07x09 - p*rn Scenes from an Italian Restaurant

[bunniefuu]

Aw, come on! I'm serious.

I was the last of my friends to lose their virginity.

Me too. Shut up.

I don't believe it either. It's the truth.

I was very shy and conservative. Then what happened?

Honestly, I started watching a lot of p*rn.

I watched a lot of p*rn too, but I never thought to do one.

Hey, Scott. What?

It's okay. Maybe you were afraid you couldn't perform.

Oh ho ho ho! Touché touché.

And, hey, you two have probably had as much sex as I have.

I don't think so! I don't know, maybe.

Well, maybe. Maybe he has.

Well, maybe. Let's compare notes after dessert.

I'm gonna use the bathroom. Where's the... it's this way.

I can hardly wait.

What? Why did you invite him?

We're having fun. The conversation is lacking a little depth.

So we'll change the subject.

I could bring up the Spanish Inquisition and Scott would turn it into a sexual innuendo.

Sasha, I'm sorry. He called to find out what I was doing, I didn't think. I said come join. I'm sorry.

It's fine. Oh, no it's not.

What... what's wrong?

I just thought it was going to be the two of us.

I need to talk to you about something.

Should I be worried? It's about my movie.

I told you I don't want to talk about that. We need to.

Unless you've decided not to do it, no we don't.

I thought you said you were gonna be supportive?

I am, it's just already a little weird for me and I don't need to discuss you f*cking five random guys.

That's the thing... they're not random.

What do you mean? I got the cast list today and I tried to talk to the producers, but they wouldn't replace him.

Replace who? One of the guys in the g*ng-bang scene.

We used to be engaged.

Yeah!

Nice, Daddy. Sarah, you're up. Get off the phone.

It's family night. Sarah, you're up.

Okay okay. Jeez.

Brat. Why is she so moody?

It's genetic. I'm here, I'm present, I'm suffering.

No phones, BlackBerry's or carrier pigeons.

You're suffering spending time with your family?

Jonah... next time boys' night out.

These girls are annoying. I told you not to invite them.

Hey, Ari.

Sir Richard. I'm seeing you Thursday.

Yes indeed. Virgin Mobile Festival, I got M.I.A. And Jay-Z locked down.

Ahem! Oh, I'm in family mode and I can't talk.

Oh yeah, family mode too, sir.

Yes, well played, sir. I love your family.

Ari! Honey, he has twins. How rare is that?

Family time, we're here. We're focused.

It's your office.

Hello?

I know Ari told me not to call on family night unless it's an emergency and I'm not totally sure this is an emergency...

It's okay, Jake. Just hold for one second, please.

Jake, I told you not to call unless it was important.

It's Amanda Daniels. Amanda Daniels is not important.

She keeps calling. What? Why?

She wants to speak to you. I don't want to speak to her.

Should I tell her that? Tell her I want her to die.

Who do you want to die, Daddy? No one, buddy.

Ari. How about Daddy not taking a call during family time, huh? Blowing off a billionaire.

What do you think Amanda wanted? I don't know.

Who cares? Let's bowl. Daddy!

Come on, we're bowling. Family time.

Phil, I apologize for hanging up on you. I appreciate that, Eric.

But let's move past that. Okay.

I think you and I can agree that dealing with Johnny can put a person on edge.

How does that help us? It doesn't.

I'm in a bind now. The studio wants to know when we can get "Johnny's Bananas" moving and I'm embarrassed to tell them that I may not even be able to deliver.

I'm working on him. Can you just get him over here today and I'll work on him? What are you gonna do?

Look, I just... I just... I wanna convince him!

All right, I'll try, but he hasn't spoken to me in two days.

Over getting him a greenlit show? Yep.

He really is nuts. Wait till you try to renegotiate season three with him. Let's all pray that we get there.

All right, I'll call you if I get him.

Please do. Bye.

Pfft!

Morning, Jennie.

Can you do me a favor... would you try to find Drama?

Uh, Vince is here.

Yo!

Yo. You okay?

Yeah, why? Well, you look like sh*t.

Thanks. I didn't get much sleep.

I tried to call you a few times.

Yeah, I figured I'd come see you.

You're pissed at me. I don't want to get into it.

Look, Vince, I'm sorry, all right?

I like Sasha. I really do.

I didn't mean to insult her. I appreciate that.

So are we good?

Are you gonna get her a part in "Air-Walker"?

I can't do that. Then we're not good.

The studio's gonna bring on a new director today.

I think Ari got Pete Berg to do it.

Are you serious? Yes.

