08x04 - Whiz Kid

[bunniefuu]

I can't believe he k*lled himself.

I can't believe I saw brains.

And he wouldn't come out. I told him he was being selfish.

That's the last thing he heard.

You can't blame yourself, Vince. Seriously, bro, the guy was a mess. Even more so now.

Hey, what do brains look like?

Jesus. What? I'm curious.

They're gross. They're like mashed-up spaghetti and meatballs.

They used kosher egg noodles and cottage cheese when I got sh*t in the head in New York Undercover.

Did it look real?

Yeah, I thought it did.

I'll now forever know what looks real and what don't.

I'll never get it out of my head. Spaghetti and meatballs?

No, brains, Scott! Carl Ertz's f*cking brains!

Guys, stop, please. Seriously. Please.

Hey Vince, we're just about done here.

Is there anything else we can do?

Yeah, I'm gonna need you and your buddy to come down to the station and give an official statement.

Okay, no problem.

You okay? Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Okay.

You're not saying sh*t till you guys lawyer up.

Relax.

No, don't tell me to relax. You know what they're gonna do?

They're gonna put you guys in separate rooms, shine bright lights in your faces and see if your stories match up. Our stories are gonna match up.

We've got nothing to hide. Seriously, Johnny, we didn't do anything.

The cops did find coke in there, Vince. So? I didn't touch it.

I was with him. He didn't touch it. It doesn't matter.

You're on probation. Lawyer up.

I'm gonna call Jim Lefkowitz. Um, call Shauna too.

Get out in front of this thing.

Vince, look this way. Too late for that.

TMZ is already out in front of it. Great.

Precinct should be fun.

How's my hair look? Look here, look here.

I have never kept my Berry off this long.

Not for anyone. Aha, neither have I.

What? I bet I have more missed emails and voicemails than you do. Really?

I run a studio, Ari. I run a worldwide talent agency with 645 employees. Mmm.

Well, do you wanna bet? Bet? What do you have to bet?

Mmm.

Do you wanna double Vince's salary on Air-Walker?

Lose the back end for Taylor Lautner on Cave Dwellers.

Can't do it. It's a cameo.

He's working for three days. He doesn't deserve back-end gross.

Let's just bet sex.

--Oh, what do I win?

Funny.

Okay. Um, I have 132 emails and 16 voicemails.

I have 420 emails and my voice-mail is full.

Come on. It's a lot even for me.

You wanna start rolling calls? Not really.

Maybe we just leave it off and we stay in bed the rest of the day.

Aw, you would never do that. Mmm.

Actually if I didn't have therapy, I swear I would.

You go to therapy? Yes, I do. You surprised?

I'm shocked. It's couples therapy, actually.

Wow.

Now I'm even more shocked. Why are you going to couples therapy?

When your marriage is in trouble, that's what you do.

Well, I think your marriage is long past trouble.

Yeah.

Ah, it's okay. You can answer it.

--So can you.

Huh, thank you.

Ahem. Hello.

What? Holy sh*t!

Out of my way, you parasites. Jesus Christ, move!

Vincent, don't say a f*cking word to anybody!

Hi, Shauna. How are you doing, baby? Okay?

I'm okay. I saw brains.

Vinnie, how are you doing? Sorry I missed your call. I was in a meeting.

It's okay. I'm fine, Ari. I saw brains.

That's great. I'm guessing they weren't Drama's.

Come on, let him through. He's not answering anything.

Your lawyer's inside, Vince. Come on, let's go.

Get that f*cking camera out of my face!

Prick!

Hey, it's me, yeah. I nee...

I need to push therapy to 12:15. Can you call me back when you can?

Therapy? Yeah, couples therapy.

I thought you were divorced. Separated.

I thought she was seeing Bobby Flay.

Who told you that? Huh, everyone.

So you just be straightforward and honest and then we should be out of here soon.

Hey, Ari. Okay, okay.

Only issue is because there were dr*gs on the premises, I'm sure your P.O. is gonna want a drug test.

Drug test? Yeah.

That's okay. He didn't do any dr*gs.

That's good. And that's true? I didn't touch anything in his house.

Okay, good. Well, I'll let you know what the P.O. says as soon as I hear.

Hey, Jim, how long do you think it's gonna take?

What, do you have to be somewhere, Ari? Marriage therapy.

Shut the f*ck up, Shauna.

Ari, go.

I'm fine. Seriously. Are you sure?

Yeah. Take care of your family. Thanks, buddy.

I'll call you after. I'll call you.

Thanks. Guys, come with us.

We're gonna try to get you out of here as fast as possible.

You're not gonna separate them, right? Why would I?

