08x06 - The Big Bang

[bunniefuu]

Money, success, fame, glamour Has either been discredited or destroyed Money, success, fame, glamour...

Let me ask you a question, E. I'd rather you didn't.

Do you think it was a good idea to bang Sloan's ex-mother even if there was only a slight chance you would want Sloan back?

That answer would be a no. It's like when they k*lled off Brandon Walsh from 90210, destroying any chance of a movie.

They didn't k*ll off Brandon Walsh in 90210.

They didn't? No.

Then why didn't they make a movie?

Probably because nobody would have gone to see it.

I would have gone to see it. Yeah, me too.

Anyway, let's get back to the point.

No, let's not. What were you thinking?

She was Sloan's mother, dude! And now she's a client.

Hey, there's my m*therf*cker.

Get it? Oh, I get it. Hilarious.

I don't get it. "m*therf*cker."

E f*cked the mother. Oh, you mean stepmotherfucker.

I get it, I get it. That's funny, bro.

How are you holding up? I feel strong.

This picket line will not give.

How goes it here? It goes great.

Did you really need the cheerleading squad though?

Raphael, give me a minute? I have to change the lights anyway.

So do tell, E. Any word from CBS on Johnny's movie?

Moonves liked the script. He's gonna think about it.

Hey well, there's a start. Should I call him?

I'll let you know if you need to. Okay.

Anyone else need anything? I'm all good.

Got my peeps from Don Peppe's flying in today, gonna find us a place to make magic. You paid to bring them out?

First class the whole way, Beverly Hills hotel suite, Laker tix.

I told him to take it slow. These guys are culinary masters.

I've got to show them I'm not f*cking around.

Sounds like a man with a plan. Don't knock him, Shauna.

He did it with Avión, and I'm here to help.

Thank you, Vin, but I don't want your help.

Either way. Vince, let's do this.

Okay. This guy's amazing.

He did the Culo book for lnterscope. The one with the sick asses?

Yeah, he's good. Hey, bro, maybe he could sh**t me, huh?

Maybe he'll put your face in the next "sick asses" book, Drama.

So funny I forgot to laugh.

So is Vince gonna get the cover or what, Shauna?

That's the hope. Let's see what they think of the article.

When will we get to see what we think of the article?

Could be any second.

Are you worried? I'm not. The interview went great.

Sophia loved me. In fact, you all go about your day and when it comes in I'll call you. Are you sure?

Yeah, I'm sure. I'm on strike, bro.

I got nothing else to do. Go with E.

I do want to focus. All right.

We'll check with you later, Vin. All right, good luck, Turtle.

Thanks. You are worried!

I'm curious. You know what? it just came in on my Berry.

Now I'm worried. Let me get it printed, okay?

Raphael, I'm gonna need another 10.

What's the worst that could happen?

In your case, your wife files for full custody of the children.

She would never! Ari.

You know my wife. She would never.

Hey, I've known a lot of wives, including my own, and when things get ugly, all bets are off.

You know my wife actually spit at me in court?

She did. When the judge asked her if it was true because he hadn't seen it, she offered to do it again.

I won't let this get ugly. I'm gonna offer her whatever she wants.

No, you can't do that. Why not?

The first thing I advise in a divorce is to give in nothing because then when you want to give something, you've got nothing left to give.

I don't want this to be contentious, Jim.

When someone is hurt... She's not hurt, I'm hurt.

She wants this. Maybe she does.

Maybe she thinks you forced her into it. I don't know.

Either way, let her attorney and me deal with each other. You have no contact at all, except about the kids.

What is she entitled to financially?

Half your earnings for life.

Even though she's the rich one? Even though.

And the money she put in the business, how much was that?

Almost 11 million. You're gonna have to return that to her.

Separate and apart from anything else, that money is hers.

I don't have it right now.

You're gonna have to sell your piece of the company.

Are you joking? Major League Baseball took over the Dodgers during an ugly divorce. Why do you think you would be any different?

