08x04 - Only Judy Can Judge

[bunniefuu]

Previously on "weeds"...

I want weed.

I hear you get great sh*t from afghanistan.

Oh, you're the assholes who jacked the pot.

Do her. Don't do her.

Oh, yeah.

We celebrate the closing of escrow on this, the botwin-price-gray family compound.

I'm in the police academy.

We're criminals. It's the family business.

What the f*ck are you doing?

I think I want to be a cop.

But you're not off the rails.

You're here, and I'm here, and we're both in the "dead daddy" club.

Kindred spirits.

When is your mother coming back? I need her help.

I'm about to run out of supply, and I can't...

People don't change. It's bullshit!

Are you on roller skates?

Yeah. I'm, uh, coaching the twins' derby team.

Andy and I are at the room at the top of the stairs.

In the same room together... The two of us.

Do you hear me?

Oh, sh*t. I think the b*llet's moving.

Is someone out there?

Hello?

I get it. Duck. Hey, kiddo.

I like these pictures you drew.

Naked mole rat? He's obsessed.

Oh, yeah. What is a naked mole rat?

It's like a hairless rodent. It looks like an al...

Oh, could you please let him answer?

Now, who wants breakfast tacos, mystery man?

Tiny feet?

How about today...

You and I go and see a real naked...

Mouse thing?

You're taking him to the zoo?

You know, it's such a nice day out.

Oh, nance, he's a runner. You can't keep up.

Sure, I can.

You could rent a motorized wheelchair.

Lenny used to do it at disneyland so he could cut the lines.

What if he falls and cracks his head open?

I'll take him to the hospital.

It's amazing what they can do for head injuries these days.

I slept 18 hours last night.

Very jealous.

Oh, yeah? You got insomnia, nance?

Ambien.

Gives you freaky dreams, but you'll sleep like a baby.

How about this? We all go.

No, I need some alone time with him.

And I've been doing exercises. I can handle it.

Exercises?

I haven't seen you exercise since you've been back.

Mm-hmm.

I stretch the stretchy thing...

Squeeze the ball. I'm taking him.

What's next?

Are you gonna frisk the sink, arrest the toilet?

Nah, maybe I'll just bust up the grow house.

Us both living here. It's nuts, right?

I'm not actually gonna bust you.

No, but you could. Not really.

I can't even write parking tickets yet.

Yeah, well, one day.

One day marijuana will be legal, and you and mom can buy a kiosk at the danbury mall.

Until then, I'd hang heavier drapes in the grow house or a black shower curtain.

Thanks for the advice...

Copper.

No prob, perp.

Hey! Hey!

What are you doing? This is my paper.

It was your paper.

But you forfeited that right when your giant horse-dog play-doh'd all over my front porch.

My dog does not sh*t on brick.

She's a grass shitter, sometimes wood chips.

Wade, dear, you forgot to take your lexapro.

Later, mother. I'm busy!

You still live with your mother?

Just get off our property.

Like this child?

Where's she going, huh? She's not going anywhere.

She's like you.

Oh, great!

Ah, kismet.

sh*t foot.

I'm looking up directions to the zoo.

We still need to talk about the police academy.

I stand by my love of steve guttenberg.

It's a very dangerous profession.

On any given day, you can be sh*t.

I've already been sh*t. You know what I mean.

Personally, I thought puppeteer was a good fit for you.

But maybe that's the kind of job you can only do in europe.

Did he tell you?

He's flexing in front of a mirror with one of those cop stick things.

Billy club? Truncheon?

We'll talk about this when I get back.

Stevie, come on! Let's go!

I can't talk right now.

I'm not calling for you. I'm calling for your mother.

It's kiku.

Hello?

Question.

Are you recovered yet?

I... Can chew with my mouth closed.

Do sudoku.

Great. I think I might be in kind of, um, like, a situation?

My friend india who's a model from sri lanka gave me the name of this dealer named jersey who lives in staten island.

So I'm at his place, and this is really not a healthy business environment.

Are you buying or what?

Can you come here?

I'm hanging out with my kid today.

Is bubble hash like a more expensive version of weed?

Oh, do not buy bubble hash.

Wait. You're cutting out.

Did you say buy the bubble hash? No!

f*cking staten island!

Look, I've sent you a car. No!

Kiku, hello?

Oh, my god.

So, we have to take a tiny detour through staten island, which probably has tons of odd...

Patchy-haired rodents.

Right. Dumb idea.

Old-me idea.

Um, jill, can you...?

Yes. Of course I can. I'd love to.

Ohh, I love the zoo.

I love spending time with you.

We're gonna have so much fun.

It's gonna be the best day ever. Rawr, rawr!

Uh, I have to help a friend, but how about tonight we have a special dinner and you can sit next to me?

How does that sound?

Okay?

Andy, can you cook, uh... The...

The thing with the...

The squid and the spices?

I can't...

Uh... Uh, no, I can't.

I have derby practice tonight.

Oh, fine.

Well, we'll order in.

Um, I'm wearing a sports bra.

O-okay...

I just thought I should warn you.

There's no hook. Some guys get confused.