Don't mind him. He's seen way too many episodes of Law & Order.

Been on more than I've seen, actually.

Jim, what do I do? Just relax and tell the truth.

You'll be all right. Yeah. Don't throw up.

Why would he throw up? Guy's got a weak constitution.

If he has to relive the carnage, who knows? No, he's right.

I might throw up. I thought you guys were from the hood.

--His mother and auntie coddled him.

All right, Turtle. Let's go. You'll be all right, guys. Just relax.

Coffee? Sure.

You okay? Not really.

You need to get some sleep.

I actually need to talk to you.

Okay. Just give me a second.

I'm trying to figure out how we're gonna have a conversation without getting into a fight.

Ha, what conversation? Why would we have a fight?

Because you like to tell me what I've done wrong.

You don't like to fix things. Really?

You know what? Pull over here.

You know what my first thought was when this was going on?

"Oh, f*ck, what's E gonna say?"

The guy sh**t himself two feet from me and I'm thinking you're gonna tell me I shouldn't have been there.

I mean, how f*cked is that?

You're like a nagging mom. Yeah, maybe you need that.

Say it. Say what?

Say I told you so. I didn't tell you anything.

Because I didn't know you were f*cking going there, because you didn't f*cking tell me. Now what the f*ck are we talking about?

E, I need my friend right now, not a lecture.

Okay. Promise?

I promise. I smoked a joint last week.

Jesus.

I needed to do it. I've been in rehab and a lot of it was good, but a lot of it was them telling me, "You're an addict

"and you can never ever do this or that ever again."

And I know how this is gonna sound.

I don't think I'm an addict.

And I needed to prove it to myself and I did.

I took a couple of puffs, none of you even knew about it and I haven't thought about it since.

I don't think an addict can do that.

Okay. So now what?

E, I can't take a drug test.

I don't know what they'll do to me if I test positive.

Relax. We'll figure it out.

Figure what out? I don't know, all right?

But I'm not gonna lecture you again. But from here on in, I need to know everything that you're thinking and everything that you're doing or I'm gone.

Do you understand that? Yes, I do. But what do we do?

How much did you smoke? Two puffs, nothing.

Maybe it's out of your system. How do we find out?

We'll call the guys, pick up a couple of home tests and we'll go from there.

Okay. Thanks.

I think you need to keep your words simple and short, express how you feel and don't let it escalate.

Well, my blood pressure is escalating every minute I sit here waiting.

But we could still talk about just you.

I don't want to talk about me. I'm sorry.

Got here as fast as I could.

Hi. Hi. Hi.

What'd I miss?

What's wrong? Oh, nothing.

What? Someone tell me.

I think your wife should tell you.

Please tell me.

How could you be 30 minutes late today?

I'm not 30 minutes late. I'm four minutes late.

I called you and told you to push it back. I was already here when you called. Well, I... l didn't know...

Yeah, well, you also called me and told me to push it like I was your secretary and you wanted me to change a meeting.

I didn't mean to...

How many times have you left me sitting here...

Lef... ...when it was important to me for us to be here?

And now you want me to be here. That's what you asked for.

Is that what you asked for? It is.

But listen, do you know what happened to me today?

Ari, I don't care what happened to you today.

Well, that's nice. Is that nice?

She's trying to express a feeling.

That she doesn't care what happened to me today.

We've been coming here for years and always something happens.

I can explain this. I don't want you to explain.

You see that, Doc? Now that she's seeing someone, my life is unimportant.

I didn't say that, but my life is equally important.

Do you believe that? Equally?

Of course he doesn't believe that. I was never put first.

So Bobby Flay who has as many housewives as chili peppers puts you first. Is that where we're at? I'm not gonna go into this.

You're in it. You're happy now 'cause you found someone new.

And I guess now I'm happy 'cause I found someone new as well.

Really? You found someone new?

Is that shocking? He's just saying that.

Are you just saying that? What? You think that I can't find someone?

What is this, tit for tat? What's good for the goose...

Well, I don't believe you.

You don't believe that I can find someone else?

I think it's believable. I just don't believe you.

Why don't I send you some pictures so you can put it up in one of Bobby Flay's restaurants?

Oh, now where are you going?

How many times has he left these sessions in the middle?

Well, it is my turn now.

So you're just gonna walk out on me?

Bill this one to her.

Okay, says here weed can stay in your system for up to 90 days and sometimes as little as five days.

Depending on what? Every person is different.

I can naturally secrete any substance from my body in 36 hours or less.

Ugh. Says who? I did it in high school.

For what? I juiced for wrestling.

