07x06 - Excited and Scared

[bunniefuu]

Previously on Desperate Housewives.

Bree's romance warmed up.

Oh, my!

You have no right
to give Grace expensive gifts.

Gabby grew closer
to her biological daughter.

I want you to have it.
You deserve beautiful things.

Lynette finally got a nanny.

-Tommy!
-Mom!

But there was a catch.

Susan added to her teaching income

a secret job
that made her vulnerable...

It would be unfortunate if anyone
were to find out what I already know.

...to blackmail.

Imagine what
your husband would think.

Paul Young was a frustrated man.

He'd been living with his wife
for over two months,

but she still refused
to sleep with him.

He'd tried everything he could think
of to put her in the mood.

Expensive jewelry.

Second glasses of wine.

Instructional videos.

But, sadly, his wife's response
was never what he'd hoped for.

So Paul decided to get help

from someone sure to sympathize
with his situation...

Hi, I'm Dr. Gable.

...another man.

Should we get this session started?

So when you married Paul,

it didn't occur to you he might
be released from prison someday?

Not really.

So you were content to marry a man
you could never truly be with?

I just wanted
someone to care about me.

I wasn't really interested
in all that other stuff.

"Stuff"?

Meaning, sex?

Do you not like sex?

I'm not sure exactly.

I'm a virgin.

Oh, come on.

It's true.

You're 30 years old!

I was saving myself for marriage.

Good news. You are married!

Time to take the lid
off the cookie jar.

Stop calling it that!

Give me a cookie and I will.

Okay. Okay.
Let's take a step back here.

This is clearly an unusual situation.

The two of you never got to know
each other in any traditional sense.

My suggestion?

Start dating.

You want me to date my wife?

Yes. Court her.

Take Beth out
to some nice restaurants.

Give her a chance to know you

so she can develop
normal, romantic feelings.

In time, I'm sure she'll want
nothing more than to share your bed.

I wouldn't mind
going to some nice restaurants.

Fine.

Yes, Paul Young was frustrated.

But even frustrated men...

FYI, until I get some action,
it'll be Dutch treat.

...have their pride.

It was that time of year
when people find out

what they're afraid of.

For some,
it's the monster in the bushes.

For others,
it's the spider in their hair.

For a few,
it's the vampire in the driveway.

Yes, Halloween had, once again,
come to Wisteria Lane.

And the only thing
that frightened one woman

was that she might not
be the center of attention.

I'm having a party
and you all have to come.

Did you knock?

Doug and I had Halloween parties
every year in New York

and I figured just because
I'm in Fairview now,

doesn't mean I can't carry
on the tradition.

Even though the food's not as good

and the company
is far less interesting.

Well, who can turn down
an invitation like that?

Well, Grace is sleeping over
that night,

but we can swing by
after we're done trick-or-treating

and show you their costumes.

Juanita's going as a puppy this year.

She's gonna look so cute.

Yeah. See this?

The tricycle with a line through it?
What does that mean?

No kids. They always get underfoot,

they eat all the candy

and you can't swear
in front of the little bastards.

Well, I'll come if I can bring Keith.

I guess one child will be okay.

I'm sorry to interrupt. Lynette...

Yeah.

Did you buy me
my China Pearl hand cream?

I don't remember you asking me to,

but I guess I could go
after we're done eating.

All right.
It's just that my hands are so dry

they're starting to cr*ck and bleed.

Okay, I'll go now.

I'll see you guys later.

Just make sure
that you wake up Paige at 3:00.

'Cause if she sleeps any longer,
she'll be up all night.

All right, dear.

Okay.

Oh!

-A party!
-No.

As websites go,
it's not that popular.

Just in Asia and parts of Europe.

And you can see that
there's no nudity.

I was just cleaning,

in my underwear.

Look, Mike, I know
that you must be angry.

If you want to yell, yell.
Let me have it.

Say something, please.

I should've taken that job in Alaska.

What?

If I had done a better job
taking care of this family,

you wouldn't have had
to resort to this.

No, no, this is not your fault.

It was my stupid mistake.

I thought I could make some
easy money and no one would know.

I am so sorry.

