she'd be a hot Carol Brady.

Show me you're working for me. Show me.

Prove all that lip service you've been giving me.

Jess, how are you?

Are you seriously trying to summon me in for a meeting?

What? No. I haven't heard from you in over a year and your assistant said you want me to come in for a meeting.

I would love for you to come in for a meeting.

Ask her. I just want to tell you how sorry I am about the loss of your dog.

That was a year ago! It's still horrible.

And you never called to say sorry.

Jess, I am... I am so... I am so sorry.

It's too late, Ari. I'm going with Lizzie. Go with her where?

CAA?

Jess?

Ask! What do you think about doing a remake of "The Brady Bunch" with Mike Tyson as Mike Brady? You love it?

Okay, that's fantastic. Money in the bank, baby.

Are you nervous? No, because you're coming with me.

Really? Unless you think you'll be bored?

I'm never bored.

Oh good, then you can be my manager for the day.

Does that mean I get to tell you what to do?

You can try, but I don't always listen. Really?

That the shirt you're gonna wear? No good?

I mean, it's cool, but you look a little sloppy for a meeting.

I'll be right back.

I'll k*ll Bob Saget.

No, I'm serious. I will actually k*ll him.

Did you talk to Phil about this?

He's not returning my calls. Then I'll k*ll Phil.

He's probably dealing with the network.

You have to learn to be a little patient, Drama.

Have you at least heard from Stamos? Yes.

He loves it and he would do it with you, but he and Bob are best friends, so what's he supposed to do?

It's not called "show friends," it's called "show business"!

Drama, you need to calm down. No no.

You've got to get up and get angry.

This script was written for me and Bob Saget steals it?!

He's a f*cking dead man.

Drama, where are you going?

To talk to Saget!

Don't do anything stupid. Do I ever?

Eric, Turtle's on the phone.

Put it through.

Hey, what's going on? Are you busy?

Yeah, kind of. What's up? I need a meeting.

With who? With you.

About what? About Vince.

Oh boy, this doesn't sound good.

Don't be so negative. I want to take you for lunch.

Just tell me what's going on. I don't have time for lunch.

Then I'll come there then. Don't come here!

I'll see you in 20. Uh...

It feels like old times.

You want a demotion? Oh, Papa Ari is cranky because he hasn't chased clients in a while.

I'm not cranky. I'm just in the zone.

Hide the dog. He's a puppy, Ari.

Look at the little guy. Hide the dog.

Look who it is... the guy that used to be my agent.

That's not nice. I'm on a tight schedule, so let's make the groveling quick. No groveling.

Just a gift. Ta-da!

What the hell? I know how devastated you were after losing little Daisy, so I thought little Rose here would ease the pain.

You really are an assh*le. I know.

I didn't call. I never called. I don't deal well with death.

Have you ever had a dog, Ari? I-I have one now.

You should know they're not like cars. You don't just replace them.

Look how fluffy she is. Hi, I'm fluffy.

I've been talking to Lizzie. And who? Who's she with?

She seems to get me. She's a teenager.

And you clearly don't. Jess.

And Daisy was a Maltipoo. That's just a poo.

assh*le.

You got her the wrong breed? You gave me 30 minutes.

That's all they had. Idiot.

Can I keep him? I'm already attached.

I always wanted to f*ck the Hulk when I was younger.

Is that weird? Uh, a little.

What about Aquaman? You want to f*ck him?

I liked the sequel better. Pfft.

I'm kidding. Look, the Shocker.

You're gross.

Oh, and you're so innocent. You're sick. You're sick.

You're an innocent girl, huh? You're sick.

Vince, Randall and Stan are ready for you.

We're ready for them.

Yeah...

Vinnie Chase! Hey, Randall.

So good to see you again. You too.

This is Sasha. And this is the man, the myth, the legend, Stan Lee. Hi.

So nice to meet you, Stan. Oh, you as well.

And Sasha... oh, you look familiar.

Well, Sasha just did Steven Soderbergh's "The Girlfriend Experience."

Oh, I didn't see that. What else have you done?

I've done a bunch of stuff. Really? Anything I've seen?

Uh, she's done dozens of independents.

At your age? Boy, that's terrific.

Get down here, Bob, and take your b*ating.

Drama, you're acting insane. Put the bat down.