You were on the wrestling team? No, I didn't make it, but I loaded up for tryouts.

My piss turned purple. Is that good?

I tried one at the store. Mine turned purple too.

Not good. No, not good.

So now what? I got vinegar, distilled water and niacin.

For what? We gotta flush out your system.

You drink three or four of these, they'll barely be able to find blood in you.

He's gonna drink vinegar? Yeah, we're all gonna do it for solidarity.

Whatever we've gotta do, Vin.

I'm new to the team, so maybe I'll just sip it.

p*ssy. What's this?

It's THC-removing hair cleanser.

In case they do a hair test. I got you razors too.

I think you should shave your head and body even after you use the wash.

Shave my body? Do you really think this is necessary?

No, listen, the key to this thing is getting this drug test pushed back as far as possible.

I don't think there's anything we can do about that.

We have to try 'cause every day it's more likely to be out of his system. All right, I'll make a call. I'm so f*cked.

No, Vin. Come on, drink this sh*t.

It could work. Seriously?

It has worked, all right? We'll all do it together.

Let's do it. Fine.

All right.

--Hmm, I kind of like it. I can't do it.

No, no, come on, bro. We have no choice.

We drink one of these an hour for however long we get.

We get a few days, we might have a real good chance.

All right, spoke to Lefkowitz. What'd he say?

7:00. In the morning?

Tonight. What?

Wow, wow, I'm so f*cked.

No, come on! Let's drink like 100 of these.

You'll piss pure vinegar. Johnny, let it go. Forget it!

I have four hours. We gotta do something, Vin.

Take a drive. Do you want me to come with you?

No. I'm good. What about the press?

f*ck 'em.

--Was Carl Ertz depressed?

Yo, Billy, where you at? I'm at home. Are you okay?

No. I need you. it's important.

I'll see you in 10. Okay.

Um, excuse me.

You wanna take me out for dinner?

Is that strange? Unexpected.

Guess therapy didn't go very well. No.

Okay. I'll pick you up at 7:00.

Maybe I should take my own car.

We're going home together either way. So it's up to you.

Um, on a business note, you know, the news says that Vince is gonna have to take a drug test.

Don't worry about that. If he fails, we have a big problem, Ari. He's not gonna fail.

Why don't you just worry about what you're gonna wear tonight and I'll worry about Vince? Okay.

Okay. I'll see you tonight.

Bye.

Okay. Honey, just two seconds, please.

Here's what's gonna happen, all right?

They're gonna call your name, you're gonna get up, while 50 waiting degenerates whisper, "it's Vince Chase."

An officer is gonna escort you into the bathroom and hand you a sealed cup and watch you open it and piss into it.

How closely is he gonna watch?

Close enough to identify a freckle on your cock.

Really? And you think your guy's thing can fool him?

I know it can. I've done it.

I fooled a girlfriend of mine with it for a week.

Seriously.

I mean, are there any other options?

With three hours to go? No, none.

f*ck it. Let's do it.

I don't feel right about this though, Vince.

You did it for you and not me? You're not me, you're Vince Chase. Billy, as long as it works.

Of course it will work, so long as you don't panic.

I don't panic. Or freeze.

I don't freeze. I don't panic.

Then it will work. But if we're gonna do it, we've gotta go now 'cause it may take at least an hour to install.

Install?

Ari, you're so full of it. I asked you where this was going and you said you still had things to do with your life.

I wish that I could be so coldhearted and cool, but it was you in fact that chose your career.

Oh, maybe in your memory.

You just don't wanna face the fact that you passed up this good thing.

Listen, you did pretty well with your life, all right?

Mmm, yeah, except I'm 40 and single.

You got the career and the whole perfect family.

Had the perfect family.

Tsk. Ah, the choices that we make.

Yeah. Ari.

Look at this, the world-famous chef Bobby Flay.

Hello, Dana. How are you, Bobby?

I'm good. I didn't know that you two knew each other.

You didn't use to date, did you? Ari, what are you doing here?

I don't know what you mean. I'm on a date and I'm at my favorite restaurant.

Wow, what's the problem? He'll have to explain that to you.

Bobby, why don't you go back to hiding in your kitchen before I shove a shiitake mushroom up your ass?

Hmm, really? Yeah.

We'd go outside if I didn't think that was sort of wrong.

Sort of? assh*le.

What the f*ck is going on? Nothing. I'm just thinking about the veal.

It's an overpriced f*cking soft meat. Huh?

--Are you okay?

It itches. You'll have it off in an hour.

I just hope I don't scratch it so much someone sees.

It's not real, so scratching is not gonna help your problem.

I understand.

You're panicking, Vince. No, I'm not.

