08x05 - m*therf*cker

[bunniefuu]

I don't mean to put any unnecessary pressure on you, Vince, but it's very important that this goes well.

When have I ever not aced an interview?

There was that little incident with Maria Menounos, but you were on downers. Or was it uppers?

My head and my body are completely clear today.

We're not talking Access Hollywood here, Vince.

This is Vanity Fair, possibly the cover. Don't worry, I got it.

This is just print. No getting out of bad remarks with your pretty eyes. They're not doing the photo sh**t?

Please try and take this seriously. Yeah, seriously, Vin.

Please don't forget to mention Don Peppe's. Of course not.

This is about rehabbing Vince's image, Turtle, not marketing your f*cking greasy spoon.

Hey, Don Peppe's is no greasy spoon, Shauna. No, it's not.

Best ltalian east of the miss. Soon to be the west too.

This is about you, Vince, not ltalian food.

Vince loves ltalian food. So maybe he can just mention it.

Anything to bring those baked clams to Beverly Hills.

Plus, I wore the shirt. Maybe she'll ask me about it.

Oh, Jesus. It's a good shirt.

Hi. We're here to meet Sophia Lear. Oh, just one second.

So what's this Sophia like? Tough?

Well, she can be. Depends on if she likes you.

What's not to like about Vince? Look at him. Look at you.

She's right this way. Follow me.

Is that her? Yep.

You're kidding. Take it easy.

Vincent Chase is here.

Hi, Sophia. Shauna.

So nice to see you again.

And you. Vince, Sophia Lear.

Such a pleasure to meet you. Yeah, thanks. You too.

I'm Turtle, friend of Vince's, and future owner of the best ltalian restaurant in Los Angeles.

And future occupier of the bar stool back there.

Nobody puts baby in the corner. Ah, Dirty Dancing.

Yeah, it was on last night. I was flippin' by.

No one cares. Baby to the corner.

Nice to meet you, Turtle. You too.

You can't stay either, I'm afraid, Shauna. Oh, sure, sure, I'll just eavesdrop from a distance. Great.

You're ready to start? We can sit right over here.

Yeah. You're gonna go easy on me though, right?

Yes. I hope you studied up on foreign affairs.

The world is dying to know what Vincent Chase thinks of the nuclear arms bills being debated. I would love to talk about the transition of power in North Korea. Really?

I'm kidding. Oh, good.

So was I. No, I really just want to talk about you and where you're from et cetera.

Whatever you want. I'm entirely yours.

You need to calm down, Drama.

How can I when my life is falling apart and my representatives don't seem to care? We care.

There's just nothing we can do. Dice's brain has left the building.

Yeah, his hack replacement is k*lling my show.

Yeah, but it's your job to unkill it.

Well, maybe you can talk some sense into him

'cause he won't talk to me. He fired us.

Well, call him up and try and smooth it over.

I did call him. What did he say?

He said his foreskin was more supportive than we are.

I thought Dice was a Jew. He's reformed.

So what am I supposed to do? Your job, Drama.

And do it well. I always do my job well, E, but this new guy just really sucks.

Would you guys at least come down to the studio and tell me I'm not crazy? No.

Why not? 'Cause I don't want to.

And I can't. I have a meeting with Melinda Clarke.

Sloan's mother?

It's her ex-stepmother. I said the exact same thing.

Why would you have a meeting with your ex's ex-stepmother?

I said that too. I said that too. She needs advice.

Advice on what? She already has a manager.

I don't know. Maybe she needs another opinion.

I don't know. I do think she's talented though.

We think that you are emotional. Extremely.

Okay? And you are going to be tempted to use this as a way to get Sloan back.

It's her ex-stepmother. How's that gonna work?

I don't know. I'm not an emotional person. Me neither.

I have never had to win a woman back, all right?

I just figured it was kind of a mopey-guy kind of the thing to do.

Don't be a mope, E! You're a mope, Drama!

You're a mope! I'm not trying to get Sloan back.

Get out of my office. Go to work!

All right, if you can call it work.

Hello, Eric. Hello, Melinda. How are you?

Oh, great. Well, good.

I heard you and Sloan broke up.

I'm so sorry. Yeah, that's okay.

I can't stay. I just wanted to introduce myself.