So she can take my kids and my business? She can try to take your kids.

It's almost impossible for her to win full custody.

As far as your business, it's almost impossible, if you don't get her that money, for you to keep it.

Maybe this is going to get ugly.

Breathe, buddy.

This is only the entrance point.

The entrance point to what? To hell.

Hey, hey, why aren't you returning Melinda Clarke's phone calls?

Who says I'm not returning her calls? She says.

She called me five times. "Why isn't Eric calling me back?

"Why isn't Eric calling me back?" Five times! I'm gonna call her back.

I mean, you know she got the J.J. Abrams show?

Are you serious? Pick up the phone!

All right, I'm gonna call her. E, Melinda Clarke again.

Tell her I'll call her back.

--What the f*ck is going on, huh?

What the f*ck is going on?

It's Walsh. I wonder how he's holding up.

Billy. You selfish, greedy, money-hungry cocksucker.

Hey, take it easy, Billy. Don't tell me to take it easy.

You told me this little strike of yours would last 24 hours or less.

Trust me, Billy, it'll all be over soon. We just can't panic.

I have a mortgage, five kids and no maple syrup, Drama.

No maple syrup?

Maya, baby, what did I tell you at breakfast this morning?

Daddy says we can't afford maple syrup.

I can't lose this job, Drama. I need the money.

You're not gonna lose the job. The talent has all the power.

My check didn't come this morning, Drama. My check that I need.

Phil said all payments to everyone are frozen until they make a decision.

A decision on what? On what they're gonna do with my show!

They'll cave. They better or I'll cave your f*cking face in.

You cost me this job and I'll k*ll you.

I don't mean figuratively. I'll literally gut you like a salmon steak.

Do you hear me? Daddy, Daddy!

I gotta go. Billy...

All right, everybody! Who's ready to k*ll this piñata?

--Get it, get it!

They're not giving Billy his paycheck.

That's not good. Maybe we should call Phil.

You can't, you're on strike. You can't call the power people. it shows weakness.

You don't believe in this strike, do you, E?

No, I never did, Drama. I told you that.

But you said there was no show without Dice and you were gonna stay strong.

Billy panicked me. I'm weakening.

You wanna cross the line?

No.

I want to hit the gym, bulk up.

Good move.

There's something very strange. What's that?

Well, there's a $300,000 SLS in the parking lot with a cute red bow on it.

Oh yeah, whose? It's yours.

Gift from Melinda. Hmm.

Call Melinda. Tell her to find a place to meet me, right now.

Thank you. What, are you banging her?

She wouldn't let him bang her, would she?

May I have your attention, please...

John, Gina. How are you? Come here.

Good, I'm good. John, how are you?

I'm great. Never thought giving you free extra sauce as a kid would get me a first-class visit to Hollywood, but here we are, huh?

Looks like we're needed. What are you, some kind of California man-orexic now, Turtle?

Jesus. I'm saving room for your garlic bread.

Plus you haven't seen me since I dropped the baby fat.

Yeah, and your accent... Bullshit. I'm as Queens as ever.

Let me get that for you. If you say so.

So what do you got planned for us?

I thought I'd get you settled in the hotel, have a nice lunch then get right down to business. Hotel?

I thought we were like family? No room for the De Lucas at Vinnie's mansion?

Actually we live in a hotel now. Oh my God.

You really have gone Hollywood, haven't you?

Are you sure you're the right guy for the Don Peppe name or are you gonna make us do some ltalian fusion bullshit?

I would never think about tinkering with your food.

You better not. And we live in a hotel because I b*rned down our house.

For what? An insurance scheme?

No, no, no, it was an accident.

Good, because we're not looking for any bullshit out here, you know?

No bullshit, John. I'm here to work 24/7 to make this happen.

And I am certain that I will not disappoint you.

First thing you do to avoid that, make sure my wife meets a movie star.

And not Vince, huh? We've seen him plenty. All right.

Turtle, do you know where Brad Pitt's house is?

