01x12 - Jay's Sister

[bunniefuu]

Wow. I can't believe you
sleep in a bed every night.

Ooh, a girl could really get
used to this pillow business.

Yep, I could've used one.

[GROANS] God, hey, would you mind

rubbing this knot in my shoulder, Nancy?

Hey, hey, hey.

You know the rules.

This is a fake relationship,

so I am not rubbing
any of your man parts.

I mean, technically,
everyone has shoulders.

Ooh, now how about we head downstairs

and get that living
butler to make us something

to smell for breakfast?

You mean Sam?

She's actually a writer

and a small business
owner, she's not our butler.

Oh, okay, okay.

Too good to be a butler.

You know, when I was alive,
women couldn't even be a butler.

You could be a wench,
a midwife or a whore.

Oh, well, that's not something

I feel particularly
compelled to follow up on.

♪

[PHONE CHIMES, BUZZES]

Oh, that's Bela. She'll
be here in an hour.

And now you'll probably explain to
a room full of ghosts who Bela is.

I mean, was curious, yes.

Bela's Jay's sister.

She lives in Boston,
she's coming to visit.

- Oh.
- Oh, must be nice.

All my sisters d*ed
before the age of two.

Damn, Isaac, we ain't even
smelled our morning coffee yet.

SAMANTHA: Bela's boyfriend
broke up with her last week,

so she's coming to
stay to clear her head.

How is she doing now, Jay?

I talked to her a few days ago,
and she's still really down.

- Oh, that's great.
- Excuse me?

No, I mean, it's awful.

It's just, you know,

I excel in helping
girlfriends get over breakups.

I hope she really likes the
Legally Blonde franchise,

'cause that is gonna be a
big part of her next hours.

Okay, let's just try
not to act too excited.

Sorry, sorry.

It's just, I thought
this could be a chance

for she and I to finally bond.

Look, I don't have siblings,

so when you and I got
married, I thought Bela and I

could become sisters,
but that hasn't happened.

ISAAC: Excuse me,

but in what room will
this Bela be sleeping?

Oh, right. Well, I guess one of you guys

will have to give up
your room for the weekend.

[GHOSTS DISSENTING]

- Sorry.
- THORFINN: Okay.

I have plan.

Thor, we can't k*ll Bela.

[LAUGHS] It's not what I was

going to say, but, uh,

give Thor a moment to think
of what I was going to say.

[SIGHS] Not k*ll.

ISAAC: Troops,

Samantha has informed us that
one of us will be required

to forfeit our rooms.

Can't the sister just
take the empty bedroom?

HETTY: We offered that,

but Samantha is aware of
the mold and the draft.

You got to sell the view. When
I was pushing penny stocks,

you think I emphasized the risk?

No, you shine that turd.

I call not it.

Is unbreakable oath.

Oh, please, that is how
children make decisions.

But also, not it.

Trevor is the most recently
dead, let him take it.

Ooh, that's how we divvied
things up in the first place.

This time we do it in
reserve order of seniority.

Thor not like this. This
is bad outcome for Thor.

[OVERLAPPING CHATTER]

The sanctity of my room will not be...

Hey! Hey! Guys!

I can't stand to watch you fight.

- I will take the room.
- Oh.

- You sure, Pete?
- Yeah. You know,

a little mold never hurt anybody.

[LAUGHS] It'll be like camping.

Then it's settled. Thank you, Pete,

for your sacrifice, and for your sake,

I hope that the rain holds out

so you don't have to
deal with that pesky leak.

Uh? Oh, sorry,

the-the... there's a leak in there now?

Be even more like camping.

- [LAUGHS] True.
- Nature.

Nature. Yay!

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Okay, that must be her.

Let the girl bonding begin.

LL Uncool Jay.

'Cause that never gets old.

[LAUGHS] Hey.

- SAMANTHA: Hey.
- Hey, Sam.

Hi. Oh, I don't need a nickname,

but Manhattan Sam
Chowder could be something

if you're looking for one.

What? You mean New England?

Manhattan is a soup, as well.

It's also where I lived,
so it's tomato-based.