I'm Scott Lavin. Nice to meet you.

Yeah, nice to meet you too.

Okay. All right.

That's my partner.

He's odd. Yeah.

Anyway, please sit down.

So tell me what's happening with you?

I wanna work. Oh, that's great.

I need to work. Since Terrance and I got divorced, I just can't sit still.

That's not pathetic, right? No, of course not.

I always thought you taking three years off was a complete waste of your talent.

Well, that's sweet of you to say.

But unfortunately my manager didn't take too kindly to my hiatus and dropped me.

Really? I didn't know that.

Well, why do you think I'm here? I want you to manage me.

Why me?

Sloan always spoke so highly of you.

I may hate her father, but I always loved and respected her.

Yeah. Eric, I'm so sorry.

I don't... I don't mean to put you on the spot, but I'm focused and committed to getting my career back, so think about it. It would really mean a lot to me.

Why do we have to go to Disneyland?

Because it's your father's day and that's where he wants to take you.

Well, let him take Jonah. I'll just hang.

I may not want you there, but Daddy does, so be nice.

Well put, honey. 18-year-olds don't go to Disneyland unless they're stoned. You're awful.

There they are. Who's ready for Tea Cups and it's a Small World?

Was thinking Space Mountain.

I was thinking about staying home. Oh, come on, we're gonna have fun. Okay, guys, enjoy.

Wait, hold on. Where are you going? I'm leaving.

Well, you came up. There must've been a reason.

Jonah begged me to. And you know when his beg turns into a cry.

No, okay, yeah, I know. Ari. Ari, are you going somewhere?

Yes, I am, Babs. I'm going to the happiest place on earth, Disneyland. What's the problem? Hello, dear.

Hello. The problem is, Taylor Lautner's buddy just finished writing a script and he loves it and he wants to star in it, and he wants Dana to have the first sh*t at it. Dana Gordon?

You can handle it. I'm going to Disneyland.

And I am going home.

Bye-bye. Jake, take Jonah and Sarah to the freebie closet and have them pick something out.

What the f*ck is wrong with you?

You spoke to Dana about this? Yes.

And she's coming here? Yes.

But why don't we just send it to her? It can't leave the office.

Taylor's gonna come here and watch her read it.

Then she has 12 hours to decide if she's gonna buy it or he moves on to the next studio. I can't be here.

I'll let Taylor know. I'll tell him you're too busy on the Pirates of the Caribbean ride.

You know how understanding he is.

Jake, get Dana Gordon on the phone.

What do you want, Ari? I don't want this meeting to be weird.

Then don't act weird. You don't act weird.

You're already acting weird. If you're using business to see me, that's ridiculous. I'm coming to your office for Taylor Lautner, not for you.

Are you sure? Ari, I don't have time for games.

There's nothing to worry about on my end. Mine either.

Well, then let's get this done and move on with the day as fast as possible.

Dad, when are we going? Change of plans, buddy.

We are going to the LA Zoo because it's closer.

That sucks. But guess who's coming to the office?

Taylor Lautner. Ew.

Really? I love you, Daddy.

She gets to hang with the Wolf man provided he keeps his shirt on. He has 4% body fat.

Daddy has 5%. Tell Mommy. Daddy's been working out.

Apart from the dr*gs, would you say that you had any other addictions?

Any other... Gambling, food.

Well, I'm ltalian. I love food.

Have you ever been to Don Peppe's in Queens?

No. I can't say that I have. I'd love to take you there sometime.

Okay, one step at a time. Addictions?

Maybe women. Really?

No, not really, but I have a big heart, so I fall easily.

And often? Well, if I feel the chemistry it's kind of hard for me to ignore it.

Don't you agree? Do you ever feel guilty for everything that you have? I think to be guilty would be arrogant.

I appreciate it all and I'm lucky to share it with my friends.

And your family? Well, my mother is happy with bragging rights, but I do for her what she'll let me.

And your father? If he were around, I'm sure I'd do for him what I could too.

And when was the last time you saw him?

When I was eight. Let's talk about that.

I'd rather talk about how beautiful your eyes are.

Oh, Vince, always a charmer.

Shauna. I'm sorry.

That's okay. I think I have enough.

Really? You know, it was great.

All right. We appreciate this, Sophia.