Uh, no. How about George Clooney?

She loves George Clooney.

I don't think it's that bad.

She says I'm an insecure womanizer "whose game is

"to feign respect for women in order to get them into bed."

Look, you're focusing on just that.

All the stuff about your recovery and your comeback is fantastic. I don't want my mother reading this.

I don't want anyone reading this. Vince.

Do you think this is accurate? Of course I don't.

Then we gotta do something. Like what?

Call her and tell her to edit it. She's not gonna do that.

Then call the editors and tell them not to print it. This is garbage.

Well, they don't think so. How do you know?

Because I just got another email. What does it say?

It says they love it and they're giving us the cover.

Oh, f*ck. Where are you going?

I'm going to see her.

But we have a photo sh**t to finish here, Vincent.

I don't give a sh*t. Tell them to finish it without me.

They don't need an accurate article. Why would they need an accurate photo?

Vince!

Barbara, hi.

"Barbara, hi." What kind of a weird greeting is that?

What would you like? It's not what I'd like, but I'm more used to "hey, Babs, you're so old

"I'm surprised they didn't carry you here in a coffin."

No. You look great.

Why did you summon me to your office, Ari?

Summon you? No. I actually just wanted to see if you were in.

I was gonna come to your office. What do you want?

Ahem, my marriage is clearly over and as you know my wife legally is going to be entitled to her capital back...

No.

No? No, I won't float you.

Who's asking you to? I simply wanted to take it out of the company.

Borrow it. $11 million?

Yeah.

I know you don't visit the accounting department very often, but cash flow is not ideal right now.

Then float me. You probably have that much in your Depends.

There you go, Ari.

Barbara, look, if we don't give her the money back...

I don't know. She could end up in the boardroom with us.

How the f*ck did I let this happen? How did you?

Look, I never thought this was gonna happen. Ever.

And you didn't want to put any more of your money into this company.

Not with you having 51 %.

Who would you fantasize about if you didn't have a boss?

I'll write you a check, Ari. But I want a majority stake.

I'd rather leave. And go where?

Amazing. World-class chauvinist Ari Gold's balls are being held by two women.

Who'da thunk it?

--Good power today, Drama.

That's the power of the people behind me, Danny.

You can't let the man keep you down. Can't and won't.

Today I'm taking the man down. Johnny!

Lloyd, what are you doing here?

Eric told me where I could find you.

You got some news? I'm hearing that the network is preparing to shut down Johnny Bananas for good.

They could be bluffing, right? They've already ordered an extra batch of Mike & Molly episodes to replace you with.

I don't believe it. Greed is no longer good, Johnny.

This isn't about greed, Lloyd. It's about doing good work.

Come on. Let's go, come on.

You could be doing good work at a dinner theater in Boca Raton, Florida, if you don't get back to work. I'm told you have until sundown.

Are you advising me to scab, Lloyd? Just dig down inside and decide if you really can't do this show without Dice.

If that's true, then I will try and find you anotherjob, even though it took almost two decades to find one this good.

I don't know what you're so offended about.

You gave me a car for sex. Aww, Eric's feeling used.

No, I'm not. The car was for the show.

I'm sending you something else for the sex. I don't want anything.

Nothing? No. I wanted to rep you, but now I'm thinking maybe it wasn't such a good idea.

Oh, are you kidding? You're like my little lucky charm.

You sent me in on a general and I booked a series.

You booked the series because you're good, not because we had sex.

Eh, potato, potahto. I think you're using me to piss Terrance off. That's what I think.

Melinda, great to have you today. Hey, Scott.

Nice to see you. Enjoy your lunch. Thank you so much.

Okay, yes, at first maybe.

But I was angry at Terrance and now I'm not. I'm an emotional actress.

One day I'm sad, now I'm happy. Mel, this isn't good.

You'd really walk away from all the money we're gonna make together?

You're gonna force me to. You're still worried about Sloan.

No, I'm not. You are.