[THORFINN CHUCKLES]

This is painful.

Yeah, I can't watch this.

Oh, this place is epic.

Okay. [LAUGHS]

It is so good to see you guys.

JAY: It's good to see you, too.

I wish it could have been
under better circumstances.

Oh, but don't worry. I have
the perfect night planned

to help you get over that jerk.

Oh, guys, it's cool. I'm so over him.

What's that?

- I met someone new.
- Already?

- Wow.
- So you don't need, like,

any cheering up at all, huh?

- [LAUGHS] That's great.
- There goes that plan.

BELA: Yeah, I set my dating profile

to the Hudson Valley a couple days ago,

'cause I knew I was gonna
be up here, and then boom,

I matched with this insanely hot guy.

We've been messaging,
and we're really vibing.

[GASPS] Do you want to see him?

Yeah, sure.

Oh, dang. I got to stop
leaving my house on %.

Well, I'm gonna drop my
bags and grab a charge.

I'll show you the way.

Sorry Jay's sister's
not devastated, Sam.

Yes, we are here for you.

Thanks, guys.

So, you just gave away our pillow palace

to some rando's sister?

It's not some rando. It's Jay.

Who the hell's Jay?

- Sam's husband?
- Huh?

The living butler's husband?

Oh, face it, Pete. You're a pushover.

Because I gave in on one little thing

in the interest of house harmony?

You didn't give in on one
thing. You give in on everything.

You told me yourself

you never get to pick
the movie on movie night.

- Well, that's true.
- And you're always the caboose

in the massage train.

- I mean, someone's got to be.
- Why can't it be a circle, huh?

That way, everyone gets
their man parts rubbed.

Again, shoulders are
not specific to men.

You start standing up for yourself

and get our room back,

or I will tell everyone
our relationship is fake

and that you have a
huge crush on Alberta.

You know, there's a certain irony

to you strong-arming me into
being less of a pushover.

That did not escape me, Pete. [CHUCKLES]

[COUGHS]

Housekeeping.

- [SAMANTHA CHUCKLES]
- [CHUCKLES, GASPS SOFTLY]

And we are charged.

- Do you want to see the guy?
- SAMANTHA: Oh.

- Yes, please.
- Okay, now,

he's not my normal type. He comes off

as this, like, douchey finance bro.

And he is a little,

but he's also, like, really sensitive.

Damn, Bela!

- Get it, girl. This dude is hot.
- Right?

Oh, my God.

He's really something.

I can explain.

Look, I don't see what's wrong.
I mean, that guy seems great.

Not to mention, so dreamy.

- Wow. That's so kind.
- No.

I don't want another word out
of you unless it's explaining

why my sister-in-law was chatting

to a guy with your profile picture.

- Whose picture?
- SAMANTHA: The guy in the photo,

- it was Trevor.
- JAY: Trevor?

No pants? The one who
keeps hitting on you?

How come you never told
me about those cheekbones?

- TREVOR: Okay, starting to warm up to this guy.
- You.

Just out with it. What
the hell is going on?

- I may have made myself a dating profile.
- What?

- How?
- Well, it all started a few months back.

I was minding my own business,
hoping I might get lucky

and see a painter fall off his ladder.

When you've been dead
years, it's the little things

that really keep you going.

- Please get to the point.
- Right. Anyway,

he took a break, and nothing
prepared me for what I saw next.

So many women.

[CHUCKLES]: So many varieties.

Short women. Tall
women. Platinum blondes.

- Dirty blondes. Strawberry blondes.
- SAMANTHA: This is painful.

TREVOR: The humble craftsman

had shown me a brave new world,

and I knew right away that I wanted in.

So, for the next month, I studied.

I learned how to download apps.
I asked all the right questions.

Oh, what a cute little stinker.

How exactly did you save that?

- In detail.
- Oh, it's easy.

You just press down, and
the menu pops up, and...

Interesting.

And eventually I was ready
to put my plan into action.

[CHUCKLES]

SAMANTHA: He used the kitchen iPad.

I knew we needed a
better password than .