If you have any further questions, please don't hesitate to call.

Yeah, I'd love to talk some more. Okay. Thanks.

Come on, Vince.

That was a disaster!

Well, you obviously couldn't hear the whole thing, Shauna.

No one has ever asked me such poignant questions.

And you didn't answer any of them. You flirted with her like a 14-year-old. Sophia said she liked it.

And she ended the interview basically in the middle.

Really? Really.

Then I should call her and apologize. No, Vincent, you shouldn't.

I will call her. Shauna, let me handle this.

What, you're gonna ask her out again? You asked her out?

I asked her if she wanted to go to Don Peppe's.

That's business.

Thank you, Vin. Vince, Sophia is very, very smart and very, very good at what she does. Now I don't think that you said anything that'll really hurt you, but you could.

Shauna, please let me handle it.

Sorry, Johnny. Turns out your precious banana tree is on 51 % of my property.

Oh. That can't be!

Call your lawyer. I already called mine.

Stop sawing! Timber!

My car! Whoops.

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh...

See? There it is. I f*cking love that.

I'm gonna k*ll you, Ronald!

What's happening?

Yeah, I'm having a little trouble with that last line.

Just say it. it's funny. No, I'm having trouble with your line...

The way you're reading it. The way I'm reading it?

Yeah. Don't read it. Just act it.

Is this guy joking?

Well, if you don't seem panicked, how can I act scared?

Guys, please. You don't think I seemed panicked?

Well, I don't think you seemed anything.

I mean, what choices were you making?

Billy, can I have a word with you, please?

What? I'm in here making choices. You're just making voices.

What actions were you playing? I can't even tell.

Billy, a word before I k*ll this guy.

Okay, there's no reason to get angry. I'm just trying to make this work, bro.

You can't make it work 'cause you suck.

Oh, I suck? No, I think Viking Quest sucked.

You calm down, Drama. Calm down. Calm down?

This guy not only sucks, but he thinks he's Sandy Meisner.

Let's just get it done. Get what done?

This show is over if we don't do something.

What would you like to do? Get Dice back!

That's not gonna happen. The network won't pay him.

You like this guy?

Of course not. Then we need to make it happen.

If there was something I could do, don't you think I would have done it?

I would give anything to have Dice back. Anything?

Give him a piece of your salary.

f*ck that. Give him your salary.

Yeah, maybe I will.

How is it so far? So far so good.

Are you almost done? No.

Ari, leave her alone. Where's Taylor?

He didn't come, but his friend did.

He wrote it? No, that's a different friend.

My daughter is gonna be more heartbroken than you are, trust me.

I... I thought you were gonna get through this quickly.

If you'd shut up.

Seriously, Ari.

Seriously? Now you're in a meeting? Let's go.

Where's Taylor? He's not coming.

Yeah. We're gonna to the next Vampire set though, honey.

Don't you worry. I'm gonna be right with you guys.

Hi guys. I'm Dana. Hi.

Are you the Dana that our mom hates?

What? No! Mom doesn't hate anyone.

No. No. Dana is just someone Daddy works with.

That's right.

I'll be with you guys in a little bit. All right.

Actually, I'm done. You are?

You heard her, Barbara. All right, I'll leave you two to discuss.

Come to my office when you're done.

Do you even have an office here? f*ck you.

What's wrong? Nothing.

I didn't make it weird. It just is weird.

Your wife hates me? Your kids know?

This is so humiliating. I did nothing wrong!

Of course you didn't. Maybe I did. I'm sorry. it's confusing.

Listen, if it was just you and me, it wouldn't be, but I have a family.

I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I didn't ask you to do anything.

But we can't let this jeopardize our business.

I don't intend on it, okay? Right now, I just have to leave.

You're right. I can't separate what happened and what's happening right now.

So you're gonna miss out on buying this?

I'll buy it.

You didn't even read it.

Well, that's why I'm a studio head.

Because I can do whatever the f*ck I want.

Yes, I suppose I believe in Melinda, which is why I'm willing to work with her so you don't have a conflict.

No offense, but she asked for me, not you, all right?

And you walking out of the meeting today didn't exactly help your case.

Okay, so you do it. I don't give a f*ck. Oh, you don't?

You should. I mean, who was the last person you signed, Scott?