I can't believe I didn't f*ck you good enough to make you forget about her.

Melinda, stop it, please.

Honey, listen, this is just business.

I don't even need to f*ck. Maybe just a little flirt here and there to keep my mojo going.

I know how addicting sex can be with me, but I'm not looking for a relationship. Neither am I.

So we're all good. Good.

Mr. Murphy. Johnny Galecki.

Hey, how are you doing? How are you? I'm doing well.

You know Melinda Clarke. I do indeed.

How are you, Melinda? I'm great.

Eric here is the best thing that's happened to me in a long time.

I'll be right back.

She likes you, huh? She's cool.

Have a seat. She tried to f*ck me at the Golden Globes last year.

Followed me right into the men's room. Really?

Well, maybe I followed her into the ladies' room.

I was a little busted up. It's all kind of a blur.

Either way. Wasn't she married to Sloan's dad?

Yeah. How'd you know that? Sloan told me.

At dinner last night. Actually what she told me was that she's freaking out at the thought of you possibly having sex with her ex-mom.

And I told her she was just being paranoid.

But after seeing you two basically lost in each other's eyes, maybe she wasn't.

Anywho.

Not my business.

If you want to turn to page 8, you'll see the breakdown of my profit projections.

You've got some big names down here.

I was hoping we'd see some big names here, like stars.

All the names on this list are real New Yorkers who I know love Don Peppe's. You got Mark Teixeira, Amar'e Stoudemire... You're friends with these people?

Friends enough to ask them for 100 Gs each.

Yeah, but who are you friends with out here, Turtle?

Like do you know anyone on Glee? No.

Why isn't Vince on here? Vince isn't involved in this.

Vince doesn't like Don Peppe's? Vince loves Don Peppe's.

It's just I'm trying to do my own thing.

Oh my god. What, baby?

9:00, a guy from Saturday Night Live.

Intro her, Turtle. I don't know him.

Just intro her anyway. I've never met him in my life.

Hi. Oh, hi.

Hi, hi. I'm a huge fan and I would like you to sign an autograph. Just right over here.

Are you somebody too? Oh no, no.

Just get in the sh*t. Ready?

Got it. There you go.

I never signed a blueprint before.

Yeah, could you write something funny?

Sure. There's "something funny." Yeah.

Well, that's very clever.

Jay Leno makes a smiley face. Find him.

So it's really true, huh?

That very tiny little guy gets lots of p*ssy.

It's not important. Guys, can we get back to this?

I worked very hard on this stuff and I want to hear what you think.

I'm sorry, Turtle. I know you worked hard, but I cook. I don't look at blueprints and graphs.

So let's go look at the real space then. You got a place in mind?

An amazing one. No, no, no, baby, we got the Lakers game.

Yeah, in like five hours. Gina wants to get there early, see if she can meet Jack Nicholson.

I really wanted you guys to look at it today. We'll see it tomorrow.

Okay? Yeah, okay.

Turtle, you got a limo taking us to the game?

Naw, I just figured I'd drive you there.

No, you don't have to do that. Get us a limo.

Yeah.

Hi. Hi.

Mind if I sit? For a minute. I'm waiting for someone.

I'll be fast. Is this a coincidence?

No, I talked to your assistant and she told me where I could find you.

Really? Oh, but please don't be mad at her.

I charmed and deceived her. And I wasn't even trying to get her into bed.

What do you want, Vince? I opened up to you and you mocked me.

I don't see it that way. I have good relationships with women.

I write what I see. I don't know how after everything else I shared with you, you could see that.

I don't know why you're focusing on a tiny part of a six-page article.

Because it's not true.

I have tons of respect for women and not just the ones I want to sleep with.

And you show it by stalking me to a restaurant?

I wouldn't call this stalking. What would you call it?

I want to talk. What do you think that would accomplish?

I want to correct your opinion of me. Why?

Why? Yes. The article is done.

I couldn't change it now even if I wanted to.