That's awesome. It is, Vince, but the studio's already concerned about you.

I don't want to make things any worse. She's talented, E.

I didn't say she wasn't. Steven Soderbergh thought so.

Why are you so adamant about this?

Because she got an offer on another movie and I'd prefer her to do this.

What movie? I forget the name.

What the... what the f*ck are you looking at?

Are you high? Am I high?

'Cause I need something done and I actually come to the guy who I made millions of dollars for and ask him to do it, I'm high?

f*ck you. I'll handle it myself.

10 meters to go. Nail-biting stuff.

Whoo! It's a new world record!

What do you think? You look adorable.

Not sexy? You'll be sexy when we're chilling by the pool in Mexico, living off our tequila money.

I need money now, Turtle.

Then I hope you're a better waitress than you were a driver.

I'm a better waitress than you are an athlete.

That's because your sexiness distracts me.

Ew. Why don't you two get a room?

Get a job! And your own house.

That's not nice. No, it's not.

It's Carlos. Do I have to pick this up?

Mm-hmm. He's always mean to me.

Pick up. Hey, Carlos.

Why are people from Texas inquiring about my tequila?

What people? Texas people.

I don't like being spied on, Turtle.

Carlos, don't be paranoid. Who have you been talking to?

You told me to find the money. What? When?

You said you wanted to expand and I told you I'd find the money.

I thought that was a joke. Well, it wasn't.

I got in touch with Mark Cuban, the owner of the Dallas Mavericks.

I know who he is. Then get excited

'cause he's gonna give us $5 million so you can build a shiny new factory. Is that what he told you?

No, but I'm hoping that's what he'll tell me.

So get excited! I don't like being left in the dark, Turtle.

If my family business is being discussed, I expect to be the one who's discussing it.

I'm sorry. I'm coming to LA to see you today.

In the meantime I don't want you talking about my company to anyone.

What do you mean? I mean don't talk about me.

Don't talk about my tequila.

Don't even mention the name, not to anyone, do you understand?

Carlos, that... I'll be at your house at 3:00 sharp.

Be waiting.

Pete Berg is very excited.

That's great, Ari. But I'm not gonna lie to you.

He's heard the rumors and he wants to sit down with you and talk.

That's fine. I have a couple of things I want to talk to him about also.

Oh yeah? Like what? A couple casting ideas I got.

Okay, we'll see if we can set up a meeting this week.

See if you can set it up for today.

I don't know if he's available today. Well, call him and find out.

Is E around today? I don't need E there.

I don't know if I'm going to be around today.

I don't need a babysitter, Ari. Are you okay?

Yeah, it's fine. I just want to get things moving.

I can hear that. Okay, call me back.

You got it.

Why am I here?

Because I want you to help me pick out a suit.

You always pick out your own suits and you've done nothing but sit on the phone, which you promised you wouldn't do. Because it was Vince.

It was an exception and I am all yours now, no distractions.

What do you think of the suit? Well, I...

Dana! Dana!

Dana. Hey!

Ari. Good to see you.

You too. What's up? You're in town.

Yeah, for a minute. I got a couple book signings to do.

Well listen, I'm seeing you next week, right?

I was gonna call you.

Why would you call me if I'm gonna see you?

Oh God, I'm an assh*le. Ari, I didn't want you to be my agent.

I wanted to be involved with the NFL team.

Involved how?

Good seats for one. Done.

And then I was, you know, hoping it would help promote my scholarship foundation, so... but since you're not involved, I figure, why...

Listen, you can be as involved as you want to be.

Ari, I am involved... through Amanda Daniels now that she's bringing in the team.

Where'd you hear that? I met with her yesterday.

I'm sorry, man. I gotta go, okay?

I'll catch up.

Look, animation isn't that bad, you know?

I mean, you work an hour a week and you still get time to audition for shows whenever you want.

I had a friend that did it. Did he get any other parts?

No, but he didn't have any talent. And you think I do?

I watch "Viking Quest" reruns on Spike.

Really? And you like them?

I'm freaky, but yeah, I love them.

Where's that accent from? You Canadian or something?

I'm British. I knew it was somewhere smart.

The smartest. Hey look, Jennie, would you mind reading Billy's treatment and taking a look at the monkey drawings?

Yeah, I'd love to.

Then maybe I could come in and we could chat about it.

Of course. But do me a favor, let me know when E's not in the office because I don't want to see him right now.

Uh, yeah, you've got it. Bye for now.

Bye.

What the f*ck did she look like again?

Okay well, he's coming in, but he doesn't want to see you.