You're freezing. Shut up, Billy. I'm not.

You ever see Midnight Express? Yeah.

He panicked. He froze.

I know. I'm not.

Do you remember what happened to him? Yeah.

Don't panic, Vince. Don't freeze.

I'm not. I won't.

Yo, yo. Yo.

What are you guys doing here?

We came for support, bro.

I don't need support to take a piss.

Yeah, we were all worried. Are you all right?

Yeah, do I look all right? I guess.

Real confidence booster you are, E. Hey, good luck, Vince.

Uh, I need to talk to E for a second.

You nervous? Yep.

It's gonna be okay, Vince. You think?

--E, I told you I'd tell you everything, so I'm telling you. What?

No lectures. Lectures are done, Vince.

I'm wearing a fake cock.

What? A fake cock.

Are you f*cking with me? No, I'm not f*cking with you, but I'm freaking the f*ck out.

Billy gave it to me. Do you wanna see it?

No, I don't wanna see it.

It's got clean piss in it.

Are you out of your f*cking mind?

This isn't a lecture, this is a request...

Put that f*cking thing away!

E, I will fail this test and I don't know what they're gonna do to me.

I don't know what they're gonna do with you either, right?

It's gonna be nothing compared to what happens if you get caught with that thing. I won't get caught.

And what if you do? You never make this sh*t easy.

Look, it's either gonna show up or it's not.

Okay? it's weed! The judge is cool, but no judge is gonna be cool with that.

Things always work out for us, Vince.

We will get through this and it will work out. I guarantee it!

But you cannot walk in there with that or you'll be throwing your whole life away.

How could you f*cking use me like that? Dana, I was not using you.

I just thought... Oh, that what?

You should bring me to the place that the guy who's f*cking your wife owns? He has good food.

Ari, I knew when you called me last night I shouldn't get into this with you again. We were into it once before.

Yeah, and we had a good thing once.

I actually remember it that way, okay?

I never remember feeling bad about it, but tonight I really do. Look, I'm sorry.

What? Look, don't be, okay?

We deal with each other on a daily basis.

Just please forget this ever happened. Look, Dana...

Goodbye, Ari!

Hello.

What the f*ck are you thinking? What's the problem?

What, you think that Bobby wouldn't tell me that you were there on a date?

I guess the bro code's out the window when you're f*cking someone's wife.

I'm really hurt and, quite frankly, embarrassed!

How do you think I felt? Anyone else, Ari.

I mean, even if you insist on throwing it in my face, I could deal with anyone else. What do you mean?

I always knew you were f*cking Dana Gordon.

That's not true.

Not since 1992. What? The year that I moved out here?

I have never cheated on you, but it's nice to know that you still care.

However you wanna look at it, Ari.

I can't take the stress. Ah, you can't?

What about Vinnie? No, I'm fine.

Are you? What happens happens.

We will overcome. We're survivors, Vince.

I think you're gonna pass, Vin.

Oh, now you're being positive? You said he had no chance.

I read my horoscope. And it said good things were gonna happen for me.

That's good, jerkoff. Maybe you should've read his.

You don't lock doors around here? I could be robbing the place.

Ari, you didn't have to come to this. I got nowhere else to be.

Are you all right, Ari?

Listen, we had a little problem. Vince may fail his drug test.

No. Blow? Weed.

Jesus f*cking Christ, Vinnie!

Even if he does, Lefkowitz has dealt with this judge a lot.

He doesn't think he'll get more than a 10-day sentence.

We'll lose Air-Walker. Well, you can talk to Dana Gordon about that, right? I...

--Lefkowitz right here.

I want it. Here we go.

Hey, Jim. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, okay. I appreciate it.

I'm all good.

Unbelievable.

That is amazing. Beyond amazing!

God, the court system is so beautifully f*cked up.

I mean, they must've switched your sh*t with somebody else's.

Some other poor sap will probably get the electric chair.

Yeah, some people are just blessed, huh? I used to be blessed.

This chapter is now over. It's time to get back on top.

Johnny's movie, Ari? I'm on it.

Air-Walker? March.

My focus is back. I can't believe you passed!

Yeah, I can't believe it either. Yeah, well, you know. You didn't take it off, did you?

You pissed? Pissed about what?

Honestly? Yeah, I suppose.

What are you guys talking about? Yeah, it's rude not to share.

Look, I would've never agreed, but...

Yeah? You sick f*ck, you know what would happen if you would've gotten caught?

Caught? What? I don't wanna know.

I do, I do. Me too. What the hell is going on?

I'll let you guys figure. No!

Scared?

Hello? Hello?