You're right. I should have anticipated

- a ghost catfishing my sister.
- Wait,

how did you get a picture of yourself?

TREVOR: It took weeks of sneaking down

night after night, working
letter by letter. [GRUNTS]

Sam, I was like Andy Dufresne chiseling

through to a new life with a
little rock hammer. [GRUNTS]

Andy Dufresne? Who's that?

- Seriously? Shawshank.
- Shawshank.

Come on, babe.

TREVOR: Finally, after
all that toiling...

[PANTING]

... it was done.

The perfect profile.

[GRUNTS]

And then, one fateful night,
I started getting matches.

[GRUNTS]

And then two days ago, I
matched with Jay's sister.

And then a couple days
ago, he matched with Bela.

- They feel pain when we pass through them, right?
- Jay.

- Is he seri... [GRUNTS]
- Come here! Oh! [GRUNTS]

Where are you?

Ooh. Aah!

- Oh!
- Did I get him?

Yeah, really good.

- [CLEARS THROAT]
- I'm sorry.

The only thing that hurts more

than knowing that I d*ed
before finding true love

is knowing that I d*ed before
I could crush it on these apps.

What was your endgame, Trevor?

I just wanted the validation, I guess.

But then Bela showed up at the house,

and I realized those are
real people on those apps.

Or maybe they're other super
motivated ghosts like me,

but that seems less likely.

Do you have any idea what you've done?

I'm sorry.

It's really lonely being a ghost.

I miss having that
connection with someone new,

that hope that she might be the one.

I'm never gonna get that again.

Aw.

No! I'm still mad.

Ooh, Sam, this is really, really bad.

Bela was so upset when
Gabe broke up with her.

Her emoji use was unhinged.

If she finds out she
was catfished now...

- Well, you wanted a reason to cheer her up.
- SAMANTHA: No.

I actually wanted to help her

through a normal but
difficult situation.

I didn't want her destroyed
by some dead frat bro.

JAY: Oh, we are going to have
to play this very delicately.

I got it.

Trevor has to "move."

Yes.

To somewhere far away

and unappealing. Because
she's my sister. I love her.

But she's very thirsty,
and she could follow him.

I mean, I saw that
jawline. It's like granite.

Love this guy.

PETE: Howdy, folks.

- This will just take a minute.
- HETTY: Wh... what is this?

Isaac and I were in the middle
of a riveting debate on scarves.

You got this, Pete.
Just like we practiced.

[EXHALES] Listen up, ghosts.

I have spent the last years

bending over backwards to compromise

for the sake of house harmony,

but I'm here to tell you I'm done.

I've had it up to my arrow
with all of your applesauce.

It's time for Pete to
finally get what he wants.

NANCY: And he wants a
mold-free room, so one of you

is making way for Pete and his girl.

If that's amenable to everyone.

Or even if it's not.

- NANCY: Yeah.
- PETE: Also,

I will no longer be the
caboose on the massage train.

I lead it now. I'm the engine.

NANCY: [LAUGHS] You hear
that? Let's go. All right.

Well, the moment we
all feared has arrived.

- Pete's developed a spine.
- HETTY: This is an unfortunate turn of events.

What are y'all talking about?

Pete's finally sticking up for himself,

and you think that's a bad thing?

Need I remind you what it was like

before that saint of a man

was felled by a little girl's arrow?

No one compromised on
anything around here.

Isaac is right.

Pete's spinelessness is

the grease that keeps the wheels
of our little world turning.

We had people like
Pete in Viking society.

We sacrificed them,

then gave their blood to please
our gods and prevent famine.

They were respected. Dead but respected.

ALBERTA: Well,

I like this new Pete.

He's got gumption.

And maybe the answer isn't him
going back to the way he was.

Maybe the answer is all of us

actually learning to
compromise for once.

- There's got to be a better way.
- [LAUGHS] That's not happening.

[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]

SAMANTHA: Hey,

Bela, what's wrong?

Turns out Trevor's a
lying piece of trash.

He told me he's moving to Newfoundland,

which sounds made-up.

I told you, we should
have gone with Mykonos.