So what am I supposed to do?

Go meet Vince and Pete Berg.

All right, I'll go.

See you later. Bye.

Hey, are we still not talking? Go f*ck yourself.

You wanna email me that so I don't forget it?

I love it. It's really good.

Yeah. I got Mark Cuban thinking about investing in it.

Really? Maybe I'll invest too.

Yeah?

Yeah, but you better not lose my money, man.

Because I'll k*ll you, Turtle. And Cuban too.

I'm serious. You don't want that, Turtle.

Calm down, Bri. Turtle, what are you doing?

What? Carlos told you not to talk about this.

I got nothing else to talk about.

Turtle, that's your girl?

Yeah. She's good.

Hello? Turtle, Kenny Austin.

Hey, Ken. It's Cuban's guy.

Zzzt!

How are you? Great, thanks.

Please thank Mark again for the other night.

Why don't you thank him yourself in person?

He would love for you and Alex to come out this weekend.

Wow, we'd love that.

In the meantime, let's talk tequila.

Okay. We did some research and Mark and I are impressed with the company.

That's great. So I wanted to run some things by you regarding how we can get involved. Uh-huh.

How come I feel like I'm talking to a wall?

You're not. I'm listening. But you're not speaking.

I'm sorry. I spoke to Carlos this morning and he prefers to speak on behalf of Avión himself.

I'll speak to whoever I need to speak to.

I'm meeting him today at 3:00.

I could talk to him and get him to meet you.

You know, we just left San Fran.

So how about Mark and I come by and we all talk together?

Uh...

Text me the address and we'll see you there.

Okay.

Where's Amanda? She's on a plane from Dallas.

Is she meeting with Jerry Jones? Ari, I don't know.

Is she coming back here? At some point.

All right, I'm gonna wait for her. Ari, you can't wait in there.

Call the f*cking cops.

Yeah, it's funny when you read it with your accent.

No, it's just funny. He's a gorilla.

Yeah, but he's a cute gorilla.

Yeah, he does kinda look like me.

Doesn't he?

Something else is going on with you. What do you mean?

I can hear it in your voice.

You don't even know me.

You're right. I'm sorry.

It's just so humiliating.

What is? I thought I was past selling myself out.

This isn't selling yourself out. This is good.

And you're going to be great in it. Can't you see that?

To be honest with you, when they first showed it to me, I thought they were making fun of me.

I was embarrassed and then I couldn't turn back.

You can and nobody is making fun of you.

But this could be a life changer.

You think? Look, take the meeting with Phil, and if you still don't like what he has to say, then tell him to f*ck off.

Yeah, okay.

Yeah.

Hey, guys, sorry I'm late.

Uh...

Pete, this is my manager Eric who's supposed to be out of town today.

I'm not, I'm here. So what's going on?

I was just about to tell Pete that out of all the meetings I've had on this, it is so refreshing to have someone with ideas for a change.

Don't kiss my ass, Vince. I'm sorry.

I got Ari and this guy in my head telling me to watch myself.

I don't care about the rumors. I care about making a movie.

Me too. You have nothing to worry about.

Nothing at all, Pete. Yeah, I know.

'Cause, see, I don't really care if you marry three p*rn stars.

Marry a call girl. Marry some dude whose sole job is to get you heroin.

I don't care, just show up ready to work, on time.

All right. If you don't, I will kick the sh*t out of you.

There's no reason to make threats. It's not a thr*at, it's a fact.

I'll kick the sh*t out of you too. Don't f*ck around.

It's not gonna be a problem. Good.

Okay, well then...

Wait. I have one idea I'd like to run by Pete.

You know I'm dating Sasha Grey, right? I heard.

She's talented. I've seen her work.

I saw her in the Soderbergh thing and what was the other movie? The...

"Smash Cut." "Smash Cut."

She actually wasn't horrible in "Smash Cut." I saw it.

Do you think you could use her in this?

I... I hate working with couples. I think that's a huge mistake.

I think it's a terrible idea too. We're thrilled you're on board, Pete.

It's just a suggestion. She'll read if you need her to.

Vince, you serious? We have great chemistry.

I'll tell you what we could do. She could, um... uh, Jim Logan's secretary, right?

I mean, kinda the Lois Lane thing. Exactly.

Maybe a small part. Yes!

If there's a sequel, she kills. How about that?

All right? That work for you? That's perfect.

All right, okay. Thank you.

Carlos, so happy to see you.

The feeling's not mutual.

You know my attorney Edgar Munez?

Ah, thought he was your hit man.