The third ballerina from the left in The Black Swan?

Yeah. She got signed and I got sucked.

You're not serious. No, I'm not serious.

Are you really questioning my work right now or are you just projecting your own stress?

I don't wanna piss Sloan off, okay?

You see that? You see that? See, that is your biggest fault.

What? Caring about people? No. Caring about a woman who destroyed you. Do I look destroyed?

I don't know. You started out looking like this.

Whatever. One more time, I'm gonna ask you again: Do you want Sloan back?

Again, no. Great! So let's move on.

Start looking out for E and looking out for me.

All right, you're right.

I will call Melinda. I will lock it down.

I like it. You see this? You're becoming the destroyer, not the destroyee!

Uh-huh. Pay attention, everybody!

This is a gentleman.

Says Sophia Lear got a first from Oxford. What's a first?

I don't know. It's gotta be better than a second.

Oxford is a pretty good school.

Where do you think we would have gone if we went to college?

Probably not Oxford. No, probably not.

What else you got?

I got a nude image of her. Really?

Yeah, but I'm pretty sure it's doctored.

How do you know? 'Cause I doctored it.

Great site, headandbody.com.

You take the head of the girl you like, match it with a great nude photo...

She looks good. I'm an artist.

Uh, hello?

Hello. Vince.

Sophia. Hi. Hi. I hope you weren't holding long.

Is 45 minutes long?

Funny. So anyway, how can I help you? Well, to be straightforward, what Shauna heard of our interview, she wasn't happy with.

And you? I thought we had a nice rapport, but I guess we didn't get too deep. No, not really.

I'm sorry. I was nervous.

Oh, you seemed confident. Well, that was a cover.

For what? For my nervousness.

I understand. Unfortunately, I'm not sure that I'll be able to turn our discussion into an article.

Any chance I can get a second sh*t?

You can come here. Where's here?

My hotel. I'll be more relaxed.

Oh, no. No, I'm not sure that's appropriate.

Aw, I'm sure you interview lots of people at their houses or rooms or whatever.

Yes, but not ones who have been propositioning me.

You thought I was propositioning you?

I'm sorry. I was more trying to deflect because some of your questions kind of scared me.

So you'll answer them now? Absolutely.

All of them. I promise. All right.

I'll see you in an hour, Vince. Okay.

f*ck you with "you don't understand."

Let me explain it to you in old-school Brooklyn ingles, okay?

--You owe me $789, okay?

Yeah. Louie, Louie, pay attention.

I'm gonna go to my bank, take out every f*cking nickel I got just to sue your f*cking ass.

Oh, that doesn't work for you? Huh?

Kiss my f*cking assh*le lips!

You okay? f*cking douche, brother.

Other than that, I'm good. You?

We need to talk. Did you walk off the show?

No. Yeah, then there's nothing to talk about.

Dice. Drama, when a group goes on strike, the whole group needs to stick together.

Yeah, but I didn't agree to go on strike.

Scab. Don't call me a scab. I'm not a scab.

Yeah? Then what are you? A desperate actor because the show I know could be a huge hit is going down on flames if you don't wake up.

Yeah, I thought they replaced me.

What are you doing? I thought you quit like 10 years ago.

I did, I'm just f*cking stressed. Because of this?

No. My son Dylan. Is he okay?

Got into Princeton.

Do you believe this dumbfuck's son got into an ivy league school?

Well, that's great, right? Well, problem is, I can't afford it.

That's why you gotta come back to work. No.

I can't come back to work because they're not paying me enough.

I'm gonna have to go on the road seven nights a week just to pay for his school. But I will.

Dice, you don't have to do that.

No? Why not? 'Cause that's why I came here, to offer you the difference in my salary from yours, make us even.

We'd both would be at 10k an episode.

You wanna offer me your money?

Yeah.

Wow, Drama.

Nobody's ever been that selfless.

So you'll come back to work? No.

Why not? Because they need to pay me, not you.

And the truth is, I think they're going to.

Based on what? Gut feeling.

Dice, they replaced you. With a guy that sucks buffalo d*ck.

It's a bluff! No, it's not.

We're airing in three weeks. They're replacing all the stuff you did today.

Look, I reached out to my old agent, Mike Ovitz.

What did he say?

He hasn't called me back yet, but he will.