- It could be real.
- Mm, yeah. He could've moved there.

Although, obviously,

it's too far and cold to
visit or follow someone to.

Mm, something's off.

I'm looking this asshat up.

See if he's even who he says he is.

You don't know his last name.
How could you even do that?

Oh, I just do a reverse image search

- with his profile photo.
- JAY: Oh.

That's so cool that you can do that.

BELA: This picture's from an obituary,

and the guy d*ed years ago.

- It's the only picture of me on the Internet.
- BELA: Oh, my God.

Do you know what this means?

I got catfished.

- No.
- What?

This is messed-up.

He is not getting away with this.

"Hey, doucher, I know you're not real.

- And BT dubs, catfishing is so ten years ago."
- [MESSAGE SENDS]

- [IPAD CHIMES]
- "Who are you?"

- "Some thousand-year-old virgin?"
- [MESSAGE SENDS]

[IPAD CHIMES]

- Bela, wait.
- [KEYS CLACKING]

- [MESSAGE SENDS]
- [IPAD CHIMES]

Why does that sound keep
coming from your iPad?

Great question. Why
don't you hand it over,

and I'll take it to the Genius Bar.

Unlock the iPad, Jay.

- I would, but I... I forgot the passcode.
- Well, luckily,

it's been the same
since junior high. .

[EXHALES]

You're Trevor?

Okay, I am freaking out right now.

Bela, it's not what it looks like.

We just invited you up to the house

because we wanted to cheer you up.

You thought creating
Trevor would cheer me up?

- Ew. No.
- Oh, no.

You didn't think I could
find a real man again,

so you created a fake
one to flirt with me

- and compliment my smile.
- I really meant that.

BELA: And you made up
a guy that is exactly

everything I'm looking for.

Someone who loves clubbing

and the Hamptons

and jam bands from the late ' s.

We're freaking meant for each other.

That's not what happened.

- Then what did happen?
- I...

don't have a good explanation.

You guys are sick.

I'm packing my bags and leaving.

I mean, we sexted.

Ugh!

I didn't know it had a name.

[SHUDDERS]

That's Hetty, Alberta, oh, and me.

Three against one, Thor,
you must give up your room

to Pete and the filthy one.

Mm-mm. Thor not moving.

But we voted.

- Thor not believe in democracy.
- ISAAC: Oh,

- how convenient.
- Fine. I change my vote to Isaac.

- Me, too.
- Weasels!

All of you.

They're hurting each other's feelings.

- I have to put a stop to this.
- [OVERLAPPING ARGUING]

- Oh, here we go.
- THORFINN: Out of my room!

Spineless Pete worming his
way back to the surface.

Do you want to know
why I compromise, Nancy?

- Yeah.
- I'm modeling for these people. Yes,

it's been years, and, yes,
they're not exactly picking up

what I'm laying down,
but I believe in them.

They have good in them.

[SIGHS] And eventually
they're gonna get there.

And until that time,

I'm gonna keep setting an example.

That's BS. You're just scared
of someone not liking you.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah, you wimp.

That is enough!

... powder off your wig.

I cannot take one more
minute of your bullying!

You want me to stand up
for myself and have a spine?

Well, here we go! It is over between us.

I am done listening to you.

So if you have something
you want to say to everyone,

- you just go ahead and say it.
- Fine!

[SIGHS]

I'm going back down to the basement

'cause I just broke up
with my very real boyfriend

and, also, 'cause you all suck,

and I'd rather be with the
cholera pit people. Huh.

[WHISPERS]: Proud of you, Petey.

[EXHALES, SNIFFS] Now,
you listen up good.

I'm taking the moldy room,

and I don't want to hear
another word about it.

Yeah. That's what I thought.

Does that mean she's single now?

JAY: Bela.

I have nothing to say to you two.

No, no, you have to trust

that we weren't trying to hurt you.

It doesn't matter what
you were trying to do.

You thought I was so
pathetic that the best way

to help me was to
concoct some giant lie.

I don't think I'll ever
be able to forgive you.

- It was a ghost.
- What?