He's both.

Are you gonna invite us in?

I am, I am. Come in, come in.

I have a little surprise for you too. As I have for you.

Edgar has prepared a non-disclosure agreement which legally binds you from discussing my company.

I already agreed not to discuss it. I know, but this makes it legal and if you don't sign it, Edgar will break your legs.

Okay yeah, I'll sign. But first I got someone I want you to meet who you can discuss the company with. What?

Carlos, this is Mark Cuban and his business partners Ken Austin and Kevin Shaw. Pleasure.

I love your tequila, sir. Great to meet you.

What is this, an ambush? We thought just a pleasant meeting.

Unless you're prepared to give me $5 million to build my new factory, it won't be.

Oh, I'm prepared. In fact, we'd like to contribute even more.

Kevin, show him the bottle. What is this?

I had this specially designed. This is hot.

That's to show you how we're going to bring your company to the States with a bang.

Did you know about this? No.

But I do like it. My father designed the original bottle with his own hands. Did you know that?

No. We meant no disrespect, Carlos.

The original is beautiful. We just thought this was an updated version.

It's sh*t.

Now do you have $5 million for me or not?

Yeah, but we thought we'd discuss terms.

The terms are my terms or no terms.

What if I just bought your f*cking company?

It's not for sale. Yes it is.

Go to hell. Hey.

I'll call you, Turtle.

Jesus Christ, Turtle. What the hell was that, Carlos?

Jesus f*cking Christ! What are you so upset about?

I'm upset because I don't want to sell my company, not for any price!

You don't have to sell it. This is my family's company, Turtle.

I have a brother. An older brother who doesn't give a sh*t about the business and has wanted to sell it for years.

Now it's only a matter of time before your billionaire friend tracks him down.

Don't you have to agree? No I don't.

He's the eldest son. My father gave him more shares than he gave to me.

So what does this mean? It means that you may have just lost me Avión.

Hey. Are you on your way? I'm sitting here.

Absolutely, baby. Have you not left your office yet?

Yeah, I... I've... I'm stuck in traffic. I'll be there in five.

Okay, and leave your phone in the car. You got it, baby.

Ari Gold's office.

Meet me in front of Wolfgang's right now! You got it.

I've been waiting for 15 minutes.

Don't take it personally. Personally?

They want me to be the star of this show yet Phil keeps me sitting around like a jerkoff?

I'd like to see him make Simon Cowell wait around like this.

Phil's probably in another meeting. Well, he shouldn't be.

Hang on, hang on.

Excuse me, could you check and see when Phil might be ready to see me?

'Cause I have another meeting after this. Sure.

What was your name again? Are you kidding me?

Did you hear that? Why won't they treat me right?

They will and they are. It doesn't feel that way to me.

Johnny. What?

Take a deep breath. I can't. I can't even breathe right now.

Why are you freaking out? I didn't tell you earlier, but my condo's being foreclosed on.

Nobody knows. Not even Vince.

Johnny, I'm so sorry.

Naw, it's my own fault. I overextended myself again.

Look, you're about to be the star of your own show.

Just trust me. I do.

Call me after, okay? I will.

Hey, Jennie? Yeah?

Thanks.

You're welcome. Bye.

Bye.

Hey, Johnny, sorry for the wait.

It took a little longer than I thought to set up, but I am ready for you right now in the conference room.

You know what, Phil? We don't need to meet.

It's good. Make the deal.

I'm in. Later.

Let's wrap all of this.

He's in.

Why are you drinking so much? Crazy week, that's all.

Bad meeting? She didn't even show.

And you're stressed you don't have your BlackBerry.

You try going without a hair blowout for a week. It's an adjustment.

Well, that's what we usually look like.

No no, he's ugly.

Well well well, looky here.

There he is. How are you?

Hi, Vince. I don't believe you've met my girlfriend.

No. Hi, I'm Sasha.

Hello, Sasha. You're throwing out the first pitch at my kid's Little League game, right?

I'll be there. Wouldn't miss it. The kids are so excited.

Me too. Ah, looks like this is the place to be tonight.

Who's here? My ex.

Have a good dinner. Night.

Vince doesn't look that great. Yeah, I don't feel that great.

I gotta go to the bathroom.

You just went to the bathroom. That was two Scotches ago.

Are you carrying your BlackBerry?

I swear on our children's lives I have no BlackBerry on my person.

Okay. All right.

...very unique opportunity here.

Ari.

I was gonna call you in the morning.

I wanna talk to you right now.

Well... Ari Gold!

Yeah? It's your waiter.