And when Ovitz makes a move, the earth shakes.

Dice. Drama, listen, my dad always said, "Drama's a real friend."

And I'll never forget your offer, but I know what I'm supposed to get and I know who's supposed to give it to me.

And I will not accept not getting it.

Well, I am so excited about this.

I think we're gonna make a great team. Agreed.

I can't wait to get back to work. it's just...

Well, when you come out of a controlling relationship like I was in, one that basically sabotaged my career, it's sometimes tough to move forward.

We're gonna find you something great. We're gonna move forward quickly, Melinda, I promise. Thanks.

And what about you? What about me?

Have you moved forward? Absolutely.

Well, what happened? Why did you and Sloan break up?

I don't wanna talk about that. Did she cheat on you?

No. It's in that family's blood.

Well, she didn't cheat on me. We had a mutual break-up.

Uh. Nothing with the McQuewicks is ever mutual.

She kind of pushed me into it, but in the end I agreed.

Sure. When I found out Terrance was f*cking around on me, I agreed we were done. I don't think Sloan was ever in my corner anyway.

I thought you liked Sloan. As much as you can like an ice princess.

Oh, come on, she's not an ice princess.

Oh, come on, Eric, she's a little cold.

Can we have two more of these when you get a second?

Thanks.

You're not over it.

No. Well, I tell people I am, but I'm not. No one believes me.

You know, we were gonna get married. I wanted to.

Then what happened?

Terrance asked me to sign a prenup.

Ah, must've wised up after me.

Who knows? She probably wanted me to also.

It got ugly though. I mean, I destroyed Murray.

Whatever. The past is the past and I am moving forward, so. Cheers.

Well, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have brought it up, but you're a sweet guy, Eric.

Sloan was lucky to have you.

God, I've never had a guy as committed as you.

If she didn't appreciate it, that's all there is to focus on.

If it wasn't the prenup, it would have been something else.

You think? I know.

Ah, who knows? Maybe she is a little cold. There you go.

And in the future we'll find someone to warm you up. Great.

And maybe find me someone who doesn't need a pill every five minutes to keep me warm. Wow.

I am really sorry, you guys.

I am gonna make it up to you. How about Hawaii?

Will Taylor come there?

Him and Robert Pattinson.

Quit while you're ahead, Dad. We still love you.

I love you guys too.

Hi, baby. Hi, Mom.

What happened? I couldn't get out of the office.

Oh, Ari. I'm sorry.

And I'm sorry that I brought Dana to the restaurant the other night.

But please stop poisoning the kids.

I don't know what you're talking about. Okay, look, let's just regroup, okay? I'm sorry.

My behavior has been bad. I'm unraveling.

I don't like not knowing what's happening. What's to know?

You're in the office with your girlfriend. She's the head of a studio.

And how do you think the town would react if they found out about you two?

There's nothing to find out. And I've already suffered the brunt of the gossip because my wife is running around with Chef Boyardee.

But I didn't disappoint the kids. But that's nothing new.

This has always been the problem. Girlfriend or not, work has always trumped family for you.

I am trying to do the right thing, but you won't let me.

You say you've changed, but today is the perfect example of how worthless your words are.

What do you wanna do?

Oh, I did what I want to do.

I called a lawyer and I'm filing for divorce.

So if the network thinks this guy sucks also, why won't they do something?

Because they're not gonna get pushed around by Andrew Dice Clay. Oh, so this is just about ego?

That's how this town goes sometimes. Yeah.

Is this guy like Moonves' nephew or something?

What? No. Is he yours?

No! No. But he was brought in on budget because we b*rned so much money doing all this stuff with Dice. Jesus Christ, Phil! On a budget now?

I don't... This show could be so great.

I know that more than I know anything.

I know, I know. But it needs both of us.

Can you imagine The Flintstones without Barney, The Honeymooners without Ed Norton?

Would they work? I don't know.

And you're depressing the sh*t out of me because I agree, but you know what? I'm not sure the network does.

What do you mean?

Forget the budget. Maybe it's ego, maybe it's not. I don't wanna make your ego any crazier.

That's not possible.

But they don't see the show like you do.

They don't see a buddy show. They love Dice, but they see you really carrying it.

If this show goes, they'll really just tailor the whole thing around you.