Yeah, leave him alone. Bob is a good man.

Yeah, a good man who's trying to steal my life!

I didn't steal anything! Oh yeah?

A guy writes a script for me, and you just swoop in and take it?

Now get down here before I start smashing cars!

Please don't hit the Volkswagen! That one is mine.

Who says he wrote it for you?

Roger Jay says.

The writer? I know Roger, Drama.

He told that to everybody.

He gave it to me six months ago. I just never opened it.

Yeah right!

Come inside. We'll call Roger together.

I'll prove it to you. Are you kidding?

My hand to God.

Jesus Christ.

I'll give you a blowjob if it'll make you feel better.

What? I'm just trying to make him feel better.

I've got Sunnin coming in for lunch.

Great kebabs.

I don't want kebabs, Bob.

I want a life.

I'm sorry, Drama.

I really am.

Are you out of your mind? You're not even listening to me.

I heard every word you said, Turtle, not one of which I like.

Why not? Because Vince isn't going to be the face of some tequila company. He's not Aunt Jemima.

You know, I could have just asked him, skipped right over you.

And I appreciate that, but still.

He just gave you 30 grand for your car service.

The car service ain't working.

I'm sorry about that. I know how hard you tried.

Can you at least consider how hard I would try on this?

Okay, I just got off the phone with Randall Wallace.

How'd the meeting go? Not great.

Vince brought Sasha. Come on.

Yeah, and apparently he was drunk. Drunk?

Vince?

I wasn't drunk.

Well, they said you smelled like Mexico.

That's 'cause I had some of Turtle's tequila for breakfast.

But I totally sobered up before I got there.

I'm not dumb enough to go to a meeting drunk, E.

Yeah, but you're dumb enough to bring a p*rn star.

I told you. Stan Lee totally knew who you were.

I know. I saw the moment when he placed me... he turned beet red.

All right, so what did he say? They'd like you for the movie, but they've seen a lot of f*ck-ups in this town and they're concerned, Vince.

E, the truth is I had a Vicodin this morning, which I wouldn't have had if I knew I'd be drinking.

Why'd you take a Vicodin? My back... it's been hurting since the accident.

E, just tell him I'm fine. I'll go back, I'll meet him again.

I told him you were fine. I also told him we needed an offer immediately.

Oooh, I like the aggressive attitude.

All right, I'll talk to you later. Later.

Would you at least try this?

I don't have to be involved? Yes.

I don't know why you're being so aggressive.

I'm just... is Andrew coming back?

Have we not a had a good six months without him?

Just answer the f*cking question.

No, he is not coming back. He is a coke-fiend sex addict who wrote checks out of this company's account to buy hookers.

So no, he will never work here again.

Addiction's a disease. You have no sympathy.

I have sympathy. I'm just trying to help your career.

My career's in great shape.

It's gotten even better since you got here, right?

I like that Lizzie. Well don't, because she's bad news.

If I've gotta have an agent, why can't I have one who's attractive and bright and attractive? You know she's not gonna f*ck you, right?

I'm certain that's not what I meant.

You know she f*cked Andrew? Seriously?

That's what caused his whole spiral.

It wasn't the dr*gs. It was her evil p*ssy that lured him in.

That's why I have no sympathy.

I know, but you're still a douche and I don't need your help getting work or laid.

Where'd she go? She go to UTA?

I'm... I'm sorry. Ari, Jessica Simpson's here.

Right now? Yes, what should I tell her?

Tell her I'll be with her in one second.

I'm glad I'm leaving, that way you don't have to end my meeting early for a pop star.

She acts as well, by the way.

She looks great. She looks perfect.

And she's single. You know what John Mayer said about her.

No, I don't and you're an animal. Sexual napalm.

You love the smell of napalm in the morning.

It smells like victory. All right.

Jessica! You changed your mind.

I'm working on her, Ari. Go.

I can't stop thinking about the dog. I want him.

Come in, come in. I want you to meet someone.

Jessica, this is the great Aaron Sorkin.

Hi, it's really nice to meet you. Nice to meet you too.

I saw the previews for "The Social Network." It looks great.

That's really nice of you to say... and it's actually more than Ari's had to say about it. What are you talking about?

I'm now on Facebook because of you. I got 600 friends.

And John Mayer's not one of them.

How many of those friends actually like you, Ari?