Why did you decide to tell me?

Did somebody see you?

Paul Young.

Oh, God.

And he's, sort of, blackmailing me.

He said if we don't sell him our
house, he was gonna tell you.

But I told you,
so it doesn't matter and...

What are you doing?

What do you think?

No, no, no. Don't be angry.
This was good.

I'm not lying to you now.

When you think about it,
Paul did us a favor!

Look! No, no! Look, look, look!
We're closer than ever!

Susan, get off of me.

v*olence isn't the answer.

We can't let him get away with this.

We won't.

I have an idea
how to get him to back off.

I'm listening.

I can't wait to go trick-or-treating
with you.

This is what I'm going to use
to hold all my candy.

That's not going to cut it
in my neighborhood.

Last year,
I filled up two pillowcases.

Where'd you get this?

Why?

This is my mom's.

No, it's not.
This was a gift from my aunt.

Oh!

Okay.

Girls, come on, Mrs. Solis is here.

Hi, sweetie.

You and Grace have a good time?

It was okay.

What are you smiling about?

I found out something
about Grace today.

She's a thief.

What...

What are you doing with that?

She stole your necklace,
so I stole it back.

No, no, no.

I mean, that's very sweet of you,
but Grace didn't steal this.

I gave it to her as a present.

Why?

Because I felt sorry for her.

You know, her family is poor
and we have so much.

Aunt Rosie's poor and you always
hide your jewelry box

when she comes over.

Yeah, well, Grace isn't a klepto
with a meth habit.

So, do you want me to give it back?

No. I'll take care of it.

But now that I know
you're good at getting things back,

next time we're at Aunt Rosie's,
I am missing gold earrings.

Ah!

Here you go,
your China Pearl hand cream.

Thank you, dear.

I just used my last jar.

You're welcome.
So, how did it go with the baby?

And on a related note,
where is the baby?

Upstairs in the crib.

What? She's still asleep?

Yes, bless her heart.

I had time to mend
all of Rodney's old sweaters.

Tom's sweaters

and I asked you and you said
you would wake her at 3:00.

That's ridiculous. I would never
agree to wake a sleeping baby.

She's been down
for almost four hours.

Damn it!
She's going to be up all night.

You stop yelling at me!

-I'm not yelling at you!
-Yes, you are!

You're angry and you're saying
it's my fault and it isn't!

You're a liar!

Susan. Hello.

What's this?

A peace offering.

-A what?
-Paul...

We need to move past the past.

You've been a really good tenant
and I appreciate that.

You never complain, you're
never late with the rent check.

In fact, you're usually early.
Who does that?

I'm just so lucky that... Oh, dear.

What?

Is that a thumbtack on the wall?

Well, I tried willing the calendar
to stay up,

but it just wouldn't cooperate.

But, Paul, that is a clear violation
of your lease agreement.

Which I happen to have

right here.

See? Page two.

"Strictly no alterations."

So,

it appears you have 60 days
to vacate the premises.

But good news, I think you'll be
getting most of your deposit back.

I'll just need to deduct the cost
of repairing the thumbtack hole.

Very clever, Susan,

but do you really think you're in
a position to be making such demands?

Why don't we just agree to overlook
this slight lease infraction

before I call your husband

and let him know about
his wife's little cleaning fetish.

He knows, Paul.

I told him everything.

Including the part
where you tried to blackmail me.

He wasn't happy.

See this?

This is what
I had to pry out of his hand

so you wouldn't need a paramedic
to pry it out of your skull.

Allow me to demonstrate.

This is you.

This is you if you tell anyone
and Mike finds out.

I understand.

Don't forget, 60 days.

And enjoy those raisin muffins.

At least I hope they're all raisins.
My apartment has rats.

I can't believe you're finally
going to see my apartment.

Me either.
But, as you said, we need to

get to know each other better.

So here goes.

-Oh, my God.
-What's wrong?

You have to understand,
I had this whole frozen smile ready.

I was expecting a bachelor pad.

You know, pizza boxes,
dirty underwear, neon beer clock,

but look at this place!

It's tastefully decorated
and smells...