Wow.

I don't think I've ever heard that. Feels good, doesn't it?

Yeah, it feels great. Yeah.

Ah, but... But I'm not buying it though.

We need Dice. We're a magical combination together.

I know it! What are you gonna do?

I guess what I have to do.

Since they believe in me, I'm walking also.

What put you in Carl Ertz's house that night?

Honestly, work.

I wanted to get this project going for my brother and he was into it.

Did you really not see what an unstable person he was?

You trusted that he was capable of helping you.

He was an addict and I wanted to give him a chance.

Like you want another chance?

Yes. So in hindsight, do you regret putting yourself in that position?

I don't follow.

Well, you risked your own salvation for a man that ultimately didn't care about yours.

So be it.

Do think that in some way had something to do with your father abandoning you and your family?

I think that's a stretch. Perhaps, but you said yourself if he showed up today you'd welcome him back into your life.

I didn't say that. So you wouldn't?

I'd help him financially if he needed it.

But you are angry with him?

I wouldn't change my childhood...

Not even the memory of him walking out at dinner without saying goodbye.

Why is that?

I was raised by my mother, my grandmother and my aunt.

They gave me the strength.

And it's because of them, I think, that I have an appreciation and respect for women most men don't have.

Even p*rn stars?

I neverjudged Sasha for what she did.

I always saw her for the beautiful, intelligent woman she is.

Would she corroborate that?

Like most relationships, we had our problems and, unfortunately for her, she saw me in my darkest days.

She deserved better than me and I hope she finds it.

Thank you for your honesty. Thanks for the second chance.

Turtle, see you soon.

Good to see you again. I'll be in touch.

Do you wanna grab a drink?

No, I don't think that would be right.

But you know all about me now and I know nothing about you.

Yes. That's because I'm the journalist and you're the subject.

I just thought since I managed to stay professional, we could get to know each other now.

Mr. Chase, I'm flattered, but I take my work very seriously and I really wouldn't want to compromise that for a fleeting desire.

After all, desire attained is not in fact desire.

Can you please respect that?

Yeah. Thank you.

She's a tough one, huh? I love her.

Do you know that Terrance still has nannies come to the house on Halloween to handle the trick-or-treaters? Oh, come on.

Yeah. Which is probably why Sloan is the way she is.

Oh, that and the fact that he gives her a $200,000-a-month allowance. Well, she has a job.

Doing what? Planning parties for charities.

Oh, boy. Oh, my goodness, I have not laughed like this in years.

Oh, I have. Sloan's a laugh a minute.

You've got to hear her. I'm sad.

You're drunk. That is true.

Why don't we call a cab, get you home?

You've never needed Viagra, have you, Eric?

Hey, it's Dana. Leave a message.

f*ck you, plant.

f*ck you, f*cking 20" screen.

f*ck you, you f*cking stupid f*cking balcony!

Shut the f*ck up! f*ck you the most!

Hello?

Ari? Dana.

Hey, how are you? Did you just call me?

It's possible. Are you okay?

Uh...

I don't think so. I'm sorry.

No, it's all right. What can you do?

I can come over.

Is this some sort of cruel prank to stick it to me?

Because I cannot deal with a revenge f*ck right now.

Well, maybe I can.

Ari, I'm lonely.

I freaked today and I know this is complicated, but I guess what I'm trying to say is, I can see how complicated it is for you too, so one day at a time.

I'll take my chances if you still want to.

No pressure.

We're going to hell. No.

Oh, I am for sure. Oh, stop.

We bonded over drunken sharing and painful memories.

It happens all the time.

I actually feel better.

I do too.

So we used each other.

Yeah, no big deal.

You can get that. I won't take it personally.

Hello?

Please tell me you didn't meet with Melinda.

Sloan? My fatherjust called to tell me that Melinda emailed him that she was gonna f*ck you.

That's just nuts.

Did you meet her? Yeah, I met her.

She asked me to represent her, that's all. And you didn't think to ask me? Well, I did, and then the thought occurred to me that you and I aren't in each other's lives anymore. So what's the point?

There's no point, Eric. Goodbye.

Uh-oh.

Did you meet with me just to get back at Terrance?

Maybe at first, but then I had a really great time.

You're still gonna be my manager though, right?