I've set the over-under at none. Wow.

You two play off each other really well.

I say you kids go to dinner and possibly you write something serious for her, like Mariah in "Precious," only she's younger and Southern. It'll be amazing.

I may have a better idea. Are you free? Yeah, absolutely.

I want the dog. I want a commitment from both of you that you will stay with this agency.

For now. Where's the dog?

Lloyd!

Isn't he delicious? Find something else to cook for dinner.

Jessica's taking him. No...

Here we go, honey. Hi.

Huh? Hi.

Perfection. Take a picture, Lloyd.

Take a picture. Look at that.

Any word when he'll be in?

He hasn't checked in. I'm sorry, you really should go.

I got nowhere to be. What are you doing here, Drama?

I'm not doing anything. What are you doing here?

I came here to make sure you didn't do anything stupid.

Phil's not here. Yeah, I know. I spoke to him.

Where is he?

He's been battling with the network all day.

They want Saget.

I wish I could've done more. I'm not mad at you, E.

I'm not even mad at Saget.

It's that piece-of-sh*t writer I want dead.

You just gotta let it go.

I mean, you were too good-looking for that part anyway.

Yeah. What part was that?

Go!

You're too good.

Hey, Turtle. What up?

I gotta say I'm loving this tequila.

We're gonna have to get some more.

That may have been the last case.

Bummer! Why?

What's wrong? Nothing.

E says you had a rough day. Are you okay?

Don't I look okay? Yeah.

I guess you do. Well, good!

Come, drink! Tell us your troubles.

Jesus, what are you doing here?

I saved the most important meeting of the day for last.

Well, you seem happy. I am.

I set out to conquer and I did.

It seems I can still hustle. You haven't sold me yet.

Let me show you how much you mean to me. Maybe I want to hear it.

I... ba... can we do it after? I can't focus.

I still have blue balls from this morning.

You lost your hustle. I love you.

You are the most important person in the world to me.

I'm sorry that I take you for granted.

I owe everything to you and you're beautiful.

Okay, you can tell me more after we're done.

Wow. Mmm.

Please stop ringing.

What are you doing, baby?

I'm giving you a taste of your own medicine.

Hello? Hi, I have Amanda Daniels calling for Ari.

Just a second. Amanda Daniels.

Hello.

Good evening, Ari. Please don't tell me you're the one who picked up the stray Lizzie from the harsh gutter of life.

I couldn't believe someone who's always had such an eye for talent was willing to let her go.

I think your eye has grown cataracts, because as you've seen by the day's events, anyone she wants or has, be it a sitcom actor or a circus freak, I'm going after.

Well, she's going after you too, Ari.

And I'm gonna help her. How's that?

I've been watching Lizzie for a while.

I actually offered her a job six months ago.

She turned me down, said the future looked very bright with you.

I said, okay, perhaps. But in case you're wrong, just keep a journal, write down everything that goes on over there.

So she did. So what?

So I'm going to make your life miserable like you once made mine.

Good night, Ari.

What was that all about? Nothing. Baby, let's go back to us.

Are you angry? Uh-huh.

I think I'll take a rain check.

I've already disappointed enough people today.

We don't have to do this. Don't move.

It says I move, you stay.

I'm staying.

You sure we shouldn't go back and spend a little more time on step one?

Shut up. Sorry.

Is it in? Yes.

You sure? Shhh.

Are you kidding? What?

I just want you to take your time. I don't want to bug you.

Focus.

You're mean.

Ow! Seriously?

You're strangling it! Deal.

We are going to do this. We don't have to.

Don't be a p*ssy.

Ow, m*therf*cker!

Oh my God, I am so sorry. Why did you do that?

Well, you called me a p*ssy.

What are we doing?

I don't know. I like your vag*na. Is that so wrong?

No.

Oh my God, I need another sh*t.

Pour me one too.

Are you sure you're okay?

Uh, no. Here's your phone.

I'll be lying here recovering.

Hey, what's up, Vince? Don't be mad, E.

This doesn't sound good. Turtle did not betray you.

I got it out of him. Are you drunk again?

No no no, it's not drunk. It's like a high.

This tequila's special and...

I want to be involved.

Can we talk about this tomorrow?

There's nothing to talk about, E.

We take care of our own and Turtle is one of ours.

Good night.

You look like I feel.