Also, in college, I thought maybe I was asexual.

But it turns out I just suck at intimacy.

I think it's a generational...

Um, um, do you have plans tonight?

Are you asking me out while your hand is on my boob?

Only to dinner, if you want, at my mom's house.

You want me to meet your mom?

She's pretty cool, actually. You're a lot alike.

She's really intense.

That's a perversely sweet thing to say.

Yeah, I'll come tonight.

Cool.

Cool.

Hi.

Uh, had a few questions.

Yeah, sh**t.

This indoor weed strain I'm working on...

It's really strong, but it has a kind of low yield.

Do you have any nutrient solutions that might help force more buds?

We sell, quote, "gardening supplies."

You're a hydroponic supply store.

Does new jersey have a different definition...

I think what my friend here is trying to say is that he's reducing his food bill this month by growing cherry tomatoes in a safe and totally non-profit home environment.

Yes, he is over 21, and, no, he doesn't have a criminal record.

Do you?

Connoisseur combo pack.

Thanks, mike. I'll ring him up.

You work here? Part-time.

Let me guess. West coast?

Oh, well, I live in connecticut, but I'm from california.

f*cking love cali! Not that I've been.

But I've read everything by didion.

I went through a phase where I was obsessed with 1960s surfing movies.

Way more lax than east coast.

Do you play ping-pong?

Wait, don't answer that. R.j.

Silas.

Kiku's gonna leave now, okay?

Nah. She promised to buy some of my product.

I did not promi... f*ck! You did!

Your product is not what she's supposed to be selling.

We're not hash people. It's a taste thing.

It's different spices... Of life.

I have to sit.

Are you okay?

Why didn't you just call demetri?

He refused to sell to me.

I'm missing a day with my kid, okay?

What makes you think that I'm just gonna let y'all walk out of here?

I'm tired, had a hard few months, eaten a lot of jell-o, discovering... Don't want to be doing this anymore.

Whole reason I hired you.

I'm really grateful you're gonna let us go, so I'd like to offer you these...

Prescription pain-K*llers.

There's a few left.

I don't want pills. That sh*t's addictive.

Well, what do you want?

What you think of her cane?

Uh...

It's simple...

But festive.

Get ready to start.

He wrote "yellow team base."

What's base?

That looks like a volcano.

I don't know if this is a good time to bring this up, but me and silas...

He's like christian grey without the money.

It's pretty f*cking hot.

I don't know who christian grey is.

I don't care.

Silas is a grown man.

Speaking of grown men.

Hey.

Hang on a sec.

Oh, with his idiot entourage.

Wonderful.

Could you give me a... Just go away for a sec?

You don't call.

You don't write.

I was in the brig.

What, they don't have mail there?

What about you?

You only call me when you need something?

Send your little high-heel tottering underlings?

I was sh*t in the head.

Oh, cut the bullshit.

Just...

You're f*cking somebody else, right?

sh*t in the head...

For real, okay? What?

Holy sh*t.

Just sell to kiku, okay?

She needs weed. Please sell her your weed.

w*r's winding down.

Most of my guys have shipped home already, anyway, and even if I could get my hands on supply for you...

Which I'm not saying that I can...

But even if I did, I would have to grease so many local palms that you and posh spice over there couldn't even begin to afford that kind of olive oil.

Palm oil?

I got you, sexy dealer lady!

What the f*ck are you doing?! What did I do?

She's got a b*llet in her head!

You point a f*cking laser g*n at her?

f*cking idiot!

I didn't know she took a b*llet, man!

How was I supposed to know that?! What's happening? Is she hemorrhaging?

You okay? Hey, can you hear me?

I can do mouth-to-mouth.

I can do it.

I can do it... With my d*ck.

What? No overhead.

What?

Cash up front on time.

That's the...

Best offer you're gonna get.

All right.

I'll deal with you.

But you don't get my heart this time.

Just business.

Hey. You okay?

Everyone keeps asking me that.

"Are you okay? Are you okay?"

You know, maybe people are concerned.

Maybe people should mind their own business.

...has taken damage. Game over.

Please proceed to exit.

I knew it.

I'm... Just taking inventory!

In case there's a hurricane.

You are cooking a gigantic love feast for nancy.

Family love feast, and I called elizabitch, and she's cool to cover derby practice for tonight.

The girls hate elizabitch.

She always sticking them in the penalty box!

Yeah, it's called "compromise."

First zoo and now paella.

I actually like you, andy... Like, grown-up like you, like I'm co-parenting with you, not to mention the fact that your cock does magical things.

But all of a sudden, nancy springs back to life, and she's got the gimpy leg and her needy eyes, and I don't know.

Suddenly, you're cooking for her, you're distant.

You haven't even once asked me how am I feeling about the whole scott situation, which, by the way, is freaking me out.

I need to know that you are actually in this thing with me, not just sticking your toe in the water.

I only have eight toes.

Hey. Come on.

Come on.

Mmm.

Hey, what are we doing?

We got, like, a good thing going on.

Let's not ruin it by overthinking.

That was the most artfully noncommittal phrase ever.

No. Yes.

No. Maybe.