Oh, my. Is that potpourri?

I just switched to the autumn blend.

Take me. Right now. On the table.

Should I use a placemat?

Hello.

That is Mimi. My roommate.

See you.

Well, it looks like that frozen smile
came in handy after all.

I have to say,
you do keep me on my toes.

This is an unexpected spot
for a first date.

Well, I know it sounds corny,

but you take a girl
to a haunted house

and she'll probably
want to grab onto you.

Hey, that pumpkin bread
looks pretty good.

Why don't you
get us a couple of slices?

Sure.

So, are you an Oakridge parent?

Oh, yes, we love the school.

Are you thinking
of sending your child there?

I don't think so. My family values
are quite traditional.

I happened to hear some information

about the after-school activities
of one of the teachers

and let's just say, it was troubling.

What kind of information?

Are you familiar with a Mrs. Delfino?

Go to sleep

Go to sleep

This is all Grandma's fault

Go to sleep

Go to sleep

Why can't she put her things away?

You okay?

What time is it?

4:12. I'm sorry to wake you up,

but I am worried about your mom.
I don't think she's all there.

You woke me up at 4:00 a.m.
to bitch about my mom?

You couldn't do that
during business hours?

No, listen,
she sent me out to buy hand cream

when she already had 10 jars.

She forgot to wake up the baby...

She's older. She forgets some things.

No, she also
has these intense mood swings.

I mean, today she almost
took my head off, for no reason.

And then she looked like
she was going to burst into tears.

She's away from home,
she isn't used to all this chaos.

Okay, I get it.

She's your mom and you love her

and you can look for an excuse
for every one of these things,

but I think
there's more going on here

than just her
being a little forgetful.

Your light's on.

Hey, Mom.

How are you doing?

You okay?

Yes. Why do you ask?
Is something wrong?

You just seem a little

scattered lately.

Have you noticed that?

There's my little worrywart.

Remember when you were
at Camp Kickapoo?

You were sure Hurricane Belle
had k*lled us all

even though it was
off the coast of Georgia.

And that mean counselor, Bob,
wouldn't let me call you.

His name was Andy.

My God, you're right.

And you did call.

You even made me
put the dog on the phone.

Which you did.

No, I just barked a couple of times.

Sparky was asleep.

I better go get dressed.

I told Penny
I'd help her with her costume.

Okay, did you see that?

She's remembering things
that I don't even remember.

Yeah, but it's 9:00 in the morning,
and...

And what?

I've been doing a little research

and there is this thing
called sundowning.

A lot of people with dementia
don't show signs in the day.

It's only at night they get confused.

Did you not just hear her?

My mother is not senile.

Let's be honest,

you've been trying to get her out of
this house ever since she walked in.

You think this is a tactic?

The other day she made tea,
then left the stove on for an hour.

There has been
a lot of stuff like that

and I'm starting to get worried.

Maybe we should
take her to the doctor.

No.

-Tom...
-No.

Until we know what's going on,

I don't feel comfortable
with her watching the baby.

There is nothing wrong
with my mother, okay?

So just drop it!

Morning.

Do you want something to eat?
Or some tea?

Tea would be lovely.

How do you take it?

With an explanation.

I'm sorry. Keith didn't tell me
that he had a female roommate.

And, yes, he said you two
never slept together.

Well, except for those two times...

What? We never had sex.

That's really what he said.

I just needed to see your reaction
to know that it was true.

Nicely done.

Thank you.

By the way, you don't need to worry
about other women.

The guy never stops
talking about you.

Oh! That's good to hear.

Well, I'm gonna grab a shower.
Here's your tea.

Water will be ready in a minute.

And when Keith wakes up,
could you just give him his mail?

Sure.

I know you didn't come to deliver
your RSVP in person.

What's up?

Well, I need to ask you something.

In the time that you
and Keith spent together,

did you ever have the sense
that he might be...

Into bony old white ladies?
Definitely.

No. What I was wondering is,

have you ever gotten the vibe
that he might be a little

crazy?

Uh, well, let me think...

Our first date was cut short when you
sabotaged your own sprinkler system.

Our second was derailed when you
terrorized me with a little person.