I'm sure even you're smart enough to know that.

I am. So what's the point in this?

I guess I want you not to think what you wrote about me.

Why? What's the difference?

I'm just a journalist you don't know who won't sleep with you.

Do you think you can change that? No, I... if you want to leave a good impression, next time you get overexcited during an interview, restrain yourself.

Wait until you go out and catch the eye of one of the 50 random women, which will help you achieve the same effect.

Unless you care what they think about you too, in which case you need to reevaluate your whole self-image.

Bhagwan. Miss Lear.

Hi. Vincent Chase.

Vincent, this is Professor Bhagwan Chowdhry from the UCLA Anderson School. How do you do?

Hi. Professor Chowdhry's an expert in finance and I'm writing a piece on his financial access at birth initiative.

Wow, I love that. You've heard of F.A.B.?

Uh no, but I'm excited to read about it now.

Probably won't get the cover like you.

Convincing world leaders and private funders to open a $100 savings account for every child in the world isn't as sexy as a Hollywood star.

But far more interesting. Thank you.

Anyway, I'll let you go to it. It's a pleasure to meet you.

And you. Sophia.

Bye, Vince.

Ari, I am imploring you not to do this.

We are not your run-of-the-mill divorce.

I've known her since I'm 19.

I just want to speak to her for five minutes rationally.

Rationality goes out the window with these things.

Please trust me and get back in your car.

No can do. I'll call you after.

Ari!

It's really important to make sure that the blade is flush.

Right. You do that so perfectly. I've got good hands.

You do. So do you.

Oh.

Oh, okay, stop, like, because we're in my house and I... l... You stop me wherever we are.

I know, I'm sorry. I just... I'm not...

I know, you're not ready. I get it, I get it.

I'm sorry. Don't be.

It's okay.

Holy sh*t, it's Ari!

Relax, just answer it. No. Do you really think that I should?

I got it. No, wait, no, no!

Stay, stay, Bobby. I'll go do it.

You stay here and just...

Stay.

Ari, what are you doing here? I didn't walk in the house. I rang the bell.

I'm trying to be respectful.

Respectful is a phone call and the kids aren't here.

Well, I came to see you. Ari, please, this is not okay.

Look, I understand that you have made up your mind and all I want is for you to be happy. But there are some financial things that we need to discuss.

We have lawyers. And I know I'm not supposed to talk about it, but I have some real concerns right now.

L... I'm sorry. I can't, you know.

I could lose the company. I can't talk right now.

After 20 years you can't talk? Not right now.

I'm sorry.

What do I smell? I'm cooking.

That's not your cooking. Ari!

Is Flay in my f*cking house? You want to talk money?

We can! The first thing I'm gonna bring up is that this is not your house. Holy sh*t.

He's in my house? Ari, no!

Yo, grill master!

Ari, Ari, just don't. Are you in my f*cking house?

I've got a new show for you. it's called Boy Meets Husband Who Kills Him.

Ari, Ari! I'm not hiding, Ari.

Well, you should. Please, Bobby.

Melissa, it's okay.

I don't f*cking believe it.

What? What don't you believe?

What? More lies about how all you care about is how happy I am?

You are so full of sh*t. I have never hidden who I am.

Obviously you have. I have no idea who you are.

From here on out we're gonna let the lawyers handle everything.

Look, honey, I've changed. I'm leaving my house with you and your barbecuing boy toy in it, no fight, no cops called, no tears, no b*ating his f*cking face in.

Come in, it's open!

Drama, you don't look so good.

What's the problem?

How could you play poker when we don't have a job?

I have a job. And I never lose at poker.

You know who this is?

Hey, guys, could we just play some f*cking cards, please?

Yes, Mr. Happy. Dice, the network's canceling the show.

Officially. All right, all right.

Guys, keep playing. I'll be right back.

--Mack, make sure nobody cheats.

Johnny, what, are you cracking a couple days on the lines?