I don't know.

You have company.

That's him.

Sir, did you graffiti this dog?

Hmm.

She must have taken a nap on one of my day-glo paintings, where I wrote those letters backwards.

It's very post-modern.

Liar.

Gilda only naps on pillows.

What kind of name is gilda?

My grandmother's name.

Oh.

And does your grandmother also sh*t and run?

She's dead.

And she was a state senator!

John, help me out here, please.

Mm, technically, I can't write him up for spray-painting a dog.

Quote, "it is illegal to paint a cow or a short-haired goat,"

Old sandwich ordinance 81-3.

It doesn't say anything about dogs.

Now, what about trespassing on someone's yard and making caca?

Oh, that's a $200 fine.

He can't prove sh*t about sh*t!

Well, got to go.

Feel a bowel movement coming on myself.

You have a nice day, now.

Oh, f*ck you, wilson!

f*ck you!

Do you use bat guano?

No. No, should i?

Oh, yeah. It helps with the root development.

I use peruvian, but you can use jamaican or indonesian.

Mike, the spitter... He sells both. Cool.

Yeah, I've heard of people making, uh, nutrient tea with, like, worm castings and...

Hey. Can you lock up the grow house tonight?

Why?

I'm having someone over... A girl.

Are you having a play date?

Hey, I'm r.j.

I need to borrow this.

I'm setting up surveillance to catch someone named gilda.

So, is your brother in security?

No. He's a... Cadet.

Rotc?

Police academy.

But in the city, though, not in connecticut.

Dude, that is seriously f*cked up!

No. It's...

It's cool. I mean, we make it work.

Yeah, for now, but wait till he has a badge and friends in every department in new york city.

Do you know what that kind of power does to somebody?

Dude, if my brother was becoming a cop, I'd be terrified.

I'd change my name to vladimir.

But, hey, that's just me, you know, and my brother's an assh*le.

I set up four night-vision cameras...

Two over the garage and two in the front.

Plus motion detectors.

You owe me 300 bucks.

Where's stevie?

Oh, nance.

Hey, decided to cook after all, just a few courses... Compromise, right?

Mom, this is angela. Angela, nancy.

It's so neat to meet you.

What a neat surprise.

I invited her to dinner.

Um, where's stevie?

In

I told her not to.

Poor guy.

He loved the komodo dragon exhibit, but I think he might be allergic to lions.

His nose started to run.

I gave him dimetapp.

Knocked him right out.

Oh! What a sh*t!

So, you're also a cop?

Yep... Third-generation.

It's funny.

In gym class growing up, shane couldn't do a pull-up.

Had to do that 30-second chin hang with the girls.

Yeah, well, silas is unemployed.

Self-employed.

He worked as a bellhop once.

Why were we working at a hotel?

On the run because of...

That mexicunt, right?

The one shane hit?

What, no hit? No hitting?

c**t? Bad word?

I'd like to welcome everyone to the botwin-price-gray family dinner... Take 2, continuing where we left off before we were so rudely interrupted by a .22-caliber b*llet.

Angela, r.j., Welcome.

I haven't really spoken to either of you yet, but I'm... I'm so glad my sons felt comfortable bringing you here...

Will feel comfortable bringing people here.

As life goes on...

Gets more complicated, roads diverge, I love you both so much...

All three of you, actually, because there was supposed to be three of my sons at this table, but jill put judah to bed.

So...

What?

You mean stevie?

What did I say?

You said, "judah."

No, I didn't.

Yeah.

No.

Nance? Pants.

What's going on? What's wrong with her?

I don't know! How would I know?!

I told her not to go, didn't i? Didn't i?

You're both so completely irresponsible.

Perfect. Go for it. Let it all out... Again.

Andy, it's called communication.

It's called dimetapp.

It's called drugging a child to mask your own insecurities.

I'm gonna go pick up the girls from practice.

Do not follow me.

We're done, andy!

Uh, mrs. Botwin, are you okay?

Huh? Uh-huh.

Wade, no! Eat sh*t, wilson!

Oh!

Oh, what the f*ck?!

Ohh.

What? I didn't throw sh*t at you.

Oh, narc.

Technically, "narc" refers to the narcotics unit.

Fine, you want to be a cop?

You want to get high on your own power? Enjoy.

What? Silas, wait.

Yeah, definitely sh*t.

Ambien?

I collapsed at laser tag.

There were all these... Strobe lights.

Well, you're allowed to show a little vulnerability, I think.

And...

...i forgot his name.

Oh, you did.

But your brain is still reorganizing itself.

Great.

So stevie will have a zombie for a mother.

There. You got it right... Stevie.

That was mean what jill did.

I think she was lashing out at me, not you...

Even though I chose her this morning.

And then I chose you, the family.

Why does commitment have to be exclusive, huh?

Anyway, I'll be sleeping on the window bench tonight, so...

...if you want to talk...

Mommy?

Yes, sweetie?

I can't sleep.

Aww.

You know what?

Me neither.

Hey, can you keep a secret?

All right. 1, 2, 3.

You are mine, gilda, you delicious day-glo'd bitch.

What the f*ck?