No, I think the vibe I picked up
is you're crazy.

Renee, you're not being very helpful.

Fine.

You want to tell me
what this is about?

I'm trying to find out
if he's dangerous.

I recently discovered that
he's on probation for as*ault.

That.

You know about it?

Yeah. It happened at that bar
where I met him.

About a year ago
he brought his girlfriend there,

some guy started hitting on her,
so Keith flattened him.

Keith told you that?

No, the bartender did.

I always check out the guys
before I bring them home.

I don't want to end up handcuffed
to my bed for three days.

Again.

So, Keith was defending
his girlfriend?

Well, it's nice to know
that chivalry isn't dead.

But there is another way
to find out if he's violent.

How?

Well, start a fight with him.
If he slugs you, he's violent.

Whoever left you handcuffed
to the bed for three days,

he has my respect.

Now, Grace, this is the first time
I've made a costume,

so if you hate it, just tell me.

I love it.

I've never had
such a pretty costume before.

Thank you,
you're the coolest mom, ever.

Look, Mommy.

You're adorable.

Grace.

You look beautiful.

Like a real princess.

I feel like one.

Well, you know
what every princess needs?

Look, I can also wag my tail.

Okay. Hang on, sweetie.

Now, once I put this on,
I'm gonna style your hair around it.

Okay.

Can you style my hair?

But, sweetie, it doesn't even show.

But I am going to go over you
with a lint roller.

I want to be a princess.

What? All you've talked about
for the last four months

is how much you wanted to go
as a dog.

I changed my mind.

Well, I'm sorry.

You're either going as a dog
or a little Mexican girl.

And in this neighborhood,

we both know
which one's getting more candy.

Let's go to the mirror, sweetie.

-Okay.
-Okay.

So your pumpkin can have
a happy face or a scary face...

Miss Delfino...

Principal Hobson would like to see you.
He seems upset about something.

There you are. Your son's been waiting
four million years to go trick-or-treating.

Me want candy.

Okay, sweetie. Why don't you go get
your tennis shoes on and we'll go.

What's with the box?

You okay?

I got fired.

What?

They found out about the website.

Paul.

This time I'm gonna k*ll him
and you're not stopping me.

Mike, no. It wasn't him.

One of the moms called the school.

Probably caught her husband
watching it or something.

So, what are we gonna do?

We can't make it
on what I'm bringing in.

I'll find another job.

I'll...

You'll what?

What are you doing?

I'm calling Tommy Glenn in Alaska.
He said whenever I was ready.

No Alaska.
You'll be gone three months.

You can't do that to MJ.

Do what? Make an honest living?

How much thought did you give MJ

when you were dancing around
in your underwear?

Please don't say that.

And now one of the moms
at the school knows.

So there's a pretty good chance
he's going to hear about it.

No, Susan, you don't get to make
the decisions

about what's best
for this family anymore.

I do.

Take MJ trick-or-treating.

I'm going to make this phone call.

I had a lovely time
at dinner tonight.

It was nice to hear all
those stories about your childhood.

It was nice telling them.

Those were happy days.

I liked remembering them.

Can I give you an odd compliment?

When you talk about the past,
it changes how you look.

You're not so

intimidating.

Well, that is an odd compliment.

But I appreciate it.

What are you doing?

I was responding to what I thought
was a signal from you.

I wasn't signaling for you to try
to jam your tongue down my throat.

Beth,

I'm not some kind of animal
trying to satisfy its urges.

If I was, I could've gone to a bar
or any street corner weeks ago.

Then what do you want?

I want to connect with you.
To have a real marriage.

And, yes, sex is part of that.
But there's more.

With what I've been through,
I need a partner by my side.

Someone that I can trust.

I think you can be that person.

The question is,

do you?

I want you gone
by the end of the week.

Trick or treat!

Hi!

Trick or treat!

Here you go.

Happy Halloween.

Welcome. Welcome.

Renee, I love your costume.

Who you suppose to be?

Michelle Obama! Cool.

Clearly he's come
as one of Hell's Idiots.

It looks like
we're gonna run out of candy.

I think I'd better head to the store.