Do you know 30 men went on a hunger strike in the salt mines of Belarus? Some of them starved to death, but they knew what they was doing was right.

Well, Dice, I don't want to starve to death. I think we should go back.

I believe it'll all work out in the end if we do a good job.

Drama, it is working out. They've already contacted my people.

Really? Yeah, if you don't cr*ck, it's gonna get done.

They're just trying to get you nervous so you f*ck me which will ultimately f*ck you.

So do me a favor, stay strong.

It's Phil. Don't pick it up.

Hey, what... Hey, Phil, how are you?

Great, listen, Les Moonves sent over a script to produce for a miner-with-a-labrador movie that your brother wants to make with you and Billy Walsh. You read it?

Read what? Yeah, I did.

Did you know that Les Moonves is one of my best friends?

No. Did you know that I was best man at his and Julie Chen's wedding? No, I didn't know that.

Did you know that I saved Les Moonves's Great Dane from drowning when he was a puppy?

No, I didn't know that either.

You know it all now. And now you know this:

I will make sure that this f*cking movie never gets made.

Anywhere! And if it does, I'll hire an exact f*cking replica of you...

Hang up! Who cares? ...to star in it if you don't get your ass back to work.

This is the moment that men choose their fates. Choose yours.

What's he saying? Not only are we gonna lose Johnny Bananas, but he's gonna bury my miners.

What's your answer, Johnny? I can't have it all go to sh*t, Dice.

Show him how strong you are. You believed when you came into this you had the right goal, right? Yeah, yeah, but I don't know.

Maybe I'm just a crazy self-sabotager like my therapist says.

What's your answer, Johnny? Right f*cking now!

I'm sorry, Phil. Good man!

Good man! Yes!

I think I'm gonna be sick. Come on, come on.

Just breathe through your nose. Come on, out your mouth.

Eleanor, get him water. I'm going.

Everything's going to be fine.

Hello.

Phil. Oh, no.

Yeah.

What... What's he saying?

Talk to me, Phil. What?

What? Okay then.

We're done? Done?

Drama, I'd rather be dead than be disrespected.

The show's canceled? Yeah, it's canceled.

God, I am such a f*cking loser.

Drama, I'm kidding.

They made the deal. We're back on.

You were f*cking with me? I f*ck with everybody.

They caved and Johnny Bananas rides again.

Thank god. Victory.

Yeah!

Huh? Yes.

We had a good time, right? The best.

Why, you want to give us another go?

I just want to make sure you didn't feel used.

Vince, you're a great guy. Why are you b*ating yourself up?

I had a little reality check today.

What we had wasn't the deepest, most intellectual relationship, but I'm sure you've had your share.

I mean I'm one of what? A thousand?

No. More?

You know, I'm not good at math.

Whatever you are...

Who you are was good enough for me.

And for my sister. Your sister?

Yeah. Marissa, she works at Goal.

Marissa is your sister? Yeah.

I didn't know. Sorry!

Look. What's that?

That is the back of Leo's head at a Laker game.

Yeah? Yeah.

The De Lucas are sending me pics.

I gotta make a collage of all the celebrities' heads.

Maybe you should have gotten better seats.

You should have company tickets.

What did they think of the space?

They're gonna look at it tomorrow if the Lakers win.

And what if they don't? I don't know.

How'd it go with the waitress? She said I wasn't very deep.

But you already knew that. Turtle, how many relationships have I had?

Huh? Deep, real, meaningful relationships?

Not counting us? Women.

I don't think any. Seriously, come on.

Oh, what about the ass mechanic, Sasha?

We talked about sex mostly.

Mandy Moore. We were like 12.

Yo, what up? What's up, E?

You know anything about Sloan and Johnny Galecki? No!

I just ran into him. He basically claims he's f*cking her.

I called her five times. She won't return my call.

I thought she didn't date actors.

You think maybe she did bang Seth Green? Okay, E, I swear to God I don't know anything about this, okay?

Well, now you know. So either you fire him or you and I are done.