- Babe, are you sure about this?
- Look, I know

that this is gonna sound crazy,

but if it has any chance of
salvaging this relationship,

I have to come clean.

A few months ago, I fell down the stairs

and I went into a coma. Thank
you for the flowers, by the way.

And when I woke up, I could see ghosts.

Trevor d*ed in this house years ago.

And he doesn't wear pants,
which may not seem relevant,

but it's something I have
to know, and now you do, too.

SAMANTHA: Anyhow, somehow,

he managed to create a dating profile,

and th-the important part of
the story is, I see ghosts.

And besides Jay,

you're the only person I've ever told.

I know this must be

difficult to believe, but
I sincerely hope you do.

Honestly, Sam,

get help.

JAY: Bela.

Bela, hold up.

Look, I'm not crazy,

or-or at least I'm not lying.

And I can prove it. Thor, lights.

Sam, chair!

No, get the lights.

Oh, right, yes.

[GRUNTS]

What was that?

Alberta, hum us a tune.

Oh, finally.

[HUMMING MELODY]

[HUMMING ECHOING]

Okay, that's a trick.
Secret switches, speakers.

- Isaac?
- Hmm? What? Oh, uh, you know what?

- No, I'll pass. Thank you.
- SAMANTHA: Isaac, please.

Fine.

[ISAAC GRUNTS]

Oh! That is nasty.

- Okay, it's no picnic for me, either.
- BELA: Okay,

what is happening?

You just met some of the ghosts.

I can tell you what's in your bag. Pete.

- PETE: We got a pair of hiking boots.
- SAMANTHA: A pair of hiking boots.

A beanie.

PETE: Three unread back issues

- of The New Yorker.
- SAMANTHA: Three unread back issues

of The New Yorker. And...
I'm just saying this

to prove a point... a personal massager.

Oh, why you got to tell me that?

How many fingers am I holding up?

Three.

Holy crap.

You can see ghosts?

What is personal massager?

BELA: So, ghosts don't eat,

but they sleep?

And they don't go to the bathroom?

Then what about... you know?

Yeah, surprisingly, that one's a yes.

BELA: Wow. And, like,

could a ghost do it with a human?

[GASPS] No. You know
what? I'm not there yet.

Please don't tell
anyone about this, Bela.

Your secret's safe with me.

Hey,

am I really the only one
you've told besides Jay?

- Yeah.
- BELA: Wow,

I can't believe that.
That really means a lot.

Kind of makes me feel really
close to you. [CHUCKLES SOFTLY]

- Is that stupid?
- No, I don't think that's stupid.

You know, I always
kind of wanted a sister.

Instead, all I got was this dork.

She made me wear a
dress till I was five.

Did you say "sister"?

Yeah, don't be an idiot about it.

- Don't yoube an idiot about it.
- [LAUGHS]: Okay.

Jay, I'm doing sister banter.

- [CHUCKLES]
- Nice work, babe.

TREVOR: I'd like to say
goodbye to Bela if I could.

I don't think anybody
wants to hear from you.

- What?
- JAY: Oh, it's a ghost thing.

You'll get used to it pretty fast.

Trevor's here. He wants a word.

It's okay. I'm willing to hear him out.

SAMANTHA: Really?

Fine.

JAY: Okay, this is
gonna be awkward for me,

so I'm gonna leave
the three of you to it.

Or however many of you there are.

Okay, Trevor, this better be good.

Bela, I'm sorry I lied to you.

"Bela, I'm sorry I lied to you."

TREVOR: But the connection
that we had, that wasn't a lie.

I meant every word that I said.

"I do love your eyes

and your smile."

And your boobs.

- You forgot the boobs.
- SAMANTHA: Nope.

Just keep going.

I talk a big game,

but the truth is,

I really did want to find
someone to spend my life with,

and I didn't.

Life is way too short.

I used to think that was

a dumb thing that people
said, but it's really true.

Go find yourself someone
who's as incredible as you.

Because that's what you deserve.

"Because that's what you deserve."

Thank you, Trevor.

Also, please send nudes.

And we're done.