No, we are veterans
at the candy game, Mom.

We've got loads of backup
in the cupboard.

Plus, I always keep a stash
in my golf bag.

You and your sweet tooth.

More customers.

Okay, don't forget to say,
"Thank you."

And Celia, stop mooing.
You're a cat, remember?

Trick or treat!

How precious!

You're Tom's mother, right?
I'm Gabby. We met the other day.

Of course. And this must be
your beautiful little princess.

You're as pretty as your mommy,
aren't you?

No. No, my daughter's a dog.
The dog. That dog.

It's cheaper than therapy.

Oh, dear. We're running out of candy.

I should take
a little walk to the store.

I think we have more somewhere.

Don't you worry.
Grandma's gonna take care of it.

Son of a bitch.

Hey,

thanks for cheering for me
at the big game today.

My pleasure. Go team!

And since I scored
the winning touchdown,

don't I get a kiss or something?

I'm afraid not. I'm already going
to the prom with someone else.

So? He doesn't have to know.

Come on. One kiss.

All right, our little skit is over.

Hey, you're not getting rid of me
that easy.

Really. Keith?

Could you come here for a second?

Hey, you guys look great together.

Well, I was actually just asking
this gentleman to leave me alone.

But he doesn't seem to be getting it.

That true? You bothering her?

No. It's the costume thing.

We were just fooling around.

Thank you. That was very gallant.
Not to mention, sexy.

You know, no one has ever
defended me like that before.

Orson once threw
half a diet soda at a man,

but we were in a moving vehicle,
so I don't...

Keith?

Oh, dear.

Look, like I said,
I was just having some fun.

By being a jackass?

You need to apologize
to my girlfriend.

Fine. Sorry.

Apology accepted. Let's go.

Hold on a second. Try that again.
And this time mean it.

Or you'll do what?

Keith! Keith! Please!

Hey! Hey!

Stop it. Stop it. Keith! Keith!

Keith! What happened in there?

An idiot pushed my buttons
and I went off. Wasn't it obvious?

Well, why are you yelling at me?

Because it's who I am.

I've been arrested for this before.

You know, I kept trying to convince
myself that it wasn't a problem,

until the second time that I got
arrested, then I realized it was.

So, feel free to break up with me,
'cause you know you want to.

I don't want to break up with you.

Come on.

You can't be with a guy like me.
Not the way that you are.

With your controlled smile, and your
perfect house and your perfect lawn.

You want to talk about
my perfect lawn?

Nine years ago, my son found me
face-down drunk on it.

That's true. He had to turn
the sprinklers on to wake me up.

Did you not know you were dating
the biggest lush in Fairview?

No, I didn't.

We all have baggage.

And you and I have reached that point
where we get to see

what the other has been
carrying around all these years.

Anything else you've been hiding?

No.

You've pretty much seen me
at my worst.

Well, I don't think I've seen
anything that I can't handle.

How about you?

Do you think you can deal with
a control freak with a drinking problem?

And there goes the thumb.

Yeah, so much for hitchhiking.

Hey, Mom. You got that?

Grandma's not back yet.

Back from where?

She walked to the store
to get more candy.

What?

Hey, guys, will you listen
for the baby?

I will be back as soon as I can.

Is Grandma okay?

She's...

Yes, it's just a little late for her
to be out by herself.

I'll be right back.

Yeah.

Wow! I can't believe
I got so much candy.

You deserve every piece, Grace.

You worked that sidewalk
like a Milan runway.

How did you get
so much of this in your fur?

This is why cats do not chew gum.

Here, you said you liked peppermint.

That is so thoughtful. Thank you.

Okay, I've got to give Celia a bath.
You two go easy on the candy.

Oh, gosh.
I can't get this out of my hair.

Mrs. Solis?

That's all right. We don't need her.

I'll take care of it.

Okay, let's try this one more time.
What does a cat say?

Oink.

Boy, I really hope you marry well.

She was having a problem. I fixed it.

Really? You're not just saying that?

No, Lee. You are
a much prettier Marilyn than she is.

JFK would be all over that.

Hang on.

Hey, Carlos. What's up?