Your wife asked me to make sure you weren't up to no good in here.

Appreciate that. Coming out.

Oooh, Pete Berg, he's sexy.

Well, you can't f*ck him.

He's a big fan of your work though. Who isn't?

So you think you can play a secretary? What do you mean?

'Cause Berg thinks you can. And he says this could be a major part in the sequel.

Oh my God, this is amazing, Vince.

So you want to do it? Yeah.

Oh, I'm so relieved. Why?

Well, now we can spend three weeks together doing a movie and I don't have to watch you taking it from your ex on film.

When does this sh**t? I don't know.

But you wouldn't do both.

Why not? Because you said you wouldn't.

I never said that. Yeah, you did.

We were talking about what superpowers you wanted.

I was joking. Did you force him to put me into this movie so I wouldn't do mine?

I didn't force anything. Pete wants you in it and I don't want to watch you f*cking other dudes.

I thought this was settled. So did I.

I can't handle this.

What's the problem? I love you.

What?

Forget it. Jesus Christ.

Sasha...

Sasha!

Sasha. What, Vince?

I'm sorry. Don't back down now.

You said what you meant, be a man and own up to it.

Okay, I love you.

It sounds more like you're trying to control me.

I'm not trying to control you.

I've taken care of myself since I was 14.

I don't need you to f*cking pretend like you love me.

I'm not pretending. You wanna f*ck me?

I... I don't want to share you.

You wanna mark your territory? Yeah.

Do it. Do it.

You know, slow down, Ari.

That is the woman who is attempting to destroy my life.

And let it go right now. Never.

This is not very pleasant.

Get used to it. It's gonna get worse.

Jesus, Ari... okay.

Calm down. Stay calm.

Hello, you must be Ari's wife.

And you must be the one that sent the tapes of my husband.

I'd like to explain that actually. Walk away, Amanda.

But you just called me and said you wanted to talk.

What... he just called you?

Yes, and then he hung up on me. Just walk the f*ck away.

It must have been from the bathroom. Okay look, I'm sitting here with my husband trying to have a nice meal.

Perhaps the two of you could speak tomorrow?

Absolutely. Understood.

I'm sorry to disturb you. You're sorry? You're sorry for what?

You're sorry for leaking slanderous, out-of-context nonsense... Sit down, Ari.

About me, huh? And then rifling through all my hard work to steal my football team? Lower your voice.

f*ck you, okay? f*ck you. Ari!

No, hold on a second. I've never hit a woman in my entire life, but I swear to God, in my mind right now I am pummeling your smug face to a pulp for everything that you did to me, my career and my family. But not to worry, all right?

Because I will prevail because I'm a winner and you're a whore with more cleavage than talent.

And I will not stop until I destroy you!

Mr. Gold, I have to insist that you leave.

Excellent choice, because I have a life to destroy.

You just did... beautifully, I might add.

Because all I wanted to tell you... Yeah?

Was that I didn't send the tapes. I discovered that my assistant, now ex-assistant took it upon himself to do so.

See, he worked for you once upon a time and he had his own vengeance in mind.

And as for the NFL, I've been trying to contact you, call you, email you, to get you back involved, but I guess you were too distracted thinking about, I don't know, my cleavage to think that I actually had something to offer you.

See, they and I thought despite all that had happened that you could still be an asset to us.

I don't anymore.

Let's get out of here, baby. I'll meet you at home.

Let's get... I will meet you at home!

I'm sorry about that.

What about a vodka company?

We don't want a vodka company, Turtle.

Or a water company? Wahlberg's got one.

We convince him to sell, make him the spokesperson.

We don't want water.

What about Marilyn Manson's Mansinthe?

Turtle, do you know that Texas shares an 840-mile border with Mexico?

No, I didn't know that.

Well, it does. So I don't want water.

I don't want vodka. I want tequila.

I want to make it the official drink of the Mavs.

Well?

He wants to make Avión the official drink of the Mavs.

No wonder! This stuff is great. And I know hard liquor.

You got any more? Check the cabinets.

You should make a banana-flavored version and make it the official drink of my show.

We could all benefit. You don't flavor tequila, Drama.

Plus the deal's not done yet and I'm pretty sure I'd be the one who'd stand to benefit from such things.

I don't know, Billy. Stars rule, baby.

Your agency rules. Don't f*ck with us, Billy.

You hear him? Agencies rule?

You're too funny, Lloyd.

I couldn't find the tequila, but I did find this.

What the f*ck is that? Well, it ain't baking soda, bro.

Sweet Jesus.