I...

Okay, I will be...
I will be right there.

sh**t!

It's me.

Lynette?

Yeah.

Oh, thank God!

It's all right,
it's gonna be all right.

I was walking. I...

I must've got turned around.

I made it
up to Claire Graham's place,

but the lights were out.

There is no
Claire Graham on this street.

There most certainly is! She lives...

Let's just... Let's go home.

You let go of me.

You're doing this to me.
You're making me feel crazy.

Allison.

I said let go.

I'm so sorry, dear.

I don't know where my head is.

I've never done that before.

Tell her, Tommy.

It's okay, Mom.

I'm here.

Mama, that is what he said.

"I want you gone."

Those were his exact words.

I am. I...

I am trying to make it work, I swear.
I do everything he asks of me.

Maybe, I should come home.

Yes, I know I made a commitment,
but I am so unhappy.

Of course
I want you to be proud of me.

Okay...

I will.

I'll try.

Bye, Mama.

Susan!
Hang on, I need to talk to you.

Stiletto heels, why do you hate me?

What's up?

Paul Young wanted me to ask again

if you had any interest
in selling your place.

No. He knows that.

In fact, he's vacating our house
in 60 days.

Well, he insisted I check again.

He said your circumstances
had recently changed, and...

Wait.

When did he say that, exactly?

This morning.

Can you take MJ
to Mrs. McCluskey's for me?

Sure.

Sweetie. Mommy's gonna hold that
for you.

Susan?

You bastard!

Susan, what the hell are you doing?

When you moved here,

I tried to give you
the benefit of the doubt!

But you're evil!

Well, guess what?

Benefit of the doubt is over!

Trick or treat!

He's out of candy!

You know what,
I'm glad I didn't let Mike do this,

'cause I'm really enjoying it.

Get away from him.

Beth, you don't know what he's done.

I don't care.

He's my husband.

Now, get out of this house.

Thank you.

Are you okay?

Yeah.

Thank you.

Well, I hope you're happy.

Mrs. Sanchez was furious

when she saw
what you did to Grace's hair.

Fortunately, that sweet little girl saw
I was in a jam and said it was her idea.

Of course she did.

Well, thank God.

Otherwise she wouldn't be able
to come here and play anymore.

Who cares?

Honey, Grace is your friend.

I didn't even know her
till a month ago.

But you love spending time with her.

No, you do.

You're always talking to her,
kissing her, staring at her.

You like her better than me.

Oh, that's ridiculous.

Then why did you give her
that necklace?

You don't even let me
touch your jewelry!

What's so special about Grace?

Whatever.

This is bad.

She knows something is up.

I think we should pull back.
Stay away from Grace for a while.

No. No way.

No, no, no. I'll just be
more careful. It'll be fine.

Gabby,
we have to protect our daughter.

They're both our daughters.

I really don't want you to go.

I don't want to go, either.

But this will make us enough money
to get Paul out of our house,

and give us our lives back.

Plus, if I stay,
I'm afraid I'll k*ll him.

Okay. Car's loaded.

It's time to go.

To the nursing home.

Mom, again, it isn't a nursing home.

It's assisted living.

It's a beautiful facility
with flowerbeds,

and activities
and lots of other people. It's...

Just tell me this, Tommy.

After I go there, when do I get to leave?
When do I get to go home?

We'll have to see
what the doctors say.

Never. That's when.

I've seen my friends
go into these places,

and they don't come back.

Mom...

I've talked to Peter and Theresa,
and we all agree.

You can't live by yourself anymore.

If something bad
were to happen to you,

we would never forgive ourselves.

The only thing bad happening here
is what you're doing to me.

Mom,

I don't know what else to do.

When you called me at that camp,

and you were scared,

you kept saying,

"I want to come home, Mom."

And I said, "Tommy, if you mean that,

"I'll come get you."

That's what you do.

The time comes
when we all must find out

what we're afraid of.

Some of us fear,
"She may never forgive me."

Others worry,
"She might learn the truth."

A few wonder,
"Could he send me away?"

Yes, the world is a scary place.

It's even more terrifying

if we have to face it

alone.